This Family Thing
I should have known as soon as I heard about my friends' marriage. Undoubtedly it began before that, but it was my first concrete evidence. Every wedding of every friend before, I had privately greeted with dismay and confusion. What in the world were they doing getting married? Weren't they too young? Didn't they have a lot to learn about themselves first? Of course most people respond to events in their loved ones lives based on their own emotional state, so what I was really saying was, I'm too young, I have too much to learn. Which didn't matter since I wasn't the one being married. Except this last wedding. It was hardly a surprise that L and R were getting married, but it hadn't been much of a surprise any time before that either. When L told me it was official, they were definitely getting married, it was the first time I didn't act like a two year old, even inside my head. I should have known then that my mind was changing.
I now have a pretty good idea that I am starting that dreadful process called nesting. I've been demonstrating small signs of it it for a while now, but its very clear to me. For the first time, I'm genuinely recognizing my age as a limited (thought not dangerously so) resource. I'm logically trying to figure out how to go about meeting a guy that I could spend the rest of my life with. And while the Neanderthal part of my brain is running that dog and pony show, the part of my brain I've become familiar with over the last 25 years is looking on in appalled shock. I'm not that girl. I barely even like weddings. I have always seen a family as a general "in the future" concept. Except that "in the future" has stopped creeping and is now jogging toward me.
At the heart of this I believe is my concerns for the longevity of my reproductive system. My mom started menopause at 36. My grandmother had a full hysterectomy at 40. My mother and maternal grandmother both had miscarrages in half their pregnancies, and my maternal aunt in 40% of hers. We are a family lucky to avoid many common hereditary problems, but our problems all seem to revolve around reproduction. Which may have Darwinian roots, something I am very aware of, but Darwin, Biology, and Mother Nature, all say I ought to procreate. Now I'm definitely not ready for that. I would be a terribly single parent. Not because I "believe children need two parents" or any such stuff, but because of my personality and terribly money sense. Its not a practical solution for me. Which means before procreation, I must seek a permanent partner.
I can easily break it down to science and psychology, but the truth of the matter is that I have no more idea of what is going on with me than I did back when Aunt Flow made her introductions. Facts and knowledge are all fine and dandy, but its hard to have a logical conversation with your hormones, or your emotions. Because its not just pheromones that make me want this, and that's what drives me craziest.