17 questions to discuss to have a pleasant moving in together
A serious decision
Moving in and living together with someone you love is the best thing that can happen to you. Falling asleep and waking up next to your other half is simply amazing – you feel you are the luckiest person in the whole world.
In case you are just still planning to move in with someone, then the above mentioned thought will either make you feel very nervous or you will simply feel the urge to help your partner pack up their things and immediately move in with you.
Well, in both cases you should better prepare: the feeling of seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses can go away awfully fast and you two can end up moving out or completely breaking up – in case you haven’t thought this whole ‘moving in’-thing through enough. Moving in together is the entrance-hall on the road to marriage; therefore the best thing you both should do before actually making the decision and searching for a place is to talk, talk, talk and talk.
You might ask: ‘About what?’... Well, the answer is not a single sentence, but a very complicated bunch of issues instead, that you have to discuss with each other before making a hasty decision.
This article was born to assist you with that – although every couple is unique. I hope it will be able to provide you new aspects on this whole moving in topic and after thinking all these points through, you both will be able to make a good and well-prepared decision.
Things to think about
- Do you know each other well and long enough?
According to studies, the best is if the couple has been together for more than 6 months before moving in together. In my opinion, the exact number of months does not matter that much, as 6 months means a ‘lot more’ for two 18-22 year olds, than it does for two 30+ people – simply because of the experience, and the more years behind. So, although you better wait for at least a couple of months until you make a decision like this, (at least until the ‘Honeymoon-phase’ ends), the most important thing is to know each other well enough and feel the inner urge to live with your partner.
- Are you two compatible, do you have similar interests?
Knowing someone for a long time does not necessary mean that you really ‘know’ them. When you are planning to move in with someone, the best is if you know them like the back of your hand –, but you should at least have a basic idea of their values, interests, needs, strengths, weaknesses, turn-ons and turn-offs. If you don’t, or if you differ in most these fields, then it is probably not the best idea to think about moving in together yet. It is a clear red flag.
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- Have you already spent at least a few days together – alone?
In case your drawers are already overflowing by their stuff, and you also have tons of items, clothes at their place, then it is almost official: you are living together. Actually moving in with each other will probably not cause a huge shock for relationships like this, it is just taking it a step further.
On the other hand, if no one has stuff at the other’s place, then it is most certainly a good idea to try to live together a few days – or at least to go for a week-long vacation together. There you will have to make joint decisions and divide the expenses and the chores – if there will be any.
- Are you prepared for this huge change?
Or in other words: are you committed enough? Do you think you will be able to solve the problems that might occur during your life together, no matter what? If you do, then you are prepared. Both parties should show the same amount of commitment to make living together work.
Also, moving in together might cause some stress for at least one of you – especially, if they are just moving out from the parent’s nest. Therefore it is a nice idea to stay calm and be understanding in case your other half has difficulties while moving.
- Do you feel any pressure to move in together?
Well, you shouldn’t. If you do, then you are probably going to regret your decision once you’ve secured the place or you have moved in. This is a red flag. You are only ready to make this move once you are 100% sure you don’t have bad feelings about living together with your partner.
- Are you doing this in the hope of saving your relationship?
If you are constantly arguing with your partner and you feel like running away it is probably not the best idea to think about moving in together at all. If you can’t ‘stand’ each other while you live apart, then it is almost sure living together won’t make this situation any better either. Also, you must note that moving in together won’t save a dying relationship, only true love, honesty and understanding can.
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- Are you really ready to live with someone?
If you’ve been living alone for quite a long time now, giving this up and moving in with someone might cause bad feelings and regrets later. In order to prevent this, try to spend a few weeks together at first, so you can prepare yourself to what to expect.
Once your partner is with you, two things can happen. You can feel yourself completely fine, whole, and happy. This is great. Or you can find yourself counting the hours until you get to be alone again. This is a red flag.
- Have you two already had at least one huge fight during your relationship?
Having a few arguments in a relationship is completely natural and normal. You are not different from any other couples around you, no one is perfect. Making up and coming up with a solution or making a sacrifice are the optimal ways to solve any disagreement, brushing them under the carpet is not. On the long run, it will only make things worse. It is clearly a red flag.
Therefore, if you can remember at least one huge fight during your relationship, after what you two have made up, then you can be sure living together will work. And once a new argument may come, you will be able to sort it out.
- Do you trust each other?
If you have been together long enough with your partner, you probably already went to party alone, or let your partner spend some time with their friends a few times. One can only do this if there’s trust between two people. If there isn’t, jealously will end the relationship soon.
- Are you able to make a few sacrifices?
A relationship is full of compromises and sacrifices. In case you love your partner, then these will cause no problems for you, because all in all you will be aware of the fact that a compromise will only make your relationship stronger and better.
Obviously, on the other hand, it is not good if only one of you have to make sacrifices. If you do, it is a red flag. Giving up everything you like and changing completely in a relationship means you are not meant for each other. You shall not give up who you are, because you won’t be happy.
- Are you able to be and stay yourself?
From the previous point, you can see that changing completely and giving up who you are means it is not a loving and trusting relationship. It is certain that you have to be prepared to make sacrifices and agree on several things while living together, but this doesn’t mean you can’t be yourself. If this is the case, it is a red flag.
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- Are you able to talk honestly to each other?
This point relies on the previous two. Two people can only live together if they are able to talk honestly to each other. For example, don’t be afraid to tell your significant other what bothers you.
Leaving dirty socks all over the place can get pretty annoying, but your partner might not even notice this is a problem for you. Just be honest and tell them dirty socks are not something you want to see once you arrive home, and ask them to put them in the laundry bag. You might have to tell this a few times and remind them again, but in the end you will notice the socks are gone.
Obviously, the same applies to you. Listen to your partner and if something is bothering them, talk it out, make compromises, and try to change your behaviour. It might be hard, yes, but it is definitely worth it.
Honesty is the best policy.
- Can you admit when you are wrong?
This one also comes from the point above: you can’t expect your partner to be perfect, as no one is. People tend to make mistakes and say things that turn out to be wrong.
Therefore it is important to be able to admit once you are wrong and say ‘I’m sorry’, if it is needed. This is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of a strong, honest and straightforward personality.
- Can you make an adult decision about finances?
Moving in together for the finances and to be able to cut the rent in half is the worst thing you could possibly do. Yes, living together with someone usually means you only get to pay half of all the bills, but this should not be a reason to move in with someone.
Also, during your life together you will most certainly have to make joint financial decisions as well, for example when buying a new fridge instead of the broken one. If you can, you shall lay down the ground rules for future events like this – including events when only one of you have the need for a certain product, but the other one is probably going to use it as well.
Again, be honest, be fair and be able to make compromises.
- Are you ready to take up new responsibilities?
Living together with someone also means dividing responsibilities. You can’t expect the other person to do everything alone. You probably have to get used to doing new chores and for example, washing double the amount of clothes than previously.
Enormous Red Flags
You should not think about moving in with your partner at all, if you face one or more of the following problems in your relationship:
- Your partner is abusive (either physically or emotionally),
- Your partner is still married or is in another relationship,
- Your partner has serious mental health issues that might endanger you,
- Your partner has an addiction that is not under the care of a professional.
- Do you know what each other’s dealbreakers are?
Talk about each other’s dealbreakers. It is the best to clarify these things before actually signing a lease, as finding something you can’t live with might be a reason to completely end a relationship.
For example, does smoking really bother you? If it does, tell it to your partner. Even if they don’t smoke now, hopefully telling them this will be discouraging enough to keep them away from cigarettes in the future as well.
- Is marriage or having kids on the table?
These are also deal-breaker questions. Seeing a possible future is essential in a relationship. Therefore you should talk about your expectations and hopes regarding your future as a couple, so you can check whether your plans meet, or you want completely different things.
For example, there are still many people out there who feel like marriage is the crown of a relationship. If one of you feels this, meanwhile the other is completely against it; you probably won’t have a long and happy future together. The same applies to having kids. Discuss whether having a child is on the table in your future or not. If you can’t agree on these issues, then it is an enormous red flag.
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So, are you ready?
After looking through all the above mentioned points, now you should be able to make a well-supported and solid decision, whether to move in with the person you love, or wait a bit longer.
As I have already made it clear, it is not enough if you answer these questions and clarify what your views are, but your significant other also has to do it. Of course, popping these questions randomly up during a conversation would be very weird, so you better sit down and have a calm talk instead.
It is also possible that during your relationship you were already able to find out your partner’s views on these points – that is the best, because that means you are able to talk to each other freely and honestly, and you both have thought about living together already.
Well done and good luck with your future life together!
5 Tips on Moving In together
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© Copyright 2014, Zsofia Koszegi-Nagy (zsobig)
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