Today You said I love you, Today I finally believed it

Worth every moment

A love worth trying for
A love worth trying for
A Love worth smiling about
A Love worth smiling about
Lost but found
Lost but found
Loves kiss
Loves kiss

Not knowing you're worth loving

Every once in awhile, you have a conversation that changes you. It can leave you feeling humiliated, misunderstood and angry. Or it can end with you feeling motivated, positive, respected and understood-which is the type of conversation I had with my husband tonight.

The first time I saw my husband I was 16 and he was 17. I disliked everything about him, but more importantly I disliked everything about me. I say this because to understand our discussion, you must first understand my past.

I am not one to ever say that parents are to blame for everything that is wrong with their children. I love both my father and mother and believe them both to be outstanding human beings and honest citizens of society. ‘Today’ I consider them to be phenomenal parents. At the same time I am giving them props, I am remembering many yesterdays ago when I was a child. I am picturing my inner self screaming at them (without notice), “I am right here-What about me-What is so wrong with who I am, that you can’t see me?”

One of my oldest memories, which is not really a memory, as much as an event captured by a recording in the early 80’s of an excited child waiting to open her gifts on Christmas. That was the last year I appeared to be excited on Christmas. I skipped around the Christmas Tree, and circled all the gifts. My father grabbed me by the arm and yanked me towards him, mid skip. He pulled me close, saying quietly so only the Camcorder, he and I could hear his words. “If you don’t shut the f*ck up-settle down and wait until I want to hear you speak to open that loud mouth of yours- I swear to God, I will record me killing you.” As soon as that sentence was completed-I was pushed away from him. As a small child I was confused, and even as an adult-reviewing the tape 20+ years later, I am confused as to why I was such an irritation to him. Obviously, I did not die that evening, but I did get my rear end spanked for not putting the torn wrapping paper in the trash as I unwrapped, and I had whatever gifts that I had not yet unwrapped-distributed amongst my brother and sisters, while I was ordered to bed for misbehaving.

Like I said, I love my parents, I love my father. I spend each and every year of school, striving to be perfect, trying to get a Good Job, or Nice Work, or a WOW from them. I continued to work towards their goals, which were not necessarily my goals.

It was midway through my freshman year, and the entire English Department was having a Parents Night-so parents could see what their teenagers had been writing. My parents had never attempted to attend any type of Parents Night, nor looked at anything I worked on. That day I had missed the school bus home and was forced to call my father to pick me up from the school. This was before cell phones so when he arrived at the school, he walked through the halls until he found me in the Cafeteria, looking at a friend’s poems. I looked up and saw him read and comment on one of my essays or poems that referenced Romeo and Juliet. I don’t remember what his comment was that he wrote on the back of the paper, all I remember was the feeling I got, when he finally noticed that I had a pulse. That was the single occasion from that moment until I was 26 years old-that he said anything good about me. Most of his comments about me, referred to me as an example of how not to turn out, or as being a ‘loser, freak, b*tch, lazy, no good, worthless, not worth the effort to even try to understand or to love, misunderstood child. All which was made clear the night I celebrated my 17th birthday, and my parents and I got into a fight about who I was and where I was headed. I do not remember the words or the anger or even the tone in their voices. I don't recall noticing them call the police to come and get me. What I remember about that night, was the police officer showing up and escorting me from my home at my parents request. I remember not caring and thinking that I would be better off being taken away and to another place, that is until I looked up and saw my three younger siblings staring at me, with tears in their eyes. My little sister was 9, and ran up to the officer and begged him, 'Please, she's not bad, please, I love her, that's my sister and I need her'. My then, 13 year old brother screamed, at my parents that he hated them and locked himself in his bedroom. My youngest brother said nothing, he just cried. Their responses made the night silence me. I wasn't arrested that night, the officer allowed me to stay after he spoke to me and my family. But that was a night that has never left me.

Where all my childhood memories come in to play in my ‘now’ life, is I have had a series of situations and circumstances in my life, that have caused fear, depression, sadness and lack of self worth. I have never felt encouragement to teach me anything except how to survive, and when in survival mode, I never got hurt, but I also didn’t feel loved.

My husband and I have been what we are now, which is a committed couple, for five years. We had separate lives until we decided to see where we could end up together. I could honestly say that I was in ‘aw’ of him, and felt like the ‘dorky’ girl in school, who got the ‘quarterback’ that everyone else wanted. He became my prince charming, and he fell in love with me- but I doubted it. Behind this girl who wore a smile was the thought that she was not worth loving. I saw myself as the nerd, as the girl with frizzy red hair, and braces, the girl who, did no right. I compared myself to every woman I ever saw or he had ever dated, and I tried to be all of what he liked-so he would continue to be with me. I have always done this. I have always allowed myself to transform and adapt to each situation and relationship. ‘I am whoever you want for me to be’, within all the change-I had forgotten who I was over the years. Around family I was one version of me, at work another, college was interesting- I had a very different personality depending on the class I was attending or which friends I was around. I acted differently, spoke differently and seamed to care about different things in life. Each situation I took control of and made my audience believe that the act was the true me. In reality- I wasn’t real to anyone-especially not to myself.

I realized I was not real around the age of 26/27. This is when I was pregnant. I sunk into a desperately deep depression-which for the first time in a long time, I did not self medicate with food, alcohol or whatever I decided to medicate with-and I was lonely and scared. I wasn’t able to share my feelings and emotional mindset with my husband, I had always dealt with the pain through other means-but now was forced to take on my demons alone and very sober-while dealing with the demons, I sank and drifted from my life. I slowly shut him out and he did nothing to resist. We played the blame game, over and over again. We had good days and we tread through the bad days when the storm was ruthless and we were both spinning . I questioned why I was staying while he questioned if being with me was worth the constant fighting. I convinced myself that he did not love me now, nor did he ever love me before. I resented him for not being there when I needed him to be there. I resented him for my loneliness, for me not being me, and for me not knowing what I am worth or capable of being. I was wrong. Although he has not been an angel over the course of our love affair, I have been less than willing to allow him into my heart. He never asked me to give up me, and be who I became; he never realized my misplacement, because I never shared myself with him.

The significance of tonight is tonight my husband and I started a conversation that was the beginning workings of another fight. I didn’t want to talk, yet again about something that would end up with us not talking for a week. The results of tonight are; I carved a door in the wall I have spent over 25 years building to protect myself from being hurt by being rejected, the way that I hurt over years of never being shown support, motivation, or given compliments. I never knew what it was like being someone’s first choice, rather than the person people settle for when their isn’t someone better around. Tonight I cried as we spoke, and I shared with him a part of who the real me is, and what the real me is working to get past. Tonight we both said I am sorry, just as we have many nights before, but tonight I heard and I felt his words. Tonight was the first time I have said out loud that I have always been afraid of being loved, and as much as I realize that my parents were not always right I needed to realize I have not always been wrong. I realized I am keeping him an arms length away to shield myself for when he decides that I am not the one, and am not worth the effort or the love. Tonight I allowed my husband to get to know me. Tonight he told me that he loves me, and tonight is the first time I believe it. Tonight was a good night to have a fight.

When the storm calms and the sun finds its way through the clouds, only then will you find the most beautiful rainbow painted across the sky.

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Comments 30 comments

Run Down Battery profile image

Run Down Battery 6 years ago from UK

Honest and heartfelt and while reading it I felt almost intrusive into your personal life. This must have been cathartic to write down. I wish you and your family well. It's one thing to give up love of your parents, perhaps social conditioning? but some times, ultimately, we have to accept that we don't like them. If not family would we seek their company? Seems to me that you are well on the road to self-awareness... I hope you appreciate who you find there. Felt privilidged to read this... thanks for sharing. I'm now a follower... Jeff


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you Jeff for reading this-and for the words of encouragement. I have come to the conclusion that, even if we cant choose our parents or change the past-we can choose how to let the past effect our lives and futures. I woke up this morning and thought-today is a good day to be alive, today is a great day to be myself. Thanks again for following me and for your comments.

HC Porter


Veronica Allen profile image

Veronica Allen 6 years ago from Georgia

This was really moving! I actually cried. It's truly amazing how past experiences stay with us, and effect almost everything we think, say, and do. You are very brave for sharing this with us. I wish you and your family much success through your journey's - the ups and the downs. As cheesy as it may sound, whatever doesn't kill you , has the potential to make you stronger. I keep this in mind when I'm going through tough times, and it helps me keep my focus. Thank you for being so brave to share this with us, you never know who this may help.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you Veronica. You are right. It is truly amazing how our past can effect everything that we will ever do, feel and determine the way that we see ourselves. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that we experience things to give us insight and to show us what is worth appreciating. I have to remember what I felt when my Fathers anger, effected his behavior towards me-and I have to remind myself that my children view me with the same admiration that I viewed my parents with. With children loving their parents and wanting nothing more than to be loved and shown attention-parents need to be conscience of what they say and do-or they can really mess their child's self esteem up and effect their entire existence. Thank you for your comments.

hc porter


daytripeer 6 years ago

This is a damn good hub, by a damn good writer, and a damn good person. Sorry to say damn so much but darn just doesn't come naturally to me. :-) I wish you both many, many happy days.


wsp2469 profile image

wsp2469 6 years ago from Alta Loma, Ca

Wow, Red, wow.

Ya know, I really didn't think it was possible for a man to not love you.

Maybe I was right, huh?

I hope you're happy.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California

I am almost speechless. What a powerful, powerful hub. How sad your childhood was, but I'm glad to see that you've risen about it and come out the better for it. You are very fortunate to get a man like your husband, I hope the total healing has begun.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

WSP and FastFreta,

Thanks for commenting on this hub- It is odd for me to hear good things from people-and absorbing them. People dont realize that it doesnt matter what the truth has been when you dont believe it to be true within yourself. I dont expect for things to suddenly be perfect and for me to be cured from years of confusion-but today was different that yesterday-and I am happy with that kind of progressive improvement. Thanks again for commenting :)

hc porter


curlytree2009 profile image

curlytree2009 6 years ago

I simply love it. I have been in that situation before and what makes me feel secured right now is that I always pray to God and leave it all up to him. God Bless you.


nadiaazhar profile image

nadiaazhar 6 years ago from kuwait

wow....it's an amazing hub,with strong expression.i believe there is dawn after every deep night,and you are lucky to have a man who listens to you and to me the first duty of love is to listen.Best of luck with everything.

best regards,nadia


lovelypaper profile image

lovelypaper 6 years ago from Virginia

This is so telling and very beautifully written. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Nadia,

thanks for commenting on my hub. i am lucky to have him (he tries to understand me-not sure he completely does, but I know he is trying and that is what counts) :)

lovelypaper,

thanks for your comments, i have had people suggest to me-'Dont pour yourself into your articles/hubs-just write. i have a hard time doing so. when i dont give myself to my writing, i feel as if i am being made not to feel anything and being told-just keep it all in when you do feel things, that seems to be when i become depressed and lonely. guess writing is me expressing myself- no matter if i am sad-positive-happy- angry- resentful or irritated, or even feel like being silly, i think writing it is the best way to be myself. thanks so much for reading this one-it was a moment of clarity while i was writing it :D

hc porter


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

I can relate to some of your words here Ms. Porter, from my own experiences. I once got into an argument with my Dad and he put up his fists and he was ready to go, but I just walked out, without my shoes on. It was tough walking to the park without any shoes on. Eventually when I figured he'd cooled off and I was sick of being stared at being the crying shoeless guy at the park, I wandered back to my car and went out and bought some shoes and lived with my Grampa for a few months.

I can tell from the photos you and your husband look connected and happy and though I've never met either of you, because of the way you let us all into your world, I feel good about seeing you both happy. Love has a way of coming through no matter what it seems.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you Ben- your comment is very true. Love can come through a lot of things-as long as we allow it to. I am finally starting to allow it to

hc


Mikel G Roberts profile image

Mikel G Roberts 6 years ago from The Heartland

Nice to meet you. You are 'Lovable' and I Love You. I have no doubt that your Husband is a lucky man. I wish you both all the happiness that your now unguarded hearts will bring you.

I think you have discovered the hardest thing about being 'in love'. Accepting that you are 'lovable' and deserving of that love.

This is a truly beautiful piece, well written and it brings the emotions that you felt to your readers. Well Done.

Mikel


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Mikel,

LOL, thanks! I think he thinks he is a lucky guy-except for all those headaches I tend to give him :D

You are right, the most difficult thing to learn about love is letting yourself be loved. It is much easier to stay guarded-but also much more lonely.

CurlyTree2009,

Sorry I didnt see you up there. I am glad that you enjoyed reading this. Thanks so much for your comment :)


Moulik Mistry profile image

Moulik Mistry 6 years ago from Burdwan, West Bengal, India

This is an encouraging write-up, loved the way you told your touching story, very well done...


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Moulik Mistry,

Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. I am glad you enjoyed the read.


bobbytnr profile image

bobbytnr 6 years ago from Hyderabad, India

I love you too :)


Hecka_Becca profile image

Hecka_Becca 6 years ago from Sacramento, CA

A very wonderful insight. I have had similar experiences in my life and commend you for your ability to put them out there.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Bobbytnr, Thanks-I think...

Hecka Becca, Thank you so much for commenting on this hub- I hope that someone that can relate to this can also draw some peace from it- :)


neel 6 years ago

...hey..

i read your story...i wont say i can totally relate but i totally understand..

the part about you and your husband...

i know how howwwwww hard it sometimes to accept that you can be loved..

i really do..

and its unbelievable...and thats where you become distant..

but all in all..we have been so discouraged and emotionally broken that our tendency to develop and accept success is finished...

i was somehow so used to getting shit in return from people i really loved...

that when i was loved back...i never ever expected it...

and i really dont..

lets hope for the best...

my belief is that life puts beauty in our paths when we least expect it...so it remains as charming ...;)

the worst moments can bring the best and most memorable times of your life...

like u said that today when you looked back at the memories...you still love your parents ofcourse...

as we grow up....i wont say we forget bad things but we definately like remembering good times...

and this fight of yours is certainly gonna turn up really memorable in the comming years..

may God bless you and your family. :)


desiredcreativity profile image

desiredcreativity 6 years ago

that comment was by me..."neel"

i didnt have an account then..

just wanted you to know that ure story inspired me to be part of this community


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Neel, Thanks for reading and for giving such a heart felt response. I appreciate what you have shared- I am also glad to have inspired you to join the community-I hope that you find many more inspirational hubs amongst the many talents here on Hub Pages. Thank you sincerely for your blessing :)


Alayne Fenasci profile image

Alayne Fenasci 5 years ago from Louisiana

While my journey has, of course, been different from yours, I feel our similarities strongly. While I had a loving family growing up, I felt like I was never good enough (due in large part to my dad who hadn't yet figured out how to handle children). I tried too hard to make people love me by doing all the right things, and I never was satisfied with my own accomplishments no matter how good they were. And like you, even if someone did love me, I was unable to believe it.

When I was 27, I looked in a mirror and really saw myself for the first time. That afternoon, I saw a lovely girl with worlds of potential and limitless creativity. I noticed I had my mother's high cheekbones and my fathers deep eyes. I realized I liked what I saw. I decided I was finished wasting my time living like I wasn't worth being loved or treated right. Within a month, I (finally!) said yes to the marriage proposal from the man who'd loved me more than I could believe for a very long time. Life has led me far away from that day three years ago, and I hate that I wasted so much time believing myself un-lovable. But it's a battle many people never fight through, so congrats to you and me both for finally seeing through to the truth.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 5 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Alayne Fenasci

Thanks again for yet another thoughtful comment to my writing and story. Life can truly hurt-but we are both lucky to also know the pleasure that life can bring. I am not sure why I have had to go through what I have survived…but it has all helped me to be who I am today…so I am okay with the hurt-because life is good today. You are right- Yay to us for living a life… rather than waiting for life to end…


brakel2 profile image

brakel2 5 years ago from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Such honest and insightful writing. You shared your personal moments with us, and I do appreciate it. Often our young lives were not the greatest, but we do the best we can. You did the best you could. I would like to write personal stories with honesty and share my feelings. You may have given me the courage.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 5 years ago from Lone Star State Author

brake12, your comment on this piece, made me come back and read what I had written, and reminded me I am doing okay-just as I am. I am so happy to hear that if nothing else it may have inspired you to write with more of a personal angle... I love that kind of writing- being human is what makes us so special- sharing it in our writing is what makes us develop and find piece with what has hurt. Thanks for the comment!


KateWest profile image

KateWest 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

That was amazing, thank you so much for sharing this with us.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 5 years ago from Lone Star State Author

KateWest- Thanks for the comment, I am glad you liked the hub, and it was my pleasure to of shared it with everyone Thanks for reading it :)

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