Top 10 Ways to Stop Your Partner's Porn Addiction

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What do you do when you discover your partner is addicted to pornography?
What do you do when you discover your partner is addicted to pornography? | Source

How To Stop a Porn Addiction

You are in a relationship. Your partner has an addiction. The addiction is to pornography. What do you do? Following is a list of ten things you could try to stop the addiction. However, there are a few things to remember, when dealing with any kind of addiction in a relationship.

First of all, your partner's addiction has nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing. A person's addiction is an internal demon, that only they can deal with. There is nothing about you that causes your partner to be addicted. There is nothing you can do to stop, change or alter your partner's addiction. The addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Secondly, remember that you can only change, fix or influence yourself. No amount of manipulation, punishment, or controlling behavior will change another person's behavior, no matter what you think. You can only control yourself.

Finally, only you can decide what your bottom line is, and when you draw a line in the sand, or make an ultimatum, then you must be ready to follow through. Do what you say you are going to do, and maintain your own integrity.

Now, for a list of ideas, to try to stop your partner's addiction.

What you wear won't affect a porn addiction

It doesn't matter what you wear
It doesn't matter what you wear | Source
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What can I do to stop a porn addiction?

10. Dress like a slut: Men are visual creatures. It only stands to reason, if your partner is addicted to porn, that you can provide more visual stimulation. Short skirts, revealing shirts, skimpy clothes. Are these the solution?

Not really. It doesn't matter what you look like, or how you dress. Whether you are already in great shape, or if you have a few pounds left over from your last child. It doesn't matter. Whether you dress in short skirts, tight pants, or long, flowing dresses. It doesn't matter. Whether you wear your hair up or down, long or short, blonde or brown. If you and your partner are together, then it stands to reason that he or she finds you attractive. There is nothing you can change about your appearance that will change an addiction.

An addiction is an addiction and really has nothing to do with the innocent partner. Dressing it up in tramp clothes may be fun ocassionally, but it will not stop your partner from viewing porn. It will make you feel cheap and unlovable, but it won't change their behavior. If you enjoy wearing sexy clothes, and dressing up in costumes, to spice things up, then by all means, dress up. But don't think that it will change anything.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.


9. Act like a whore in bed: Again, it stands to reason, that what your partner seeks is more adventure between the sheets. Study up, and present some innovative ideas. Maybe surprise him with some new moves. You could even try your best porn-star fake moaning and other strange animal noises. Maybe this is what your partner really craves. And maybe it's not.

If you really want more adventure in bed, then by all means, go for it. Your newfound proclivity for standing on your head, while balanced on the headboard will not deter your partner from perusing favorite pornographic sites. He may enjoy your circus act, but he will still return to his addiction.

Regardless of whether your prefer strictly missionary position, or you know all the right moves, it will not change the fact of your partners addiction. It has nothing to do with you, nor your skills between the sheets. It won't matter what position you try, what sounds you make, or what tricks you learn.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

8. View pornography together: He may tell you that if you watch it together, he won't need to watch it alone. So, you do the good wife act, and watch a few scenes. You even get into the movie and enjoy watching your partner get turned on. In fact, you don't remember the last time things got so steamy.

It is great to get aroused together, and to enjoy the hot sex afterward, but don't fool yourself. If he's addicted, he will soon be cruising the sites solo. It doesn't matter if you agree to do it once a week, or once a day. The lure of pornography is much deeper than just watching naked images. The body and brain release a whole gamut of chemicals during sexual arousal, including testosterone, norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine. These hormones make the body and brain feel good, and crave the feeling again and again. It is an addiction.

It doesn't matter if you watch porn together or not. He will return to his addiction, regardless of how many promises he makes to you. He will find a time and a place to catch a glimpse, watch a few minutes, or even glance at a magazine.

In a healthy relationship, casual viewing of adult movies can add a level of intesity to your sex life. The important key is that you both agree to do it, without guilt, fear, anger, or resentment. Like other things you buy at adult novelty stores, it is a tool for building intimacy, not a replacement for intimacy.

The is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

7. Love more: You convince yourself that if only you loved him more, then he wouldn't have these needs outside of your relationship. If only you were a better wife. If only you were younger, more beautiful, more adventurous or sexier, maybe then he would seek you first. If only you could be better, then everything would be better, you convince yourself. And then you work yourself into a frenzy of trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect lover, the perfect everything.

Don't fool yourself. You can never be enough to counter an addiction. Your partner's addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you, and whether or not you are a good wife. His addiction is his demon, not your challenge to be better.

You love him in spite of his addiction, and through all the crazy behavior. Your love is not enough. You can never love an addict so much that they change their behavior. The behavior is about them, it is not about you. You can't be more or better to change an addict. They will return to their addiction.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

6. Give more sex: You figure if he is sexually satiated, he will no longer need to view pornography. Wrong. You could have sex twice a day for ten years, and he will still be on the computer at two in the morning. You mistakenly think that he wants more sex. What he wants is the release of hormones into his brain that an addict seeks to fulfill. He wants the chemical satisfaction that his brain craves, and that only pornography can offer.

For an addict, pornography is less about real sex and more about the brain chemicals released while viewing pornography. A porn addict doesn't watch movies for hours on end because he doesn't get enough sex. His brain craves stimulation. It has nothing to do with how much sex you have. It will never be enough. Pornography addiction is not about sex. It is about addiction.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.


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5. Take away sex: You can try to alter behavior, based on negative stimuli, in this case, withdrawing sex completely. Not only will it infuriate and alienate your partner, it will also cause you to doubt your own attractiveness. You've tried all the tricks. You've tried being nice, dressing up, begging, promising, you've even had sex with him every day for a week, only to find him numbly watching his computer in the middle of the night.

You can withhold affection, intimacy, love and kindness, but it will not alter the behavior of an addict. It will only make you feel worse about yourself and about the relationship. Nothing you do or don't do will alter addictive behavior. When you cut your partner off from intimacy, you are also cutting yourself off from intimacy. This will leave you both feeling lonely, insecure and angry. It will not affect your partner's addiction.

With a porn addict, you already question whether or not your partner is attracted to you. By withdrawing sexual activity, you completely eliminate the intimacy of the relationship, causing you to doubt further your attractiveness as a partner. You both become resentful, but the addiction remains as strong as ever. It doesn't matter what you do.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

4. Put parental controls on all the computers: While this might seem like an easy solution, addicts are a creative lot. If he can't get his fix at home, then he'll find it elsewhere. Does your partner have a smart phone? You can't control that. Does he have a laptop? You can't control that.

In most medium sized towns, access is readily available to video machines, magazines and movies. You can't monitor and control his whereabouts all day, everyday. In addition, the ACLU claims that pornography viewing in public libraries is protected by the First Amendment.

The parental controls are a good idea for family computers, to protect children, but don't fool yourself. Your porn addicted partner is neither too proud, nor too embarrassed to use the local library to get a fix. The addict will find a way. It doesn't matter if you make him get a flip phone and control his access to his lap top computer. The addiction is stronger than any control you think you have. And the only real control you have is over yourself.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

3. Enlist help outside of your family: A trusted friend, counselor, or minister may be able to speak to your partner. Prepare yourself for accusations of exaggeration, manipulation and treachery. And be forewarned, according to Christianity Today, up to 50% of Christian men engage in regular pornography viewing. So your trusted friend might end up an ally of your partner.

Prepare yourself also for the possibility that while your partner may claim to want to change, he will lie in order to protect his addiction. He will lie to you. He will lie to his counselor, priest, friends and accountability partners.

In order for an addict to break the addiction, the desire to change must come from inside, and it must be greater than any external pressure you might exert. You can only control yourself. You cannot control anyone else.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

2. Shame, humiliate, threaten, yell: The full on frontal assault seems like it might hammer him enough to change his behavior. He may placate you with soothing words of change. Be wary. Unless you are ready to walk out the door, and make a change in your own life, your idle threats will ultimately fall on deaf ears.

A porn addict will say whatever he needs to say, to make you stop yelling, stop threatening and to stay. If you are in a relationship, he loves you and you love him. A pornography addiction has nothing to do with love, attraction or sex. It is about addiction.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

There is nothing YOU can do to stop an addict

1. NOTHING.

There is nothing you can do to stop an addict.

This goes for any kind of addiction. Whether your partner is addicted to pornography, alcohol, or drugs, there is nothing you can do to change their addiction. You are completely powerless to change an addict. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, that will change an addict. The only life you can change is yours. The only behavior you can modify is your own.

Until an addict is ready to admit his weakness and dependence, he or she will never change. Until they determine that they would like life to be different, they will remain addicted. Rather than wasting the precious moments of your life trying to fix someone who is broken, be bold. Take a step forward for yourself.

You only have one life, and you can only control yourself. Only you can decide what you will and won't tolerate. When you have decided what kind of life you want to live, then boldly step into that life. Don't wait for an addict to change. Either choose to love the addict and stay in the relationship, regardless of the addiction, or choose to love the addict and free yourself from the relationship. The choice is yours. Your life is yours. You can decide how you want to live, but you can't tell anyone else how they ought to live.

Stand up for what you believe.


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Comments 19 comments

Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

I'd say "dress like a slut"! Of course, I'm not a player anymore. I've not needed porn at all. I don't have to close my eyes and naked women will leap into my head. Oh no! Here they come...


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

These days, dressing like a slut is too frightening for everyone around me. Watch those leaping women, that you don't get injured!

Namaste friend.


Wayne Tilden profile image

Wayne Tilden 6 years ago from Roseville, California

There ARE excellent - mostly Christian - accountability groups available for men who are ready to admit they are powerless to change themselves, stop the addiction, relieve the rage, and really want to. Look up http://www.Avenueresource.com They have been a great help in my life. My marriage and other relationships have been restored and we just celebrated 31 years of marriage.


Wayne Tilden profile image

Wayne Tilden 6 years ago from Roseville, California

If a man wants to be delivered from his addictions to Pornography and anger, and if he is ready to admit that he has a problem, he is a candidate for Avenue for Men; Operation Destiny. This is an ACCOUNTABILITY group with a stress on fellowship with other men rather than secrecy. It can save relationships like it did mine. My wife and I just celebrated 31 years of marriage.

For more information go to http://www.avenueresource.com


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Wayne, thank you for the great information. I am glad to hear it helped you. Congratulations on saving your marriage.

Namaste.


Jason McClain profile image

Jason McClain 6 years ago from London

Ha! Serves me right for skim-reading the headings.

I work with men struggling with porn and their partners, and was mentally composing a "no!no!no!" tirade reply... and then the penny dropped.

The advice in this article is spot-on!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Jason, thank you for your comment and good luck with your work. I imagine it is challenging.

Namaste.


ein 6 years ago

11. If you want to have an impotent man in his middle age, by all means keep him away from porn.

12. Women view porn, too.

What women don't understand is that viewing pornography is not cheating and doesn't mean men are willing to sleep with someone else. For men, viewing porn is:

a) an efficient way to relieve stress (remember that men can't work if they are turned on);

b) a necessity, because most women don't want to/can't have sex up to six times per day (that's how many times an average man needs in order to feel satisfied, regardless of what they tell YOU about it);

c) in case nobody told you, sperm is constantly produced regardless of man's current willingness for sex and needs to be regularly "unloaded". Like taking a dump. It will be done either by masturbating or unconsciously, during sleep;

d) masturbating is a different feeling - to give up on that is to give up on one's sexuality.

e) a way for a man to cope with his jealousy because of eventual past sexual experiences of his girlfriend - by viewing porn, he somewhat demystifies those experiences.

And the list goes on...


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

wow ein. It seems as though you have a lot of energy wrapped up in this issue. For the record, I am not against porn, nor am I against having lots of sex. What I am speaking to is addictive behavior, which does have an impact on healthy relationships, and on healthy sex between two people.

Namaste.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 6 years ago

Addiction is normally thought of as participating in an activity which changes your priorities in life. For example skipping work, not being responsible with finances,watching porn at work,gambling with the rent money,stealing in order to get high, withdrawing from family and friends..etc

However I think there are a lot of people who for example watch soap operas every day and read soap digest on weekends and no one would say they are "addicted".

A man or woman could watch porn everyday and as long as it did not interfere with their daily life activities I would not consider it an addiction.

Often what happens is behavior we do not approve of we often label as unhealthy or an addiction. A non-drinker may take issue with someone who has a glass of wine every night with dinner. The fact that this person ALWAYS has a glass of wine each night is perceived as an addiction while they on the other hand are drinking a Coke/Pepsi for it's(caffeine). Some people actually get headaches and claim to be unable to function until after they have had a cup of coffee! That's addiction!

My point is just because we may not approve of something someone is "legally" doing does not mean "they have a problem". If it's a "true addiction" it will interfere with their daily lives.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thanks for your comment, dashingscorpio. I agree that there are many addictive behaviors, which alter our daily behavior and our relationships. I do not disapprove of porn use. I am speaking to porn addiction, which hampers healthy relationships. That's why the title of the hub isn't "How to Stop Your Partners Porn Viewing". I am referring to addictive behavior.

Namaste.


Onelove 5 years ago

I guess with any addiction the addictor has to come to terms how this behavior is affecting the way it make their lover feel and alter their addition. They have to want this change the same as other addicted people trying to kick a habit.

I don't believe watching the soap or an eating habit will make a lover feel less attractive or less than enough.

This is very different..ask any woman who feels like she has to compete with porn stars.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

It's true, onelove, the addict must first come to terms with the addiction themselves.

Namaste.


Serena Gabriel 5 years ago

Good article! Yes, there's no stopping a porn addict and if he's your husband or boyfriend, eventually, you're going to be in danger of getting hurt. I have been through this. I never thought it would get as bad as it did, but he was watching a lot of weird stuff I would never have guessed he was into. Move away from him if you can, change your number, don't put your name or photo anywhere, don't talk to mutual acquaintances, etc... Porn addicts only become more obsessive and aggressive. They are mentally ill. The hard thing to realize is how many of them there are... it's pretty much every guy you know these days because that stuff is everywhere and it is increasingly bizarre and violent!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Sadly, some women brag about how good their husbands have become:

"He does not go out much anymore. He spends time with me, and we go to bed together. Then, when I am asleep, he goes to the computer in the den and catches up on his work. That way he won't disturb my sleep nor does he take away our time together. I have been waiting for this day!"

Although some men are heavily addicted to porn, they are still crafty enough to keep their wives somewhat happy." This does not work for women who know what their husbands are doing. If this same man above decides to take more time from home life to enjoy porn, he could be treading on troublesome grounds.


Felicity Mick 13 months ago

So true.

For about a year and half now my husband has gotten crazy about pornography. He collects videos, images and stores them on his laptop and phone. He just couldn't live a day without viewing the images and watching the videos. He can stay up for hours for it; looks at his phone while driving, eating, while in bathroom, almost every. He gets angry easily when he is interrupted. Porn addiction has broken him so badly. It took away his self-respect, self-honor as a man. I pray and cry every night and try all I can to change him but nothing I had done helped him in any way at all. I pray that one day, may he change and may God help him.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Felicity, I am sorry to hear about your struggle. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. It is his battle.

I hope you find a solution

Namaste


kiddiecreations profile image

kiddiecreations 10 months ago

Wow, I wasn't expecting this. Good, valid points here. It brings me back to this reality: All one can do is pray for that person. It is his decision whether he makes steps to change or not.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Absolutely. We have no control over other people. All we can do is pray for their clarity of mind, and for our own peacefulness.

In the end, that's all we can control anyway, our own peaceful response to what is happening around us.

Namaste

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