Tougher Than The Rest

Blowing Smoke Rings in the Dark

I don't know where this blog is going to go so I guess the best way is to just get started. If you've read any of my previous dating blogs you'll understand my history and I'll leave it at that. It's been a while since I've taken the time to discuss my dating life (as I know I seem to have built a bit of a following online and through some of my students) so I'll share the most recent interesting tidbits that come into my life.

I've gone and done it. I've met someone that I've fallen head over heals for. She is the most amazing woman and individual that I know. She's not perfect, but her flaws just make her that much more superior to any other woman that I've met, dated, or been in a relationship with. She's a single mom with two amazing kids who have been raised by this fantastic woman. She's been divorced for almost 10 years now after she got herself out of an abusive marriage and is in real estate. Her story and what she has had to overcome just make you that much more of a fan of her.

She's got such a big, giving heart and is so warm and friendly that it's not hard to want to be close to her. She's also full of emotion, fiery at times, and is just as driven and motivated as I am. I fell for her during our first meeting after being entranced with her voice and energy during a conversation with her on the phone. We immediately became very good friends (with us both commenting that we felt like we had known each other for years) and I now count her as one of my closet, if not my best friend.

It's hard to believe that we've only known each other for just over three months. I know that's crazy, but crazy is an adjective that describes both her and me. When we are together, there is so much magic. We just "get" each other. She's one of my biggest fan and she makes me want to be a better man to be worthy of her. She has helped shape me these last few months back into who I know I am. Yes, I've taken action and done some amazing things, but I have to give her credit to the visible changes along with the lightning rod of an accountability partner and motivator that she is to me.

Her energy is so contagious and we seem to feed off of each other. I've struggled in the past with someone who was "one step forward, and two steps back", but with her, its like we aren't taking one step forward, but jumping forward multiple steps at a time. We are both assets to each other professionally and personally. I can't seem to find the words to speak when I'm around her as I get so tongue tied and my heart feels like its going to explode from my chest. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I have to just take deep breathes to contain the roaring sea of emotions in my heart. I truly believe that I've found my soul mate and have stated on several occasions to friends on how crazy I am and how I think I've found the next and hopefully final woman in my life. This splendiferous and beautiful (oh yeah, I forgot to mention how beautiful and a knockout she is!!!) woman who when she smiles, it just melts my heart. When she feels like she looks her worse, I just sit and stare in awe. I feel like an idiot around her sometimes as I can't seem to function normally.

I'm so grateful that she's in my life. Life seems so much more special with her. We never have a dull moment and we spend a ton of time together working with each and just hanging out. We have an unfiltered relationship as we both bounce business and personal decisions off of each other. We are both there for each other and she's helped me correct or work on (its a work in progress) my short comings and errors. Her words are that she "wants everyone else to love and be amazed by who I am as an individual." Everyone that comes around us is just blown away by our energy, chemistry, and magic. Those may all be the same thing, but as I said, I'm having a hard time communicating.

Have I made you sick to your stomach yet? Yep, I'm a big cheese ball, old fashioned, romantic, nice guy that is in love and finishing last again. I have had a hard time writing this blog as I've started it and erased it three times before now. I'm in love with someone who cares about me but not in the same way that I care about her. I know that she has feelings for me, but she has given her heart to someone or is chasing some asshole that doesn't respect or treat her with the care and time that she deserves. I guess it's all in the chase and people only want what they can't have. Screw what's right there. That would be too easy.

Maybe I scared her by being so open to her and her kids? Maybe I wasn't a big enough prick? Maybe I should have treated her like ass? That's just not my style and to do it would go against how I'm wired and I'd be sick to my stomach to hurt this mind blowingly phenomenal woman (I'm trying to come up with as many adjectives for amazing as I can think of.) I count myself lucky though to be in her inner circle. I've seen her cry on multiple times as she's had a rough time the last few weeks with her staff, friends, and ungrateful holy roller parents that if I could I would freakin beat down. She called me crying yesterday on how her parents have not and would not tell her how proud they are of her because she "isn't giving glory to God!" I had to choke back tears. It breaks my heart to see her upset and hurting by her parents and to hear her talk about the previous men in her life and how crazy they've treated her. Ok, so she isn't perfect. Maybe I have on rose colored glasses. I know that she is a bit jaded and a bit vulnerable and confused at times, but it just drives me that much more loco and I get even more smitten with her.

I'm scared that I'm going to lose my best friend and someone that I would wait a long time for. I'm glad that I grew the balls to tell her that I wanted to date her a while back and swallowed them back down when she kicked them in when she stated that she couldn't feel that way about me. We talk more now and spend more time with each other as "friends" and I'm thankful that I have an unlimited plan on my phone or otherwise I'd have to get a second phone line just for her. My heart still skips a beat when I see her name on my phone. I love it that she calls me on my shit and that she is truly pounding me into a better man. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I don't know.

I just know that life is better lived to have loved than to not have and I don't want to have any regrets in my life. I know that life is better with her than without her. I know that she trusts me (which is a huge thing) and that I trust her opinion over just about everyone else that I know and that she only gives me constructive criticism because she cares. I know that she loves me in her own way.

God, I'm crazy about her and I hope that to many people don't throw up reading this. I'm one of those few guys who isn't afraid to communicate how I feel. I thank my parents for sharing with us how much they loved and how proud they were for us. I know many people in life don't have that feeling. I'm lucky that way. You can imagine how I felt when she called my mom "to visit". My mom called me the next morning to tell me it made her day to talk to her. I want to climb to the top of Mt Everest to just let my feelings erupt through my mouth!

Maybe I'm being played? I don't think so. Actually, I know so. I just believe in my heart that she needs her room. I'm really not that worried about this other guy but I've got to take the lid off of this boiling pot and just simmer. I'm not like most men or for the sake of conversation anything like she's dated in the past. I respect her honesty and maybe its not what I want to hear but its always the truth coming from her. I'm proud to have her in my life and I hope that the respect and admiration doesn't shoot me in the foot. I'm a man of many acquaintances and few very good friends, so I'm happy to have added someone in my life who is my mirror in so many ways (thankfully when I look in this one I see a lot better looking individual!). Maybe I'm not the man that she needs me to be yet. I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find out. Maybe she's molding me into it. Wouldn't that be great. Well, mold away!

I'm usually pretty damn self sure and self confident in most arenas and with relationships. I guess that the shoe is on the other foot now and so I'll just have to play my hand out. I'm scared that she will read this and something will change. She was over the other night and I made a move and crossed a line in kissing her repeatedly. Bravo for taking risks my young friend. Bravo!  But she thought I was trying for "more."  I wouldn't ever want to cheapen our relationship with a one night stand.  I care to much. What we have right now, most married couples don't have. I'm all shook up, and damn I'm confused sometime. If I've found a best friend for life, so be it. I'll just have to live with that. I've seriously found an equal.

I know that there is a reason for everything that happens and that God gives us sign posts along our life. That's enough of a sermon from me! I just am a lucky guy and I consider myself to be going through this. I know that I want to share my life, my experiences, and even my travels with this breath taking woman and her two amazing kids. I don't know what life holds around the corner for any of us. I've lost to many loved ones and friends unexpectantly not to want to take the time to write or say what I feel inside for them. If I'm whooped, oh well! I seem to find symbolism in life. As I was out two stepping the other night with some other friends, two songs that I truly love kicked in. Gary Allan's "Smoke Rings in the Dark" and Chris Ledoux's "Tougher than the Rest" called to me. Well darling, I am tougher than the rest and I don't smolke, so I hope I don't end up blowing smoke in the dark! Lyrics below!

Anyway, in her words, writing is therapeutic and she knows I'm writing something. I guess its best not to disappoint. Thank you for being in my life darling, wifey, babe, and pumpkin. For those of you throwing up, make sure you get it off the screen.

Gary Allan, Smoke Rings in the Dark

Well I won't make you tell me
What I've come to understand
You're a certain kind of woman
I'm a different kind of man
I've tried to make you love me
You've tried to find a spark of the flame that burned but
Somehow turned to smoke rings in the dark

The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
'Cause it burns as slow as whiskey through an empty aching soul
And the night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowing smoke rings in the dark

I- I- I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone
And all I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark

The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark

I- I- I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone
And all I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart and
All I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark

Chris Ledoux, Tougher than the Rest

Well it's Saturday night
You're all dressed up in blue
I've been watching you awhile
Maybe you've been watching me too
And so somebody ran out
Left somebody's heart in a mess
Well if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Some girls they want a handsome Dan
Or some good-lookin' Joe
On their arm some girls want a sweet-talkin' Romeo
But around here baby
I've learned you get what you can get
So if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Oh your road is dark
And it's a thin, thin line
But I want you to know
I'd walk it for you anytime

And all your other boyfriends
They couldn't pass the test
So if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know but maybe
You've been around too
Well there's another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

And if you're ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

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Comments 1 comment

savanna paul 7 years ago

wow she is a fool if she doesnt see whats in front of her women spend there whole life waiting on a man to feel like this about them i know i am still waiting good for you for talking about your feelings i am sure it will all work out as it usually does

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