Where Are You Taking Me?
Tell me if I should get off at the next stop. I’ve been riding this love train with you for so long now, and I have no idea what you chose as the destination on the tickets you bought us. I’ve allowed you to navigate the whole way, whatever you say baby, wherever you say baby. Did they lose the piece of luggage in which I packed my brain? You know the tiny, beat up one with all the dents and scratches and barely holding itself together. Oh no, that’s the one that contains my heart. Maybe neither one will survive the trip on this train . . . this train of love.
Sometimes we’re moving so fast that the view from my window is a blurry haze of God knows what. I don’t even pay that much attention because my focus is always set on you. Everything else is just peripheral. But then you like it that way. You distract me that way. You bank on me not noticing anything that would get this train stuck on the tracks. You want to be the conductor, always call the shots. I can take it or I can leave it, although I know you’re more satisfied when I just take it. Just take it and don’t cause a hitch in your plan. Just take it, and take it . . . and take it.
When did I relinquish my power, just hand it over to you? It cost you nothing, and me everything. I wish I knew where I laid my plan down, walking away from it carelessly, thinking, and yet without thought, moreover assuming that it would always be there. Believing there would always be time for this plan in which I set sail on a sea of love. The plan where an incredible ocean breeze washes over me as I join with my love and we make for unseen shores to live in peace and harmony and bliss . . . or so I thought, so I dreamt.
I want to navigate. I want to steer us to a place where we finally arrive at us, where we are lost in us, where we are found in us. Nothing to interfere. No waiting, no timing, no figuring it all out. Just get there. Just get to where we are going. I thought our destination was one and the same. I thought our destiny was to be together. I thought my design would lead to a life lived with the one I love. I am so afraid that I missed the boat . . . and instead, boarded the train to hell.
© 2012 Bella Nina
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To be in the midst of a tormented love affair is to run naked in an endless thunderstorm. It is to be so exposed at your core that you exist on the love alone.