Trapped In You
Wrapped in each other's arms once again. Entangled in each other, again. I don't know where else to be. Do I actually exist if not for you? You take me into your arms and kiss my mouth, and it truly feels that you are where you want to be. Questions, always questions, whirling in my mind, never, never leaving me alone, even in a moment like this. Your touch nearly annihilates my ability to form any intelligent thought. I'm somewhere . . . else. And I don't know where I am.
You make your way around me, all around me, and set us on the course that leads to one destination. My mind is straining for the ability to reach you with words. But, you aren't interested in words. We are lost together in this world of our own creation. We both show up for this. I am not blameless. You love me, and then leave my presence. But, I cannot leave me. I am trapped in you.
Lying in my bed, you tangle your hands in my hair, and make me breathless with your kisses. There is only here, and there is only us. I grip you tightly with my legs, willing them to become chains which attach to you, never letting you go. It seems we cannot consume enough of each other, and I am certain that there cannot possibly be enough oxygen in the room to keep us breathing. I could die in your arms in that moment. But I live for these moments. They are life too me. You spin a desire inside of me which carries me until the next time we meet.
We are so free with each other. There is never judgment, only permission given to one another, to be exactly who we are. And the world never sees any part of it. We are like ghosts, existing only in the essence of who we are to one another when we are completely alone.
I love you. You do not comprehend how much I love you. Standing at my door and telling you good-bye, I wonder if we will ever be this alone with each other again. I wonder how you could walk away from something so beautiful, and not offer one word of . . . anything . . . to me. You are content to invade my insides in every possible way, but are wracked with no guilt of the price I pay for it all.
I hate love, but I love you. I hate my weakness, and your strength overcomes me every moment of my life. My façade hides the whimper that invades my heart, and reigns within me. I feel unending desperation at being trapped by you. The orchestration of your seduction of me was masterful. It is unequal to any other experience in my life. Your charming pursuit churned my brain into mush. Hearts don't have brains. And that is why I have continued down this road with you for such a long, long time. I have followed my heart, and ignored my brain.
You trapped me. But I hold the key to the lock you built within my heart. I hold it in my hand, and stare at it, and wish, dear God, I wish that I could turn it upon you. I wish I could enslave you as you have me. But you are swift and cold and made of granite and steel. And I have no power to break you. I would break you open if I could, and pour my love into you. I would empty my whole self into you if it would make you love me. And even if I could do that, I would still be trapped in you.
© 2014 Bella Nina
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To be in the midst of a tormented love affair is to run naked in an endless thunderstorm. It is to be so exposed at your core that you exist on the love alone.