Ultimate Gifts For The Ultimate Woman

Olivia Wilde
Olivia Wilde

Of all the senseless mistakes we men make, going completely nuts over a gorgeous fashion model who actually likes us I’d have to say is the “Number One of Mistakes for Men.” It’s bred into us. We simply cannot help ourselves. It’s similar to being struck with one of Moses’ plagues, the way we just lose control of ourselves around a soft-spoken, sweet-smelling, charming, and oh so good-looking fashion model (who I am using for my example).

We men can easily outdo any chimp or gorilla who is “acting-out” simply because he (or she) has missed the daily feeding time. Do not waste your time asking me why, for the only reasonable answer I can give is it might be related to a chemical-reaction in males’ chromosomes in conjunction to the optical pleasure our eyes have given us with seeing this gorgeous female enter our line of vision.

Megan Fox
Megan Fox

A cute, fuzzy puppy named "Ralph."

A brown kitten with no name.

A withered, worn painting you found in the ghostly-attic of an abandoned house.

A labored poem about love that you scribbled.

A purely-amateur offering of a crude love song you wrote just last night.

Then “the” epitome of senselessness kicks-in and we males start this fantasy about “what” we can give this goddess who for some cosmic reason, likes our company and finds something pleasurable about being with us in public or private.

Yvonne Strzechoswki
Yvonne Strzechoswki

A baby turtle you spied in the fountain in the city square. What he was doing there is a real mystery.

A simply-woven wool comforter made by an immigrant woman from India.

A pencil-drawing of her, the gorgeous fashion model, that you drew with a worn-out pencil.

A bag of freshly-popped popcorn you bought from a vendor who looked worried about making a profit.

A worn book of ancient poetry that you found in your grandmother's steamer trunk.

We run the breath out of our bodies to get to our banks to withdraw every cent just to spend it bit by bit on our gorgeous fashion model friend. For the flickering millisecond of seeing her beautiful blue eyes light-up with a moment of pleasure at holding a string of pearls or a diamond bracelet that would have taken our grandfathers over five-plus years to pay for. After the bracelet’s magic has dwindled, we buy bigger, lavish gifts, more and more until we find our homes mortgaged, our valuables pawned, and still, “we” men feel that this lovely vision of femininity is not fully-satisfied with our lavish offerings.

Laura Vandervoort
Laura Vandervoort

A small bottle of raindrops that fell on your second outing with your beautiful lady friend.

A homemade necklace of polished turquoise you've had since you were 18.

A photo of her initials you carved into an old tree near a beach you took her one Sunday.

A handkerchief you gave her to wipe the chocolate she got from an ice cream cone on her mouth.

A solitary daffodill you gave her when she went to Italy for a month. And promised to come back.

Then one day, while we are in the deepest waves of desperation, we run into a seasoned man of the world, a man who knows all about everything including women and their secrets. He amazes. He stuns us with his rough-hewn wisdom and it all makes sense—especially the part about what gifts beautiful women really like.

The list (in blue text boxes) entitled, “Ultimate Gifts For The Ultimate Woman,” is what he told me. Laugh, scorn, if you must. But a slow-reading of this list will open your male eyes that were once scaled-over by useless gobbility-gook manufactured by an unknowing society.

Living proof

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Comments 3 comments

ESPeck1919 profile image

ESPeck1919 2 years ago from Minneapolis, MN

The best gift my husband ever gave to me, y'know, other than sharing his life with me, is a mix-CD of songs that reminded him of us. He even designed the cover, and put one of those silly photo-booth pics of the two of us on the inside.

We still listen to it from time to time. :)

Sometimes, the simple things are so much more valuable than expensive jewelry or toys.

Marie Flint profile image

Marie Flint 2 years ago from Jacksonville, FL

Memorable gift? There aren't too many.

Years and years ago, my boyfriend gave me a book for Christmas. It was titled "How to Be Your Own Best Friend." That meant a lot to me.

Voted Funny.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author



You are right. I find it harder and harder each Christmas to buy something just right for my wife. And that, friend, is tough. But I do my very best to make her happy not just on Christmas morning, but all through the year.


That was a sweet gift. The best gift I ever gave my wife was a glass drink dispenser that can be used at picnics or reunions. It has its own on and off handle.

Who would have thought?

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