Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles

THIS FAMOUS MAGAZINE SAID IT ALL

help for the homely girl. That was then. My hub deals with ficticious dating profiles that didn't quiet make it to their mates.
help for the homely girl. That was then. My hub deals with ficticious dating profiles that didn't quiet make it to their mates.

Dating Service Applicants Who Are Still Looking For Happiness

"Look at my dress that I made myself." "For a girl as manly as I am, that shows my feminine side." "Are you my man?"
"Look at my dress that I made myself." "For a girl as manly as I am, that shows my feminine side." "Are you my man?"
"I may look manly, but that's because I am." "I like trucks, dogs and hate shaving my facial hair and legs." "Call me, bubba, and we can go on an all-night fishing trip."
"I may look manly, but that's because I am." "I like trucks, dogs and hate shaving my facial hair and legs." "Call me, bubba, and we can go on an all-night fishing trip."
"If we stand here long enough in our bridal gowns, we are bound to attract a man who doesn't have good eyesight."
"If we stand here long enough in our bridal gowns, we are bound to attract a man who doesn't have good eyesight."
"Who said we were homely?"
"Who said we were homely?"
"Pleasure times two," is what we call ourselves." "Call us tonight and we can sit around and do those puzzles of battleships that have 10,000 pieces."
"Pleasure times two," is what we call ourselves." "Call us tonight and we can sit around and do those puzzles of battleships that have 10,000 pieces."
"I am a complex man, ladies." "I like to be the boss in my relationships with girls." "Just do what I say  - - -cook for me, run my baths and "I" will be happy."
"I am a complex man, ladies." "I like to be the boss in my relationships with girls." "Just do what I say - - -cook for me, run my baths and "I" will be happy."
"Anyone want to take a chance on me?" "I know how to fish."
"Anyone want to take a chance on me?" "I know how to fish."
"Making stupid faces at family reunions, is my talent, ladies." "Call me. Maybe I can teach you how to touch your nose with your bottom lip."
"Making stupid faces at family reunions, is my talent, ladies." "Call me. Maybe I can teach you how to touch your nose with your bottom lip."
"Hey, babe! I am a bad boy. I hate the law, authority and being told what to do." "Wouldn't you love for me to take you out tonight so you can see me bully my friends?"
"Hey, babe! I am a bad boy. I hate the law, authority and being told what to do." "Wouldn't you love for me to take you out tonight so you can see me bully my friends?"
"Hey, I make a living. $5.50 an hour for part-time work is not bad." "Some girl out there would be lucky to have me."
"Hey, I make a living. $5.50 an hour for part-time work is not bad." "Some girl out there would be lucky to have me."

Let's pretend for a moment that I own a very-successful dating service. Not your average run-of-the-mill, garden variety dating service, but a top-quality dating service. I cater to all people. Lonely, happy, adventerous people who are only seeking an opportunity to date a true-blue, sane, down-to-earth person who will match their like's, dislike's and choice of shoes.

This is no cakewalk. This is painstaking work. Sometimes I do not go home for days. I will stay and work my highly-sensitive computer systems until every dating applicant has been safely, and happily matched with someone who is compatible with them.

My dating service track record is pushing a ninety-seven percent success rate. My life is finally good.

But there is one sensitive area that I will not talk about in public. Until now. That area is a sad area. An area that I pray night and day will just disappear from my dating service (and life) completely. That area is the "Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles." If you don't have good nerves and a strong stomach, then you do not need to read the rest of this piece. I do not want the responsibilty of knowing how the heart-breaking secrets of this "dark" area of my dating service will affect you. You might think about wearing a lead apron for protection.

You've now been warned. My attorney (who asked to remain anonymous) said that this warning was legal.

What I mean by unsuccessful dating profiles is that there are some "special" people who apply to my dating service in high-hopes that "I" can suitably match them with someone that they are comfortable with. Someone who isn't ashamed of being seen with them in public places. A person who will love them even with their minor flaws. Believe me, this task is tough.

What you are about to read are but a few of the select "Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles" that are on file in my secret offices somewhere in Sante Fe, New Mexico and have not, until this moment, been seen by the naked eye.

Again, you have been warned.

So if you are ready. Sitting down. Relaxed and strapped into your favorite "cuddly place" with your "honey," then we will continue as I, with some reservations, present for your concern . . .

"Unsuccessful Dating Profiles."

PROFILE #3566-9 - WILMA

Hi. My name is Wilma. I live in Tucson, Arizona. I am a single woman. Not by choice. I have exhausted all avenue's of dating areas such as church mixer's, dances and late-night grocery shopping. My friends call me "Homely," not because I have some hormone problems which cause me to have a beard like a Marine, but because I love to stay home. Again, not by choice. I like classic shoe stores; popcorn; scrabble and collecting antique shoehorns. I am looking for a man who is able to move under his own power, has a decent job, and a minimal criminal record. I am not hard to please. I have one pet, "Jockey," a chinchilla my aunt "Bessie," a rehab patient gave me years ago. I own my own mobile home. And work as a clerk in our Payless Shoe Store. If you like heated games of scrabble and eating Thai food, give me a call. Anytime day or night. I seldom sleep due to a personality crisis. I could be "the" one for you.

PROFILE #2531-9 - CARLENE

My name is Carlene. I am an outgoing divorced lady who likes canoeing, flea markets and dog track betting. I'm a non-drinker, but smoke cigarettes when I am depressed. My husband left me after three weeks due to my hobby of buying and selling stuffed chimps that he swore was consuming my life. My hobbies are sleeping late on Saturdays; barbecues but only with a close, intimate male friend like you; reading the Yellow Pages and quiet days exploring the caves where I live in Tom Tom, Montana. If you are lonely and needing a pair of strong shoulders to lean on, I'm your girl. Call me now. No cult members please.

PROFILE #0035-2 - THURMON

My name is Thurmon. My friends call me Thurmon. I am self-employed as a metal detection specialist working in the sewer systems of big cities to recover any and all monies, valuable metals and a few handguns in the process. I am 52. Single. A non-smoker, drinker, and never do drugs. I love dogs, fishing and gutting wild hogs after I kill them. I am not into rock music. I did love Country Music. Bobby Bare was my favorite until he snubbed me one time at his concert in New Blood, Oklahoma. My hobbies include napping, carving tobacco pipes from drift wood and junk food. If you want a man who is a real man. Call me today and by tonight we will be napping on the beach somewhere near Tijuana.

PROFILE #1422-7 - DORIS

Hi, I'm Doris. I have been divorced three times, but none were my fault. I work as a dealer in Las Vegas part-time. And in my public library the rest of the time. I haven't any kids, education, or social skills to speak of. I like trying new dishes to cook, motorcycles only if I can drive, and steamy movies in the privacy of my double-wide trailer. I love cats, fish and rabbits, but not for dinner. My favorite food is pork and beans. I have a drink of whiskey only in a social situation. I have most of my natural teeth. If you are tired of spending your nights alone, call me right away and let's plan our get-away to Siler City, North Carolina, where my great grandpa lives. What a romantic trip that would be.

PROFILE #7825-3 - CLAUDE

Hello, I'm Claude and looks can be deceiving. It looks like I have all of my hair, but really it's someone else's. I wanted to look young, strong and have plenty of vim and vigor when I meet my dream date. I work at the local pork processing plant just off I-55 West out of Austin, Texas. Been there for nearly 15 years so I have a stable job. I like westerns on televison, Ernest Tubb songs and my dog, "Jeb." My hobbies are working in the yard, fishing for monster fish in the swamp below my house and taking that special gal to eat at "T.W.'s Oyster Palace," across town. Call me soon as you can. Those fresh oysters won't stay fresh forever.

PROFILE #6008-6 - ARCHIE

Hello, single women, I'm Archie, a retired horse seamen harvester. That is a job that not many men can do. I am 61, in decent shape, and love females of all shapes, sizes and tan levels. My hobbies are duck decoy collecting; hiking in the woods; attending survival retreats for soon our world will be taken over by a rare species of men from a secret breeding ground in New Zealand. If you like suspense, adventure and quiet evenings in my front porch swing, just call ol' Arch. I will treat you like the queen that you are. No smokers, please.

PROFILE #3761-11 - MARGARET

Hello, this is Margaret. I live on-the-road. I love being a modern-day gypsy, but I do not shoplift. I like to wear my gypsy clothes, play my tambourine and sing traditional gypsy folk songs from Budapest for my friends, Billy Mack, Evening Star and Sir Johnny, all from England. I have no hobbies but to make a man like you happy. I do not smoke, drink or have a serious criminal record. Call me today and let me take you to my world of gypsy adventures and spiritual reconnection retreats that my people have started in Midland, Texas. Peace.


Next time I will show you the really pitiful applicants who I didn't have the heart to publish in this piece.

Here's hoping that your dates are all happy and you NEVER have to use my dating service. At all.


THIS IS THE TYPE OF GIRL

who applied to my dating service and her application was never matched to her soul mate.
who applied to my dating service and her application was never matched to her soul mate.

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Comments 8 comments

picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Wow...if these profiles weren't so terribly original, I would say you were making them up. I'm still speechless.............where are these people now!?

This hub was a read I won't forget for a long time:)


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

Funny, funny, Kenneth.... These read like some dating service profiles would if the participants told the truth! Hilarious hub, voted UP and FUNNY.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Picklesandrufus . . .look at the OPENING paragraph where I say, "let's pretend for a moment . . ."

"pretend" for I dont own a dating service, but if I did, my applicants would be like these people. Thanks for your comments and sorry if I disappointed you. OH yes, I watched a lot of The Dating Game when it was only in black and white. This was the influence of this hub.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi,Jaye,

Thank you, Good Friend, for your sweet comment. I value YOU, Picklesandrufus and ALL of MY FOLLOWERS. I wish you all a terrific weekend filled with peace and joy and Happy Mother's Day too.

Sincerely,

KENNETH


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

I'm still laughing! Actually, I think I've dated a couple of those guys...haha. Those are the kind your "friends" fix you up with and you have to come down with an illness early in the evening to get out of! You are so imaginative and funny Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest catgypsy,

I agree with you. Something like "Cant-Stand-Boring-Talk-Itis" and I wish I had used that one many times. But beggars cannot be choosers, right?

And I thank you from the heart for your visit and sweet comments.

Kenneth


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

Sooooooooooooooo funny... and the photos! I love them. Where the heck do you find the photos you use? You should be voted GREATEST HUBBER EVER!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest shea . . .Wow, thank you, my dear friend. I search the artwork websites of Fotobucket, Flickr and whatever I can get. You can do this too. Not hard. And that last sentence about me being "greatest hubber," while, dear, I do appreciate that from you, I am sure that there are many who are much better.

But I will always remember YOU saying this.

Love,

Kenneth

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