Ways To Ruin Your Marriage Proposal
Well, dude, the day has come
and you are ready. Look at you. You look absolutely stunning. New suit. Must have set you back at least $65.00. Those new shoes, now they are you. That shirt that your mom gave you three Christmases ago, aren't you glad that it still fits? Look at your hands. Why are they trembling? Hey, get a grip, dude. It's only one of the most-important days of your life. The day that you propose marriage to the pretty girl that you have dated for three years. Yeah. I said three years. Oh, you just wanted to know her well enough to get married. Truth is, you were afraid of commitment. Be honest. And having cold feet didn't help any. But those feelings and ideas that marriage "is a living prison," are gone. You had your dentist friend clean your teeth for tonight. And you have her ring in your right left pocket. Now zip your pants. You are ready to go out and propose to who you said, was "the prettiest girl on planet earth," and you said this sober to a few old college buddies.
You scamper down the steps in front of your house. Get in your car, used, but it will do you and the bride around five more years. You check your appearance in the rear-view mirror one last time. Drat! You have a piece of cheese in your front teeth. Good thing you checked otherwise you would come off looking like a jerk.
As you drive to your fiance's apartment across town, your mind wanders. You wave at your buddies who are always hanging out at Jack's Galaxy Burgers. You won't be doing any of that anymore. Hanging out. Then it hits you like a truck loaded with apples. You do not know what you are going to say in your marriage proposal. What? Say this isn't so. You got everything else right--shoes, suit, shirt, hair, teeth, reservations at Sparky's, the only Greek restaurant in town, your teeth cleaned, but of all the things you should have checked first, your marriage proposal should have been on top of the "to do" list. What a doofus. Don't sweat it. Maybe your fiancé is one of those sensitive, poet-type, undergrads, who love spontaneity in a guy. Maybe she really doesn't put that much stock into a verbal marriage proposal. Oh, man! What if she wants you to 'act it out' like a mime she dated before you came along? Let's be honest. You, my friend, are on a sinking ship. In trouble. Deep. Your world as you know it, is fading before your very eyes. Now that you think about it. You could have got your best pal, Mikey "The Bottle" Zackston, your favorite drinking buddy from college to write your proposal. Mikey might have been a boozer, but he graduated with an A in journalism.
Well, pal. Unless you are hit in the next five minutes with a lightning bolt from the heavens that gives you an award-winning marriage proposal, you need to start thinking. Now. Actually, girls do love romantic marriage proposals--roses, on the knee, white doves, that sort of thing. Not tonight. And not from you, "Mr. $65-dollar suit with dental-cleaned teeth," you are dry as the Sahara dessert by way of ideas on what to say in your marriage proposal. I got a terrific idea. Pull over at the next light. Turn off the car engine. Sit still and listen to me. I may not have what you can say, but I can tell you definitely what NOT to say in your marriage proposal. Trust me.
In Your Marriage Proposal, Do NOT Say These Things . . .
"Honey, you need to marry me for I am ALL MAN! I got myself checked last week at the doctor's office. I am healthy as a horse." Buddy, if you say something ignorant like this, even the sweat now soaking through on your shirt and your trembling hands will not cut you any slack with your girlfriend. All man? What are you doing, trying out for the college weight-lifting team? This is a romantic moment. Very intense. And you give her "I'm all man." Good luck in your bachelor days.
"Honey, you're gonna laugh. Just this morning I was fired from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken for some unexplainable reason, but don't worry. I got plenty of prospects. There's Hardee's, Burger King, McDonald's, hey I got connections." Need I tell you, my non-thinking friend, what is going through your girlfriend's head right now? She sees visions of poverty, low-income housing, and no car. Instead of telling her the 'got fired' thing, you should have said that you quit your job to get a better job so you could make more money for you two.
"Honey, I want to marry you real bad. And from what I hear from some men in town, you are not that choosy whom you marry!" Your girlfriend's face will instantly go from normal color to a tomato-red, not from embarrassment, but sheer anger. Why did you say something as stupid as this? Even if you talked to some men in Ginger's 24/7 Heaven store downtown who knew your fiancé. That was when she was wild and into partying. Well, with enough begging, crying, and starving yourself, maybe she will take you back.
"I am asking for your hand in marriage, my sweet, little cookie-wookie! And when we tie the knot, mother said we could live with her for a few months," That sealed it. Your tongue should be registered with the police as a dangerous weapon. Why did you tell your fiancé this piece for information? Huh? Did you just quit using your brain altogether? No new bride wants, desires, or craves to live with the groom's parents or just one of them. Get this in your head, my foolish friend. Get housing secured first. This is vitally-imporant to you and your new bride. Unless you want tension between your new wife and mother around the clock. Get a double-wide mobile home, buster! Now. No, make up with your fiancé first. Then get a double-wide mobile home.
"I want to ask you to marry me, sweetie. It's funny to me now, but last month, your pretty sister said 'no' when I asked her to be my wife!" Are you completely not there? I can understand nerves, stress, and such, but this, you should have kept to yourself. And listen to this social fact: her sister is not going to tell anyone, for she is too humiliated. Good luck winning your fiancé back. How are you set for living on her front porch? May I get you something--blankets, water, antibiotics, crackers?
"I want you for my wife, cutesy, and I promise to not tell you what me and my hunting buddies do on our "hunting trips," Hmmm. Stupid. And uncalled for. In the same sentence. You are good. You have probably lost your fiancé and now your hunting buddies if she does forgive you. I said ever. Why did you even think of this? Do you want to have a death wish? Well, buddy, congratulations, you got one.
"I am sure glad to have you marry me, darling. I can't cook or clean lick. Ha, ha, guess you know what your job is gonna be," Way to go, pal. She is your new bride. Or was. Didn't you know that marriage is a 50-50 arrangement? Some days you will clean and some days she will clean. You are not interviewing for a maid, but you are taking a wife. Know the difference before it's too late. Or you get your head busted by an iron skillet.
"Will you marry me, honey? I don't care if you have put on a few pounds in the last months of our engagement," Well, well, well. Went and committed one of the 'cardinal sins,' did you? Tell any girl, especially your new bride, how much she weighs is so insane that I cannot begin to tell you just how bad this is. You might as well return the shoes, suit, shirt, roses and let her keep the ring. You are not going to marry this woman. I would bet you a cool $5,000.00 and win. Easy.
"I would like to ask you to be my wife, 'honey bunch,' and that snoring problem you have, well, that won't bother me ," Cool. Real cool. Are you naturally-talented at saying dumb things and losing fiances? Answer me. I am curious. No man that I've ever counseled, has ever been this slow-of-thought. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but personal stuff like snoring and your stomach growling each time you have tacos, should be discussed AFTER the I do's. Not before.
"Honey, you just got to marry me now. I paid nearly $67.00 for these roses; $200.00 for my clothes, that tune-up on my car cost me $44.00 and the dinner for tonight, well, honey, I will put it like this: we are broke," Bad call, dude. NEVER tell a girl, especially the girl you are about to ask to marry you, how much "YOU" paid for anything. Listen. She is supposed to be the center of your universe now and forever. Costs of things are not to be discussed. You are going to let this pretty girl be the dominant part of your life. You telling her about the roses, clothes, and the dinner makes her sound overbearing. Do me a huge favor. Keep your trap shut.
AND ONE MORE IN CLOSING . . .
"I want to marry you, Junie Sue, and don't worry, after we are married, I will only drink a case of beer every other night," Really? You had to have a half-case of Bud's before you could propose to your new bride? She is not thinking AA and drinking problem and put these two thoughts with your buddies who also drink, well, all I can say is, just be friends with the girl. Don't ruin her life. I take that back . . .
You've already let your mouth do that for you.
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