Ways To Ruin Your Marriage Proposal

GUYS, IF YOU BLOW YOUR MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR FIANCE' SHE WILL GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE AND THINK FOR HOURS.
GUYS, IF YOU BLOW YOUR MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR FIANCE' SHE WILL GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE AND THINK FOR HOURS.
That's it, dude! Show the hardware first. That is slick. Get her attention. Nice move. I give you a lot of credit. She will say yes.
That's it, dude! Show the hardware first. That is slick. Get her attention. Nice move. I give you a lot of credit. She will say yes.
This girl obviously has said "yes" to this man's successful marriage proposal. Or she has had one too many glasses of the bubbly.
This girl obviously has said "yes" to this man's successful marriage proposal. Or she has had one too many glasses of the bubbly.
Yes, down on the knee, the standard way of proposing to your girl. And at sunset. Did you plan that, dude?
Yes, down on the knee, the standard way of proposing to your girl. And at sunset. Did you plan that, dude?
Dude! This is nice, smooth, and very effective. Using the red roses to seal the deal.
Dude! This is nice, smooth, and very effective. Using the red roses to seal the deal.
Okay, not bad. Smiling, looking sincere and holding an expensive ring. Is it her's? Just kidding. You are okay, dude.
Okay, not bad. Smiling, looking sincere and holding an expensive ring. Is it hers? Just kidding. You are okay, dude.

Well, dude, the day has come

and you are ready. Look at you. You look absolutely stunning. New suit. Must have set you back at least $65.00. Those new shoes, now they are you. That shirt that your mom gave you three Christmases ago, aren't you glad that it still fits? Look at your hands. Why are they trembling? Hey, get a grip, dude. It's only one of the most-important days of your life. The day that you propose marriage to the pretty girl that you have dated for three years. Yeah. I said three years. Oh, you just wanted to know her well enough to get married. Truth is, you were afraid of commitment. Be honest. And having cold feet didn't help any. But those feelings and ideas that marriage "is a living prison," are gone. You had your dentist friend clean your teeth for tonight. And you have her ring in your right left pocket. Now zip your pants. You are ready to go out and propose to who you said, was "the prettiest girl on planet earth," and you said this sober to a few old college buddies.

You scamper down the steps in front of your house. Get in your car, used, but it will do you and the bride around five more years. You check your appearance in the rear-view mirror one last time. Drat! You have a piece of cheese in your front teeth. Good thing you checked otherwise you would come off looking like a jerk.

As you drive to your fiance's apartment across town, your mind wanders. You wave at your buddies who are always hanging out at Jack's Galaxy Burgers. You won't be doing any of that anymore. Hanging out. Then it hits you like a truck loaded with apples. You do not know what you are going to say in your marriage proposal. What? Say this isn't so. You got everything else right--shoes, suit, shirt, hair, teeth, reservations at Sparky's, the only Greek restaurant in town, your teeth cleaned, but of all the things you should have checked first, your marriage proposal should have been on top of the "to do" list. What a doofus. Don't sweat it. Maybe your fiancé is one of those sensitive, poet-type, undergrads, who love spontaneity in a guy. Maybe she really doesn't put that much stock into a verbal marriage proposal. Oh, man! What if she wants you to 'act it out' like a mime she dated before you came along? Let's be honest. You, my friend, are on a sinking ship. In trouble. Deep. Your world as you know it, is fading before your very eyes. Now that you think about it. You could have got your best pal, Mikey "The Bottle" Zackston, your favorite drinking buddy from college to write your proposal. Mikey might have been a boozer, but he graduated with an A in journalism.

Well, pal. Unless you are hit in the next five minutes with a lightning bolt from the heavens that gives you an award-winning marriage proposal, you need to start thinking. Now. Actually, girls do love romantic marriage proposals--roses, on the knee, white doves, that sort of thing. Not tonight. And not from you, "Mr. $65-dollar suit with dental-cleaned teeth," you are dry as the Sahara dessert by way of ideas on what to say in your marriage proposal. I got a terrific idea. Pull over at the next light. Turn off the car engine. Sit still and listen to me. I may not have what you can say, but I can tell you definitely what NOT to say in your marriage proposal. Trust me.

In Your Marriage Proposal, Do NOT Say These Things . . .

"Honey, you need to marry me for I am ALL MAN! I got myself checked last week at the doctor's office. I am healthy as a horse." Buddy, if you say something ignorant like this, even the sweat now soaking through on your shirt and your trembling hands will not cut you any slack with your girlfriend. All man? What are you doing, trying out for the college weight-lifting team? This is a romantic moment. Very intense. And you give her "I'm all man." Good luck in your bachelor days.

"Honey, you're gonna laugh. Just this morning I was fired from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken for some unexplainable reason, but don't worry. I got plenty of prospects. There's Hardee's, Burger King, McDonald's, hey I got connections." Need I tell you, my non-thinking friend, what is going through your girlfriend's head right now? She sees visions of poverty, low-income housing, and no car. Instead of telling her the 'got fired' thing, you should have said that you quit your job to get a better job so you could make more money for you two.

"Honey, I want to marry you real bad. And from what I hear from some men in town, you are not that choosy whom you marry!" Your girlfriend's face will instantly go from normal color to a tomato-red, not from embarrassment, but sheer anger. Why did you say something as stupid as this? Even if you talked to some men in Ginger's 24/7 Heaven store downtown who knew your fiancé. That was when she was wild and into partying. Well, with enough begging, crying, and starving yourself, maybe she will take you back.

"I am asking for your hand in marriage, my sweet, little cookie-wookie! And when we tie the knot, mother said we could live with her for a few months," That sealed it. Your tongue should be registered with the police as a dangerous weapon. Why did you tell your fiancé this piece for information? Huh? Did you just quit using your brain altogether? No new bride wants, desires, or craves to live with the groom's parents or just one of them. Get this in your head, my foolish friend. Get housing secured first. This is vitally-imporant to you and your new bride. Unless you want tension between your new wife and mother around the clock. Get a double-wide mobile home, buster! Now. No, make up with your fiancé first. Then get a double-wide mobile home.

"I want to ask you to marry me, sweetie. It's funny to me now, but last month, your pretty sister said 'no' when I asked her to be my wife!" Are you completely not there? I can understand nerves, stress, and such, but this, you should have kept to yourself. And listen to this social fact: her sister is not going to tell anyone, for she is too humiliated. Good luck winning your fiancé back. How are you set for living on her front porch? May I get you something--blankets, water, antibiotics, crackers?

"I want you for my wife, cutesy, and I promise to not tell you what me and my hunting buddies do on our "hunting trips," Hmmm. Stupid. And uncalled for. In the same sentence. You are good. You have probably lost your fiancé and now your hunting buddies if she does forgive you. I said ever. Why did you even think of this? Do you want to have a death wish? Well, buddy, congratulations, you got one.

"I am sure glad to have you marry me, darling. I can't cook or clean lick. Ha, ha, guess you know what your job is gonna be," Way to go, pal. She is your new bride. Or was. Didn't you know that marriage is a 50-50 arrangement? Some days you will clean and some days she will clean. You are not interviewing for a maid, but you are taking a wife. Know the difference before it's too late. Or you get your head busted by an iron skillet.

"Will you marry me, honey? I don't care if you have put on a few pounds in the last months of our engagement," Well, well, well. Went and committed one of the 'cardinal sins,' did you? Tell any girl, especially your new bride, how much she weighs is so insane that I cannot begin to tell you just how bad this is. You might as well return the shoes, suit, shirt, roses and let her keep the ring. You are not going to marry this woman. I would bet you a cool $5,000.00 and win. Easy.

"I would like to ask you to be my wife, 'honey bunch,' and that snoring problem you have, well, that won't bother me ," Cool. Real cool. Are you naturally-talented at saying dumb things and losing fiances? Answer me. I am curious. No man that I've ever counseled, has ever been this slow-of-thought. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but personal stuff like snoring and your stomach growling each time you have tacos, should be discussed AFTER the I do's. Not before.

"Honey, you just got to marry me now. I paid nearly $67.00 for these roses; $200.00 for my clothes, that tune-up on my car cost me $44.00 and the dinner for tonight, well, honey, I will put it like this: we are broke," Bad call, dude. NEVER tell a girl, especially the girl you are about to ask to marry you, how much "YOU" paid for anything. Listen. She is supposed to be the center of your universe now and forever. Costs of things are not to be discussed. You are going to let this pretty girl be the dominant part of your life. You telling her about the roses, clothes, and the dinner makes her sound overbearing. Do me a huge favor. Keep your trap shut.

AND ONE MORE IN CLOSING . . .

"I want to marry you, Junie Sue, and don't worry, after we are married, I will only drink a case of beer every other night," Really? You had to have a half-case of Bud's before you could propose to your new bride? She is not thinking AA and drinking problem and put these two thoughts with your buddies who also drink, well, all I can say is, just be friends with the girl. Don't ruin her life. I take that back . . .

You've already let your mouth do that for you.



HONESTLY, GIRLS. THINK. WOULD YOU REALLY MARRY A GUY WHO 'COOKS' WITH HIS CARPENTRY TOOLS?
HONESTLY, GIRLS. THINK. WOULD YOU REALLY MARRY A GUY WHO 'COOKS' WITH HIS CARPENTRY TOOLS?
GIRLS, DO NOT BE GULLIBLE. FUN IS FUN, BUT MARRIAGE IS A SERIOUS UNION BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN. WOULD YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO BE LIKE THIS MAN AFTER THE WEDDING?
GIRLS, DO NOT BE GULLIBLE. FUN IS FUN, BUT MARRIAGE IS A SERIOUS UNION BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN. WOULD YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO BE LIKE THIS MAN AFTER THE WEDDING?
MARRIAGE PROPOSALS CAN GO BOTH WAYS. THIS CHINESE GIRL IS PROPOSING TO HER FIANCE' FROM ATOP HER CAR. WHAT LOVE! WHAT DEVOTION!
MARRIAGE PROPOSALS CAN GO BOTH WAYS. THIS CHINESE GIRL IS PROPOSING TO HER FIANCE' FROM ATOP HER CAR. WHAT LOVE! WHAT DEVOTION!

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Comments 19 comments

Seeker7 profile image

Seeker7 5 years ago from Fife, Scotland

LMAO!! This is one of the best hubs I've read in ages - it's hilarious!!!! But you also manage to get your point across! You are a wonderful talent indeed!! I really loved this - bookmarked as a favourite!

Voted up + awesome!!


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Actually, blowing a marriage proposal may not be such a bad idea.

Think about it.

^_*


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

THANK YOU, SINCERELY . . .Seeker7..that, YES, THAT COMMENT, made my day. I am shutting down my PC for today...I am not worthy of such kindnesses as YOU have shown. If you give me time, I shall repay the kind words that you have given me. Thanks again. Sincerely.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Will, you have a point, but for me, I hate lonliness, empty house, no one to talk to, cook for me, etc. I am not made for the Lone Wolf style of life...hey, there's a hub idea for YOU..."Confessions OF A Lone Wolf," I WOULD vote up and away..Promise. Think about it. Will. Sincerely, Kenneth


Lee B profile image

Lee B 5 years ago from New Mexico

Good one, Kenneth! I now look for your hubs when I need to laugh--but with some good thinking and writing behind the joking.

So here's one for you...the guy tosses the little velvet box at me. When I open it up and oooh and ahhh, he says, "Diamonds are a total rip off. It's really only worth $5." And I married him anyway!(at least I knew what I was getting into)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, LeeB, what a neat line! You always cheer me up with your comments. If your man had only thought to just be humble and say nothing, but I agree, he WAS honest. And that is a rare thing to have in a marriage. Why don't YOU write a hub like, "Marriage Proposals That "I" Would Have Loved To Heard," or something like that? You could handle it with ease, LeeB. I appreciate YOU so much. Warmest regards, Kenneth


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

"...hey, there's a hub idea for YOU..."Confessions OF A Lone Wolf,"

Sorry, but I have both a mate and a litter.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Will, I have to humbly pass. YOU DO THIS. I too have a manager/wife and my litter is grown with 'pups' of her own. And honestly, my days as a Lone Wolf were not that terrific. I had rather not share these dismal days of depression and rejection with the public. But thanks anyway, Will. Take care. Kenneth


leann2800 5 years ago

All of these are definite no-no's. Maybe you and Will should write fiction. Since you both have wives and kiddies but you both have great story ideas about the alternatives.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

leann2800, you have a point there alright. When I proposed to my wife, I simply caught her off-guard as I walked her to her front door. Hmmm, wonder what she would said if I had given her time to think???? Thanks, for your comment. I apppreciate it. Kenneth


jenubouka 5 years ago

This is just way to funny. I have to give it to the guys who think of crazy and wacky ideas to ask, means they thought about it and chickened out every time so they just went with acting like an ass so she would have to say yes....


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

jenubouka . . .THANKS SO MUCH, dear hub friend, for this warm comment. I appreciate you and your words a LOT! And by all means, use this as a "How Not To Ask Your Girlfriend TO Marry You," lesson plan. I am honored to be used in such a storied tradition. Sincerely and keep in touch. KENNETH


Sueswan 5 years ago

"I am asking for your hand in marriage, my sweet, little cookie-wookie! And when we tie the knot, mother said we could live with her for a few months," That sealed it. Your tongue should be registered with the police as a dangerous weapon. " LOL. Kenneth, it sounds like this kind of guy doesn't want to get married in the first place. No woman wants to marry a momma's boy.

Hope you are doing well my friend. I have been burning the midnight oil. Time for my beauty sleep. ;-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Sueswan . . .you got it, my dear friend. Been preaching this concept/idea for years...most women like men who can take charge of events, lie, but not necessarily of them, the women, but are not mama's boys. But I find also that there is a cross-section of modern girls who appreciate men who respect their mom's. I still take your side, Susan. YOU have never commented me in a negative way. And beauty sleep???? Are you kidding me? You look fine. Sincerely, Kenneth


Sueswan 5 years ago

Dear Kenneth,

Remind me to write you a check for your charm and sweetness. lol


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

3:05 p.m., CST, 10-31-2011

NO charge. On the house! Kenneth


Sueswan 5 years ago

You are too kind Kenneth. I can't thank you enough. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

10-31-2011, 10:07 p.m.,CST

Dear Sueswan,

Just honest. Sincere. Not just writing things to hear my keyboard clickity clack. LOL. You deserve it. Sincerely, KENNETH


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

Sooooo funny Ken! Tell me, is there really a place called 'Jack's Galaxy Burgers?' Because you could call your book, Kenny's Galaxy Burgers.

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