Well Kept Secret
The best kept secret is one you are not privy to
Within my 45 years of learning about myself and others , were lesson with parents and the people around my daily world. The church taught me about God and my parents confirmed all this. My elder neighbors taught me about understanding, patience and tolerance.
In my small southern town, I still grew up around gay men. It seemed that they were also my neighbors and many worked with my parents and as I grew older I also was around them at work. It never was really discussed , other than at church. It would certainly send one to hell.
My adult life started early as I married at age 16. We began dating when I was close to 15 and he was 21. We met in the hospital as I was a patient with a brain stem head injury. However I did not remember him and my mom recalled he was interested in getting to know me. She was feeling bad for me as I sat home in tears one Friday night. The tears were for several reason.....I could not remember the last 2 years of my life and the guy I had been dating for a year had all he could take of my lack of memory. He was only 16 but tried to take great care of me when we were together.
My mom suggested I give this orderly a call and ask him to church. What did I have to lose I thought ...so I did. The nightmare begins.
My first sign should have been that Steve was late for church and showed up after it was over. Sitting in his convertible and looking much older than I . My anxiety was up but he had a smile that was ever so sweet and looked like a GQ model to boot. I said my goodbyes to my family as I nervously sat next to him in his little car.
We went out to lunch and had a mundane meal of steak and potato. The only concern for me at the time is how I was going to cut this up myself. My dad normally grilled the steaks and my mom always cut mine up for me. The embarrassment is obvious as Steve takes my hand and explains the proper usage of the utensils.
Over the course of a year we continued dating and after 6 months he proposed. Knowing I wasn't ready I asked him to please give me some time. He was insistant that we belonged together and just asked that I wear the ring and decide. A month later I tried to give the ring back but he stated that if I took it off that we were done. My mind and heart was in a whirl. Between the head injury and the lack of understanding of these type injuries and the fact that I wasn't sure what love really was.........needless to say I didn't want to leave someone I enjoyed and had fun with.......so I kept the ring and we set a date.
Since my parents agreed to the union and I was a walking zombie...except when Steve filled my glass with Jack Daniels. We all seemed happy and who am I to stop the celebration? Life was moving fast and Steve was too. I was so not ready for marriage or sex, He felt very different and decided to take it. Raised so Christian I knew now I had to marry this man.
It was the most difficult time for me. Trying to be honorable and also keep my sanity. Once married he explained he is now my guardian and I have to comply with his wishes or he will have me put in a mental ward. He was friends with many doctors and we went to the many parties at their homes. Pills were on party trays, alcohol was flowing. and all I remember is that I only had one drink and was then out of it. I longed to go home and was the youngest there always. For that I was apparantly drugged to stop longing for home and that Steve was free to meet new women.
Once home it was rape and another sexual lesson. By 16 I knew too much and did not understand. If I stood up for myself and told him no....I was beaten during sex and a few times thrown against a wall.......only to aggravate my symptoms of the head injury.
He was having affairs before and during our few year marriage and I was given more info after we divorced. He had children with a few of these ladies. My panic attacks started and now I was self medicating with alcohol.
I left Steve at age 19 and moved away from his Jekyll and Hyde torture. By then my frail mind was starting to toughen and my heart that had not been given a true chance was as well.
There was no where for me to feel safe , even at home all alone, so my honorable self took a dive into a life that did not require safe. My fear turned to bitter and my view on men now was very low. Of Course only if they wanted to have sex with me were they despicable and evil. I tried several relationships out and mostly I found such differences with them that I couldn't stay in the courtship. However I did move forward and marry twice again. They lasted a few years as well. I made great friends with them first and was able to remain that.
When all is said and done............I now am married again ( To Kim) and have never been more happy or more able to be myself. Over the last 5 years I have sincerely soul searched this and have come up with that had I been left to myself back then I would have probably chosen this lifestyle. However I never was given the option in my own mind. The church decided for this small town girl.
The topic of discussion as of late has been.......are we born gay or is it a product of our tortured past. at the hands of someone that has sexually abused us or mentally as well. My thoughts are that no one is born sexual and that it is a choice.....I still feel much that way but now realize my choice was taken from me when the church harped on the sin in the lives of homosexuals and that Steve added to the choice of forever being secretly afraid of men.
Now that I am older and realize the words of the bible have been interpreted many times and more likely than not changed and altered to let men control the people of their lands with laws and using Gods name to have order and wealth gained
The fact still remains that I am ever so happy and feel within my element and I did not have to go through many years of in the closet for fear of losing anyone or a job and at the very least my self esteem that has been growing over the years of becoming my own person and a mother.
Looking back in time at my childhood and the way I saw people............many were old and loving, others were superfical and fake smiling and some just worked hard and kept to themselves. I liked them all. My loving nature has helped me to overcome the upsets in my life and help others find peace with their choices as well.
As a young child I had every Barbie and her sister too.........they together had many babies in their Barbie world..........No Ken ...no G.I Joe . was ever wanted in this happy family. My friends would come over and bring them...but I kept them in line and they were not allowed to hold the babies. Maybe that was my sign.
As far as Gods approval.......I know he found my wife for me and he has guided me in this relationship. I can't imagine anyone having to keep their significant other a secret . My children were very supportive and even my last ex hubby has well wishes for us. Before Kim came in my life I asked God almost daily to take me home as my living was barely existence and my pain was too much for my children to watch or me to bear. Not knowing what all tomorrow brings...I will say this...... My life belongs to God....I am his soldier and he is my keeper. Whatever comes from this day forward will be another lesson.......with much blessings.
I would love to hear from everyone with a view on nature VS. nuture and the ideas of what a person is born with. My thoughts are that we are born to need and if that need is met we form love bonds .......and the outer reach later in life is a love that is in the confines of a sexual relationship.
This is a great place to share a thought and analyze as well. I look forward to hearing back from you all here at Hub pages.
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