What The Hell Do You Expect From me?

 Having been born in the south I was under the impression that slavery was abolished with President Lincoln. After living for awhile and having gone through various relationships I have come to realize that this is not the case. There are many persons who whether in a relatioship or a job that is over-demanding are still in a state of servitutude.

I am a freelance writer, Executive Director of a Prison Reform organization, wife, mother, and SLAVE!!  I am sure there are other both male and female who find themselves in the same situation.

My day begins at 6am when the child has to get up and get ready for school. You are tired or sick or whatever is conveinent at the time, so i also have to walk him to school. True it is only 1 and a half blocks but it is below freezing outside. I also have to pick him up in the afternoon which is not a joy either. After returning from this chore I have to fix you breakfast and serve it to you in bed, where you then leave the dishes for me to pick up later. This is only the beginning.

You get to leave the house and go to work and spend time with your co-workers. I am stuck in the house with all the chores, you don't even take out the garbage. I am alone for most of the day until our son comes home and I have a conversation with a 9 year old until you get home.

I used to write everyday. I consider myself a very talented writer and advocate for the organization I volunteer for. But you both seem to be the same, no matter how much I do it is never enough. You leave me in a sour mood every morning and what you don't accomplish in this field my friends on the board of directors seem to be able to finish for you. I just realized today that i haven't written an article in 4 months. But it is not enough for everyone. The house has to be cleaned, the laundry done, dinner prepared and so on and so on.

What the hell do you expect from me? Do you think that I don't need a life of my own, something that brings me joy and self-worth...like writing. Am I not supposed to have another part of my life that belongs just to me? Something that makes me feel special and useful? What the hell do you expect from me?

When you have given your all and you are drained, empty and void...what is left? Who takes care of me when I am sick, tired, or just had enough? I am left to fiend for myself.

Maybe I am to caring of a person, to sensitive, or maybe just to stupid. At any rate I am fed up. I know I can do better...I know I have a purpose in this life more than as a maid or a secretary.

The clothes and housework are done, the next board of directors meeting is setup...but its not enough. What the hell do you all expect from me?

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Comments 9 comments

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge

I'm confused and need to go back and read your hubs in order. I just finished one in which you had left an abusive relationship. Is this a new person or did that relationship start up again? I hope not. Guess I'd best go find out for myself.

Thought too - It's possible to can project what we expect from ourselves as what others expect of us when in fact, they only see us as driven to please. This probably isn't the case but I found myself "over performing" out of habit and my husband was shocked when I said he was demanding this behavior from me. In my case, I was the culprit because doing and being and fixing was the only reason my mother tolerated me and that pattern repeated it in too many relationships.

Off to read more of your interesting hubs and to try to get a chronological sense of where you are.


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 5 years ago from Dallas Texas Author

Heart,

Hello my dear friend. it is so good to see you again. I guess I am just to the point that i really don't care if the relationship survives....at this point and time I don't want it to. i feel I am smothering. I feel overwhelmed and like i am dying inside. i appreciate your words of encouragement and concern.

Warmest regards,

chris


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 5 years ago from hub

Christal, I have been there..for real, I looked at my life one day, and the history of my grandmothers? How they lived their last days. Thought to myself is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Started going into a depression, and had a serious talk with my spouse! Asked him, if he was happy? He said he was..I told him I wasn't. I asked him, is this how he thought his life would be at this stage in our lives? I again shared with him, that this was not the picture, I had of our lives when I got married to him. We had goals and dreams! We were excited about life, and being together, together! After this, he gave me grace...to look into things that gave me energy, and time away to take some classes:) It was ok, to have pizza or sloppy joes for dinner. (Less mess:) He even helped pick up more! We even scheduled time for him, to do somethings he wanted in life. Didn't mean this to be so lengthy, yet you are a sweet person..and you should be able to live your life in happiness:) See where your family, can help give you a break once or twice a week? Hugs to you Christal:)


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 5 years ago from Dallas Texas Author

thanks to everyone for your comments and advice. I knoe what I have to do. Exploring it is true that it is much easier said than done. I love my position as Executive Director of Cure. I just feel I need room to breathe.

warmest regards,

chris


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

It's easy to give advise, the difficult task is doing the work. Only you can make a change in your life. I wish you much success. I might add one thing, it's very hurtful for a child to live in an unhappy home.

Take Care

Cheers


fucsia profile image

fucsia 5 years ago

christalluna: you, only you, have the power to change your life. You can take your piece of freedom. Do it! Freedom is the only atmosphere in which can blossom and grow true love, toward others and toward youself.


arthurchappell profile image

arthurchappell 5 years ago from Manchester, England

Hope your writing goves you some ofthe freedom you deserve at least and that your partner allows you some more space to be you too


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

I hate to say it, but you have all the power to change your life you need. The control is completely yours - nobody can make you do anything. You give it up yourself.

You are in a lifetrap just like most of us until you realize that you are and it is your responsibility to get out.

I empathize, it took me a long time to realize, not without help from more knowledgeable people, but the work has to be done by myself as well.


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

I am a military wife (well just recently ex) and mother of four and two with Autism spectrum disorders and two ex husband's need I say more:)

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