What Women REALLY Want: Ten Things a Man Can Do To Improve His Relationship

Marriage Can Be Like Wine--More Sweet With Time

What Does a Woman Want?

What does a woman want? Have you ever gotten a response from a woman that perplexed you? This article is for all you men out there. It's not a secret—we women know that we can be complex. The very things that make us hard to live with are sometimes the very same that make us hard to live without. But if you are in a relationship, learning how to "live with" your woman may be a challenging experience at times. I'm here to help shed some light on some things I believe MOST (not all) women have in common. If you read this article, try these suggestions, and if after a qualified period of time you see no results, then perhaps your woman falls in the "not all" category.

Although it may see seem that it is easy to mess up or offend a woman, it can also be quite simple to make us happy and feel cherished. I guess I need one more disclaimer here. This article refers to an average, relationally healthy-for-the-most-part, mature-for-the-most-part relationship. Some relationships are made up of one or two highly immature, selfish people. This article will probably not help that couple very much. There are also relationships where one partner or the other is highly wounded and needs quite a bit of emotional healing—this article, alone, will not be enough to help that scenario either. This is just for your every-day "we love each other but sometimes can't stand each other but I'm willing to try" kind of couple.

Additionally, I must state that these are not the only ingredients necessary for a healthy relationship. I have listed ten things--but relationships consist of more than ten things. Women have their individual preferences--some want an intelligent man--some want a man who can make them laugh, etc. I'm not talking about preferences--I'm talking about basic, relational needs. Consider this article to be like one tool among many. You can have an entire garage full of tools, but without the right building materials, blueprints, and people willing to use the tools and do the work, the tools in of themselves don't have much value.

Furthermore, I want to say that this article is only one-half of a whole. Women are not excluded from having to work at a relationship to understand, respect, and love their husbands. I invite anyone reading this to write a Hub for relational tips women can utilize. The focus of this particular article, however, is on what men can do to improve their relationships.

Finally, I want to make the point that men and women are indeed VERY different in many respects. I am not advocating that men need to change and become more "woman-like." Men are designed to be men. Men don't need to become somebody who they are not in order to please a woman. Many relationships would benefit if men and women could simply understand that gender differences in terms of how men and women view, experience, and interact in the world greatly color the perspective from which the other experiences the relationship. What is a big deal to her doesn't have to be a big deal to you--but if she is a big deal to you--then you will want to learn how to meet needs in her that you don't have and hopefully she will learn to meet needs in you that she doesn't have.

Having said that, let's begin! Okay men, write these down or print this out, because you'll want to keep these simple strategies close-at-hand!

10 Things That Women Want:

  1. To feel understood.
  2. To be appreciated.
  3. To be heard.
  4. To be cherished.
  5. To feel beautiful.
  6. To feel secure.
  7. To be honored.
  8. To be encouraged.
  9. To be celebrated.
  10. To be loved.

1. To Feel Understood

Just because it's not a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to her! You can try to understand (good luck) but the truth is, often times it just won't make sense to you. As the author of the popular book on relationships, Love and Respect suggests, women perceive the world through pink sunglasses while men perceive the world through blue sunglasses. It's not about right and wrong--its just different. The good news is, you don't have to fully understand in order to respond well! A woman wants to feel like she is heard, understood, and that you care about her.

Example Scenario: You spill a few crumbs on the floor as you grab a piece of pizza out of the box and forgo the plate so you can go straight from box to mouth. You leave the kitchen and turn around a few moments later to see your wife standing there, hands on her hips, pointing at the crumbs. "You don't even care!" she cries. You don't even know what she's talking about! The conversation might typically go like this:

You: "What are you talking about?"

Her: "See, you don't even know."

You: "Know what!?!"

Her: "Forget it, it doesn't matter."

You: "Ok—whatever."

Now it is just a matter of time before she explodes because she really doesn't want you to "forget it" and trust me—it matters!

Instead of getting annoyed because she's "being overly sensitive again," try showing her that you care about her and are willing to seek understanding. You can do this by listening. Try this:

You: "What's wrong honey—what don't I care about? Help me understand."

Her: "I spent all day cleaning the house and making it perfect and you just throw crumbs around like it's no big deal. You don't even love me enough to use a plate."

You: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I really appreciate all the work you did cleaning the house today—it looks great" [as you reach for the dustpan to clean up the crumbs].


***NOTE: This article does not focus on triggers --but in this scenario, the crumbs on the floor are clearly not the issue, the crumbs are a "trigger." When a person over-reacts, it is because there is something deeper underneath. All fruit has a deeper root. For more information on this, see my Hub about ANGER, in which this concept is more fully developed.

2. To Be Appreciated

Just because you appreciate her, doesn't mean she knows it!

Example Scenario: Wife just finished making dinner. It's on the table and she tells you the food is ready. You finish what you are working on and come in ten minutes later to find your wife highly frustrated. "You don't appreciate me," she cries and runs out of the kitchen. What went wrong?

It can be a tricky task to cook and to get each dish to finish at the same time so that all elements of the meal are warm. That ten minutes that you took to finish your work were ten minutes that your wife spent feeling like you don't care about the fact that she cooks for you or that she wants to feed you a warm meal. Her nature is to nurture and when this gets blocked, frustration is often the result. You can always go back to your work later. Next time try to come into the kitchen right away and let the first words out of your mouth be, "Wow, this looks great. Thank you—I really appreciate you making this meal." If you really want to go the extra mile, tell her that you appreciate all she does and that you will do the dishes afterwards. This simple task will touch her heart more than you realize. Women typically melt when they feel truly appreciated. If you do this, you may want to "go to bed" early instead of getting back to your briefcase—perhaps she'll want to show you how much she appreciates being appreciated!

3. To Be Heard

Women want to know that you not only listen, but that you hear what they say. They want you to respond to their emotions, not to try to "fix everything." You don't have to experience the same emotions she is feeling; simply acknowledging, affirming, and responding to her emotions will validate the need she has to be heard. If a woman wants your advice—she will ask you. Most times, she just wants to be heard. She feels loved when she is really listened to.

Example Scenario: Your wife complains that she is tired and that her days are too busy. Between her job, the kids, and other commitments, she feels like there is no time for her. Your initial response might be to identify the problems and find a solution. But none of this shows that you are responding to the emotions that she just expressed. Respond to emotion with emotion. And try paraphrasing or summarizing a few things she said—this will show her that you are really paying attention! Logic and problem-solving can come a little later.

So instead of:

Her:"…and that's why I'm so tired."

You: "Well the first thing you need to do is…and this other thing is a problem because… etc."

Try This:

Her:"…and that's why I'm so tired."

You: "I'm sorry that you are feeling so tired. I can see how x and y and z can take a lot out of you. Come here. (Give her a hug). I want you to know I'm here for you. Is there something I can do to help?"

She may take you up on the offer to help—but most times she's just looking for empathy. After you've shown her that you've listened and that you care, you will probably see her relax a little and maybe even breathe a sigh of relief. This might be a time for problem-solving if you have ideas. You could say something like, "I don’t like too see you so tired. I have a few ideas that might help if you want to hear them." If she says yes, she's ready for your help and now you can help do that fixing thing that you love!

NOTE: I am not suggesting that you enable your wife to vent unceasingly, or agree with complaining or gossip. The healthy expression women need is to talk about their feelings, emotions, frustrations, and fears. If your wife has issues with complaining and wants you to listen to hours of unhealthy venting, then you may need to look into setting some healthy boundaries.

4. To Be Cherished

DO sweat the small stuff! It's the little things that often get you into trouble—and can get you out of trouble or even prevent it! There are lots of "small" ways to show your wife that you cherish her that will go a long way. Women don't need to be cherished because they are spoiled or weak--they need to be cherished because this is a deep need built within their very fabric. Just because men may not experience this same need, doesn't mean that its not a genuine need for women. Never judge your spouse's needs according to your own!

What does the word "cherish" mean? The opposite of cherish is "to neglect." Some words you may find in the dictionary to define cherish are: "to hold or treat as dear; to feel love for; to care for tenderly; giving affection, care, or to shelter something; treating something as valuable; to nourish with care; to promote, increase, or strengthen; to foster a hope."

Can you imagine what your wife would experience if you did even this one thing on this list of ten? Instead of giving an example scenario, here are just a few ideas of ways that you can show your wife that you cherish her:

- Give her a hug and tell her why she's important to you, etc.

- Leave a little love note in a place where you know she will find it—list some reasons why you love her, etc.

- Hold her near and touch her tenderly; perhaps run your fingers through her hair, rub her back or feet; make sure she knows that you are not trying to get something from her but are offering affection to her freely without expectation of more.

- Make her feel protected; hold her hand while walking down the street or offer her a blanket or sweater is she's cold, etc.

- Leave post-it notes around the house with short declarations of why you love her, etc.

- Buy her a small gift—maybe surprise her with a favorite coffee drink, a beautiful flower, a thoughtful card (include your own hand-written message!), or gourmet chocolate, etc.

- Support her in something that is important to her—if she is an advocate of feeding hungry children, offer to volunteer with her on a Saturday at a shelter; if she is a writer, read something she's written and give her encouraging feedback; if she's been teaching your child to read, comment on what a wonderful job she's been doing, etc.

- Inspire hope in the dreams of her heart—has she always dreamed of opening up her own home spa? Buy her a small item for the spa room and tell her you believe in her. Has she desired to home-school the kids? Find a little knick-knack that says "Best Teacher" or something similar, etc.

5. To Feel Beautiful

Not all women are as attractive as the most attractive person on earth, but each woman is beautiful in her own way. There is an inner beauty and an outer beauty that is unique to each individual. Seek out the beauty in her and let her know you notice it! Let her know when she looks nice in a dress, when her make-up is done well, or when her hair looks good. Notice when she gets a haircut or colors her hair. Compliment her on her eye color or on how smooth her skin is. And remember, beauty is not just external. Let her know how cute she is when she laughs, how beautiful she is when she helps others, or how sexy she is when she's studying. Remember, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," so if you struggle to find beauty in your wife, check your heart to see what's blocking you!

6. To Feel Secure

A woman should not feel like all of her security comes from you, lest you become an idol unable to fulfill such expectations. But women want to feel that you are safe and that they can trust you. They want to know that you are a person of integrity in whom they can trust. You don't have to be perfect--just honest and full of good will towards her. She will appreciate even your intentions if they are genuine.

One of the ways that you can build trust with the women in your life is by consistency. Whatever you do the most, is noticed most! If you spend most of your time neglecting your wife, and only focus on noticing her for major holidays, she will not trust that you really care. You don't have to feel pressured to do all ten things on this list every day and in a big way. Remember, the little things count! If it is not easy for you to consistently demonstrate the things on this list of ten, then it may benefit you to make a plan. Try this:

A. - Get 10 note cards—on the front of each note card write one of each of these ten ways to love your woman as mentioned in this article

B - Use the back of the note cards to write down some ways that you might demonstrate each principle. There are examples in this article, you can find countless examples online, and you can also come up with your own ideas! Look for ways to add ideas to your note card over time—when you see a movie, hear a woman tell a story, or read a book, snatch up good ideas and jot them down on the cards.

C - Rotate the cards throughout the week. Perhaps start by trying to do just one idea from a card every day. Don't get overwhelmed—I'm talking about a minimum of 5 minutes out of your day to show the woman you love that you care. Of course some of the ideas will take longer than 5 minutes—but at the very least—be intentional about at least 5 minutes of each day to tangibly show your woman that you love her. When she's having a harder time, go the extra mile. Keep the cards in a place that you will see them regularly and be able to use them.

If you develop a track record of consistently showing your woman that you love her, it will be much easier for her to give you grace for the times you mess up or forget because she is secure in your love for her since she experiences it on a regular basis.

7. To be Honored

Once upon a time ago, men did things such as open doors for women. I know there are still many men that do this today—thank you! But my observation is that as generations go by, the idea of "chivalry" has gotten lost. I could speculate as to the reasons why, but that would be a diversion. I can't speak on behalf of all women, but I know many who love the idea of being treated as honorable by a man. Offer to carry the groceries, the luggage, or the baby bag. Hold open doors, open car doors, or drop her off at the front door. There is a reason that many women love to watch movies and read books from the era of the 1800s when women dressed up in beautiful gowns and men tipped their hats and used fine manners. There is a beautiful and gentle soul in every woman—there is also a crabby nag inside each, as well. You will experience the one that you groom. Whichever of the two is most often spoken to, is the one that will most often respond! Do you want your woman to treat you like a King? Then treat her as the King's worthy Queen.

8. To be Encouraged

Think of words like deposits and withdraws in a bank account. Every time you speak a kind word, you deposit $1. Every time you speak a negative word, you withdraw $4. If you speak more negative words than kind words, you will quickly be in relational debt! Take some time to speak positively about your wife. Speak kindly about her, to her, and to others. Take initiative to say please and thank you—showing her your appreciation for what she does. Give her compliments. Let her know that it is going to be OK when she's had a rough day. Remind her of her successes, as it can be easy for her to focus on her faults.

To illustrate this principle, let me tell you a quick story from my own life. One of the areas in which I am still growing in, is patience. It can be hard for me to wait for things. I am pretty quick-paced and efficient. So wouldn't you know that I ended up marrying a man who is more laid-back? It is not that one way is better than another—we are just different. On one particular day, I was being extremely impatient with my husband. I just wanted him to go faster. Now let me make it clear that it was I, not he, who was in the wrong. I was simply being impatient and wasn't being very gracious in my interactions with my husband. Instead of getting angry at me (which would have been a reasonable reaction) he looked at me, smiled, and said in a very kind manner, "Jenna—my patient princess—come here," and he hugged me. I melted in his arms. He didn't have to scold me. He reminded me of my true identity and in the embrace of grace, I was motivated and empowered to be more patient. I apologized to him as tears formed in the corner of my eyes (for his demonstration of unconditional love deeply convicted my heart), and I became more like a "patient princess" for the rest of the day.

9. To be Celebrated

Celebrate your woman, not the holidays! Don't get me wrong, it is important to celebrate your anniversary, your wife's birthday, and Valentine's Day. But don't limit your celebrations to just those! Celebrate your wife on a regular basis just because she's worthy to be celebrated. Here are some ways you can celebrate your woman:

A. – Take her out on a surprise date and tell her that you two are going to celebrate. When she asks what the occasion, tell her you want to celebrate her!

B. – Be happy with your wife. You may not be personally excited if she finishes knitting a blanket, but if she's excited, be excited with her! Celebrate her accomplishments by using kind words, meaningful cards or letters, or small gifts.

C. – Make a big deal out of the things that are a big deal to her. Maybe she's been working for two months to lose a pound and she finally did—don't blow it off as no big deal—if she's excited, be excited with her.

D. – Throw a surprise party in honor of your wife. Invite friends and family to come prepared with kind words or memories written down on an index card. Collect the index cards and put them in a small photo album so your wife can have a keepsake to remind her that she is loved.

E. – Make her a cake—or muffins—or her favorite sandwich. Surprise her at work or plan a weekend picnic. Include a written note on a napkin. It can be as simple as, "Because I love you."

10. To be Loved

Love is the foundation—it is the most important component of a relationship to women. Love is what breathes life into their spirits. Love is to be unconditional. It is freely given. It is not earned. Love does not say, "Make yourself more lovable and then I'll love you." It does not say, "Do this for me and then I'll love you." Love simply loves for the sake of loving. Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is a lifestyle, not a fleeting experience. Love is a thought—a choice—and an action. In our culture today, we can say in the same sentence, "I love cheeseburgers—and I love you too." People are not to be loved as one loves a cheeseburger. The Bible has one of the best descriptions of love that I know in 1 Corinthians 13:

1I may speak in the languages of humans and of angels. But if I don’t have love, I am a loud gong or a clashing cymbal. 2I may have the gift to speak what God has revealed, and I may understand all mysteries and have all knowledge. I may even have enough faith to move mountains. But if I don’t have love, I am nothing. 3I may even give away all that I have and give up my body to be burned.[a] But if I don’t have love, none of these things will help me. 4Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. 5It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. 6It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. 7Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, and never gives up. 8Love never comes to an end.

I've heard men say, "She should just know that I love her by the fact that I'm with her." Sorry guys--but we're women and we tend to be more emotional than you. Not only do we see the world through pink sunglasses, but we communicate in pink too. The blue idea of "I go to work every day to provide for her and that shows her I love her" doesn't actually make her feel loved. She may be appreciative of your efforts or feel provided for, but that doesn't mean she feels loved. Since each individual is so different, it is best to do a little research on your lady to find out what makes her feel most loved. Here's a clue: people tend to do for others what they hope others will do for them. Does she shower you with encouraging words and compliments? Then this is probably one of her primary love languages. We often tend to express love in the ways in which we prefer to be loved. This is the most natural way that we "show" love. People feel loved in different ways, however, so to make sure your spouse feels loved, you need to find out his/her preferred "love language." There are five main categories to these love languages:

  1. Quality Time
  2. Physical Touch
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Words of Affirmation
  5. Gifts

Example Scenario: Your main love language is Gifts, followed by Acts of Service. Your wife, however, values Words of Affirmation, followed by Quality Time. So you think you are loving her well when you bring home flowers and tell her that you fixed the car. She may barely notice, because you haven't told her that you love her in several days or spoken any positive words of encouragement to her. And to top it off, you've been so busy with a work project, that you haven't spent much time together. Does that football game you watched together count as quality time? If she doesn’t care for sports and the two of you didn't interact much, then that time "together" doesn't count as "quality time" in her book! Find out what makes her feel loved and go out of your way to make her feel loved according to her preference, not yours! A little love will go a long way.

Is Love Enough?

I want to mention that love is not the ONLY essential ingredient necessary for a successful relationship. Just as women need to be loved unconditionally, men need to be respected unconditionally. Although I've written this article focused on what men can do to better love their wives, I did at least want to mention this point: Our culture is very focused on how men can love women, but the need men have for unconditional respect is often overlooked. Women--if you are reading this--let me tell you that a man needs your respect the same way you need his love. Even when he doesn't deserve to be respected, show him respect. Don't you want to be loved even when you don't deserve to be loved?

Withholding your spouse's deepest needs will never motivate him or her to change. If both spouses are good-willed people, they don't wake up in the morning thinking about how they can hurt the other. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and assume that their desire is to do good, not to harm you. If you are unhappy with the manner in which your spouse acts towards you, the best place to start is to see if there are ways in which your spouse is unhappy with you.

We cannot change another person--but we can make a choice about the kind of person we want to become. If you've been trying the same thing over and over and over and over and over and it doesn't work--perhaps its time to try something different altogether. Don't wait for your spouse to change--let the change begin with you! You may be surprised at how the change in you elicits a change in your partner down the road! The mature one will make the first move! Is that you?

I hope you have found this article to be helpful. May your marriage prosper and may your love and respect for each other grow deeper with each year. Please feel free to leave any comments and remember to "vote up" if you liked the article. Thank you!

More by this Author

Comments 98 comments

banele 18 months ago

In my relationship i always the one who bring up arguements and trying to make my wife angry but i did love your hub yhooo and it will help me as man to improve my doings or change.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 2 years ago from Illinois Author

Ron, I agree with you about everything except for this article making men a "sissy." The idea is not for people to change each other, but to acknowledge how their spouse needs to be love. It is only a strong man that can step into the world of a woman and seek to understand her and step outside of what is "easy" to love her well. This is a two-way street--women also need to learn how to treat their men with respect and do things that may not come "naturally" to them in order to love their men well.

Ron 3 years ago

With this article you are making men sissy. You want us to change our ways to please hers. I was brought up on being a very polite man and put a women on a pedastool. But if she can't love you for who you are, instead of for who SHE WANTS YOU TO BE. Then it should never of been. I have never tried to change a women and never would. I would expect the same respect from her.

sera 3 years ago


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@Iquwa: Good! I'm so glad this helped you. My husband is in the process of writing a "his" view to talk about what men really want. I can't wait until the partner article is finished--then both husband and wife will have a resource to utilize. Thanks for your comment and best to you in your relationship! :-)

Iquwa 3 years ago

Awesome ! Thanks for helping ! Now I know why she is so upset with me!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@wowtgp: Yes! Awareness is important--but action is what makes the difference. :-) Thanks for reading!

wowtgp profile image

wowtgp 3 years ago from Delhi, India

These things are so basic, but difficult to implement a the same time.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@Stellar Phoenix Mac Data Recovery: Yay! So glad you posted--a long-time fan that I didn't even know about just made my day. :-) Thank you for that comment--when my schedule gets crazy busy it is comments like these that keep me finding time to post articles. That encouraged me a lot--thank you!!!

Stellar Phoenix Mac Data Recovery 3 years ago

Long time fan and this is my first time posting. As I said I don't post often so I just wanted to say; that your blog is hella discerning and I’m always looking forward to your new content.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@kellyteam: Thank you! And thank you for sharing this--I really desire that it becomes a tool that benefits others. I will stay awesome. And hopefully my Hubs will stay awesome too. :-)

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@ torrilynn: Thank you so much! I appreciate the vote up. I hope this benefits some relationships out there!!! :-)

torrilynn profile image

torrilynn 3 years ago

Hi SeekNFind,

Really nice hub here about

What women want in a relationship and

What some might even feel that they deserve. Thanks and voted up

kellyteam profile image

kellyteam 3 years ago from Michigan

Hi Seek n find. This is a very detailed, informative, well written hub. Not to mention how truthful it is. Men would do well to follow this advice. Enjoyed the read. I think I'll give it a share. Thumbs up to you. Stay awesome.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Tomy101: Thank you! Yes--that is such a good point. Knowing information does very little if it is not acted upon. In fact, to know what to do and not do it probably makes the inaction even worse. It is probably more of a challenge to keep this stuff going over time--it's important to keep a "Beginner's Mindset" and approach each day in the relationship with curiosity. This takes choice and effort--doesn't come naturally.

I'm so happy to hear that you feel God is using this article to invite you into the possibility of relationship! Thank you for sharing and I bless you with complete fulfillment of the plans He has for you. :-)

tomy101 profile image

tomy101 3 years ago from Midland, Texas

Wow, Your a great writer and very interesting information on women. I think most men know these things. The problem is , we don't practice it with our loved ones. It is an ongoing love that your article represents to your spouse or girlfriend and how to keep her. I am not in a relationship and have not been in years. This has made me want to start looking for that special someone. God is probably telling me something by reading this tonight..Thank You

dallas moffatt 3 years ago

well ...... i have just recently found love i am so exited love to me means a lot i may only be 13 but still know what's going on in the world

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Billy: Awesome! I love that idea. I want to check it out! :-)

Billie Kelpin profile image

Billie Kelpin 3 years ago from Newport Beach

Dear Seek, got to this hub from your series on relationships. So I think I can't be promotional here, BUT I wrote an android app for "the perfect husband" which has quotes every woman wants to hear. AND every MAN as well. I included things like Bruno Mars lyrics, "You're amazing just the way you are." "Don't worry, Hon, we'll tackle this together." "I appreciate all the hard work you do for our family." "I'm sorry. I was wrong." (I think that's a very hard one for most of must to actually speak out loud.) "Don't worry, Hon, I'll fix that today." Again, the door swings both ways - both husbands and wives yearn for encouragement, inspiration, appreciation, and hope. Cheers, Billie

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 3 years ago from Illinois Author

@RachMW: Thank you for your comment. Hmmm...You want to know a secret? It took my husband some time to "come around" and read this. He wants to love me well, but I think sometimes suggesting our men read articles or books makes them feel as if we are saying "You are failing and I don't respect you so you must be fixed."

I have to admit that the idea of unconditional respect is very new to me--just really started to grasp it in about the last two years. It's very hard to do--perhaps the same level difficulty as it is for them to love us when we are acting in unloving ways.

I truly believe any marriage can be saved and if its going to fail I would be the one who wants to go out fighting for love (and respect). The book Love and Respect is actually VERY good. There is a DVD series that's even better. It really helped my husband and I--a LOT! It might be worth checking out?

Also the movie "Fireproof" really demonstrates the power of one person making a choice to turn things around. If you haven't seen it I would recommend it--there is a devotional book that goes with it that is just like what the guy uses in the movie.

I will pray for you husband to learn to better express love and in the meantime, also encourage you to be strengthened to be the you who you want to be in relationship regardless. There is so much freedom in choosing from the inside out instead of reacting to the things and people around us.

You never know how little actions might turn into big changes and create a tipping point! Best to you...

RachMW profile image

RachMW 3 years ago from Nashville, NC

This was incredibly written and I personally agree with it 100%. Too bad I couldn't get my husband to read it and agree with it. I have been with my husband for 15yrs (including courtship) and at this point will be surprised if we make it another year. So many of the simple things get forgotten. I agree that I can only look within myself and make changes and perhaps show him respect even when it is not deserved because it is true, I want to feel loved even when it is not deserved (along with the other 9 things that are lacking). Very good hub!

Kasman profile image

Kasman 4 years ago from Bartlett, Tennessee

I haven't written about it yet, but I can tell you that it's something I would have to pray about intensely. I can also tell you that The Lord had me apologize to several of those ladies and beg their forgiveness. You'll know when I write it.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@Kasman: Thank you for your honest remarks. I'd love to hear about how God went about that process with you! Have you written about it? Young men need role models and to see what being a "man" really looks like! Our culture has a lot to say about who we should be. I'm hoping that people will continue to rise up and offer alternative views to the mainstream compromise that is out there.

I totally agree with what you said about 100/100--that's what we should aim for!

Thanks you for the comment and the vote! Best to you.

Kasman profile image

Kasman 4 years ago from Bartlett, Tennessee

I remember years ago when the Lord had to teach me how to honor women the way He wanted. The fact is I used to use women like crazy because I objectified them. It's just the culture we're brought up in naturally and I didn't know Him then.

Now, I believe it's 100/100 from both my wife and I. I'm to be the vessel that shows the love of Christ to my wife daily. She's to respect me, I'm to cherish and love her. period. Great hub. Voting up!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Jim Carlin: So sorry that finding such a woman is a rare experience. I hope more people--men and women alike--will understand the importance of what it takes to make a relationship work. It takes work on both parts--that's for sure. I thank you for your comment! :-)

jim carlin 4 years ago

finding women who are willing to work is rare

and those comitted to do whatever it takes even rarer

posting a list of what anyone wants is valid but what we are willing

to give is what keeps relationships together

service is our vocation-not a luxury

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Mellonayy: Thank you--yes, it can be hard to read/understand "women" as a general category, for each is quite different. As you said, mood can impact the way a woman responds in the same situation. Some days I have patience galore and other times I wonder where it went. Thanks for the comment and the vote! :-)

Mellonyy profile image

Mellonyy 4 years ago

Women are emotional creatures, and as such, it’s very hard to foresee them. At the same situations(but all depends on their moods at the moment)they would have (0-100) completely different opinions. Great hub, voted up!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ blogarpit: Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you think it is useful. :-)

blogarpit profile image

blogarpit 4 years ago from Mumbai

Very good hub, one of the useful advice Hubs of its kind....good work!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Neil: I'm sorry if that is the message you took away from reading this article--that is not at all my intention for writing. What kind of relationship would that be--the man doing all the work? Nope--I'm not in agreement with that either. Anybody who thinks a relationship is up to only one person is mistaken.

Perhaps you missed the part of my article where I wrote: "And finally, I want to say that this article is only one-half of a whole. Women are not excluded from having to work at a relationship to understand, respect, and love their husbands. I have asked my husband to write a Hub on "What Men Really Want..." I also invite anyone else reading this to write that next Hub, as well. The focus of this particular article, however, is on what men can do to improve their relationships."

Thanks for stopping by!

Neill Johnston 4 years ago

GOOD GAWD, HE, has to do ALL the work once again, to improve the relationship, with HER, and SHE, does NOTHING at ALL.

THAT, is a give ALL by HIM, and get NOTHING in return from HER.

IF, YOU want to be an extension of HER father go for it, because, THAT is what YOU are doing, being an extension of her FATHER.

NOT, for me, thank you MUCH. Once SHE, leaves home, it IS, expected of HER, to be an ADULT WOMAN, and NOT, daddy's LITTLE GIRL, in disguise of a woman.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Vespawolf: Thank you for your comment! I appreciate you reading and taking the time to respond. :-) Am I following you? I'm going to check on this now....

vespawoolf profile image

vespawoolf 4 years ago from Peru, South America

This is a well thought out hub. I like the scenarios you present and your suggestion to take a note card and jot down ideas to improve your relationship and follow through. Very nice! I think controversy is a sign of good writing...it means you've reached your readers. No wonder this is a popular hub!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Robert: Thanks! You know what's funny? When I went to follow you--I realized I was already following you! But I'd follow you a second time if I could. :-) Thank you for your comment on the Hub--I hope there's at least one tool in here you can utilize some day. Cheers~

Robert Erich profile image

Robert Erich 4 years ago from California

Great hub! I am glad that you wrote this quality article. I might have to follow you anyway - even if you are already following me. Well written and useful information. Maybe it'll help me out in the future.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@TH: Great comments! I don't see that as objections--just more good advice. Thanks for your input! :-)

tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 4 years ago from home


#1- crumbs on the floor

wife says look at the mess..

tom- what mess?

Wife those crumbs don't you ..she stops- see it?

Tom as a matter of fact i don't white crumbs on a white floor Ive got no hope of seeing it..

pickin on a blind guy how low can you go ...

she says as she hands me th towel not as low as you will...

i reply fine i will gladly clean it up as soon as you show me the crumbs - she points-----I clean it up and she redoes it where i missed..i think

2.To be appreciated. 3.To be heard. - all the same thing-Listen -hear and listen don't just hear-empathize with her and come up with a plan...

4.To be cherished. 5.To feel beautiful.7.To be honored. Same things here. honor cherish and feel beautiful-these are easy- Guys just pay attention treat her like you did before you were married or before you had kids-id rename those 3 make her feel wanted, needed and desired and if you do these three things ----

6.To feel secure is easy as long as you make your best effort to work hard to give your family what they need-take a part time job even if your employed or n some peoples case - if your disabled- do what you can TRY

8.To be encouraged.-dont say things can't be done because it might be inconvenient for you -

my wife wants to vacation with her sisters,cousins and mom- It will be tough for me that week but I said "go ahead" you deserve a break today...

9.To be celebrated.Tell her she is great - the very best ever because in my case she is despite the fact she brought me out of a coma-she hasn't used that against me yet.

10.To be loved.

Im sure you are talking about not just physical love because darn it I keep trying on that front- in fact if I don't ask aboutsex for a few days she asks if Im feeling ok....I know you mean more than sex-love-

1.Quality Time

2.Physical Touch

3.Acts of Service

4.Words of Affirmation


I tell you the 5 you listed are all involved in respecting your significant other and showing her you love her and telling her that...

Other note-

I find it crass and repulsive that people read your hubb and focus only on the reference to God give me a break are so many people afraid of religeon and Go


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Sock Puppet...Each couple has to find what works best for them...so if that works...then I guess you're doing Ok!

profile image

Sock Puppets rule 5 years ago

10 Things That Women Want:

To feel understood. In response to your example Say: "Oh.. Im sorry.. did I do that?" Responding again... "Am I still your favorite Mess Maker?" Think to self: Mark the calendar... she is getting testy these days...

To be appreciated... "Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To be heard. Learn the phrases "Unh hunh???" "Really?" "But what about..." "Did she Really or..." If you practice them enough, you can even say them in your sleep!!!

To be cherished. "Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To feel beautiful."Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To feel secure. "Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To be honored. "Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To be encouraged."Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To be celebrated."Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

To be loved. "Ohh Honey... you know I love you..."

Yep... that about settles it... How well did I do??? :-)

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@verbalvomit: Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I totally agree that women need to take the time and effort to understand men, as well. I also agree that many men care and they try to show it (great examples that you gave, by the way) but so often, the women don't "feel" cared for because their expectations of what being "take care of" can be different from the men's: thus, the need for lots of communication! It's important for both parties to adapt to what the other needs and be intentional to show the other they care by showing them in ways that mean the most, while at the same time, making an effort to recognize and appreciate what the other does in their own, unique style of caring. Great comments--thanks and welcome to Hub Pages!!!

verbalvomit profile image

verbalvomit 5 years ago

Great hub. Just new to the hubpages. I think it's important for women also to understand that when men act in these ways it does not signal that he does not care - but that men are different in their interactions than women are.. Men show they care in various less explicit ways - may not be verbal or through gifts - but fixing the cupboard that you said last week was really bugging you, to starting your car before he leaves for work so it's warm for you, telling you he hates that you work in a stressful job with the danger of getting hurt (translation: I care so much about you and if your job puts you at risk of getting hurt, I can't 'happily' support that). Men and women are different in relationships - to make a relationship work it is important to understand the differences and how to adapt to each.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ alocsin: Thank you!!! Appreciate your comment and glad you liked it. :-)

alocsin profile image

alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

It's nice to hear a woman explain something of the things we men are clueless about. Voting this Up and Useful.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

ShawnB retorted:

"Really don't get how ordinary, otherwise logical, smart and sane people can believe in such evident fairy-tale books and preachings.


It is because I am smart, educated, logical, faithful and sane that I believe in God's existence and in His Word. Conversely, "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, their deeds are vile...." Psalm 14:1

Now, I have spent a great deal of time trying to understand how seemingly intelligent, sane, and logical people can endorse atheism or macro-evolution and accept this utter nonsense with enthusiasm and open arms taking into consideration a mountain of evidence to the contrary and a paucity of evidence in their favor.

It is because of this, and other things, that I have come to the conclusion that even though everyone may be entitled to their opinion, not every opinion is of the same quality. :0)

I have heard it said that the atheist has as much interest in finding God as the theif has in finding a police officer. Creative avoidance does not change reality any more than pandering to delusion or denial.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ShawnB2011: Your statement is way off from what I believe to be "real" but again, each person is entitled to their own opinion/beliefs. I choose not to respond to the personal attacks--I could write more based on my understanding of my beliefs and the fallacies and assumptions you likely believe, based on such conclusions as you stated above--but seeing as how you seem quite content with your full understanding of God, what is real or not real, and how relationships ought to be, there is no need--seems you've figured everything out! So I will just say thanks for reading, for participating in discussion, and may you find the fullness of goodness and truth through your journey of life.

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Sorry but not God or anyone else but me makes choices and that goes for you too. People make choices, not some magical spirit. Really don't get how ordinary, otherwise logical, smart and sane people can believe in such evident fairy-tale books and preachings. Are you that so insecure and scared about life that you need to believe in some character out of a book to get by in life? Open your minds and question the book and be realistic in what it says. Talking snakes and parting seas? Seriously? Get real. That's all I gotta say. My last posts in here. Take care.

thesingernurse profile image

thesingernurse 5 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

Aw... thanks for this hub. You made me realize that I am loving the right man. :)

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

ShawnB quipped:

"No offense to the Bible thumpers but may I ask why this topic is getting all religious?"


Well, Shawn, the very premise of marriage is religious by nature, that's why it's called "Holy Matrimony". In fact, most marriages are conducted in a church by a minister of one sort or another again affirming the religious precedent.


Seek-n-Find said:

"He is also the greatest advisor and counselor in the universe and He will assist in match-making if you request and that's exactly what He did for me."


I will agreed that the Almighty and His Son are the most amazing Friends, Counselors and Advisors in the entire universe and beyond. :0)

Having said that, and from where I'm sitting right now, the Almighty assisting a person with mate-selection seems to violate the tenets of personal choice and free will. I could be wrong, but (IF) the Almighty took an active role in mate-selection from time to time, it would seem to be the exception to an otherwise Devine rule.

If the Almighty and His Son, our Lord, assisted us in every decision we asked Them to, then who's to blame if that decision turned out to be misguided? I can tell you without reservation that I've asked the Almighty and His Son to assist me in making many decisions in the past and I'll continue to do so, but I have made my share of mistakes along the way and I know that They are incapable of such misgivings and would never lead me astray. So, who's to blame? I look no further than me, myself, and I.

Now, either I couldn't hear Them answer me or They felt They had already assisted me enough through the Word of God and through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and the decision was thusly mine to make. Perhaps They consider decision-making as an opportunity for personal growth?

I tend to think that if the Almighty and His Son made our decisions for us or at least assisted in our decision making processes beyond that of Biblical knowledge, answered prayer, personal revelation, or through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we would be incapable of: learning from our mistakes; living by faith; and fully appreciating the gift of grace through forgiveness.

I am not saying that the LORD didn't assist you in selecting your mate and I am definitely not saying that the Almighty and His Son do not answer prayers or provide guidance, but what I am saying is that I think Christians tend to put too much responsibility on the Almighty to make wise decisions for them or blame the devil when they fall into temptation or sin. In both cases they tend to divert responsibility elsewhere instead of claiming accountability and assuming personal responsibility.

Yes, the Almighty and His Son are directly or indirectly responsible for all good things that happen in our lives, but let us not forget that life is a test and that Our Creator wants to see what kind of lessons we have learned and what kind of decisions we have made with the knowledge and gifts we have been given. I hope that makes sense.

So, when things go right...Praise God!!! And when things go south...Praise God for His grace, mercy, faithfulness and forgiveness!!!

Best wishes to you and yours - L.R.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Lone Ranger: Thanks for your comment. :-) I actually think I mostly agree with the idea of people being able to choose and there is not necessarily that "one" set aside for you (except in special circumstances as you mentioned). God does allow us to choose and I agree, is watching to see what we choose, but at the same time He is also the greatest advisor and counselor in the universe and He will assist in match-making if you request and that's exactly what He did for me. I was tired of trying to "make life happen" on my own terms. I asked Him to send me the best choice for a husband and make it clear that it was a good match. And that's what happened for me! (the nutshell version of a very detailed story which I may some day make a Hub about--it's actually very cool how my husband and I met and the process we went through and even our wedding--God was active in all parts of our process). Merry Christmas!!!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ ShawnB2011: If you mean no offense, then I suggest not using the word "Bible thumpers" because saying you mean no offense and then using that term seems a contradiction. Just sayin. Your second statement reveals that you've made an incorrect assumption--it was never mentioned, suggested, or even inferred that those who disbelieve in God should not/could not find a lifelong mate. It's kind of like saying you can't have an apple because you never saw an orange--category mistake. Third, perhaps not everything you or others do in life is because of God or whatever, but there are some (including myself) that live in such a way that there is no such thing as separation between "God" and "life." You may feel it is another to topic, but Lone Ranger and I feel otherwise. It's kind of like if I wrote an article on watches and ended up taking about the watch maker--or if a conversation started out discussing the function of the eyes and then evolved to discussing the purpose of the eyes from the creator of the eyes perspective. The topic, to some, is not a whole other topic but fits in perfectly here. This way of thinking exposes yet another misunderstanding. To those that have "religion" as a little thing they do on the side once in a while may be able to keep in separate from everything else. It's like you have a closet and have a tiny, little place just for your special ties and pull them out when the occasion calls for it. But those that are in genuine relationship with God live in a reality where He is everywhere and is involved in everything. It's like He's the oxygen that gives life to everything and even when I don't see Him, I know He's there. It's like He's the water that refreshes and the food that nourishes. He's like the brother that protects and that best friend that is loyal. And ultimately, He is like the faithful husband that loves His wife (the "church" as in the people, not a building). He created me--He created relationships--He created marriage for His purposes. So to say He doesn't belong is like throwing a birthday party for somebody and saying they are uninvited and saying that the cake is the only thing people can talk about. Thanks for asking! :-)

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

No offense to the Bible thumpers but may I ask why this topic is getting all religious? Even those that down right disbelieve in God find life long mates. Not everything you do in life is because of God or whatever but

That's a whole other topic not meant for here. :)

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

Seek-n-Find graciously said:

"I will pray that God brings the woman that He knows is best for you--to love you and to help you grow in love."


Thank you, my dear, that is a wonderful sentiment and prayer. I, however, do not consider myself in the "market" for a relationship right now and if my soul-mate and spiritual "twin" existed, the Almighty has not sent her my way nor has He given me hope that there is such a fine creature waiting for me.

I could be wrong, but I do not presently subscribe to the romanticized theory that God sends your mate to you or arranges a first date. I do not think the Almighty or His Son are in the business of "match making" except in exceptional cases such as Isaac's.

Moreover, I think choosing a mate is just one of ten thousand tests that humans need to negotiate on their own and the Almighty and His Son are watching each and every decision we make with the utmost interest. The choices we make in life, including the selection of a mate, should be considered acts of faith and obedience as well as gifts of gratitude to Our Heavenly Father and Son.

Warm wishes to you and yours - L.R.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

Seek-n-Find asked:

"Lone Ranger: That's a great woman you've described! :-) Are you willing to be a man of this regard for her?"


I would never ask anyone to give me something that I could not deliver. I would never ask anyone to do something that I was not willing to do myself. The reason I would ask this from a potential mate is because I am willing and able to deliver and it would be my pleasure to do so.

If I were in the "market" I would be looking for a woman that could match my abilities or at least come close, otherwise the relationship would be unequally yoked.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Lone Ranger: That's a great woman you've described! :-) Are you willing to be a man of this regard for her? Here's something interesting I've found in marriage. I had a pretty strict list in terms of the man that I would marry--in terms of his character, love for God and others, etc. And I married an amazing man! But I also see God's wisdom in who he chose for my spouse because he is not perfect. And when I love him in his imperfections, I am loving him with the unconditional love of God. As I love him, even when he does not "deserve" it, I find that it is love that is the agent of his growth and transformation. Because my husband and I can't always live up to the expectation of "flawless, perfect spouse" we get to experience grace, mercy, forgiveness, selflessness, and we grow leaps and bounds. Marriage is so much about sanctification and giving. Before we were married, God impressed this phrase upon my mind: "You are two sandpaper statues, dancing through life together, making each other smooth." Our rough edges rub up against each other and yes, it is uncomfortable and there are sparks, but we are both made better people because of it. We are in the "smoothing" process for life! And we sometimes can't hear the music and sometimes step on each other's toes--but when we find that moment of the grace of being in sync with one another, and floating on air in each other's arms--it' worth all the effort it took to learn how to become dance partners. I will pray that God brings the woman that He knows is best for you--to love you and to help you grow in love. Merry Christmas!

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

Having said all that, If I found a woman who was modest, honorable, moral, decent, kind, faithful, loyal, gracious, wise, soft-spoken, feminine, grateful, thankful, prayerful, conscientious, trustworthy, loving, affectionate and one who shunned evil and practiced restraint in conjunction with having a love for children and head-over-heels in love with me, but loved the Almighty and His Son above all....it would be, not only my ambition and disire to exceed everything on your list by a factor of 10, but I would consider it the easiest thing I've ever done and pleasing her would be my pleasure and favorite leisure activity!!!

Best wishes to you and yours. - L.R.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Lone Ranger: We won't ever be getting all needs fulfilled from spouses or any other human relationship--we are all flawed in one way or another and it is not good for people to depend on getting happiness from another--I agree. Personal responsibility is important--we get to decide what we will think, feel, and how we will act. We can freely give to others when we have freely received from the One who will always be able to outgive us. :-) Merry Christmas.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

It would be great if both men and women were able to get everything they wanted and needed from their spouse, but that would undermine the tenets of personal responsibility thus placing the onus of one's happiness and fulfillment upon another.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Dedmoroz: Thank you!!! I'm so glad it helped--that's why I wrote it. Not all my readers found it helpful--but even if it helps just one person--that's worth the effort, to me! :-)

profile image

Dedmoroz 5 years ago

Dear Seek'n'find,

A terrific hub! Thank you for providing a situation and examples - I found this hub very helpful

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@Lonestar: I appreciate that you desire for men to be treated well by women. I do agree in a "golden rule" of sorts: I believe men and women should be treated fairly, but not equal. By that I mean that there are certain needs that are more specific to men and other needs that are more specific to women so each must find what it is that their spouse values and love them through those means. Although I am sure that there are women out there that fit the description that you have described, I still must say that I do not believe it is fair to generalize all or even most women as behaving in such a way. You may not mean so, but it is offensive. I know many women that are nothing like the women that you describe. I am curious to know what makes you an expert in the subject. I would like to take this conversation as an opportunity to apologize to you on behalf of the women that have acted in such way. That is unloving and not okay. I know there are also many men who have treated women very badly. I could read articles and watch shows and take life experiences and conclude that men are all "such and such" a kind of way--but that would be wholly unfair, in my opinion. I agree that society has in many ways created false images of what it means to be a "woman" but false identity goes across the board from the way in which the elderly are mistreated to the ways that many children are raised. The problems of our day are not specific to "women" but moreover is a problem of humanity. You claim to believe in God, so I'm sure you are familiar with the effects of the curse of sin. This curse affected all humankind--not just women. Even creation and animals were affected by the curse. But what most people do not realize, even within the church, is that what Jesus did broke the power of the curse of sin. There is a way to partner with God to live under the blessings and freedom of Christ instead of under the curse of sin and the law. We are not fighting the flesh in hopes of obtaining victory--for victory has already been obtained through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We are partnering with God in the battle FROM a place of victory. God has created reconciliation between humankind and Himself and has therefore also created a way of restoration between man and woman, as well. God created the institution of marriage. He created Adam and Eve and said that it was "very good." Though sin broke apart this "very good" relationship and Adam and Eve and their offspring were under the Curse, Jesus restored this relationship back to "very good." When people get a hold of this revelation, it shifts their reality. Does that mean marriage is easy? No! Relationships are work. Marriage is meant to be more for sanctification than for personal satisfaction--but oh, how satisfying is the fruit of two who are stripped of selfishness and pride and who learn what it means to love unconditionally, demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit. There is true freedom in such a kind of love. God cares about the restoration of marriages and of the sacredness of this Divine mystery. God has not given up on women--He has not given up on men--and He has not given up on marriage! Thanks again for your comments.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

Dear SNF:

You are a talented writer and I deeply appreciate your motives and intentions. Even more than that, I appreciate your spiritual convictions and belief in Christ our Lord.

Please understand that some would consider me an authority on this subject, but it doesn't take an authority to understand many of the challenges between the sexes. These challenges have been around since Adam and Eve and they will continue to plague us as long as men and women draw breath.

Indeed there are men who are manly, intelligent, committed, romantic, and exceptionally conscientious. I have also heard rumors that there are women who are not narcissistic, self-centered, manipulative, fickle, irrational, hyper-emotional, dramatic, and bi-polar, but unless science or the church can deliver a living specimen who has successfully demonstrated a firm desire and commitment to violate social norms, her genetic code, and betray "the sisterhood" - I must remain sceptical. :0)

I don't know, perhaps you are the one. I can tell you that my paternal grandmother was about as close to the "real deal" as one can get, but as they say, "All the good women are either dead or dying."

I would also like you to consider the phenomenon of starter marriages. Yes, it would seem that daddy's little princess does not keep up her end of the bargain any more than she keeps her marital oaths. Is this indictment against all womankind? No, only 90% of them.

More and more women are preying upon men and entering into marital relationships with these men, but are treating them as "starter husbands", whereas these brides work out all their little kinks, while here starry-eyed groom acts as her ATM machine and punching bag. These brides then take the knowledge they have learned from putting these men through hell into their subsequent marriages and have thus used these men and holy matrimony as a mere stepping stone.

In addition, I would like you to consider the article Helen Tien wrote in Oprah Magazine entitled "She's Happily Married, Dreaming of Divorce." Basically this marriage Nazi, advised women that even if they are happily married, they should at least consider getting divorced because it is altogether possible that they could become even happier with another man, at least while they still have the prospects of beauty and youth on their side. So are women, "Sweet as spice and everything nice"...not of your life!!!

Honestly, I don't know why a man would consider marriage in this day and age. Marriage is just too risky and men stand to lose too much. Outside of a couple of inspired souls, you apparently being one of them, women are too selfish and too unstable to enter into meaningful relationships.

Even if a man thinks he knows a woman, there is just nothing keeping her in line and committed to their relationship. There is an ancient saying that still holds true, "Men marry women hoping they won't change and women marry men hoping they will and in the end they are both disappointed".

Unfortunately, the courts, societal constraints, societal norms, social trends and women's suffrage have conspired against men, marriage, family, children, decency and morality. Until balance is restored and women are put back in their rightful place and are re-educated into being femanine and family-oriented, our society will continue its downward spiral into perdition...and the rest of the world will follow suit.

I really am glad to hear that you want to be part of the solution, but please encourage your female readers to live by the golden rule and golden mean and not to expect to receive more than they give.

Best wishes - L.R.

Smokes Angel profile image

Smokes Angel 5 years ago from Broke Alabama

agree with you Seek n Find. Men shouldn't become feminine just try harder to communicate.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Lone Ranger: You make some good points. Most women do have more words than men. But there are many that appreciate "to the point" communication as well (including myself). Women and men are indeed different. I don't suggest that men become like women--I am advocating that men in relationships who want to better love their wives study what a woman is like and learn how to best respond to her needs and love her. I am not advocating that a man support selfishness or indulge egotistical "princess" complexes. While there are some women that are fickle in the way that you suggest, again, there are many who are not. I dress up for my husband--not for other women. I make choices based on what is best for my marriage--not on what my friends are doing. I am not emotionally weak--I am a female with strong emotions. Yes, I have to put forth effort to rightly control my emotions to ensure that they do not lead and make the decisions. This takes understanding myself and training myself. All humans, both men and women, can benefit from understanding who they are--their strengths and weaknesses--and how to communicate effectively with one another. I am simply stating that relationships take intentionality--they take effort on both parts (I only wrote from a woman's perspective, as I'd mentioned in the article, but of course there are specific things women need to do to learn to better love and respond to their husbands). I am passionate about healthy relationships and happy marriages. That is why I wrote this article. I would like to do all I can to decrease the divorce rate. Divorce likely occurs not because "women are fickle" and "too hard to please" but because there are wrong assumptions on both parts, misunderstandings between both parties, hurt feelings, frustrations, and a lack of commitment. If a husband and wife are serious about the commitment of loving one another, I believe they will take the time to understand how to selflessly give of each other to one another. The husband makes sacrifices--the wife makes sacrifices. They are both prepared to forgive. They are both inclined to try to understand what is important to one another and express love to one another in the way that best loves their spouse. Love is not self-serving--love is about giving to the other. Marriage likely fails because one or both partners are too wounded, and unwilling or ill-equipped to deal with their wounds, or they are immature, selfish, or uncommitted. I teach classes on healthy relationships, etc. and I can tell you that those who are serious about loving their spouse are willing to learn how to resolve their issues, forgive, and learn to love each other. Again, just because people keep misunderstanding my intent, let me say that I do not wish for men to become like women. I am simply stating that there are ways that they can respond to their wives in ways that are kind, loving, and understanding. If the definition of a man must exclude such things, then this is just another problem that must be dealt with. Thank you for your comment!

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

I know I spent a little time on the communication differences between the sexes in the above post, but overall I find women far too needy and far too high maintenance. Almost every woman I have ever known considers it another's responsibility to make them happy, etc.

I guess it's no surprise that 60% of all marriages fail, while wives file for anywhere between 75-91% of all divorces (depending on which studies one endorses) and I thought they were supposed to be the "relationship oriented" one.

Moreover, another study concluded that after 10 years of marriage, only 10% of the married couples polled considered themselves to be happily married.

My take on this issue is that both parties need to pull their weight in the relationship, but too much emotional baggage is heaped on men and too much blame.

Women are fickle. That is not a sexist rant - it's the truth! I've read some recent studies that found that if a woman has friends that are getting married - she is likely to want to get married. If a woman has friends that are having babies - she is more apt to want babies herself. And, in the same likeness, if a woman has friends who are getting divorced - she is likely to get divorced herself. But, if she lives in an area where divorce is not widely accepted, she is more apt to stay in her marriage. How, praytell, can men contend with all this?

Now, I ask you, what man can keep up with all that drama? Is it that women cannot think for themselves or are they too reliant on social networks or even possibly too weak emotionally and psychologically to buck the trends set by other women? The old saying is that "women dress down for men, but dress up for other women." It is my opinion that a man does not just marry his bride - in many cases he marries one who is slave to fashion and trends.

Men have been having to deal with these kinds of issues from day one, but now, with the advent of "No Fault" divorces, daddy's little princess can just walk away from her responsibilities, problems, and marriage and jump into the arms of another with the full support, backing, and blessing of the State. Wonder why the marriage rate is at an all-time low?

Best wishes - L.R.

Lone Ranger 5 years ago

During the Council of Macon, in Lyons, France, in the year 584 A.D., the Catholic Church took the liberty of investigating the question of whether or not women were human.

It seems that 1,500 years ago, men considered the cognitions of women and their general antics to be, not only strange, but infinately unstable and impossible to please. After much deliberation the vote came down 32-31 in favor of the premise that women were human beings.

Having said that, one can be sure that a substantial number of men (in this day and age) would like a re-count! :0)

Part of the problem between the sexes is that the average woman speaks 25,000 words per day, which is over 2.5 times more than the average man. With so many words spoken, it is hard to keep up with it all and a man must constantly filter out the information that he thinks is important from those issues or statements that he thinks is less important. Men are constantly prioritizing messages and information so naturally some things are ignored in order to free up valuable space.

You see, women often go shopping for the love of it. In fact, many women consider shopping a leisure activity. Men, on the other hand, usually go shopping against their will, but if they have to, they generally carry a list so their shopping excursion is short, sweet and to the point.

Men generally treat interpersonal communications the same way...short, sweet, and to the point, while women consider it, not only as a sport, but as a bona fide bonding opportunity. Two types of human beings, with two completely different perspectives. Does that make women right and men wrong? No, it means a man is not wired for all the emotional baggage that most women carry and she is not wired to be as task oriented as he is. Men are not women and women are not men, although the Amish have stated, "America is the land where they try to make girls into men."

So, one of the many challenges a man must face is deciding what to listen to and what to ignore, because a man just cannot possibly listen to it all and take it all in. The deluge of words that spews forth from the average woman's mouth is like a flash flood; the ground just cannot take in all the excess water anymore than her man's ears can take in her excessive verbage and the result is that her flood of words run in one ear and right out the other.

Best wishes - L.R.

Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 5 years ago from HubPages, FB

I re-read it, awesome. Thanks.

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Calico Stark: Thanks so much for the comment! I appreciate your feedback. :-)

@ Jinny: Thank you sis. :-) I appreciate your comments and I appreciate you! You are in my prayers--I want to hear all about next steps for you. Love ya!

profile image

JinnyMarte 5 years ago

Jenna this is obviously an awesome hub! The subject is treated with direct response to real life issues. Obviously it creates a wide range of controversy by the amount and length of the comments. Sometimes people need to understand that this is a suggestion and a great teaching. Many may have a different point of view but we all are encouraged to read, absorb and use what works for us and store what doesn't. Tia is not a sexist hub but it is by all means an eye opening hub, directed to explain how women may feel at a certain point during the time in a relationship. It's not pointing out anything other than subjects that may help many even if some do not agree. This was wonderfully written and you have all my support sis! Keep 'em coming!!

Love you...

calico Stark profile image

calico Stark 5 years ago from Earth for the time being

@ShawnB2011 I appreciate your honesty but the truth of the matter is one day your girlfriend may become bored with a one dimensional relationship. There are breakups daily based on the fact that the other feels unappreciated, alone,unheard and misunderstood. I think the basic question here is, "Do you care enough about the relationship to go the extra mile, read an article like this and apply it?" Apparently, you feel it is too taxing and creates inferiority in a man. While others may think it wise and use it to their advantage. The advantage being a man who satisfies the womans needs and in return will respect the one who cherishes her. Love gets respect baby! Love gets respect! Great article Seek and great discussion!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@lifegate: Thanks for the comment! Appreciate it. :-)

lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA


Well, I guess my excuses have been eliminated. Thanks.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 5 years ago from Valencia

You're so very welcome! I'm reading your "What is wrong with you all?" Hub.

Everyone! It's so refreshing to read his awesome Hub! Just a hint....

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Thank you Escobana!! Finally, some back up here! lol!

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Seek- The only problem with that statement " You don't have to understand them to respond to them" is that you all want a female like response from your men. When we respond like a guy responds, it's wrong. So that's why I am saying that you all want female responses from us guys. If we can't understand therefore we cannot respond. How about instead of trying to have us conform to your womanly ways, you all just accept the fact that a man's brain does not work the way you want it to like that? Once that is understood, things would be much easier on everybody. Just sayin... :)

Escobana profile image

Escobana 5 years ago from Valencia

I completely LOVE the point of view ShawnB2011 is expressing here!!! I tried to write a comment in the same way, though less bold...LOL.

My hub 'Sweetheart? What about bigger boobs?' is a must read for this discussion to go on for a while.

"When reading Hubs on advice for men, tips on dating and how to have that perfect relationship, I can't help thinking: "Are we serious? Do we women want to give men the impression, we're these sensitive souls, we explode whenever we 'have the right to' and when we act as immature as they do....IT'S DIFFERENT?"

ShawnB is a lucky guy indeed for having found this down to earth girlfriend! And your girlfriend is one hell of lucky woman as well.

Glad you joined in on this interesting discussion! Now I have to take a look at your profile!

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Well, that's exactly it.... you all have TOO MANY needs! Just keep it simple, why is it that hard for you all? If a guy is still with you for who knows how long, why must he constantly have to stroke your inability to feel secure issues? By then, you should just feel secure about the relationship. See, simple. Stuff like that, that's a bit annoying for us. lol

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Shawn--one last thought. I don't expect men to think like women--that's why I said "You don't have to understand them to respond to them." It's a simple tool called "Emotional Responding." You know when women get emotional and the more you try to help, the more upset they get? This is when to use this tool. This will help them feel understood. It's not that you think like a woman--you just respond to THEIR emotion. That's the point I'm trying to make. Oh, late for work. Gotta go!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

I have to go to work and don't have time to respond as I'd like to right now--but I can see that at the very least--this is a topic that many feel passionate about! :-)

@ ShawnB2011--let me know when you write your Hub. Maybe I'll even link it to my Hub so people can get the other perspective. I'm curious to see people's responses.

@ Smokes Angel: working together--yes--that's a good idea. :-)

@ Jen: Thanks for your comment. Haha. I realized that I may have written too long a Hub with too many details. I'm not used to writing for men. :-)

@ eliserenee: I understand--I find myself on both sides of the table! We all can find ways to better love our partners--whatever that looks like for each!

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

I am not saying that all, some I agree with, some I don't. I agree that making his women feel beautiful is essential and letting her know that she is wanted is critical for both men and women but I suppose that you all expect us MEN to think like Women emotionally. We are completely different species and is impossible to be on the same wavelength in that aspect and seems as though I am seeing women more and more expecting their man to act like a chick emotionally which is why I went off about this subject. lol

Smokes Angel profile image

Smokes Angel 5 years ago from Broke Alabama

Hey Shawn maybe you ought to try being a real man and man up and try some of these things. You'd be really surprised at the outcome. Us women are sick of being expected to bow down every time a man wants us too. We have needs too. Not just sex like you guys.

God made man and women to be partners and work together, sometimes that means the man has to give a little too.

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Yes, but you have to admit woman's emotions shine through very often and being sensitive to all of them de-mans a man over time thus inadvertently creating a girly man. Like I said in one of my hubs, women need to stop expecting their men to act like a women. If you all want or expect female responses to things, become lesbian or find a gay friend. Otherwise, let us be the men that we are and be accepting of that or you don't and find a girlfriend instead. :) Yup, I think I just might have to make a hub about this. lol

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ShawnB2011: One more thing, I have a question of clarification: Are you saying that you don't think women should be treated with these ten principles in mind? Thanks for clarifying!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ShawnB2011: Each is entitled to their own opinion! If you and your girlfriend are happy and this article does not apply to you--that's great! I'm glad to hear that you are in such a great relationship. Like I said, this article is not for all women and does not apply to all relationships. I suppose that I can take your comment into consideration that the point I meant to articulate was not clearly understood. I don't want to encourage "girly" men and yes men have a fierceness and the thing that makes them...MEN! I don't want to take away from that. But there is also the fact that what it means to "be a man" is quite cultural, as well. Men can learn how to be sensitive and respond to emotions--that doesn't make them less manly. Let me know if you end up creating a Hub on the topic--I'd love to read it! Thanks for stopping by.

profile image

jenubouka 5 years ago

These are some great ideas, although to get these in front of a man that would require him to read something....

I am kidding. Great stuff seeknfind.

ShawnB2011 profile image

ShawnB2011 5 years ago from Arizona

Coming from a guy, you women expect female like responses and female like attention but from us males. We are guys, we don't think or get emotional like women do. Women MUST accept that. The more women insist on men becoming more and more feminine the more men turn gay and then the human population dwindles to nothing I swear! lol. You made some good points such as we should still open doors and be a gentleman and stuff but let's be real, real men do not think about the emotional stuff that you women do, your feminine men that you women want so badly might, but a guys guy just doesn't have that kind of DNA to keep up with all that stuff on the list. Female expectations are seemingly getting out of control now a days. What happened to just knowing that he loves ya because he DOES show it by working hard and being a provider for you? You ask whatever happened to the good ol days of chivalry? Well for most that went out the window at the same time that women became snobby and unappreciative of their men. Goes both ways :)

I don't expect my girlfriend to do a thing, I know she loves me because of all the men she could have chosen, she chooses to be with me. That's all I need to be comfy in my relationship. She knows that I love her because I am with her and nobody else, she's good with that and we are happy. Maybe I got lucky but she really doesn't have all the girly demands and expectations as mentioned above which is SO NICE!! WHEW!! Why can't women just be that accepting and be happy with that? I don't have conditions that she must abide by and vice verse. JUST BE HAPPY! It's not the mans fault that the women you describe have major insecurities that apparently you all want us to fix lol.... because really, that's what it's all about isn't it? lol. Daddy issues or princess complex? Sorry to break it to ya, but we are not your therapist and we sure's hell not carrying swords around either. Just saying, stop with the top 10, 20, 30 lists and just get over yourselves and just be happy with who your with. That's it, just be happy.If he treats you good, having fun and all is good then why all the trivial, stupid complicated crap that you all KNOW we cannot adhere too? Sweating the trivial stuff only makes it worse on yourselves which then complicates the entire relationship. Once women get their heads outta the clouds and stop pretending you're in a fairy tail book the more chances that the 50% divorce rate will decrease lol! Less demands = less stress = happy relationships. It really is that simple folks. lol! Cheers!

eliserenee profile image

eliserenee 5 years ago from Chicago

I found a lot in this Hub to be true. In my marriage however, I seem to be more of the guy role. I'm the one who leaves crumbs everywhere, etc. Haha. I can learn some things from this as well. Thanks for posting!!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@Sunken Treasure: Beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

@ JenJen: Thanks for the comment! That book really helped me understand why he wasn't feeling loved by all I was doing and vice versa. So many good books out there!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Escobana: Thanks for commenting. I hope I didn't present the message that things are always her fault or his--when it comes to relationships--it's both! I tried to express that this article is a tool--and that it certainly doesn't cover every aspect of what a healthy relationship should look like. I tried to find ten basic things that I thought would be universal needs/desires of most women--things that men may not realize are important to women. The list could have been much longer than ten (including some of what you suggested--humor, etc.) but that would be too long an article! It also wasn't meant to be a list of "rules to follow." I am of the mindset that relationships are hard work and men and women are very different from each other and in each relationship, partners have to learn each other and how to love one another and relate well. I agree that manipulation is something that many women utilize and I do not agree with manipulation. I chose somewhat exaggerated examples because they make a clear point. Although many of the things that women seem to get upset over can "seem" silly. Of course there are roots beneath these things--it's not really about the crumbs on the floor in most cases--its about the belief that was triggered in her by the experience. Again, that is another topic/another article. I for sure agree that this list should be applied to women, as well! In fact, I asked my husband if he would write a Hub on what men really want. I'm a proponent of mutual respect in relationships--both men and women doing their part. I'm glad you are writing hubs on the topic as well, for I know that this one, small hub is by no means exhaustive. Thanks for the vote up!

Escobana profile image

Escobana 5 years ago from Valencia

Euuhmm....Maybe it´s just me. I feel your Hub means well. More than enough tools to turn men into very sweet, sensitive, attentive and loving partners.

The thing is...If this is what a woman really wants, they all might want someone who follows them around, takes a bow when they should and apologize when they shouldn´t, because it was ´her´ fault.

I wrote an interesting Hub about all of these Hubs about what women REALLY want, this time coming up for all these men who seem to have to follow strict rules in order to make their partner happy.

Though I like your list of 10 things women REALLY want, some of your examples are too much for me. Something like self knowledge, self mockery and humor seems to be lacking completely in your advice.

I´m trying to say that most women, the same women you try to describe, have a certain way of manipulating their loved one. All women do so because we´re good at it. Meaning we have a whole lot of self responsibility in making a relationship difficult on a man.

Yet, I feel you mean well, though the same list of ten should be applied on their partners:-)

Voted up and interesting!

sunkentreasure profile image

sunkentreasure 5 years ago from RUIMSIG, SOUTH AFRICA


Make your love one feel special everyday.

Do not allow your lives to become routine -

prepare lots of different activities to enjoy.

Never take your loved one for granted.

Keep your love forever precious,

sacred and beautiful.

What you put into your love

is what you will get out of your love.

Enrich your lives with prayer.

Always be your partners best friend.

© Bernard Levine

JenJen0703 profile image

JenJen0703 5 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A.

5 Love Languages is an awesome book! You write an excellent summary of it...good work!

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@susan54: Thank you! You make me laugh. :-) I will be sure to check out your work.

@iamageniuster: Thank you for your comments. I hope this article serves as a very practical way to enhance your relationship!

@SylviaSky: Thank you so much! I'm so glad to hear that. When I take my day off to write a Hub, I always hope its worth it in the end. :-) My gentleman is already working on many of these. We've been married just over a year, so we are still learning as we go. Knowing is one thing--it is the practicing of what we know that is most important (and the more difficult part!) Thanks for your comment!

SylviaSky profile image

SylviaSky 5 years ago from USA

I vote this up. One of the most comprehensive advice Hubs of its kind. I hope your gentleman takes at least some of this good advice.

iamageniuster profile image

iamageniuster 5 years ago

So true, so true. I got to start doing these things.

susan54 profile image

susan54 5 years ago

Seek-n-Find, Very good hub, VOTE UP! I love it I have been with my hubby for over 30 years. We had ups and downs. I shaved my hair into a flattop 4 years ago to get his eye back on me.LOl come read about it. Thanks

Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Smokes Angel: Thank you! Yes, from my heart indeed. My husband and I use our "highs and lows" to motivate and inspire growth. We sometimes learn what to do by learning what not to do first. :-)

Smokes Angel profile image

Smokes Angel 5 years ago from Broke Alabama

Wonderful hub obviously from your heart. Thanks for sharing.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article