What is Your Attachment Style in Relationships?

A Couple of Meerkats and the Sunset
A Couple of Meerkats and the Sunset | Source

Tips on Love and Relationships

Who doesn’t want to be in a stable and happy relationship? Well, I certainly don’t know anyone who would answer this question, “I’m the one! I really don’t care if my relationships are joyful or not!”

Our goal in life is to find happiness, and our happiness depends also on our healthy romantic relationships.

The feelings of affection, closeness, friendship, compassion, and love make us happy and healthy. A peaceful and loving state of mind is beneficial for our physical well-being. We are able to achieve much faster that state of mind in harmonious relationship.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

Because we all care about our happiness in love, here is a guide how to understand and improve our relationships.

Research shows that in partnerships our attachment styles play the most significant role.

What Is an Attachment Style?

The so called attachment style determines the amount of insecurities in our love-life.

The first step to improve your own relationship is to know yours and your partner's attachment style.

The Adult Attachment Test

The following test will help you to find out where you stand in the relationship. Consider how strongly you identify with each statement and choose the one which describes you best. You need around fifteen minutes to complete it.

It is crucial, please complete the test first and then continue reading this article.

Please, be sure, the test result is not right or wrong. None of our attachment styles is right or wrong. Solely, knowing your own style can help you to understand better how relationships work, how you can improve your own relationship, or to find out which partner might be the best one for you.

Knowing your own attachment style can also help you to understand what might be a source of mishaps in your past relationships, and help you to form your future happy relationship.

The questions are about your current or past relationships.

When you never have been in any romantic relationship, think answering the questionnaire about one of your parents, best friend, semi best friend, or about closest person you lived with.

Attachment Styles Questionnaire

Why are Depending Partners in Advantage to Independent Individuals?

We live in a culture of detachment and independency. We believe that keeping our own peace is priority. We believe that we and our partners are grown adults, respectful to each other, and individuals with clear boundaries.

Nothing could be more wrong than this.

This is diametrically opposed to being in a relationship, or in other words, this standpoint doesn’t have anything in common with happy relationships. This is why we live in a society of divorce and constant change of partners.

We have to understand that, as a loving couple we form one unit. We are no longer two separate individuals. We depend on each other. Your partner's health, happiness, and satisfaction are your own and vice versa. The knowledge that there is someone we can count on makes each of us stronger. My partner is part of me and I do everything to protect them, and the other way around, they protect me. This was in our evolution a notable advantage for survival. And still is. This is a fact.

Attachment Styles in Adults

After You Know Your Own Attachment Style

After finishing the test and reading the results, you know your attachment style in relationships. Please don’t forget, no matter which your style is, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are just only one step further to know yourself better and to improve your own life.

Firstly you need to know your partner's attachment style. Here you can take the correspondingly test.

Now check in the following table the information about your relationship.

Which Partner is the Best One for You?

 
You are secure
You are anxious
You are avoidant
You are fearful-avoidant
Your partner is secure
Great combination.
Good combination. Learn from your partner.
Good combination. Learn from your partner.
Good combination. Learn from your partner.
Your parner is anxious
Good combination. Understand your partner and boost their securuty.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Your partner is avoidant
Good combination. Understand your partner and boost their securuty.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Your partner is fearful-avoidant
Good combination. Understand your partner and boost their securuty.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.
Both of you must learn from the secure role model.

What is a Secure Role Model?

People with the secure attachment style are the best examples as secure role models. We can learn from them. We just have to know that the secure way - almost completely free of insecurities - is the best guarantee for a happy and harmonious marriage or partnership.

Your secure partner:

  • Values your thoughts, views, and beliefs most.
  • Pays attention to your opinions.
  • Trusts you first. You are the first one whom they complete trust.
  • Does have the first priority in your well-being.
  • Gives you the feeling of security, protection, and appreciation.
  • Doesn't hurt your feelings. Their remarks about you are respectful.
  • Doesn't let you feel bad about yourself. They respond to your self-doubts positively.

Read also in my previous article "How Working on Attachment Style Can Improve Your Romantic Relationship?" the parts: "Secure Attachment Style" (it appears on the right side in a bluish box), further in the article, about the "Couples with Secure Attachment Style," "Learn From Secure Partners How to Avoid the Insecure Trapp in Daily Life," " What a Secure Partner Won’t Do?" and "What a Secure Partner Won’t Say or Think?"

Two Racoons (It's my painting made after a photography by Robin Christofori).
Two Racoons (It's my painting made after a photography by Robin Christofori). | Source

How to Learn From my Secure Partner?

Almost all of us have some insecure moments in our lives. Some moments are more significant, some are less. Some moments are longer, some are just for a few seconds.

These unguarded moments are connected with self protection. We don't want to be hurt and hide behind protest behaviors of anxious or avoidant styles. We suddenly would act hostile, withdraw, threaten to leave, make our partner feel jealous, focus on small imperfections of our partner, avoid physical closeness to hurt them, suddenly we would believe that our "ex" was "the ideal one,"and so far and so on.

Don't let your negative thoughts overwhelm you! Don’t allow yourself to be destabilized, and don’t let your insecure attachment system to be activated.

Remain inactive for a moment. Pause for few seconds, before premature overreacting and jackrabbiting into speculation or judgment.

Sometimes even slightest hint of something that isn’t working like it should (wrong look at you or some inappropriate words your partner uses), may activate the insecurity in your attachment system. After the activation, it’s terribly difficult to become secure again. How long it'll take, it depends from your partner's reaction.

When you’ll get convincing confirmation from your partner that everything is OK, then you’ll be able to calm down quickly. Even minimal reassurance from your partner brings the message. As you see, when your partner reacts in a secure way, your life is going to be increasingly happy and balanced.

Secure partner do not hide behind any sort of protest behavior, or deactivating strategies.

Let us learn from them.

  • They are understanding and feel responsible for their partner's well-being.
  • They don't punish their partners.
  • Physical and emotional closeness is easy and enjoyable for them.
  • They don't separate physical love from emotional one.
  • They don't provoke, antagonize and annoy their partners.
  • By criticism, they don't feel threatened. They rethink their activity and change it if needed.
  • They don't undermine self-esteem of their partners.
  • They take their partners in a positive way and are quick to forgive.
  • They treat their partners with high respect and love.
  • They respond with sense and sensibility and provide comfort when their partner is distressed.
  • They promote their partners and enhance their self-confidence.

Boosting my Partner's Feeling of Security

As a secure partner, your positive talents are gifted to you and you are able to hand over this gift to your partner. This is tremendously supportive and beneficial ability in relationships.

Through your secure attachment style, you are capable to make a positive example to your partner and to strengthen their self-esteem. This is an exceptionally valuable skill. You know intuitively, what is the right thing to do to increase your partner's security and self-confidence.

The Very Best Book about Attachment Styles

Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

In my eyes, this is the best book on this topic on the market. It is extremely helpful, full of good examples and explanations.

John Gray, the bestselling author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus said about this book: "A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship."

The Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California, Davis - Phillip R. Shaver, Ph.D., says about this book: "The book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader."

Sources and Disclaimer

Attachment Relationships and Health Behavior: The Mediational Role of Self-Esteem

Attachment in Adults - Wikipedia

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors Strengthening Attachment Bonds by Susan M. Johnson

A disclaimer: The author does not have any liability for any injury or damage that may result from the use of any advice contained in this article. The instruction and advice are in no way intended as substitutes for any medical or psychological consulting.

What Is Your Romantic Attachment Style?

How to Improve Your Relationship

© 2013 Maria Janta-Cooper

More by this Author


Comments 15 comments

junko profile image

junko 3 years ago

I love my wife of 43 years. Because of that love and unselfishness we have had a higher quality of life. Love is full of selflessness that allows a person to do more than they would do alone or in a few start and stop relationships. To love and be loved is impowering and a blessing of sacrifice.


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 3 years ago from UK Author

Junko, I'm honored by your comment. Thanks. You are completely right. Love is selfless and makes us happier and even healthier. I'm also, like you, blessed by having a great partner. Wish you many more years with your beloved wife. Enjoy love and life :-)


cuttler profile image

cuttler 3 years ago from HubPages

Interesting quiz there. Never knew I was secure :-) Thank u for sharing this, I think I will have to read it three or so more times just to get every concept. I think it's a good way to establish a stable relationship. Voted up as useful and awesome.


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 3 years ago from UK Author

Thanks for visiting and congratulations! Your secure attachment style tells you that you are going to be happy in your relationships. Just be careful. Even secures can have problems in relationships because they may stumble into less effective partners. In such cases, do your magic and stay on track as the secure foundation for your relationship.


jaydene profile image

jaydene 3 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Neato, lots of good information, even though i am single it says my style is secure, would be great to find another similar. or someone that would complement.

Great »Hub. really enjoyed this :)


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 3 years ago from UK Author

Thank you for visiting. Congratulations! Because you're secure, it is easier for you to develop happy and healthy relationships. Of course, there is never a guarantee for it. There would be higher guarantee for a happy relationship when your partner also would be a secure one. After you know more about the attachment styles, you may quicker identify if you are dating a secure partner or not (by the way, my next hub is about this topic).


growtogether profile image

growtogether 3 years ago from Michigan

quiz and article! There is a lot of information there and my quiz was very true. Thanks for sharing!


HaileyAdams profile image

HaileyAdams 3 years ago

Interesting hub, interesting, useful, great to know I'm secure )) Voted up!


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 3 years ago from UK Author

Congratulations! :-)


Soozy 3 years ago

Unknown to me before I read this article, I possess an anxious/preoccupied style of attachment. Now I am aware of this I finally have an explanation for the troubles my partner and I are currently experiencing. We argue a lot due to my jealousies and insecurities regarding his previous relationship and the involvement he still has with his ex, but have managed to stay together thanks to him having a secure style! Now I am aware of the reasons behind my emotions and having read your hints and tips to improve and learn from my secure partner, I feel more positive about our relationship and myself. This read has been insightful, informative and extremely helpful, thank you!


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 2 years ago from Indiana, USA

I'm very secure in my relationship, and I think that my husband is too. Very nice hub you have here! Voted up, UAI.


barbat79 profile image

barbat79 2 years ago from Connnecticut

A very in-depth article. Informative and gives a great perspective to review ourselves. Thank you for this wonderful piece!


samikan profile image

samikan 2 years ago from online

Useful and interesting hub..need to read once in more depth. thanks for posting. Voted up..


maramerce profile image

maramerce 2 years ago from United States

I'm secure, but only after having endured many bad trial/error attachments where I was anxious or avoidant and fearful. Heartbreak has ironically made me more secure. I have a less idealistic view of love than I did ten years ago. I went through a very tragic and traumatic heartbreak which will probably always affect me in some way all my life, but because I am the kind of person who tries very hard to take the positive from a negative situation, I was able to evaluate the pain I was in and come to terms with it. I found a way of changing myself into a secure person by learning how to just let go of expectations, to stop internalizing other people's actions, and continue having a life outside the crumbling romance. That was the hardest part because you just instinctively want to curl up in a ball and die when it all falls apart. I made a habit of getting back up every time and now I get back up so quickly that I don't even miss a beat. I know eventually a relationship will work out for me. Even if a thousand before it fall apart it will be worth that one that comes together solidly and sticks. I will simply appreciate it more having been through so much grief before finding it.


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 2 years ago from UK Author

Dear maramerce, it seems that you are on the right way. Stay optimistic! Learn from the attachment theory. This particular theory may help you by finding the right partner; or it may help to better understand your partner and help him (or her) in relationships.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working