10 Things Not to Eat on a Date

You’re on a date. A first date, a third date, a two-hundredth and thirty-third date, whichever. You’re sat in a restaurant looking at the menu, deciding what to order, or else you’re at home planning out a romantic dinner. STOP. We both know you can’t do this alone, so please refer to the following 10 things not to eat on a date:

Mmmm. Asparagus pee.
Mmmm. Asparagus pee. | Source

1. Asparagus

Two words: asparagus pee. This is only necessary to avoid if you think you might be getting laid, though.

If you both have garlic breath, then it's almost as if neither of you has garlic breath, right?
If you both have garlic breath, then it's almost as if neither of you has garlic breath, right? | Source

2. Garlic

This one is obvious; nobody wants to lean in for a kiss and be greeted by the pungent aroma of garlic. It’s not hard to avoid garlic when you go out to eat unless you’re in an Italian restaurant, in which case, good luck.

Enjoy your onion breath responsibly, cause it'll last for 10 hours.
Enjoy your onion breath responsibly, cause it'll last for 10 hours. | Source

3. Raw Onions

For the same reasons as garlic. Also an obvious food to avoid.

The more of these you've got covered, the worse I feel for you (I've got 3).
The more of these you've got covered, the worse I feel for you (I've got 3). | Source

4. Allergens

This seems like glaring common sense, but it’s easy to forget that normally “safe” foods can contain hidden or trace allergens that’ll make you feel poopy, such as ordering a seafood salad with noodle topping if you are allergic to wheat (I may or may not have done this myself). On a more serious note, if you have severe anaphylactic food allergies like I do (peanuts = death), remember to bring your Epipen with you!! Why do I even need to remind you of this?!!

It almost looks as if this glass is about to spill, probably all over your lap.
It almost looks as if this glass is about to spill, probably all over your lap. | Source

5. Red Wine

Or any other drink that will stain badly if spilled (grape juice, cranberry juice, etc – though, why are you drinking grape juice? Are you eight?). For the graceful folks among us this may not be a concern, but for the klutzes out there, be careful!

A nice cherry red red, to complement the blood red of the wine stain.
A nice cherry red red, to complement the blood red of the wine stain. | Source

6. Tomato Sauce

Because stains. Also, I've never seen anybody eat spaghetti bolognese without getting at least a little bit on their face or clothing.

We'll pass on the fried chicken this time, Paula. And the racial slurs.
We'll pass on the fried chicken this time, Paula. And the racial slurs. | Source

7. Greasy Foods

Unless you’re both expressly up for something greasy and are headed to a diner, greasy fare is often a) messy, and b) will likely leave you feeling bloated and vile afterward, neither of which particularly foster romance. Also, gas.

Look at all those green little shits that are going to end up between your teeth.
Look at all those green little shits that are going to end up between your teeth. | Source

8. Broccoli

I don’t know about you, but whenever I eat broccoli, as delicious and nutritious as it is, some of it ALWAYS ends up between my teeth. Be forewarned.

This is basically magma with chicken bits.
This is basically magma with chicken bits. | Source

9. More Spice than You Can Handle

Know your spice limit, and dine within it! Whether you can only handle a bit of spice or you are one of those people who cannot handle spice at all (shout out to all the other white people out there), do NOT order foods that are likely to be spicier than you can handle, even if you’re feeling adventurous. Otherwise, you’ll be sitting at the table tearing, nose running, and you'll have to hail the waiter for a gallon of homo milk and some ice to assuage the five-alarm fire in your mouth. Hot.

This guy can't even hold his drink properly. Don't have what he's having.
This guy can't even hold his drink properly. Don't have what he's having. | Source

10. What Your Date is Having/Likes

Don’t eat to impress your date. Just don’t. Don’t order the rack of lamb when you really think lamb is too gamey just because your date is having it or says it’s their favourite food. Don’t order pierogis because your date is Ukrainian, or curry because they’re Indian. That’s just weird (and potentially kind of racist).

NOW you can order

Hopefully these pointers will save you from embarrassing food-related mishaps that otherwise would have befallen you in your ignorance. You’re welcome. However, don't forget that dates are supposed to be fun, so if you screw up, don't take it to mean that this is the end of respectable life in society. A Tide pen, an antacid, and some mouthwash can fix anything. Except anaphylaxis. Please call an ambulance.

Thanks.
Thanks. | Source

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