When He Says You "Might" Be The One

Julie's Question

Veronica,

I'm 34 and have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months now. I have been married once a while back & have been divorced for 4 years now. He has never been married. I have brought up the subject of marriage on different ocassions and he usually doesn't really say one way or the other whether or not he sees me as "the one"

The other night the subject came up and this time he said "marriage was not on his top priority list" "he isn't dying to get married right now, he's still young" "you are "probably" going to be the one I "END" up marrying, it just wont be tomorrow" "It won't be as long as 50 years or anything like that" - He tells me he loves me and he couldnt imagine his life without me, but isn't that saying that he doesn't imagine his life with me?

Am I stupid? Should I move on? Give him space?

Him and his last girlfriend dated and lived together for 6 years and he said "he knew he wasn't going to marry her" and insists on saying that if he didn't see a future then he wouldn't be with me - is it all bs? I need some major advice please. I'm 34 going on 35 and he just turned 33.

Thanks!!

Julie

My Answer

Julie,

Hmmm...
Well, there are definitely some bad signs, but there are also some muted and immature signs.

I would say in your case, let his actions speak louder than words.

He lived with the ex for 6 years, knowing he wasn't going to marry her?? Eesh, that's a monkey wrench. But you can turn that into a very telling key to your answer. Can you find out, was he telling her the things he's telling you, like that he will probably wind up marrying her? If you can, find out what was different between then and now.


More important than the things he says are the things he does. Invite him to act in a way that shows you his intentions. Do things like, tell him you've opened a savings account "for whenever it is up the road you wind up getting married." Try to mimic his language. Don't make it full of pressure. See what he does. If he ever hands you a $20 and says put this in that account, that's a great sign. If he doesn't offer, help him to think of it. Even something small like the change he gets back at the gas station, ask him for it for that savings account. The dollar amount DOES NOT MATTER. Even if it's 2 dollars it's significant if he's handing it to you to save for a wedding.

If you see a band you like, say something in his language, again happy smiling and not full of pressure - like : "Hey, you should go up there and ask them for their booking info, in case up the road we want to book them for our wedding when we wind up doing it." If he goes and gets their info, again - great sign. Remember, what you're trying to see here are actions. It's not enough to discuss that this band would be a cool wedding band, or a savings account would be a good idea. He has to hand you a couple bucks. He has to go talk to the band for wedding booking info. There has to be an action.

But be prepared, the actions may not be positive. He may refuse to give even 2 bucks to a savings for the wedding. He may not go approach the band for booking info.
If he refuses to show you any intention at all, then that's a very bad sign, and you should really pull out if getting married is what you really want.

Be forewarned, there is nothing worse than an idle threat. If you tell him, "That's it, I'm not waiting any longer, I need to end this," then you HAVE to end it. If you don't, then he knows he never has to take you seriously, you do not mean what you say, and you prove to him he can get away with anything. You have to follow through completely, or he can never ever respect you. It has to be a ring on your finger and a date on the calendar, not a promise he'll try. It has to be the real thing, or you won't ever get what you want.

Best to you,
Veronica

Julie's Follow-Up

Thank you so much for the advice!!

The only thing is he hasn't said he wants to marry me for sure, I believe he was just saying that to get me to "shut up" at the time.  He did tell his ex over and over that he loved her but he was not in love with her and that he was never going to marry her and she stayed with him, which was her fault. Also, they were on and off for the 6 years & she had two kids, so he says he let her stay because of the kids.   I told him that I didn't want to move in with him unless there was an engagement or a marriage, but all the time he says he wishes we lived together. BUT, not in the I want to move foward and get married kind of way, it's more like a "it would be really cool to live with you" kind of way.   I'm going to try your ideas and bring up things like that little by little. I told him after that conversation that I was sorry and wasn't in a RUSH to get married tomorrow or anything, that I just needed to find out if this relationship was going to last for long term or if I needed to move on & he said "it's alright, you just wanted to know where things are headed, which is understandable". He didn't hit the road, but then again I can't help but think of him in a way that I know he doesn't want to marry me, so it's hard for me to be the loving great person I was before because I'm resenting the fact that he hasn't mentioned a commitment. I have a feeling his is one of those guys that talks about wanting to get married one day and have kids soon, but all in all, he just says things like that because he knows that is what you want to hear & he sounds scared to death.    I'm going to give it some time, but if he continues to say things like "at my wedding i'm doing this" or "when i have kids, this" and there isn't a WE in it, I may have to tell him maybe we need to take time away to find out if this relationship is what we really want. I'm hoping if it came down to that, that he would miss me and step up to the plate, but also risking the chance of him finding "the one" and me not being her would really hurt me- BUT- also open me up to find the one that can't live without me...   Thank you! Julie

All text is original content by Veronica

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