When His Ex Is Psycho - How Much Can The New GF Take?

Dear Veronica,

When I tell you what my problem with my boyfriend is I am going to sound like a selfish jerk. I know I need help and I really don't know what to do. i was googling for advice on my situation and I found hubpages. the reason I picked you to write to is because I read in one of your hubs that you said it's not about right and wrong. Some people just can't deal with some stuff. Like how certain people aren't cut out to date cops or someone with kids. So I am writing to you to ask for your support with this. My boyfriend is a great guy and has been very good to me. The problem is he has this ex that's totally a psycho. I'm scared of her. When we first started dating he told me he had this girl that was stalking him. the story goes that they met at a christmas party and she liked him and he thought she was hot. they hooked up and the next day he wanted nothing to do with her. when he told me about it he said she was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. he was honest enough to tell me she was very pretty and that all the attention she gave him was very flattering and confused him. he admitted he handled it wrong and maybe encouraged her in the beginning but soon he found out she was crazy and told her to stop. i know this is so very fatal attraction. i didn't think too much of it and we were dating for about 4 months when she started showing up. i wasn't very convinced that this was all in her head and I really was like well if you want to be with this girl, that's fine just say so. But he kept telling me no, he didn't, and he wanted to be with me. i started to get notes from this girl in my mail box and on my windshield saying back off, and that he loves her and belongs to her, and then some threats. When I got these notes (there were 4 of them) I stopped calling him. I wouldn't return his calls. Finally he came over and wanted to know what was wrong, and i showed him the notes. he looked scared, and he called the police. They asked us to come to the station and we did. They took a report on the threats and said they would speak to her. He then told me the reason she had not bothered us for the 4 months we were dating up til then was she was in jail. she kept breaking into his house and doing stuff like slicing up his bed and his sheets and stealing his clothes and cutting up his photos. there were so many times of this and he had a restraining order and she kept violating it. i apologized because if he had a restraining order and she went to jail for breaking in and wrecking his stuff then he must be telling the truth that he is not into her that she is just obsessed with him. i think i felt so guilty for not being sure that i got closer to him. i really do think he's a great guy. if this wasn't all going on i would be totally into him and i believe now that he really is totally into me. but i am scared of this crazy girl. the police have talked to her but it doesn't help. things are happening that i don't know if it is her but i think it is. things like this week my garbage cans were emptied out onto my car and someone painted bitch in red spray paint on my front door. i just don't want to deal with this.he's a great guy but like is aid you're going to think i am a selfish jerk for saying this but i don't think he's worth this hassle. I really am scared. Am I a terrible person for wanting to just end this now over this psycho girl?

- Scared.

Dear Scared. ,

Quite a few things jump out at me from your email. The first is that you said he's a great guy 3 times. i realize it's only 4 months, but it's not like you're saying you love him or could fall in love with him. You're saying "yeah he's a great guy" almost like you're convincing yourself. "Great guy" isn't usually the language a woman uses when she's describing the man she's falling in love with. It's more the way she describes that boy she was friends with but never dated, or that guy she broke up with when she's explaining why. "He's a great guy," is usually followed with a "but."

Another thing that strikes me is that you felt guilty for not believing him. He told you about this stalker from the start, and I do give him credit for that by the way. You even explained how he owned up to having misled this girl. That was very honest and brave of him to do. It's hard to admit something like that, especially to a woman who's opinion matters. So again, I give him credit. He really is a great guy, like you said. I can understand your confusion at that point where you weren't sure if she really was in his life, especially with that confession on his part. 

It's hard to realize something about ourselves. Something like that, that says you didn't trust your boyfriend especially while he's being so painfully honest and open with you. 

But that guilt I think has lead you to be further confused about your feelings. You admitted that you felt so guilty that you may have gotten closer to him. I am not sure how to translate that. Started sleeping with him? Put aside your desire to withdraw from him and pulled him closer instead? I don't know, but I get the impression you tried to reveal. I think that guilt is still confusing you about your feelings.

So I do have to be honest here and let you know that my impression, reading in between the lines of your email, listening to your tells and interpret them, I do not believe you were falling for this great guy. I don't see where you had that special magic for him. I think you would have eventually stopped seeing him anyway. I just think you're so guilty over all the things that have happened that you can't see that or be honest about it with yourself. 

Not only are you feeling guilty about not having trusted him, I think you also feel genuinely bad about wanting to stop seeing a guy in such a predicament. It's just like breaking up with a guy that just lost his job, or had some other tragedy. 

I am glad you read my Hub Certain Guys/Girls You Should Never Get Involved With. Some of the sentiment certainly applies to you.  It really isn't about right and wrong. There are some situations that some people just aren't equipped to deal with. Dating a merchant marine or a truck driver, who's away from home for days, weeks, or even months at a time. Dating a soldier or fireman or someone who's life is on the line every time they go to work is too much stress for some people to deal with. We all know there is nothing wrong at all with any of those professions. It isn't about right or wrong, it's just about who you are and what you can handle. It's not fair to you to be involved with someone who's lie choices take away from yours. And it's not fair to them either. 

There's nothing wrong with you for thinking this is an extreme situation where you don't feel safe and you don't want to go through it. But I don't think that is the situation you're in. I think you don't even know if you would deal with this if it were for the right guy. 

If you were really head over heels in love with this guy you may be willing to do anything you need to do to be with him and help him.

I do feel sorry for your boyfriend. It sounds like he was playing with fire there with this woman when he met her and wound up in over his head with a psychopath. Violating restraining orders, threatening, breaking and entering, destroying personal property in a very violent way, this is not just someone that was upset or acting out. This is definitely someone with a serious mental deficiency. She went to jail for these crimes, and goes right back to it when she gets out by leaving you notes on your car and at your home, and possibly causing other destruction and property defacing. That's not something to take lightly. I feel bad for your boyfriend that he's dealing with this, and that he's about to lose you. Yes, he may have been a jerk when he first met her but he certainly doesn't deserve what came after.

No matter how great a guy he is, no matter how wrong she is, no matter what, this isn't your problem. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but that's the truth. It's a shitty shame that he has to keep dealing with her but nothing you do or don't do is going to change that.

I do think it will be easier for you if you can try to objectively examine your true feelings for him. Putting the guilt aside and the feeling like you shouldn't break up over what you perceive as a selfish reason. You need to be honest with yourself about what you really do feel for him. I think you should be honest with him about this, let him know that it isn't just the ex psycho girlfriend situation, that you think very highly of him but that you just don't feel that indescribable spark that you want to feel in a romantic relationship.

It is really a scary thing to have to deal with someone that's bats in the belfry, nuts, bananas, cuckoo, poisonous or crazy. I do wish the best to your boyfriend, I'm sorry he has to deal with this. But I do think he'd be your ex anyway, and I think you're OK to separate yourself from this and move on. Staying out of guilt is not the right reason. Good luck.

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2 comments

Pam D. 6 years ago

In the meantime, do keep a record of any and all events, date, time, location, etc., just in case the psycho stalking for you doesn't let up. Good luck out there. And be careful.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Pam!

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