Who Has The Commitment Issue Really?
Myself being a woman and having read numerous articles on men who are supposedly experiencing commitment phobia, or as most call it commitment issues, I really wonder if many of us women have examined this closely. I will tell you a story and you need to think about it and perhaps look for the true answer that may be obvious to some and not so obvious to others.
I have debated several past decisions that I made many years ago and still that little devil on my shoulder keeps on giving me reason for self-justification. If it were easy to step outside of ourselves and think without any bias it would be truly splendid, but I have not mastered that feat yet.
I will readily admit that in my own personal history I blamed a past relationship failure on 'his' commitment phobia, at least this is what was comfortable for me to believe in. Through much research I have found that passing blame is the easiest thing to do, apparently I chose the easy route. I did not do this on my own, I listened to all of the outside philosophers which included perhaps family, friends, co-workers and so on and they said to think this way, being a woman, was correct; so I took this old school concept and ran with it.
A Bit of History on that Relationship
I did see him for around 5 years I think it was, sometimes it was good and sometimes not so good. It was I that took off midstream and said 'hey, I'm going to join the army' and off I went. If I think back I do not think there was a grand goodbye or anything of the sort, I sent him some stuff in the mail; that's pretty cool don't you think?
I did write him a letter or two while away and perhaps sent an email or two as well, over the course of around four or five months that was the only contact I made. I did make contact with him when I was back in the city, at least I think it was myself that made the first contact, after I was all settled back in the city. Could have been him though because I do recall him wanting to see me and I said that I was not fully settled in yet and needed more time.
I needed to feel self-sufficient before I could go off on some tangent and get all messed up with emotional relationship issues. I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to be firmly on your feet before involving another person in your life, even if it is a person whom you were once involved with.
He did come around and see me several times once I said he could. Oh my gosh to be honest I was a horrible person to be in a relationship with, if he did not do things as I wished I would say 'bugger off' and go date someone else. But, he always came back around to see me when I was done with my latest episode.
I rationalized that he just could not find anyone else to date so he would see me. As to him, my friends thought he was very nice to look at, he was and probably still is the part owner of a niche business, he has 49% and his partner at the time had 51%. I did have friends who did say he was a horrid person and an absolute derriere, were these people really my friends or did they have ulterior motives? There are a lot of questions that remain unanswered.
My shame is that I was a tool, I was the one that said I would always love him, and I would always be there for him. I guess I may always love him but I'm certainly not there for him, liar me, shame on me. To make matters worse think of the persons (men) I may have hurt while I was just being mad at him?
Do you just take off or not talk when you think things are not going so well, how often do we find ourselves saying 'you never listen' to them? Are some of us perhaps too independent and do not want to rely upon another because of the simple fact that we are afraid of being let down? Somewhere in our mind, in our past there is a history that has brought us to what we are today. On the advantageous side it has made us stronger, on the down side it may have made dealing with relationships a bit, if not a lot, harder for us.
Women, is it so common that I, perhaps we, cannot think clearly at the best of times? Emotional creatures that we are, our emotions often get the better of us. So ladies if you are at this time going through a similar situation, seriously think about what you are going through and try to see it from all angles before you make any serious decisions.
Time Goes By
Much time has gone by since I last saw you. I don’t know what you’ve been doing in all this time that has gone by, but I hope that you do well. I do not know what goes through your mind and I don’t know if you ever think of me as I think of you. Life goes on and with each day that goes by we remember that we come closer to our bodily demise. If I do naught to smooth the passage of years before that time comes will it make a difference at all?
What do I mean and what do you know? Does it affect you as it affects me? Am I just crazy or are you left wondering too? Questions, I have too many; answers, we both have too few. Does the sun shine more clearly for you than it does for me? Is this just a madness that I go through? Could it be that all of the tales of the Soul that I thought to be true were just a figment of my imagination?
Do we live on in a fairy tale, did we go wrong and have we taken steps that cannot be undone? Who are you today and most of all ‘Do you still think of me as I think of you? Does any of it really matter and I pray, why do you plague me so? Was it that we are fools and who is to blame? Does it even matter one against the other, is there a path that leads directly back to you?
Was it to do with the coming of an important event and why did it turn out that you are not at my side? We did as we humans do and make choices on what we feel we should do, how do we know differently? Do I fear that many events will come to be and somewhere at a distant point in time we will see eye to eye once again?
If only you were to read my words, would you understand what I am trying to tell you?
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