Who is to Blame When Men Stray

Elliott and Silda Spitzer at the press conference in which he admitted infidelity.
Elliott and Silda Spitzer at the press conference in which he admitted infidelity.

Should Women Shoulder the Blame?

I recently ran across a quote in a national magazine that was perhaps the saddest I have every read. Running through a national magazine for women, I recently ran across an article regarding the narratives of a dozen women who had discovered their partners had cheated.

In half the cases, the women stayed; in the other half, they left. Women who left did so for a variety reasons including pride, mental health, anticipation of a future filled with children and insecurity. Women who stayed did so because of pride, mental health or the anticipation of a future filled with children and security. Love becomes a huge issue in all cases.

And no matter who insulated a woman might feel regarding her relationship, statistics indicate that one in five women will be cheated upon. To further emphasize the point, the magazine quoted famous women who had been cheated upon. Women like Uma Thurman and Sandra Bullock noted that they had moved on with their lives. Kathy Lee Gifford said her husband Frank Gifford's cheating ultimately saved their marriage.

But the most heart wrenching was that of Silda Sptizer who allegedly confided to a family friend after the prostitution scandal of her politician husband, Elliott, "This is my failing. I wasn't adequate".

Every woman who has ever heard from a cheated upon friend has heard that woman quietly voice her concerns about insecurities and inadequacies. Silda Spitzer simply revoiced the chant of cheaters world-wide. "It's not me, It's you."

Cheaters cheat for a variety of reasons, their own insecurity, conquest, lack of a moral compass, but their reasons never include being forced to cheat by their partner.

What often does happen is that cheaters work away at the confidence of their partners, owning up to their infidelities of their own, but blaming their partners. As the partners are weakened, they find it easier and easier to cheat and easier and easier to blame. But when the victim becomes convinced it is their fault, she or he begins to spout the blame line.

This isn't the role model we want for our children. As the wife of a high=profile elected officials who was caught in a prostitution scandal, we should expect more. And personally, she should expect more of herself. Has she taken a moment to consider how such a statement might affect her children's outlook.

As friends, as individuals committed to healthy relationships or seeking them; as women who respect themselves or the men who love such women, it becomes imperative that we stop the blame game and address the cheating. Place the blame where the blame belongs. With the person who cannot keep his or her commitment or walk away.

Silda Spitzer
Silda Spitzer

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Comments 3 comments

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

People who cheat choose to cheat. There is no doubt about it. However I can understand why some of the betrayed may take some responsibilty if they know they have "neglected" their mate. Each of us is entitled to have our own "deal breakers". For some people cheating is not an absolute "deal breaker". As for unhappily married men according to statistics women initiate divorces 66% of the time. (That's two thirds!). A man who is unhappy is far more likely to cheat than run down to the court house because his wife is not having sex with him or does not treat him the way he thinks he deserves to be treated. Even mistresses are warned, "Married men don't leave their wives" (by choice). Cheaters tend to try and hold onto what is good in their primary relationship while filling in the gaps on the side. It takes more courage to walk away from a 75-80% good relationship to start a new one with someone unknown. Life is a personal journey. Cheating is a personal decision. Only the cheater is responsible for her or his actions! Nice hub.

Winter Maclen profile image

Winter Maclen 5 years ago from Illinois Author

Thanks for the comment. I completely agree. No one is ever responsible, or guilty of creating, anyone else's actions. We can only take responsibility for our own. And perhaps society sometimes forgets to teach that part.

Carolin 23 months ago

Hi Ameena, I ran across your blog while snehcriag for some tips. Thank you for all of the info in this lighting video. I just shot a promo video for my soon-to-launch interactive website and was disappointed with the ME portion of the video because the lighting was a) overexposed and b) made me look very pale. I spent literally 40 crash hours learning Final Cut color correcting only to come out with passable footage. I had purchased a great little 3 part lightbox kit, but the bulbs were 6500K. What temp is your light kit? I've read 5500K is daylight temp, while the tungstuns you were glowing yellow with are around 3200K. Also, because ve got that standard British/American fair skin and was wondering what colors you would suggest for backgrounds and clothing? Your white background looks great. Simple and sleek. I might try it myself next time. Looks as though you'd want to contrast it with a decent amount of color in the clothing. Am I right?

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