Who Is That Woman?
I was passing a store window one day and happened to glance over and there stood my mother. Knowing that she has gone to her transition some 20 years earlier, it seemed peculiar. It didn’t take long to realize that it was only my own reflection staring back at me.
I don’t know how it happened that I am now this matronly looking person in the glass.
My thinking tells me I am still vital and alive. Although, I have begun to realize when I speak, people don’t seem to listen very long. They seem in a hurry to get on with their day and my concerns seem to be inconsequential to them.
My mind can’t help but wander back to a time when heads turned as I entered the room.
Now I sometimes feel as if I am invisible to those around me. Days go by and the phone doesn’t ring. What happened to all those people who seemed to find me indispensable?
To my surprise what I am finding is a new freedom. I am realizing that I don’t have to be a certain way or say clever things any longer. I can go out of the house in my sweats and no one cares or seems to even notice. There is little to be vain about any longer and it is liberating.
I no longer have much to offer so no one needs anything from me. When someone calls they are now calling just because they want to know how I am doing. It doesn’t happen often but it is very nice to know someone thinks of me and cares. I no longer have to worry what they want, I have little to offer. Sometimes I don’t even want to give my time, it seems more precious somehow these days.
I am also aware of the times when I thought I must buy love with things or no one would love me. It makes me sad to think of how often I sold myself and others cheaply.
I am beginning to learn with age comes the wisdom of not looking back. There is no value in assessing how we did what we did or did not do. If one instant could be done over there might be a purpose. Unfortunately as they say “there are no do-overs” All I’ve ever gained from looking back is nostalgia for what was or regret for the things I wish I had done better.
I suddenly am embracing this new person. A person that is content being left to come to terms with the life they have lived. I am becoming aware of my value just as I am. I’m loosing the need to please others. I am content to investigate my day and to seek out what all of my life experience has taught me. Life has given me many opportunities, most of those taught me things of value. I want to share some of those lessons with others. I have found writing to be an invaluable outlet that allows me to stay involved in the world around me.
I am grateful.
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