Why Are So Many Black Women Single, Part 1

So I’m listening to one of the countless personality-driven morning radio shows on my way from (that’s from, not to) work recently when the subject matter worked itself around to the issue of black women. In particular, the issue was why so many accomplished—or even semi-accomplished—African-American women were single? By many of the most recent estimates, between 60-70% of black women are single, by design or destiny, single (“High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing or Not Chosen?" and “Singled Out” ). For the most part, the assumption is that they cannot simply “find a good man.”

First, let me warn you that I am a proud male chauvinist. On a general level, I believe that males are and should be the traditional head of the family and home, with wife serving as counsel (working on the assumption that he has his family’s, and not his own interests at heart). As a pragmatic rather than emotional decision-maker (again, working on positive assumptions), his should be the final word insofar as what is in the family’s interests. As a matter of historical reality, families were simply more functional under this particular dynamic. On a personal level, most of the things women want to talk about and/or discuss bores me, while things I want to talk about tends to “offend” them. So on the strength of that bit of reality alone, I concede that we’re simply not going to agree on this issue…we’re just not (however, I will endeavor to supply statistics and sources whenever applicable or possible, in an effort to limit the amount of eye-rolling and teeth-sucking many of you will undoubtedly engage in as you read ahead with a closed-mind).

For the most part, so many black women remain single because most parties involved either cannot or refuse to see the true nature of the issue: both black men and women bear responsibility as well as society as a whole.

For African-American men, the direct contribution is the lack of personal responsibility, a point which encompasses more than what’s implicit in a simple statement. The lack of personal responsibility entails many different counter-productive attitudes, practices, and beliefs which enough black men exhibit to place the entire demographic into a state of crisis. We’ve all seen, read about, or personally know the dismal statistics: the unprecedented and shocking percentages of black males who are a part of the criminal justice system, who have multiple “baby mamas,” who are not involved in or pursue an education at levels comparable to their black female counterparts, or who are victimizing themselves through acts of black-on-black crime with seeming reckless abandon. All told, the low and dysfunctional levels of education, the casual attitude toward having (felony) criminal records, routine recreational drug use, and overly misguided-attitudes toward sexual promiscuity among many black males all directly contribute to their being eliminated from the shrinking pool of suitable mates for black women. As an indirect consequence and illustration, the employment rate for African-American males as a whole is currently at a record low 56.9% (“Employment Rate for Black Men at Record Low,”). With so few holding full time and/or gainful employment, many cannot simply bring anything to the table with regards to being a potential mate (this is however, not meant to imply that the behavior of black males alone is the cause of high unemployment among this demographic. Even among those who do not engage in criminal activity, having completed their educations, or who have productive mindsets, obtaining a job can be every bit as daunting [due to bias] as trying to catch a taxi in a large city…especially with so many once male-dominated jobs having been lost due to the recent economic downturn).

Even among upwardly mobile black males, including college graduates, political and sports figures, and self-made entrepreneurs, there is a level of thinking which embraces a warped sense of responsibility with regards to self-perceptions of manhood. Characterized by promiscuity, hyper-competitiveness, and self-centeredness, these relatively successful black males know that they are among the most (materially) sough-after and desired by black women, so they adopt a somewhat similarly casual approach toward relationships…but without the live-for-today abandon of their urban-mindset male counterparts. Instead, there is a selfish withdrawal from community and familial responsibility that one would almost come to expect from black males seeking to grasp hold of long-term stability and material security. Nowhere near as many are involved with youth mentoring, community/civic activism, or even a local house of worship or religious group as should be, given their obvious socioeconomic ambitions. And for some of these black males, the option of non-black women is preferable to dealing with the drama” of “angry black women” that black male indifference helped to create. According to a 2008 survey performed by the Pew Research Center, more than twice as many black men married someone of another ethnicity as black women—some 22% compared to 8.9%.

But this negative casual mindset—casual sex, casual illegal drug use, and the casual attitude towards life—is not confined to the “ghetto” subculture. Even among some materially successful black males, counter-productive attitudes and belief systems glorify a distorted view of masculinity and/or a criminal mindset, most widely understood as a “thug mentality.” Rappers and other entertainers not only portray this negative imagery through their music and associated music videos, but even go so far as to promote themselves through their self-owned companies and record labels with names like Death Row Records and Murder, Inc.. And with many young (and in some cases, older) African-American women attracted to the trappings—both tangible and intangible—of this hyper-macho and negative image of the black male, what man can or even wants to consider such an image-driven black woman as a serious potential life partner? Under such a distorted regime, black males can afford to love-‘em-and-leave-‘em—babies and all—repeatedly. If this isn’t true, then why are upwards of 70% of black children born to single mothers (“Black Struggle with 72 Percent Un-Wed Mother Rate.” and “Too Long Ignored”?)

The result for the black community is one of astonishing socio-economic pathologies. In addition to the 70% of black women who remain single, and the 72% of children born to single parents, African-Americans have the lowest marriage rate of any ethnic group in America. According to information supplied by the 2010 U.S. Census, some 41.9% of black women and 43.3% of black men have never been married. Taken together with the divorce rate and unavailability of what could be considered “marriage material” men, it’s easy to understand why so many black women remain not just unmarried, but single. But the black woman herself has just as much complicity in her own lack of [a] stable relationship.

While black men were engaging in unproductive, chest-beating Alpha Male behavior, African-American women became more susceptible to mainstream feminist ideology, for better or worse. The more positive of these of these beliefs gave black women the motivation to compete socially, politically, and ultimately economically with their black male counterparts. Coming on the heels of the Civil Rights Movement, the feminist movement resulted in the exposing and shunning of those individuals and institutions practicing gender bias, and allowed black women to enroll in schools, enter the job market and ultimately gain economic power. And in some areas such as education, eventually surpassing the lagging black male (National Center For Educational Statistics. But along with this progress has come an attitude of entitlement possessed by many successful black women which doesn’t reflect the reality with the black community. Now admittedly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having high personal standards, but (again, we’re not going to agree so please save the out-of-hand disagreements) exceedingly high standards which don’t conform to the reality or the numbers are simply the delusions of fantasy or romance novels. But the problem is, simply put, that success has gone to the heads of many black women, most of whom do not realize that they owe their career success in part to the bias some “good” (a relative term to be sure) black men face when it comes to seeking employment, walking through a store without being tailed by loss reduction personnel, or even just staying out of the criminal justice system on a daily basis.

Many have formulated mindsets which are as every bit as counter-productive as those which black males possess, which prevent fomenting solid relationships. And despite their protestations against being single, most find themselves so by virtue of having the following mindsets:

They’re Angry.

Yes, I know black women are going to deny this one, but ask nearly every black male and you will hear this as a common complaint. While it’s true that black women have a right to be angry given how many have concluded that the black man has not done what he’s supposed to do in order to secure his own happiness and that of the black family, but as the saying goes, Two wrongs don’t make a right. Black women are angry because highly successful black men such as athletes, CEOs, lawyers, and others with socially prestigious positions are opting to choose a wife of another ethnicity. They’re angry because black men don’t worship the Church of Tyler Perry and his black male off-putting productions. And because smart black men don’t want to spend hard-earned money to see his latest take on how black men are unrepentant monsters who subjugate black woman at every turn…which he disguises as well-intentioned “interpretations” of “black male-female relationships.” They’re angry because black men are not considering an education as a way toward personal uplift at the same levels black women do. Ok. But exactly how is being a bitch and copping an attitude going to change that bit of reality? Yes, its understood that many black women wear the title of bitch with a perverse sense of honor, as it symbolizes that they’re not willing to be taken for granted or walked over by men. But most of these same women have confused being needlessly attitudinal with “being assertive,” and they are not one in the same. Being assertive is defending one’s position verbally by way of stating a counter-position, a conclusion based on reason and contributing intelligently to a conversation. Being needlessly attitudinal and mouthy is speaking out of emotion…responding to everything someone says that’s not liked simply because one has a mouth and a protected freedom of speech. The type black woman who feels that she can say what she wants and tells a man that she’s the one who will be running things because she is accomplished and “doesn’t need a man,” is the type of woman who should expect to be single.

If Simply put, men want someone who is nice to them. No one wants to hear about their faults 24/7. And they don’t want to hear about a woman’s accomplishments, ad nauseum.

They’re Every Bit as Shallow as Men

…the only difference is that black women are far better at framing their prejudices as “preferences.” I’ve lost track of how many women have asked me, “How tall are you?” Others simply come out and tell you that they “Want a tall man…at least 6ft.” Now for the record, I am exactly 6ft tall, but a height requirement is an insane requisite for a mate. To be blunt, if all black men opted for a weight requirement, many black women would fail to meet that requirement. People who live in glass houses…

If you ask black men who similarly complain about not being able to find a suitable female mate, most would say that black women have impossible standards, although many black women would deny this. The funny thing though is that the reality of their singlehood does not bear this out. Whether exceedingly successful or not, most black women all want the same man…tall, dark, educated, articulate accomplished, fatherless (although to their credit, many black women have overlooked the latter requirement; finding a childless single male of a marriageable age is a tall order), with just a hint of “thug in him” (read: street smart). Furthermore, he needs to be a beast in bed, willing to engage her sense of romance (or fantasy), listen to her intensively, share an interest in her interests, love her friends, bend steel with his bare hands, walk on water, leap tall buildings in a single bound, and possess a rapper’s “swagger” about him (that’s street-level “charisma” for the uninitiated). Simply put, black women want too much.

Not only have black women convinced themselves that this archetype black male is not some romanticized figment of their imaginations—that he in fact exist—but have managed to keep company with those friends and acquaintances who have convinced them that what they ask for is not too much. These are the character traits of a reluctant serial dater, not a potential wife or a steady long-term mate.

The bottom line is the only true measure of a potential mate is character.

Many black women like to claim that I don’t want/like thugs when it comes to choosing a potential mate, but that is not what the numbers or the personal experiences of many black men bare out.

To Be Concluded...

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Comments 116 comments

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

Very interesting hub!

Here are the main issues as I see it from a black man’s perspective. There is too much “blame game” being played between the sexes.

If you go to the store to buy an apple but purchase an onion instead…whose fault is that? Each of us of chooses our own friends, lovers, and spouse. (No escaping this fact.)

In addition there is a lot of animosity and lack of trust ingrained in both sexes as children by parents and other adults.

Being shortsighted leads to making bad choices with regard to education, dating, and bearing children. As a young man I heard some black women say they love dating “thugs”. Not many thugs are going to have quality education, 401k, or job stability for that matter.

Another issue is using a “cop out” example: “Men are intimidated by my success.” Really? Oprah (Billionaire) and Ursula Burns (CEO of Xerox Corp.) have men in their lives just to name two. hmmmm How is that possible?

Mistakenly believing that having a nasty attitude, being loud, rude, or short-tempered means she is a “strong woman”. No positive guy wants an angry negative woman.

Last but not least there are those that (unrealistically) expect “the world” from a man while they themselves have next to nothing to offer. “Don’t expect to sit next to the moon unless you are a star!”

One man’s opinion! :-)


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 5 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

...and it's a very valid opinion, just as many black males. It's an issue of both sides having complicity. The conslusion should be up later in the week.


Angiekinz profile image

Angiekinz 5 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

Black women are single because, as a race, they still refuse to date any racial group except Black men. Both Black men and women are the results of a seriously deteriorated sense of self and cultural identity. However you don't EVER hear about the rate of single Black men in America. This is because it is accepted for Black men to date other races. The tide is turning very slowly, but it is turning nonetheless. Everyday, more and more Black women start dating outside of the Black race.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

Beyond Politics, I'm looking forward to part 2. :-)

Angiekinz,(comment) "Black women are single because, as a race, (they still refuse to date any racial group except Black men)."

Your comment pretty much admits that each of us has a "choice".

I suspect those that are looking for "thug love" will never venture outside of their race no matter what. The reason why it is "accepted" for black men to date outside of their race is because men in general don't care what other people think when it comes to dating. Not all that long ago a black man could be hung for "looking at a white woman". None the less Fredrick Douglass had a 20+ year affair with Ottilie Assing (half German/Jew) during the 1800s and later married Helen Pitts (another white woman) in 1884. Naturally he got heat from both blacks and whites. Douglass responded by saying:

“My first wife was the color of my mother, my second is the color of my father”

Clearly he realized "his life" was his life to live. He didn't wait for permission or "acceptance" to date or marry whomever he chose. Black women don't need the "approval" of society to date other races. On a side note I recently read an article where a black woman stated she believed white men were "afraid" to date black women based upon the stereotypes perpetrated in the media. When it's all said and done there are almost 7 Billion people on the planet and if someone can't somebody to date they need to take a good look at themselves. Being alone is a choice.

Beyond Politics, I'll keep my eye for part2 of this very interesting subject!


a black male 5 years ago

Dude, I just read both parts of this and your statement about black women and church is right on point!!! They don't know about anything other than that bible, and they are the worst ones!! They lie and play games better than men but hide behind the church!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 5 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

ABM, I can't argue with you...I couldn't agree more (personal experiences)


P-dub 5 years ago

The facts: Most married Black men still marry Black women. Athletes,lawyers, ect, are included


David Lantz 5 years ago

I agree with much of what you've said. I would, however, refer you to Charles Murray's book, Losing Ground: Social Welfare Policy, 1950-1980. In that book, he looks at welfare policy that rewarded divorce/never getting married via the "man in the house" rule for AFDC. After several decades of the effects of that policy, changing welfare in 1997 could not stop the "second generation" affects you discuss in your piece.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 5 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

I would add that it was partially the social welfare policy. In addition, it was the subsequent (and current) feminization and marginalization of traditionally masculine values in America. Men have become second-class citizens in some ways in the current pop-culture environment.


davenstan profile image

davenstan 4 years ago

Great hub. You brought out a great point about being angry. I was one of those angry black females. When I got healing for why I was angry I was able to know how to identify a good man. I am not single or angry anymore.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 4 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Thank you.


Trish 4 years ago

Woow. I'm speechless. I guess I'll be alone forever, I refuse to just settle and I'm really really not going to be doing any interracial dating.


roxannel7490 4 years ago

Why is it that black and mexican woman can't seem to get themselves on birth control? Seriously, you're dead set on getting pregnant and raising a bastard. You can get birth control for free. This is why you are so disrepected...


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 4 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Well, your statement has a little bias in it...I have seen plenty of non-minority women (i.e., white) women who engage in the same practice. My answer...if you cannot afford birth control, you cannot afford to have a child.


MundaneMondays 4 years ago

Black Women are picky, that's what i think i mean look at what happens

you have to be in shape (nothing wrong with that)

you have to have a good job

nothing's the matter but when you get to the nitty gritty..

size matters

teeth matters

this matters ...i was in the south a girl told me she dosent like a dude who's to light ..or too dark cause her baby will be dark.. i mean ...settling is bad ..but when you're too picky you end up alone ...which is why their there


Tiffany 4 years ago

Wow! I like this article and all comments are eye openers for me. All have a point and in today's society it is hard to blacks, minoritys as a people and it adds more stress when we attack each other knowing we need each other. I too am a single black female 30 years old, educated, no children. i have dated outside my race and of course my black counter parts hated me for it but hey I love men period. As I grew older I love my Black men with a passion even through all the drama and negative vibes I love them. They need love, but some don't know how to accept love in their life because they have been dealt bad hands when it came down to the matters of the heart. I love dashingscorpio and Angikinz comments. I personally am tired of dating and want children before my eggs expire but as I look around there aren't many good counter parts to choose from


Tiffany 4 years ago

Continue... Many men expect a woman to accept just anything from him and why would I trust myheart and or the life of my future children in the hands of an unstable being who has yet to grow on a mental level. I grew up with a father who was selfish and still yet has to grow-up mentally. I don't want to bring a child or children in the world for that matter in an unstable relationship. I want them to have better than I had growing up. I had neither parents in my life due to immaturity. i have every right to want the best for myself but some think I'm picky or I'm goint to grow old an lonely because I want better for myself. I don't expect a man to be SUPERMAN. I just want to be able to depned on him and know that he has my back and I his. Someone who loves being around me and loves me with pure intentions. I have so many things to offer.. I'm very humorous, I have so many layers to me, im smart, beautiful, and spiritual.. Oh and yes to agree with you Beyond-Politics there are a lot of bittered church going women and im so glad I left the hell hole I was in. It was like I was being groomed to step on men's neck. No Way! im a lover by nature zand some of the church's do lead by very bad examples and personally I wouldn't dare go to a so called church of God where bitter old cranky women dwell for advice. LOL!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 4 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Thank you for reading with an open mind!


HandsomeRandyBlackLadBrad1953 3 years ago

Sure,most black women LOVE thugs,but remember what the VAST MAJORITY look like-DISGUSTINGLY OBESE!!!Add their b***hy attitudes and cutting,emasculating tongues and over-bearing personalities,and small wonder we life-size Brad dolls-from 1968-'72,Brad was Barbie's then-beau Ken's

handsome black buddy;in my case,I'm a 59-year-old black Canadian lad with boyish good looks,a muscular build-

I'm 5'9",209 lb.,with 181/2" biceps-and a love of Country music,dance,and wearing cowboy clothes-prefer buxom blondes and Latinas!!!!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

HandsomeRandyBlackLadBrad1953:

I was actually considering not allowing your response, but I have rarely censored anyone's opinion on my writings (or "rantings" as some may call them). I believe everyone has a valid opinion. That having been said, I have to take issue with your assertion that "the VAST MAJORITY look like-DISGUSTINGLY OBESE!!!" Granted, obesity is an issue which crosses ALL ethnic differences here in the states, and indeed many black women do have weight problems, it smacks of ethnocentrism to judge black women by the cultural and beauty standards of another ethnic group; each ethnic group have their own individual distinctions (such as big butts on black women). Yes, I have to agree to a great extent about the "b***hy attitudes and cutting,emasculating tongues and over-bearing personalities," but remember that there are always some exceptions to the rule.


monas1418 3 years ago

I read both articles with an open mind, my reasonings for dating out of my race has been for the most part, shared interest books, movies, plays all things cutural, I have found the black men that I dated didn't want to part take in them, I would mention an excellent show. ex.. Savion Glover, he told me and I quote.. That some girl stuff, those are not the words he used, but I think you get my point. Remember all of the things black men hate in us WE hate them in you as well. What I've learned in my life the older I get, is a huge dealbreaker is PRIDE/SWAGGER!!! FOR ME!!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Monas, thank you for your input (and for reading with an open mind). As a former Buddhist, current agnostic, a non-smoker/drinker/drug-user, and someone not interested in "clubbing/bar-hopping," loves learning, science fiction, and politics, I can totally identify with the inability to find a partner at least open to someone things outside their own narrow experiences. As for "swagger," I think you should read another post from me, "Is Anyone Else Sick & Tired of Swagger?" http://hubpages.com/politics/Is-Anyone-Else-Tired-...


Klj555 3 years ago

I prefer to date white males, however when I do find a black man I like he seems to want to play a game of guess if I like you or not. I do not have time or the energy for that mess!!!I am an educated black female not seeking anyone perfect or rich, just someone to love and unfortunately black men know they have so many choices. They are not interested in a committed relationship because they feel they don't have to be. Unfortunately slave mentality still exists in our culture, do as u are taught


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

HandsomeRandyBlackLadBrad:

You have muscles, 18 1/2 in. biceps, and likes blondes, music, dance, cowboy clothes! That's nice, but do you work? You are 59 and talking like this about Black women! You are angry. Learn some respect because you are a senior citizen and should set an example for proper behavior.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

roxannel7490,

You said, "Why is it that black and mexican woman can't seem to get themselves on birth control? Seriously, you're dead set on getting pregnant and raising a bastard. You can get birth control for free. This is why you are so disrepected..."

I do not think that Black women feel a burden for getting your respect. Black women do have too many illegitimate babies; but they do not lead the world in prostitution, adult and child pornography, animal mating (bestiality), and other filth. You know who do, so chew on that. Realize that all people sin. Now, talk about disrespecting Black and Mexican women! You don't have a case.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Beyond-Politics:

I believe that there is no one, two, or three reasons why many Black women are single. There are many and most are never considered. Should every woman get married? No. What percentage of single Black women is just not interested in marriage? What percentage of single Black women is lesbians? What percentage is retarded or have other serious mental problems? What percentage has a serious illness and cannot marry? AIDS and cancer do exist. What percentage has physical dysfunctios that prevent them from being a sexual partner. If you discount these women, which you should if you could, you would be surprised at the remaining percentage of single Black women who want to marry and cannot find suitable mates; it is lower than you think. I am hitting on some issues that people do not like to talk about. Many women with these problems will remain in the rank of single women who cannot find men because they are not filtered. These problems do exist.

Some women are waiting for the right man and the right time. Some are waiting to fall in real love that leads to marriage. Some refuse to lower their standards. Black men, overall, need to raise their standards like some who need a step up from thugdom, social sex, etc. Many Black men are very intelligent but they drop out of school and opt for a meager income and life. We Blacks do not need to lower anything else! We need to lift ourselves and each other. Fathers need to love and support their children. Both sexes need to calm down. We need to swallow our pride and anger and listen.


HandsomeBlackCaveladBrad195 3 years ago

Levertis Steele,trust me,I respect those who deserve it.(Respect cannot be DEMANDED,it must be COMMANDED!!!!)That said,I've no wish to engage in a wits war to which I bring a battalion and you-and your like a few fat broads.(Of course,knowing fat broads as I do,they may eat the battalion's rations,starve the lad and win!!!!LONG LIVE LONG-HAIRED,DARK-SKINNED,BUXOM,LEGGY BLACK

LADY JANE BOMBS BETWEEN 26 AND 40!!!!)


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

My article (both parts) was not an attempt to give an exhaustive list of the factors contributing to the reason why so many black women are single. I was merely trying to point out that (1) both parties are responsible, (2) that there are factors at work outside of individual decisions and personalities, and (3) and to provide a basis for dialogue without the Tyler Perish allusion that men are the villain, and women are the blameless victims. I also attempted to do so without emotional or ideological biases and/or personal beliefs (my personal belief is that many women harbor unattainable standards for men, such as height--are you kidding me?--and men tend to harbor unrealistic expectations for women, such as expecting a woman to put up with his indiscretions).


monas1418 3 years ago

I totally agree with everything your saying, it really takes two, You have to know when and how to turn things on and off. The whole dynamics to relationships and mating has changed some say for the bad to the worse, It really depends on the indviduals and what they both want and need. I'm in total agreement with you brother!!


India 3 years ago

I wish all the stereotypes would just stop. Im a black woman. I will admit Im not typically attracted to men under 5'9.But I don't listen to or like rap music therefore i don't want a man with "rap swag " in fact I prefer an atheist man who loves any music but rap and country music. I prefer an i intellectual nerdy type who is just a little bit goofy and akward. Pretentious men never impressed me. I also like Tyler Perry's work,yes I think he's funny but I much prefer a man who doesn't "get" Tyler Perry. I also love film but I prefer independent films and would rather be intellectually or cerebrally challenged when I read a book or watch a film. I don't understand sports but I think its fun to snuggled up and watch with my guy. So yes I wish all the stereotypes would just stop. Not all black woman like the same thing in a man. I personally don't care if my man is lower middle class as long as he's funny educated and loves knowledge.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

You're right...stereotyping has something to do with these issues. But on the other side, many black people are conformist-minded to a fault...where they don't readily accept others for who THEY are; always expecting other black people to fit some mentally-held mold. I use myself to illustrate this point: I am a proud "nerd" by most contemporary standards. I love sci-fi, graphic novels, books (my best "friends"), history, politics, Old School Pop & R&B, and simply learning for the sake of learning. I am agnostic, can't stand Tyler Perry productions, don't understand America's fanaticism toward sports, and think facts are more important than feelings. However, unless a black man's Bible-thumping, "swag"-possessing, image-conscious, rap-music-loving, pants-sagging, "considerate," chest-beating, overly tattooed "thug" wannabe (or some not-so-extreme variation of this image), he's not considered desirable by the majority of black women.


Shika 3 years ago

I'm from Africa and every time I read such articles, I get a bit annoyed. Black w0men from all over the word are different, african american women DO NOT behave the same as African European women or African women...We are all different and it would be so much better if people would stop using the words black women do this and that when the right word that should be used should be african american women do this and that. All this stereotyping makes us black women from other continents look bad in front of people (sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm a french speaker)


Shika 3 years ago

The title should be changed to Why Are So Many African American Women Single


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Thank you for your input. I stand corrected. I totally understand your point, and you are right...African-American ARE distinct from black women in general.


Carmen 3 years ago

I chose not to get married because I will never settle for less that I want, a lazy, lying, dirty, cheating man regardless of race. I rather spend the rest of my life alone. Plus having a child is not all that children breaks your body chemistry down. I am a black woman proud.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

OOooookay


Beth 3 years ago

I understand very much black men are dog, they choose not to respect their women or their children. you go girl. That is why white trash strip them to nothing. It does not pay to go date uneducated men from any race.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

If you truly believed that "black men are dog," and that "it does not pay to date uneducated men from any race," then you would agree that both uneducated men and dogs are in any race also...


Debi777 3 years ago

However, unless a black man's Bible-thumping, "swag"-possessing, image-conscious, rap-music-loving, pants-sagging, "considerate," chest-beating, overly tattooed "thug" wannabe (or some not-so-extreme variation of this image), he's not considered desirable by the majority of black women.

You say "majority of black women." How do you know this is true? I am a black woman and I have no interest at all in this type of man. I do believe I can speak this much for many black women. Since your comments are not backed by empirical data to support your hypothesis, it is invalid and cannot be taken seriously by anyone who is an informed individual. But fortunately in America, anyone with a pen and an opinion is free to voice their rhetoric however untrue, stereotypical or biased.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

The old, "how do you know most/all women are..." is a jaded and played-out response. There is enough anecdotal experience with most black men to know that women are image-conscious when it comes to men and to where we can make realistic extrapolations of numbers (akin to survey samples). I personally have yet to meet a woman who DOESN'T acknowledge that she desires a man "with a little thug in him." Either you're assuming women don't have any complicity in their own singlehood (if I can mangle such a word for this purpose), or you're clearly allowing your own pro-woman bias to blind you to viewing things more objectively. Emotions are a poor substitute for reason my dear. What you think, and what men experience are clearly two different things.


Princeton 3 years ago

umm wut. This is sad. I'm not even sure anyone understands exactly how counter-productive this entire article and all its comments are. Decoding the complex web of stupid behind the "why are black women single?" idea will take a lot of brain power and many dissertations (as someone once told me) to sort out. That said, I will simply say that assigning blame to anyone, black women or black men, misses the point. I think the problem lies almost entirely in the vomit soup that is racism/sexism in America. You touch on it briefly in the beginnings of both articles through well-known, insightful facts about incarceration/education, then completely veer off-course into silliness. WHYYY?? I argue that the issues stops there! Everything you mention in the subsequent paragraphs are simply symptoms of the current system that exist today. Also, may I please say that none of the things you mentioned about black women are bad things! They are only perceived that way due to sexism. I will attempt to re-explain your article from my perspective. I hope it makes sense.

There needs to be a more in depth assessment into what these institutionalized structures of racism are doing psychologically to our men, and how, if at all the emotional damage is bleeding into their interpersonal relationships with women. Black women are not to blame for the alleged "emasculation" of men. That is created by real-word manifestations of racism as previously stated. These institutions are designed to keep black men powerless, because black male masculinity is the biggest perceived threat to white men.

It is true that black men view black women as a source of economic competition, which is bad for relationships, but only in our sexist society. The submission of women has been and still is the primary source of male "masculinity." This is why other races can still stick together: because there are structures in place that force female submission even as more women go into the work force. Unequal pay is one, training both men and women for female subordination is another. There is a reason why women of other races are not perceived as aggressive: it is because they were conditioned to subordinate themselves to their men since the day they were born. By the time they are of marriageable age, it is an unconscious knee-jerk reaction. Yes it gets them men, but I will never argue that this is a good thing. I actually think that when black people stop desperately clinging to the gender roles America holds in front of their faces like a piece of meat, but won't let them attain, the black family will regroup.

Racism affects black men more than anyone else on the planet. They are emasculated from the get go and this hinders their ability to conform to white standards of what it means to be a man. They overcompensate by hyper-masculine displays: they kill each other, they sleep around, they commit crimes. Hence, the single moms.

A fatherless home means the woman is both the "man" and the "woman." This is why black women do not conform to societal standards of what a good (aka submissive) woman should be. Because there is no sexist patriarchy in place to begin with within the black community, black women cannot be taught to be submissive. They do want they want and say what they want. Black women are really the only true feminists (you are right here), and I think this is pretty cool. There is nothing wrong with our black feminists, but you pair them with the already emasculated male in a sexist society and things get messy. Like I already said, the submission of women is what gives men their balls. Take that away from someone who already got his pair cut off and... you get an unorthodox relationship. I will not say that this dynamic is bad because I don't believe it. I will say however, that in our society, where the white ideal is the norm and patriarchy is part of that white ideal, this is frowned upon. Both the black woman and the black male do not conform to the white standard, they catch shit for it, they internalize it, blame each other and POOF you have your entire article in a nutshell.

Tl;dr: blame white society not each other


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

As you yourself said...the issue is a complex series of factors. But to not acknowledge our complicity in what happening is not only unreal, but defies reality. People can be be influenced to act a certain way or carry out a certain action...but the reality is that we still have to decide to do what we do. Free will and conscious thought are still factors (e.g., you were potty-trained by your parents not to use the bathroom on yourself, but you STILL have to decide not to). To blame everything on racism is just as silly as you say my article is.


monas1418 3 years ago

Princeton, I'm really sick and tired of hearing the white man, submission, emasculating black men, this argument is old.. it's about responsibility, and me as a black woman that's what I did, took responsibility, took other options with my life and started dating men of other races, and guess what, I don' regret it or I don't feel guilty, none of the above, what I have done is kept it moving... I'm not saying this is the solution, not at all, I'm saying opening yourself up to different way of life..


the blame game 3 years ago

I think Princeton is the only one that hit the nail on the hammer. Too many articles blame black women for them being single and most of the time it's articles like this written by black men, which i guess since it's a black man writing the article, makes people think that, “oh yeah, if Black women weren’t so nasty, rude and fat, they would get a many to marry them.”

I don’t understand the whole ‘blame it on black American-women’ attitude. I mean, let’s break it down. Are black women the only ones who have bad attitudes? Are black women the only ones who are obese? Are black women the only one who are pursuing higher education and better employment? If everything you said in your article were true, then black-American men wouldn’t be dating and marrying white women, Hispanic women and everything else that isn’t black.

I’m sorry but although you used a lot of nice eloquent words to make your claim, you didn’t really say anything that is different from all those misguided bitter black American men on youtube who hate black women so much but spend a lot of their time obsessing about them and making videos to let the world know how vile black women are.


the blame game 3 years ago

I would say that there are many racist and sexist reasons why black American women are single. A lot of them have to do with direct and indirect policies that encourage institutional racism but I think a lot more has to do with cultural assessment. There was a time when black American men and women stuck together. There was a time when it was a big deal to see a black American man dating a white women but somehow a shift started and the ideal beauty for black American men no longer was the image of black women. Even though many people disregard rap as trash, it has done a lot to uplift the black American socio-economic class. It is because of rap that we have so many black millionaires and almost billionaires. That means we are almost at the point where we have power to delegate how we want to be perceived. Now with that being said, when rap was in its infancy, the women in their videos were mostly black and they were seen as beautiful. However, now that rap has become a multi-billion dollar industry, it’s very rare to see a black women represented as beautiful. If a black woman is in a music video, you only see her body parts whereas, other races of women and portrayed as the girl to desire.

I am becoming too verbose, so I want to drive home these points. There are many reasons why a lot of black American-women are single, mostly it has to do with institutional racism and sexism, incarceration rate of black men and the war on drugs and most importantly black American man simply having a lot of self-hatred and not wanting to marry or date black women. If I don’t like grass because it’s green, it’s not the grass’ fault, it’s main because I have a bias. We need to stop continuing to give black American man a pass and put the blame where it rightfully belongs. For the sake of argument, let’s say that most black women do have attitudes and that prevents black men from marrying them, how come most black men from other countries don’t have a problem marrying and dating black women? Even more, it’s easy to tell black women to date outside their race because that would imply that other men in other races are equally eager to date black women. Unfortunately the stereotype of the ghetto, rude, domineering black women hasn’t escaped them and they too aren’t as eager to marry or date black women. Also, don’t forget pure, simply, good ol’ racism, many people are still very racist so dating outside your race is easily said than done.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you read both parts of my posting. I actually indicated that both black men, black women, as well as elements of society holds equal amounts of complicity in so many black women being single. I take offense whenever pounces and assumes that black men cannot be objective when making such assessments. Tyler Perry has built a small empire on putting forth the notion that black men are simply the single biggest cause of emotional and relationship-related issues for black women, yet most black women seem to gravitate to his predictable and sub-par productions and defend his work as "a reflection of what relationships are/should be." By THAT standard, if I had written that "it's all the black man's fault," most black women would be singing my praises.

I was watching Steve Harvey's show the other day (Lord knows why...I was turning the channel, as I don't do talk or "reality" TV), and he had a young, fairly attractive black woman on who portrayed herself as "smart" and "accomplished," but she kept making the same "mistake" of going after the "bad boy," which she said she desired because of the "excitement." It seems to me that black women (and women in general) cannot generally complain about (black) men until they start making better choices. "Blaming Whitey" and "his brainwashing" is no longer a valid option. As I said in an earlier response, your parents taught you to use the bathroom/potty-trained you, but YOU make the conscious decision to use the bathroom. Free will is STILL the bottom line.


monas1418 3 years ago

Far as still blaming WHITEY, well that was one of the reason that I have gravitated to dating other races, I got tired of hearing the same song and dance, it's not that I'm finished with black men, again Black women are going to have to open up their options. The blamegame didn't read anything!! if he did he would see that Beyond-Politics showed both side of the coin..


Evans4life profile image

Evans4life 3 years ago

I was directed to your article because it is listed as similar content on my article on Hubpages "How Can I Get A God-Sent Husband, I'm Tired of Waiting". Please read and share. I think that we have a social disfuction in the Black community. The traditional families of two parents are gone. The babies who were having babies 30 years ago- those babies are now grown and have their babies are so on. It is a perpetual crisis. Black women are not trained by parents to date, to wait, to be pursued. Succesful black women, like myself, have a hard time because many black men don't have a good role model at home because they are raised by single black women...many are in jail, gay and the best get swiped up quickly. Then the rest won't commit and try to have their cake and eat it too. It's tough for accomplished black women. Thank God I waited and waited and now am married. But it was a long road. Please read my article.


JewelryBlogger profile image

JewelryBlogger 3 years ago from Australia

Great read. Everything you've explained makes sense to me.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

African ladies:

It is not a bad thing to be a Black single woman in America or anywhere else! Saying "Black women are single" makes you look bad? There is no law against being single here.

We all know that every continent, country, and nation has its many downsides, and there is no need to pretend that they do not exist or go through them. There is no perfect people or country. So, if one looks bad, so do the rest.

To prevent confusion, I am speaking of USA.

When Black female actresses act silly in a movie, for example, they must be dipicting all black women (stereotype), but when other races act silly, they are just acting. Lucille Ball was one of the funniest women in show business, but I do not imagine all White women working in a pastry shop and clumsilly making big messes instead of doing their jobs right. When I watched the Movie THE BLACK DHALIA, I did not assume that all White women were ladies of the evening. I never thought that all White men were like The Darlings or Ernie T. Bass. They were great entertainers! :D Tyler Perry is in show business. Surely we know the difference between exaggerated acting and reality. Madea is hilarious! I enjoy Tyler's shows. The way people think is the way they choose to think.


Ruchi Urvashi profile image

Ruchi Urvashi 3 years ago from Singapore

Eye opener article. I was not aware of all these issues that black women face. I would say that each woman need to stand up for themselves. Instead of being angry, the best solution is peaceful assertion.


GwennyOh profile image

GwennyOh 3 years ago from LaLa Land

I have little or no opinion on the topic itself due to the fact that as I was reading, my mind floated away to another place. I wish to share the thought that came to mind while 'floating'...

Being fat is not a crime. Being beautiful or perfect by society's standards is not a necessity. It is not right by spirit to judge others, whether they be of the same race or another. That said, who am I to say...

But these black ladies that have found their defenses in their self presentation, that to you may come across as bitchiness, well all the more power to them.

What is the truth of what you are saying... that black males don't like strong women? That it's good that black women reject them because they are fat and mouthy anyway?

I reject all of that, I have a theory...

Black people all came from somewhere else other than the USA , I mean in terms of the peoples they descended from; I am not suggesting that they all came here by aeroplane or boat.

Even though they are welcome here, they don't fit yet. They are within a process of figuring out who they are. They certainly are no longer slaves. They are moving forward in society and don't want to be treated as less than those that brought them here.

I can imagine that finding one's place within a society that once held them captive is not without pressures. I don't know what I would become within such circumstance. Would I have a big attitude? Likely. Would I have a huge arse? Who knows. The more to love so why not.

Love everyone equally.

Whether you believe it or not at this point... we are all one.

Blessings xx


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Levertis, you'd be amazed at the number of people who can't tell the difference between "entertainers" and reality. That's why Tyler Perry's plays/movies enjoy such a large following among black women...his crap touches as resonate chord among his audience...to the detriment of men (of course, WE'RE the source of all things that make black women miserable according to his movies). Ruchi Urvashi, great advice. Like I like to say, "Don't raise your voice, improve your argument."


Grace-Wolf-30 profile image

Grace-Wolf-30 3 years ago from England

African American ladies have two things going against them. They have a darker skin tone in a racist society, and they are women in a mans world. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. These are strong and assertive women who command respect and it takes a very special and unique man to be deserving of them. This is why they are single, because there are not very many men who are worthy of them.

What are the statistics for American Caucasian/Hispanic/Asian/European ladies?

And why should people only 'mate' with those who are of the same 'race' as them? Where are the other American men in this article?

I come from a family with a rich background. My Aunt is Jamaican, my cousins are Jewish, my husband is African. I hate seeing people labelled because of the color of their skin. Why do African American women need to be analysed and researched because they choose to be single?

If African/Caucasian/Hispanic/Asian/European etc American ladies choose to be single, it's nobodies business but theirs.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Beyond Politics:

You wrote, "WE'RE [men] the source of all things that make black women miserable according to his [Tyler Perry] movies."

Our minds do not all work alike, but most Black women with common sense alone know that there are many good Black men out there. Some of us are married to them, related to them, befriend them, or just know them. There are also many lacking in character. The same positive and negative can be said of Black women. Tyler is focusing on the bad/good guys and the bad/good ladies. How many of his ladies had to learn how to relate to their good husbands because of flaws in their (ladies) own characters? Many. He shows faults in both, and pokes fun and exaggerates weaknesses in both. His themes move from serious issues to downright exaggerated comedy and vice versa. Did you see how he treated that Black female character that played around with the White husband in THE FAMILY THAT PREYS TOGETHER? She really looked stupid in the end. Am I to pretend that Black women do not make fools of themselves? Yet, that was serious truth in the name of entertainment. Many of us know that that character could have been any woman in any race. I can see how such shows may have negative effects on some, but to me they are just entertainment.

Because we have experienced so much negativism, many Black people are often overly sensitive and distrustful of others intentions, and sometimes for good reasons.


Astra Nomik profile image

Astra Nomik 3 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

There is a lot of truth in this. We can see how African American guys would find this troubling, but it is also something they are aware of from dating habits of men and women. It works similar for same sex relations. I know from personal experience.

And women of color are looking beyond the limits of their own "kind" because of their expectations. This is not unique to the USA, it is similar for the UK. When expectations are set high, there is a desire to try to attain what seems like the unattainable, for whatever reasons.

Sometimes the unattainable can be achieved. There are women who overcome the negativity and cross some threshold into the beyond. I think there is a big change in values happening now. With more put of work people now than before, and seeing more non-working people of a certain perspective, some women can not be blamed for trying alternative thinking to solving problems. And all the while, the growth of women in the world who spend more effort on pursuing a career over a family increases more. These are times where jobs are more valuable and essential. Women are making priorities. I consider myself lucky enough to have the work career that I want, and the ideal person in my life, (Thank you Fehl) and it totally works for me. I count my blessings.


Emmanuel Marosi profile image

Emmanuel Marosi 3 years ago from Madang, Papua New Guinea

interesting arguments. keep up the good work


jsbst18 3 years ago

Maybe BLACK women are mad because BLACK men or obsessed with BLACK culture? "the BLACK family" needs to think outside of race.


Debi777 3 years ago

My response is emotional and outdated? Hardly so. I'm weary of reading sterotypical articles ABOUT black women and our marriageability or lack thereof. Why can't someone ASK us what we desire? Your arrogant know-it-all attitude towards what black women desire is as I've stated: uninformed. No way that the MAJORITY of college educated and successful women are desiring thugs. That's laughable and misleading but since only an ignorant crass would believe that I'm not offended. Those who can think for themselves know better. We are single because we DON'T WANT a thug for a companion. We are single by CHOICE. Trust that opinion. I would rather read a book every weekend than date a thug and put up with all the ensuing drama among other things. Furthermore, I can afford to date myself, anyday of the week I choose.


Lala101 3 years ago

Hi! i am a single black women in my early twenties. Let me tell you why we are single.

Black women are single because WHITE MEDIA says that ONLY WHITE WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL and WHITE MEDIA brainwashes BLACK MEN to only date black women who look "white" or lighter skin toned races of women BECAUSE WHITE MEDIA is incapable of appreciating black beauty.

WHITE MEDIA also habitually characterizes BLACK WOMEN as NEGATIVE. WHITE MEDIA, does not represent me. The misrepresentation of BLACK WOMEN is what is drilled into the BRIAN of white, black, indian, and asian MEN. THIS IS WHY, THEY ARE BRAINWASHED AND mentally retarded when it comes to looking as a woman with BROWN BEAUTIFUL ANTI-CANCER-SKIN AND BIG BEAUTIFUL AFRO-HAIR and they only think "this is not a Nazi-looking blond hair- blue eye- skinny female, therefore they are incapable of being attracted and courting a black woman respectfully. INSTEAD, THEY WILL GLANCE AT YOU AND FROWN!!! THEY WILL CALL YOU NAMES!!! THEY WILL WRITE IGNORANT ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE.

I am African, black, and beautiful and WORTH THE RING. IF YOUR STUPID RACIST BITCH ASS DOESN'T WANT ME, FUCK YOU. GO TO HELL YOU STUPID WHITE SUPREMACISTS!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Debie777: Sounds emotional to me. Look at YOUR response vs. the response of others in this comment section. Either YOU are right and others are wrong (in which case, that would make YOU "arrogant," not I), or you have some sort of deep, supernatural insights in into the nature of all women (which I doubt). Either way, if you're going to judge, best to use a mirror instead of a pointer because its always easiest to assert that others are the problem instead of ourselves. The problem with Doubting Thomases like yourself is that most of you do not listen or read with the intent to understand, but the intent to reply. Let that message soak in (don't respond...let the message take effect).

Lala101: I am black...sorry to disappoint you (no "white supremacists" here). Just logic and reason...no emotions.


jsbst18 3 years ago

@Lala You are African? Really? I doubt it.

Oh, white media? Others categorizes it as "Jewish Media". It seems that people who lack the ability to help themselves lash out at others as the cause of their situation.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Jsbst, some people (like the previous posters) are clearly in denial. I clearly spoke to both black men and black women being complicit in this social dynamic, but some people are only willing to defend THEIR roles, which makes the other party solely at fault...and simple logic proves that this is simply not true.

Look at Taylor Swift, Halle Berry, and Jennifer Lopez...three very attractive women of three different ethnicities. They have money, success, physical attractiveness...yet look at their track records for relationships. No one--even those in denial--cannot look at them and assume that it's their men who have the issues. Sometimes, you just have to look in the mirror to see truth.


Faye 3 years ago

I was born in the 50's and grew up in the '60's. As a matter of course, I pre-date (pun intended) terms like "thugs," feminisim and so forth. Case studies and empirical data can provide insights into this issue. Also, do not neglect the impact of racism and sexism with regard to relationships.


trusouldj profile image

trusouldj 3 years ago from Indiana

It's always been disheartening when a woman claims she wants a "good man" and chooses a thug instead. Makes a guy like me wonder why I've been coloring inside of the lines all of my life. Like a co-worker of mine was ready to marry a man who drugged her to have sex with her; making explanations for why he did what he did.


Jay 3 years ago

Nice hub..I respect everyones opinion..I'm a Black male mid thirties, no children, gainfully employed, and I've also been a business owner... so im somewhat ambitious... I'm not commenting to claim I have the answers to the topic at hand.. i can only comment based on my experience.. I've been the bachelor, boyfriend, and the Fiance'.. it just seemed like when i was in those relationships... and ive been with all types of black women, and loved them all.. hood and corporate america.. but we argued so much all the time about nothing.. they became less and less attractive to me as time went on.. I opened my business, and instead of trying to help me build.. I'm probably screwing the customer that stopped in 2 weeks ago.. what's frustrating is, ive never given any of the women in my past relationships a reason to be insecure.. maybe ive made questionable choices, or simply bad timing for me.. i love black women so much its sickening(in a very good way).. and i even changed my standards.. i didn't care if she had a child.. but now i cant find one with just ONE "baby daddy".. and with the drama that comes with the fathers, ive reverted back to not dating them if they have children.. as far as numbers, between all of the women with children, the women who have been hurt with baggage, the women who are gay because of abuse or just becuz, the women who don't respect men because their father wasn't in their life, and the women who are already taken, makes it a little difficult for a guy like me find her.. I love black women so much, i wont marry a white woman becuz i'll never give up on you... but i may consider a black woman from a different culture or country...


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Jay, been there, done that (decision-wise that it). Trusouldj, my grandmother (from an earlier generation) used to say, "Never look for someone you love, find someone who loves YOU." Simple advice, but you'd be amazed at how few people are willing to follow it. Too many women make relationships decisions based on feelings rather than facts. Decisions should be made based on what's in one's interests, not what makes one "feels" good.


themmcdonalds@aol.com 3 years ago

I am a successful black woman in my own right, but I can tell you that I feel you are 100% correct in you analysist of the general problem within our race. But, being a Landlady, I am privy to the relationship of my tenants, mostly all of which consists of a Black man and a White woman.

Please believe me when I tell you that the no-hassle relationship ends when they move in together! And quiet as it's kept, when the man is not around, many curse and the children with the F word and everything else that can get out of their mouths, and call the Black man everthing, including Nigger during an intense argument. I have had too man for anyone to tell me that this is NOT THE NORM!! But, be that as it may,

we have to come to some agreement, because I can honestly say that I

remember when White men would give Black women employment and not the Black male. For the writer of this article, if you ever want to engage in further discussions, or promote your ideologies, I will be glad to aid you in anyway possible! You are indeed a brilliant man. Thank you so much!! Send a message to Antonette giving me a way to contact you. God Bless!!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Thank you.


Donbrico 3 years ago

This topic is very interesting! I have MOST of the stereotype most African-American women claim they want which is tall, dark skin, very well built, long well maintained dreadlocks, can cook very well, affectionate, swag, dress well(no pants on my knees), ambitious, pretty much a business man(retail stores), fluent in French, blessed in bed, funny, willing to do anything for my woman, educated, love my son(heaven in my world), not cheap, family oriented, down to earth, very loyal....But I am not perfect like everybody!

Yet, most Black women I have been in the relationship with (African-American) would find a way to destroy the relationship. What I’ve noticed is that most of them are insecure and would chose insecure friends to destroy their relationship (misery loves company or should I say the bucket of the crabs). I’ve been with all kind of sistas (lawyers, doctors, school teacher, secretary, baby mamas, nurse etc…) They all had one thing in common which is the lack of respect for men. I guess the freedom of speech goes through their head.

They want men with all kind of attributes, but yet they can’t bring anything on the table. Men to them are only good for money and sex and that’s why many black relationships do not work. Many do not know how to properly love a man because they grew up in a system where all women in their family (mother, sisters, aunts, cousins) and community (neighbors, friends, friends of friends) have been doing the same kind of thing. So how do you change someone who believes that whatever she is doing is wrong? A CHAIN REACTION!!!

Most of them do not have high standard for themselves and are clueless of the principles of life (discipline, respect, having morals, loyalty, accountability and being responsible) and that brings us to single black mothers. MOST African-American women want to overpower men, control men and OF COURSE have the last word. Keep in mind they want a good man…RIGHT? For every action, there is a reaction! When black women cry that there are no good men….Let me ask you Single black strong independent African American mothers….WHO RAISE THESE SO CALL NOT GOOD MEN? A CHAIN REACTION!!!

Many friends I know do not date black women anymore because they just aint got time for that nonsense of black women trying to be THE MAN in the relationship…Men are born LEARDERS and if you understand that, our race will see more nuclear families (instead blended families), more marriages which build more strong minded children. The most disturbing things I can’t understand about these mothers is that when their kids get to a certain age (15 & up), they get scared of their own children especially the young men (scare to discipline)….yet they are quick to challenge a grown man at any time any day. Well…these kids you can’t discipline are the ones who will soon become men and will be label THERE ARE NO GOOD MEN…these little girls you can’t discipline are the ones popping babies and have no clue how to be a good woman. A CHAIN REACTION!!!

Maybe if you get off the phone gossiping about nonsense all the times and actually research how to be a better lover and better parent, I am pretty sure you will see some result. Maybe if you associate yourself with friends who are real doing it, I am pretty sure you will see result. It does take a rocket scientist to know if more than 60% of you have the same stats….something is definitely wrong and need to be change!!!

But until you are full of excuses….it is what it is!!!.....Again its MOST….Not ALL


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Donbrico,

What you are saying does not add up.

You said, "it is what it is!!!.....Again its MOST….Not ALL"

If it is not all, why weren't you successful with a Black woman among the "not alls"? How many do you need? :D

I think that it is awful that Black women are solely to Blame. Black men have it all together. That is good.

While Black men are leaving Black women alone and looking elsewhere for women, who is impregnating these Black women? Someone needs to look into that too. Someone needs to research it. It is a national wonder. Do you think that black women who want to be men are impregnating themselves? If we focus on what you have reported, one would expect Black women to have fewer babies, but that is not the case, is it? What's happening?


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Many Black men and women love and support the Black race, and each other as men and women. Many Black men are good men first, leaders, great husbands, great fathers, community advocates, successful men, and taxpayers. This alone, anihilates stereotyping.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

I read somewhere once that black men shouldn't become involved with a black woman who wasn't either raised by a father or a father figure. The reason is because a woman who hasn't been raised by a male figure won't have any idea as to what a "good" or "real black man is." The belief is that a black woman who hasn't had the influence of a man during her formative years will have her perceptions skewed by society or other black women whose viewed are also skewed similarly. Perhaps there is some truth to this perspective (we hear this whenever a black woman berates a black man with the phrase, "I need a 'real' man..."


Donbrico 3 years ago

To: Levertis Steele, thank you for responding to my post and I respect your opinion. I find it strange that I posted a long essay lol and the ONLY THING you gathered in it is "it is what it is!!!...Again its MOST...Not ALL." Strange but expected!!! Before I start, let me say this “Black is beautiful” and I looove my black women, the truth never killed anybody. Our constitution protect kids first and then women. So many BLACK women use it to do what they do. In a way the law saying they are the leaders….So when they change, the men will change!!! CHAIN REACTION!!! I suggest you watch “diary of tired black Men”. Every black man can relate.

But to your question “If it is not all, why weren't you successful with a Black woman among the "not alls"? How many do you need? :D” I was the kind of man who dated ONLY black women and was not interested to date outside of my race and that was my weakness. But don’t worry I finally switched and got me a Spanish woman who understand and recognizes the real LEARDER of a relationship. I hope that was a little clear for you. I don’t think most black men who date outside their race think that those women are better, but at one point in life people need to use their common sense and change for the better. We want to settle down and have a family….and a lot of these black women can’t understand that. So the RESPONSIBLE good black men don’t have time to deal with the unnecessary things some of these black women are doing (ain’t nobody got time for that)…like my man Obama said “Change.”

I said MOST…Not ALL because I’m sure there are some GOOD black women out there and those good ones can’t get a good man because of the large quantity of the bad ones. The bads outnumber the goods…Therefore; my Good black men are tired going from bad to another. By the time they are done, they are either exhausted searching or damaged mentally….VICIOUS CIRCLE!!!

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!!….I love my race but the black race is full of excuses in many categories….For example, there is an average of 150 black on black crime EVERY WEEK in the U.S which means 600 hundred EVERY MONTH and multiply that by 12….A lot huh? But yet when another race kills one of us…then we get angry and want justice which is the right thing to do….But what about what we do to each other daily? What about the other lives? Not important? When it is mentioned, some of my black folks would try to find the wrong in my sentences instead of saying wow…what can we do to change that? There are around 1 million people with with hiv/aids and 500 of them are blacks…Yet, many would say at least we are not the only ones or the statistic is not correct. But even if it’s not correct, there is some truth to it...right? We should be like woow…What can we do to change that? But noooo let’s blame someone else for making up false accusations. Being black it’s already hard in our society, so why many of our brothers and sisters covering their entire body with tattoos. Right now it’s considered a new style, but we all know style changes every 5 or 10 years. It is already impossible to find jobs being black…tattoos all over? Excuses after excuses!!! I took many black study classes full of black people in the classroom and that’s how I know about the excuses…Just like most black women who find all kind of excuses to continue with their dysfunctional journey with black men. Instead of saying….woow the percentage is kind of high….what can we do to change that? Nooooooo let’s argue, fight, pop babies and be single and blame everything else but ourselves….Sorry we can’t keep blame the rest of the world anymore for viewing us and treating us the way they do…..

To conclude this, I am going to quote what Beyond-Politics mentioned “I read somewhere once that black men shouldn't become involved with a black woman who wasn't either raised by a father or a father figure. The reason is because a woman who hasn't been raised by a male figure won't have any idea as to what a "good" or "real black man is." The belief is that a black woman who hasn't had the influence of a man during her formative years will have her perceptions skewed by society or other black women whose viewed are also skewed similarly. Perhaps there is some truth to this perspective (we hear this whenever a black woman berates a black man with the phrase, "I need a 'real' man..." This is 100% true!!! If a person never learns how to swim, how can that person swim when the time has come to swim in the ocean (adult world)? Most likely we all know what is going to happen. Like we say in French “L’union fait la force”

Those who read are leaders and those who don’t, are followers!!!


Dani smith 3 years ago

So my mother is black she acts nothing like this, my sister is black she acts nothing like this. In fact she gets bullied an everybody who is black calls her white. They things like "why you so white", she has excellent grammar an instead of complimenting her the first thing they say is "you sound white jazzmayne" they call her the white black bitch, weird and all kinds of names. Nobody who is black wants to be friends with her. And the guys flirt with her one day and treat her like she doesn't exist the next. I don't really think its them in general it's how your raised and whether you live up to the stereotype or not. She's a good girl just not the same I guess what I'm saying is there's that small percent both men and female that prove everyday not all blacks are like that. So please read my comment with an open mind.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Thanks


AntoinetteHughes 3 years ago

You are all wrong. So ignorant. Lies, all lies! My first bf was black and I didn't care about height nor status. My second bf was asian/white and you all lie. The internet is filled with lies that cannot be proven. If this were all true then I would talk to thugs and I don't. STUPID WEBSITE. People like you are so blind. It's like the blind leading the blind. It does not apply to all black women. Stop perpetuating outdated stereotypes. My brother is even accused of "sounding white". There's no such thing. Both my parents hang out with me, as they are both married!


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Now all you other posters, take note of this apparently young and immature "woman" (I use the term loosely). That is how someone sounds when they allow their emotions to run unchecked, when they doesn't read/listen with an open mind (her mind--such as it is--is already made up), and who cannot think beyond her own narrow experiences. Child, the reason we were born with TWO ears and only ONE mouth is so we can listen twice as much as we talk. I congratulate you on doing what should be impossible...working things the other way around. ;)


blackdiamondstudbrad1953 3 years ago

Plus,MOST black broads are DIGUSTINGLY fat,b***hy and off-putting in attitude,so why would a life-size Brad-in the case of Yours Truly,a black Canadian lad,60 (as of July 6) with boyish good looks,a muscular build-I'm 5'9",200-205 lb.with 181/2" arms,a 150-165 IQ-GENIUS LEVEL,FOLKS!!!!-and who's said to resemble a handsome black cowboy stud IN AND OUT of my duds (of course,I'm an avid Country music,dance and rodeo buff) who's MUCH IN DEMAND by much-younger,buxom blondes and Latinas tolerate black women's eternal drama?


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 3 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Blackdiamondstudbrad1953: What was it that Einstein said? "Genius has no personality..."


Raceeee 3 years ago

The New Divide

We have all heard the numbers from CNN to Oprah it seems like black women are finding themselves unable to accomplish the easiest goal that any human being should be able to obtain in life, which is a successful relationship. The Washington post goes on to say that 70% of black women are single; oh by the way which is double that of their white female counter part.

My Thoughts

Wow with so many black women being single one would assume that more “black men would be in demand”, but were not at least not the “average black man”. From the blue collar worker to the small struggling business owner, it seems like the average black man just doesn’t have a chance with his female counterpart. Do you really need to be six feet tall, dark skin, drive a luxury car, dress like an entertainer to get black women?

Why do most black women expect so much? What do you bring to the table other than a degree with a side of attitude? You have what it takes to finish school with an advance degree but you can’t keep another human being happy, so what have you really learned? You can teach a child how to love someone else and respect them.

What’s the reason to gain the entire world but you can’t do one simple thing which is maintaining a successful relationship?

“I’m independent I don’t need a man”, A man help to create you, so how ignorant does it sounds to make such a comment.

"I think black women are the most beautiful women in the world and I’m certain when I’m ready for marriage I will choose to marry a black women, although she may not be form this country she will be black and beautiful."

Peace and Blessings

Race

http://youtu.be/jFpnGI3HcNk


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 3 years ago

Good article from a males mindset.

"Even among upwardly mobile black males, including college graduates, political and sports figures, and self-made entrepreneurs, there is a level of thinking which embraces a warped sense of responsibility with regards to self-perceptions of manhood. Characterized by promiscuity, hyper-competitiveness, and self-centeredness, these relatively successful black males know that they are among the most (materially) sough-after and desired by black women, so they adopt a somewhat similarly casual approach toward relationships…but without the live-for-today abandon of their urban-mindset male counterparts."

I had to amen this because there are many men who feel they have their own business and/or have a little career success and they want to be players for life. I'm like you in your 40's still running the streets because ...........really? Peter Pan, it's time to grow up. LOL.

As far as the dreaded word *itch regarding how some women choose to carry themselves, I have to throw a flag on the play on that one. Please see my article: http://realtalk247.hubpages.com/hub/ABS-If-I-never... I wrote this poem in an effort to try to understand why so many black women are hostile/angry.

Not all black women are mean and angry heaven knows when you are kind/polite/caring the response turns into disrespect. "Oh girl you are so sweet and you are cool." Translation I'm now going to put you on the back burner and I won't put any effort into you. I know a woman that says these words are the kiss of death. She interprets it to mean that the man is not going to seek to build a relationship with her because that person is addicted to selfish, manipulative interaction, rather than what's healthy and real. Not all black women are mean or cold. (Please note sitting next to ice queen is worse than an angry woman. Why? This women has channeled her anger into a silent war and you are riding shotgun with a snake, beware.) When women understand you are not the victim of your life but the perpetrator then you can choose wisely and stop being angry at the world for the poor decisions you have made in your life. Accountability and dedication to change while making healthy decisions about your life will allow smiles and laughter. When you love you and who you are it's easy to be a caring, conscience, and happy person sharing that glow of joy with the world. I agree that only unhealthy people want to be around angry, mean spirited, selfish, manipulative or ugly (ugly soul) people.

Alison Samuels wrote a book called What Would Michelle Do? It was a great book designed to lightly touch on how to be your best person. Michelle Obama is my shero because she is accomplished, intelligent, real, loving, and a great support to her husband and she does this effortlessly. She is a wonderful example of being a great supportive lover, friend, mother, intelligent person who is real. I don't think it's the career issue of women it's the lack of choosing a quality partner on the same page which creates a problem often. Your career is what you do but it does not define who you are as a person.

Last but not least:

"I think black women are the most beautiful women in the world and I’m certain when I’m ready for marriage I will choose to marry a black women, although she may not be form this country she will be black and beautiful."

Thank you for this comment: sometimes it's nice to know that someone see's beauty in the black woman.


Brinafr3sh profile image

Brinafr3sh 3 years ago from West Coast, United States

Hi, I see where you stated that you are a male chauvinist. And there are some Black women that are not "angry Black women." If Black women forgive those people that hurt them, then maybe the anger will diminish.


The Truth 3 years ago

Not all black women are angry. Some of us are loving, laugh, smile and are people who care for others.

Shallow? I don't know about that. My friends, nor myself, or gold-diggers but women who manage their own lives and would enjoy a lover and friend with a good heart/values/morals which compliments ours.


Bellz23 profile image

Bellz23 2 years ago

If black woman can't find a black man, they should date interracially. It not as bad as you think you might find Mr.Right. Try travelling South America, the islands, Africa try something different.


PMARTIN 2 years ago

I agree with a lot of what you said but would like to comment on a couple points. I think the black man finding it hard to get work so speak isn't so much of racism too much. womens lib has pushed women in the forefront of job hirings that even effect white males. Add to the influx of the latin amer community, the black male has now a ton of competition. We need to push very hard for our boys to prepare for college instead sending telling them to be the next LeBron.

As for relationships...I dont think today's black woman is justified in being angry. Our mothers/grandmothers had readon to be angry. Racially Segregated, the man out working hard all day and dying early in life from it, she having to clean her house and then catch a bus into town to clean someone elses...tough. Today I sit in my church and look at single women with desk jobs, their own house, SUVs, control of their money and yet...are mean, complaining and very self centered. Sorry--want to be mean, then be mean alone. Want a man then get off the high horse, learn to smile, learn to keep insults to yourself, be prepared to take care of your man not compete with him. As long as our society blames the man for what goes wrong in the family, he should then be the head and respected as such.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Great observations


brasilvirginia725 2 years ago

Wow. This article is quite ignorant. I suppose this may apply to a certain group of people, but to say all? I am definitely not this. I am single because I don't want a thug. And honestly hyper masculinity is in every society that is based on Judaism/Christianity/Islam. I am not dramatic and I am very calm. This article cracked me up! Look at me, I have lived in multiple countries, I speak four languages, I am metaphysical/Spiritist, my favorite foods are Korean and Vietnamese. I am a hipster/hippie/ or a character from Portland's. How many black guys are on my level? Seriously like none. They would never be able to even have a conversation with me because most of them on so boxed into these preconceptions of themselves and black women. I could easily turn around and write an article about black men. Instead of getting down to the real issues of the influence of media and systemic issues that are seen worldwide you played the blame game. In Brazil you rarely see black/mixed women on television, only white women. That is what the media says is beautiful. In India dark skin is frowned upon and dark girls are always portrayed as evil in their Bollywood films. This article could easily be said about Latin women too you know, or white trash for that matter, or Russian women. I am a sociologist the empirical matter actually would say that it is economic, gender, and social issues that explain this not what you are saying. But you are right on the dating outside the race thing, for some reason many black women here in the U.S. are more opposed to it then in Latin America, afruca, and Europe. Just my opinion, namaste.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

"Ignorant?" Maybe your perceptions just haven't caught up to the reality. In fact, you seem to prove one aspect of my article are right...you are touting your accomplishments instead of conveying what type of individual you are. You seem too hung up on your accomplishments rather than displaying an open-mind.


Marko 2 years ago

Look If majority of black women are single so be it, thats what they want why rock the boat . 50% -of marriages in US end in divorce, let them live single. Maybe majority of black women not marriage material. Peace.


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Really P Martin

Let me lend a different perspective. First and foremost I think walking around "angry" with a "negative attitude" is unhealthy first and foremost and then bad energy for others so I get that. Perhaps women are hurt. The rise of single mothers from households where there are no longer married couples creating stability and healthy upbringing so you develop into a healthy young man and woman with knowledge of what a strong committed relationship is so you can immolate that structure.

1. "Today I sit in my church and look at single women with desk jobs, their own house, SUVs, control of their money and yet...are mean, complaining and very self centered. "

I wonder is the issue with failure with some men? I'm just asking. I think people who have all these issues (sometimes) with women is because these men fail to achieve. When a man has his self together he has a confidence that is not easily intimidated. Research the president and you will find he wasn't dating the secretary but Michelle was his mentor at the law firm. She is the model for many women, educated, accomplished within her own right, her own person, loves her man with all her heart, great mother, etc. She is the total package.

(region also influences male-female roles. Certain forward thinking states don't appreciate broke leeching women who are promiscuous to get bills paid like it's the 1800's. They know broke women aren't loyal women and they question the interest they have for a man because they are only hunting for sponsors. Buy a few dinners and they "love you"....right)

2. "be prepared to take care of your man not compete with him."

What does that mean. I want you to fully explain your viewpoints on this one. Who's competing with you? My parents worked. My father paid the bills and they banked my mothers paycheck to save for their house. 2 incomes are better than one. Lets do the math. If your husband makes $75K and she makes $75K then there is room to invest, grow an empire by way of establishing businesses, and bank money so your kids can live in good neighborhoods and have college tuition prepared so your children do not have to go into debt to go to college.

Let me say, I don't agree with women now a days that want to boss a man or treat him like a child dictating the household, emasculating a man.

The truth of the matter is often when you couple with someone below your expectations and achievement in life they aren't on the same page and become a detriment to your household and wealth. You're trying to build money and they are spending it twice as fast as you make it because they have no idea of sacrifice or self-achievement to realize money does not grow on trees.

****Besides, dogs are bred. If you want to gamble with brain capacity and intelligence when you have your children so you can feel like "big boss" to underachieving women, good luck with that.

3. "As long as our society blames the man for what goes wrong in the family, he should then be the head and respected as such."

Leaders lead. Boys beg to be respected as men. What's wrong with black women is a condition is a reflection of what's wrong with the black man. Black women are not innocent in this situation but if the leader disappears, never was there, conceives without marriage/relationship everything is out of control. A woman was not made to be head of household and it's no joke to put the weight of the world (often without financial or emotional support for their children) on a woman's shoulder and tell her to be smiling while you carry 100 pound weights.

Another perspective: Could you imagine going to church (perhaps), getting an education, obtaining a career, volunteering your time, traveling with friends, and having a good heart but there is no one there for you? Year after year. Every magazine tells you everything that is wrong with you. Your loving and easy going spirit disregarded for "your real cool" which means no dating for you. I could tell you countless stories of women who are single, would be great wives and mothers. Not gold-diggers, mean spirited, nor materialistic, not rich but pay their own bills. Men now a days that feel showing up is a woman's gift. No taking time to get to know a woman and show care, protection, and appreciation for who she is as an individual. I'm just offering you a different perspective.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

In defense of Martin, he DOES make valid points. I saw a great meme the other day online: "Be your man's medicine, not his headache."


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Okay........Did I add. Black women aren't allowed feelings either.

Generations ago fathers educated their sons that there were women you married and women you date (play with). When it comes to your wife, a role model for a boy or a girl, you aren't pushing the village idiot. You can be everything a man needs, have a brain, and show loving support for your man.

I'm done with this subject......whatever......

Other races, entirely different way they are raised to care for women never-mind. 2-Pac said we would have men who hate the ladies and create babies. Since it's all a black woman's fault, why did 2-Pac write the song "Keep Your Head-Up"- as a fantasy address of an imaginary situation? I'm just asking. Kudos.


ELLE 2 years ago

Most black women generally have too much aggression and are negative. Having an opinion is fine as long as it's constructive and not laced with "sister girl-ness". Most aren't sweet, nurturing, appreciative, or considerate unless they stand to benefit from it. And they have too many daddy issues that lead to them distrusting black males. It's not about how educated they are or how much money they make. Those things are cool but aren't usually at the top of a man's list. They are poor judges of character too. When they do date they pick brothers with many character flaws. That's mainly because of warped priorities. And they always contradict themselves by claiming to follow some religious path. You know, standards for black men are higher than other races of men. That's because people expect the worst from us before getting to know us. Men are expected to be breadwinners. That's a lot of responsibility. To take all that on and give up all that freedom there has to be some substantial benefit for getting married these days. Black men are left with three options: 1)Stay single and deal with the drama if we get lonely. 2)Get married to a black woman and get used to a certain level of unhappiness. 3)Or marry a biracial woman. Half black is fine as long as there's another race mixed in there to neutralize all that bad attitude.


PMARTIN 2 years ago

I agree with Nelle but to add this...TV. Black women today are conditioned to have an attitude. Black women in movies, Sit coms , commercials and even kids programs are generally portrayed smart mouth , angry and quick to fight (most of time overweight too). Thats considered a strong woman and it appears that our black women instead of protesting this portrayal, instead dont mind and even imitate the portrayal. Problem is that in real life.....nice, happy and sucessful people dont want to be around mean self centered people. She will find herself alone and bitter in her old age.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Spot on!


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Pmartin,

just remember not all black women are conditioned to have an attitude. I will admit the image and behavior of a majority of black women can be mean, even worse, cold and controlling. Laughter, hugging, affection....inappropriate for most I notice. Those women who aren't this way somehow seem (notice I said seem) ignored or black men can not "relate" to their girl next door happy black women that wants to laugh and cuddle.

ELLE

I understand your thoughts but I try to understand where sometimes the feminine, sweetness, of some black women disappeared. Perhaps no flowers, love, affection, protection, providing or assisting, or being treated with love/affection/care can be to blame. Yes, many women have daddy issues but many black men have mommy issues. What are mommy issues? Men unable to step up to the plate and take charge, lack of decision-making, low-self esteem, no belief in oneself to attempt to achieve anything, fear of success/failure causing economic paralysis. All are often the result of not having a role model in a father to show you how to be a man. A mother that played two roles (by force) and adult men that operate at a 1/3rd of the achievement of their women. I'm just being real.

Not sure about the standards comment " You know, standards for black men are higher than other races of men." I've encountered women that don't require rich black men but have the simple request" can you just take care of yourself financially?"

Conclusion: We have issues. You and the person you love, idealistically, should be engaged in a loving-healthy MARRIAGE to set a foundation for a family. As long as there are insecurities, trust issues, hurt, broken people (men and women), this conversation will remain a never ending thread.

You tube:

Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single

Dwayne Buckingham

Some of their viewpoints are interesting. Somehow the quality/good black men and quality/good black women never seem to run into each other at Starbucks or Barnes and Nobles and that's sad.

Another viewpoint, regardless if women like it or not, was shared in the youtube series:

The Top 12 Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single?

GOKU92SON

I must admit lately their seems to be extreme materialism in womens minds, thinking they can go to Hollywood by dancing on the stripper pole just right. Forgive me if I don't understand how you are broke but a man shows interest in you and demand purses, bills paid, high-end restaurants when you have done nothing to achieve any measure of success for yourself. Sorry-off the subject. But if someone can explain someone demanding rent and bills paid and you make $12 an hour?..... Seriously? The new normal.

Conclusion Again.............black love is in crisis and there is a plot to promote negative images of materialistic black women and non-achieving foolish black men. These images do not fit the entirety of black men and women. There are no bad absolute for either gender.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Good points. However, there are plenty of selfish black women out there who are the reason a man moght have self-esteem issues. These are the women who are never satisfied with anything a man does, and have nothing BUT criticsm of and for him...from everything to his style of dress to his sexual performance. Some women simply want too much. And for these types of women, no man will ever make her happy...unless he is doing everything HER way.


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Beyond-Politics- you are right. There are some women that are caught in "hood-rat, video vixen" fantasies. There are some women who are never satisfied by the efforts of some men. What's even worse are men with low self-esteem that allow women (that are financial failures/irresponsible/losers) in life to make them feel bad about themselves. Instead of choosing the women that care about them and have some type of coolness about them, they chase after women that (to be honest) aren't worth anything. Man or woman, when you love yourself you will not allow people to use/hurt/manipulate you.

People need to look more than skin deep and what they see visually and make sure the complete package is what one appreciates and desires.


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

An interesting song: Nina Simone - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

B Martin

Dashing Scorpio

Beyond Politics

Jennifer Kate Hudson is an American recording artist, actress and spokesperson. She rose to fame in 2004 as a finalist on the third season of American Idol, coming in seventh place. Wikipedia

Born: September 12, 1981 (age 33), Chicago, IL

Partner: David Otunga (2008–)

Question. Another manifestation of a "girl next door", nice, everyday girl who is the mother of the child to David Otunga (relationship since 2008). Evidence that not all black women have a huge attitude and are angry. She's still down to earth, despite the fame, has been known to pause to let photographers take pictures of her out with her child before moving on. Lived through the tragedy of the murder of her family members..............yet YEARS later no ring aka no marriage-respect.

Can you explain what is wrong with her? I'm just curious? Why is she not marriage material?


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Bad women are like leaves in the autumn--all under your feet as you walk. Good women are like platinum--rare and hard to find. They are also under-appreciated because they always seem to fall for the men who don't want to seem to commit the "right way" (marriage). Women cannot complain about their not being any "good black men to marry" until they (1) start making better choices in men, (2) learn what my grandmother said: "Never look for someone you love; find someone who loves YOU." and (3) stop making their feelings the center issue in every relationships. Relationships are about "US," not about "Her." With regard to this last issue, women have several stupid, idiotic sayings and trains of thoughts like, "If the woman isn't happy, then the relationship isn't happy." Such insanity presumes that the woman is in the relationship alone (or that she is the only one who's "feelings" matter). Stay tuned...I may be doing a follow-up to this piece in the near future.


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Good point Beyond-Politics

"Good women are like platinum--rare and hard to find."

I've also heard the phrase it's easy to pick the "low hanging fruit" off of the tree rather than "reaching" for the quality pieces.

Yes women must be accountable for the choices they make in men. On grandma's philosophy of making sure "he loves you more than you love him" does not quite seem to be the answer but I guess it worked better than today. Relations are about partnership.

I look forward to your follow-up Beyond Politics


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

Furthermore, I'm just saying. George Clooney the ultimate bachelor just got married. Did he pick a woman making $10 an hour so she won't challenge "compete" with him? Did he marry a hooker or stripper? Did he marry the girl that answers his phones?

Amal Ramzi Alamuddin is a London-based British-Lebanese lawyer, activist, and author. She is a barrister at Doughty Street Chambers, specialising in international law, criminal law, human rights, and extradition. So why did George marry her after remaining single for so many years? A source said she presented herself as an equal.

I'm not being a smarty pants or rude.........I simply welcome feedback as to why a boss (a man secure in his finances, achievements, and accomplishments) does not seem to have a problem with a woman that presents herself as more than a barbie doll. I'm listening................

P.S. If he has children with her.......between his talent and her intellect....their kids would be extraordinary.


PMARTIN 2 years ago

Its not good to use Hollywood society as examples...they change partners every few years.


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 2 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

Beware the black woman who feels she always has to get the last word...she will NEVER see herself as being wrong about anything.


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 2 years ago

For all of you that follow PMartin's train of thought. I thought I would give you some information on the wonderfully accomplished Aja Brown, 32 year old mayor of the city of Compton.

Aja L. Brown (born April 17, 1982)[1] currently serves as Mayor of Compton, California. On June 4, 2013, Aja Brown made history as Compton's youngest mayor ever to be elected.

Wikipedia further states:

Aja Brown grew up in Altadena, California. Her mother, Brenda Jackson, raised her and her twin brother as a single parent. While attending University of Southern California, she began working for the City of Gardena, California in 2004 as an Economic Development Analyst. She soon graduated in 2004 with a Bachelor's Degree in Public Policy, Urban Planning and Development. Just a year later in 2005, she earned a Master's Degree in Urban Planning with a concentration in Economic Development.[2]

Personal life

Mayor Brown is married to her husband Van Brown-Married 13 years. Married in 2003 which means they had a common vision, goals, and reach success together.

****Yes, she is married to an intelligent -educated man- who has accomplished his own goals. (No insecurity)

Aja Brown is married to Van Brown, a Petrochemical Safety Manager

Brown and her husband are youth directors at Faith Inspirational MBC, located in Compton, CA. They actively mentor, counsel and train Compton's youth to become confident leaders with integrity, passion, and vision.


steven 22 months ago

The videos and overall messages here have a lot of merit I just want to state that the first love in peoples life should be god education community and all else will fall into place.


Madscientist73 22 months ago

There were so many good comments and content in the article. Loved the discussion with Steve Harvey and Hill Harper...however, this is my opinion from a 40+ yo black woman. There is a dirty little secret that many people tend to overlook. I have met several men that are looking for a sponsor, a sugar mama, to be a kept man, etc.

Forgot the intimidation factor (which I have heard several times from the men themselves), many of the men today simply want to be financially taken care of. They are going to do the bare bones minimum or not work at all. I briefly dated a 40+ yo black man that was unemployed for over 2 years and was turning down jobs but was living off of his mother's social security checks and had several sponsors buying him plane tickets, clothes, groceries, etc.

Now, being in the corporate world myself for over 20 years, my experience has been that the majority of the black men that are at a certain level (senior, executive, managerial, etc) absolutely almost ALWAYS are married to a white woman. Like Sherri Shephard (sp?) said in the video clip, we don't have a problem with the brothers organically and authentically falling in love with a white woman. We have a problem when they are exclusively dating white women. Not Asian, not Native American, not Indian, not Latina. WHITE. All. The. Time. It gets old.

I'm old school. Was in high school in the late '80s and college in the '90s. I was use to music being Keith Sweat that was "begging" and Spike Lee Joints "Please baby please baby please". Guys would even say, "Man, I'm not going to sweat her." Nowadays, whether in real life or online, you have to PERSUADE a man to meet you for a cup of coffee at Starbucks, and that's going dutch.

Finally, let me make a comment about dating outside the race. I can personally tell you that the brothers have called me "fine" but I don't get the time of day from a white boy. Not in school, not in Corporate America, not online, etc. For every 10 likes or whatever I get from a black man online, I get 1 from a white man and he is usually 50+ yo. So while some black women choose not to date outside their race, others (like myself) has had that choice made for us.


General 22 months ago

The problem is that black men have been devalued in American society......,decent black women price themselves right out of the market,and the average women messes herself up early by having children out of wedlock and decent guys dont want them anymore........and black women are too alfa like,it doesn't work well with the ultra alfa black man.....professional women DO have choices...,but not enough choices that they can talk sh-- ,and start all over with a different guy....,if they just stop having babies.........not the decent ones but the busted ones,because thats the only ones i see knocked up......


Donbrico 22 months ago

Black people in general do not like to hear the truth about their negative behavior toward other people especially MOST black women. As soon someone reveals FACTUAL information about them , they are ready to explode. Most black men experienced the same drama with black women and that's a FACT. So I encourage every black men to leave these women alone if they want their spirit to be in peace. Black men, If you want to know more about these women, please check this on youtube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vi6GT8TMm8

or

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDEIm29gfew

or

Tommie Sotomayor


Non-American Blk woman 21 months ago

A reason "I think" American black men are not in a relationship with American black women and vice versa are the same. I have heard so many of these discussions that I actually try to figure out now in 2015 why the hell either of you want to date each other.....You seem to hate each other so much as I'm reading this stuff and HAVING conversations with both sides of the sexes in past n present situations. I'm dumbfounded to get why the hell would an American blk woman or blk man even want to be with each other? (Hope to get more then one reason if u are responding to this comment)...You can ethnically cleans the earth of yourselves by dating outside your races as a majority because of your dislike for each other.....oh yeah and damn the White, Aisian, Indian, Pourtugees, Carribean woman, etc., that the American blk man choose to date not because he ran into her on a reg day and liked her, but because he is no longer attracted to what a person who is of the same race as his Daughter, aunt, sister, cousin look like and tell me this does not send a BOLD MESSAGE To those women in your lives.... Or vice versa to the women that do the same thing.... How would u be okay if your daughter say to her dad, I don't date black men, I'm not attracted to them...lmfao.. Or a son to his black mom, I'm not attracted to date black women. That shyt hurts the heart in "my chest".

I met a white man who was verrrryy attractive and I was interested but when he voiced his complete dislike and shared his view of his entire race of white women as a reason for not dating them as gold diggers, lazy, opportunist, I was turned off immediately.......So I would like to ask to other races and cultures....If an Amer blk man or woman approaches a person of another race n they voiced their hatefulness of their own race why would you want to date them.... Being a non American Blak women, the first thing I hear from a lot of black males are " or yeah, I like exotic women, I don't date Amer black women..." Yo dude I'm black, no Amer, but I'm blk with both black parents. It's stupid.... But u don't want to be judged by your colour by cops, store personnel, but u judge your women alike......I've heard them say they don't like dark skinned women and they are as dark as can be, saying its dirty. Then u r dirty... this internal hatred just don't to allow another race or ethnic group to respect or want to be part of this African American Internal Emotinally handicapped relationship. I don't get it. You will probably make the excuse that because I wasn't born here that I won't understand...but again this is yet another excuse to perpetuate the BS...You judge each other so harshly, you point fingers at each other any chance you get, you tear down what is left of an already fragile community and place bombs to go off at the most needed moments just to keep the blood shedding...... Why do u do it? Can any one of the pair ever say something good about each other with out saying "BUT" at the middle of the compliment.... Maybe that's both your problems.....None of the positives are really true in your heart so a "but" always have to enter the equation right? Respect yourselves regardless of how another race judge u to be, treat your own with respect.. If u throw your own under the bus I will use u up n do the same cus I got no respect for someone who dislikes his or her own race,... If yuh dating outside race do it because he she caught your attention, not based on your own internal racial biases.....ugh.......


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 19 months ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com) Author

"We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are." --Anias Nin


Me... 19 months ago

Most black women are Malignant Narcissisits...The biblical definition is called the Jezebel spirit....A rejection evil spirit. Please research these terms before responding "Malignant Narcissist & Jezebel"...Thank you!


realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 19 months ago

Donbrico. No doubt the African American race has issues. However, as men are supposed to be leaders, the problem has to be shared. If we went with sterotypes (not always true) one would wonder the worth of a man that lacks the ability to secure and provide for their family (securing education/trade), walks around impregnating random people, buys expensive vehicles instead of houses and have never invested in a 401k AND balks at the idea of marriage. Playa for life right, or until they acquire an std they can't get rid of, baby momma over here baby momma over there and no money for the future.

My point is that all African American Men do not fit this mold but enough of them give other people a certain perception of how "they are." This is the same idea of how "these African American act." Sterotypes are not always true. In fact it's so sad that nice, happy, smiling, fun, and loving African American women are treated with no regard as if not fitting this negative/attitude image can not be tolerated amongst their own race. There are man insecurities, inferiority complexes, light/dark, educated versus non-educated issues that play a role in this situation.


Alex 19 months ago

Offended? Ever figure you bore them every bit as much?

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