NOTICE: May I Have My Own Female Stalker?

This girl would be THE IDEAL stalker for me

SHE IS WELL-DRESSED. FRIENDLY. AND VERY CUTE. I BET SHE HAS A COLLEGE EDCUATION. I'M NOT CHOOSY. IF YOU ARE THIS GIRL, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.
SHE IS WELL-DRESSED. FRIENDLY. AND VERY CUTE. I BET SHE HAS A COLLEGE EDCUATION. I'M NOT CHOOSY. IF YOU ARE THIS GIRL, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.
This girl is after my own heart with her pretty legs.
This girl is after my own heart with her pretty legs.
My personal stalker must wear high heels at all times.
My personal stalker must wear high heels at all times.
See this coy look? My stalker will be a master of all the looks a female has to make me happy.
See this coy look? My stalker will be a master of all the looks a female has to make me happy.

If I am going to have my own

stalker, female of course, then there are certain guidelines that "I" must lay down to her so she can fit into my mold as my own personal stalker:

  • She must never dress in casual jeans, but a very nice dress that accents her gorgeous legs.
  • She must always keep her complaining about these rules to herself. I mean. At the end of every month, I am already giving her the sum of $4,100.00 as a raise.
  • She must always smile and giggle at me when we are alone. That isn't too much to ask of someone who appreciates a female stalker is it?
  • She must never allow herself to "pig out" at the local Krispy Kreme doughnut shop to satisfy that sweet tooth she has, but hey, I am a fair stalker appreciator. Twice in a month I will let her go wild at her own choosing of any Krispy Kreme shop in the city.
  • If she has a complaint about me or how I am handling "our" arrangement, all she is to do is sit down with me in private and tell me how she really feels and if leaving me is the only answer there is to make her feel better . . .well, I am a fair man. I would allow that just as soon as her gorgeous replacement is found.

A good stalker would have to learn how to sit quietly while I practice my stand-up comedy routines.
A good stalker would have to learn how to sit quietly while I practice my stand-up comedy routines.
But a little hair in the eyes is always nice.
But a little hair in the eyes is always nice.
I love hair like this.
I love hair like this.
This girl knows how to really flirt.
This girl knows how to really flirt.
But a girl's well-kept legs. There is not enough poetry or song written to praise the women who take care of their legs.
But a girl's well-kept legs. There is not enough poetry or song written to praise the women who take care of their legs.
A girl's eyes who make contact easily with someone who is talking to her is one of my reasons for wanting a stalker.
A girl's eyes who make contact easily with someone who is talking to her is one of my reasons for wanting a stalker.
A girl with a sexy laugh will always get her way in the world.
A girl with a sexy laugh will always get her way in the world.
I love it when a gorgeous girl applies her make-up.
I love it when a gorgeous girl applies her make-up.

It's time for me to . . .

assert myself. Be bold. Brave and courageous. All at the same time. For years I've lived the defined conservative life. Filed my taxes. Loved my neighbors. And respected the elderly. I'm sure that many of you have done the same. So with your permission, this hub is dedicated to you, the reserved, the quiet-natured, the ones who always obey the rules, dot their "i's" and cross their "t's" and salute Old Glory when she's raised.

For a long time now I've heard the expressions: "female stalker," and "female predator," and I do not know the difference in these modern terms. All I do know is that each term contains my favorite word: Female, and I think that having "female" in the title, it cannot be all bad.

I've read a few articles about females who stalk men wanting their undivided attention, their spare time and moments of sensitivity that no other female in the man's life can have. Hey, what's wrong with wanting some company, for pete's sake? We all get lonely. We all get down and out. We are but mortal, aren't we? Let's take off the condemning labels and be who we are. Real. Up front. And liberated from the social burdens we have placed on our backs. I feel better already.

I know already that I'm "going against the grain," and honestly, "bucking the system," by writing this hub, but it's just something I have to do in order to live with myself. I hope that you understand. In all sincerity, I hope that none of you guys ever get into the shape I am in now. Because it's rough living with the fact that you don't have, or never had a beautiful woman, intelligent, eloquently-spoken, smells like a Chanel No. 5 factory who wants "you" for just being "you," nothing else. This would easily be a real-life fantasy if I were pressed to give you a definition of what I am feeling right now.

I hate to be blunt, but I want a stalker! A lovely female stalker. Not your average, back-alley knock-off, but a real, true-blue, sexy-looking, soft-spoken stalker who would, with her feminine gifts, make me feel like I'm a true male. Is that too much to as of this life? I implore you ladies and gentlemen of HubPages, am I going too far with this request? If so, I apologize. But I cannot apologize for being so lonely sometimes that I talk to my PC screen. And when I'm really lonely, I talk to photos of myself taken years ago when I was in a happier frame of mind.

Let me approach this story from this viewpoint. When I was a young, single man, I did my share of chasing the pretty girls, what few we had in my hometown, and went with a few on occasion. But as for them chasing me, calling me all of the time, making excuses to show-up at my house "dressed to the nines," well, this never happened. It did to some of my buddies. I know this is true for when we meet and they elude to talking of their "golden memories," of the female stalkers "they" had, their faces light-up like Fifth Avenue in New York on New Year's Eve. Their eyes dance with happiness while their faces turn a mild pink from a touch of embarrassment. But overall, "these" buddies of mine have something I never had. A beautiful female stalker.

Now I will say this to you. I do NOT want a female predator. I hear those are mighty dangerous to have around. You have to build a chain-link fence in the backyard. Buy special feed for them and take them to the vet once a month for their check-up's. I can't deal with that much work. Not now. My simple request is that I have just ONE GORGEOUS FEMALE STALKER before I leave this world. That's all.

And she does have to have a good mental state. I do not want a gorgeous female stalker who's so "over the edge," that every word I say is taken wrong and she whips out her favorite butcher's knife and "goes to town" swinging the knife in a wild fashion as I duck in and out trying to save my own hide. No. I just want a mentally-stable, easy-going, friendly, sweet-smelling, nice-dressing female stalker who will "stalk" me when I tell her to with a written-schedule that she can stick to her refrigerator, no, make that her bedroom dressing mirror, because if she sees my "stalker schedule" on her refrigerator, she will automatically want to eat and that will make her fat. And no man alive wants an obese stalker no matter how charming she is.

And my "female stalker's" work will be so easy that she will think she is on vacation. When she calls me on the phone, she will ask me the questions I have pre-written and emailed to her to ask me, so she won't have to do any work. Now I ask you. What man being stalked would go that far to make his "stalker" happy? Allow me to answer that question. Not many. Probably none. I just want my amazingly-beautiful female "stalker" to be happy. And proud to "stalk" me and feel good about herself and what she is doing. That's a formula for happiness if there ever was one. Hey, employees of companies who aren't happy with your work! Call me and I can "coach" you into feeling good about your job even if it is cleaning porta-potties.

I've thought this through. I will sit my wife down when I hire my "stalker," and tell my wife just what I'm doing and on what day my female "stalker" is going to call or sneak up on me in the bushes by our house, so she won't get upset. My wife hates to be upset. So by being honest with her, I will be setting a precedent in being the first man to tell his wife about his sensual female "stalker." My wife's only concern would be for me NOT to have sex with my "stalker," and I would then burst into laughter and tell her that it's not about sex, it's about me fulfilling a long-time need to have a beautiful, open-minded woman "stalk" me, but only according to the schedule I give her. I think my wife will go along with that. And if she doesn't have to cook for my "stalker," she can rest after her shift at Walmart, put her feet up, and enjoy some quality time with CBS line-up of quality television entertainment.

Here is a list of things that my female "stalker" will talk to me about on the phone:

  • National politics - and she will say, "what a turn-on, listening to you speak about President Obama and his National Health Care Bill."
  • The Iranian Situation - she will love it when I mention "nuclear capabilities," and coo, "ohh, Kenny, I get all tingly when you say 'nuclear,'"
  • The High Price of Gasoline - after a few minutes of me complaining about gas being so high, my lovely female "stalker," will talk softly and say, "you turn me into a beast when you say things like BP, Chevron and Shell,"
  • CBS Over-use of Alex O'Loughlin - my gorgeous female "stalker" will nearly-faint with lust because I cannot pronounce O'Loughlin's name correctly.

It's going to be a big time for me when I hear a familiar rustle in the bushes outside my living room window and my wife says, "she's here. Your female "stalker" who is never tardy. And then the chase will begin. I go outside my house and yell, "hey, you, in the bushes! Yes, you, girlie dressed in that expensive dress covered in sequen and six-inch heels. Come out of I will be forced to teach you a lesson," of course I am merely "acting" tough and surprised that my "stalker" is actually on my property.

Then my "stalker" walks slowly toward me panting with every breath and looking at me like I am the only man on earth and says, "Hey there, manly man. Care if I rub your tired shoulders?" And I reply instantly, "out here? In the yard?" She giggles and then takes me forcibly in her arms and throws me to the lawn, rolls me over on my stomach while massaging my weary shoulders that ache with pain from sitting in front of my PC all day long writing about a fantasy that will only be lived on the PC screen.

And never in my real life.

This is a low-down, doggone shame.

But hey, I'm glad that I know how to read.






This girl could "stalk" me any day

I SEE THAT SHE HAS A CONTAINER OF COFFEE FOR ME. NOW THAT IS A GREAT ICE-BREAKER, HAVING COFFEE READY FOR ME.
I SEE THAT SHE HAS A CONTAINER OF COFFEE FOR ME. NOW THAT IS A GREAT ICE-BREAKER, HAVING COFFEE READY FOR ME.

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Comments 39 comments

anndavis25 profile image

anndavis25 4 years ago from Clearwater, Fl.

A Stalk Walk. You may get them after this hub. You are a funny funny man. And quite smart.

Enjoyed the read. Stick with the writing. It's natural for you. AD up, funny, awesome.

p.s. Your top picture didn't show up.


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 4 years ago from Texas

LOL Kenneth, I laughed out loud at this one, I could just hear you reading it ever-so dramatically. If I was still young and cute I'd be your stalker for sure! (Unfortunately I don't fit your preferred stalker description any more.) This one might just by my favorite from you yet! Voted up and funny!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

The only problem here is the strict restrictions for the female stalker. Kenny, what if. . . she wants to take it further? Are you prepared to refuse her and cast her aside? huh?

;-)

By the way, your ideal stalker's picture doesn't appear at the top of the hub where it's referenced, but at the bottom of it. You may want to fix that - - unless it's a clever ploy to entice all of us to try to search for it to see if we may fit the qualifications. hehe


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 4 years ago

I don't know about a stalker?How about a night of dancing and lots of laughs.Great pics though.I think your wife would get fed up and have to kick your stalkers butt.Another funny hub.


Arlene V. Poma 4 years ago

I wish Alec O'Loughlin would stalk me. Is that how you spell his name? I was only interested in watching him on screen. In fact, I would settle for any of those "Hawaii Five-0" actors to stalk me. That includes the ones who no longer walk this Earth. I mean, I've watched Five-0 since I was 10. And still have a pile of reruns on DVD to scope out.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

I'm sure you could find one on the Internet!


Unleashed Freedom profile image

Unleashed Freedom 4 years ago from star dust, planet Gaia.

so i take it you have not seen Fatal Attraction. can't say she is a stalker, what with Micheal already cheating with her,but heck, she would be the anti Viagra of the world.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 4 years ago from Lost in America

Trust me Kenneth you do not want one! I've had a female stalker for a long time. If they are not #1. Remain #1 and you don't do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING their way, they go completely psycho and do anything they can to invade your life, your friends, they TRY to be master manipulators to your every WORD.

It gets so bad in time you're demoted to talking to a shrink about it, and they tell you the truth. A stalker who goes that far to stalk you LONG before you know they're not just vying for attention, are in reality detached from reality and truly believe you are the cause of all their life's problems. EVEN IF THEY CHOOSE TO LEAVE YOU ALONE AND BLOCK YOU, they eventually come back and basically are like the proverbial herpes sore. It won't do away and there is no cure for insanity.

I do not joke here one single bit. Thus, my lack of hubs. The FIRST LIE is the beginning of the end. To see if this person was really "the" stalker I asked her to "use her same account she followed me with" THE ANSWER COMPLETELY CONFIRMED I was being stalked by her for monthS before she "invited me" away, then poured a pity story on me, and of course I tried to help with that. Only to have jealousy of newfound friendships taunted and stalked (this very post is most likely feeding the addiction) until they find ways do to things to them like HACK their accounts, the police have to get involved when you have better things to do - like have real friends and a real girl with normal attachments!

Trust me please you do not want a stalker of any kind. Sadly we don't get to pick them, they pick you long before you realize they are stalking you. They want to learn tidbits about your life to use against you later, they spend more time worrying about what you're doing than doing anything for themselves. Pretty girls do not stalk. Pretty girls are into looking nice and helping others to do the same. You could have a BEAUTIFUL girl stalk you, but once you learn her personality, you would not see beauty any longer, you would see a cold hard evil person who will do anything to try to hinder your life.

I haven't even looked though my list to see if she's still stalking me, because the police have given me advice I'm following to a tee! When the time is right she's going to end up in a mental institution or jail. (I'm opting for jail after what she's done to some of my friends, since regular medication is obviously NOT the answer.)

Good luck on finding a pretty girl to befriend you though! :)


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Kenneth, too funny! Unfortunately, stalkers don't follow rules, so you couldn't have it that perfect...haha! Believe me, sometimes it's best we don't get what we think we want!


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

You are a funny man, and I love reading your hubs. It does not matter if I am tired or had a busy day, I feel better after reading your hub.

So, maybe you should do some videos for HP and even for You Tube. Any man that can make so many laugh would have to be a great hit on You Tube.

Have a great weekend.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi


Katharella profile image

Katharella 4 years ago from Lost in America

lol Kenneth Bobbi is right! TRY IT!! I'll subscribe!


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi there big boy, wink wink nudge nudge

If only I was gorgeous and could walk in stilettos. lol

Kenneth, I am doubled up with laughter.

You have outdone yourself my friend.

Vote up up and away!

Take care


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Laughs. A great read!


Sunnie Day 4 years ago

haha Kenneth I do hope you get your female stalker soon...but not the bad kind only one who will pull you in the yard, massaging your shoulders, as you tell her all about the world events..I am not sure but you may find one at your local Walmart if you hang out there long enough..lol

So funny! You are truly such a gem!


moonlake profile image

moonlake 4 years ago from America

Funny,funny.......... but your last picture. She looks like a baby to me way to young for a stalker. I'm sure there are times my husband wishs he had a stalker. Voted Up.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

OMG..You are a little funny - and this is hilarious! Dunno if the child will be able to discuss politics, altho - but - whaddo i know? lol I should not be laughing - i've had a stalker - and in real life? not so funny! tatafana, Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Dear Ann . . .okay. Not to worry. I find it is easier to dream than actually "do" a dream. Besides when a lovely stalker laid eyes on me . . .she would need professional help. Therapy, if you will. Thanks for your sweet comments. Come back anytime.

Your Lonesome Stalkerless Friend,

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

SmartandFun . . .that is so flattering, your comment. Now, I feel somewhat better as a male. How can I ever repay you. I should have really expounded on this subject and renamed it: "The Complete Guide to Be A Successful Stalker," but too late. And Im tired.

Thanks again, smartandfun!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Nellie, I thought of that. I would have a simple set of legal papers for her to sign that included in the first paragaphs, an oath for her to take telling me that she WOULD NOT want marriage, money or a new car. Just the pleasure of stalking me when I tell her to. If I were to get tired of this game, she can stalk my lawyer. He is pretty open-minded.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Dream on . . .your idea sounds great to me, but would you let me take a nap every 45 minutes?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Arlene . . .Im sure Alex O'Loughlin would be a great stalker, but he's way too busy being the "one man show" on Hawaii Five-O. He cannot be a team player. He was a one-man show on "Moonlight," where he played a crime-fighting vampire and the head surgeon on "Miami Medical," so if you can get him to turn loose of HIS importance long enough, sure, he would be your ultimate stalker.

Thanks for a great hub idea!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Breakfastpop . . .you are right. But I am so afraid to run an ad that says: "Wanted: One beautiful female stalker. A real woman. Not a man playing a woman. Must work on schedule. And not want marriage." Would that work?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Unleashed Freedom, you mean that twisted Alex character??? Yep. Saw this movie thrice. Hated it each time. I always wanted the rabbit to turn into an evil, mutant bunny and eat her alive. But that is too harsh for today's "sensitive" society. But a great ending.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Unleashed Freedom, I could pound-out a screenplay called, "Fatality Attraction," about a strange woman who loves to be around auto accidents, but Michael Douglas' wife would not let him out of their mansion long enough to do this. Besides modern TV or movies wouldn't be able to handle MY play. Maybe Jack Nicholson with Jessica Alba to team up in my production. Would that work?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Katharella, thanks. I never knew that much about stalking. DO NOT worry. I WILL not pursue this venue. But what a lovely fantasy. A silken voice on the phone says to me, "heyyy, Kenneth. Just calling to see if you were okay," and I would freeze with excitement and then realize that she is only reading what I wrote for her to say. Maybe I should named this hub: "I Could Be My Own Stalker," that would have made more sense.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy . . .you are right. The do not. And if I were to have a hot relationship, at a distance with a beautiful woman stalker, she would have to at least follow a few rules. I am a convervative by nature and cannot stand "stalking in the fast lane," if you get my drift. Just an old-fashioned, southern gentleman-paced lifestyle with a laid-back, open-minded, but rule following stalker such as Martha Madison. She would be "too nice" for a stalker. She would ask for permission to talk sexy on the phone. Oh well, back to the keyboard. Thanks for your informative comment, cat.

Your friend,

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Bobbi, my Hub Friend, Thank YOU kindly and sincerely, for your super-nice remarks. YouTube? Hmmmm. Never thought of that. I would need to buy my own video recorder, hire a director, producer and make-up person. I think I might swing that. But may I hire YOU to guard me against YouTube "groupies" and video-stalkers?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Katharella . . .thank you. I will entertain this idea. But one drawback: I hate seeing myself in photos of hearing my voice on video or audiotape. I could let a professional hypnotize me. Right?

Thanks!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Susan, what do you mean, "If I were," in your comment? You ARE a beautiful girl. And Id wager you could walk in high heels. Do not sell yourself for less when you are most-valuable. Priceless. I find that by not doing this, I feel somewhat good about whom I am.

Just some warm advice.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thank YOU kindly, Curiad! Your comment has cheered me up a lot, along with everyone who has left comments on this hub. YOU and the others please have a great day and know that I appreciate YOU ALL a LOT!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, My Dear Friend, Sunnie! Where have YOU been for so long? I had grown used to seeing you on Hubs. A lot. Thanks for your kind remarks and you are right. I could find a stalker at Walmart, but those at TARGET seem to have a mind for bargains and that would pay-off in the long run.

After a long, exciting day of being stalked by a TARGET gal, I could to to where she works as a Fabric Dept. rep, and get a big discount on the fabric I will use to sew my own shirts. To replace the ones she has torn off my back while stalking me. There is always a price to pay.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Moonlake . . .baby? In the last shot? Oh, now I see. And you maybe right. I cannot see asking "this" smoking hot over 20 gal in the photo, "What do you think of Obama's National Healthcare Bill?" only to have her reply, "Bill? I haven't charged anything on my Healthcare bill?" You see? Thanks for saving me some unwanted humiliation.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, ImKarn . . .I didn't know that. And Im sure that being stalked FOR REALS is not fun. I will think about your comment and those on this hub the next time I want to venture into the "wild life," and I don't mean lions, tigers and bears. Oh my!

Your friend,

Kenneth


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

You do not need anyone to protect you--just enjoy it.

But if you do need protection---I will send some of my girlfriends who work out every day---and have black belts.LOL

I am waiting to see you on You Tube.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi


DAWNEMARS profile image

DAWNEMARS 4 years ago from The Edge of a Forest in Europe

You are a: funny, talented, writer Kenneth. You brighten up the place with your lighthearted tone. Keep on making us laugh here on HubPages-we need it. Voted up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, dear Bobbi,

that, my dear friend, IS A DEAL! From now on I will look for your girlfriends with black belts, oh do they wear black high heels too? Just asking.

That is such a nice gesture, Bobbi. And my final thought of "me" getting stalked is, "it's a sad state of affairs when a man in 2012 has to BEG for a woman to stalk HIM!"

But you are right, Bobbi. I need to enjoy it. The peace and quiet. I think I will take YOUR advice. And thanks, dear Friend.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, DAWNEMARS, and for your comments, "Thank you so much!" I appreciate you TOO! And I try to make things lighter and people laugh to forget the negativity that is in our world.

Thanks for the needed-vote and I will do my best to "keep the show" going.

You have a happy day!

Kenneth


GlstngRosePetals profile image

GlstngRosePetals 4 years ago from Wouldn't You Like To Know

LOL To funny picturing a beautiful woman standing at your front door in a soaked, soiled diaper that she has been sitting in for days just waiting for you to look her way and make her feel like you want her. This is a awesome read.. Thank you for the good laugh.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, GlstingRosePetals (nice name!) Thank you for laughing. Knowing that you are made happy but for a moment by this, makes it worthwhile. I wish you were one of my followers and that way you could write me with suggestions on what to write about and how to do it and if you are already a follower, Thank you warmly.

KENNETH

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