Why DATING SUCKS like an Electrolux

Most people would agree that dating, especially the first date, is about as much fun as having a picnic in a minefield in Afghanistan. For some reason that no-one knows, to prove that we are one step above lowly animals, humans are required to date before choosing their life mate. For many, a date is synonomous with fornicate. However, the words just rhyme, and don't necessary go hand in hand.

Dating appears to be a very painful process that the majority of people hate. While some decide to remain forever single and just hang out with a group of friends, most are forced to date if they want to eventually be in a permanent relationship. Of the fifty people aged between 16 and 55, surveyed, only one said they loved dating. When asked what it was about dating that they loved, they replied, "Dating is cool. A bit like bungy jumping. You get that adrenalin rush when you meet someone new. It's the anxiety...uh...oh," as they realised that the anxiety bit was not very fun at all. "Um, maybe I didn't really like dating as much as I thought I did."

Contrary to popular belief, dating is not easier when you are younger, and dating doesn't get any easier as you get older. All teenagers surveyed were unanimous in their hatred of the dating process. Both males and females surveyed, wondered if there was another way to get to the final destination, other than dating.

What exactly is it about dating that we hate so much? What is the sucky part of dating? Why does the very word fill so many with fear and trepidation?

Dating is like a job interview. That's probably quite close to the mark. You have to be on your best behaviour to try and impress the person across the table from you that you're the right person for the job as life partner. And it's the same, if they don't like you you don't get the job. If you don't like them or they make you feel uncomfortable, you don't take the job.

Dating is very uncomfortable. But, is it as uncomfortable as sitting next to a hugely obese man whose ample body overflows from his seat onto yours on a flight from Dubai to Shanghai, where if he isn't snoring loudly he's farting silently, and every time he lifts an arm you almost pass out from the reek of his armpit? Dating is uncomfortable because you're having to move out of your comfort zone and enter unchartered territory. Going into the unknown can be very daunting.

I hate not knowing. Well, unless you're psychic or a clairvoyant, you will never know, will you. And if you do know, then where is the anticipation or the surprise? Sometimes you have to just go with your gut instinct and take a chance.

I can't be bothered to share myself with anybody again. Yeah, yeah, same old, same old. It does get tiring telling the same stories and relating the same incidents over and over again. It is demotivating to open yourself up again to someone, and risk them abusing your trust and all that openess was for nought.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring for a follow-up date, even if I don't want to see that person again. Make up your bloody mind. If you don't want to see them again, then why the hell are you wasting your time waiting for the phone to ring? Sounds like you crave the attention and enjoy being the one doing the rejecting.

I hate spending money on a girl and then she doesn't put out. Then not only has she wasted my time, but my money as well. Oh well, you have to get some who equates a date with sex. They think if they spend all their pocket money on a date then they'll be able to get their leg over. Unfortunately, some people might milk the dating process, enjoy watching you spend your hard earned cash while you try to impress them, and they have no intention of ever putting out. This is a lost cause. When you run out of money, they are history and you've never managed to get laid.

I hate the falseness of it, and people being all fake to try and impress you. This is probably because people are uncertain of what you want, what you're looking for. They take a gamble on what they think you might like, and try and change to be that person.It would be much better if they were just themselves. But, people fear rejection so, that they will do anything to avoid being rejected, even being fake. But, it's probably when their voluptuous bosoms turn out to be their brother's rolled up hockey socks that you really have to get worried.

I hate it when you mistake a good date with just a good bonk. There are times when you think the date has gone really well, you've both felt that animal attraction and you end up having the most mind-blowing passionate sex on the first date. Then, they never call you back. You can scatch your head until your nails rake tracks on your scalp, but you'll never know why they never called. Obviously, they were just looking to get laid and nothing more.

I hate it when the early interest slows down and you don't get as many texts and emails. Unfortunately, it never takes long for the novelty to wear off and the excitement of the chase to end. When they think they have you hooked, they feel that they don't need to devote as much time to catching you.

I hate it that so many men are uncircumsized. Maybe you need to carry around a couple of cotton earbuds and some antiseptic and make foreskin cleaning a part of your foreplay. Alternatively, carry around a small sharp nail scissors and snip it off. That way, the next time you date they'll be uncircumsized.

I hate being really hooked on my date and they obviously don't feel the same way. This is always the problem when you know what you're looking for in a partner, but you don't know what the other person is looking for. Sometimes, your date might just be looking for a quick shag or a part-time relationship and you don't fit the bill. Don't feel despondent. Console yourself with the fact that FATE has intervened and spared you from a probable psychopathic pathologically lying schizophrenic stalker.

I hate dating because it's a pain trying to feign interest in learning about someone else who doesn't really interest you. This is hard as you don't want to appear rude, but who gives a shit why their partner cheated on them. If they start trying to talk about things which don't interest you, yawn pointedly, look at your watch, or change the subject to a far more interesting one.

I hate it when I can't get their name right on the first date. Okay, this is a bad mistake to make and maybe you need to make up a silly song with their name in it to get it commited to your memory. Calling a date by the wrong name is a faux pas of the enth degree.

I hate it when I pay for everything and the date doesn't even try to impress me. Well, maybe they just don't find you impressive enough and can't be bothered to impress you. Sometimes, throwing your money around is not enough to get into someone's pants.

I hate it when you take out a girl and they order the most expensive thing on the menu, and you realise you don't even like them, but now you've already invested so much money into the relationship. This is when you console yourself with the thought that you've just paid for a very expensive life's lesson. Never take a girl to a restaurant where you can't easily afford the most expensive food on the menu. They're not really impressed by expensive restaurants as it seems like you're trying to buy them. Some girls don't like to be bought and they'll pay you back by ordering the most expensive item on the menu.

I hate awkward silences when you both try and think of what you can say. If you're having awkward silences, then you obviously don't have much in common, so just end the date, go off home and save yourselves time and money.

I hate not knowing what the other person is thinking. Find an online psychic course and you'll be able to tell what your date is thinking. Sometimes, people might act one way but they're actually just going through the motions and doing what is expected of them, when they are actually thinking something completely different. You'll never be able to figure out what they're really thinking, so why waste your energy trying to read their mind.

I am never sure if I am reading the signals correctly, like do they want sex on the first date. If any man had a choice, he'd be wanting sex on the first date even if he doesn't like you. It's not easy to read the signals. Sometimes, "I need to go to the bathroom," does not mean follow her to the toilet at the restaurant and have mad sex on the toilet seat in the cubicle. But then again, sometimes it might. Reading the signals is a bit of a hit and miss affair.

I never know when I should call them back without appearing too eager. If you're interested call. But calling within five minutes of leaving them is tantamount to stalking. Don't inundate their inbox with text messages either as that is a definite passion killer.

I hate blind dates, especially when people misrepresent themselves. Buffed body and intelligent can turn out to be geeky and weedy with an IQ the size of a retarded ant. Sometimes, friends misrepresent friends when they set you up on a blind date. There's also a hint of desperation in the whole blind date scenario. If they're so perfect, then why are they resorting to blind dates to get a date?

I hate breaking the ice the first time by saying the wrong things and then feeling stupid afterwards. Sometimes nerves on a first date can make you say the most random things and many freudian slips are made at times like these. Like him catching you staring at his crotch or at her ample mammary glands. Or, when he says, "Can you please pass me the breasts," instead of the salt.

I hate having peas in the restaurant. When you eat out for the first time and struggle to keep them on your fork before it reaches your mouth. Murphy's Law I'm afraid. If you're ever going to shoot a forkful of peas across the table, or cut your tender chicken breast only to find the other half hop off your plate and take flight off the table onto the floor, it'll be on your first date. The golden rule of first dates, only order non-messy foods and stay clear of spaghetti bolognaise or Asian noodles.

I hate it when other people show an interest in your date and start to flirt with them while you are standing right next to them, and your date likes it. If they're basking in the attention like a chimpanzee at a chimpanzee's tea party in the zoo, then dump them and move on. Flirting on the first date with other people while you stand there and grin like an idiot who's just had a frontal lobotomy, is not on at all.

I hate saying goodbye at the end of the date, not knowing if I must kiss on the cheek or lips or what. Just a hunch, it'll probably be the 'or what' that is expected. Go for the European double cheek kiss, and if they want a 'lips on the mouth' type of kiss, then they can move their head while you're moving to the other cheek, and latch onto your lips like there's a magnetic pull of some kind.

I hate it when parents or friends make nasty comments about my date. Rule of thumb. Friends and family are usually right as they see what you can't see through your rose-coloured glasses.

I hate it when the man you are dating is trying to be funny to impress you and you find it hard to smile or laugh as what they said wasn't at all funny. If the man can't make you genuinely laugh, dump him. Smiling falsely will give a woman serious wrinkles and will require you to have expensive plastic surgery in the future.

I hate it when after dating for a while, my date loses their manners and farts and burps after drinking beer. Be pleased that they feel comfortable enough around you to show you the real deal. If it offends you, tell them, be honest. If you don't like it, stop wasting any more time and energy in this pasrticular dating process.

Dating is exhausting as smiling inanely hurts my face. As mentioned above, it is not good for your complexion and appearance and there will be longterm effects. Maybe a pharmaceutical company needs to develop a 'Dating Tonic' which serial daters can use to boost their body's energy levels.

Dating sucks and nobody finds it easy. If most people hate it, then why do we do it? Is there another way to meet up with a life partner, other than going through the trials and tribulations of dating?

Here's a thought. Let's look at animals, as humans are really just a slightly more advanced form of animal. Take dogs for instance. They don't date at all. When the bitch is ovulating, she gives off a scent that attracts every randy dog in the neighbourhood. She lifts her tail, the dogs sniff her posterior end, get an erection, mount her and bonk away until climax, then leave, never to see her again.

Imagine, if we were like dogs. If some perfume factory managed to create a special scent called 'Ovulation Scent.' When a woman knew she was ovulating, she'd spray herself with Ovulation Scent and walk down the road. Soon, males from all over will be following her and only the strongest will get near her. He'd have to sniff her nether regions, whip out his erection and fornicate madly, before zipping up and going back to work. This could do wonders for the motel industry, in case people don't fancy just doing it on the street. Physiotherapists and masseuses will also make a fortune as many men will put their backs out when bending at the waist to sniff a woman. All this increased business - perfume companies, hotels and physiotherapists, might also create more job opportunities and ease the global credit crisis. People will be more relaxed - women because they'll only be having sex when they're in the mood, and men - because they'll be getting plenty of action as they'll continually encounter women wearing 'Ovulation Scent.' This could be something to look for in the future.

Seriously, dating is not that great. There has to be another way not yet discovered. People shouldn't have to endure awkward uncomfortable moments, just to meet a partner. The fact that so many people hate dating, has to say something.  Dating sucks way more than an Electrolux.