Reasons for Avoiding Marriage the Second Time Around

Divorce Statistics

First marriages (neither person has been married before) between 40 and 50%.

Second marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married once before) the rate jumps to between 60 and 67%.

Third marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married twice before), the rate jumps even higher to 70-73%.

from Utah Divorce Orientation (Copyyright 2016)

"Many people . . . rush into another marriage for the wrong reasons or before they've figured out what went wrong the last time," according to Jim Duzak, self-styled Attorney at Love. The divorcees who supplied the reasons for this article seem to be more cautious than most. They are definitely not rushing; in fact they lean toward avoiding marriage the second time.

Considering the Divorce Rate statistics which inform us that 60% to 67% of all second marriages fail, we can understand their caution. (The statistics on first marriages show a divorce rate of between 40 and 50%).

The contributors have been divorced for ten years or more, some for almost twenty. Except for fear, their reasons are very different from the reasons of the never-married who contributed to Why Did I NOT Get Married?

The reasons are listed in the first person as the divorcees expressed them, and are grouped into four categories. Some are compiled by merging the opinions of two or more people. Instead of judging them, we can learn from them and let their lessons influence singleness or marriage in a positive way.

"Afraid to have another person blame me for ruining his/her life."  Photo by Tangopaso
"Afraid to have another person blame me for ruining his/her life." Photo by Tangopaso | Source

(1) A Different Kind of Fear

In this batch of reasons, there is no mention of naivety, asexuality and different faiths which featured in the first article. Also interesting is the fact that their fear has a different dimension. The first time it was the fear of uncertainty. This time the fears are:

  • fear of repeating failure;
  • fear of seeming foolish—not being wise enough to learn from their mistakes;
  • fear of proving that they were the bad apples in the first marriage;
  • fear of the probability that they could be habitual offenders.

Here are some of their fear expressions:

  • I am afraid to have another person blame me for ruining his/her life.
  • I’m looking for an upgrade on the last spouse I had. I’d be embarrassed to enter a second marriage thinking that I found what I wanted, only to discover that I have been duped the second time around.
  • The first time was rough. The real hell was not the marriage, although that was terrible; it was the near-insanity situation after it ended. I couldn’t survive that if were to happen again.
  • I'm not sure if my ex-spouse will marry again, and if the stepparent will be kind to my kids. I want to stay single so my house could always be a house of refuge and retreat for them.
  • I'm afraid to get trapped again in a marriage relationship while I am still meeting other people I want to spend time with. That messed me up the first time.


(2) Issues with Finances and Children

Afraid "to be bothered with raising other children a second time around."  Photo by Ian Bowater
Afraid "to be bothered with raising other children a second time around." Photo by Ian Bowater | Source
  • I fell in love with another woman who could have been my second wife, but she could not wrap her head around losing half my income to child support every month.
  • Marrying again would mean including someone else in the will, and that might damage my relationship with the children.
  • (From a mother): I'd rather be alone, than spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder at a man, and possibly his sons, to make sure that they treat my daughters with respect. Protecting my children is my priority, and I prefer to live without a man in the house.
  • (From a father): I will not marry again unless I marry someone younger, but that introduces a problem I don't want. A younger person probably has children in the house. I have already raised my children, and I don't want to be bothered with raising other children a second time around. This is my time to relax without screaming kids and arguments about curfews.


(3) Desire for Freedom

  • Sometimes I get lonely, but I’d trade the hell I used to live in for my freedom from bondage any day.
  • My closest friends are other divorced males and females. It is pretty much the consensus that we maintain uncomplicated friendships without expectations and obligations. I could live with that.
  • I have a new appreciation for freedom. Second time around, I won't risk losing it just because I like spending time with someone--who may change and, in the process, change my desire for that's person's company.


(4) First Love Syndrome

  • Marriage loses its significance after the first time. The solemnity and symbolism can never be re-created.
  • My spouse died and I have difficulty allowing anyone else to share that space. I could still feel the bond of love between us.
  • I still have feelings for my ex, although he cheated on me with my best friend. I wished somebody told me I could forgive him; I would have taken him back before he married her.
  • It would be a waste of time trying to love anyone as much as I loved my ex-spouse; and I refuse to marry except for love.


Counsel Worth Watching

Conclusion

The reasons expressed in this article are real; but no two people have the identical experience. There are still many second marriages that work.

To the married-once-not-again, "You can still live happily ever after if you trust God, cherish your friendships, and live purposefully."

To those who decide to attempt a second marriage, proceed cautiously. Get counsel. The article linked above and accompanying video may be helpful.

Either way, find the joy of living within your single self, and make the pursuit of your purpose a priority.

© 2011 Dora Isaac Weithers

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Comments 12 comments

Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

I married for the second time after my divorce from my first husband, and it was a big mistake. I re-married on the re-bound. The ones who said, "Never again" are the smart ones.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Sorry about your mistake, Paradise7. I bet you're wiser now, and that puts you among the smart ones. All the best for the future.


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 5 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Hello MsDora, I can relate to the Freedom reason. It was easier to be alone than be aggravated and neglected every day of my life. But when that right one comes along our eyes have to be open in order to see.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

You're right again, PegCole17. Where there's life, there's hope.


moonlake profile image

moonlake 5 years ago from America

Good hub. Enjoyed reading.


Anjili profile image

Anjili 5 years ago from planet earth, a humanoid

Hi MsDora,

That was very well said. People experience life at varied angles. What one likes is what another abhors. Inspite of all the differences, we all have the right to experience happiness.

My take on this is 'never say never' because you never know what God has prepared for you on the morrow.

A very fine lass or lad can easily sweep you off your feet long after you feel you are done with marriage. I have seen a 75 year old man marry a 25 year old girl


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

I agree, Anjili. "We all have the right to experience happiness," and we never know when or where we will find that happiness.


Dee aka Nonna profile image

Dee aka Nonna 5 years ago

This is a good hub, excellent information and insight. I've been married twice...I lost my first husband to a heart disease while we were still young. The second one well...too long a story may write about it sometimes. But after the experience I promised myself I would not marry again unless God himself walked in the door and present him to me...LOL Anyway, I think I went through those two experiences for a reason and I am using my experience for good.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Dee, we have a lot in common. I was married once and I have also been waiting for God to drop a husband in my lap, fearful to get one any other way. I appreciate you.


Dee aka Nonna profile image

Dee aka Nonna 5 years ago

Thank you...I appreciate you as well and very happy I found you...you found me. I love your reference to Dora the Explorer....I adore Dora she is pretty cool.

So much for choosing....fearful is only part of it .... choosing is dangerous (smile)


kerlynb profile image

kerlynb 5 years ago from Philippines, Southeast Asia, Earth ^_^

"I still have feelings for my ex, although he cheated on me with my best friend. I wished somebody told me I could forgive him; I would have taken him back before he married her." - Wow, this woman is really head over heels with her ex. But I hope she finds happiness even without him. She deserves to be happy, just like everybody else.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

You and me both, kerlynb, share the wish for everyone to move forward and establish a purposeful life that brings them meaning and joy. Thanks for your comment.

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