Why Do Girls Always Go For the Bad Boys?

This subject came up in discussion on one of my hubs recently. I said I'd read alot of theories written about why women always fall for the bad boy. But none of them made sense to me. So I had to work my own theory.

What is it about the bad boy that attracts the girls?

It's projection. She sees in him something she has in herself.

It could be a part of her that she lost in the midst of growing up and taking on responsibility. It could be that she misses that rebel she once was or could have been.

He represents her spirit. Not the grand one - the one that guides her through her real life: her career, her child rearing, her better judgment. It's the other spirit. The one buried. The one that reflects her inner animal. 

When a woman goes after the bad boy, she's really going after herself. She lives out the cycle within the relationship, that she walks through in her mind in regard to her own life. 

At first, he is fun and wild. Carefree and dangerous. The attraction is intoxicating to act impulsively and without fear of repercussion. She spreads her wings and enjoys being rootless and ruthless.

And then, her real-self kicks in. 

She begins to try to change him. Just as she has changed herself as she has grown up. She wants him to settle down and be happy with just one woman. She wants him to stop taking chances and living in a risky way. She wants him to grow up. Just as she had to.

The exercise is futile but powerful. There sill be a great sense of validation in the taming, as it goes to prove that her own taming was inevitable and righteous. When she can conquer the badboy and win him over to her growth, than she is confirming her own.

Of course, the bad boy is not usually ready to surrender himself and change. She is left with feelings of frustration, and even failure. Eventually she asks herself why does she repeat this pattern.

Eventually, something happens, something inside of her changes. Maybe she begins to project the feelings of failure. Just as she sees in the bad boy her inner rebel, maybe she at some point begins to project onto him the failed relationship feelings as well. She begins to see, or project, that the bad boy is kinda lonely or played. She begins to realize bad boys don't bring her happiness and completion. She becomes aware that the things she wants in life don't include him.

This represents her meeting a new level of security in her world. Maybe she's realized she wants to be a mother and those protective mommy-instincts kick in and she thinks about the caliber and kind of person that would best be a father. Maybe she has begun climbing the corporate ladder or building her own business and has come to realize she appreciates focus and goals in others. Or she realizes that arrest records, dirty drug tests, coming in late or banging off work all add up to a life she doesn't want. Maybe it's that her heart matured and she now comprehends commitment and stamina.

This is esoterically metaphoric for her own relinquishment of her inner badness. Maturity comes in layers. First steps are taken gradually, then they are enhanced, strengthened. Even validated.

For a while it was hard to make mature choices. Or, at least, it was a conscious decision. And then she doesn't have to think about it anymore. Her goals are in focus, the life she wants is clear, and the steps she needs to take become second nature.

Many women have the inner bad-ass in them, that they chase, embrace, and have a love-hate with. But eventually, even thought they may wink at their bad-selves every now and again, they let go so they can hold on to something more substantial inside of themselves, and for themselves.

Some women take a little longer than others, and some never make it all the way there, to their own insides.

I wrote this in symbol and gesture as a measure to a means.

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16 comments

De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

As one of the original "bad boys" in my youth, with respect, the woman's dependence that youdescribe has to do a lot with great sex. Without this, no matter how "bad" a boy is, the woamn will not hang around. :-)


Norah Casey profile image

Norah Casey 6 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Hi Veronica, I really enjoyed your hub!

I think many women, deep down, don't want to convert/save/help their bad boy. They know that once that happens, the man who is uncovered may not be very interesting after all.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Hi norah casey,

I agree, but I still think it's part of their projection pattern. Not wanting to convert your bad boy means, not wanting to surrender your inner badness. And if the second part is true, that they feel without his badness he's not going to be interesting, then that's a direct reflection of how she feels about herself: She's afraid to let go of whatever "badness" she thinks she is, because she fears that's all she really is.


Norah Casey profile image

Norah Casey 6 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Ah, that is a solid argument. I'm sure that many individuals respond to others in a fashion that is almost entirely based on inner feelings rather than external conditions. This is probably more common in situations such as flings and dating 'bad boys,' which are almost entirely centered on self-gratification.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks norah. Excellent point, self gratifying situations are certainly a magnifying glass on something going on much deeper inside of a person. So glad you decided to read me tonight. Thanks!


Iðunn 6 years ago

I totally love this. I just got in from coffee and saw it when I checked my comments. Someone who commented to me, commented to this and I came here first. :D

I think it's a fantastic piece. I hope you're right, too.

:)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Iðunn. You are the one that encouraged me to write this. So, double-thanks! xo


Iðunn 6 years ago

Got to pull this part out:

"At first, he is fun and wild. Carefree and dangerous. The attraction is intoxicating to act impulsively and without fear of repercussion. She spreads her wings and enjoys being rootless and ruthless.

And then, her real-self kicks in."

Just brilliant and so poetically written.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks so much Iðunn. I worked on this one for a few days, trying to get the wording right.


Iðunn 6 years ago

haha, dagreek is totally right, the great sex is a lot of it. :o


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

Yes the bad boy syndrome and why it attracts girls so much. I definitely was attracted to bad boys and yes eventually tried to change them as you said. Unfortunately many women marry these bad boys thinking that they will change but most of the time nothing but pain comes out of the relationship for the woman and unfortunately kids if they are involved. Happy Easter.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Happy Easter to you too, ladyjane1. It is always unfortunate when someone marries the wrong person and things end in pain for all involved.


Gerg profile image

Gerg 6 years ago from California

Just reflecting on this - I also wonder whether it feels like the bad boy is reflecting his true, gritty, authentic self, instead of the polished sheen of the "good boy", who manipulates, feels more fake-good and doesn't truly reveal his true nature.


getmyback 6 years ago

I think men sometimes don't understand how much a woman enjoys a good challenge as well. Bad Boys offer the hint of that to come, keeping it interesting.

Thank you for a great hub

billY


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks billY - and congrats to you and Jane xoxo


Miss Info profile image

Miss Info 6 years ago from New York City

interesting

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