Why Do Men Sabotage Relationships By Doing The Houdini Act?

Man who sees a deal-breaker on a woman, but won't share it with her.
Man who sees a deal-breaker on a woman, but won't share it with her.
Man who enjoys the attention of women, but the smirk gives it away that he's not looking for anything serious.
Man who enjoys the attention of women, but the smirk gives it away that he's not looking for anything serious.
"I'll play shy and tell her what she wants to hear, until I get what I want and pull a Houdini."
"I'll play shy and tell her what she wants to hear, until I get what I want and pull a Houdini."
No, don't look away, look at me... let me stay with you." (Saturday Night Live, "Hurlihy Boy" with Adam Sandler).
No, don't look away, look at me... let me stay with you." (Saturday Night Live, "Hurlihy Boy" with Adam Sandler).

"Don't make me leave, please, I won't bother you... let me move in with you. I already slept in your bed." - SNL

Why do men sabotage perfectly good relationships? This is what motivates me to work as a freelance writer of relationship advice.

It's no mystery: I write relationship advice for experts-- for peanuts. Yes, I've read all the books, articles and lived through the toughest dating moments to know what all this is about. I'm proud of it and ashamed at the same time.

Why? Because I was married for 15 years, and didn't even know half the stuff I know now. I guess I read the cliff notes to make it until the whole ship sank. So now I'm ready for the full on SAT exam of love: I've done my research and I'll do a great job, I promise!

Only, there's a problem: the guys are not playing along according to the expert "rules."

What? You ask. Let me explain.

I refuse to follow any dating rules, other than be myself at all times. If that means getting too physical, too fast, then shoot-- I make mistakes, too. But I go into dates with my positive attitude, avoid the topic of ex-baggage, and live in the moment. Sounds like I should meet someone I can relate to by now, right? Wrong.

What have I learned? The rules don't mean a thing if the other person drops the ball.

Why do men keep sabotaging dating relationships? That is my final answer, er, question. Really. I thought men are looking for a connection, too-- at least the more mature ones. So why don't they give a woman a fair chance to get to know her before they decide she's not what he's looking for?

I started to realize a pattern in all my relationship attempts: I was open-minded about dating all kinds of men: short, balding, younger, older, students (in college-- of course!), shy, cocky-- you name it. My main deal-breaker was if a guy was too physical or negative about life, but many just stopped communicating with me after only one or two dates.

And so I call this the "Houdini Act".... when a guy disappears, and you're left wondering "why?"

I read a great book on this subject by John Gray Ph.D., Mars and Venus On a Date. In his relationship expert position, he suggested that for men, the best way to decide if you are compatible with a woman is to date one woman at a time, and give her several weeks of dating to see if you feel any connection (*laughing in my mind*). From my experience, it seems most men do the opposite: they date multiple women, sort of like sampling chocolates from a gift box, tasting to see which one they like the best. Only, John Gray says this very act keeps men from finding true love (since they have one track minds, and several women can confuse their line of thought).

Meanwhile, he suggests that women do the opposite: date several men (as to not get emotionally attached to just one) as she gets to know them, and picks one that best suits her. Now, most women do the opposite by dating one guy at a time, and regardless of whether or not he's right for her, she sort of settles into her "relationship" with him-- at least until he pulls the Houdini Act and she can start looking again.

So, relationships have eluded me for some time, and I have to say: I do love my freedom. But I never realized how hard it is to even establish a relationship. Or maybe I'm having a streak of bad luck with guys who are going through more drama than I am. I'll keep watching for a guy to come along who's as open-minded (and has an open heart) and patient when it comes to finding love. I think he's stuck in traffic somewhere.

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Comments 39 comments

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Oh my.., Shame on us men! I hope is not me, who you are referring to. That would hurt me so much! At least you have a clearer view of your priorities Sheila. Just be yourself and love yourself. If a man is not worth your time... why should you overlook his flaws? We men, and women too, will ever hardly change. Life is not like in the movies. We all live this existence with pain or emotions close to happiness. Hope you get your life in order, and we will be here to listen and read your hubs and that internal cry for help. Take care Sheila!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

You can hem and haw all you want it's 50/50 no getting around it.


Mellonyy profile image

Mellonyy 4 years ago

What a great learning hub, I know what is "Houdini Act".... now:)Thanks!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Another great hub!

Truth be told I have never heard any of my male friends declare they were "looking to have a relationship, settle down, or get married". I believe for a lot of men these things "just happen" they are not goals. Most likely if a man pulls a "Houdini Act" a woman should probably count her blessings! As you stated the best advice to "be yourself" and let the chips fall where they may. It's a waste of time trying to figure out what other people are looking for or want. Like most of us they'll know it when they see it. :-)


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

I had to edit the rant from last night, but I still stand firm with my view that men abuse the Houdini Act. And why do I get frustrated, you ask? Because I tell guys right off the bat that I'm not interested in flings... oh, maybe that's why they *poof* disappear?

Dashing: I know men don't go in with a plan like that, but to be honest, neither do I. I just want to see how I feel with a guy, and see if there's some kind of connection. I guess I'm just more patient with men than reversed.


Mr Love Doctor profile image

Mr Love Doctor 4 years ago from Puerto Rico

@dashingscorpio, You may not hear that a lot, but that's because you're a woman, I take it. Trust me, when it's just a group of guys and no ladies are within earshot, the conversation inevitably turns to relationships. Specifically, they will often turn to the happily married man in the room and ask, "How did you do it, man? What's your secret sauce?" Men want a good, lasting relationship just as much as anyone else. The difference is - and I scream this to any woman who will listen - men and women define "commitment" differently. Not better or worse, just differently. If you want something from a man, you have to break it down to him in his language. I spend as much time counseling men to understand what a woman means by commitment as I do anything else. I have a Hub about that, if you care to look.

@wonderful1, This article is a very thought-provoking and wise exposé for women who are just getting into the love business. I really appreciate how you don't come down on your ex but use that negative experience as a launchpad to learning about your own needs. Too many young women have the curious dichotomy of unrealistic "Twilight"-type expectations and the freezing fear of getting into a bad situation due to other women being so negative about their exes. And it becomes a self-reinforcing loop of bad karma all around. (Then Kristen has to go cheat on R-Patz and just make it worse, but that's another story.) Thank you for keeping it clean. I know a few friends I'm e-mailing this to.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Mr. Love Doc: that was hilarious! Yeah, I dropped the fairytale expectations a while ago, and I'm really just looking for a deep, emotional connection and understanding (companionship). I thought your take on men was intriguing-- you don't say? Men want what we do, huh? The guys I've been dating sure could have fooled me. Men don't use logic when choosing partners, and I think that's why (a lot of them) they skip the "good catch" and are attracted to the drama types. I heard that woman who are shut off and aloof are the ones who get a man to do crazy things for them. Oops-- I'm too open and warm to everyone, so shoot. Whatever... I'm done trying to figure it all out.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Mr. Love Doctor; I'm actually a married man who played freshman football in high school, was in the U.S. Coast Guard reserves, and pledged a fraternity while attending college. Maybe there are some guys out there in search of a wife but they did not run in the same circles I did which is why I said (my male friends). And according to a lot of the (best selling books) out there for women on how to get a man to "commit", The Rules, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, How to cook the "engagement chicken dinner" and so forth... There must be a lot of women having a hard time finding a man who is looking to get married. I read that seventy-five percent of all relationship/dating advice books are purchased by women. Maybe men suffer in silence.

I suspect a lot of it is simple gender differences. Most men did not spend their childhoods dreaming of their wedding day, feeding and caring for dolls, pushing strollers, dressing up like Prince Charming, or thumbing through the pages of "Groom Magazine" if there is such a thing. A woman in her early 20s who wants to get married is not likely find a man her own age that is ready or mature enough to settle down. There are also a lot of men who have been married and divorced who subcribe to the "once bitten twice shy" way of thinking. LOL


Mr Love Doctor profile image

Mr Love Doctor 4 years ago from Puerto Rico

@dashingscorpio - amen.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Wonderful1 you may be onto something, "Men don't use logic when choosing partners, and I think that's why (a lot of them) they skip the "good catch" and are attracted to the drama types".

I personally think it is a (phase thing). Lots of "nice guys" have witnessed women chase after the "bad boy". As someone once wrote; "We adore those who ignore us and ignore those who adore us." A lot of women in my day lived by that saying. Maybe it's human nature to be intrigued by a "challenge" until one becomes wise. LOL!


Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 4 years ago from San Francisco

Sadly, I did this a long time ago. Even more sadly, I developed a conscience. What I did still haunts me. You see she moved and made it impossible to find her.


taazakhabar profile image

taazakhabar 4 years ago from New Delhi, India

A very thought-provoking but why single out men only when women too often end up spoiling a relationship or two.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Good point, taazakhabar: I think dashingscorpio said it the best with "we adore those who ignore us and ignore those who adore us." I'll add to that: good guys/women seem "boring" and not much of a challenge, while the drama king/queens bring in excitement-- they have to be overcome to obtain, and that's why people chase after them.

Flighty people come in both sexes no doubt. It makes finding a good match who even stays for true love seem even more of a magical moment. I think I'll find a unicorn faster.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA

Wonderful, your hub reminds me of my best friend's life, too. She could have written it word for word if she was a writer, lived in California, and had read those books.

Seriously, though, I found myself wondering if you do the same thing to the men you date as I once did (and have seen many other women do). Is it possible that you turn off to a certain type of man who *is* commitment minded because they seem too drab and instead go for the exciting ones only to find they're all POOF and no substance?


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Hi jellygator! I wonder about that too, and when I asked my girls if it could be true, I got "you're too flirty! That is a turn-off for nice guys."

If that's true, then I guess I'm just destined to be alone. I'm certainly not going to change my personality to "keep a man." What you see is what you get-- and I love to flirt! Ironically, when I was married, I only flirted with my husband-- I knew the parameters of fidelity. If my friendly/confident attitude is a deal-breaker for the good guys, eh! They're missing out on a great lady (their loss).

But as I said before, I'm out of the dating pool. I'm too focused on the full plate before me to worry about guys.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

You are so right. I am amazed sometimes that anyone ever gets together as a couple. Some people make it look so easy. I have tried dating 3 or 4 men at once so I don't get too attached. In the end, I still pick a favorite and obsess over him until he vanishes. Sigh.

Great hub and voted up!


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

That's a good opinion. I to have studied dating and I have my own dating advice that I give people. I was actually going to start a dating company sometime in the next few years for this reason. Im going to say it depends on the guy and the girl. Guys that like to stick to one girl are drawn to girls that like to date multiple guys, reason is the chase factor. I'm a guy that dates one girl at a time, as well as a lot of my friends do the same, and every time I would go on a date, the girl I went with on the date is a girl that dates a lot of men at the same time. She liked keeping her options open. Girls do the same, if you are a one date type of girl then you draw to you guys that date multiple girls. You think that by dating the bad boy maybe you can change his view. Unless you can change your thoughts about it and start thinking positive about finding a great guy for yourself, you are going to stay in that same rut that you're always in. I give advice for girls because I don't ever like to see a girl get hurt, especially by guys that don't deserve her. Half the guys these beautiful girls fall for are half as good looking as I am. Im not saying I'm that great looking but the guys that some beautiful girls date are the bad boy type. They have that factor of which I don't that draws that girl to them. It's funny, while I was on the road for work I would go on several dates one at a time, and Im a very shy guy, I like to talk but I'm very shy. And it's funny the girls that I attracted. In every state that I was in the girls that I ended up going on dates with were models, bartenders, dancers, etc. This isn't my type, as I don't like to drink, I don't go to bars, and I don't go to clubs. In the end we had things in common but they liked to date multiple guys and so on. We attract what we subcon think about. I just wanted to throw my opinion in there since I'm not the multiple dates kind of guy :) Great hub though :) I'm sure in a big city a lot of guys are multiple girls type of guys. That's why a lot of girls do like the guy with southern hospitality :)


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

Fear of intimacy and commitment. Some women are too easy and they are not much of a challenge to a man. When something is too easy, men don't see the worth and as a result, they don't invest too much of their time. The push and pull technique... Men will often pull away from a woman because they need their own space. Perhaps, they are stressed about something or need to work out something. the last thing they want is their nagging girlfriend asking him what's wrong honey? Some women wonder how long a man will remain in his cave and fear losing him. Anyway, if you leave him alone and do your own thing, he will come back to you in a more loving way.

Throughout the years, I have come across different types of guys. (mostly players too) These types of guys will often pull the Houdini act. From my own experience, I can tell you that when a man pulls away is because he is trying to juggle several women at the same time. This is your clue and he is letting you know that he is not looking for anything more than sex. A woman who invests her emotions in this type of guy is pretty much wasting her time. The same guy who pulled the Houdini act will probably contact you again whenever he is bored or has run out of options. He will call you around 9 or 10pm and asks you if you want to meet up. Meanwhile, he gets another call places you on hold and if something better comes along then he cancels plans with you. If you do get to see him on that particular mind, you will probably go out for drinks and from there he will feed you a couple of bull shit lies and see if he can get lucky, which is why ladies, you should make yourself very scarce so in that way you will never be a man's second option. The way you handle the first three months of getting to know someone is what will determine whether a guy wants to settle down with you or not. I don't know, I am here on a sat night on hubpages and I have mastered the rules of dating so my guy must be stuck on traffic somewhere. LOL.


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

Or he's stuck on hubpages too ;) lol I don't go out to bars, or clubs because if you are looking for love in a place like that you might as well say hey all perverted guys I want your numbers. That's not the place to look for love. A place to look for someone is in our every day routine. I understand that for girls they wait for the guy to talk to them but why? I understand you want to be chased. I think girls are less confident than guys when it comes to this. Girls worry too much about how they look, and guys worry too much about what the girl will say. I'm going to give everyone who reads this a test. Go out everyday and do two things that will scare the crap out of you. Do two things that take you out of your comfort zone. The more you do this the more confidence you will build and the better your dating situations will go. :)


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

And I've never been afraid of intimacy or commitment so where's all these good girls at? lol :)


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

It's usually the ones we aren't interested in that never go away. Lol.


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

I know right lol This system is corrupt we need to start a new one lol you, wonderful1, and I will all begin a new system for people to go by :)


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Hey, isenhower: send some smart, funny and closer to 4o guys like you my way in Southern California. I'm currently on a dating hiatus and haven't been happier. Not obsessing about being in a relationship has been sooooo liberating! I love the freedom, mobility and stress-free/drama-free days. My best wishes to you (I saw your pics-- you should have no problem picking up women!).


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

I actually lived out in Southern Cali for a little bit. I loved it out there and can't wait to go back. If you know of any good jobs that would be available let me know because I miss cali :( My brother and my best friend still live out there in San Diego. I want to go back so bad but without a job in line I can't do that. I traveled to the Anaheim area quite a few times.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Oh wow, small world! I'm in SD area, but trying to move back to LA. No good jobs here I'm afraid.... We in SoCal would love to have you. Anyone who wants to make something of themselves and applies talent to their passion is a welcome addition. Come, struggle, but make a living doing what you love. That is the California motto.


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

If i can get a job lined up over there I will be back :) My brother lives in spring valley right outside SD. I lived there for about 6 months. I can't wait to go back. Will be a great day indeed. I'd like to start college here and transfer so I can get a good job. I wish I could make a living doing what I love out there. If you find anything you let me know :)


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

I'm in your shoes. Only I'm midlife and have 3 kids to support. No one said life would be this complicated/hard. But when you have no choice, all you can do is keep on keeping on.

I'll probably be going back to college to get my degree. It's insane, but $10/hour will not cut it for a single woman, let alone a mother of three.

In the end, if you have to struggle to make ends meet, at least you should love what you're doing, right? And have family and friends around you to sugarcoat the bad days. Well, at least until a "main squeeze" fills your empty days.


isenhower33 profile image

isenhower33 4 years ago from Crothersville, IN

My mom was a single mother of three boys, so I know how hard it can be being one of the kids. But we understand, and it made us a lot better men in the end. Good luck with everything and heck maybe i'll see you in college one day lol :)


themadimadimadi profile image

themadimadimadi 4 years ago from Denver, Colorado

:) I hope many men read this. Lovely.


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Most men think they know all about women and often they test a woman on her character either to see how easy she can be or if they would fail in attempt. Excellent points here


Not John Smith 3 years ago

Ok, here's the problem. I'll try to make this short.

You do NOT understand HOW to do what you want. Knowing how to do something is EVERYTHING.

For instance, you want love and appreciation and devotion, plus lots of hot sex, right? Fine! But, you can't say that to men. As strange as it sounds, you have to CONCEAL that fact, and pretend to be aloof!

Unless you're with a loser, in which case he's needy too. Then, it's fine to be honest with him.

But, if you're with a HOT man, who is 15 years younger, then you absolutely need to act like he is not good enough for you. At the very least, you need to act aloof. See, you do not know this, so you show all your cards to everyone, and you lose at the game of love.

Relationship with attractive people are about POWER and manipulation, because that's what it takes to win. Everyone in the upper echelon is looking to get the best person that they can. so, you need to work from a strategy of power and control, rather than love and devotion. You see, attractive people can already get all the love and devotion they need. They are not like you. So, when you play with them, you need to make it obvious that you understand the game.

I can't explain everything in this stupid little box, but let me say that aloof is your best move in life.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 3 years ago from Southern California Author

Not John Smith-- would you be suggesting I play "games?" Be aloof when every pore in my body is warm and affectionate? I guess I've had it all wrong by being myself. Okay, seriously (sort of) now, I'd rather just be a strong little trooper on my own than change who I am. It's dishonest: after all, if I get a guy by being aloof, he'll eventually learn that I'm not like that at all, and I'll be exposed as a fraud.

One thing that I CAN do and have been doing (RE: your post) is too be more at ease on my own. I don't jump like a teenager anymore when a guy shows a little attention. So I guess I'm "somewhat" aloof-- as a single at least. But I think I'll steer clear of the overly gorgeous types: they are more likely to be full of themselves (and lousy lovers because they don't really have to make an effort to get what they want-- hence making them lazy to please a woman).

Thanks for stopping by. You're my favorite "non-Houdini." :D


http://notjohnsmith.hubpages.com/ 3 years ago

I forgot my stupid login, so I don't know if this will work or not.

But, YES, relationships with attractive people are formed around power and control. You you have to LEARN how to be conceal your cards and play the game, if you expect to win.

He's more attractive then you are, Princess, and he has women throw themselves at him each and every week! So, what? You're gonna be just another in a long line of women who beg for his affection? That's your master-plan there? He will use you and discard you!

Instead, you make him work, for your attention!

"Yeah, you got this bad-ass act going on there! I guess little girls find that oh-so-amusing, huh? But, I'm a mature woman, and I have much loftier goals and requirements, in my life. So, I would get bored with you and your little bad-boy act right away and you would be discarded the same way that I discard a used coffee cup! I need a man who can captivate me! Challenge my mind, you know? At the very least, you should be able to maintain your own, and be an equal to me, in social situations. I'm an intelligent and demanding woman, and you seem like you would work best with a stupid playtoy with fake boobs! So, I'll tell you what there, player. Give me a card, and I'll call you. I want to do (activity) on Wednesday, and you're up here, as my date. I suggest that you dress to impress and do your utmost to treat me as the radiant and alluring goddess that I want to be. Who knows? Maybe you're more than just a pretty face! We'll see, I guess!"

That's what I would say to a guy who was clearly a 10!

In the relationship, he would always be working hard, to please you. That's simply how you keep a man like that. Try it your way, first. Throw yourself ast him and beg for his time. See what the results are.

Then, come to realize that relationships are all about power and control. Very few women understand any of this. That is why they get dumped and used.


http://notjohnsmith.hubpages.com/ 3 years ago

I forgot my stupid login, so I don't know if this will work or not.

But, YES, relationships with attractive people are formed around power and control. You you have to LEARN how to be conceal your cards and play the game, if you expect to win.

He's more attractive then you are, Princess, and he has women throw themselves at him each and every week! So, what? You're gonna be just another in a long line of women who beg for his affection? That's your master-plan there? He will use you and discard you!

Instead, you make him work, for your attention!

"Yeah, you got this bad-ass act going on there! I guess little girls find that oh-so-amusing, huh? But, I'm a mature woman, and I have much loftier goals and requirements, in my life. So, I would get bored with you and your little bad-boy act right away and you would be discarded the same way that I discard a used coffee cup! I need a man who can captivate me! Challenge my mind, you know? At the very least, you should be able to maintain your own, and be an equal to me, in social situations. I'm an intelligent and demanding woman, and you seem like you would work best with a stupid playtoy with fake boobs! So, I'll tell you what there, player. Give me a card, and I'll call you. I want to do (activity) on Wednesday, and you're up here, as my date. I suggest that you dress to impress and do your utmost to treat me as the radiant and alluring goddess that I want to be. Who knows? Maybe you're more than just a pretty face! We'll see, I guess!"

That's what I would say to a guy who was clearly a 10!

In the relationship, he would always be working hard, to please you. That's simply how you keep a man like that. Try it your way, first. Throw yourself ast him and beg for his time. See what the results are.

Then, come to realize that relationships are all about power and control. Very few women understand any of this. That is why they get dumped and used.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 3 years ago from Southern California Author

I can see how that would work. Thanks for the insider tips, John. I must say, after being "stood up" on my "fake date" with a coworker, I do feel like the description above. Any guy who wants my attention will now have to be something else. No more "boys" for me. Know what you want and go after it. And most definitely chase the fake ta-tas with short skirts if you can't stimulate my brain. Life is too short to be wasted on empty barrels making noise.


Not John Smith 3 years ago

Fuck, do live online or what? That was quick!

Here's the thing that you don't understand. You demonstrate your VALUE to men by being ELUSIVE!

"Look, I've got it goin' on here! I have my choice of men! So, I'm looking for the most affectionate one. The man who makes feel like a treasured prize, you know? I relish all the little gifts of affection. The flowers. The presents. The devotion that a man shows me! Inside, I am a nice little girl, and I want a man who can cherish me. Make me feel warm and loved and safe and secure, you know? Very few men can do that, nurture and care for a woman like that. So, that's what I'm looking for. The rare man, who is selfless and who has an instinctive need to care for his woman. It becomes a driving force in his life, one that consumes him, and defines his existence in this world. That's what I'm looking for in my relationships. Oh, and hot sex too! But, I'll help you with that part, ok?" you explain.

That's how you ask for affection.


Not John Smith 3 years ago

Anyway, there's so much women need to know, in order to date successfully. For example, some men are so cold and indifferent to women that nobody will ever change that. They lack the nurturing gene. So, they only use women for sexual putposes. You can no more connect with them you could bond with a tree-stump.

As a woman, you need to assess your target and determine what is the correct methodology. You formulate a plan of attack, a strategy as it were. But, you need the skill to determine if you have a viable man or not. If you have a man who will never need any women, then you need to get up and move on in 90 seconds. They are men like that. They have their careers and their peers. Women exist only for sexual pleasure. They have no ability or desire to connect with them.

Does the man have any children. How does he answer that? Is he shocked at the idea of a child? There are losers on yahoo who make children sound like a pact with the devil himself. They have no love to give anyone. Move on immediately. He will neither love you, nor your children! You have to begin with a man who is capable of bonding with you, or else you are wasting your time. Empathy. Compassion. The desire to provide for another person's needs. You need to assess for all of this, and so much more!

This is just a glimpse into what it takes to find love, in today's world.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 3 years ago from Southern California Author

I'm beginning to get all that you just mentioned, John. I never keep my kids a secret and if a guy seems skittish about kids, he's invisible in my eyes. Although I don't plan to have more kids, and my own are old enough to be self-sufficient, I will not stand for a guy who can't stand children. That's a deal-breaker.

For me to find a guy who would care for me and be selfless-- I can't even fathom what that is. My entire life has been a journey of "frontier-woman" hacking it on her own in the love dept. It's probably why I'm still haunted by memories of the ONE guy who ever showed he truly cared for me. I know he still thinks of me (and sometimes sends me a message in his weak moments). That's my best example of the kind of bond/caring relationship I want to have (even if I only dated the guy a few times before he reconciled with his ex). Oh, and I also want a guy who doesn't quit and will stay with me while we work on our relationship. SO many guys would rather "fly" than fight when it comes to issues coming up in life. I guess that's what I really consider a man vs. a boy: a man sticks by his woman and won't quit until all avenues of repair have been explored. A boy looks for the easy way out and makes a mad dash when he's found his replacement (aka band-aid for his emotional wounds).


Not John Smith 3 years ago

Most of this is common sense, Sheila, and you are a smart woman. For example, you can spot a man who has no love to offer. He has his life set up exactly the way he wants it, but he just needs a woman for sex. You would never move in, or get marries to him. He just wants to use your vagina for sex. And, dumbasses that most men are, they don’t even offer any affection. I tell a woman that she is nice, and that I like her. We do friend things. I pull her close and squeeze her tight, so she gets genuine affection. I need that too! Then, she gets her little clit licked so very nice! Oh, plus erotic enemas too, cause that’s my fetish.

Anyway, I felt sorry for you, when I read how men leave and how you are longing for some basic human contact. That’s why I tried to contact you the other day. Maybe there was something I could say, I thought. Or maybe, I could just be a friend, someone that you could talk to, you know. When the world is crashing down around you and everyone that you meet sucks, then it’s comforting to have someone that will listen and console you. But, the last time I tried to be a friend to a lonely lady, it was that nut Monika that everybody seems to place on a pedestal so high. The woman has no love to offer anyone, and in the end, she had a co-worker send me a death threat. That was many years ago, but I learned my lesson about getting involved. But, I knew you longer, from yahoo, and you seem sane and genuinely nice, so I was willing to take a chance and add you as a friend. You probably assumed that I wanted to do sex chat, huh. But no, I’m in a relationship, and I have lots of women that I can send erotic fantasies to. I use them as a test-market for the book. Anyway, I hope things pick up for you. I always try to offer little messages of encouragement and support when I see you, so they will have to do. Bye, princess!

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