Why I Chase This Illusive Girl Hoping to Hold and Love Her

Shy and retiring
Shy and retiring

Pain around the clock

It's as painful as having a sword rammed through my heart. It's always with me, night, day, and in the dreams that torment me. Sometimes it's strong and makes my day totally-uneventful and on other days, it's weak and I hardly know it's there.

It's not a disease of sorts. But on the psychological-side, it is. It blinds me to reality most of the time. But when I have a tighter fist-hold around its presence, I can function. Yet sometimes I wish fervently that it was a disease so I could undergo treatment and get a healing, and a closure to this slimy, illusive vision of the heart that if not checked, may drive me insane.

Model, Adrianne Curry
Model, Adrianne Curry

I die slowly

I cannot label this perpetual-feeling as "love," or "being in-love," for it goes much higher and deeper than this ageless human emotion. It's everything the human heart and emotions need for a healthy life, but then again, this "disease" is killing me inside out to a song that never stops. I am way too worn to be weary. And when I lay down to expire, "she" appears.

And when I say appear, I mean "she" makes the mist part on this swampy paradise and her walking stills the forest where I lay. "She" says not a word, but allows her lips and eyes to speak volumes on how she longs to be in my arms. But when I feel a surge to rise up and run to her, she laughs like a clown and disappears to my gullible eyes. It's a living, breathing shame to have such an addiction as "she" promises.

Eyes that pierce the hardest of hearts
Eyes that pierce the hardest of hearts
A gorgeous smile
A gorgeous smile
Pleasing laugh
Pleasing laugh
Illusive eyes
Illusive eyes
Perfect skin
Perfect skin

Many times to just keep my mind busy, I write reasons such as these below, that tell . . .

Why I Chase This Illusive Girl Hoping to Hold and Love Her

Before she vanished from my touch . . .

  • I loved how she slapped my face in fake anger to keep me off-balance and because she hated my singing.
  • I enjoyed the blue places on my body from the rocks she threw at me for fun.
  • I savored how many times she would just sit still and glare at me for no reason,
  • When we dined, I had to prepare a bite of bread and walk to her side of the table and feed her first
  • She made me feel secure when she would sip expensive wine and suddenly pour it over my head
  • Oh, her anger couldn't be matched. We would be sitting in a shade enjoying life and she would demand to take my knife and cut gashes in my forearms. But when I refused, she threw tantrums that drove even the hungry wolves away.
  • I was told by her, "If you love me, you will stay awake all night to let me sleep." And I would do just that.
  • When the trader men's expedition would come by our hut, she would fight the strongest of them and take his place in the line of men with supplies and be gone for weeks.
  • I missed her keen voice asking asinine questions like: "Can you stand before me like a Bamboo tree?"
  • I made a huge mistake one month ago in just reaching to hold her, and the bite she put on my hands will probably heal slowly leaving an ugly scar.
  • Gorillas were her friends and when I would walk up to just watch them communicate, she would giggle and choke me to entertain the gorillas. When this "love act," as she said it was, got old, I would protest in a civil manner, but she simply stormed away but not before cursing me like I was a parasite.
  • She would rise early and shout to me, "Soup! Soup! I must have soup!" knowing beforehand that we were without this luxury. Then with hands on hips, I knew what was coming, "this is entirely your fault. Why didn't you make your way to the trading post and trade these shoes for a few cans of soup?" I would think to myself, my lovely girl. Those aren't shoes, but firewood for the cold nights.
  • When bored, she played with poisonous snakes. The snakes loved it. But for personal entertainment, she would toss the snake onto my lap and laugh at my screaming for fear that the reptile would bite me.
  • Now she is gone, probably forever and I do not know if I will ever hold her mortal body in my arms and express my deep love for her, such a rare female.

But until then, I will keep watch for a boat on the horizon.

Soft brown eyes
Soft brown eyes

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Comments 2 comments

grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 20 months ago from Philippines

Well, Kenneth Avery, this was a very interesting voyage into your mind.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 20 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, grand old lady, (who is still NOT old)

Thank you for your sweet comment and every once in a blue moon, I allow my precious followers to get a peek inside the scary caverns of my mental domain.

God bless you.

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