Why I Stayed Married
Vanessa Williams- Paul
"for the sanctified wife saves the unbelieving husband..."
Why I Stayed Married
By Vanessa Williams-Paul
August 18, 2012
This is Who I am- I am Vanessa T Williams
My choices are governed by God. He chooses my path. I am led by faith because I know that this only lasts for a season. You cannot take the joy that comes to me every morning-child I arise each day as a masterpiece. Quick to forgive and swifter to advise. Nothing that happens around me amazes these eyes. I am no longer a pleaser of the flesh- been there done that. I am not moved by emotion filled words I deal in fact. Formulated from clay and God's breath, I am alive. I am the design-I was created to survive.
Every move I make is an etch in time. Every word I speak is manifested- even to the blind. You cannot erase my mark. I am outlined in truth. Targeted to speak to the masses-it is a prophecy from my youth. I stand here now before you because I was called to. Breaking strongholds and saving souls for Christ because I want to. I could have gone the other way. Satan tried to take my life. He knew who I was created to be...he used a broken heart to try to fill me with strife. My future is set and with hope I press forward now. One day all you will witness My Lord Christ and every knee shall bow.
“Just when I think that nothing more could happen, I am proven wrong again. I have no regrets though. I am finally beginning to understand that these trials are indeed a test of my faith. After each testimony I rise higher in spirit and understanding. God’s word has never come back void and I have never stopped trusting him. I look at my life and cherish the lessons learned. I embrace the experiences that have both harmed and helped me”- Vanessa
I guess one of the hardest life trials to endure is the collapse of a marriage. The fear and memories never seem to leave. You try to focus on everything but that event- you are reminded of it always. I made a vow to myself that I would not let it define my life. Yet it seems to be tied to my calling. I am amazed at myself when I am ministering to married couples or giving advice. The word seems to flow out of me. I am speaking with authority and listening intently. The answers come from me as if I have known them all along. Yet in my life when it came down to relationships, I always seemed to be with the wrong guy. It took me all this time realize that I am a jewel. The right man for me is going to be a “right” man.
The God I serve is almighty. When we think that there is nothing left, a ray of light shines through the fog and stirs hope. I hung my head low for a long time. I was sure that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. In seeking restoration from God I was reminded that the power of life and death is in my tongue. This revelation was ground-breaking for me. I began to change my entire way of thinking and speaking. I began calling things into existence that were not and standing knowing that my prayers were accounted for.
The doors began to open and people began to drop out of my life. I felt powerful and I began to rebuke Satan when the wrong thoughts would cross my head. I sought God on my enemies’ behalf and prayed that they too would be blessed. Overcoming sorrow was the most difficult part of my healing process. I guess it is the most difficult portion of anyone’s.
This book is written to empower the God fearing woman and to help her overcome defeat, heartbreak, and pain. There is deliverance from bad relationships and there is happiness in Christ. You must first live according to the gospel.
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive you of your trespasses”
Mark 11:25-26, NKJV
“Therefore I say to you, her sins which are many, are forgiven, for she, loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little”. Then he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven”
Luke 7:47-48, NKJV
Why I Stayed Married
I am so grateful with the direction that my life has taken. I am thankful that I was removed from a situation that would have caused me a lifetime of sorrow. Life is so much more than doing what feels good and making one's self happy. I have discovered that I alone am incapable of making the correct choices. I seek God in the wake of all my struggles now. I keep moving forward while the world tries to figure out how I get to move at all.
Why I decided to publish this article although my marriage had failed.
I struggle with perception. I have often made decisions based on how others would perceive it. Lately I have had to let go of many reservations. I was not given a spirit of fear.
I removed most of my work from internet sites. It was mainly because I was ashamed to display how I used to feel about my estranged husband and the things he has done. Every article that spoke on marriage and love, I removed them.
However God reminded me that I wasn't writing to set myself free. I was writing to save others through my story. My marriage articles are very popular. I have even acted as mediator to couples while my home was in chaos. No matter what goes on around me I have to live righteously. It is my duty and my calling to intercede for marriages.
The devil wants so badly to destroy this covenant that men and women take before God. You must see in the spirit to understand that his aim is not only to destroy man's perception of marriage for the sake of infidelity but to destroy man's concept of Christ's marriage to the church.
Adultery, fornication, and dishonesty infect the hearts of men thus infecting and corrupting the church and breaking the covenant.
This article is my testimony, yet it is only half of my story. The end of this is this has yet to unfold; however I am free of the bondage that once surrounded me, free of the false love that was shared with me, and finally I am free of the long nights of pain and loneliness that I endured as a result of this marriage.
Again, I write to set others free; had I not endured I would have not a testimony or a victory.
Why I Am Still Married
August 9th, 2012
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive you of your trespasses” Mark 11:25-26
“Therefore I say to you, her sins which are many, are forgiven, for she, loved much. But to who little is forgiven, the same loves little”. Then he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven” Luke 7:47-48
I dedicate this to married couples who walk in fear of God and love his ways so that we may teach others who are married to devote their relationships to Christ. It is through Him and His protection alone, that we are able to stay steadfast and love His law. Under the protection of the blood, we stand and love one another; through sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, through infidelity and strife, and through turmoil and gossip. I command every woman and man to reclaim their marriages. Give your spouses’ to the Lord as you begin to intercede and walk up-right; loving only one another, giving your bodies only to one another.
Do not think that you are so small that the devil over looks you. He came to steal, kill, and destroy. Please believe that he will accomplish this by any means necessary. It is the little things that gradually turn into those horrible things that act as strongholds in our lives. These strongholds are addictions to anything that does not glorify Christ. Let us first elaborate on addictions. The Webster’s new World Dictionary defines an addict as “someone who gives themselves up to a strong habit”. In the same dictionary a habit is defined as “a distinctive custom”. The first thing that men and women who are married must do is to break the cycles of addictions and change old customs.
Addictions & Customs
When we think of addiction we focus on the common characteristics of addiction. We have been programmed to believe that an addiction is something we have no control over. Drugs, shopping, alcohol abuse, and sex first surfaces in our minds but addictions are far more subtle and hidden. It is the devil’s best device. He understands how to stir up division. For example, if a man believes that he is free of addiction because he is not compelled to do something that he does not want to do then he is not an addict…right? Wrong, addictions are designed from pleasures. There are the habits of hanging out, the habits of being around external family, the habits of acting as friends and support figures outside of the marriage, and the habits of socialization. I would like to call the above Social Addictions (SA). Social Addictions are powerful and can ruin a relationship. These are things that people want to do and feel that they must do. In addition, they feel as if they are in control and these small things are nothing. The average person probably does not feel that these things are in anyway associated with a habitual trait. However, if is these are brought into a marriage structure then how much unity, togetherness, and trust can a couple share.
Through Social Addictions spouses feel separations and have difficulties communicating. It is mostly because the initiator is emotionally attached to the habit by kinship, friendship, or by a past relationship.
“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every woman is man and the head of Christ Is God” 1 Corinthians 11:3
Everyone knows what a head is; it is understood that the body cannot live without a head. Hearts can be replaced just as livers and kidneys can but the head is necessary. If man is the head of woman and Christ is the head of man, then glorification of Christ’s in man’s life will save marriages. So this is the question that must be asked. Who is glorified in your marriage? Are you glorifying each other? Riches? Wealth? Sex? Remove the Christ head out of the equation and the marriage may falter; unless both of the spouses are walking a path of destruction together. Then still, heartache and turmoil will follow in wake of unrighteousness.
The important thing to know about Social Addictions is that they are breeding grounds for substance and sexual addictions. The Bible makes many references and warns that bad company corrupts good habits. The company we keep will alter our way of thinking, through hidden and unhidden gestures in some way we reflect what we have observed though life. Remember we battle not against flesh and blood but of the principalities of the powers of the air. How many wives have cheated because they claim their husbands don’t pay attention to them? How many husbands have done the same? How many marriages have seen turmoil because a spouse stays out all night? How many marriages have suffered because “baby mommas” and ex- girlfriends cause problems?
Baby Daddies and Baby Mamas
Make no mistake; if there is a problem in your marriage because of an ex-girlfriend or a baby momma, it is so because your husband is permitting it to be. He has control over the situation and he does not want to upset the other person involved either because he fears retaliation from the opposing side. ; Whether it is child support, lack of visitation rights, or exposure. The key to overcoming this for the wife is by continuous prayer for the other woman. I know this causes eyebrows to rise, but it is by forgiveness that we ourselves are made free. Likewise men, if your wife has a child for an outside man and she fears him more than you and God then there is a problem. Pray for the other person when you pray for yourselves.
This is why women use children as a means to stay attached to the married man. It is a tool by which she can remain in contact with him and she keeps hope that one day it will bring him back to her. This type of woman will destroy a household. They will lie on their children and do whatever they can to discredit and hurt the wife. Children’s mothers often feel as if they were slighted because the man married someone else any way. The habit of being a pretend family without a marriage is their social addiction. They fight for this continuance of lifestyle and have difficulty moving forward. It is understandable especially if the woman has several children for this man. This is not acceptable because it is powered by lust and by strife. The married man should not entertain this behavior. Earlier in this article I stated that Social Addictions breed substance and sexual addictions. How many husbands have slept with their baby mommas after being married because the child’s mother called to say the child was sick or bad in school, and he went over there and stayed too long?
Husbands there should not be any place that you can go that your wife cannot. If you are married and your child's mother does not accept your wife or doesn’t want her kids around her it is a setup for a trap- to separate you from your wife. It is way to get you over there. Address this issue, be a man and let the other party know that you are now one with this individual and there will be no secrets, no infidelity, and that there will be respect for your home and your marriage.
Ex-Girlfriends with Children
This is perhaps the worst type of Social Addiction because there are no biological children involved but has a woman scorned that feels like the man owes her and her children something. This type of woman will keep the children’s real fathers away. Set up a make shift family with a man and have her children calling this man their daddy. In a long term relationship, the man watches these children grow from babies or toddlers and bares a special attachment to them and has difficulty letting go. The sad part is that in most cases the man has children of his own and does less for them than he does for the children of this woman.
This is because in the household he resides in, his finances are concentrated. There is hardly little extra or excess to take care of his children and hers. He is comfortable there and he feels that the home is his. It is hard to escape this type of relationship because men don’t like to feel played. They also feel that the woman owes them something for taking care of her and children that are not his. When these separations come they are hard and cruel. They carry over into the marriage when the wife is not behaving like he is used to the previous woman behaved; the man will go back to find what he is addicted to. The previous woman will do anything to get the man back; she will put up with abuse and spend her last dime trying to regain the relationship. Eventually what made the man leave once will make him leave again. For the wife dealing with a relationship like this, prayer is the key. Give your husband to God and don’t look back; pray for his safety and for his health. Pray that God protects him from disease and injury. Let go.
This is a wicked woman. She will do whatever she has to do to steal your joy and attempt to deploy any means of confusion to sway the man’s thinking. She will pretend to be stable and doing well after the man is gone. This is a plot to bait him back in. She will lie and pretend that her family is inquiring about the man and that her children cannot function without him. She will send her children to seek after the man in hopes that his love for them will once again begin the relationship. This woman has difficulty supporting herself and makes pretend that she is a hot commodity when in reality she hates herself and cannot function without a man. She craves a family life but has difficulty moving forward. A stable man will never settle down with this type of woman. She is vindictive and believes that she has power over men because of her sexuality. She believes that sex saves a relationship and will jump at the chance to ensnare any man who is attached so that she may have bragging rights
Husbands these are not your children, and somewhere out there they have a father. Their mothers made choices with her life that brought them into existence. The children did not ask to be born but birth control is free. These children are not your responsibility and you owe them or their mothers nothing. If you have children of your own begin developing better relationships with them. Your wife should not be subjected to another man’s children calling you as a means to get you over to their mother so that she can have sex with you.
Ex-Girlfriend No Children
The ex-girlfriend with no children is the saddest case. This is the woman that will allow the man access to anything she has in attempts to gain his love. This woman often does not have enough to sustain her own independence but will hustle, steal, and work more than one job to satisfy the man. She often lives alone or with relatives because she cannot live in a home that requires a commitment to pay bills. Her peers know her patterns and will not trust that she is responsible enough to be a part of maintaining a household. She is the woman that changes her cell phone number several times or has more than one cell phone number. She is the woman that will play on your phone and ride by your house.
This woman has never had a real relationship and is always into conflicts with other women. She is bold and often not very attractive. She likes to display any of her little luxuries on social networks and is always making claim that she is stable and independent. She likes to post pictures of herself and the man in public forums. This woman relies on her family heavily and spends a lot of her time roaming about. She is unhappy and in most cases she has been involved with the man for a long period of time. She is his rebound girl and he will never commit to her. He uses her in between relationships as a means to live or get by.
She is aware of this but it will not stop her from making chaos in your marriage. Wives pray for this woman. Pray that she has an understanding for God’s word. It is only by the understanding of what God loves and hates that this kind of woman will stop making trouble in your marriage.
Family addictions are a hard addiction to break. It is so common and the wife feels virtually helpless. In most case there is a mom, sister or daughter that plays heavily on the sensitivity of the man. If the mother is not fond of the wife then she will not encourage the man to stay faithful. If the daughter is not fond of the wife then she will to tell her daddy about every one of his ex-girlfriends that make an inquiry about him. The daughter will befriend the ex girlfriend and seek her attention. This is mainly because the child has no real relationship with the father and knows that his dependency on women is her way into his life.
First let’s address the daughters. Children though precious and innocent have the potential to become a vehicle of hatred and stir up more catastrophe than any ex-girlfriend could ever. Daddy’s little girls are the devils easiest targets to start destruction. Whomever the father is fond of the daughter will be fond of too. If the father is cheating on the wife then the daughter will become close to the mistress. When the father leaves the mistress and starts seeing someone else the daughter will again become fond of that woman and dislike the former mistress. When the father goes back to the wife then daughter will start back communicating with the wife...you get the point?
This is out of a need to feel a true relationship with the father. Imagine an ex-girlfriend coupled with any angry daughter; a new wife has almost no chance. However, by the blood and through prayer all strongholds are broken. God blesses the married no matter what the world has to contend. The wife must be strong and remain faithful. God will pull you through this difficulty. Pray without ceasing for your husband’s clarity and turn away from bitterness against the daughter. Pray for the daughter and encourage your husband to develop a better relationship with her.
When a mother is not fond of a wife she will not support the wife and pretend to know nothing of her son’s infidelity. There used to be a time when you would go to elders and know that they would give only the best advice, and be honest in all that they did. These times are different and Satan is having a ball. In most cases when the mother is against the wife is it because of rumor and gossip, the wife is not assessing the mother’s needs like the other in-laws are, or because the wife poses a financial liability towards the mother because the son is no longer available and at her disposal.
This type of mother will allow the man to bring other women into her home and pretend to like her as a way to formulate trust and alliance with this new woman. It is not because the mother likes this new woman but it is because she dislikes the wife. She will allow this woman to eat and sleep in her home perpetuating the husband’s sinful life style. This type of mother has no respect for the word no matter how much they profess to know it. Pray for this woman and respect her as your husband’s mother.
When it is sisters involved they are mostly the gossip bearers of the relationship. They run tell all of their friends what the brother is doing and cause emotional damage to the wife. These sisters are often living in relationships that have issues. Misery loves company and they want to elevate themselves above the wife. In their minds they know that their brother is wrong but they will continue to pat him on his back and even call the other woman sister-in -law to spite the wife. Wives you are not married to this man’s family and you owe them nothing. You do not have to be friends with these people to make your marriage work. Pray for them still and pray that God heals their marriages as well.
In the event of brothers, nieces, and nephews, the man may feel that he has a right to protect them. The bad part is in most cases these people are adults and whatever they got themselves into they should be able to get themselves out of as well. The married man has no earthly obligations but to his wife and his own children. He should not have to get up in the middle of the night, leave his wife because his sister, his cousin’s, or his niece’s boyfriend or husband is beating them. He should not be the peacemaker in our people's lives. This causes division in the marriage because it is difficult for a wife to speak adversely about this to her husband. How do you tell your husband not to protect his sister, or niece? Yet how does it feel that your husband is always called to someone’s rescue but your household is in shambles? Husbands why not fight for your own marriage and defend it you like you defend your relatives. Wives these are strongholds and have to be broken through prayer. Pray that God releases your husband from these obligations. Pray that he place hedges all around your marriage so nothing gets in, under, over, or through.
Hanging out is a Social addiction that perpetuates or cause alcohol or drug use. It is most evident in men who stay out at all hours of the night. Unfortunately this can also lead to sexual addictions and adultery; Wives if you have a husband that is hanging out, start asking to go with him, or volunteering to drive. If your husband refuses to let you, then remember there is no place he should be able to go and you cannot. If you fear that there is a drug addiction involved, pray that God removes the addiction and stand on faith. In the natural, learn how to detect signals of drug abuse. Hanging causes suspicion that may not be correct; the man could just be “hanging out” and not cheating or doing drugs. The fact is, what a person believes is their reality. Husbands if the wife believes this then it is up to you to prove her wrong.
A Word to Wives
Wives, women want your men. The people that draw your husband away from his marriage do not want him to be happy. If they are true friends, they would not encourage any behavior that could interfere in his marriage or the final destination of his soul. No one will admit jealousy because jealousy is shameful. It is just as shameful as adultery, fornication, lust, and homosexuality. Remember it is not about them having to have that man. It is really about, them not wanting to see anyone else with him. They feel like you stole something from them. I actually had one send me a text and say, "This is his real wife". She believed she had the right to say that to me because she was in a previous relationship with him for over eight years. The only come back I had was, "Well why aren't you married to him?" Trust and believe, these men know that these women are pitiful. How many long term relationships can you think of that you thought people would be together forever and then they break up, and one marries another person?
If you have a marriage that has suffered through adultery it is important to remember that when you decided to take your husband or wife back- that whatever has happened is the past. Do not inquire about it, don't worry about the other person; this will only cause conflict. Men want to forget what they have done and most cannot deal with a wife that will not forget too. Of course you will never forget it wives but understand that it does not need to be a dinner topic. Let it go.
Keep your children and your family out of your chaos. Do not have negative discussions about your husband or wife around your children or your family. How can you expect them to accept him or when God restores the marriage? They will remember. This is a cause of family conflict and a main cause in men leaving home. Women keep your mouths shut and respect your husbands. God will honor the faithful.
Deep down a person can sense bondage and know when they are not pleasing to God. Do not be fooled. A whore will go to any limits to snatch your joy and ensnare your husbands. These men cling to these women because these women will tolerate anything to have a man. Stay prayed up wives.
Most of you may have read my article “God Made Me Strong-The Recap: I Married the Wrong Man”. I wrote the article detailing some aspects of my marriage at a time when I believed it to be the end. I have no remorse over my article it was my true feelings then and now.
My husband has always been an attractive man. In the small town that we are from he was courted by older women from a young age. In most cases these were married or attached women who found pleasure in pursuing young men. Most of them had children the age of my husband. These interactions with older women set a precedent in his life. This behavior caused problems in his adult relationships. He sought love and peace but wanted the life of a single man with all the perks of an attached one.
He never sought after the prettiest or the smartest but found himself attracted to the ones that would allow him to do what he wanted. He needed to be able to come and go as he pleased and he needed to be with the one that would impose no responsibility on him and gave him what he wanted.
On one hand I had my family point fingers saying “I told you so” and on the other hand his family that completely turned their back on me. Not one time in the nine months and three days that he was gone did one of them call to just say, “How are you?” The only difference between now and then is that I was not prayed up. I fell to self pity and weakness. I did not let God in. Finally, with my mind made up; I hold no bitterness in me despite what I have felt. It is only by forgiveness and prayer that I am able to smile.
Wisdom is now my guide; I will never place myself in the position that I was once in. It is because of my family and a group of my peers that I realized my true worth in Christ. My husband had never asked me for a divorce despite of the urging from his family, but my pride told me that this is what I had to do. Remember pride comes before a fall. I was full of pride when I got married to this man. I knew his past and his character.
This is Why I Stayed Married
I met my husband when I was 16 years old in my hometown. He and I liked each other the very first time we met. That night we sat on my cousin's porch and literally kissed for hours. Our friendship was innocent, he was my friend and he was exciting and full of life. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend but loved each other with a special kind of love. It was not sexual; it was just two people that felt that nothing else existed in the world when they were in each other’s company. I would visit my home town during the summer. I would look for him every chance I got. We would sneak out and go lie in the park at night, look up at the stars and talk about what we were going to be when we got older. It always seemed as if the moon was full or almost full when we would go out there. We made a pact with each other that, whenever the moon was full no matter what, we would always stop and think about each other.
He had a fast life. Though we were young his eyes told it all. He always looked tired to me and I would always have questions. He was not a confrontational person and would not argue with me and hated if I was mad. He would walk away and stay gone until he thought that I had forgotten all about it. Sometimes it would be days and sometimes hours. Sometimes the rest of the summer would go by and I would return to Baton Rouge without seeing him or kissing him goodbye. He respected me and would never bring his mess or his lifestyle around me. He would hide anything and lie about anything he could to keep me in the dark. I would always say, “I am your friend you could tell me” he would always smile and tell me nothing. I learned to speak to him a long time ago. I knew if I said the wrong words he would vanish. This is true even today. You say the wrong things, don't let him have his way, or hurt his feelings he shuts down or leaves. As we got older and our lifestyles changed we did not see much of each other.
He relocated to Baton Rouge; he was always in a relationship with someone or another. He would never let too much time pass without finding me. I don’t know how he did it, but he always found me. For 19 years he always just found me. When we ran across each other everything just stopped. Then for hours or days we just belonged to each other. Like always, months or years would pass and I wouldn’t see him but I always knew that I would. I had no expectations of him then and would not have considered a serious relationship with him if my life depended on it. Although we were friends for seven years before we were actually intimate with each other, we were unfaithful to everyone we were within those 19 years; including both of our first spouses and all other long term relationships. I had to expect our relationship as husband and wife to suffer because of what we did to other people.
Something changed in 2010. I was working at grocery store in my home town. I saw his mother and asked about him. She told me he was incarcerated and gave me his address. I wrote him, and he wrote me back. I felt so good and so new. I hadn't seen him in over a year and I had been single for almost a year; I really just wanted someone to talk to- so who better than my friend. I wrote him on May 21st, 2010; I received a letter from him on May 26th, 2010. His letter said,
“It was surprising to hear from you but on the other hand it was sweet of you to even think about me. I must have been on your mind for you to write me, how have you been doing? Me, I am taking it on day at a time. It’s funny how your life has to completely stop for you to realize that the unnecessary mess ain’t even worth it. You have always felt the same about me and you never change I thank you for that. I have plans when I come home this time and I want to get my CDL license. So can I ask who’s in your life at this moment because every time we do connect you always have a friend? Why I couldn’t be a part of your life Vanessa, why I always had to be the one that come and go. Remember I always loved you and it is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you, I could be the man that u want me to be u just never even tried to give it a chance. I guess I always ran the streets but I had to baby…”
That day, something in me changed. The letter that I had written him only days before said,
“… I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you and I wouldn’t be your woman if my life depended on it. But I will always love you as my friend and always pray for you because I love you. You have so much potential, why don’t you give God a chance to be seen in your wife. Stop jumping from woman to woman and running the streets…”
Unbeknownst to me, God was setting me up for a testimony and a ministry to help save marriages.
For one year and four months I visited, we talked, and we wrote. I loved this man. I knew what he was and I had heard all the stories and yet I proceeded. I trusted him for the first time in years and I wanted the best for us and for him. He came home on September 15th, 2011; we were married on September 22nd, 2010. Then one day my husband came home and he was not himself.
He left home on October 22nd, 2010 one month to the day of our wedding. For the first two months I was severely depressed. I contemplated taking my life. I sought counseling and was put on anti-depression medication. Two weeks into to taking the medication I realized that I was doing what the devil wanted me to do. I was depressed, I was not myself and I had to do something about it fast. I started devoting an hour of prayer to God for my husband on October, 24th, 2011. I never asked for him to come home I asked God to not a let a hair on his head be harmed and to bless his new relationship with his old girl friend. I asked God to guide his footsteps and to let every door he needed open to be opened.
I prayed for his safety, his life and his health. I prayed for his family and his children. I didn’t ask God for anything for me I was diligent in saving my friend and my husband. Then I began to write my first book “Soul Poetry and My Articles of Faith” The first publication was on January 18th, 2011. This book detailed my life in poetry starting before he and I found each other, through the year and a half were together, the separation, and finally my independence as a woman of God.
I relocated to the other side of town so that he could live in peace and so that I would not run across him. I stayed busy to keep my mind off of my life. I asked God to let his perfect will prevail in the lives of both me and my husband. After October 24, 2011, I never looked for him, I never called him, and I did not harass him. I gave him to God and Let him live.
I wanted to make sure that if he came back home then it was going to be because God sent him home. I knew that I would see him again because he would always find me.
During this time period, I put up with much embarrassment. I like to call them “estranged husband” sightings. Everyone saw him doing this and saw him doing that. The woman he was with and his daughter made sure to post every picture that he and she took together on “Face-book”. I kept praying. I heard rumors of what his sisters and his mother was saying about me. I kept praying. I was told about his public behavior with other women. I kept praying.
I knew that the Lord loved me, and he would work it out for my good because I loved him too. I knew that whatever ended up happening would be what God wanted to happen. I never stopped loving my husband. The Lord was dealing with him too.
On July 25th, 2012 my husband came home. For the first time in years I saw my old friend in his eyes. I didn’t want to know where he had been or what he had done; all of it was irrelevant the moment I decided that it was okay for him to come home.
This battle is not over. There are still many strongholds and addictions that need to be broken. I am thankful that I found favor with God that he decided to honor my prayers by keeping my husband safe. I have no expectations only hope. I am praying without ceasing for my husband and my marriage.
It is a day by day process. Faith is the catalyst to overcoming all turmoil. Husbands if you love your wives and wives your husbands. Reclaim your households and stand in prayer and on faith.
“ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
How to Stay Married
The first step to saving a marriage is to let go of the external noise. Surround yourself with other Godly people who understand the sanctity of marriage. Put no one thing, person, place, or habit before your spouse. Practice speaking kind words to one another and remind each other that you love them. No two relationships are the same but the word will not change. As I sit and ponder relationships all around me I pray for them too. It is through my struggle that I have understanding. I have perfected prayer and I know that it works. God’s word will not come back void. If your spouse leaves then give them to God and let them go. Fighting it will only cause bitterness and summon things said that have no place in the marriage. Resistance brings forth strife. Women be gentle and treat your husbands’ as the head or your households. Give them the respect they deserve as men. You have to forgive. We are commanded to do so. If we do not forgive then we invite those old spirits back into our homes. Un-forgiveness keeps anger and fear in the atmosphere.
“For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband, otherwise your children will be unclean but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart…”
1 Corinthians 7: 14-15
I stayed married because through it all I still loved my husband. I asked him how he would feel, if I told the world about our story. He said, “People need to hear it babe. Our story is beautiful; I don’t care what anyone else thinks”.
It was very important that I publish this article. As I stated earlier, I do not write for myself-I write to set others free. My greatest reward is in knowing, that someone is spared the sorrow that I have once known and been delivered from. I serve an awesome God. Had it not been for his grace I would had never had the words to share with the broken wife. My husband was not ready for the life that I found in Christ’s mercy. We have gone our separate ways. Having done all that I could do, I now stand free of bondage and free of bitterness. I wish him well- I hope that he someday finds the peace of mind that I have through Christ Jesus.
One thing is for sure; I am adamant in my belief that this relationship was a distraction just as it was a blessing. It is only because I am free of it that I am able to abound. While I was involved in the marriage, I left so many obligations. I was not a good listener- I could not hear the cries of my friends and family or the voice of God. My relationship with my daughter suffered. I knew full well that she did not approve of my marriage because of what I endured the first go round of it. She put her feelings aside because she respected me.
My work relationships suffered, I was unable to focus at my work-place; it affected my attendance and my job performance. I was shifted into financial debt. I supported him and our household without any help from him at all. I lost sleep because he was out all night; sometimes it would be morning before I would hear from or see him. Every time he would come home it was always some elaborate story about his whereabouts and how he had to not drive because he was intoxicated.
I was a nervous wreck. I knew that sexual activity was happening in my vehicle; my seats would be reclined, there were foot-prints on my windshield and my car doors. There were items found in my car such as earrings and clothing that I knew didn’t belong to me or my daughter. When I would ask he would always have a convenient lie. Every holiday he would find a reason to disappear and many he would a particular family member’s name to say that that is where he had been. I prayed and I asked God for revelation and he revealed it all to me.
In my article “Why I am Still Married” I stated that he would always find me. When writing this article I believed that true love was our motivation but God revealed something to me that I had never thought was possible.
Because months or years would pass between the times he and saw each other, and when we did see each it was explosive I had never considered that I was constantly drawn to this man because I was in bondage. I had to consider all of the facts. He was never my boyfriend, our relationship was ungodly, I was disloyal to the person I was with each time he and I were together, and he never made an effort to make himself completely available.
When he was incarcerated before he and I got married, I believed that I was the only one that he was communicating with while he was in prison. This started out as a jailhouse game to him and he fed off of my need for exclusivity. He lied and pretended to be in love so that he could have companionship and financial support while he was imprisoned. This progressed and he asked me to marry him- I agreed. He was not ready to be a husband but ready to have the title.
Later I discovered that it was never his intention to be a husband at all- on our wedding day he visited an ex-girlfriend and told her that he still loved her. The problem is that he loves anybody who enables him. Correct him, and you are sure to see another side of him. He realized that I was not going to be moved or change to suit his lifestyle, so he dropped the visage and began being himself. God Bless him.
More by this Author
Crossing Consciousness Never chose it; it was assigned at birth. Made to say prayers at night; acknowledged Him with the creation of the earth. Always had questions; parents would just scold and declare;...
Is it possible to be righteous, living our own versions of the truth?
"How to Keep Your Woman While Incarcerated". I hope you enjoy this piece and share it with someone who is struggling in a relationship with an incarcerated person. There is Hope where there is love. ...