Why I Put Dating On Hold
I'm jaded. I'm broken. I'm damaged. I'm photograph ripped into pieces and taped back together time after time. I'm nowhere close to perfect. I don't want to be. I love who I am. I love every one of my flaws and insecurities. But I'm also tired. I'm exhausted of wading through the endless bullshit, the baggage that everyone carries but too many refuse to pack away in the attic. I'm not judging. I've been one of those people. I've hugged that baggage to my breast like a bulwark. I just wish people would heal themselves, love themselves, rather than trying to find a replacement. People and relationships can't be replaced. We can only find new, better, different ones and work for the best. But in this perfect storm of imperfect people grasping for any kind of life line, I've lost hope.
I've been single for four years, since my divorce. I've dated but nothing serious or lasting. By dating I mean I'm a serial first-dater. A couple guys actually made it to something like 4 or 5 dates, one because I really liked him and the other, well, he was just a distraction from the first. But both of those fell apart. I've done the online dating thing on and off for a couple years. It usually goes something like:
Then 1) he disappers, or 2) he does something stupid like send a nude pic, or 3) we meet and things just don't go all that great.
I don't even answer the messages that only say, "Hi," or "Hey, gorgeous," or "Hello, sweetie," anymore. What's the point if he can't even be bothered to learn more about me through my profile and come up with something unique?
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When I told my therapist I was dating again, she barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. The she said, "Date. Have fun. Just don't get serious until we break your destructive pattern. Let me fix you first." And we had a good laugh.
I know she's right. I'm one of those perfectly imperfect people in that storm, but I know how to swim and I have a big life raft. I just want to share that raft with someone as equally flawed as me who has taught himself to swim. Maybe he can crawl into my raft, and we can pass his on to someone else who is learning to swim.
I've lost hope that in this huge ocean of angst and anger, disappointment and despair, among all the baggage floating over thunder-clapped waves, that I'll ever find him, or he me. I know, I know - good things come to those who don't give up (or who wait). The right one comes along when we aren't looking. Blah blah blah. I just don't believe it anymore. And still, with every heartbeat a sliver of hope remains. With every dream, I feel him close, so close, but too far away to swim to my raft, or me to his. One day perhaps. But not today. Today is made for putting my energy back into my own life and the happiness I've built for myself. Today is for me, not for dating. I'm done with that
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