Are You Sick to Death of Men?

What's a Poor Nurturing Girl to Do?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a hub entitled "How to Comfort a Man." Back then I still had a sense of humor. Today, I don't feel so maganimous. Today I feel like screaming. Today I feel like lining up every male in my life and telling them not to say anything or move a muscle for 48 hours. I want to leave them in each other's care while I go and get as many spa treatments as is physically possible in a 48-hour period. With no cell phone. No possibility of being interrupted for any reason. That is what I would love to do.

But it is not what I will do. Instead, I will write my frustrations here. I will expose myself and ask perfect strangers (and a few imperfect ones as well) for advice, suggestions, or even just words of empathy. I will write my truth in the hope that it just might resonate with another woman (or man) somewhere on earth. Somehow, I know I can't possibly be the only person with a life like this.

Intro to the Men in MM's Life

First you must meet the cast of characters. They are:

1. Hubby. We have been married going on 5 years. Remarriage for both of us. No kids on his side, just family living in the same city. The most important thing you need to know about him is he is an A Type. Former football player. Loves me in a sheepdoggish overly protective way.

2. Sonny. My 16.5-year-old son. Has no recollection of his parents being married as we split when he was 4. Has been scarred by his dad and me fighting bitterly. Smart kid. Dumb choices. Doing much better now than a year ago. Fingers x'd on that. He and I have a good relationship (he's a mini-me) but he and his stepdad -- not so much.

3. Dad. Sweet, dear man. Lost my mom going on 4 years ago. Still mentally with it at 85. Independently living in a nice seniors residence. Seems to end up in the hospital like clockwork every 3 months. Each time, my siblings and I jump to attention thinking "this is it." Maybe it's his army training during WWII, but Dad sure can dodge bullets!

4. FIL (Father-in-Law). Another dear, sweet man, with whom I am very close. That is, as close as you can be with someone with Alzheimer's. He also has lymphoma. Except for slowing down due to the pain from lymphoma, FIL is strong as an ox, but cuckoo as a jaybird. It's hard not to get mad at some of his comments and behaviors. But we all try, because we know it's not him, it's his disease.

5. The Ex. This would be the father of my son. Who has fought me tooth and nail on everything to do with parenting pretty much since Sonny popped out (you'd almost think he's the one who gave birth, but I've got the stretch marks to prove my involvement). Ex has a history of quite severe and chronic illnesses as long as your arm. I have poured that man into ambulances more times than I can count.

Welcome to my Male-strom

Now I'm not saying keeping all these males happy is solely my responsibility. I do feel obligated to each of them at times. Some, obviously, more than others, and some more often than others. But do the math. There are 5 of them and only 1 of me. I may be Mighty, but I'm still only me.

In recent years my son has required extra attention. His early teen years were more turbulent that most. But he seems to be on an even keel these days. As mentioned in another hub entitled "How to Have THE Talk .. or Any Talk with your Teen," he and I have started a weekly ritual of driving 1.5 hours down to see my Dad, his grandpa.

You see, Grandpa's most recent hospital stay left him in a wheelchair. This is a big downward step in his mobility -- and in his self-confidence. He is so afraid of falling again that he refuses to use his walker. He just scoots around his apartment in his chair. We have all stepped up our visitations.

My FIL is a regular part of our lives, too. Last February we moved him and my MIL (that's mother-in-law in case you weren't sure) into a house around the corner from us. This allows us to keep an eye (and ear) on them. It's getting more and more difficult to take them out to restaurants, but FIL is comfortable here, so we have them over often.

FIL's second round of chemo didn't do anything (as the oncologist warned us was likely). Now he's undergoing radiation. My Hubby is on the front lines. He comes home each afternoon totally wiped out and drained. It's both physically and emotionally challenging to get an Alzheimer's patient to cooperate.

So after I get my daily report of how it went, I set about nurturing Hubby. But really, what can I say? We both know his dad is dying. He's 87. He's got a massive lump of cancer in his gut. An insidious demon is stealing his memory and making him act like a 4-year-old. Someone took my FIL and we want him back. But we know that's impossible.

Bend and Snap

My Hubby and I have been feeling under a bit of pressure. We know our life is surreal. Having 2 ill fathers at once is stretching the limits of our patience -- including our patience with each other.

I worry constantly about the toll on Hubby's health. He's got the lion's share with his dad. And he also helps out his Mom (so she can live "ndependently"). And of course he supports me with my dad, too. The only two he doesn't support in the slightest are The Ex and Sonny. But that is a story for another hub.

And so we get to the events of today. It began like any other normal Sunday. By that I mean we got up, had coffee, and got in the car to go visit my father 1.5 hours away. So far so good.

About 30 minutes into the trip I got a phone call from Sonny. A phone call, not his usual text. Hmm. What could he want at 11am on a Sunday?

With that one phone call, my testosterone-dominated world snapped literally in two. On one side was my Hubby and Dad. On the other, The Ex and Sonny. There would be, could be, no pleasing everyone. Each of them might deserve a piece of me today. Only two would get it.

The Man With Nine Lives

I could hear Ex gasping for air in the background. The paramedics informed me they couldn't leave Sonny alone. How quickly could I be there?

Hubby and I turned around and headed for Ex's house. From there, I sent Hubby home with the promise of checking in as soon as I knew something. But not before he made a judgmental remark about Sonny and how things would be if Sonny had to come and stay overnight with us. (I should mention that he and Sonny parted last summer on extremely bad terms; Sonny has been living with his dad ever since.)

Arriving at the emergency room I learned the extent of this latest medical crisis. I'd already heared that our son had had witnessed it all, doggedly calling 911 three times before he got them to respond.

A jovial ER nurse named Fred informed me that Ex came very, very close to being an angel this morning! I'm not sure Sonny heard that remark. At least I hope he didn't. He's seen more than his share of medical drama with his dad, too.

Understandably, Sonny did not want to stick around the hospital. Just long enough to see his father -- once again -- hooked up to IVs with a breathing apparatus. On the Richter Scale of scary for him, I'd guess this was about an 8 --10 being the time his dad got Life-Flighted out of Ukiah during a soccer tournment for emergency gallbladder surgery.

I have no idea how long Exhad been feeling ill, but was told today's crisis didn't come on suddenly. How my Ex cares for his own health is his business. That is, until he ends up in the hospital. And it becomes (reluctantly) mine.

Bad Blood and Other Sepsis

I should also mention there is really, really bad blood between Hubby and Ex. Hubby was not thrilled that I spent my Sunday afternoon out at the hospital. He feels strongly that Ex should have seen this coming and had a plan in place. A plan that did not involve me in any way.

He's very clear that it's ok for me to care for Sonny under such circumstances, but not Ex. That Ex's next-of-kin (who happen to live in New York) should be notified and be in charge, not me. He is only looking out for my best interests and doesn't want Ex to turn on me when he's feeling better. I admit, he does have a historically valid point there.

As for me, I have trouble dissociating one from the other. Today, (I felt and still do), my job was to comfort my son and assuage his legitimate fears. In order to be able to do that, I needed to find out Ex's condition and prognosis. Is your Dad going to be in the hospital overnight? Or more like three weeks like the last time he was hospitalized? Is he really going to be ok, or will this latest hospitalization leave him even more debilitated???

Crises Make the Heart Grow Fonder

I am not looking for any medals or even a thank you. I'm simply fulfilling what I perceive to be my duty as a mother. In the process, I guess I'm also trying to be compassionate and Christian in dealing with the father of my son. A father who came very close (once again) to death today.

As I went about my business on behalf of two of the males in my life today. I recognize that two others got left out (FIL was on an outing with my sister-in-law so he was taken care of). I disappointed my Dad, who didn't get to see me. But he's cool with it and knows I'll be down another day soon. I apparently also disappointed Hubby. When I got home he lit into me about all the things HE will not TOLERATE and things EX should do DIFFERENTLY and SONNY needs to start DOING, TOO.

Yikes! Where did all that anger come from? After all (I rationalized to myself), he got a reprieve! Instead of driving to visit my dad, he got to stay home and watch football all day.

I know better than to expect him to understand. He and his ex-wife have not spoken since their divorce. He is not a father. And he's very hurt that his stepson has turned against him. And he's been there through some nasty, nasty exchanges with my Ex as well. His concern that Ex will eventually spurn my help (just as soon as he's feeling less toxic and weak) is not unfounded. But it won't keep me from offering it. Again.

In the end, I know exactly why he's so prickly. This latest medical crisis is just another reminder of how little control he -- and each of us -- really has. He's stretched to the limit dealing with his own dad. And he needs every spare ounce of comfort I've got. It's not that he's overly greedy or needy. It's just that he wants -- and expects -- to be first on my list, instead of third.

Is that fair or rational? It doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Maybe I'll feel differently after I've had a massage and a facial. Or at least a good night's sleep --- and a newly published hub.

Cabana Boys = Ok. All Others = Keep Out

More by this Author


Comments 112 comments

gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

MM, I am sorry to read about the things that are going on in your life right now. I know it must be hard. It sounds like you have been stretched to the limits and are still getting pulled in many directions. I hope that things get better for you.Hang in there and go get that spa treatment, you deserve it.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Yipes MM...what an awful way to end your weekend. You definitely need some girl time :) With all of those responsibilities...anyone (man/woman) would need a mini vacation. Mine usually involve a good book, cup of coffee and a bubble bath with a "Do not disturb...or DIE!" sign on the door. :)


Em Writes profile image

Em Writes 8 years ago from Upstate NY

*hugs*

Sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Sounds like EVERYONE in your life is being tested to their limits right now. Hopefully writing this was cathartic for you, and you can now move on.

Sounds like your hubby is trying hard to protect you, but going about it in a less than graceful manner. Also sounds like he needs to remember that Sonny is young, and mistakes are to be expected. As far as the ex goes, it isn't as though you can really leave your son to deal with that on his own. And your dads... well, it is what it is. Sad as it is, all you can do is try to make the best of the time that you have with them.

The only advice I can offer is to try to remember to take a little time for yourself, too, and try to forgive the men for the errors of their ways. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

(knock, knock) Hola? Ms. Mighty Mom? It is I, Pepe, your cabana boy and personal masseuse. It is time for your 5:00 o'clock. Hola?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

I thought Pepe was a French speakin' skunk? :)


Lissie profile image

Lissie 8 years ago from New Zealand

Can I be opininated? I'd kinda agree with our husband: you are still letting our ex lean on you when he needs you. He lives alone with his son? And he has health problems - yes he should have alternative plans in place! Getting you to pick up your son is fine but apart from that - know I wouldn't be spending 1/2 the day at the hospital. When was the last time your hubby and you took some you time out together? Just my 2c - good luck!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Who says a french-speaking skunk named Pepe can't also be a cabana boy?


Richard VanIngram profile image

Richard VanIngram 8 years ago from San Antonio, Texas

You know -- we men have one problem. Just one:

We're men.

Great hub, Mighty Mom.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Here's what you do, and I'm not really kidding about this, as much as you will think I am when you start reading, I'm serious:

Shotgun two beers as fast as you can (hold can flat in hand, stab nickel-sized hole close to the bottom of the can, put mouth over hole and finger on tab on the top, tip can up while popping the top open and just open throat.  If your husband played football, he knows how to do this).  Do two of these really fast (one is ok, if you're kind of small), then, without belching, run outside and scream "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" as loud as you can, allowing the burp to come and fill up some of the "UUUUUUU" part.  This primal scream needs to come from the bottom of your soul, from down underneath the frustration and rage that pool like septic mud upon your inner peace.  Howl with a full bodied, animal rage... and you will be purged.

The problem won't be gone, but the bad energy will be.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say. I'm kind of with Lissie, that your Ex is going to keep leaning on you for as long as he leans on you and find he's still got support.  On the other hand, it's very easy to be outhere where I'm sitting looking in and give nice logical advice like that, so, meh.  Go with the beer shotgun and primal scream. The rest is just a nightmare, and I'm very sorry you have so much tension in your life.  I'm sure you'll get through it eventually, but the way through is just going to suck.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

MM, so sorry to hear you are going through this, and of course it is difficult when you feel you are being torn in several directions and simply want to do the right thing. Your ex probably should have contingency plans for this kind of incident, and it sounds as if he is relying on you too much to always be there when he is taken ill. Perhaps if you weren't there this time for him he would make sure he was better prepared next time.

Maybe if Sonny comes to stay with you for a few days it would give him and your Hubby a chance to reconcile, especially if you talk to your Husband about how best this could be achieved.

I really hope things get better for you very soon. :)


Amber Korn profile image

Amber Korn 8 years ago from Los Angeles County

Things in life are hard.... Make no mistake about it. We learn to live with things that a few years ago we could not have imagined. Although it feels as though you are alone..... You are not. There are several resources that can help you in your search for realization. I will do my best to find those for you and post them later.


Milla Mahno profile image

Milla Mahno 8 years ago from Florida

Mighty Mom, not knowing all the details of all your troubles, I won't give you any advice, I just want to mention that now I see you are indeed mighty, and I don't wish you more might, I wish you the best possible luck, and my thoughts are with you!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Dear Hub friends, I am truly overwhelmed by your support here. Can't hardly wait (well, yes, I can) till we have a real death in the family:-). Life does give us challenges. How wonderful to have smart verbal pals to share them with.

I love the step-by-step "how to shotgun a beer" advice. Amazingly, in all my years and beers, I never did master that trick! But writing this hub provided a very similar cathartic effect -- certainly the primal screaming part!

BTW, Sonny and I visited Ex this afternoon. Ex has been transferred to in-network Kaiser hospital, which means he's stable enough to transport. When we arrived he was threatening the cute little (male) nurse assistant with walking out if they didn't bring him some food. When he starts being curmudgeonly, I know he's feeling better. I think I can safely phase out....

Now about that poolside, service, Senor Pepe... I'm ready when you are. Gracias. Bring your amigos (only if they have Speedos) and we'll have a fiesta.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Great hub, MM- Before I read any further; I can identify with your father's fear of falling again. Since my head injuries due to falling down stairs, over two months ago, I am deathly afraid of falling again - but it's not the fall that scares me - as a life-long bike rider I've had my share of spills and run-ins with cars. No, it's hitting my head again, which, on top of the current fractures there now, would probably kill me for sure. I am so afraid this, that I will no longer walk with my hands in my pockets because if I slip I want my hands to be free to keep me from hitting my head. A life-threatening injury - or brush with death, is a traumatic event, not easily gotten over. This, I remind you, is from a former "bullet-proof."

If Hubby expects to be first on your list, even before your son, he is not being rational... and I suspect he knew this when he married you. You touched on a very real problem you both have: A sense of no control over your own lives. You NEED to makes some time, even if it's just an hour or two once a week, for yourselves. This is very important and will help you both, physically and emotionally. A lot depends on the two of you. If you cannot properly care for yourselves, you cannot properly care for others.

You must find a time, AT LEAST once a week, that you can both get away, set the time, set it in stone, and stubbornly stick to it! After you get past the guilt of so "selfeshly" taking time for yourselves, you'll quickly start to feel better, and you'll be better equipped to handle all the stress of your lives.

Stress is a known, proven killer. If it takes you two down, who will take your place?


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

MM, I came to check and see if Christoph and Shades have shown up yet? Should I use the shock collars? Let me know if they do not arrive soon.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

CW -- even without the white beard, you are one sage dude. I really appreciate your thoughts and will take them to heart. I hope you get over your fear of head trauma, tho. You are way too young to be living in such fear!

Gmom- Good Morning! Glad to see you are awake and seemingly hangover free. Last I saw of Chris and Shades was on the Oh Goody...Chrstmas hub (and this was last night). It appeared they were plotting to keep you from sharing "the rules" with me. Ha! Sounds like they are shaking in their speedos, doesn't it!!!! looks like you've got them right where you want them. Tee hee.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

I am a very much a girly-girl and grew up around all sisters, so to be honest I really do not always know how to get along with men I believe.  My nephew loves army toys such themed video games, and even though my niece has princess toys she is much more of a tomboy than I ever was.  I knew how to go hiking an play outside, but to be honest I was never a rough housing and wild tumble kind of kid.  I think this is part of the reason I never really can relate to men I date, I just grew up too much of a girly-girl.  Not that this is a bad thing, I just have to be who I am.  I do respect my dad and grandpa though, they are great men, I am just not incredibly close to them.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 8 years ago from India

What helps is girlfriend tonic - when men get on your nerves (and they don't realise they do, poor things!!), there's nothing quite like venting with a few close women friends - it's incredible how though nothing's changed, things just feel so much better. Here's to better days ahead for you!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Of course I am here. What I am doing here is a private matter between MM and myself. I have the scented rubbing oils and what I plan on doing them is none of your business. And never mind the classical guitar I wear over my shoulder like a bandalero. It is nothing. And I always carry scented candles with me so I don't know why you would find that strange.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Thank you, MM. I believe the fear will subside when the head injuries are completely healed and not as volnurable. You know?

Glad I could help.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

SP, My husband says there are two kinds of mothers: mothers of girls and mothers of boys. Extrapolate that logic and I believe you get the phenomenon you talk of re: yourself and being a girly girl. Interesting to explore what kind of men/women attract to each other. Do ubermales prefer outdoorsy women who can share their male passions? Or do they prefer girlygirls? And what of girlygirls? Maybe a man more in touch with his feminine side?

Shalini Kagal -- girlfriend tonic! GREAT term! And you are oh so right. Gonna go get me some at noon today. Thanks for the reminder!

CW -- I have heard that when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is get right back up on it before fear solidifies. Just a thought. I am thinking our resident cowboy cum cabana boy cum all-around nice guy Christoph might have a a comment on that.

Pepe -- You must have been a Boy Scout, prepared for any situation as you always seem to be. Always carrying scented candles, a classical guitar over your shoulder, lingerie and SMFM pumps brandished in front of you like a cross. Not to mention the signature speedo. Some women might shrink away in fear. But they do not know your intentions are only to please. I appreciate your presence and support.

Time to go please some men...


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

I agree, and did just that, honest! I went back to my work-out routine three days after I got back home. But, I'm not "getting back on any horses," just yet. Not when I know a simple fall could be THEE last one. But, I'm not hiding at home... which I sometimes very much feel like doing! I'm just paranoid and careful. I sure I'll get better once the Threat of Death passes... ;-)


izettl profile image

izettl 8 years ago from The Great Northwest

Men are exhausting. The ex thing- don't be an enabler. Some people are chronically sick or don't take care of themsleves to get attention so maybe he enjoys the quality time with you too much- your husband needs that time with you more. Good luck with your juggling act.

L


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

I agree with Izettl. The ex seems to be taking advantage of you... because he knows he can. I heard it said once, "Some people will treat you as badly as you allow them, too."

Young children will do the same thing, but they don't know any better...


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

You are both right. And I am working hard to train the younger one not to think or treat people like the big one. We now have Ex stabilized. Sonny has to get some things out of the house for him. After this trip to the hospital I am DONE. Time to get back to my own hubby and participate in this historical day.

Izetti- very insightful. And CW, you are always insightful but thanks for the reminder. If my head hurts it's because I let myself get kicked. Not good...


CJtoo profile image

CJtoo 8 years ago from running towards the beach

MM, WOW!! Thank goodness you are mighty! You sure need to be right now.

It would be really easy for me to say your ex is your ex for a reason, blah, blah, blah. But he is also the father of your son, a young man who it sounds like is having a lot of issues right now.

Having walked in very similar flip-flops for several years, with both of my parents in and out of the hospital, a 2nd husband who really, really dislikes the 1st and 3 kids going through or entering into their teens while mom was being pulled in 5 directions at once. I survived with the help of a great therapist!!

In a few years all this will be behind you. Once Sonny is off to college your duty to your ex will lighten considerably.

The only thing I would suggest is some heavy duty therapy for Sonny and Hubby so they can work out their differences. After all their main concern should be their mutual love for you.

Hugs to you, CJ     


mariane14 profile image

mariane14 8 years ago from USA

its pretty scary getting married and go into these traumatic events... i think ill be the first one to go to the hospital.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi ladies, thanks for visiting my hugs. CJ, sounds like you have walked in my flipflops for sure. Can't quite picture men reporting this exact situation, tho -- can you? The best thing that is happening through all of this is Sonny and I are becoming very, very close and he is really seeing (without my having to say a word, just do the right thing) why his dad and I are no longer married. He gets it:-).

1.5 more years of high school left. Can we all make it that long? Some days I really wonder. I do like the idea of pointing out to Hubby and Sonny that they need to focus on their mutual love for moi. Yeah. I almost forgot that. LOL!


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

I know you are going through tough times. I know we try to please everyone and endup getting over stretched/drained physically&emotionally. If we prioritize who matter the most, who would be the ones who would be affected the most if something happens to us, who would care for us when we are down the most then life would be little less stressful. We can't be everything to everybody there is a limit to how good one can be but beyond that it's not possible.

Sometimes we can't live with men but we can't live without them either (sort of necessary evil)...LOL


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

You are absolutely right on that, Countrywomen. If I didn't have all these men to juggle, I'd have a boring life. I am glad to be here to spread my love around and to share it with my hubbing friends and get more love spread around!!! I think they call it LIFE. Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me. MM


Valentine Logar profile image

Valentine Logar 8 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Ah men...sounds to me that you need a few hugs and then something to hit, hard. Ex is looking for a wedge, don't give it to him or in to him. Been there and done that it never turns out well. Your son will understand some day, I promise. As for the rest of the men in your life, you are right it is just part of life, not a great part but just that part which we all have to get through.


RGraf profile image

RGraf 8 years ago from Wisconsin

Wow! To be honest I don't know if advice is what you need. A week away from everyone and being pampered is more like it. This is a situation in which everyone should stop and evaluate their parts in all this - the motivations might be good but they don't help the situation. That doesn't help you much, I know.

My prayers are with you.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Thanks so much Valentine and RGraf. Just knowing others have been through this and understand how crazy-making it is really helps! I think my next hub will be about how women rock:-)!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Senorita, might I suggest a hub about how women AND Pepe rock? Pepe, and Pepe alone, knows how to make you feel better.


gjcody profile image

gjcody 8 years ago

Mighty Mom ...As a new reader of your hubs ...I have to tell you that most people can relate to your troubles. With today being so overwhelmed with illnesses, we are all faced with being sandwiched in between our parents and our children ....and in some cases our ex and new love too.

Joining two families together only adds to the craziness...and what is the answer ..only you will have it.

You see, first you are a caretaker and the people that you pick (you think) to love really pick you. You see the good care-taking part of you attracts people that want all of you and really you only have so much to spread around.

I can recommend a book to read ...called "Setting Boundaries" and that is what you need to do because if you don't ...the caretaker is usually the first to go.

Take some time and read my hubs on "Heart, Diet and Stress." You think they have problems ...well let me tell you Stress is a bigger illness then all of those put together.

Take care of yourself first! I tell people this all the time. My first suggestion is add one special thing you do for yourself every week ..."NO MATTER WHAT" and don't feel guilty if someone else needs you and you say no.

No is another word that we don't use much. I know because I am one of these types of people that has a hard time setting boundaries. But when you do and you get to know yourself ....you will look like the person in your picture ..you will dance again and smile.

Thanks for sharing your story with us and I am sure it makes you feel better just knowing that someone is listening. Keep strong ..eat right ...and allow yourself to do something for yourself ...and as for the new husband ..you need to set your boundaries on his behavior too.

Take care and my best to your health!!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Hey MM I have come to punctuate, just watch that Pepe he is not what he says!

Clue, if he shows up wearing a Stetson be vewy vewy careful!

Seriously though there is a lot of good advise up above ! But as my mother used to tell me "son you make you bed now you gotta lie in it" It took me ages to work out wtf she was talking about. She used to make my bed?

There are three people you should consider first.

1 you

2 you

3 you

Now go and see Pepe


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hey Ag -- I hope you were flattered by your punctuation designation. I hold good punctuation in very high regard!!! Also your advice about Pepe. I assume you mean if he shows up wearing a Stetson in lieu of his Speedo... that would be vewy vewy scawy. He needs both hands for my massage...

Pepe -- you know you rock, dude! And you also know that any generalized comment MM makes that is pro women automatically includes you and that any generalized comment that is anti male automatically excludes you.

GJCody -- thanks for the sound advice. As it happens, I am just back from an extended drinks/apps session with a friend (female) who drummed into my head the "take care of yourself first" mantra. Boundaries do not come naturally to me. Long history of codependence to overcome. But the good news is, I am open to learning new tricks. And I will definitely check out your hub. Glad you found your way to mine!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Hi MM I just had to go and have a re-read, I thought for one minute that you had said Punctuality. Phew my wife's favourite saying to me is "You'll be late for your own funeral". Guess what I think she's right!

As much as I would dearly love to hang around the hubs and chat longer with you guys my time constraints force me to dash in and out, with the clever, witty,wicked,mischievous,flirty, childlike, sentimental, friendly(did I miss any) badly punctuated remarks! I did say clever did I not?

btw I don't care what you call me just don't call me late for dinner! (one of Chris's rimshots) You cooking smells soooo good!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

LOL. Nope. I distinctly said and meant "punctuation." IMO what you add to the chats is the appropriate little dash, elipses, parenthesis or exclamation point. Not unlike the icing -- excuse me, the very CLEVER icing -- on the cake, if you will. Although timing is part of it -- and I'm chuckling because I plan to be late for my own funeral also (like I'm late to everything else in life).

Probably a good thing that you have a life and a wife to call you to dinner. ou don't spend all your time on here. Then I'd have to come up with a different term for you and there's really no one else I could assign "punctuation" to...


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

And so it came to be, Punctuation Pete was born.!

So we now have MM and PP .

MM my credo in life is to make each person I meet along this path we call life a happier person for having met me! I have had failures but not too many!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

I do believe that. It is a lovely credo and one each of us would do well to adopt/emulate.

I love the idea of Punctuation Pete. Nicknames are so fun. So long as Pepe (aka Christoph my cabana boy) doesn't become confused or jealous. PP vs. Pepe -- just so long as everyone minds their Ps and Qs (is that punctuation... or is it manners?). Anyway, when I think of PP I will think "double fun and double nice..." how's that!?


My Cause Has Paws profile image

My Cause Has Paws 8 years ago from Virginia

Sounds very stressful. And my advice to you MM, is the trick is to keep breathing. Eventually, hopefully things will work out. For better or worse, they will work out.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Sounds like a plan. I don't think the cabana boy is the jealous type.

So now lets see. How is your algebra.

X = (MM*PePe+PP)Y

X as always the unknown 

Y can be an introduced variable?

Any suggestions?


PeaceNow 8 years ago

Hello, Unfortunately women are too often taught from childhood to override their "sense filters" e.g intuitions/gut feelings in order to be good -which means being side kicks, help mates and caregivers. Now I have no problem with playing the nuturing role - staying home to raise 2 great kids was the joy of my life - but it should not be at the expense of losing yourself and becoming a doormat enabler. It is okay to say no - and if you or someone else has a problem with that you really have to ask yourself what the value of the relationship is if there is no room for knowing who you really are (saying no is one way we define ourselves).


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

PeaceNow, Thanks again for wise counsel. Oddly enough, I trounced around on this earth as anything BUT a helpmate and caregiver for too many years. This may be karmic payback. I am grateful to have my work, my friends, and my hubmates to keep me "balanced" against so much testy testosterone!

PP -- Algebra. Now there's a stretch for a writer chick. I'm willing to give it a go, tho! So Y = the introduced variable, eh? I think the fun will be that the variable will change depending on the hub, comment thread and mood. For example, the Y variable here might be "protection" or "nurturing" or "advice" on another hub (Like PePe's one about dolls) the Y variable might be "sillilness" or "innuendo" sound like a plan to you?

Thanks for commenting!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

MM, I can't add any advice here that's different from what's been said.  I just want you to know that I read your words and thought about them a lot. 

I'm not in the position that you are, although I could see how I might be, and if I were, I'd be doing two things right now, based on the advice of your readers:  (1) giving tee shirts to my son, husband, and ex that say *I'm a Big Boy / I Can Take Care of Myself*, and (2) walking purposefully out the door to go get pampered by Pepe at the pool / spa / beach somewhere far away, like maybe in Australia. :)

Thumbs up for having the courage to put your thoughts and feelings into words.  I have no doubt that many who find it difficult or impossible to express the same thoughts and feelings will gain much from your Hub and its comments.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi ST, Thanks for coming and reading my diatribe. Some days I ask myself "Is it me, or is this really over the top?" Other days it's manageable. I will tell you, having the immense support of the global hubbing community is AMAZINGLY therapeutic. Knowing there there is a Pepe at my beck and call and a PP (aka Ag) in Australia willing to play algebra games and wonderfuly wise women -- all makes sharing feel completely natural.

I've been asked to write a hub on how I cope. That's noodling around in my brain now. I do like the t-shirt idea, tho:-). Brilliant! How about one for me that says

*Independence begins at home*


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

*Independence begins at home*...I think that's the saying you could put on a big poster board nailed to the back of the door you just firmly shut on your way to Pepe. :) And while I'm at it, how about the back of your tee, the one you wear out the door, says *I am not responsible for your inability to deal with your own problems*, while the front says, *Pepe, Here I Come!*

OK. I'm done now. Really.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

LOL! I love it in concept. But if I were to really ditch all ridiculous interactions with my boys (grown and otherwise) I'd have very little to contribute here on HubPages:-). And that goes for Pepe, too. I could so easily keep him busy 8 hours a day (I'd give him evenings off to pal around with Shades and Spryte and Misty and G-mom and you and, and, and....). Thanks again, you truly are a trove of bright ideas, Ms. Sally!!!

Pepe, oh Pepe! I'm ready for my rubdown, Sr. Pepe!!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Yes girls come on over there's plenty of room here, we're bigger than Texas!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Now Ag/PP -- you know size isn't important to us hubber girls!


t.keeley profile image

t.keeley 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

Poor men. Poor you too, MM. Seems like no one wins anymore...

I'm in a cynical mood tonight. It's ok, I vented. It's all good.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi TKeeley! This is an equal opportunity venting place, so I'm glad you added your vent to mine. Hope your cynical mood lifts. I'm doing better. The Ex is now out of the hospita. Grateful he made it through yet another life threat. But also grateful I no longer have to interact with him. Yay!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

MM,I was referring to the size of the country, but now that you raise the subject? P-[).

As they say size doesn't matter to someone where size doesn't matter!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Tee hee, AG. Of course I knew you were referring to the size of the country. Go ahead and be naughty if you must. I know you have a HEART the size of Texas... or Australia, even!


t.keeley profile image

t.keeley 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

I feel like shite.

Beer time. See? I'm not lying here, it's cynicism day. Glad to know I didn't ruin your's, MM


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Now now mightymom how would a nice girl know if I was being naughty.!

btw has PePe shown up yet?

t.keely I like beer!


t.keeley profile image

t.keeley 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

Then join me. Beer time all around!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hope you two helped yourselves to beers while I was out. I always keep my fridge well stocked for visitors! Six hours ago -- let's see, that would have been 9am where I am, TKeeley. A bit early to be getting the weekend started, don't you think? Ag -- I'm entrusting you to get TKeeley out of his cynicism day/shite mood. It may seem like the answer at the time, but we don't want you starting your Saturday all hung over.

PePe has moved on to much bigger adventures. Didn't you see he got elected President of the United HubPages of the World last night? He's way too busy picking his cabinet and dodging media inquiries into his sketchy relationships with interns to tend to my needs. So in short, I am once again in the market for a cabana boy:-).


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

MM I'm sure good old TK is feeling much better now. Just how many beers are left. I lost count after the first 6, thanks for the hospitality MM?

The timing was pretty good for me about 10pm I think it was, can't remember?

I would offer to be your cabana boy but the "speedo" look for me went out about 50years or so ago. You would have to settle for boxers, and I don't wear a stetson just a Akubra?

btw did you not see the rumour I started on that other site between the Pres and your gorgeous self?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

He must be, as I haven't heard otherwise today. If we looked carefully we might be able to track him down on a theology hub somewhere. That would be a good sign that he is back to his usual self.

Thanks for taking care of him. Glad you guys enjoyed the beers. I don't keep count -- if my guests are happy that is all that matters. But be careful, I don't want to have to be taking your keyboard away if I perceive you're impaired!

Cabana boy is a state of mind. It's an attitude. I am not one of those who judges the quality of personal care by personal appearance. Even though Pepe is adorable in his speedo and Stetson, neither of those are required...

I will have to go and check your rumour. Although I would not be surprised if it has been efficiently squelched by the crack media interface team over there. Spryte, Gwendy, Countrywomen -- they're all pretty protective of President Reilly!


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

What comes to mind for a saying it 'lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'.

Seriously, I'll just say I was raised to be a caretaker.  Growing up believing all I wanted out of life was to get married and have kids.  Which I did when I turned 20.  I was also taught that once you were married, the husband then became king.  Anything he said or did was right, and you simply went along with it.  Wrong!  I did that for a lot of years, and it wasn't until hubby and I hit our 30s that we realized, finally, that we were a partnership.  We went through a lot in our young marriage.  We both grew up around alcoholism and its cohorts, codependence and enabling.  We almost got divorced at one point, but we persevered.  (Another old wives tale I grew to believe, you made your bed, lie in it). 

Everyone here is right.  Take care of you first.  That's right, before anyone else.  On one hand, if you fall apart, then gee, they might have to figure everything out by themselves, which would be a good thing for them.  But certainly not for you.  If any of them have a problem with you taking care of you first, oh well.  Learn to be a little bit selfish.  Also, everyone needs to be reminded that the things you do are out of love and respect, love for your loved ones, and respect for the father of your child.  No other reason.  You are not splitting yourself into a dozen pieces for the fun of it.  So, gee, if dinner doesn't get cooked tonight?  Ever hear of take-out? pot pies?  I often think men get married looking for another mommy to take care of them.  I would hope they at least mastered how to get dressed and tie their shoes.  I certainly get that your elderly fathers and your son need you, as for the ex and current hubby, well, not as much as they'd like to believe.  I'm sure they are quite capable of getting along on their own, it's just that they've become very accustomed to you doing everything, so it seems they tend to take advantage of your caring nature.  Other than the dads, let them all grow up.  Remind them they are in your life because they love you, and tell them to let you love them the way you know how.  Does either the ex or hubby ask you, ever, what can they do for you?  My guess would be no.

You have a lot on your plate, and that's an understatement.  So, dear MM, please take care of you, then your family.  Perhaps you and hubby could have a heart to heart and try to come up with other ideas on how to cope.  Perhaps a visiting nurse, or meals on wheels for the dads a couple of times a week?  That might give you both some needed relief.  Perhaps plan a family night out, you, hubby and your son.  Set up something you all would enjoy and do it, consistently, no matter what.  Just some thoughts,,

Please take care and I wish you the best.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Keyboard, what Keyboard? (my eyes are bloodshot)


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Trish- That was quite a heartfelt comment. I surely gained some insights from your experience.

MM - WOW!! You do have MIGHTY typing skills to manage two hubs simulatenously. I am having way too much fun role playing... hehe


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi Trish, I can tell from your comment you've definitely walked this path and truly understand the nature of commitment and marriage. And hanging in there in good times and in bad...

I'm sitting here drinking a nice cup of tea with my Hubby. He and I spent 4.5 hours today taking his two parents to the doctor. Don't even ask why it took 4.5 hours. That is irrelevant. My point is, he is as much in the thick of this care-giving thornbush as I am. And we are doing our best to take care of each other. We will be taking a much needed day off tomorrow/Sunday and walk on the beach.

Truly, as long as it's only 2 out of the 5 that need TLC at any given time, this is doable. It's when the normal equilibrium was upset by a "new" crisis that I got a bit testy. These pages and the wise and caring hubbers who frequent them are right up there on my therapy list. So thanks again. You are 1000% right!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Ag -- Don't make me administer the field sobriety test! Can you touch your finger to your nose and type at the same time? Or hub and walk a straight line? Or recite the alphabet backwards???

CW -- You seem to have found a whole new persona. Perhaps in another life you were a lady-in-waiting to a queen! I'm thoroughly enjoying this new (?) you!


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

MM - In my office Halloween party I was having so much fun that my manager was shocked (He always thought of me as the prim and proper lady) and I proved I can be quite naughty if I ever wanted to be....LOL

I sure wish I was the lady in waiting to beautiful woman like you or misty(Catch up with some good karma to eventually end up being the queen)..hehe


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

That's what makes your *naughtiness* so special, CW. Because it you are normally so ladylike. I think you're giving us here on HubPages the same eye-opening experience as you gave your manager. Tee hee!

And you are definitely spreading good karma all around!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

MM I'm always the "straight" man and I need two hands to type. "see"

and there you go I can recite the alphabet backwards.

t e b a h p l a e h t

I think it must be your weak beer in America.

I just wonder what countrywomens idea of being "quite naughty" would be?

as they say it's always the quiet ones. Hmmmmm.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Good job on the alphabet backwards! I am impressed!! As I said I didn't check which beers you and TKeeley consumed. I normally keep an international supply but know that Fosters was not in there. If you have a favorite let me know and I will make a point of stocking it.

LOL on CW and her idea of being "quite naughty." I already feel like the prudish old lady of the bunch here in the company of such deliciously devilish hubbers (male and female). But, based on what we are seeing and President Cris' complaint that she is a multi-armed Indian goddess -- I wouldn't be surprised if we've got a closet "dominatrix" on our hands:-)


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

MM & Ag - Gosh! I will have to go back to my "goody girl" avatar then. I don't want to spoil my marital chances of finding a good boy...hehe. I am naughty when and where I please. So please guys don't let your imagination run wild about me...LOL


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

countrywomen I love your new persona, your secret is safe with me! What goe's on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Gives a whole new meaning to a Hubhug!

unless of course your offered $1,000,000.


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

Hi MM,

Yes, I've been in some rough waters. And as you very well know, when it rains, it pours. It's at those times that I too can get very cranky! Since I am single, I have spent many weekends just sleeping. Up a few hours, sleep a few, all through the weekend. I am a firm believer that when our mind goes a million miles a minute, the body takes over and says stop!

I'm glad you and hubby are taking much needed alone time. You'll both make it through, just continue being a support to each other and take deep breaths :)


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Trish you did hit the nail on the head when you mentioned "mummie's boys"

Do not some mothers realise when they are raising their sons, they are condemning some poor girl to a life of possible misery? Or are they just too blind with love to see whats happening?

'lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'.

women do not have an exclusive on this, boils down to proper training really!


marketingmergenow profile image

marketingmergenow 8 years ago from Spokane

Great hub Mighty Mom

I thought you did a great job. Keep up the good work.

marketingmergenow


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Is it too late to become a Daddy's Girl (or at least get me a Sugar Daddy)???

Seriously, I'm doing aok. It's good that Hubby and I are sooo looking forward to our overnight out of telephone reach:-). Shhh. Don't spill the beans!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

MM don't forget to take the body lotion(sun screen) throw in a pair of speedos for Hubby it might be just the thing.

Iv'e got to go shop, hope you have a great weekend.

beans! what beans? Moms the word.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

MM- I too like to be a little naughty and not always be the daddy's good girl.

Ag- I guess if you are offered a million my secret isn't safe (well since my parents are from legal background the loophole in your statement is pretty glaring)

I mean anybody could offer you a billion zimbabwe dollars and my secret would be out :-) http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-508840/Zim...


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi Marketingmergernow. Thanks! Welcome to my wacky world!

Ag: You know how Dorothy says when she hits Oz at first "My, people come and go so quickly here..."? Well, I've noticed Hubbers seem to come and go shopping quite a bit recently. Happy shopping and have a great weekend yourself! BTW, no speedos for my ex-football player 51-year-old hubby. He is and never was the banana-hanger type!

CW. I have to laugh. After I wrote I wanted a Sugar Daddy up pops a big old Google ad (above) asking for a Sugar Daddy too! Also, I trust that you have always had the propensity toward naughtiness and it is not simply a function of too much time spent with dubious companions (won't name names but you know exactly who I mean!).


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

MM- " know exactly who I mean" All I can say that I know you don't ever mean to be mean (like bad)....LOL


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

MM You sound so super stretched in your hub - but as I work my way down the page and read your comments  I see that your own kind, soundness of character is kicking back in, your ex is feeling better, your son is showing an awareness of life and your husband while he is feeling pressured, is maybe realising that he is not the only star in the firmament, plus of course with the help of your many hubber friends you are feeling a little better - all good. Hope you have packed your speedos!

My only contribution to you is to say - try and stay sane and calm, give time to yourself even if it is just a long, hot bath with a book. Even a bottle of sherry and a straw could do the trick !! Warning: You may not however feel too good afterwards. 

 ps many years ago I went to classes to learn strategies on how to say *no* to the many people wanting me to help them on a regular basis. Didn't work completely but it certainly helped.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

CW -- LOL. We both know who I mean about dubious companions here on HubPages. Our favorite creative hubbers! '

AjCor -- Thanks so much. They actually teach courses on "Just Say No" (not only for keeping kids off drugs the Nancy Reagan way)??!!! LOL. I sure would be thrilled to learn what you learned. Any chance you'd write a hub on it? Serious!

No speedos packed for the weekend, but we have all the layers of clothes we might need for any foreseeable weather pattern, including pouring rain (which we both hope for). It will be good to be away if only for 1 night!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

sorry - wrong season incorrect geographical location - ergo no speedos silly me!


josephdiego profile image

josephdiego 8 years ago from Eastern Long Island , New York

I have to get back to this one, but I will.ASAP....As a Man I know we can be and are Asses... But!

Please tell me what you think... http://hubpages.com/misc/NoMoreBarackObamaJokesPle...


jordy3738 profile image

jordy3738 8 years ago from Florida

Get over it already!


josephdiego profile image

josephdiego 8 years ago from Eastern Long Island , New York

Are you Kidding me? It's true you are mighty Mom, wife, Daughter and Saint. This will all come back to you some day. I know you don't want to hear this, but you have been chosen. Accept it move on shine like the star that you are. This is coming from the worlds biggest momma's boy. Women are the Gods in my life. Instead of saying amen I say awomen. I won't say God bless you. Because God blessed us men with women like yourself. I just wish that us guys would get over our pride and egos and give credit where credit is due.

Peace, Love, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance... JosephDiego

P.S> you deserve a 3 day spa treatment at least...


Hendrika profile image

Hendrika 8 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

Whow! I thought the three men in my life are more than one should try and handle! Now I know better.


Hendrika profile image

Hendrika 8 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

Whow! I thought the three men in my life are more than one should try and handle! Now I know better.


t.keeley profile image

t.keeley 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

Had my beer. WTF? 9 AM there MM? No way.

I'd love a beer at breakfast!! It works wonders if the beer is gunness too :P

Sorry, I'm killing this hub topic with nonsense. I shall stop.


Ms Chievous profile image

Ms Chievous 8 years ago from Wv

My goodness! A lot of turmoil in your life! Men just don't understand that we just want to save the world!! From my experiences when a man feels threatened he throws out all sense of rational. Your hubby probably had all day to think about possible senerios you and your ex would have at the hospital. By the time you got home He was probably really releived to see you but driving himself crazy with his overactive imagination.

You need stress releif! Forget the facial! Go out with the girls!


vei4346 8 years ago

I think you are trying to be everything to everybody. You are being supportive to your ex-hubby, then a wife, then a mother, then a daughter. This is typical of women. We give so much of ourselves, until we realize that we are emotionally drained. You personally cannot change anyone's situation except through prayer. Pray for your ex, pray for both fathers and pray that your husband is less controlling and more understanding. Oh yeah and your son, prayer is a given for him. Your problems will be there after the spa-but you must continue to remain prayed up!


steve 8 years ago

sounds tough but how does the fact that they're male has what to do with your frustration? If they were female, the battles would never end.


gjcody profile image

gjcody 8 years ago

Mighty Mom ...I am glad your friends are understanding enough to lead you in the right direction. Remember one thing a week is a easy goal. I have a friend that I pounded into her head to do this and I said now "what is your homework?" ...she said, "to think of something I love to do and do it for me daily or weekly" ....to take care of myself ..and she came to me and said (she has a alsheimer husband) that she is now eating breakfast every morning by her self and reading ...Usually she was bouncing up and down trying to please him.

Now she helps him when she is done eating or before she eats ..what ever is necessary ..and she feels much better about herself. It only takes baby steps to realize that you can take care of yourself too!

Hope all is well and things are getting better ...my best to you!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hello dear new visitors to this hub. I have been away for the weekend -- a slight shift in responsibilities (tending to Dad this time). I very much appreciate everyone's insights and support. Even the suggestion "get over it!" because that's actually the best/only thing to do! And steve says: you are absolutely correct. This particular hub happened to be written at a juncture in my week when the ex popped in in a most unwelcome way, tipping our usually precarious scale over (I hate when Hubby gets all A type and ANGRY). I will be writing a new hub soon that shows that I am an equal opportunity whiner (LOL). I totally understand that women can be pains in the butt also -- and that with us females, the battles never end!

So thanks again to all for checking in. I really am not anti-male. Some of my very, very favorite hubbers are men! Speaking of that -- tkeeley, hope you had your breakfast of champions (Guinness is good for you!). MM


pgrundy 8 years ago

Wow, how did I miss this hub? I'd give you a ((((hug)))) if we weren't internet people. (Isn't that weird how we have this 'other' life on here? I like it, and yet it's very weird sometimes.)

Your ex is manipulating you with his illness. I grew up with a Mom like this: Drama, drama, drama. Never knew when I came home from school each day if she'd be there or not, or if my dad would be with her or not, or who would be there if anyone, or what would happen next. Emergency after emergency. Reading this I kept thinking how horrible this all must be for your son. I know you worry about him--how could you not?

If we were talking in a different context though, I'd have to share my struggles with codependence, and how so many of us have the codependence issue too, and how important it is to take care of ourselves first and leave the rest to God. I think CW gave you great advice, and I'm really, really sorry all this is happening in your life--but I know you are doing the best you can. It sounds like you already know in your gut you can't carry all this alone, so maybe it's time to put some of it down and take care of MM. I'm no shrink, that was just my first sense of it.

I've had to set boundaries in my own life that were very, very hard to set and I needed lots of help to do it. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help when you need it. It sounds (just from what you've shared) like your ex has managed to keep quite a circus going around himself for quite some time---you, your son, your husband--the ex is in the center of all that drama. If you can cut through that, I think all of you guys would feel better. Yes he's sick, but it's his sickness and his responsibility. It sounds like he's gotten pretty good at getting everyone around him to carry that instead.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

As usual, Pam, you're right on the money with your observations. I'm no shrink either but know enough to know I'm (over)compensating for past bad behavior now that I'm together enough to be present and available, ya know? No one can manipulate me or make me do anything that I don't allow them to do.

Codependence is a sicker sickness than people realize. I think because it "presents" as helping it is socially sanctioned. People never get mad or disgusted with you for being an active co, do they? In fact, I think I may have to write a hub about this topic.

Thanks very much for the support and the reminder about patterns and boundaries. And it's extremely comforting to know I can ask for help right here on HP and get it pretty much any time of day or night! Thanks again.


pgrundy 8 years ago

Hey MM, You are awesome, and I'd love to read a codependence hub of yours. Really, it's my worst problem and you're right--it's a much sicker sickness than most people realize it is. Codependent behavior looks caring on the surface, and then of course the sick person relying on all that 'help' from the codependent isn't going to complain. God I should write a hub on it too. Maybe we'll both write a hub on it! lol!

If I'm an expert on anything it's dysfunctional relationships--I've been in so many! (Not like this keeps me out of them, but I'm learning...)


Leta S 8 years ago

Hi, MM--

I didn't know all this was going on in your life! And there I go posting on another hub of yours, asking for writing/muse advice, essentially.... :(

I also have enough drama going on in my immediate life, but luckily my parents are not part of it. My father, 10 years older than my mother has had a heart attack and a stroke, and now needs surgery, but I am proud of the independent (do I say Midwestern?) way they have always lived and planned for their futures.

Well, the good thing about these dramatic episodes is that they do not last forever, and when getting through them, you are left with a tremendous sense of relief and maybe even more respect for yourself, if you can muster it, and realize you owe that to yourself.

My way of dealing with too much stress and too many 'needy' is to literally just go--away by myself, usually--to some locale I've always wanted to see. I did this a lot with my through-the-roof-stressful last newspaper job. Even 3-4 days is like a miracle because it opens your thoughts and puts all things in perspective--even just through the change of scenery. One of my favorite trips was just a little hop over to El Segundo, CA--which you Californians may laugh at--but which I chose because of the vacant beaches (plus it was just a lovely little town).

Sitting by the ocean and just 'being' has got to be some of the best peace and even, therapy in the world.


Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 7 years ago from Massachusetts

MightyMom, sorry to see you have so many health issues going on with the family/sort-of-family.

I don't know if this saying is appropriate under such serious circumstances, but I once saw a refrigerator magnet, "So many men. So little aspirin." I love that one. :)


Adam B 7 years ago

Hello MM, as I am a pretty unexperienced father being that I have a 3 yer old and a 1 year old, one thing that somewhat upsets me about your issues is your husband.

I can't even remotely for any reason at all in the world spend time with someone who has an issue with my girls. If I were to get divorced and re-marry, they had better know that my girls are the most important part of my life and if there was ever any indication that they would not get along, fight or cause any sort of remote issues with my relationship with my daughters...they are out on the street.

Now, I don't know anything about your relationship and have no reason to imply or assume anything so I am not. I am just saying...you should be there for your son and whatever fallout happens from you being there for him...so be it. You are doing the right thing.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi AdamB, Thank you for visiting. I haven't reread this hub in months so did so before commenting on your comment. OMG. It is amazing to me to realize that in the last 9 months 3 out of the 5 men in my life have died! My dad, my father-in-law and my ex-husband are all gone now.

Issues with my son are much better. He is 17 and living with us.

Issues with Hubby are being worked on.

Still could use that spa weekend, tho!

But thank you so much for commenting. I hope you never, ever have to deal with a "replacement mom" for your daughters. It is really tough even under the best of circumstances, although I know families where the new stepmom or stepdad has been welcomed and cherished by the kids.

BTW, I have been there for my son and everyone is well aware that if I were forced to choose (hopefully I will not have to) I go with my own flesh and blood. Sounds like you already have that one figured out. Good for you!


the advice man profile image

the advice man 6 years ago from Central Va., U.S.A.

I have new found respect for you, M. Not to say that I didn't respect you before. I write about these things all the time. I have an "ex" myself who definitely had a hand in why my two grown daughters no longer talk to me. And I was a great dad. "HUBBY" sounds a bit insecure, "Sonny" being a male version of you should make it through teen years in one piece. We are powerless to fight the evil forces of "ex's" until they are no longer required in our life or our childrens life. As for the 'rents, I lost my dad in Feb., this year. He had that "old-timers" disease too. I had to laugh to keep from crying. Know one thing: you are not alone. We all suffer as kindred spirits. Peace.


zzron profile image

zzron 6 years ago from Houston, TX.

It can't be that bad after all we just met so I know you haven't had the pleasure. I think after you read a few of my hubs you might have second thoughts about all men and I think you may even feel better :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hello zzron. That sounds like a a challenge to me! But don't get the wrong impression. There are many, many men (including hubbers!) that I like very much!

But I do look forward to getting to know you better...


aaaa 5 years ago

I am also sick of men. I am pretty sure I'm straight but I met a woman that I like and I am really close to considering dating her. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or just bicurious, or if I'm just doing this because I'm sick of men. Either way, she is very pretty and treats me like a person, which has not happened to me in a long time with the MEN I know.

The men I know 1) treat women like slabs of beef, whether they're pretty or ugly. When they find you ugly they don't waste their time talking to you, and when they find you pretty they are fake and disingenious.

2) they lack respect. whether it's the fact that they watch porn where men treat women like shit and dominate them or whether they just think they're being funny when they call someone a ()(itch, either way I find myself unwilling to have sex with them.

3) they're arrogant and tactless

4) they think they're hot shit even when they're really, really not.

5) they dress and look like total crap and think youll be attracted to them just because they're men. YEAH, RIGHT.

6)they don't accept me as a woman and whenever I do something slightly masculine or dont dress the way they would want me too, they act like it's some sort of personal insult to their masculinity. NEWSFLASH, I'm a tomboy, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Idiots.

7) there might be a couple of good ones left but I sure haven't found them.

8) the good ones act like idiots too.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

goodness girlfriend, you've written your own hub as a comment! sorry your experiences with men have been so annoying. they are NOT all like that. but NONE of them is perfect (like we are). i wish you good luck with exploring your sexuality. you owe it to yourself to experience everything this life has to offer. you won't know if you never try! good luck. MM


ATJC 5 years ago

Hey, mom.

Where are you getting your love from?


MYSTERY 5 years ago

I TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

YOU WOMEN ONLY EVER LOVED YOURSELVES

COME TO ME IF YOU CAN, AND FACE JUDGEMENT

WHO AM I???


him 5 years ago

You know i am sick to death of women! The women in my life give me a really hard time. Thats why i decided to treat myself to two days of spa treatments.

I deserve it!

lol

Honestly, listen to yourself. If i had a nickel for everytime a woman p*ssed me off then i would have a sh*t load of nickels!!!

Grow up lady!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hello him,

Good for you for getting spa treatments. I wish I could do that (do you remember the old saying, Calgon... take me away...?)

I haven't looked at this hub in awhile.

Obviously one I wrote very early in my Hub Pages membership.

Update. My dad died in 11/08 and my father-in-law in 2/09. My son's dad also died in 5/09. So we're down to only 1 key men in my life. My hubby and my son, who is now 18.

I love them both DEARLY, but stand by what I say. Men just require care in a different way than women.

Guess that's why we're considered the nurturers:-).

Grow up, you say? I've aged about two decades in the last few years. No signs of stopping, either.

Thanks for visiting and commenting. Enjoy your spa treatments! MM


Freegoldman profile image

Freegoldman 5 years ago from Newyork

Ur hubs really seem to be unique and innovative Mighty Mom.Another excellent hub.The flow of words in the article is really good.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Thanks again, Freegoldman! I've been noticing your activity in the forums recently and look forward to getting to know you! MM

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