Why Is My Husband Cheating on Me?

Why is He Cheating on Me?

How many women have asked themselves that question?  Perhaps, I am lucky.  I'm not married, but I come in contact with lots and lots of married couples.  Often I work with them together, sometimes individually.  I have learned a lot.

Some husbands cheat. Period. It's in their genes. No, I'm not making excuses for unfaithful men. I'm just saying that science has found a gene in some men that show a propensity for cheating on their wives or girlfriends. Let's hope that discovery does not become a defense. And, it certainly is not a good excuse for bad behavior.

Some wives will blame themselves for a cheating husband. Since I began working with families and individuals, assisting them in nutrition, health and fitness, I have heard every excuse under the sun for men cheating on their wives. Sometimes I feel like a bartender or a hairdresser. I am amazed at how much personal, very personal information people will share during a workout or as we plan family meals.

I have seem wives beat themselves up emotionally and lose all self-esteem when they discover that their husband has taken a lover.

I began listening to men and women as they talked privately about their unfaithfulness or their unfaithful husband. Thank goodness for all those degrees in psychology I worked so hard for and for so long. I have tried to avoid clinical psychology as a profession, but it comes in handy from time to time. I have learned to listen and observe.

So, the question of the day is "why is he cheating on me?" and "what can I do about it?"

What the Men Are Saying

Most of the men who have owned up to an illicit affair, be it a one night stand or an ongoing relationship, have the same litany of excuses.

"My wife...."

  • Doesn't have time for me
  • Is always talking about work. What about me?
  • Spends all her time taking care of the children. There is no "us" time.
  • Talks to her friends on the phone all the time.
  • Spends hours on the computer.
  • Is always complaining about something as soon as I walk through the door."
  • Never kisses me any more. If I don't initiate sex we don't have it.
  • Blames me for not making enough money.
  • Looks like hell. She was beautiful when we married.
  • Is a mother now. I feel like I lost my wife.

Those are just a few of the actual comments I have heard from men.

As you can tell from the comments, the husband is not assuming any responsibility for his straying ways. All the comments, at least 99% of them, start with "my wife..." and is completed with something "she" is doing or not doing.

Excuses Only Satisfy Those Who Make Them

I learned that from my mother.  There is quite a bit of truth to the saying.  Cheating men make excuses for their behavior.  And, in most cases, human nature being what it is, it is always easier to blame someone else for our own shortcomings and failures.

While few women today are as dependent on having a man to support them or the family as they were in days gone by, the truth is that the man still possesses a male ego.  Male egos need to be stroked from time to time. 

Another truth is that there is always someone waiting in the wings to stroke your man's ego --- at least in the short term.  While being unfaithful is definitely a maladaptive behavior, it may not hurt the wife to take away some of the excuses and build a well oiled working relationship with the husband before his eyes begin to stray and he starts looking for excuses.

It must be said that no woman is to blame for a cheating husband.  The very least he could do would be to tell his wife that he has an interest in someone else so together they can decide if their relationship is worth working on.  However, most often that isn't going to happen.

A Note to Women

We have all heard the excuses men make for straying. Head them off at the pass. Don't give the man in your life the opportunity to create an excuse to be unfaithful.

"The wife is always the last to know." Oh, please! That is nothing but bull. The wife may be the last to admit to herself that her husband is cheating, but she knows. Again, I go back to something my mom taught me. "Have the courage to face your truth. Then, live it." If you feel as if your husband is cheating, he probably is. There will be signs:

  • Working late at the office
  • Private phone calls that pull him into another room
  • Leaving the house on a flimsy excuse after getting a phone call
  • Hiding the credit card bills
  • Working out at the gym longer than usual, especially if he has a new interest in creating a new physique

Women know. They just know. Once you know, the choice is yours. Live with it or confront him. But, do not hide the truth from yourself.

There are a few things a woman can do to rekindle her husband's interest:

  • Greet him when he gets home as if you are happy to see him. Do not start the conversation with "the washing machine broke today" or "I am so tired I could just fall over" or the other usual things that slap the face verbally or tell him tonight is not the night.
  • Go to the gym with him. Or, engage in an activity that interests him. Maybe get him interested in a couples' yoga class. (One of my favorite books is Lovers' Yoga. Get fit and get romantic. Trust me on this one, this is a book of love and fitness.)
  • Plan a special dinner for the two of you one night a week --- no kids. Send the to grandma's house.
  • Once in a while, do not be a wife, be a lover --- just like before you got married.
  • Do not make up excuses for not having time for him. Remember, excuses only satisfy those who make them. That goes both ways.

 

The Bottomline

Some men are going to cheat no matter what you do. Some men need a little extra attention and occasionally need to feel as if they are the number 1 person in your life. Remember the wedding? He was #1 in your life that day.

Remember that your husband works in an office with women. The only time he sees them they are dressed up, have on make-up and high heels (men love high heels). They are not whining about broken appliances or sick children. They are playing to your man and to your man's needs.

For the men: The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. Then you realize it has to be mowed, too.

For the women: Your husband was your lover before you married him. Make him your lover for life --- even after the children arrive.

Some men would never consider cheating on his wife and family, no matter what. And, once again.... some men are going to be unfaithful to anyone they marry ---ever.

For the Wife:

Has Your Husband Cheated on You?

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Have You Cheated on Him?

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Comments 24 comments

Lee Geurts profile image

Lee Geurts 7 years ago from Green Bay, WI

I have never cheated. My ex wife cheated on me. I tried to make it work after, I just couldn't. Then my next girlfriend cheated on me as well.

Honestly, it has as much to do with your selection of partners as anything. I am older, wiser, and have found love again. This time with a good one.


JennaJackson profile image

JennaJackson 7 years ago Author

Lee, I agree with you. Some people, men or women are going to cheat no matter what.

But, the one thing I wish women... and men... could understand is that it is not the fault of the one who was cheated on. I have seen it cause so much self-doubt.

Good for you finding the right one this time. Best of luck to you both.

Thanks for your wise comment.


blaise25 profile image

blaise25 7 years ago from close to you...

i guess people cheat because they want to try another world...but not necessarily mean they want out.

though, it really hurts. err, love is so confusing! check out http://hubpages.com/relationships/Interview-with-a


JennaJackson profile image

JennaJackson 7 years ago Author

blaise25,

Most of the men... and women... I have worked with do NOT want out, at least not forever. Most want out for a night or two. Unfortunately, once the events of a "night out" come to light, the damage is done. Building trust is harder to do the second time around.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 7 years ago from Southern California

What an interesting and informative hub. This should be printed as a handbook to be handed out to people such as the ones that you encounter in profession. Very, very good! Keep it up.


JennaJackson profile image

JennaJackson 7 years ago Author

fastfreta,

Maybe we should have a cup of coffee some time and chat. Thanks for the kind comment.


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

Interesting Hub! You have made some excellent points here. Incidently I have written a hub on the reasons why men cheat. I would appreciate if you have a look.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Relationships-Ch...


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

very good article thanks


Earthscribe profile image

Earthscribe 7 years ago from Tampa, Florida

Well written article, informative and brutally honest. Well done.


JennaJackson profile image

JennaJackson 7 years ago Author

Thank you Lgali. And, thank you Earthscribe. I try not to be too brutal, but the subject itself is brutal in many respects. I see no reason to dance around the issues. As my mother taught me "Have the courage to face your truth. Then, live it."


trose 6 years ago

You absolutely right in this hub. Thank you for reminding us spouse-of-cheaters that it is not our fault. I spent a good two years beating myself up and blaming myself for something I didn't do. It didn't help that my husband blamed everything on me also. I guess that needs to happen in order to make himself feel better for what he's doing.

You are doing good work here and making a difference. I am thrilled to read more of your articles.


My Sweet  Anjolie profile image

My Sweet Anjolie 6 years ago

In my work I have come to know, hard as it may seem, good men cheat. Is it forgivable - very much so. In fact, it doesn''t matter as much as you think. If your husband is having an affair you can lose him, If your husband pays for a little on the side - not really a problem. That thing they say "It means nothin" all true. They love you. They are very sexual beings.


dLight 6 years ago

You guys should look up the work of Alison Armstrong. I have to say she has a joyful and insightful outlook on this man/woman thing.

Someone should write a hub about her work and her principles that are based on love and GIVING and not on manipulation and control!

Time for you ladies and men to bring this war between the sexes to an end. EVERYONE needs to take on full accountability for their creations! That is the law of the Universe. Look into Ho'Oponopono

Peace, Love, Blessings and Grace

dLight


Confusedgirl 6 years ago

My husband cheated on me when our son was newly born. Yes, I was different after our son's birth and I felt that I had to be a mother first, wife second. I did blame myself for not paying attention to him. He cheated on me with a woman who is 14 years older and the only reason I found out was because her husband confronted my husband outside our house. Yes, she was the neighbor. He was in total denial and did not tell me that he had an affair, even when I already knew about it. To this day I think that he is not sorry it happened. I do love him very much, but I am not in love with him anymore. He hurt me so much that he killed my love for him...He constantly tells me he loves me so much, but I don't believe him. He said that he made a mistake and I can't trust him anymore. I tell him his "hormones are stronger than his heart". He is my best friend, and we are still married, but I cannot forgive him for the affair and it still hurts me very much. Like you said, the damage is done.


janet nigeria 6 years ago

Am blessed by your words


Erinn 5 years ago

men are just pigs!!


iveth velez 4 years ago

i am married 6 years and been with this man for 13years. we have a baby together and i found out he cheated on me with his coworker for over 5 months. i deft want out even though i love him with all my heart..what he did was not good to me or my child, he even had this women in my apartment....i pray to God to help me over come this situation and find peace in my heart


Claudia 4 years ago

My husband gave me an STD's and was a cowerd to tell me the truth if he did cheat on me, I was 1 month pregnant with my first born the doctor call me for my test results, I confronted him over the phone, so when he came home he told me it had happend in high school, I was 26 at the time, scared and confused, is been 7 years now and we have 2 other children, he says he loves me all the time gives me all I want, but there are times I cry and demand him the truth and he shots down and won't open up, I tell him I want to close this chapter of our life, but I'm also afraid of finding out, I'm so sad and confused, I really want to leave him, I feel bad for my kids, what am I going to tell them? HELP


Jaime 4 years ago

I recently noticed my husband had a growing interest in his cell phone,

He's been texting a lot, way more than he used to. I was curious about it so I decided to do a little research before I confronted him. I looked at our bill and noticed one certain number coming up over and over at all hrs. of the night...I was going to confront him yesterday but chickened out telling myself it was probably nothing....I checked the bill again online and the number was their again...I'm worried, should I confront him? I love him so much he's the father of my children and my (i thought) best friend....help! Thanx


Lillian 3 years ago

Hello, my name is Miss Lilian Rossy, I'm from USA. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Garvin, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.Ihumudumu Priest and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Garvin was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on ihumudumupriest@gmail.com


sabrina 3 years ago

I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Garvin, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.Esango Priest and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Garvin was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on esangopriest@hotmail.com


lucy08826 3 years ago

Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so.

much.My husband abandoned me and my 2 kids and said he wanted new adventures.I asked what I had done wrong but he said nothng.He continued paying our bills but moved in with another woman I was so frastrated and atimes I will cry all night because I needed my husband by my side. all thanks to Dr Osaze, I was nearly loosing hope until I saw an article on how Dr Osaze cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, I said to my self. I contacted him via email and after 24 hrs my story changed. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. I have promised to share the testimony as long as I live because he brought back happiness and joy into my life.If you having any kind of problem in your relationship and you need your man back I RECOMMEND Dr Osaze.pls do contact hm directly on spirituallove@hotmail.com.


lucy08826 3 years ago

Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so.

much.My husband abandoned me and my 2 kids and said he wanted new adventures.I asked what I had done wrong but he said nothng.He continued paying our bills but moved in with another woman I was so frastrated and atimes I will cry all night because I needed my husband by my side. all thanks to Dr Osaze, I was nearly loosing hope until I saw an article on how Dr Osaze cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, I said to my self. I contacted him via email and after 24 hrs my story changed. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. I have promised to share the testimony as long as I live because he brought back happiness and joy into my life.If you having any kind of problem in your relationship and you need your man back I RECOMMEND Dr Osaze.pls do contact hm directly on spirituallove@hotmail.com.


kevintech 2 years ago

do you want proof ,are you searching his/her password?

we can help you

Kevintechnologics@safe-mail.net

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