Why So Threatened

I wish I could say that my boyfriends ex-wife has decided to move on with her what seems to be a miserable life. If it weren't miserable I don't think she would spend so much time trying to make my boyfriends "new life" so awful, unsuccessfuly of course, with her continuing harassing text messages, phone calls and as you'll read below the emails.

My boyfriend and I have made the decision to make our family bigger and have our first child together. I'm now 4 1/2 months along and his ex continues to make attempts to try and make him feel badly about the life decisions he has made since their divorce in 2008 after her countless acts of indiscretion. Now that he's moved on with his life why is she so threatened?

As I've stated in prior Hubs, my boyfriend is a wonderful Father and provider for his now 14 year old son, who I reference as "the boy" throughout this Hub. He plays the Father and Mother figure in his son's life. He's the nurturing one of the 2 parents. The mother seems to want to buy her son's affections and only calls him "son" when it will make her look good in front of a crowd. I don't know her and don't care to but this is what I've witnesses over the past almost 2 years.

My boyfriend has recently taken a 2nd job that he works at night. He wants to save up some extra money before the baby is born. We are expecting our new addition in July and while the first 3 months were very hard for me physically I'm finally feeling great. This is supossed to be a happy and joyful time with the anticipation of a new life coming soon and the expansion of our family. Why won't my boyfriends ex just mind her own business, be the Mom she should be and stop insulting not only my boyfriend but ME?

In the beginning of December my boyfriend who coaches soccer and his son who plays soccer had a mini soccer tournament. Now since I've been involved with both my boyfriend and his son, I've always gone to these games. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for my boyfriends ex. She saw me going and being involved so she began going. Sucks for me becuase she is so terrible but great for my boyfriends son as she should absolutely be involved in every aspect of her son's life. Anyway, I'm at the indoor tournament sitting alone but with parents and other spectators around involved in some casual conversation but mostly trying to pay attention to the soccer game, in walks the ex and late as usual. I don't make eye contact or address her at all. If you've read my prior Hubs, you'll understand why. She clearly spots me and for whatever reason sits within 4-5 feet of me. Why? I have no idea. So there I sit listening to her make a HUGE ass of herself and let people believe that she is "mother of the year". All for show. She doesn't even watch the game. It really was entertaining listening to her make such a scene talking to other parents. The games were close to being over and she conveniently places herself within about a foot of where I am sitting. She takes a phone call on her cell phone, which had been ringing throughout the entire tournament and say's the following "Hi. I know, it's disgusting. She trapped him. He doesn't need this kind of unneeded pressure at his age. Thank you for calling. Bye." Clearly meant for me to hear and referencing me trapping her ex husband by getting pregnant. It was heart wrenching to hear at first but after I saw past my overactive emotions I was able to once again see that she was just reaching for any hurtful thing she could say.

Now she's harassing him about his "new life" and is now claiming that it's effecting my boyfriend's son.

Email from ex wife: Last night we missed an opportunity to help "the boy". Had I known that you would not be able to make it home around 4 as you had relayed and that he would not return from practice until around 9, I could have made sure that he got the help from someone else. I've asked you for this so many times and I'll ask you again. When you can't honor your commitment, please let me know so that I can make sure "the boy" gets what he needs. There was no reason for him to have to wait for you to do whatever you did after practice, which should not have been a priority over your son and his studies. I am very disappointed and I'm sure "the boy" is too. You continue to put him in difficult situations where it is very clear to him that he takes a back seat in your new life.

response from my boyfriend: "ex wife" while I appreciate your interest in my new life let’s agree that you should monitor yours more closely vs mine. So to your pointed note below I can offer the following, not that I owe you any of this, but rather just as an fyi. I was home by 4:30pm. I asked him if he wanted to study before practice and he asked me to take him to the mall which I did. We went to the mall and got what he needed. We then went to practice and at 7:40pm we went to get dinner. We went directly home while eating, he took a shower and we started studying at 9:00pm. He was asleep by 10:00pm. We got up at 5:55am and reviewed his test material, ate breakfast and he went off on his way.

Email from ex wife: Please understand that I am not focusing on your new life in particular but on the impact that your new life has on our son. He is my number one priority and when he is hurting or frustrated, I take notice and naturally run to his defense. It amazes me that you are able to turn a blind eye to how you are hurting him. In all honesty, I never would have left had I known that you would turn out to be this kind of father. It saddens me because despite our challenges as husband and wife, I always thought you were a fantastic Dad and role model. It is clear that your transformation is the result of you coming under the influence of someone who doesn't give a crap about our son, and feels threatened by me, hence her forcing you to make choices that are intended to hurt me but actually impact him a great deal. You have allowed her to force change upon you that is not becoming and certainly not in the best interest of "the boy". This business with the dogs is a perfect example of you losing control of your situation and letting an outsider make decisions that are not hers to make. Don't think that "the boy" is too young to be able to connect the dots and formulate his own opinions of the choices you've made with your new life, who you've become, and where he stands in your household. Don't think for one minute that he hasn't questioned how his 44 year old dad could get his girlfriend pregnant despite not having money to cover his hot lunch program or even more important, contributing to his college savings. Don't think he isn't feeling slighted by the fact that the baby prompted you to get a second job but your inability to save for his college never escalated as a priority for you. Don't think he doesn't feel anger for having to stay at home alone with her on the nights when you are at Home Depot working your ass off for a baby you can't afford. When he talks to me about these things, I encourage him to to be sensitive to what you may be experiencing as it is clear that you are not happy with how things have shaken out for you. Clearly you are not living a life that you would have deliberately chosen but it is what it is and hopefully "the boy" adjusts to the new dynamic. I feel sad for you. You've lost so much and I'm sure you are embarrassed and she's brought you down to a level that I'm sure you never anticipated. It must be very difficult for you knowing that there is no way out.

As for my new life, thankfully it is wholesome, healthy and happy and my home is a place where "the boy" feels prioritized, valued and taken care of. I'm glad he has Frank as a male role model because he desperately needs one. I'm happy that I've created a situation where "the boy"has at least one home that he can stay at where things are normal.

I will continue to relay my concerns of your apathy towards "the boy" and what is best for him. I would be remiss if I didn't. I'm sure you understand. Or maybe you don't. You are not who you use to be be. I'm sorry it has come to this.

I will continue to not understand why she is the way that she is and more importantly why she tries to hurt us by spreading lies about "the boy". He's not unhappy, my boyfriend is not unhappy and I'm certainly not unhappy. I'm almost positive that she can't honestly admit the same.

Comments 4 comments

hair bender profile image

hair bender 4 years ago

Dear NeedsAdvice, This is my husband's ex wife all over-trying to make herself look like the saint and him like the demon. It is a small consolation but if you know in your heart that you are not doing anything wrong, then feel confident that "the Boy" will see through her facade one day. Unfortunately, my stepson-who is 24- is living back with his mother-she is 57, has no job because she was fired last May and she is living off his income as a dishwasher at a restaurant, and doesn't want to show me affection due to his mother's explosive personality. He is stuck and we can see where this will end but he can't. Keep your chin up and remember that the best revenge is living a good life. I would also keep track of every email, text, phone message, letter that she sends because it is called parental alienation and you can talk to an attorney to get it stopped. Hope this helps!


needadvice1981 profile image

needadvice1981 4 years ago Author

Thank you Hair bender. The 3, almost 4, of us will continue to live happy lives and she will continue to try and control a household that is not hers. I don't understand why she spreads the lies that she spreads. "The boy" is very well provided, cared for and loved here at home. Maybe it makes her jealous? I don't understand why though. She chose to leave. I just wish she would continue on that road and keep going.

I appreciate your advice very much but am sad at the same time to know that there are other people in this world behaving this way. I know that in the coming months things will all calm down. It will be forced upon the unhappy but it will calm down.

Keeping my chin up.

Thank you.


hair bender profile image

hair bender 4 years ago

I think it also has to do with the fact that another woman(you) saw the great gem that your boyfriend(her ex) is and snatched him up. She didn't want him and thought he would be available to her. When he wasn't, she thought, maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all. But now he belongs to someone else and she can never get him back.

Happy pushing!!!


needadvice1981 profile image

needadvice1981 4 years ago Author

I just don't understand her interest in a life she decided wasn't good enough for her. Now all she does is concentrate all of her time on it.

Maybe you're right and hopefully she will eventually just go away.

Based on other stories I've read, these kind of people are so unhappy with themselves and make it their life's work to try and make everyone else miserable too.

She purchased a new Mercedes this weekend. Maybe that will keep her quiet for a while.

Fingers crossed.

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