Why do we hate the person our partner was unfaithful with more than our partner?
Over the last few decades I have counseled many couples of different religious faiths, beliefs, and types of marriages, but this issue is one that is almost always the same when it occurs. Either gender of partner maybe the one who has been unfaithful, but the other partner does exactly the same behavior pattern.
The spurned partner forgives the transgression in their significant other, to some degree enters back into normalcy of a partnership with them, starts having relations sexually with them, and begins to heal their feelings of love for them. Because the other woman or man, that person is an incubus or succumbs. Not only did they trick the other partner into being unfaithful, they seduced them, coerced them, drugged them, got them drunk, magically made their clothes disappear, and practically had to force them into having intercourse. For all practical purposes, the other partner was mentally and physically raped. They had nothing to do with the affair, it was completely out of their hands, because the other man or woman has demonic powers. The other woman or man is a master of deception. They are said to be manipulator, instigator, vampire, thief, spy, predator, stalker, pathological liar, psychologically imbalanced, a threat to society, a danger to children, and of course, a jerk, beeach, or general pain in the rear.
Oddly they are also ugly, stupid, and dumb.
Okay here we go, if they are those last three things, understandably your meek, defenseless significant other was doomed to be caught by their web of deception. But what about you the victim? Were you even dumber than they were, are they really that good at what they do? The fact is almost none of this story we spin about the other man or woman is true. It is a distorted view that we have created of them, all of it to protect ourselves from something that hurts us even worse.
Our trusted partner failed to be the person we expected and believed that they were. If they failed us in this way, it is possible that there are other things that are not perfect about them too. If they are not perfect, then what are they going to do when they find out that we are not perfect either. Maybe the other man or woman is better than us in bed, in having fun, or better looking. Maybe they will leave us for them, because we see ourselves as imperfect and maybe we don't deserve the love of our partner.
Maybe we are just ugly, stupid, and dumb. And there it is really, how we judge others is really what we fear maybe true about ourselves.
We skip judging out mate, because it is too close to home and we are afraid we will drive them even further from us. But if you do not talk to them about their affair honestly, then you are doing yourself no favors either. Passing the blame off on the other woman or man is not wise, it deals with none of the core problems, it leaves the relationship wounded, and it does not help you start to heal. Also your partner was not an innocent victim and they must be honest, seek redemption, ask themselves and you to forgive them, but you need them to do it.
Do not try to do this for them. Do what is good for you. Do not hate the other man or woman, let those feelings go and confront the people that are in your life. The truth will not kill you, it will probably hurt a lot, but it will set you free mentally, spiritually, and physically.
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