Why do we hate the person our partner was unfaithful with more than our partner?

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Over the last few decades I have counseled many couples of different religious faiths, beliefs, and types of marriages, but this issue is one that is almost always the same when it occurs. Either gender of partner maybe the one who has been unfaithful, but the other partner does exactly the same behavior pattern.

The spurned partner forgives the transgression in their significant other, to some degree enters back into normalcy of a partnership with them, starts having relations sexually with them, and begins to heal their feelings of love for them. Because the other woman or man, that person is an incubus or succumbs. Not only did they trick the other partner into being unfaithful, they seduced them, coerced them, drugged them, got them drunk, magically made their clothes disappear, and practically had to force them into having intercourse. For all practical purposes, the other partner was mentally and physically raped. They had nothing to do with the affair, it was completely out of their hands, because the other man or woman has demonic powers. The other woman or man is a master of deception. They are said to be manipulator, instigator, vampire, thief, spy, predator, stalker, pathological liar, psychologically imbalanced, a threat to society, a danger to children, and of course, a jerk, beeach, or general pain in the rear.

Oddly they are also ugly, stupid, and dumb.

Okay here we go, if they are those last three things, understandably your meek, defenseless significant other was doomed to be caught by their web of deception. But what about you the victim? Were you even dumber than they were, are they really that good at what they do? The fact is almost none of this story we spin about the other man or woman is true. It is a distorted view that we have created of them, all of it to protect ourselves from something that hurts us even worse.

Our trusted partner failed to be the person we expected and believed that they were. If they failed us in this way, it is possible that there are other things that are not perfect about them too. If they are not perfect, then what are they going to do when they find out that we are not perfect either. Maybe the other man or woman is better than us in bed, in having fun, or better looking. Maybe they will leave us for them, because we see ourselves as imperfect and maybe we don't deserve the love of our partner.

Maybe we are just ugly, stupid, and dumb. And there it is really, how we judge others is really what we fear maybe true about ourselves.

We skip judging out mate, because it is too close to home and we are afraid we will drive them even further from us. But if you do not talk to them about their affair honestly, then you are doing yourself no favors either. Passing the blame off on the other woman or man is not wise, it deals with none of the core problems, it leaves the relationship wounded, and it does not help you start to heal. Also your partner was not an innocent victim and they must be honest, seek redemption, ask themselves and you to forgive them, but you need them to do it.

Do not try to do this for them. Do what is good for you. Do not hate the other man or woman, let those feelings go and confront the people that are in your life. The truth will not kill you, it will probably hurt a lot, but it will set you free mentally, spiritually, and physically.

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cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada

Agree and disagree. Yes the offending spouse has the obligation to the relationship and they made the choice to be one of the participants of an affair. The other man or woman made the choice to also be a participant in hurting an innocent person or people (if children are involved). I think woman have been jerked around by men for so long (not all women and not all men) that when another woman cuts in, we can't believe she is doing this to the "sisterhood". She is knowingly hurting one of her "sisters" to me, that makes her weak, dumb and ugly. In my case, I blamed her and I blamed him (divorced) and moved forward. They are both ugly on the inside. Seeking revenge or carrying hate serves no purpose, but it is necessary to feel what we need to feel to move forward, as long as it doesn't consume us. In the end, it's both their faults. Yes the spouse had the commitment to uphold but affairs wouldn't happen if TWO people didn't consent to them. I enjoyed the article but wanted to voice my experience and opinion. Great writing.


blake4d profile image

blake4d 4 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings Author

I appreciate your opinion, comments, and thanx for reading. I have seen what you are talking about before, I have also seen men cottle their cheating wife...acting like because she was a woman she was forced. I suppose women have liberation on their side these days, but that does not they should be blinded by allegiance to the sisterhood. It would not play out well in a lesbian relationship either. Thanx for sharing. Excellent points. Keep on Hubbing. Blake4d


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada

Very true, excellent points. My ex husband and many of my friends cheating partners immediately threw the other woman under the bus. She was crazy, she was blackmailing him, excuses, excuses, excuses... And yes men make excuses for their cheating wives too. It is easier to blame the other person and it actually sickened me more when my ex blamed the other woman. What a cop out. What they don't realize is most betrayed spouses not only need admission of guilt but also a realization of knowing why it happened, where the relationship needed work and what the cheater is going to do to aid in fixing it. If the cheater can't acknowledge why he did it, how will it be prevented in the future? I guess my stance is that the other party is just as guilty, but once revealed they are insignificant in the equation. The decision to stay or go has to be made and if one choose to stay, they need to have a serious look at their cheating spouse. I came to realize that the woman he cheated with could have been anyone, he was the one with the problem and if I didn't get rid of him, he would remain my problem. Didn't need any more problems, so got rid of the biggest one lol.


blake4d profile image

blake4d 4 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings Author

It is true that the third party is part of the original problem, but usually once the affair is discovered, their say or part in it is too. Being the other woman or man has no rewards, very often they believe the cheating person is going to leave their relationship. The other person has often spent years of their life waiting for this to happen, only to be let go as soon as the affair is brought to light. Then they have everything dumped on them, not that they bear no responsibility, but they often get more than their share of the hatred. In the end, it is the couple that must work out what caused and led to the cheating and other problems in their relationship. Thanx again CR. Keep on Hubbing. Blake4d


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

This is a great answer to the question I asked blake4d, very comprehensive and you have made some excellent points and observations. Very impressive :)


blake4d profile image

blake4d 4 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings Author

Thanx MH, I thought it was an equally valid question. Glad you approve and got to read it for yourself. Keep on Hubbing. Blake4d


Jessie 4 years ago

Disagree. For a one-off affair, the cheating spouse may be able to rebuild, they may have had a good relationship before and hit a hurdle. They may have dealt badly with that and ended up justifying cheating to themselves which is never right. They may have great remorse and actually do a lot to show that - change jobs, send a strong email telling the mistress they want nothing to do with her, give up all their passwords, stop traveling for work...

So what has the mistress done to ameliorate hatred? Nothing. Usually she is still being either self righteous or crowing that he's just staying for the kids or planting seeds of doubt in te wife's mind about whether it's still on or just addictively trying to contact him despite being told its over.

Why wouldn't you hate her? Why wouldn't sincere efforts on the part of a spouse make some dent in your hatred of him assuming you let him stay at all?

Both parties are at fault. One of them sought it more than the other and of that's the mistress then she's even worse. Being weak is awful. Being predatory is worse. Same goes for when the married man is chasing women, that's worse than her accepting.

But it isn't wrong or misplaced or unfair that a mistress is hated more han the husband, if the husband is doing the right thing now.


John King IV 4 years ago

Distortion: Welcome to the social world. Psychology of people only leads to distortions.

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