Why do women stay with abusive men?

 Before I begin this hub, I want to let it be known that I have been in verbally and mentally abusive relationships, but not the kind of relationship where I have been used as a punching bag.  However, I have friends that remain in these types of relationships and have met women throughout my life that have been the targets of their boyfriends or spouses and I have always wondered why they chose to stay?  In speaking with some of them recently and looking at my own decisions to stay with men that were abusive in one form or another, I am hoping that this hub will somehow encourage you, if you are a woman in this type of situation, to look at your life and begin to put yourself first.

It begins, I believe, with the modeling that we witness as we grow up.  It, being the preconceived thought pattern young girls allow to penetrate their identity, of what type of man they find attractive.  This is not something that is easily avoided.  If a young girl lives day in and day out with a father or male figure that is authoritative, demanding and unfair to the women in his life, then that young woman may seek out men with similar personalities in their mates as they reach sexual maturity.  Boys that witness their fathers or male figures verbally or physically lashing out against the women in their proximity may begin to feel that the mode of communication or allowed format of "being" with a woman constitutes an abusive type of demeanor from them.  Not to say that drugs and alcohol in some people cannot play a part in personality changes, but for the most part, we seek out people that provide a comfort level to us.  Unfortunately, the comforting feeling may stem from abusive attention.

People, women in general, don't enter into relationships hoping to be degraded, yelled at or physically abused.  Many times, the symptoms are present from the beginning.  It may present itself in the form of constant insults or the continuous questioning of their decisions from their partner.  A way to demean them or question their abilities. Then, it may slowly progress to pushing or shoving.  Lastly, and most seriously, hitting or punching, choking and kicking.

I knew quite a few battered women as a teen.  I was afraid of their husbands.  These men would walk into the room and snap their fingers and the woman would jump up, no life in her eyes and shoo me out the door.  I would walk down their  stairs and hear slaps and cries and often, I could hear furniture being toppled over.  I never told anyone.  I was afraid to.  The next day, I would visit my neighbor and see her sporting a new black eye and listen to her excuses as to why her boyfriend or husband got mad the night before.  I begged these women to leave these men.  They stated they couldn't.  Eventually, they moved away, to another neighborhood where the neighbors hadn't yet begun to alert the police about the screams of terror coming from their home.  The most shocking of endings during that time in my life was the loss of a 17 year old babysitter in the neighborhood.  She was always fighting with her boyfriend and coming to work with bruises around her neck and arms and bloody lips.  I told my parents about her and I'm sure out of fear, they told me to mind my own business.  One weekend, she told me she was going out of town to meet her boyfriend and she was going to tell him that she had had enough.  They found her body in a ditch the following Monday.  I ran outside and cried after my mom had broken the news.  I felt responsible for her death.  I knew she was going to meet this monster but I didn't know who he was or what his name was.  I felt helpless and petrified that I one day would meet up with someone like that myself.

In college, I had a friend that would get into fist fights with her boyfriend.  Then, afterward, they would make passionate love.  I couldn't understand that kind of foreplay.  They eventually ended it with each other; thank God, after they put each other in the hospital.  She threw a full sized antique mirror down the stairs on top of him, breaking his leg.  He grabbed her by the arm and twisted so hard that he popped her shoulder out of socket and broke her arm.  I still wonder today if both of them married abusers. 

As an adult, I have made friends with people from all walks of life.  Some of them are being abused as I write at this moment.  These women are smart, educated women.  They are athletic and work to support the family.  They wear clothing to hide their body marks.  Or, they tell their "war" stories of how they staved off the most recent attack as if they are bragging.  Some of these women are hollow shells, with sunken eyes and smile less faces.  They go through their daily routines of raising their children, catering to their husbands and pretending that others have it worse than they do so they shouldn't complain.

The fact is, NO ONE should be subjected to constant or intermittent battering.  Yes, we all yell, argue and possibly get into heated arguments with our loved ones.  The difference is simple.  Beyond a hurt feeling and some tears, no one truly gets hurt to the point where they are immobilized in their life.  Constant mental abuse knocks the self esteem right out of you.  Fear keeps a person from speaking out.  Fear of more abuse keeps them quiet.  Relationships should not have this as the building block or the foundation.  Home should be a place where one feels safe.  If you don't feel safe in your own home, or have never known the feeling of safety, then please call your local abuse hot line.

I have suported local abuse shelters for women and their children for years but giving clothing, toiletries, toys and food.  I cannot imagine how difficult it is for these families to leave all that they have and begin a new life; in hiding for some.  I left a mentally abusive relationship but I had the financial means to begin again.  I realize that many women fear what will happen to their children or anticipate more abuse if they attempt to leave.

The children however are forming images of what they believe a relationship should look like.  If your relationship is abusive, then that will be the comfort zone for your child unless they are lucky, as I was, to have other influences in their lives that can help steer them toward good choices in life.  I saw a lot of abuse.  I saw many adults throughout my life tell me that my business was to stay out of other's.  I have been told by my friends that they can't imagine giving what they have up to begin again.  I hope that someday, they can realize that they don't have anything if all they hang on to is the dream that he won't come home and beat her that night.  Abuse is death.  Even if you feel like you are alive...you are allowing someone to slowly kill you from the inside out.  It is a slow and painful death.  For the abused, the children and difficult for those who love you to watch you remain in a situation that could mean the end of your life one day. 

My wish for you, if you are in this type of situation is that you will empower yourself with faith in humanity and the kindnesses of your friends and family.  Seek out people that can help you realize your potential.  Read books.  Scour the Internet.  Erase your history if you fear that your abuser will discover your resolve to change yourself.  You have as much right to be happy as any of us.  He will not change.  He will always give you excuses.  Put your children and their future first if you cannot imagine yourself as being important enough at this moment.  Do something.  Pray to God.  Make a friend.  Think of a time in your life when you felt confident in yourself and slowly work yourself toward that moment again.  Build up your bravery and know that it is NOT your fault.  Live without fear.  LIVE.

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Comments 39 comments

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 7 years ago from London, UK

encouraging Hub.


celistina profile image

celistina 7 years ago

Hey, thanks for this hub. I just subscribed to your fan club. I haven't been in any serious relationships before, and luckily I don't know of any friends who have been in abusive relationships. I have friends who have been/are in relationships where their partner mistreats them though. In my opinion, they choose to stay in the relationships because they don't love themselves enough - such that they let themselves be treated this way. When they do pick themselves up and develop self love, that's when they realize they are far beyond such treatment and they deserve someone better.


gypsy1968 7 years ago

I would like to share a part of my life with any woman who is being hurt ay this moment. i have been in abusive relationships for the last fifthteen years. Ihave been choked.slapped,made fun of, and not even allowed one room for so long that i had to pee in the floor,while he stood there an watched. he took all my money, made me steal for his drug habit and tortured me at times. I have a great dad who would have came and taken me out of that mess but i was to afraid to get him involved. my abuser is now in prison until next week and how can i find the courage to stay away.....


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

Gypsy,

If you recognize that this has been a constant issue in your life, then you need to employ the help of your father who needs to get involved as you are not emotionally capable of doing so yourself. You need counseling and perhaps other therapies to get you to realize that much of your life has been lived with a man who is abusive. I am assuming he is in jail for drugs? Get help from your father and get away. Call a domestic abuse hotline and they can hook you up with help. You are at step one. Let others help you with the next step and good luck.


anna 7 years ago

this started just a year ago...i met a guy,i like him from begining cose he was charming.once he insult me from bith,after a while he apogogises me,promisse that he ll never call me bad again,that he want change and as i knew his past actualy no father at all,mother left him as well while he was still yung,poor,not chance for aducation himself...i wanted help him..afterwords he called me worse and worse and blame me why i come back to him.now i don't want to see him and hear about him but i need time to recover after verbal abuse like'no future with you'bith,whore,slut,saying that i am problem in everyones life,waste and many things what i cant even remember.i just ask myself,why?what i did wrong to him?could anybody help me to understand this?


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

Anna,

Without knowing you and your situation, from what I am reading from you, you are blaming yourself for getting into a relationship with a man that was screwed up when you met him. Why are you drawn to him? Do you need help yourself? Why do you want to stay with someone and "help" them when they don't want you to? You need to move on and contact a counselor for yourself before getting into another relationship. Relationships should be equal and make you feel good. They should be a partnership. Wanting to be with someone that makes you doubt your existence is not the answer. Please seek out some help.


anna 7 years ago

thank you.i help myself already,i think so..i don't have contact with him and i am stronger.i moved on,start study and try to not think about it but just sometimes i ask myself why,why this happened to me


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

Anna,

We all wonder why we do the things we do sometimes. Our search for love from others can be a reason why. Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and moving on.


anna 7 years ago

thank you


broken1 6 years ago

Really liked this! I have just left my abusive ex 2days ago after 2years, the last words he said to me was to kill myself after a night of being verbally abused for no reason(like always) and kept in his house against my will. I cant help but keep thinking about him yelling those words to me"to kill myself". After years of pain and not having anything its so hard to think "things can get better" I have been telling myself for the last 6years things will get better...but they don't.

I actually didn't care sometimes if he did kill me,i thought it was better than hurting him if i defended myself and at least this pain would end. I hope i find inner peace and some self esteem,i don't want to end up in another abusive relationship,as it will most likely be my last. :(

Our only hope for those who have been abused and cannot get themselves up and build their self esteem is that karma will get them......


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dear Broken,

I congratulate you on your bravery in making the first step for yourself. Please see a counselor, focus on your faith, intertwine yourself with people you can trust. Six years in a life like that is an eternity. I admire you and applaud you for having the courage it took to put yourself first. Don't look or turn back. Get police protection. Let me know how you are doing. Hugs


Becky  5 years ago

I have been in an abusive relationship. It was mental, emotional and VERY physical. The reason I stayed for 3 years is that I was scared that if I left he would kill me and he also said if I ever left he would hurt my family. But I finaly left and got help and now I am with a great guy that treats me wonderful.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

so glad for you Becky and all of you that have made the journey to put yourselves in front


blesdagin 5 years ago

I was abused as a school age girl and stayed with the same boy who use to slap and kick me around. I had brused where my parents could not see, but I loved him and stayed with him. It seemed that since my dad was never there he replace the love I hungered for. I was afraid to break up with him in fear that he might kill me. 35 years later we meet up again and I was thrilled because I thought he had changed. Two weeks later I learned that he was even more abusive after being in the Marines for 25 years. I am strong now so I just walked away, even after 35 years it is still difficult to walk away. I am so happy we live in different states.


lawyergirl 5 years ago

Hello. This is an excellently-written piece. Thanks for posting this. First, I would like to stress, although a lot of people get irritated at the woman for staying with an abuser or going back, the abuse is ENTIRELY the abuser’s fault, not the woman’s. Let’s all agree on one thing - nobody is perfect, and everybody – everybody – has something about them that they can improve. However, even though you might make mistakes here and there like anybody, everybody’s choices are their own, and if the man “loses control” and blames his violence/abuse on the woman, recognize that this is BS and a part of his manipulation, denial, and insanity. Regardless of what you did, it’s still HIS CHOICE to abuse you, hit you, insult you, whatever. Don’t believe anything else. I cannot stress this enough.

To answer the hub, I would just like to say that there are many different styles that abusers take when they abuse. Similarly, there are many different reasons/shades of why women who are with these abusers stay or go back after trying to leave.

I think there are a huge variety of emotional abuse – everything ranging from the abuser that makes fun of you in public and then says it’s no big deal, to the abuser who actually calls you horrible, obscene names, and everything in between/mixtures. Of course there are the abusers who hit you – this is relatively easy to recognize and condemn. Emotional abuse is sometimes really, really difficult to recognize and sometimes it’s very gradual; as a consequence, you are deeply mired in his control and mind games before you realize that he’s emotionally abusive and not just “sensitive” or “conflicted” or whatever else BS he’s trying to put on as a label to the abuse.

For example, many articles on abusive relationships say that one of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship is when your significant other “always has to be right” and “never accepts responsibility.” While I definitely agree that this is a big warning sign of an abusive relationship, I also think that other abusers can lie. These lying abusers can be MUCH more manipulative and subtle, and hence dangerous. I think someone can seem to “accept responsibility” or “admit that he’s wrong,” but then come back and break all his promises. In fact, another sign of an abuser is often listed as “Breaks promises all the time.” I would argue that this type of abuser is much more dangerous, because he’s a skilled liar and manipulator, and his form of control over you is insidious and really freaking hard to spot, even if you are cautious. Because his game is to tell you exactly what he thinks you want to hear, so he can keep you around and break you down.

For example, the person who abused me was the absolute master of apologies. He knew exactly what to say to me to get me to forgive him and how to say it. He could cry and beg and carry on for hours, always after he did something abusive. He would come up with these sob stories about how he doesn’t understand himself, how he was disadvantaged growing up. He would promise with tears in his eyes that he would never ever hurt me, how he would never do X, or Y, ever again. But he was also the master at breaking promises – he broke every single promise and got progressively more controlling, more manipulative.

So, here is one reason I didn’t leave right away – the abuser lied to me, cried, groveled, promised specific things, and manipulated me by having me feel sorry for him.

I was in one of the very best grad school programs for my area of specialty when I dated this person. At least as far as books and academics are concerned, I think I’m pretty gosh-darned smart. I know a lot of abused women kick themselves after they get out, thinking, “Why the heck did I put up with his crap? What’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid?” But really, there is nothing wrong with trusting people and believing what they say to you – seeing the best in people. It is the abuser’s fault that they lied and twisted and jerked you around, not yours for believing him. Don’t let the betrayals of the abuser lead you to stop trusting people in general – but, you need to stop trusting HIM. These lying abusers are the devil. No matter what he says to you, at some point you will say, enough is enough. Once he’s broken those promises once, twice, three times, that he’s made to you, don’t buy into his B.S. anymore. And I have faith in us women – while a lot of abused women take flak from outsiders for not leaving soon enough, we DO eventually leave. It just takes us varying amounts of time, because it is sometimes harder for some of us than others.

For example, I was lucky because I always had my own apartment throughout the relationship with the abuser. But here’s where the abuser trapped me:

I always loved cats, but my apartment wouldn’t allow them. The abuser I dated hated cats. But he knew I loved them, so he suggested we adopt cats together and painted it as him being loving to me – they would live at his apartment. I was ecstatic! Trust me, I thought at the time it was reallllly sweet of him. Wrong. Adopting the cats were a way to keep me from leaving him, because I couldn’t take them with me and I could never give them up after I grew to love them. Once we had the cats, it was that much harder to leave. He ramped up the abuse over the next several months. Finally, I moved out, and I had to figure out how to take care of the cats I couldn’t bring them to my apartment. I was lucky – I gave the cats to a friend to keep temporarily. I had to get my best friend to come with me so he would “let” me leave. Then two days later, he threatened to take me to file a police report and take me to court over “larceny” of “his” cats, unless I got back together with him. Crazy, right? But it makes total sense in his head – he didn’t want the cat; he still didn’t like cats. He just wanted me to worry, to give in to his control, he wanted me to SUFFER. Finally, at this late stage, I refused to buy into this threat and ignored him. He threatened me in numerous different ways, but eventually he went away, thank God. But I can see how, if instead of cats I had children with him, he could have made my life a living NIGHTMARE – not only would I be legally obligated to maintain contact with him, but he would have lied to the courts and lied to the cops and vilified me just to have “revenge” on me for daring to leave him and daring to challenge his abuse. I can also see how, if I didn’t have my own separate apartment and instead co-owned a house with him or depended on him financially, how very, very difficult it would be to escape from his control – the control that I didn’t notice for months.

These are just tiny, tiny examples of how he was abusive, and why I didn’t leave right away.

Anyway, kudos again to the original poster, and ladies – take heart. There are people who will help you and understand what you are going through. Do what is best for yourself, trust your instincts, and know that you deserve nothing but the best.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Blesdagin and lawyer girl; great information for women out there. And confoundit, it IS difficult to put ourselves first. I have a double masters degree but my sense of self is non-existent at times. I seem to be a magnet for men that are so needy. I fight this urge all the time and I know all of us who have been in similar situations do on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we aren't intelligent, confident in certain areas of our lives or incapable of controlling our life; it means that we suffer from the "nice" disease that has taught us that others' needs should always come before our own. Im still nice and giving to others. However, as I have aged, I steer clear from those that provide stress to me in any way. Perhaps one day, I and perhaps those of you reading this hub and feeling what I am describing will be able to say NO and mean it without feeling as if we are disappointing someone. Stay strong and believe in yourself. Hugs to all.


lostnconfused 5 years ago

i am a male survivor of childhood abuse (of every form).

currently i have a good friend who has told me she was abused mentaly and emotionaly, i supported her, encouraged her, told her she was worth so much to the world. she left this abusive man and started to make it on her own, i was soo proud of her for this!! yet earlier this year she went back to him. the " he has changed" was the reason. now i have her other friends saying the abuse was BS. i know how well abusers can hide what they do from others. i'm trying to be the best friend to her. but i am now asking why am i the only one she confided in? do i believe these other people? or continue to be that supportive friend she needs? she has the potential to be so much! i fear for her, when will the "change" go back to before? will she start getting hurt again? WHAT DO I DO as a friend?


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

lost and confused...if you are a survivor, then you well know the signs and symptoms. Was she sincere? Honest? You can only tell. People keep going back because they don't believe they are worth having better. Has she gone through therapy? Who are these people saying she was faking? Unfortunately, all you can do is give her advice; she will do what she wants to do until she gets tired of it and makes the break for good. We cannot control other people...only help with listening and guiding with suggestions. If it gets to the point however where you are consumed with her...step back. You need to take a break and get some perspective. I had to do that many times and unfortunately, had to admit that I could not help someone that didn't want to be helped. It sounds like you love her. Does she know? Good luck. I feel your pain


axl 5 years ago

I met this woman last year, 29, my age, banker chick who I really liked. Walked right up to her and got her number. We started chatting for a few days, and then all of a sudden, she opened up to about her life. I was well aware she was a divorce e, but what hit me was the fact that she divorced from an arranged marriage in 22 days. Says they just couldn't love each other. In a few days of knowing her, she just let it all out and the real bomb fell when she said her father started drinking and died shortly after because he felt he had ruined her life. She was single, mourning for a long time until she met this guy about 8 months back whose totally bad. He gave all in a previous relationship, only to get dumped and now he manipulates and holds her for ransom. He doesn't call her for days on end, keeps her hanging at times and what not but surely he controls her and she loves it. She's cried bitterly on weekends, cursed herself, life and what have you but at the end of the day, she loves him but admits to me " I know he doesn't love me, but at least he's frank and honest, he's himself and never lies, and that's why I love him". I've been in many relationships, intense ones, love and sexual, I've been bad in my younger years and it cost me dearly. Now at 29, I've come to realize that women are a lot more than we know them to be. Nice is bad & bad is nice. Simple. What I don't get is the when she says she knows he doesn't love her but she's ready to marry him, and this woman has rejected a lot of good guys, seriously. She kind of regrets it, yet she's a real conservative cat. I just dropped contact with her after some slight irritation coz' in all honesty, I did try to have her, although I am now completely convinced that she's never known a loving, healthy relationship.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Axl, unfortunately the only person you have control over is yourself. I have found this as well in my own relationships. Some people need to take a journey on their own before they realize what they need or should have. Good luck.


jantamaya profile image

jantamaya 5 years ago from UK

Great and very helpful hub. I don't want to speak about my life now, but I will do it one day...


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

And you will be stronger for it Jan...good luck to you


Suzy 5 years ago

I'm probably much older than any of you because my abuse came from a father who was in WWll. The war damaged him just like a lot of these men had damage to their personalites one way or another. I suffered his rages in public which made me have low self esteem and social anxiety issues. However, all of the men I felt attracted to were either weird or abusive and I'm now with someone who has rage issues (he actually has temper tantrums) and is verbally abusive and controlling and I've been with him for 15 years. I gave up a marriage to a "nice" guy 20 years ago because it creeped me out that he was so nice. How pathetic is that. I'm not physically hurt in any way but why do I accept critism? I had a government job for 25 years and have contributed financially to this relationship more than he has because I had property and more money than he did. Don't know what his problem is but what is mine. I'm 57 years old and so I hope all the girls out there will figure it out before that!!!


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Suzy, my father was in WWII as well and he had terrible rage and did physically hurt me. I am 50 so you are not that much older than me. It sounds like you have figured things out for yourself...what are you waiting for? Life begins when we want it to. I wish you luck and God Speed.


gorgeousME89 4 years ago

Me & my partner were 2gether for a few months then I ended up prego we soon moved in 2gther that's when the abuse started and yes he promise never 2 do it again but it was a lie we would argue frequently and he would start hitting me pushing me & insulting me until 1 year ago I decided 2 leave him and it wasn't easy. But I was sick & tired of him not working he's complain of not working was he's back problems and yes he also cheated. And he promises not do it again but I know he's lying even if he's in tears its just all the things I put up with him makes me not want anything with him eventhough I know we have a 2 yr old. But leaving him was the best thing I DID. And sumtimes it hurts because I never wanted my son 2 grow up without a dad. But I stay strong. GOD IS WITH ME!!!!!!


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

that is wonderful; I wish you luck in your future


Anonymous 4 years ago

Thank you for this post. It gave me the confidence to realize I deserve better.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

I wish you luck anonymous


cls67 profile image

cls67 4 years ago

I am a survivor of an abusive relationship by an alcoholic, most of the abuse was verbal and emotional. However, I took my share of physical abuse in the beginning until I fought back, that made him stop the physical part. I do not feel so alone when I read other hubs such as yours, so thank you very much! I look forward to reading more.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

so proud of you cls....hope you find what you are looking for in life...you are NOT alone.


cls67 profile image

cls67 4 years ago

Thank u:)


kay 4 years ago

Am 18 and i've had a bby 8months ago. I met my partner when i was 14and he was 23 (Big age gap,i know) i had been abused (sexually) as a child so i ran away and that's when i met him. Ever since i've found it hard to leave him and he makes it sound like i should be gratefull and that am not worth nothing and if it weren't for him i would still be running away. But i was a child who didn't want to go back home to the abuse.

Till this day, he disgrades me whenever we argue. Calls me names and disrespects even my mother. And threatens to do something to my family if he can't find me (he knows where my family lives) so its been hard to leave him. Its not just gathering the courage to leave him, its also the fear that he'll go to my mothers house and start trouble, just because he cnt find me. After 4-5 yrs, its difficult to leave but i feel dead inside and my daughter is young and i dnt want her to be around him. He's always said he will change but he hasn't. He's had a bad temper and its only better when he's had his drugs (cannabis)


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Kay, I'm so sorry. It is the first step to admit that there is a problem. Have you shared with your mother that he is threatening them? If so, what has she said? It is wise of you to try to leave but it doesn't sound as if you can do so without help. Have you sought out a counselor through community services at all? Sometimes, they have programs that help young moms and their children "escape" situations that are abusive. You are right in worrying about your daughter. If he is smoking pot around her, that is a big concern as well. Who knows if he will eventually turn on her? I guess I would suggest going to the local community service organization in your community and gather your options. I would also talk to your family about what a plan could be. Good luck with it all.


kay 4 years ago

I have told my mum but she's heard me telling her many times, the most shocking thing he had said i'll poor petrol on your mother and brother but didn't mention my 6stepbrothers/sisters because he knows am closer to my mum and brother. She doesn't take it serious and she's said to leave no matter what he says because he aint the one for me and especially verbally abusing me while i was pregnant she really disagreed with because she even witnessed the way we would argue and how he would keep calling me names and he made me cry. He could've given me some peace while i was pregnant. Well am getting into it now. Right now i dnt live with him because am being assesed as a parent by social services so i've been put with a foster carer who monitors my care for my ddaughter.and they biggest concern to why they want to asses me is because of him and the sexuall abuse by my step-father. I've so far done 2months of counselling but social services advised me to get some which will be for longer and also consider cognitive behaviour therapy. So i'm going along with that, since my solicitor advised me to co-operate with them in order to keep my daughter. My mother hasn't been close to family and i feel its because of her husband (the abuser). He's always distancing her from family. So i dnt have no one to help me. Social services are the ones who provided a place and what to eat since i've been 14 and went into care but that has also come with them having the advantage of being involved and know everthing about my life. Its a LOT that's going on right now. And not many can do much and this is my first time is a mother and am not perfect so their using these things against me in their reports which they can take to court if they want to. :'(


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Kay, it sounds like you need to follow their guidelines and confide in them that you want safety for yourself and your daughter. Tell them what he said about threatening your family as well. They are already involved with you. They sound like they will call the shots. I wish you luck.


kay 4 years ago

Thank you and i appreciate your advice


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

good luck to you Kay; I will be praying for a positive outcome for you and your daughter


Sarah 4 years ago

my mother thinks I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I'm starting to think it's very possible. There are plenty of times when he makes me feel amazing, but then other times he makes me feel awful. I feel like I'm putting in diamonds, and getting back rocks. It's hard to tell what he's feeling, because he never really opens up. I tried to break up with him last night, but he started crying and it just made me feel really guilty. I don't want to hurt him like that because I do still have feelings for him. I really don't know what to do.


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ljrc1961 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Sarah, Do you think you are in an abusive relationship? Only you can answer that. In most relationships, there are some arguments and tifts. If he calls you horrid names, tries to manipulate you and control you and belittles you in front of others, then I would say yes. If you are experiencing "feeling awful" because of minor arguments and because you are finding out he is not the person you thought he was, then perhaps no. Either way, you are doubting your relationship which means that there is something that isn't right. You can't stay with someone out of guilt. It is possible to be in love quite a few times in your life. It is always difficult to say goodbye to someone that we love but if the love we feel is out of commitment only, then it may be time to move along. Only you can decide this. Good luck.

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