Relationship problems - Relationships break ups

Relationship advice

Relationships are as complex as people are and why relationships break up is as complex as people can get. This is one area of work I have been greatly involved in - Marriage counseling, though mainly for the Church going population. People are people and they are the same everywhere. Just a few cultural differences may come into play, but core issues remain the same. Before getting to the meat of the matter I would like to state that when two individuals from the same background cannot see eye to eye on certain issues it is not a great thing that two people differ in their way of thinking when they are from entirely different backgrounds and cultures. Break ups need not be the norm but could become a bridge to a stronger and better future if both parties are willing to work through it.

Relationship problems - relationship break up


Relationships break up due to reasons such as poor communication, lack of understanding, high expectations etc...I could go on with it..but I have covered all these in the other articles on relationships. In this article I would like to look at break ups from a different angle.
I am constantly reading free advice on what a woman should do to keep her man, not so much what a man should do to keep his woman or what a woman wants in a relationship. This is our problem, we have always wanted women to do everything to make a relationship work and not the other way around. It is true that this gender biased society expects women to do the impossible when the man is not willing to do his part in the relationship. Do we need a paradigm change here?...Although this may not apply to all men, but I get a feeling from the exchanges on the Internet forums and from my observations that this is the way most people think. It takes two to make any relationship work. It takes honestly, openness and willingness to admit to faults to get the relationship on track again. But it takes something more than just honesty and openness, we need to change our view that women are responsible to make a relationship or a marriage to work, give in all the time, make compromises and avoid breakups in relationships.

Free relationship advice and why it wont work

If you don’t want your relationship to break don’t ask the questions - another advice that makes me wonder if we have any balanced views at all. Men do not like to be asked questions, especially ones that delve deep into their emotions. They feel uncomfortable, so hang on until he decides to tell you how he feels, say some experts on the forums. Boy are we chauvinistic! Any relationship in which communication is only at the whim and fancy of either partner is bound to fail. The liberty to ask questions and receive answers that are honest is what makes a relationship click. This is a sign of the trust and confidence the two people involved have in each other, trust being the building block of relationships. Just communicating won’t do, being able to communicate emotions and feeling is what helps the other person understand you better. Asking the question need to done in such a manner that it does not make your partner wonder if you are suspicious of his/her motives. But perceptions do come in the way.. it would be wise to use your understanding of the situation and judiciously ask the questions. Pussy footing around issues may not help at all. It is better to discuss and agree to disagree rather than speak without direction and get no where at all, or worse still hang on forever without any idea.

Rationally speaking if asking questions disturbs a person it is time to go inwards and deal with that issue instead of running away from it. Running away is an easy option and could become a habit. Unless you face a situation you would constantly be trying to escape from similar situations making the relationship the scape goat for your inability to face your fears.

Commandment number three. Never put the person in a place where s/he has to commit. Well I know that I never mentioned the first two commandments to make this the third but that is the point. None of these commandments exist. They are just made up to please men mostly. If a partner is not interested in commitment, then something is wrong there... there has been a gap in communication of expectation and perceptions. Most people in a relationship are looking for a commitment from the other person, if you are not ready to commit don’t play with it as yet. It would not be fair to raise the expectations of the other if you are not prepared for it. But if both partners are clear that they want to have fun then this may work. This could be more of a toying around with an idea of relationship and not really getting into a relationship in the real sense of the word. Commitment issues can never be the reason why relationships break ups.. if they were there was no relationship at all worth mentioning in the first place.

Dealing with emotions in relationship problems

Jealousy or possessiveness on the part of either partners could cause a relationship to break up. This points to a feeling of insecurity on the part of the person plagued by such emotions. Being secure and comfortable with the other is what relationships are built on. Being able to establish a healthy relationship, at a natural pace and making an effort to understand the expectations and motives of the other would ensure that such feelings remain within the acceptable realms. I would not go to say that one should not be possessive or jealous. Most close relationships have a component of jealousy and possessiveness, this makes for a close relationship in someways but when it gets to the level of paranoia then it might become a huge strain on on the relationship. No emotion is bad until it gets out of hand or gets inappropriate and that goes for happiness too! Emotions that are out of control are major reasons why relationships break up.

Fears are such a major relationship breakers. Some people have everything going for them but fears from the past, especially painful break up in the past cause them to be unsettled and unable to handle any relationships. Any fears, hurts from the past that has not been effectively dealt with keeps coming up in the form of excuses as to why the relationship won’t work. The fear that this would end the same way keeps haunting these individuals, the fear of being hurt again makes them run away even form a relationship that is working well. Just as addictive and dependant relationship makes people cling to one another, fear makes people run away from relationships that have potential but to the individual seem unattainable because of past experiences. The fear that they would be bound or they cannot satisfy their partner could also be a nagging fear at the back of their mind rising from a basic sense of inadequacy.


Controlling behaviour is a huge reason why relationships break up. Often it is the people who feel insecure who have the need to control. Love does not work on demands, it works on the principle of give and take. If I only want to take but do not contribute emotionally/psychologically in a relationship it is bound to fail. Humans being emotional and social beings these needs have to be met first for the relationship to work. Quiet often men may feel that if they provide financially and take some responsibilities around the home and that should be enough, but this is really secondary to meeting the social and emotional needs of your partner.

Playing games in relationship is another serious offender. Wanting to get even, or getting sucked into playing the role of a victim or seeking justice or even whining and crying unfair all the time takes the relationship nowhere. Refuse to get sucked into games, respond and don’t react are some stands you could take. Reacting emotionally when you are not in control of your own feeling could do more harm than good to any relationship. Responding would means asking question like - what makes you think so or something to that effect could make the other person think and reflect on his or her behaviour.

Fix your relationship problems

What ever it is that you are going through emotionally you would do well to be able to discuss it with your partner. Most often partners look for ways to help, dealing with emotions could be easy with some understanding from your partner. When you are willing to communicate and discuss your problems you show that you trust the other person and their intentions. You also let them know that this relationship matters to you, though you have internal issues to deal with. This gives both partners the reason to find a common ground and balance while working through their problems.

I may not have addressed the question why relationships break up in its entirety here.. but the purpose of writing this was not to do that, this hub was meant to take a look at the question from a slightly different angle. I do hope this has been beneficial to you in understanding the issue in someways at least.

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11 comments

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Very interesting Hub!

I think we as a society have spent far more time on trying to find solutions or ways to keep couples together than we have on teaching people how to (select the right mate for themselves) in the first place.

So much of counseling is really about teaching people how to (make due) with a decision they made. How to fit square pegs into round holes or change water into wine...etc

It ignores the very possibility that a person may have chosen the "wrong mate". Just because it may be possible to teach a fox not to eat a hen does not mean they were meant to be a couple. Going along to get along rarely leads to happiness.

There are numerous reasons why we enter into relationships and marriages that aren’t right for us.

One of the key reasons is because we never sat down to do the serious introspective thinking required to determine what we truly want and need in mate. Another issue is we often don’t stick to our “shopping list” when we do choose a mate.

Maybe the solution is to require all couples to go through detailed “pre-marital” counseling to uncover any hidden problems prior to getting married. :-)


always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

Hello Sophie, May i say that it is about time to set the record straight..The word, 'Chauvinistic' is a good start. It takes two to tango. Women are now working full time as well as the husband, yet they are mostly the caregivers of the children and home. Seems to me, if a husband and wife will sit down, discuss what is needed to make a marriage complete, each share in the responsibilities, would go a long way in fixing any problems that exist. I am no expert, but i have been there and done that. Thank you for a great hub and a great place to voice my opnion..Cheers my friend..


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago Author

Dashingscorpio, I couldn't agree with you more on this subject... My hub on 15 great tips to a happy marriage focuses on this point heavily. We prepare our kids for school, children for a career, or for an interview.. but we are never sufficiently prepared for life. I love the passion and the ardor with which you state the facts. I wish more people read your comment. Thanks for adding value to this hub. I appreciate this greatly. Have a wonderful day. God Bless.


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago Author

Ruby, Glad that you do appreciate my take on the subject.. it does take two to tango.. Lol:) I have seen some advice being thrown around on the forums which were so chauvinistic that made me want to write this hub.. You are spot on with your observation and I am glad you took the time to say it. Thank you dear friend. Have a lovely day. God Bless!


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 4 years ago from malang-indonesia

Very inspiring hub. I learn many things from you about relationship and your advice is useful for me. Thank you very much. Good job and rated up!

Prasetio


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago Author

Prasetio, we learn many things from life everyday. Relationships and so important and it is not hard to avoid break ups if one really cares. I appreciate your comment and votes. Have a wonderful day! God Bless!


William Gerace profile image

William Gerace 4 years ago from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Sofs I have to say I can see a lot of me in some of that in my relationship. Now I don't want to upset anyone but I'm gay in a relationship with someone I care about it and though some people might approve we do care about each other. Also I get paranoid and insecure at times and so does he and the communication thing is something we really need to work on. We both go to therapy and it is something the therapist has mentioned in the past to be open and communicate. Anyways I said a mouthful probably more than I should of but I really loved this Hub. I'm voting it up as well too. God Bless.


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago Author

William, Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Jealousy and paranoid behavior is only an indicator of your level of insecurity with each other. It takes the ability to communicate openly, honestly and trust the other person to be able to become more secure in each other's company. This goes for any relationship. Thanks for sharing and endorsing my views. I appreciate that. Have a great day!


William Gerace profile image

William Gerace 4 years ago from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I couldn't agree more Sofs.


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago Author

Thanks William, you have a wonderful day!


btrbell profile image

btrbell 4 years ago from Mesa, AZ

Great hub! So much information!

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