Will a Man's Honest Confessions Harm The Relationship With His Wife or Girlfriend?
Pro's and con's of a man confessing "racy" secrets to his wife or girlfriend
Are honest confessions really good for the soul?
Of all the things that God created, perhaps mankind is probably the strangest, most- misunderstood, and secretive creatures that He made.
Emphasis on the secretive part. Males just love keeping secrets. We hide things from our most-intimate women friends and wives, and even our flesh and blood families. Why? To keep people from getting over the walls that we have built from secrecy. I do not know, but it sounded good.
Isolating that one part of our DNA code, the secretive part, I have uncovered a startling fact that will knock you on your ear.
So I am forewarning you now.
If you are a woman, you automatically-think that guys “only” dwell on naked women, naked women pole dancers, hotwings and cold beer served by semi-naked waitresses.
You should be this lucky, ladies. These things I have mentioned are the normal things that a normal male fantasizes about at various times each day. Year ‘round.
We all think that how and what men think about is the way that life is supposed to be, so once again, when you absorb the “Will Confessing Weird Things Hurt a Man’s Relationship With Their Girlfriends and Wives?” you will rethink how a man’s man is really structured.
On a warm June night, a perfect night. One of “those” nights when everything is right, the planets are aligned and life is good.
We have “Gary,” and “Lenette,” two young newlyweds of three years are sitting quietly outside their double-wide mobile home somewhere in a rural trailer park in Little Rock, Arkansas just enjoying a quiet night alone—occasionally glancing into each other’s eyes.
With “Gary’s” fast-paced job as an E-Z Lube branch manager, he never gets that much “us” time with pretty wife, “Lenette.” And he is sad that this is how their lives are at the present time.
“Lenette,” being the total-romantic, thinks that tonight is “the” night for hot romance, crazed, animal-like passion, and sweet whispers of lust spoken in her dainty ears by hubby, “Gary,” who could pass for a hot-blooded male Latin-lover when they were dating. “Lenette,” smiles to herself when she thinks back to how “Gary,” wanted her to call him “Junior Rogriquez,” heir to “ El Gomez Rodriguez,” the Cuban sugar baron who ruled most of Cuba in the mid-1950’s.
Sweet “Lenette,” is about to find out the true definition of “being wrong.” “Gary,” has some secrets on his mind that he has meant to confess to “Lenette,” but until tonight, never had the courage to go through with it.
Maybe it is the six-pack of cold beer talking. Maybe “Gary’s” conscience has been working overtime. “Gary” doesn’t really know. (Gary, sadly, doesn’t know a lot of things due to being hit on the head as a senior in Eastman High School in Little Rock when the school janitor accidentally ran over him with an electric floor waxer—causing him not grasp everything in and around him.)
All that “Gary” knows that he needs to confess these rather “racy” fantasies to “Lenette,” so his conscience will be clear once again. And he can return to sleeping like a rock at home or at work on his lunch hour.
“Lenette, honey,” “Gary” says taking a long swig of cold beer .
“Yes, hunny,” “Lenette,” says with eyes twinkling with an expectance of romance in her voice.
“I have, uhhh, some things to tell you. And I am doing this so there will not be any secrets between us, so would you allow me to say what I need to say?” “Gary asks looking as close to Alan Alda as possible.
“Huunnnyyyy doll. Sure I will listen to you. You are my hot Latin lover, Junior Rodriguez,” “Lenette says as she draws closer to “Gary” in order to hear every word. And for him to get a good whiff of the sexy perfume, “All of Me,” she bought today at their Dollar General for just $2.55.
“Okay, ‘Nettie,’ here goes,” “Gary” says. Then pops another cold beer.
“Hold it a minute. I need to count down from three, so here goes . . .” “Gary says stone-faced.
“Ready? 1---2---3,” Gary says looking square into “Lenette’s” awaiting eyes.
“I lust after pole dancers. No, not female, but male pole dancers.” Gary states, eyes glazing.
“Lenette,” is shocked and thinks that “Gary” is pranking her like he did when they were dating.
“I love to wash myself with Hellman’s mayonnaise,” “Gary” continues.
“Car washes turn me on.”
“Lenette,” believes that this is not “Gary,” the man she married, but his twin brother he never told her about. She is visibly-shaken coupled with sexual-tension and gets up from her pink lawn chair, puts a hand on her left hip and pats the ground with her right foot—something that used to make “Gary,” a regular “sexual beast” that had been let out of his cage.
“I have always wished I had been an ape instead of a man.”
“I think Frank Gifford is sexier than his frumpy wife, Kathie Lee.”
As “Gary” confesses, his eyes are glazed again and rolling around in their sockets similar to the marble in a roulette wheel.
“Lenette,” now thinks that “Gary” is having a complete melt-down. The woman in her is scared.
Oh, if “Leon,” the plumber for the trailer park were here like he was several times a month ago when “Lenette,” needed a male to talk to. Then she quickly dismisses those steamy thoughts.
“Lenette, I love to hunt in the fall, well, that is not quite true. I love for my hunting buddies to hunt me in my deer suit that I bought from a men’s hunting specialty store last year.”
“Sometimes,” “Gary continues. “I run like a wild buck. Watch!” he says as he darts across the service road in front of their trailer and back again.
Oh, Lord, what an idiot, “Lenette,” whispers as “Gary” jumps over the garbage cans sitting near the service road.
“See, ‘Lenette?’” “Gary” bellows. “I can jump just like a buck being hunted.”
“And when we are camping, my buddies and I love to act-out that scene from Deliverance when Ned Beatty is forced to squeal like a hog by those burly hillbillies.”
“Gary” stands and starts to shiver like a man who is freezing.
“What’s wrong?” “Lenette,” asks out of her obligatory vows she took at their wedding.
“I just get chills all over myself when I think of that scene,” “Gary” says just like a school girl so excited that a boy has just winked at her.
“Gary” stands and squeals pig noises as loud as his lungs will let him. Lights in the neighbors’ homes start coming on and “Mr. Todd Junkin,” the token senior citizen yells, “Get that sorry hog outta there or I’m gonna shoot!”
“Mr. Junkin,” “Gary” yells. “We do not have a hog over here.”
“I was talking to you, idiot,” snaps “Mr. Junkin.”
“Gary” continues, “I love to stand on the hood of my car and act like those symbols on those old Mercury’s that sold in the ‘50’s” “Lenette,” am I nuts?”
Before she can answer, “Gary” starts squealing like a pig again while beating his chest and sits down at her feet placing his head on her knees.
“Lenette,” is now sweating from every orifice in her body and wondering if this marriage can be saved. She is terrified that her husband is not who he said he was that night he proposed to her in the parking lot of the “Grocery Galaxy and All-Night Burger Barn,” just outside of West Memphis, Arkansas.
“Gary” takes another long swig of beer. But is not drunk.
“Lenette, I wish I had been born a Lennon Sister.”
“I love men’s prison movies.” “Those movies about hot women in prison make me sick.”
“I have practiced doing wild donkey sounds for when we make love.”
“Lenette. Hey, ‘Lenette,’ do you still love me?” “Gary” asks with hope in his voice.
(A few months later).
Reports say that with six months or so of solid professional therapy, “Lenette,” will be “fit as a fiddle.”
“Gary’s” only comment about that night he confessed his very heart and soul to “Lenette,” was,
“I wish now that I had kept my fool mouth shut,” as he steps inside his beaten-up RV parked behind the double-wide trailer that was once his home with “Lenette.”
Special note to movie-goers: If this story is made into a movie for Lifetime Movie Channel, the following celebrities are being considered for roles.
Don Stroud (if he is still alive) for the part of “Gary.”
Randy Quaid (if he is out of jail) also for “Gary’s” part.
Holly Hunter, Nichole Sullivan and Anna Farris are being considered for “Lenette.”
John Goodman and Morgan Freeman are going to read for the part of the old man’s voice who says, “Get that hog outta there or I’m gonna shoot.”
Stephen Spielberg or Stanley Kubrik (Full Metal Jacket) may direct this potential “fireball” of a hit film.
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