Women’s Secrets

I have been sitting in front of my computer after surfing HubPages on the Internet, having drank whiskey from a large bottle and wisdom from various small female experts at the same time and in equal measurement. Having reduced the bottle of whiskey to a mere wreck of its former self, I am now full of good resolutions and brave enough to impart wisdom from the point of view of the male.

The impulse of the female of the species to torture the man she loves is well known.

But now hold on to something solid boys, because I am about to shock you with the antidote:

It is a secret, world-wide female tradition since time immemorial, that as soon as girls are born, their mothers drop their female offspring onto a hard surface head first, in order to ensure uniformity in female behavior.

It is a little known fact, but true. And we men should be thankful for that, because otherwise we would be dust beneath their five inch steel stiletto heels.

Women are SPIRITUAL and they FEEEEEEL!

They say that they “have to love the spirituality of a man before they can fall in love”. However, when women speak of falling in love with the “spirituality” of a man, you can rest assured that in their case the word “spirituality” is a euphemism in the female mind.

Take it from one who knows that the “spirituality” of the male, as assessed by the female of the species, is directly related to the number of multiple orgasms the male is able to provide the female over the long term and the consistency is a crucial factor in the equation.

Once you achieve this level of “spirituality” the poor chumps are yours for ever and you shall have to change states every time you want to get rid of one. And even then it will be difficult to get away from them, because they will go on to write about you on HubPages.

How you’ve ruined their lives, how cruel you were, though they - the perfect ones - still love you and always ready to forgive you because they are so much more SPIRITUAL and so much more FEEEEEELING than you – the animal - could ever be.

Woman’s intuition is a wonderful thing, but regrettably sometimes they are plain asking for it.

There is a poor female chump here on HubPages who feels qualified to give advice to other females and – naturally – to males.

It is her expert opinion that an effeminate sounding male she describes, who apparently spends more time on his hair than she does and who goes to a black tie event in jeans in order to stand out, is “cool”. Why? Because he has found an imbecile way to get himself noticed in a crowd of well-dressed people. According to this poor female fish, her heart goes all aflutter when the moron does this.

Doesn’t this throw a blinding spotlight on the fickleness of woman? She may be right of course, as women always are, but doesn’t she realize that her stud has a tiny Willie and is trying to make up for it with hair gel?

Does she not realize that she is doomed from the beginning to wonder a short while later how she could have wasted her time with this imbecile?

No, obviously she does not and to say that I laughed when I read her thoughts on this point would be to express the matter ineffectually.

My higher self urges me to discontinue this discourse and talk about the weather. However the voice of my lower self is louder and insists on harping on it a little longer.

So, being out of reach of retaliation, I shall try to make a helpful suggestion which she may or may not find useful. I should be failing in my duty were I not to suggest to her that her time might be better occupied were she to hire a sturdy Mexican by the hour to kick her till she felt better.

It is true that all women hate to see a chance to prod the loved one and to watch him squirm, go to waste.

But there are some who feel that though sufficient agony is good for a man - stimulating his mind and keeping him on his toes and his nose shiny and pink - too much is just too much.

And believe it or not there are some women who can - and do - understand that conjugal happiness cannot be build on hair gel and that it depends on a number of other factors which will lead to a combination of Happiness and Contentment.

And if you want to know the difference between Happiness and Contentment, you have come to the right man:

When there is a state of mind by which the mind and body are in accord, without friction, that is Contentment.

Happiness is when the woman you love kisses you while you sleep, thinking that you cannot feel it and when she seeks you out in her own sleep, her arms and legs, her whole self, wrapping around you as if she wants to make you a part of herself.

Here endeth the sermon for the day and remember brothers:

"For in due season ye shall reap, if ye faint not."

Dimitris Mita

De Greek