World's Worst Friends

Being captain of a footy team affords you certain privileges, but the last time we checked, ploughing your mate’s missus wasn’t one of them. At the end of 2001, AFL golden balls Wayne Carey began flirting with Kelli Stevens, wife of his close buddy and North Melbourne vice-captain, Anthony. Before long he was putting one between her posts as often as possible. The sordid affair came to a head when Kelli followed Carey into a toilet at a players-and-wives party at Roos star Glenn Archer’s house – in front of everyone. A giant shitstorm erupted as Carey, his missus (Sally), Kelli and Stevens confronted each other. In March of 2002, Carey did the sensible thing and said goodbye to the Kangaroos…then his wife, career and dignity did the same to him.

When the buck passes out during Scandinavian stag parties, drawing a cock and balls on his face is so old hat. These days, it’s all about the pube-beard. It’s a meatball muncher’s tradition to “kidnap” the stage and whisk him off for the day. The unnamed Swede pictured her was taken to a boat, where his mates pasted a false “skipper’s beard” to his face and let him captain the vessel. The following day, during the customary post bucks sauna, his pals whipped off their towels to reveal their publess groins – and the real origin of the skipper’s beard. Still the stag must have been relieved to see that their arse cracks were still hairy.

Even if you’ve shagged your mates missus, then backed it up with his mum and sister, you’d still be a better bloke compared to Raghunandan Yadmuri. In 2012, police say the 26 year old hatched a vile plan to hold a mate’s baby girl hostage for $50,000. He wrote a ransom note for his chum, saying, “Its up too you to decided – do your want your daughter or five-months of your income?” When he went to nab the girl at an apartment in Philadelphia, US, he got into a tussle with her 61 year old grandma, fatally stabbing her. He later told the cops that he stuffed a hanky down the throat of the baby to shut her up. A few days later, the infant’s body was found at a beach. At the bail hearing, people called for Yadmuri to be hung. By his own intestines.

Even though Nate Dogg kept his entourage in weed and hos for years, when he suffered a stroke in 2008 and needed help with his $300,000 medical bill, his cashed-up homies went missing. The Dogg had a string of hits with Snopp, Warren G, 50 Cent and Eminem, but fell on hard times when a stroke left him paralysed and in rehab for two years. Record label owner David Michery, who stumped up cash for Nate, said “I did what everyone should have done and tried to save his life…not let him get kicked out on the street and die.” Mr Dogg did die in 2011 of complications caused by multiple strokes. Meanwhile, his old mates continue to burn $100 bills for shits and giggles.

Identity theft wasn’t invented along with the internet and Romanian hacking syndicates – scoundrels like Gregory Harville have been at it for decades. The Seppo name-nicker, now 58, stole the identity of a former roommate, and for 30 years used it to get jobs, a driving license, welfare handouts, speeding tickets and even a prison sentence. Alarm bells rang when the unnamed victim tried to get health insurance in California, and found out someone had racked up a criminal record under his ID. Cops in San Francisco busted Harville in July 2012, not fooled by the old “Harville who?” line.

If we carked it of natural causes while stranded in the wilderness, most of us wouldn’t mind becoming our mates next feed if it saved his life. But when rescuers plucked lost fisherman Alexander Abdullaev, 37, and Alexi Gradulenko, 35, from the Siberian Woop Woop in December 2012, and found hacked up pieces of their two other companions’ bodies close by, they suspected the duo had killed their friends and eaten them. They were tipped off by the fact that the flesh had distinct cut marks usually associated with someone being butchered. The pair denied the claims, saying they left their pals at a deserted house while they went for help. And when they say, “help”, they of course mean a nice mustard dressing.

The former wrestling superstar had been china plates with Todd “Bubba the love sponge” Clem for years when he slid one into Clem’s missus in 2006. That’s bad enough, but last year, a video of Hulk and missus Love Sponge’s mattress sessions made into onto the internet, and Bubba announced on his radio show, “Hulk could’ve had something to do with it,” (meaning the leak of the video) as well as calling him “a one-way piece of crap” and “the ultimate, lying showman”. The pair are lawsuitting it out now, and Bubba’s last comment might not stand up in court. After all everyone knows there is no bull shit in pro wrestling.

If Jose Canseco was in the mafia, he’d currently be on a meat hook somewhere choking on his own nutsack. In 2005, the poster boy of American baseball in the ‘80s and ‘90s published his not at all sensational memoir: Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big (he may have been on a little buzz when he came up with the title). In the book, he admitted he and all his buddies were caning performance enhancing like they were M&M’s. He even named names, making accused players like Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmerio VERY VERY VERY ANGRY ALL OF A SUDDEN…ARGHH! It didn’t matter that Canseco turned out to be right in many of the fingered stars eventually ‘fessed up. He’d be forever known as a ‘roid-junkie dobber with nuts the size of dried peas.

There you were, thinking that the most un-Australian thing in the world is trying low-strength beer (once), and then along comes Perth bloke Layne Armstrong, who fatally stabbed his friend and neighbor, Adam Summersby, at a backyard Barbie on Aussie Day 2012. Trouble started at the end of the daylong piss-up when Summersby got into a row with his wife. When Armstrong stepped in, Summersby picked up a knife, but his mate wrestled it off him and then stabbed him – four times to make sure. Armstrong was sentenced to ten years in the slammer, and was probably banned from going within 5km radius of a potato salad ever again.

A surfie off the west coast of Ireland became human chum when his brain-dead mates punked him in the most bastardy way possible: pushing him off a dinghy into the path of a shark. The group was on a morning wave-finding mission off the town of Rossnowlagh when a fin hovered close by, heading straight for the craft. The clip posted on YouTube last year shows the bloke scrambling back into the dinghy, his legs missing Jaws’ mouth by inches. He took the prank like a champion, laughing his nuts off. It wasn’t as dangerous as it looked, though – the fish in question was a harmless basking shark, according to the highly decorated Professors of Sharkology on board the boat at the time.