You Chose Someone Else
I am eternally confused by you. I ask myself the question, how could I be so wrong about something I know in every cell of my existence? What I feel for you isn’t about being right or wrong – it just is. I think we should be together. But that’s not my choice alone. You chose someone else. Was I meant to love you, just not to be loved by you? I know what I want, and I know how I feel. How amazing that the depth of my feelings could ultimately be of so little significance. That thought takes my breath away.
I didn’t wake up a few weeks ago and see you as some guy I have the hots for. What I feel for you I have felt for a very long time. What I don’t know is why you chose to act on your feelings towards me at the time you did. I asked you that night, why wasn’t this eight months ago, before you chose someone else. Why were you with me three weeks after marrying her? Why did you want me then? Did it really have anything to do with me? God I hope it did. I did what I wanted to do. You made it happen. I let it happen. I’m so happy that it did happen. You need to know that it was significant to me. Of course it was. I know you know that because you’ve known of my feelings for you for a long time. I don’t believe you would ever intentionally hurt me for any reason. And so knowing that, I wonder why you acted on your feelings that night. You had to know how special that would be to me.
You were amazing to me that night, so tender, and I thought I would melt right into you. I loved every moment. I was utterly surprised. I wanted you. I hated when you said this has to be a secret, but I know it as well as you. I tried to think of what to say to you, but no words would come to me. And when I lifted my head, you were kissing me again. And I had no will, nor desire, to resist you.
What do you feel for me? Why have we not talked about this? Was I supposed to do or say something? I am feeling my way through this. That’s what I’ve done for a long time, but I can’t do what I’ve always done – wait and hope that answers come. Was this a one-time thing to you? That is an almost intolerable thought to me. What do you want? I need to know.
I cannot conceive of my life going by never having told you what I feel for you. I thought I was silenced forever because you got married. I thought that all things personal between us had descended into some abysmal, black hole. My world faded to gray where you are concerned. I thought you were lost to me in every way, separated from my hopes and dreams forever, and I was trying to heal my heart. I didn’t conceive that you and I would ever be together in any way. I was profoundly surprised when you sought me out. I just don’t have you figured out.
I have loved before, but I feel for you what I have never felt for any other man in my life. This is my honesty. There is no shame in loving. The truth is I am still in love with you. That didn’t dissipate because you put a ring on. It certainly didn’t fade after we were together. I am not confusing sex with love. My love for you was born long before that night. And I am so sad not to have you. Part of me just wants to pound on your chest. But would it make me feel better? Would it change anything? Would it take away this pain?
You are precious to me. You live in a place in my heart that will ever and only belong to you. I wish we were wrapped around each other ten times a day, twelve days a week. And I am afraid of never feeling this way again. Do not console me with “someone will come along”. Someone will. I know that. He’ll be someone. But he can never be you. And the fact is you can’t console me. This is the sound of my heart breaking. It’s breaking because I still want you.
It would have been a fine miracle if love between us had collided and become one thought, one breath, one heart. But love forced is not love. What is love given but not received? Whatever the answer is to that question is too painful for me to form with words right now. My heart is experiencing it, and that is enough pain. The fact is you have never told me with words how you feel about me. I’m asking now. I’m telling you how I feel. I think you communicated beautifully that night. But here’s what . . . I need to know some stuff for sure. I thought I knew things for sure once you got married. Now, I don’t know. Am I supposed to have figured this out by myself, without you?
I miss you. I’ve missed you for months. I am still haunted by the question, why did you never choose me? I debated writing these things to you. I asked myself if I will “scare you off”. Do you scare that easily? I don’t know. But then, I don’t really have you. So I have nothing to lose. Except that I may never be with you again. That sucks so much. I don’t know what you want. I hope you’re not sitting there thinking, why did I open this Pandora’s Box. Whether you think that or not, you made a choice that night. So did I. And I am trying to understand. You told me with your eyes. You told me with your body. Tell me with your words.
I realize I am pouring out a great deal of what’s inside of me. But years of feelings for you is not undeserving of a few pages of written words. Whether you knew it or not, you carved these words on my heart. My heart was asleep, and you woke it up. I feel such tenderness for you. So very much tenderness. I have no regrets. What I feel for you comes from the purest, sweetest place inside of me.
How could I regret that?
© 2012 Bella Nina
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