You Chose Someone Else

I am eternally confused by you. I ask myself the question, how could I be so wrong about something I know in every cell of my existence? What I feel for you isn’t about being right or wrong – it just is. I think we should be together. But that’s not my choice alone. You chose someone else. Was I meant to love you, just not to be loved by you? I know what I want, and I know how I feel. How amazing that the depth of my feelings could ultimately be of so little significance. That thought takes my breath away.

I didn’t wake up a few weeks ago and see you as some guy I have the hots for. What I feel for you I have felt for a very long time. What I don’t know is why you chose to act on your feelings towards me at the time you did. I asked you that night, why wasn’t this eight months ago, before you chose someone else. Why were you with me three weeks after marrying her? Why did you want me then? Did it really have anything to do with me? God I hope it did. I did what I wanted to do. You made it happen. I let it happen. I’m so happy that it did happen. You need to know that it was significant to me. Of course it was. I know you know that because you’ve known of my feelings for you for a long time. I don’t believe you would ever intentionally hurt me for any reason. And so knowing that, I wonder why you acted on your feelings that night. You had to know how special that would be to me.

You were amazing to me that night, so tender, and I thought I would melt right into you. I loved every moment. I was utterly surprised. I wanted you. I hated when you said this has to be a secret, but I know it as well as you. I tried to think of what to say to you, but no words would come to me. And when I lifted my head, you were kissing me again. And I had no will, nor desire, to resist you.

What do you feel for me? Why have we not talked about this? Was I supposed to do or say something? I am feeling my way through this. That’s what I’ve done for a long time, but I can’t do what I’ve always done – wait and hope that answers come. Was this a one-time thing to you? That is an almost intolerable thought to me. What do you want? I need to know.

I cannot conceive of my life going by never having told you what I feel for you. I thought I was silenced forever because you got married. I thought that all things personal between us had descended into some abysmal, black hole. My world faded to gray where you are concerned. I thought you were lost to me in every way, separated from my hopes and dreams forever, and I was trying to heal my heart. I didn’t conceive that you and I would ever be together in any way. I was profoundly surprised when you sought me out. I just don’t have you figured out.

I have loved before, but I feel for you what I have never felt for any other man in my life. This is my honesty. There is no shame in loving. The truth is I am still in love with you. That didn’t dissipate because you put a ring on. It certainly didn’t fade after we were together. I am not confusing sex with love. My love for you was born long before that night. And I am so sad not to have you. Part of me just wants to pound on your chest. But would it make me feel better? Would it change anything? Would it take away this pain?

You are precious to me. You live in a place in my heart that will ever and only belong to you. I wish we were wrapped around each other ten times a day, twelve days a week. And I am afraid of never feeling this way again. Do not console me with “someone will come along”. Someone will. I know that. He’ll be someone. But he can never be you. And the fact is you can’t console me. This is the sound of my heart breaking. It’s breaking because I still want you.

It would have been a fine miracle if love between us had collided and become one thought, one breath, one heart. But love forced is not love. What is love given but not received? Whatever the answer is to that question is too painful for me to form with words right now. My heart is experiencing it, and that is enough pain. The fact is you have never told me with words how you feel about me. I’m asking now. I’m telling you how I feel. I think you communicated beautifully that night. But here’s what . . . I need to know some stuff for sure. I thought I knew things for sure once you got married. Now, I don’t know. Am I supposed to have figured this out by myself, without you?

I miss you. I’ve missed you for months. I am still haunted by the question, why did you never choose me? I debated writing these things to you. I asked myself if I will “scare you off”. Do you scare that easily? I don’t know. But then, I don’t really have you. So I have nothing to lose. Except that I may never be with you again. That sucks so much. I don’t know what you want. I hope you’re not sitting there thinking, why did I open this Pandora’s Box. Whether you think that or not, you made a choice that night. So did I. And I am trying to understand. You told me with your eyes. You told me with your body. Tell me with your words.

I realize I am pouring out a great deal of what’s inside of me. But years of feelings for you is not undeserving of a few pages of written words. Whether you knew it or not, you carved these words on my heart. My heart was asleep, and you woke it up. I feel such tenderness for you. So very much tenderness. I have no regrets. What I feel for you comes from the purest, sweetest place inside of me.

How could I regret that?

© 2012 Bella Nina

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Comments 16 comments

HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 5 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

Think when someone chooses someone else it doesn't have anything to do with you. I think some things are just meant to be that way, and we learn the lessons we do in the moment how ever long or short the relationship is. I know I was with a guy for two weeks, and he chose some other girl. I ended up being with his best friend for the last three years, and he actually dumped me off in his lap. lol I think sometimes things happen for a reason, and when I look back at that I laugh, because I am more compatible with the one I am with right now. The other one would have drove me nuts! lol So think of it as you will meet the right one when the time comes. Someone once told me that there is Adam waiting for you out there, so why stay in a relationship with fool, when being Eve, why waste anymore time. If you are not with the fool, than Adam can walk in your life any moment. :)

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

I'm very happy that things worked out for you Hattie. I'm where I am, and pouring out my heart. We see it when we see it. We get it when we get it. Thank you for taking the time to read my hub. I appreciate your input.

Jaspals profile image

Jaspals 5 years ago from India / Australia

Very touching tale full of sadness. Your love has great flow of feelings. I see these feelings as very subjective, never depending upon outer object. It's some godly bliss coming from your heart and soul. It's certainly divine. God bless you with more pure heart. You will certainly get some LOVING HEART for you. You wrote wonderful hub, Nina.

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Jaspals so much for your comment. Your words are encouraging to me. I am on a journey, that is certain. I hope with my whole heart that my journey will lead to peace and joy and love. God bless you with those things as well.

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 5 years ago from Space Coast

This reminds me of finding a letter from long ago. I will answer it. I wanted you. I regret that I burned the bridge. Everything was going my way and it seemed I had too many choices. I chose what seemed to be sensible, but I was not a sensible person. I acted on impulse too many times. I sleep in a lonely bed, next to a lonely woman, who has no idea that I am longing for you.

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. My wife is cool. She is my little padoodle.

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

WD ~ I am so glad you found my letter, and that you answered it . . . the truth is that he made the wrong choice, in my humble and well-informed opinion. I wish he had chosen us. He still has his hold on me. Even today. And I still love him with the purest and sweetest part of me. Thank you for reading. Please read more of my work, and feel free to comment. I would love to know what you think.

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 5 years ago from Space Coast

Your openness is astounding. It is almost impossible to break a soul tie. Sometimes it is a victory just to face another day. The pain is real. So much so that an aspirin will take the edge off. Heavier medication will exasperate the problem and you may have to take a pre-trial diversion before you can let go enough appear sane.

Meanwhile, demons are laughing and selling tickets to the show that they staged.

Some people never know that kind of heart ache. It would literally kill them. I have played both roles in this tragedy.

I am much older now, than when my soul mate chose security over love. Like the pain of my broken knee, it is hard to even remember exactly what it felt like, but I still walk with a bit of a limp.

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

@WD ~ You get it, don't you? I am thinking that it is possible that I will limp for the rest of my life.

The mystery of other people's choices is akin to the mystery of love. I think that sometimes, we just don't get to understand. Not in this world anyway.

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Fenn 5 years ago

I love this Bella Nina. Thank you so much for sharing a vulnerable article like this one, it is not easy to do. The pain of conflict or destruction in relationships is the most potent anguish anyone can feel, and I certainly understand your experience.

However, I do agree that other people's choices very often do not have anything to do with you, and are purely based off of their own insecurities, fears, or just decisions.

Please keep writing, it's so great!

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Fenn!! Vulnerable is right, and your comment brings a tear to my eye just for the fact that your understanding touches my heart.

Sometimes it feels like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. Such is love. And I do love him.

luciano63 profile image

luciano63 5 years ago from Paris

The most beautiful thing in relationships is to have the courage and opening to love our ex for life no matter who is next to us...if relationships were honest they come back again and make us feel good in a mutual way even at 20000 Km away! :) it takes time...

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Luciano ~ from your lips to God's ear. I pray my love comes back to me. I want nothing else. I pray it happens. I pray for it every day. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. Thank you.

luciano63 profile image

luciano63 5 years ago from Paris

kiss to you hoping it will happen :)

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Luciano ~ thank you so much!! :)

broken-dove 3 years ago

Hi Bella Nina,

I am writing you because I too have experience this depth of love and I don't know if life can ever be the same for me. I was with this man for two years and we like any other relationship had our issues but we were meant to be together forever. He loves me with such a genuine love and I am so in love with him that I don't know if I can live without him. I am living but life seems so limp.

The woman he chose over me was his ex. He returned to her. Unable to move past their relationship. The way, I love this man I understand. For I cannot move past him and any man that enters my life would only end up hurt.

I do not fear that I will never find love for I am successful, bright and a beautiful person, inside and out, however, I fear that I will settle because I know that I will never be able to love another the way that I have loved this man.

I settle for so much less that what I deserve simply because I cannot bare to live life without his contact. I am not a simple woman who is smitten by men, I am highly educated- a lawyer- a virtuous woman, and an overall good person. I know that in a perfect world we should have been together. I cry daily at the thought of him loving, holding and establishing a life with another woman. It truly will be the death of me. I think about the child that we spoke of conceiving and the wedding that we planned and I wonder why??? Why I am not in his arms? Why I do not have his last name? Why he would sacrifice the world for her and put me on the curb? How could he betray me? How could he leave me? How he could no longer love me? All I can do is trust God. Trust that he knows best and that a life without another man is still a full life.

Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 3 years ago from USA Author

Dearest broken-dove,

I wish that I could reach out and give you the biggest hug. This kind of loss wounds us, and bruises our hearts, and the pain is an everyday experience.

Love and loss touches us all. But, the type of experience that you and I have encountered can be particularly damaging. I think at some point ~ and I know it has taken me a pretty long time to get there ~ we must value ourselves more than we value the love we have for the person who perpetually hurts us.

Life seems to be frozen in time. But, at what point do you say "this is enough", draw the line, and say to yourself, "this far, and no further".

I struggle so much with the idea of being with someone else. I know this love will never be replaced, nor repeated. But . . . perhaps this pain will never be repeated either. No one can ever take away this great love in our hearts for this person. That is ours to hold forever. But, consider the possibility of letting someone in, someone who doesn’t want to play games with the most precious possession you have ~ your heart.

I pray for you and for me and for everyone who suffers this type of loss, that one day peace will come. Do not under-value peace. Do not push it away. Stop sacrificing your heart on the altar of someone who just didn’t give a shit after all was said and done.

I am sending you love. I am wishing you peace.

Bella Nina

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