Relationship Advice: How To Get Over Being Played

So, You Fell for a Player! Now what?

You may find yourself wondering what happened in a relationship. It’s the old scenario of realizing things aren't what they appear to be. The worst case, plus the most humiliating, is finding out it was never what you thought, that everything that was said and done was only a charade to cover the Player’s real intention.

Let’s be real. As frustrating and degrading as it is, you were played.

First, I want to stress that you are not alone. Even the most people-savvy individual can find themself the victim of a casual user. So how do you get over being played?

You Were Decieved.

Now the cold, hard truth sets in. You were deceived; you were played! You know you were led on. You see the relationship was never what you believed. You realize you allowed yourself to be manipulated by false promises or delusions of some sort. Where do you go from here and how do you deal with the humiliation?

Let’s talk about why you became involved with a Player in the first place. Ask yourself this question: What positive feel-good things did I get out of the relationship? Let us list a few possibilities.

Possible Positive Feel-Good Things:






*sexual satisfaction

*temporary emotional fulfillment


* excitement of being pursued and desired.

Now, what were the negatives of your involvement in the relationship?

Possible Negative Outcomes of the Relationship:















* oppression.

It’s necessary to consider and reflect on what kept you latched into the relationship before you can understand why you fell for a Player. You can begin by asking yourself the following questions.

What kept you in the relationship?

1) What caused you to fall for him (or her)?

Did he give you attention? Were you bored and unfulfilled sexually? Did you have anger and resentment leftover from a previous relationship? Did he seem to understand you like nobody else did? Did she know exactly what you were thinking?”

2) What did you think when you began to fall for him (or her)?

Did you fantasize about him daily and believe that he could finally offer you the release you needed to be fulfilled? Did she offer you a way out of your present situation? Did he seem to understand your sexual needs and fulfill you in every way?”

3) How did you feel when you began to notice little inconsistencies and holes even though were enjoying the positive, feel-good things?

Did you feel anxious, excited, aroused, happy, nervous, uncertain, hopeful, caring, frustrated, and/or somewhat in denial?

4) What did you want to do when you noticed his (or her) contradictions?

Did you want to question him about some of the confusion you detected in his statements? Did you want to say "no" to her requests for certain things that challenged your moral judgment and weren’t the kind of things you would normally do? Did you want to tell him that he was manipulating you? Did you want to ask her about those inconsistencies, but didn't? Did you ever want to tell him you thought he was not fair to you?

5) What did you do when it became apparent he (or she) was not real, and you saw the relationship for what it really was?

Did you ignore your gut feeling that he was not all that he was presenting himself to be? Did you continue to flirt with and engage in sexual activity with her because she fulfilled so many needs? Were you blinded by your feelings for him (and the feel-good things)? Did you ignore the warning signs that were obvious? Did the bubble finally burst when she dropped out of your life with no explanation and never bothered to answer the last message you sent her? Did you refuse to contact him because, by then, you had realized he had just been playing you and throwing you a few crumbs to keep you hooked, keeping you hoping you would get the cake later?

6) What was the result?

He didn’t meet your expectations and you found out he was a user. You tried to bargain and convince yourself she really did care for you. You were hurt when you realized his feelings were based on selfishness. You discerned her morality was not what you thought it was. You were disappointed, sad, lonely, humiliated, angry, jealous, and felt totally deceived and angry at yourself.

What do you do now?

Are you devastated and beating yourself up daily? Are you thinking, “How could I have been so stupid to ignore the warning signs!?” How do you get over being played? This may be a good time to think back on past relationships and your pattern of choosing partners. Or, if this is the first time this has happened, then learn from the experience.

What can you do with the feelings? For starters, seek out someone you trust to confide in. If your sadness and guilt are too overwhelming, seek the guidance of a professional counselor or psychologist. Your feelings are important, and getting on with your life is critical. Talking it out with an encouraging person can be very healing.

Anger is a normal reaction to being “played.” Maybe you could write the Player a mean letter and destroy it. Continually sending the Player emails, texts, or leaving hateful, pleading voice mails is not the answer. The important thing is to acknowledge your anger and tell yourself, “I was played. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to be angry at myself for allowing it.”

Now it is time to learn to forgive yourself. Let yourself heal and push onward!

Will you take a moment and vote in this poll?

Have you been "played" by someone?

  • NO, I've never allowed anyone to take advantage of me.
  • YES, I admit I was played once but I learned from it.
  • YES. I've been played multiple times. I can't seem to break the cycle!
See results without voting

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Comments 67 comments

DoveFreexrolo 7 months ago

Should you do not thoughts my asking, do you make very good funds from this blog?

rene 8 months ago

I was just recently played,this guy acted like he was really into me,would always text me goodmorning,goodnight he made me feel special and that I finaly met a good guy,he even told me that he loved me,but I knew it wasnt true,but I really liked that I felt like there was someone there,but there were red flags,that I noe know that I ignored,we slept togther but he still talked to me but I could tell there was something wrong,that and he was in a dating site,telling me he loved me but would constantly be online,and everytine I brought it up he said he that I just alway says that but I know hes lieing,and he will tell me will hangout and say a day but never go threw with it,hes a smooth talker,but he doesnt go threw with anything,I blocked him on my phone last night I feel like hes lieing to me and he wont be honest with me,and mow im trying to pick up the pieces and accept what happened and be ok,

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Lauren Drexel 12 months ago

i was in a situation like this. She said the she was done with her bf but it was a lie. Now she posts daily fab posts with them. I want to tell him because f her for getting to skate free and clear.


player1234 16 months ago

I realize this site seems to be geared toward women but in 2015 come on you make it sound like women are angels and never emulate the very behaviour you are describing making men to me the culprit. Wake up women are doing this worse then men. wtf ... so redic that you are pinning men as the ones doing this.. that is b.s.

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RecoverToday 20 months ago from United States Author

Dear Sklesher: First let me apologize for not responding sooner.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, above "...I knew he had been a player for years prior to this so I was shocked.... " This was the warning signal you missed. A repeated pattern of this guy going after women for the thrill of the hunt. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

My heart breaks for you. You see, it's time to look inside yourself and ask why you are continually attracted to men with these traits. It's not anything wrong with you, as a person. It's the fact that you have not yet learned how to recognize and listen to the warning signals. You have a pattern of getting involved with abandoning men. It's familiar to you, so you always lean to what is familiar because it's comfortable.

Remember that because it's familiar doesn't mean it's healthy. Learning how to identify HEALTHY traits takes a while. Therapy and a commitment to abstinence. If you continue in this familiar behavior, you will continue to be hurt and feel abandoned. You are a wonderful caring person!! You do NOT deserve the abandoning treatment you have been getting.

Clblues 21 months ago

Sklesher, he is a narcissist and possibly a socoiopath. You need to dump him and go No Contact! Visit Psychopath Free dot com. So sorry. Get yourself tested for STDs?

sklesher 21 months ago

After two failed marriages (one husband an adulterer and the other a pedophile), and three children, I thought I knew manipulators and how they worked. Then I had a wonderful relationship with another guy who treated me and the children wonderful until three weeks before our daughter was born. He moved with no forwarding address, new phone number, and no contact with anyone that speaks to me. Soo... 6 months later when my attractive coworker/friend, that knew all about my past, asked me to a concert, I was thrilled. We started going to dinner, bingo, lunch, spending the night in each others arms. I met his entire family and all his friends. He was very proud of me and bragged to all his friends that i was the one. He spent Christmas (his parents bought the kids gifts) and new years with us. I knew he had been a player for years prior to this so I was shocked. He told me we were going to take the kids places, he even suggested buying his grandfathers house and all of us moving in. Then he changed. Over the next year he spent less and less time with us. Started making excuses to not do things, withheld sex, took forever to respond to texts and acted intruded upon if I called him. But I held on. The last 6 months, he has insulted me, has been rude, and made me feel unimportant and runs hot and cold from day to day. Whenever I said I have had enough, I'm done, he'd turn on the charm with "I love you", "You're the best thing that ever happened to me", etc. A few dates and then back to treating me like last weeks laundry. Two weeks ago, he blessed me(sarcasm) with his presence for a night out. In his drunken state he admitted that he never loved me and this whole thing has been a game. I went home angry, hurt, sad, confused, and feeling pretty stupid. Two days of no contact, I shut him down. Then at work he acted like nothing had ever happened. I was aloof and avoided him. He texted me that night and asked if I was mad at him. I told him everything he had said to me. He convinced me to come to his house so we could talk. Like a dummy, I went. He was a sweetheart, told me everything I wanted to hear, and convinced me he loved me. We had sex and in the morning he told me he loved me before I left. At work that day he totally ignored me. When I asked "What was last night, exactly?" He informed me that we weren't back together, we were just enjoying each others company. Played again. The next day he's saying he loves me and I said no more games and walked away. Every day since, he's texted me to tell me he loves me and to give him another chance and says all kinds of sweet stuff. 99% of me says walk away, hes playing more games, 1% says you love the old him and hes in there, give him another chance. Your thoughts?

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RecoverToday 2 years ago from United States Author

PMARTIN: you certainly have a right to your opinion and you are correct: just because someone breaks up with you doesn't mean they are a player. missed the point . If someone DOESN'T break up with you in the traditional sense and RUDELY blows you off, then that's a different story.

PMARTIN 2 years ago

Just because someone breaks up with you doesn't mean they are a player although thats what the victim always says. Why not simply date for a long time--cut out the sex after the second date, cut out the expensive gifts or loaning of the car every week and definitely dont shack up!! Just go out and socialize. Then when the "mate" turns out to be no good--you lost a short 3--6 months of time and some loose change. We all can live with that. and be THANKFUL you learned about them before you married them!!!

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RecoverToday 2 years ago from United States Author

CL Blues.....Hon, keep fighting. I understand where you are. I've been there too. Take advantage of the support you have. Please work on not internalizing the rejection you experience. IT IS NOT YOU. Until you can thoroughly heal and recognize those warning signs that are present early in relationships, you'll be right back in the same boat. Take a vow to avoid relationships at all cost. Hang out with friends more. Take a trip with one of them!!

Also, remember that getting over someone doesn't have a time limit. It used to take me months and months to get over the rejection of a 6 week relationship. Our minds are OCD....medication can help.

God bless you hon!

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RecoverToday 2 years ago from United States Author

Tweeny, honey.....loneliness is only a word! Get out there and have a good time!

CLBlues 2 years ago

Dear RecoverToday,

Thanks for the four thumbs up, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I had come across a few narcs that I allowed to take advantage of me since the six months ago when I last wrote in. I didn't sleep with them, but they hurt me psyche . . Or should I say I let them hurt my psyche. One thing you may have guessed, is that I'm an HSP, and an Empath, so I have a tremendously difficult time getting over things. I mean, even I cannot stand it that I can't get over things. I ruminate, and ruminate till the cows come home (and the cows never do come home so it's endless). And yes, I'm still not over the guy I wrote in about to begin with. His birthday was a few weeks ago, and it triggered me. His high school reunion is in over a month, and again I feel triggered knowing he will be in town. And yes, I am in therapy. I have let my CoDa meetings slip however. I'm not on the dating scene, as a matter of fact I met (via phone and text) some very toxic men on online dating. I had to turn one in, block another, and still have been contacting match about another psycho that threatened me (never met me, and does not know my full name). So yes, I am done. I have since lost my job a few weeks ago, and will lose my health insurance in one month. So needless to say, I am hitting rock bottom. My therapy session will no longer be covered. So, I have learned even more since last time . . Really I have. I have read tons on narcissist, Psychopathy, and sociopathy. However, my heart is super broken. I have a lot of difficulty even getting out of bed in the morning (and I am healthy and able bodied). This has done a number on me. I think most of all my ego and pride hurts from being rejected, even though I should feel blessed to have those toxic people leave me. Thankfully none have hovered back.

tweeny 2 years ago

Thank you for the page and all the sharing by the readers. I recently felt played, but my mind was rationalising it otherwise. Reading the entries gave me the go ahead to feel upset. I feel less alone now and more liberated from my pain.

Like entries before i knew this guy is not for me. But he was hot on my heels, and the attention can get addictive. Before i knew it i was hooked. He told me if we couldn't be couples we would be best pals. I thought it was possible. That thought made me feel safe. Possibly too safe, and made things more confusing, when i cant tell what sweet-nothings are a joke and what are for real.

I think he didn't mean to play.. he himself keeps saying he is afraid of being played. But maybe this is also part of my rationalising mind. To save my sanity i forced him to tell me if he is interested in someone else (oh yes he admitted, finally). I am past humiliation that i let this happened to myself AGAIN, when i knew at the start its going to happen this way. Going to cut all ties with him, even tho he is a nice chap to spend time with... then.

I am beginning to think that i cant go into any relationships.... the risk of getting played is too high. But the thought of loneliness is just too painful.

Caley 2 years ago

So ive just been played... by someone who before sleeping with me said he loved me and wanted to marry me and then stopped taking my calls right after...

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RecoverToday 2 years ago from United States Author


I give you 4 thumbs up!!

1, for admitting a mistake.

2, for going to therapy.

3, for recognizing the negative traits in others.

4, for moving on with your life!!

Great job!!!!

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RecoverToday 2 years ago from United States Author

Wow, LCD. That' took the taco! How rude and inconsiderate. I'll bet he had a great excuse........good thing he's history. Just ignore him. I too am glad it never went any further.

CLBlues 2 years ago

Dear RecoverToday,

I wanted to give you an update from 13 months ago. I slipped twice before finally "getting it". I had to really hit bottom, bottom. I saw the assclown again after my last entry, so that date was Dec. 8th. I am feeling a bit triggered as I approach the anniversary. We had a wonderful time that night. He arranged a great hotel in town over looking the faux winter wonderland that is put on each year in my town. He brought many candles for the room. He made love to me and professed his love to me. We went to a wonderful dinner, then walked about the winter wonderland and watched ice skaters. In the morning, he seemed rushed to get home (a three hour drive). For the first time, he took pictures at the cafe where we grabbed lattes, and he posted on Facebook (of course never revealing who I was, but out 70 friends in common know me). After that, he pretty much went MIA. He called a few times, and even asked for my address. In a normal world that means someone is going to send a card or gift . . But nothing ever came. I became more saddened. I heard from him briefly on Christmas, and thereafter. I was so angered at this narcissist, that I prayed to confront him again one day to tell him how that made me feel. And yes I full well knew that with narcs they don't care. Well, he started calling again . . Hooking me in again, and I was a sucker for the last time. I practiced what I would say to him. I arranged a meet up and drove 3 hours to see him. His behavior was cold and hot. He would switch between seemingly nice, to seeming put out. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I call this the spin cycle. My mom calls it ping-ponging. Anyway, I tried to do what my therapist calls "standing in my truth", and it bombed. He seemed to deflect, argue back, and wouldn't let me have my say. Then he got really sweet, and just wanted to be nice and comfort me. I feel for it again! I actually spent the night, and never felt as bad as I did. After the bedroom session, he changed again to his true ugly self. I could hardly wait till morning. He completely discarded me as of April 20th. If you read my post above, you'll read that I'm not that kind of fun time gal, who can just get an itch scratched and move along. I am a relationship gal. So, needless to say, I felt cheap and used, and angry at myself. I realized this past Spring the hard way. I am still recovering. And like another Commenter said, I'm still learning. I tried a few dates, and BAM, more narcissists. I have officially stopped dating until I heal myself, and dissect why I am doing this. The beauty however is I can spot it pretty good now. I just need to listen to my gut better based on knowing what to do with the information.

LCD 52195 2 years ago

Bump: I found this article because I believe I am being played. After reading everything above, it all fits my situation to a T.

The man in question is a co-worker who is playing another female at the same time. He has been at my place of employment for just a few months. This man is even living with his girlfriend of 3 years, and so very convincing that he is leaving her. LOL. We can make ourselves believe anything if we think our needs are going to be met. I thank God this thing never went beyond a few kisses.

Today, he was supposed to visit my home in the afternoon. Today was my only day off, for the next couple of weeks. He never contacted me to tell me he wasn't going to make it, and he never showed up. Inconsiderate much? He is a scumbag for sure, but I am more pissed than anything, that my time was wasted, so many other things I could have been doing. It is going to be awkward at work tomorrow.

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author

Wild roses: Hon, I feel your pain! I think what happens is that we create an image of someone in our mind when we don't know them face to face (like online). Then when the excitement persists, you meet....Boom! All that urgency is caught up in a wave. Then you deny his advances (smart move!). I don't think it would have persisted had you given in to him.

The excitement was over. Your expectations of him were high, he burst the bubble and you got let down. He's full of crumbs, cold crumbs on a hot plate. That's probably all he can give. Try reading this hub: It may lead you to some other hubs about relationships. You need time to climb back up from the blow.

I think counseling would be a good idea.....don't give up!

wildroses4u 3 years ago

My story is similar to so many others... I met someone online, through mutual friends. He contacted me. He pursued me and convinced me to meet him at the beach. I did. He was all over me...coming on real strong...but I stopped it before anything got out of hand. Needless to say, I fell for him. I actually thought he liked me... What ensued were days of anguish...he'd gone from so hot, needing to meet me, wanting to get to know me to practical silence... I was devastated. I felt deceived, disappointed, my self-esteem taking another pounding. He'd text occasionally (crumbs) even called a few times when he discovered I was actually upset. He could hear it in my voice.

I told him not to worry, it was just a phase, I'd get over it, but he was adamant we 'talk'. (On the phone , no less) He wanted me to admit, needed it, that I'd been hurt by his hot/cold behaviour. When I finally did admit it, I told him, not to worry, I'd been there, I'd get over it. I think it boosted his ego to discover that he'd gotten under my skin, without too much happening.

What upsets me is why do I feel so bad? I didn't sleep with him. I stopped his advances. I genuinely wanted to get to know him. He claims he wants to get to know me too...

That at worst, we can be good friends and at best, who knows? (More crumbs).

I see it. I acknowledge it. Yet, I feel sad. Wish I could just shrug it off, but can't. Part of me hates him for causing me such anguish, the other part just wishes he'd see what a fantastic person I am and he's a fool to 'play' me.

How do I get over the pain? Why can't/won't I accept the obvious? It's just as painful to have 'hope'. Maybe I do need professional help.

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author


You have done a great job defining the problem you have about this man. It would be great if you could learn how to handle your reactions to his "inaction". I completely relate and understand the type of man you have encountered. If he wanted a more detailed, involved relationship, he would make himself available. I pray you seek better counsel through a therapist or counselor. You are not alone. Please take time out for yourself and create new interests, friends and treat yourself well. God bless you.

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author


That is wonderful that you have learned from the situation and moved on. And smarter still to take it slow with a new friend. Congratulations!

Maria 3 years ago

Hi just 15 months ago I found this site and was recovering from a bad relationship with a guy who was a player/bad boy type. As of today I am doing very well and met a great guy! We are not really together but we're taking it slow and friends. I think that is a great thing! So I wanted to share my story to let others know you can give over this mess! :)

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boudboul 3 years ago

[I apologize in advance for my broken English, it is not my native language]

Thank you so much for your advices! I've been played for the first time recently, and it really hurts!... The thing is, after my first date with this guy, people warned me about him, but I was not really listening because I was not looking for a relationship so I thought it was ok... I just wanted to have fun and I did not expect much from him. But actually, it's one thing to "have fun" with someone, it is another thing to do it in mutual respect and honesty.

This was not the case with him... I always had to make the first move otherwise I had to wait for weeks before he would talk to me, he was super nice to me when I was with him but afterwards he was disappearing for a while, etc... I found myself depending on him, waiting hours for his texts/messages even though I did not want a relationship!

I basically became obsessed with him whereas at first I did not care that much about him. Now I'm gradually trying to get over him but if he contacts me I have no idea how to respond. Also, if I see him again, I don't know if I should make everything clear and ask for a fwb relationship or not? I'm really afraid of rejection and I don't usually ask this kind of things so it would really hard for me...

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author

You are very welcome, macteacher! Your words are very inspiring and uplifting. I am so happy for you that you have learned to identify the traits that continue putting you into those situation. Namaste.

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macteacher 3 years ago from New York

Dear CL - They run their game on the tender hearted, because those are the people they know they can manipulate. I speak from experience as a recovering tender hearted soul who got stepped on by a player and is still recovering more than a year after getting trampled on.

In Buddhism they say everyone in our environment is a mirror of something in us. I have figured out that the stinkers in my life are simply mirroring back to me how I feel about myself. Somewhere deep down I learned to accept crumbs. I am now going to do everything in my power to change my perspective - then, and only then, can I change who I attract into my life.

This man that keeps wandering into your life is probably a narcissist - they are predators and reading up on the disease should give you some peace. It really has nothing to do with you. I"m sending you good energy.

Recovery Today: Thank you for such a helpful and useful Hub. I'm bookmarking so I can reread when I need to and link to some of the resources. Voted up!

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author

EP, yes I agree. It's humiliating, to say the least to know that you've been deceived when it was practically rubbed in your face. Yes, it's hurtful, but there is life afterwards. Good luck to you.

EP 3 years ago

I can totally relate to the above and what was said about women deceiving themselves is very true in my case too, sad as it may seem even though I knew he was lying to me, seeing other people and probably feeding me lines I went along with it, it was almost like I was addicted to him. I feel sorry for anyone who falls for a player, its very hurtful

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author


You could be a carbon copy of me. 'Chipped away at your self respect' is a really good description. Jennifer Aniston said once, after Pitt dumped her, that "there's a sensitivity chip missing". Well said. You have the upper hand now. Glad your'e getting the professional support. Hang in there, my friend!

CLBlues 3 years ago

Thank you RecoverToday! You are very keen on picking up the depths of my sorrow. And by the way, he is no young man. We met as teens, and now we're in our 40's. He did the same thing to me when we were high school sweethearts. He's never been in a LTR, let alone married. I have a feeling he will want to try and make me his "back-up girl". I have never been that type. I know gals that can be a fun time gal, and just play the player back. I am not cut from that same cloth. I feel used, and discarded. I cannot separate sex from love. I have friends who are similar in that way. I feel like it has chipped away at some of my self respect. I feel dumb that I believed him. I guess always remember actions speak louder than words. Often times being the nice girl has really bitten me in the rear. He also knew I was a sensitive person. Why would someone run their game on someone they know is a tender heart. Can I trust again? Are there any good guys out there? I'm reading more and more that this is how men now behave. And yes, I have been seeing a professional regarding this matter. She has known me for years, and boy am I needing her help a lot these days! Thanks so much!!!

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RecoverToday 3 years ago from United States Author

CL Blues:

You are right in your description of this one - 'stealth player'. Very crafty, indeed. And he probably does not even know he is doing it or he is so used to tossing crumbs and using sweet words to make up for his guilt that it is a second nature to him. Now that you have identified this is a pattern with him. you have taken the first step on recognizing why you selected him. You said that you are too nice of a person; and you are. It is a wonderful trait to have, but not when one continually gets taken advantage of.

It does appear that this young man is quite aware of your feelings for him and, being unable to fully commit or feel as deeply as you do, simply says sweet, loving words to lift the guilt for his inability to jump in. It is his way of saying 'I know I can't give back to you but to make you feel better, I love you'. Then disappearing act. My guess is that he is unable to come through completely for anyone, giving you more reason not to blame yourself and think it is something wrong with you; because it is not.

I sincerely hope that you will seek counseling. You ARE worth more than this, and do not forget it! I pray you discuss this with a professional, I can tell it is hurting you to the depth of your soul. You will not always hurt like this; but in the meantime, get help and get in action. You are worth it!

CLBlues 3 years ago

I just found this thread, and just in time. My heart has just been broken by a stealth player. Or should I say, I let myself be hurt by what I suspected was a player, but failed to listen to my gut. Each day for me now has been awful. He is a bread crumb guy as well, so he is occassionally calling me to keep me strung along. He had a vague way of saying, you can date, and I can date, but if our paths meet up again, well . . . I have never been a backburner gal, and I can't believe I ever even entertained the idea that I could be. I've always been a commitment gal, so why change now. I've had a weakness for this guy for years (old high school sweetheart). I have found myself trying to rewrite history, and you know what folks? . . . A tiger never changes his stripes. You would think now that I'm older, I should be wiser. The problem is that I'm too nice of a person, and I give people too many chances. I'm also a hopeless romantic, and actually believe what people tell me. Just like Luna's story, my guy told me he loved me as we were drifting off to sleep. There we were butt to butt, heads on pillow, and lights out as he dropped those words on me. The next day, he told me again during an intimate session. Then, that day was the last time I saw him. We had 3 months of sporadic dates (he lived 3hr away), and he had plenty of time to drop those words on me before. Why would someone say those three little words on the last occasion? It's a total mind f*#k for me. I feel an emptiness every day that starts out in the morning and lasts till bedtime. I should not miss someone that is hot and cold, but there's a long history of over 20 years. My mind is spinning on how to handle the next time he calls. My mom said he had it all planned out, and that he probably has gals in other towns he's saying the same thing to. Just so confusing to me as this has shattered how I will ever trust again. Oh yeah, it doesn't help that is is super good looking. I keep thinking about how he sent me a picture of us saying "cute couple", them weeks after explaining reasons why he never posts pictures on his Facebook page. My heart sinks. I k ow I'm worth more than this, but I feel so weak.

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RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States Author

Dorota: I hope you will go on with your life. It was such a one sided relationship. I pray you can continue an start meeting emotionally healthy people who aren't so closed. You deserve much better.

anon 4 years ago

Me again. All ok and moving on...but just some thoughts to share with you and this time with a backward glance. If you read all the meassages posted on this board, they amount to the same thing. Met man or woman fell in love, invested and then they disappear. And then we give months and even years of our lives trying to solve the puzzle. Was it me, something I said, did, didn't do and so on and yet it all amounts to the same thing. If you disappear on somebody, be you a man or a woman you are basically a self centred person with absolutely no idea of the state you left another person in. You leave them to figure it out with not even a small clue. So mean and yes so cruel. And then I ask myself why on earth do we spend so much time on such a person. Well, two minutes would do fine. Well, I think the answer is that rejection is a horrible thing and we somehow want to rationalise it. If it is a verbal rejection where the person decides to communicate, it is already not good as you hear things you do not want to hear, but if it is the silent treatment that is way, way worse. When they disappear, you make excuses. He or she is in a bad place, maybe depressed, maybe maybe and maybe. But heck, it does not stop them communicating, unless they are in a coma. And then we try to communicate to get them to open up. We send sweet messages No answer, an answer that is not clear or an answer that keeps you hanging on but whatever the answer it still does not satisfy us. We send emotionally fuelled messages and that sends them into their rabbit hutches. As for me, I am finally coming out of the haze. I no longer wake up with this thing. A mixture of nostalgia, melancholy and confusion. A feeling that this long-distance person i cared for so much just threw me out. A feeling of getting stronger every day and getting my bounce back. That is what it is about for me, getting my bounce back and finally casting the memory of this not so nice person to the archives of my mind. Any feedback.. Doing just ok and thanks for this forum.

Dorota 4 years ago

I am not sure if my experience was with a player but the whole thing sure left me confused. I met a man from another town far from wher I live on an evening out ..he was on business in my town. We hit it off immediately and over the next few months we began seeing each other mostly weekends at my place. Text messages morning and night, calls, flowers and then the rot started setting in. Hot and cold behaviour started. Lots of enthusiastic communication then none for days and then back again and we lasted all most a year and a half like this until he finally pulled out...just stopped with no reason given. I did not really feel him as a player. He made no promises, no talk about the future and although we were in an intimate relationship, he never expressed any feelings for me, very few compliments and very little affection and zero emotions. When i expressed any feelings towards him, my feelings were strong, i got no reaction until our talk became just about our daily lives, jobs etc. It was extremely frustrating for me, so awful to be in an empty relationship like that. And you might ask why I let it go on so long. Well because I cared deeply about him and I was just hoping he would come forward but it never happened. I dont feel angry towards him and no hate just an extreme sadness. He touched my soul I think. Was he a player, I am not convinced. There were things I noticed though, those little revealing things. When he left my apartment, he always made sure to take every last thing, like you would when leaving a hotel. He loved his clothes and clothes shops. We could have whole conversations about clothes. I think he would liked to have a say in what i wore but I did not allow that. Also quite ungenerous and happy to sit back and let me pay. Never took any initiatives in planning our days, i always did that. So I guess you could call it one sided and by the way, i never got to see his home. He was definitely not married as there was no particular pattern to his calls and messages. I trust that. So what would you call that? Last contact was initiated by me, a text but the answer was cold and flat, i think he had lost his job. That was three months ago an i left it at that and decided there was no point in flogging a dead horse. A player of another kind maybe? Confused, did not know what he wanted? You tell me, would love feedback. The whole episode has drained me but I am getting on with it, just need to be more vigilant the next time. Sorry for the long winded message and thanks.

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RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States Author

Luna, sounds to me like his true colors are showing. Best to stay away from someone like that, I would say. He sounds so much a like a player.

Luna 4 years ago

My experience doesn't quite fit the classic 'player' model, and I'm still trying to figure out what happened. We'd known each other from work for five years until he found another job. His girlfriend of 3 years had just left him for another man (basically citing his neglect), sometime afterward he asked for my number, and if he could start seeing me. The first thing I did was have a talk with him that I'm not the kind of girl looking for a no strings deal-I get attached to people. Later on I had the feeling that I should press the topic again, and he confessed to me that he wasn't ready to give his heart to someone else, but we were still getting to know each other better, so who knew what would happen. However, when I talked to him on the phone some time after that, he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. We stopped talking, and I got rid of his number. Well, a month later he calls me up asking me why I haven't been calling him. After that he started talking to me and coming over again. I told him I wouldn't be happy if he was seeing other people while he was seeing me, and he assured me he wasn't. He even smiled at me and asked "you think I'm a manwhore??" He introduced me to some of his friends, in the middle of the night when he must have thought I was asleep he said "I love you," and he got along with my mother and they even friended each other on facebook. Very few of our conversations were sexual. Most were about how our days went. In fact, he was very encouraging and comforting to me about some slumps I had been in with my college grades. We never actually ended up having sex together, because he said he didn't want to hurt me.

When he finally got on facebook though, he listed himself as single, and started friending a bunch of girls which he could not have possibly all known. He started ignoring my calls again, and actually it was my mother who got in an argument with him over the way he was treating me (one of his facebook friends told my mom he was pimping it, and she confronted him about it). He denied having another girlfriend, or even wanting one. Then he said he didn't like people getting to close to him. He said he had no feelings to give me, and that he had problems, and he didn't want me to be in the middle. It's been four months and I haven't heard from him since. I don't even know if he was seeing other girls, or why you'd tell someone you think is asleep that you love them, then later say you don't have feelings for them. Nothing he did made any sense. Hell, afterwards he even liked a page on facebook called "Sex? No thanks, my life fucks me everyday."

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RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States Author

vicki, Thanks for your input. I can only imagine the waves of doubt that keep hitting you. Just remember your gut intuition and follow it closely. If he's not giving you what you need emotionally now, he won't ever. He's what I would call a "distant player". He's probably a good guy but just can't dive in and spread himself wide enough to satisfy the need you have. Trust yourself. You are on the right track by not initiating contact. It wouldn't hurt to not be available. You aren't alone!

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vicki5897 4 years ago from South suburbs of Chicago

Great hub! I really think this gets to the bottom of things and the emotions we all go through when we suspect that someone isn't being quite who they say they are. I have been misled a lot in the past as well. My problem is, I'm am trying not to let my past ruin what could be a good thing in the present with someone else. I always seem to give them the benefit of the doubt but still approaching dating and relationships on the negative side because of my inability to trust. I am actually seeing a guy now who seems to be a poor communicator and like you've mentioned, tossing out bread crumbs just to keep me hooked. I have confronted him about this a few times already yet he seems to get upset by it saying that I am always negative and that he really does like me, but he's been busy. I believe that to a certain extent, but sometimes my gut-feeling tells me it's just an excuse. I've told him I can't do this anymore three times within the past 2 months, yet everytime he either calls me right away to talk it out or tells me that he cares if we went our separate ways. I am so confused now, but I am trying to focus on my own life without contacting him anymore. I will not initiate contact and he does just about everyday. This hub helped me understand that there are more out there than I've realized that feel the same way I do. Very useful! :)

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RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States Author

shorty: May you go on in your life and find happiness to the fullest!

shorty 4 years ago

relationship would have went on as far as stronger now an moving on,becuz i worthy of all i put into a Alicia keys would sing,,im moving on..know i am know,i deserve the happiness i never had, thx for so much ,i feel no more hurt an pain,only strength to

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RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States Author

Thank you for the comments. It is always difficult to admit to a mistake but exceptionally hard when it pertains to matters such as this.

Maria 4 years ago

It is a painful experience but you will recover from it. I know because I have experienced it.

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rdsparrowriter 4 years ago

Thank you for sharing :) It's very helpful .. God bless U!!

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RecoverToday 5 years ago from United States Author

LisaMarie: You are absolutely right! I am glad to share this information with you. Sometimes if it feels good it is not necessarily a good thing.

ILuvKenton: You are very welcome. Please pass it on.

ILuvUKenton 5 years ago from The corner of Forever and Heartbreak

Great job on this hub. Thanks for the advice.

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LisaMarie724 5 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

You really seem to get it, Bad Boys aka players are so exciting but rarely ever good for you. I enjoyed this very much.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Lita C: You are so right. If one uses caution in the situation and stop to think first, much anguish could be avoided. Thank you for your input.

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Lita C. Malicdem 6 years ago from Philippines

"Players" wearing masks are of many kinds. But they are of the same vein, liars and users. You trust them so honestly, then one day- you are betrayed. This happens not only about love, but also in any endeavor- in the family, in the workplace, everywhere! No matter how selective we would be on who to be with, chances are, if we give too much of ourselves, we would be hurt somehow. But a lesson was learned, no matter how hard it was! This is a good reminder for everyone to be extra careful with would-be "players". They can be detected, if we are positive thinkers.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Vibhavare: Thank you for your comment. You are correct, the pattern of "throwing a few crumbs for some cake later" seems to keep the person hanging on for dear life. I do hope this article can open the eyes of someone who may be a victim. Thanks.

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Vibhavari 6 years ago from India


This is really insightful for the many people who are stuck in a relationship pattern of getting a few crumbs thrown to keep them hooked with the hope they would be getting the cake later..and sadly this can go on for a long time and by then your self esteem is so badly damaged you start to wonder if you can ever trust again!

Thanks for all those insights you have put in this hub.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Heart4theWord: You are so right. Being around a manipulator can and does 'wise a person up'. However, women, being the trusting souls we are, tend to ignore the warning signs when blinded by their feeling. Hopefully, others will learn to see that 'big red flag' you talk about and run! Thank you.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Harvey S: You are correct in your assumption that this hub is partly about my own experience in life, with a few lessons I learned talking with others. That is why I whole-heartedly have made an effort to assist others to take heed of the warning signs to avoid being 'played'. I thank you for your honesty but I prefer to write as an objective observer, as all my writings are not taken from personal experience alone.

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heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

Learning from your mistakes! Being around a person, who is a manipulator sure wises a person up! After experiencing this kind of treatment, you learn to see the signs, at first glance. Like a big red flag...waving in your face! Life informative hub:)

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Harvey Stelman 6 years ago from Illinois


I don't know if my original comment went through, so here goes.

This article is about yourself, nothing to be embarrassed about. As the old saying goes; "live and learn."

You have given all that read this (and haven't experienced it) a good deal to think about. Still I say; Be yourself; why change for others? I wrote a song abot that years ago. Just keep your eyes and your mind clear to think.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Kaie Arwen: Thank you for a good observation. You are correct in the theory that a lot of women tend to deceive themselves. This is where empowerment of the woman is important; to learn new skills in choosing what man to get involved with and which men are 'healthy'. In addition, learning to LISTEN to the warning signs and OBEY them when they first appear. You are so right in you description that men who tend to be players are nothing more than arrogant! It is one of the traits of a true 'player'. Thank you for a really informative comment!

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

donotfear: I am sorry you were manipulated in this way. Hopefully you were able to learn and recognize that not all those who claim to be honest are truthful. The self-centeredness goes along with the role of 'player'. It is a pattern that, for some, is easily recognizable and for others, is apparent, yet they cannot see it because of what you state: temporary blindness to logic. Thanks for reading and glad to inform you.

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Kaie Arwen 6 years ago

Most of the women I know who fell for "players" tended to deceive themselves rather than be deceived. It's alright to be naïve, but choosing not to see is something completely different. That doesn't mean that the definition of "player" isn't well deserved by those who carry it, but men who strive for that title will rarely end up happy in the long run, those who deem themselves players are nothing more than arrogant, and those who earn it; they're a name I won't use here; pick one........... it'll fit!

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donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks

Oh I ever relate to this one! This is good advise for single folks. It's a battleground out there....

You know, this reminds me of somebody I knew once who played the heck outta me. I mean I was so naïve I couldn't see through the BS lines he was feeding me. And what you say here is true.....I too was blinded, literally, by my feelings and got caught up in the excitement of it. What a loser, and self-centered as all get out. Heck, I'm ranting again. Residual effect from my rant hub! Thanks for the read.

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

habee: Thank you for your comment! It certainly is a difficult lesson to learn though, isn't it?

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Great hub! Been there, done that, but I sure learned a good lesson!

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

Art 4 Life: Thanks for the encouraging comment. You are right. It is a normal human trait to want attention. Sad that so many get caught up in the emotion/excitement and forget about the consequences. Thank you for commenting.

Art 4 Life profile image

Art 4 Life 6 years ago from in the middle of nowhere....

Great hub, I have been played before too, I think it's a normal human trait to want someone to pay attention to you, to gratify you, emotionally and sexually...especially if you are in an emotionally or sexually drained relationship..You give wonderful advice...very well written and informative~ I rate you up!

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RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States Author

GlassSpider: Thanks for the read. Glad you found the information helpful.

DjBryle: Glad this writing style kept your attention. Let's just hope others who have read it can be helped in some way.

strickly dating: Coming from you this is a great compliment!

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stricktlydating 6 years ago from Australia

Great advice!

DjBryle profile image

DjBryle 6 years ago from Somewhere in the LINES of your MIND, and HOPEFULLY at the RIPPLES of your HEART. =)

This is a very helpful hub, written in a manner that keeps your reader interested all the time. Thanks for sharing. =)

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TheGlassSpider 6 years ago from On The Web

There's some excellent advice for examining one's situation here, and you've laid it all out very nicely. I love the poll, and especially how everyone's on one side or the other...there are none in the middle.'ve either been played or NOT, darn it. Thank you for popping over to my hubs and becoming a fan! I'm looking forward to reading your hubs.

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