Tips and Advice to a New Bride

I know, I know, I am not a young bride anymore. I do have 28 years of experience and memories as a wife under my belt, though. Marriage takes work and is not easy in the beginning. Both husband and wife are used to living their way or their family’s way. They bring in their own expectations, and sometimes it is disappointing and/or infuriating.

Control

How many of us gals like things our way? Admit it. We want the house to be a certain way. We want the glasses in the cabinet on the right side of the sink. We want the bed to be made each morning. We want the toilet paper turned with the role going down. Yeah, you know who you are.

As a young bride, you have to pick your battles. Trust me, someday the little things will not matter because you and the hubby will have created your own home and will have started doing things the way you both approve.


Learn from My Mistakes

My husband and I used to argue about how the towels were folded. My mother taught me to fold them long-ways and in a simple square. His mother taught him the tri-fold. It was a silly argument, but we were both trying to figure out how things needed to go. One day, he stopped folding the towels and any laundry for that matter. As a young bride, you might think you have won, but in reality you have lost because you are now stuck with the job of laundry. Do not be such a perfectionist.


Silly Expectations

One night I was coming home from work, and all I could think of was how I wanted to make burritos with all the fixings – sour cream, salsa, olives, cheese. My mouth was watering by the time I got home. I walked in the door and my husband was standing at the stove. “Hey Honey, I fixed us an omelet tonight.”

I should have been gracious about it, but my heart was set on burritos. Silly young girl that I was, I put up a fuss and complained that I wanted burritos and not his omelet. He threw the pan in the sink, with the omelet still in it, and walked out. Do you know what else? You guessed it, he never cooked again until we bought a grill, which was a few years down the road because we were poor.

Both of these silly situations had long-term effects that I caused.


Today

When you have been married for a while and especially when you have kids, you figure out that it is just nice to have folded towels and any kind of meal on the table. Finally, now he does help me do things but because I nit-picked him in the beginning, he quit doing things for me. I cannot blame him a bit. It was wrong of me to expect things to be my way. When we nag our husbands then later our kids, they give up because they don’t feel they can get things right. So, stop, think, rationalize, and do not create a mountain out of a mole hill.

Final Thoughts

Be happy with what you have and that things get done at all. Do not worry about the little things. And, again, pick your battles wisely. There is responsibility that goes with being the queen. If you want to keep the status, be kind to the king of the castle. It pays off big time as you grow in your marriage together. Learn how to share. You didn’t marry him to control him. You married him because you fell in love with who he is.

Obviously, my husband and I got over those humps and are still married today. Make it easy on yourself and don’t let the tug-a-war begin.


© 2011 Susan Holland

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Comments 35 comments

Guanta profile image

Guanta 5 years ago from New York City

Hi sholland10, thanks for the reminder. You are so right. I spent many years trying to change my husband to conform to what I thought would be the 'perfect couple,' and of course, it did not work. He was clever though, he would "yes" me to death and then ignore my requests. I have since learned to relax. Thanks again.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Hey Guanta,

We girls can lose sight of what we have, and I guess the guys can too. We just have to love each other for who we are, not what we wish the other should be. Marriage is always a work in progress (with lots of love). :-) Thanks for reading!!


d.william profile image

d.william 5 years ago from Somewhere in the south

Wonderful hub. Good advice. One can apply this advice to other parts of their lives as well: your job, your friends, roommates, etc.. It will work with all of them. And, i too, have alienated some dear friends for those exact reasons when i was of a much younger age. Today, i never criticize (well perhaps i do offer a little 'friendly advice' at times), or judge anyone for what they do, or who they are. People are more apt to accept you as a friend when you do these things, and you become a much better person for it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks, D.Williams! It is so true that we can apply this scenario (true story) to other parts of our life. It relieves so much stress when we are not so strict in our ways or, in the case above, spoiled. LOL I have looked back on that story many times. We should respect how others do daily things because it really does not make a difference as long as it gets done. We can all use a little appreciation at times. It goes a long way in mending fences. ;-) Thanks for commenting and for dropping by. :-)


Giselle Maine 5 years ago

Wow, great advice and I appreciate your honesty in sharing your story. It takes a strong person to do that. This is something every new bride should read!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks, Giselle. I put it on Reddit, and I had two girls tell me that it was bad advice because their fiances would never do what my husband did and said very unkind things. One said it was advice out of the 1950s, and that I had placed all the blame on the bride - uh, no, read it again. LOL I guess it is old fashioned, but when you are married, you have to work together instead of picking on little things. Thanks for your kind words. You look young, so that makes me feel much better after my Reddit attack. Thanks for dropping by!! :-)


Anaya M. Baker profile image

Anaya M. Baker 5 years ago from North Carolina

I think this is great advice, and is useful for both men and women! Sorry to hear about your bad reddit experience, I've noticed that sometimes the community over there can be a bit harsh.

I'll be getting married next spring, but we have been living together for two years now. It can be difficult to combine households when both partners are used to having things done their way.

I recently read a book called "For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage" which basically pulls together tons of data and research on couples and marriages--what works and what doesn't--and they talked about the exact issue you raised. Apparently while both men and women both fall prey to the nit-picking, its often women who do it more, and a lot of the couples studied who felt like the man didn't do enough to help out with housework or kids, the man often said that he felt it was difficult to jump in because he always "did things wrong." The researchers found that often the divisions of labor improved when the women learned to let up a little, that things might not always get done "right" but at least they were getting done!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Anaya,

Thanks for your wonderful response! It is hard for young couples to get used to each other. Hopefully, you and your fiancé have gotten through those bumps in the road already. Best wishes and CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming wedding. Thanks for dropping by!! :-)


Giselle Maine 5 years ago

Hi Sholland, just jumping back into the discussion... yeah I totally agree with Anaya that it seems really unfair that you got criticized on Reddit. After all, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say. Therefore your successful 28 yrs (and ongoing) experience as a wife makes you ideally qualified to give such advice. I would certainly listen to YOU over someone that had less marriage experience, any day! I agree that it doesn't sound like the complainers read your article properly anyway. Actually I think it took a lot of courage and humility to write what you wrote and I know that there must be many, many brides out there who will benefit from your advice. There will always be those who choose not to listen - it's their loss & their choice, don't sweat it.

Actually the real reason I wanted to jump back into the conversation is to add that these days people are getting married at all ages, and it is not so unusual for a new bride to be in her 40's, 50's or even older. So in addition to helping younger brides such as Anaya (and supposedly myself - thanks Sholland for the compliment saying I look young!) your article would be helpful to new brides of any age. Congratulations Anaya on your upcoming wedding!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Hi Giselle,

I think the Reddit girls were just young. They thought it sounded like 1950's advice. I'm not that old. I'm pretty sure 2011 - 28 years lands in the 80's. I just responded with a "LOL" response and went on. Just like I was when I was young and married, all that advice sometimes goes in one ear and out the other. Boy, did I learn quick and am still learning. LOL I am happy to share my mistakes if I think it might help. I am so glad you liked it. I could and may write more on the topic. And in your picture you do not look like you could even be in your mid 20's. We women need to enjoy the age we are in because later we don't want to have to laugh at ourselves too much. I remember my husband gave me roses on my 25th birthday with a card that said, "Happy Quarter of a Century!" I cried and now I look back and think, "You foolish girl!!" and laugh. :-) I am so glad you jumped back into the conversation because it makes me smile to remember those times.

And, Anaya, I hope you write about your wedding with pictures. I am sure there will be some good wedding advice you can give.


Giselle Maine 5 years ago

Thanks for your response Sholland. I will have to look out for any more hubs you may write on the topic. About my pic, it is so sweet of you, but I was actually in my early 30's when my profile pic was taken, and was 5 months pregnant at the time although that doesn't really show on the head shot. (Now I'm in my later 30's with 2 young kids.) My husband and I have been married about 6 years and your advice is definitely helpful to me. I look forward to reading your future hubs.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

You are aging very well (I hate to call it "aging" - I'm still in denial - LOL). Must be those little ones that keep us young. I loved having my kids around, especially when they were older. My best advice is very general and simple and cliché: Enjoy every minute. :-)


Giselle Maine 5 years ago

Sorry to keep coming back all the time, but your comments are so intriguing. My attention was grabbed by your comment about your memories of your kids. Have you ever thought about writing a relationship advice hub for how husbands and wives can keep the relationship going well in the everyday things, after kids arrive? I'm finding that it can be so hard to have a proper conversation between husband and wife when it's dinner time and the baby is smearing food all over himself and the toddler is demanding more milk! Anyhow just an idea if you ever were planning on writing in this type of category. I could certainly use the advice!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Giselle, I feel very honored that you are coming back and am enjoying our discussion. I am sure I could write a hub about keeping the husband and wife relationship fresh while trying to balance marriage with raising children. I just never thought about it, so thank you for the idea. It is a juggling act trying to keep that balance in life. I'll give it a shot. Thanks! :-)


moonlake profile image

moonlake 5 years ago from America

Good hub enjoyed reading your advice. It is all so true the little things don't matter. Men get their feelsing hurt very easy. When their trying to help it should be appreicated. When your young you don't realize that. We are still married after 49 years.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thank You, Moonlake! We were both wrong many times with our behavior, but that is the spice of marriage and the trials that make it stronger. Congratulations on your 49 years! I am sure you could add some great advice. Thanks for dropping by! :-)


moonlake profile image

moonlake 5 years ago from America

Sorry about that feelings is what I meant to say.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Moonlake, I did not even notice it. That is just how our brains work. I read your "When We Were Young" hub, and loved it!


msshandriaball profile image

msshandriaball 5 years ago

great hub for newly weds.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 5 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks, Msshandriaball! I think letting others know what happened to me might have some value because we are just ordinary people. Thanks for dropping by! :-)


JoshuaDR profile image

JoshuaDR 4 years ago from Charleston, SC

I really need to get my fiancé to read this! =)We live together now so maybe this could be helpful.


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Hi Josh! You might want to be careful how you present it. It could backfire on you. I am glad you found it helpful. :-)

Thanks for dropping by and reading!! :-)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

All great points! I have had some similar experiences - my husband and I will be having the anniversary of our first date in a couple days - 19 years and counting! lol

I think the beginning was so much harder than now - boy once you get past that 15th year - you really know each other better:) haha!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks, Kelly! Congrats on the 19 years. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary of our first date on New Year's Eve.

You are so right about the beginning being hard. When you are both young and trying to share your life by bringing in your individualism, there can be some snags along the way. It is great when you get over those speed bumps! Not that there aren't a few speed bumps later; they're just not quite so high in the road. :-)

Thanks so much for dropping by and sharing!! :-)


Rolly A Chabot profile image

Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

Wedding days are for remembering each day. Still new at it, just 8 years here but loving each day like it is the first.

Well written and thanks for the memories...

Hugs from Canada


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Hi Rolly! Congratulations on your 8 years. I am glad you liked it.

Thanks for dropping by! :-)


Trsmd profile image

Trsmd 4 years ago from India

Great tips for the brides based on your experience and it will really help everyone, who read this page. Thanks for SHARING:)


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Trsmd, thanks for dropping by!! I appreciate you reading the hub! :-)


the clean life profile image

the clean life 4 years ago from New Jersey Shore

Thank you so much for writing this hub. Great advice indeed to the new bride. I will pass this along to my daughter which is getting May 2012.Voted Up and Useful!!!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks Mark! Consideration goes a long way. I learned that the hard way. LOL Best wishes to your daughter and her new marriage. :-)

Thanks for dropping by and the votes! :-)


the clean life profile image

the clean life 4 years ago from New Jersey Shore

You are very welcome and I will send your best wishes to my daughter for sure. Very exiting time in all our lives :)


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Absolutely! :-)


emilybee profile image

emilybee 4 years ago

Wow I'm like you, a 2 fold towel girl, and he was brought up tri folding, but the thing is he now does the 2 fold! Can picture myself wanting the burrito too...but sometimes you just got to eat the omelet :-) Voted up & sharing.


BizGenGirl profile image

BizGenGirl 4 years ago from Seattle

I definitely voted up and interesting. Sounds like you've got a wealth of relationship experience to share with us readers =)


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri Author

Thanks, BizGenGirl! I have been at it for many years. LOL I appreciate you stopping by! :-)

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