Why are women supposed to accept / follow the 'Rules'...

Do Indian men need to change their 'obsolete' mind set?

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Why are women expected to accept and follow the 'rules' set by their male counterparts? Here, I am referring only to married women (for the time being). Why are they expected to be the consensual or mute partners in a situation which invites argument or at least a discussion? Why does it create an unpleasant and uncongenial environment in the house, if a woman even makes an attempt to speak her mind? Is it the price, she pays for having a mind of her own? Perhaps, men, in some parts of the world, have still not been able to reconcile with the fact that women are intellectually and spiritually stronger than their male counterparts. It is an established fact which does not need to be substantiated with any evidence, whatsoever. Perhaps they get a perverse pleasure in abusing women, who they share their lives with. Possibly, it gives a boost to their male ego, in a scenario where women are seen taking a lead everywhere, be it home or work place.

Marriage no longer a Holy union!

It makes me wonder sometimes if this has been the prime reason for the debacle of the institution of marriage, which used to be revered as a pure and Holy union of two souls, once upon a time. The educated and economically self reliant women of today, are finding it tough to carve a place for themselves in their matrimonial homes, especially when they are expected to be subservient to their husbands and the in-laws. Here, again, I am strictly confining myself to Indian families. I could have used the word 'Eastern' instead of 'Indian' but I doubt if my observations would have applied to such a broad spectrum of people. As such I am portraying only Indian 'marital set ups' here. In the past two decades, I have seen women changing, drastically, as far as their overall attitude towards life and handling situations is concerned. They have become smarter and more vocal than ever before. The irony, however, is that their male counterparts have not changed a wee bit.

Growing Divorce rate.

This has, perhaps, been the root cause of the ever increasing divorce rate (including judicial and out of court separations ) in the Indian families. In a span of almost twenty years of legal practice, I witnessed this society passing through a difficult transition, which finally culminated in the evolution of an absolutely confused and a chaotic breed. Sandwiched between the growing financial needs of their families and their own chauvinism, the men, on one hand, permitted their wives to work for money, and on the other, still demanded to be treated as the 'Lord of the house'. This was the stage, in the transition, where the problem (least expected) crept in, unnoticed in the initial phase, but surfacing in the later stage, after having dug its poisonous jaws in the deep rooted culture of the society. To understand the situation better, let us consider a girl and boy, from almost the same family background, growing up in almost the same kind of environment, getting the same kind of education and then earning same kind of work experience or expertise in any relevant field. Would it not be unreasonable and irrational to expect the girl to (even) fake subservience, when she steps into her matrimonial home? A word of caution! Here, we are only speaking about 'subservience' which has nothing to do with 'politeness' and other virtues, which every human being is supposed to possess.

Marriage is not a boxing ring...

Is it unreasonable to expect the young woman, having a head on her shoulders, to ask for some convenient changes in the household or to disagree on certain issues which her mind does not accept as being right? In my opinion, marriage is supposed to harness mutual understanding and respect for the opinion of the better half, apart from having other essential ingredients like love, care, support and compassion. It, in no way, has to be a boxing ring where each participant focuses on winning the fight (or argument) and making his adversary lick the ground. How can one expect a marriage to survive if it is devoid of all the essential elements which are responsible for making it a blissful experience. A balanced society is supposed to have both it's limbs functioning in harmony rather than, against each other. How can a lame and a limping society be expected to progress and carve a niche for itself in the fast moving world of today? More to come in forthcoming articles. All comments ...appreciated.

Women are supposed to follow the rules

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Comments 78 comments

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Anjali- I would not speak for the whole of the country but from my own personal example. None of my cousins who are girls have any marital issues nor have I heard about this being such a huge phenomenon. My Dad is a judge and mom a lawyer. And when my mom goes to family courts she would get upset with so many cases but that is just like a Doctor going to a hospital and saying that all Indians are unhealthy because he/she finds so many people their. If you take the absolute numbers it wouldn't be the same. And also your first description of all Indian men hurts so many people who have wonderful male family members. Here in a temple I once met an American girl who married a Hindu boy from India because of his clean habits and nice nature.

Most of the times where we are is largely due to our own making(&attitudes) and if we don't introspect/change then nothing is going to improve in future too. As they say ”When we change the way we look at things then the things we look at change" Maybe you have suffered some personal setbacks which is preventing you to be objective about it. I pray and wish for you to have peace of mind.

Happy New Year 2009. May God bless you with Health, Wealth and Happiness.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Hi Countrywomen!

First of all, can I know your real name? I would feel more comfortable that way, but again that's entirely your choice.

In your last post, you had rightly remarked that one's views are formed on the basis of one's own experiences. I can only say that you should consider yoursellf fortunate if you have had good experiences in your life. Whatever I write should not hurt my community, as facts cannot be denied. I am not sure if you have ever had a chance to live in Northern part of India (I apologize for bringing it down to regions now as there is a stark difference between the two regions) especially the Metro. Things are real bad out there. Down south, people are still holding on to their values, culture, religion and spirituality but up North, I believe all these concepts have become outdated. I wish you had a chance to see that side too. 

VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

I love culture, so, I am drawn to talk or articles that speak of the experience of people in other parts of the world; it helps me to be more understanding.

I must mention, since in your profile you indicate you live in NY, that I lived in NY for most of my life, until my move to the West Coast 4 years ago, and in NY as you know, there is a large Indian community, so, through my sister who is a business woman, we came in contact with Indian merchants, and many of them were women. One thing that impressed sis, is that the women were very empowered and bright, not subversive to their men, one lady actually was instructing her husband what to do in the store. It seems times are changing for some women, but in every culture there is the group that is left behind, either because of location (as in isolation from the city) or poverty.

Thanks for sharing.

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Anjali- I will send an email with those details if you want but online I am not comfortable with revealing more than I already have about myself in my other hub that you have read.

I have finished my 12th from a KV in South Bombay. Anyway I have not stayed in north but have traveled extensively their for vacations. Yes I am aware that their would be different perceptions for different sets of people depending on their brought up and experiences. I sincerely hope you have good experiences and Happy New Year. May God bless you with health, wealth and happiness.

tpsatheesh 8 years ago

i dont .

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Violet Sun: Thx for reading my article. Your observation about Indian women living in USA is absolutely correct. Things change... perceptions change when there is a change in the 'environment' (environment includes all aspects ...emotional, fiscal, geographical etc). I had confined myself to conditions in India, especially Northern part where people have evolved as a onfused breed, caught up between spiritual discourses and MTV. They have perhaps forgotten who they are anymore. I'll certainly try to cover this in detail in my forthcoming articles. Thx Again.

To countrywomen: It was good to know that you are from Bombay. My relatives too are in Bombay and I am aware of Maharashtran (Bombay) culture---totally simple, honest, God-fearing and down to earth people. I wish you all the happiness and success from the bottom of my heart. You haven't even started your life as I know now that you are just out of high school. I admire your perception at your age and considering your age, I don't want to make things look so complicated to you. As it is, everyone learns from his/her own experiences; you still have a long way to go. All the best!

SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

I agree with many of your points anjalichugh because quite frankly men and women should be treated as equals. Great hub.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Thx SweetiePie

We'll be in touch now.

SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

Just this year my brother in law is starting to get what it means to be equals in a marriage.  In the past my sister used to do all the cooking, cleaning, and helping with homework assignments, but since they were both working full-time this is a strain on her.  Now he is helping out more from what I have heard, which is a good thing.  Guys, just help your wives more often and everyone will be happier all around.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Dear SweetiPie: I perfectly understand what you are saying. Believe me, it's not only the 'household chores' aspect but the overall attitude towards wives, which is atrocious. Our community desperately needs to make some change in the age old system. Thx.

SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

I also understand now reading this more closely you meant families from Indian background.  I am mixture of Syrian, English, Welsh, French, and Native American, but even these groups can have been with very machismo ways of thinking.  My dad was half Syrian so he saw his dad act very traditional with the expectation for the woman to do all the cooking and cleaning.  My dad has never cooked much actually, he just expects my mom to do it.  My brother in law did not really grow up with his dad, so I do not think he had good role models.  I know what you mean, across all societies people need to ensure women ane men are treated equally in all areas.

Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 8 years ago from West By God

Great Hub and thought provoking. In my experiences I find it has alot to do with religion too.

STRANGER 8 years ago

A totally biased opinion and write up. Disappointing

Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 8 years ago from West By God

Hey STRANGER, care to tell us why it is biased from just one opinion or experience?

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

SweetiePie: It's really encouraging when someone understands your view point. Regarding this article of mine, I have, as expected, invoked many positive and negative comments. I personally feel that the people who didn't agree with my observations are those who know nothing about that particular group of people which had been referred to in here. I cannot even ask my friends (internet family) to interact with those people and find out for themselves, just beacuse mere interaction does not reveal those hidden things which get exposed only when you share your life with them. I am deeply touched by your interest in my hub. Keep in touch. Hugs!

Lady Guinevere: Thanks a lot for your appreciation. You are right in what you stated but I don't want to go into that aspect. Sometimes most of us have a habbit of discarding / disregarding facts just because it doesn't suit us or just because our already programmed mind treats it as virus and dumps it in a garbage bin. I have replied to Sweetie Pie's comment also (as u see in this box only). Please go thru that also before leaving my hub. Very nice of u to have stopped by. Keep coming.

STRANGER : I appreciate your comments. I guess you might want to read the replies I posted for Sweetie and Lady Guinevere, here in above. That might serve the purpose. Thx very much.

guidebaba profile image

guidebaba 8 years ago from India

Thanks for the warning. I have no plans to set any rule for my "To Be" wife. She will be free to take any action. At the same time she will be responsible for all her actions. Of course I will always be there for her. Just wish I get me "Dream Girl".

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Thanks for making me smile. I didn't mean to scare men in any ways. All I intended was to request menfolk to be more human and understanding towards their wives. First of all there should be no place for a dogmatic concept like 'following the rules' in a marriage; second of all it just takes love and human compassion to make the marriage successful. It's as simple as that. 'Love begets love'..a simple principle which everyone seems to have forgotten. Women just need love nothing else. Now please don't drag me into issues like ...'is money and luxury not important?' All said and done, one needs to know how to strike a balance in life. Money is important but DO NOT trade your real happiness for it. Keep in touch.

STRANGER 8 years ago

It is with a reason that why I refer this as biased and disappointing, Let me prove it statistically first. In one of your replies to the COUNTRYWOMEN, you have accused North Indian families that they are cruel(or not friendly with newcomer) or unwelcoming towards women which is not only nonsense but also an irresponsible statement in this blog. Statistically speaking, the north india covers the 40% of india with a population base of as much as 40 crores covering from Rajasthan to Assam.And the pending divorce caes in all these courts is not even touching 4lakhs i.e. 0.1% of the total north indian populace. I m sure that all these divorce cases are not only because of men's misbehaviour with women. I am capable of giving u tons of examples in north ndia where women are not only abusing dowry and other related laws but also involved in torturing and harassing the north india families.

I can also produce examples in north india where women are more dominating than their men counterparts in all the fronts including home, office, business etc.

You are not supposed to malign the entire north india thru your blog by issuing such biased statements. You have to take back your statement or else a regionwise agitation would be launched with some political help against your article and this blogsite.you have to be specific while touching such sensitive issues.

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Anjali- I thought you read my earlier hub since you did comment in it : http://hubpages.com/education/What-I-want-you-to-k...

When I said I did my 12th from Bombay I just meant to say that although I am South Indian I didn't spend all my life in South (and also I am now 25 although I would love to remain the sweet sixteen forever)...LOL

Stranger- I was able to achieve some goals in my life since my father was very supportive of my decision to study further and stand on my feet to pursue a career(If it wasn't for him I would have been married by now). Yes I agree generalizing isn't a good thing. But my friend please don't take her perceptions too personally. Even sometimes I feel sad for many women who have little control over their own lives to take even basic decisions in many parts of the world including India.

Happy New Year everyone.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Hello Stranger!

Good to have you back. I would have liked to know at least who is the person I am responding to. It's almost like groping in the dark. I am really overwhelmed by the response I am getting from so many readers; negative or positive--doesn't really matter. All what matters is knowing the thought process. Now coming back to what I wrote. First of all, if you read the article again, you'll see that it focuses on the reason behind increasing rate of divorce in Indian Community; I never mentioned the region in my article but in response to the comment posted by 'countrywomen', I had to explain to her the difference we have in North & South region. Initially, I intended bringing the whole issue under one fold (meaning one country) as I am communicating with diverse communities (in USA) who don't sometimes understand the difference in culture, lifestyle and thought process, we have in our country. However, I was forced to explain this in more detail when a young 12th grade girl (countrywomen) posted a comment. To me she seemed to be a young vibrant, enthusiastic girl, who was far away from certain ground realities of life. In one of my replies to her, I had even mentioned that she still had a long way to go (don't remember if that was on her hub or mine).

I understand your annoyance very well. It seemed that you took it in a wrong perspective. My only intention was to express my views about the reasons attributing to growing divorce rate. My intention was also to bring the attention of certain men who are responsible for such unruly behavior. There are problems in every community, as far maintaining the sanctity and longevity of the nuptial bond is concerned. Even western society has this problem. Everyone knows that hundreds and thousands of articles have been written about such issues in the past and they are still being published all over the world. Imagine how unreasonable would it sound if the western men decide to wage wars against such authors. My dear friend, your statistics are possibly not wrong but that does not constitute the absolute truth. My article was based on statistics of the cases which are filed everyday in the Indian courts (for divorce) and believe me I have not concocted anything out here.

I repeat the article is only about the reasons behind increasing divorce rate and the ways it can be curbed. After all India has been known world over, consisting of people who believe in the institution of marriage and if something is going wrong over there, it is our duty to make our contributions to make it right, in our own small way.

You are absolutely right in mentioning that there are women who are misusing the protection / rights given to them by the statute but that is another aspect which I had not touched in the article, keeping in view the length of the article.

I hope I could explain myself. Thx again.

STRANGER 8 years ago

My only question is if this is the problem in every comunity, be it eastern or western whatever then why did u choose North Indian in particular. u could have used or shared some general facts.The problem u r intending to highlight is penetrated to entire communities across the globe not to the north indians alone (as u stated in one if your replies to countrywomen)

I as a north indian (so u r no longer groping in the dark) wont allow anyone to put a square blame to entire community or to entire region.

I m sorry for being harsh on this but that is what u have forced me to be.

Countrywomen: I admire your thoughts and I m not taking anything at personal level. but when it becomes the issue for maligning the entire community by someone thru some personal reasons(may be) then things are o be taken in a serious personal manner.

Hope my point of view is clearer.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Stranger: Ok at least now I know that you are from North. Well that was otherwise also clear from the way you so passionately commented about certain things which you didn't like in the write up. Why do you want to remain in hiding? All of us would love to have some more details about you. I think it's a legitimate expectation after exchanging our views to such an extent. I have always appreciated people who are forthright in their opinions. However, its entirely your choice.

Ok..why did I not make it generic? I think I have no right to speak about a community of which I have never been a part of. Moreover, as I already mentioned, there is already lot of stuff written about other communities.

You have been reading my replies to 'countrywomen' posts so intently, then you would have possibly read that I mentioned to her also that down south, people are still humble, modest, God-fearing, spiritual, simple and honest (well bad elements are everywhere but let's evaluate it generally). They still believe that God would punish them if they do something wrong. Do you find such people up in North (what is the percentage)? I won't answer for you but I would really appreciate if you give a balanced, considerate and honest answer, without getting agitated.

There are definitely bad women also out there but I have seen such brutalities (more mental than physical) committed by men on their wives with my own eyes which I cannot discuss in this forum. I can only hope that we talk about it some other time. For the time being let's take it in a right perspective and as countrywomen said in a post (addressed to you) that there are women who get to live a kind of life which they don't deserve and we should keep our eyes open and our minds flexible enough to accept that such horrible things are happening around us, whether we like it not.

Wouldn't you agree with me that girls grow up accepting the fact that a man is supposed to be the lord of the house. You mentioned earlier that some women have abused their rights under law; I agree. You too should not shy away from the glaring fact that some men have really abused their authority, which devolved upon them as a result of what has been written in our scriptures. We can go on and on here but it would be wise to wind up for the time being.

Happy holidays and a great year ahead!

Laila Rajaratnam profile image

Laila Rajaratnam 8 years ago from India

Anjalichug, I totally agree with you and then, like you I can only speak of the Indian attitude and mentality. Yes, women have changed whereas men have not! :) I am not saying that all the men are like that but most are! There is a price which women pay for having a mind of her own, but as time goes by, both learn to cope and adjust. With age, ‘subservience’ does not sound so very bad as we still have the security of family and home. We used to call it adjustment! I know if I was to fall ill today ,I can count on my in-laws, my husband’s nephews, my sisters, my children and husband to be around me. But of course , when I was younger, I used to get annoyed and get all worked up with this attitude shown by men even in social circles like Rotary, where they resented women doing better in social service as well .I found that totally maddening! Whereas the modern generation girls do not like compromises! I should know, as I have a married daughter!:)

STRANGER 8 years ago

I m feeling that I hv landed up in a forum or a planet precisely which is governed by some women who possess a total biased opinion against men. May I know the parameters of this generalization. I wd like to know that how many families u hv visited in india and on what basis u hv drawn lines for north indians. The plus and minus is everywhere but the way u r categorical abt north indians that is strictly objectionable.U share your survey data with me and I will instantly provide u the contradictory data and that is a promise.

U mean to say that the oppression against women is absent in southern part of india as the people are God fearing in that part of continent and suppression is more prevalent in northern part as the people there are of Devilish nature.

If this is so, then the south indian women must hv been living without any security fear and of course with pride too. But this is not the fact. Now, can u account for the crime against women in south india. My dear, if u again come to statistics then u will find that the fair sex related crimes are more in that part.

Accusing one region (or community) is very easy and simple while writing in a blog and that too in an isolation. If u r really interested in raising such issues then forget class/community/religion/regions/countries. Raise and highlight in totality and give your precious support to all women across the globe.

So, please dont direct your missile to north indians. I will also extend my support to u if u fight solely for the core issue without being biased on class/section/religion in a society.

I m surprised why my comment just preceding to this did not reach u.

guidebaba profile image

guidebaba 8 years ago from India

Anju, there is some STRANGER behind you !!!!

glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 8 years ago from Northern California

This is a great Hub for those who might not understand some aspects of the culture. Though you refer to Indian culture particularly, this is definitely something we see in Western civilizations as well :(

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Laila Rajaratnam: I completely agree that as we age we learn how to cope and adjust. That's perhaps true of almost every marriage. Thanks for visiting my hub. We'll be in touch.

STRANGER: I am sorry I hurt your feelings. I understand I would have reacted in the same manner if I would have read such an article about Indian women. There would have been a difference though. My way of retaliation would have been different. I appreaciate your support which you want to extend for helping distraught women all over the world. I'll certainly contact you in my coming project...in case you tell me where to contact you as I am not sure if my replies get posted to your e-mail id. Thx

guidebaba: Thx for stopping by. It doesn't matter if someone is after my life. It would have mattered when I was in 20's or in 30's not now. Lol.

glassvisage  : You are absolutely right but as I mentioned in my earlier posts that I did not want to mention other communities as that has already been so widely accepted & acknowleged. My only endeavor was to highlight prevailing conditions in areas which are less talked about. I had never comprehended that I would invoke criticism to such an extent. Thx for visiting my hub.


STRANGER 8 years ago

my email id: strng54@aol.com

GUIDEBABA: This stranger is behind u also.BEWARE!!!!!!!

guidebaba profile image

guidebaba 8 years ago from India

Age is not any matter dear. You are still so beautiful from head and heart. Enjoy your life and have fun. Cheers!

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

guidebaba : Thx very much for encouraging comments. I wish you all the very best in your life. I guess you are still not married, as you mentioned in one of your posts. May you get a wonderful, beautiful and vibrant companion to share your life with. Amen!

guidebaba profile image

guidebaba 8 years ago from India

You seem to be a nice family lady. I wish I get someone as beautiful as you as my life partner. Thank you for the best wishes.Amen and Khuda Hafiz. Bhagwan tumhe Khush rakhe.

Tom Koecke profile image

Tom Koecke 8 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

Hi Anjali!

I do not know much about Indian culture, or changes in trends in marriages in India. After reading the comments, though, it seems that there is some controversy in how much it applies.

However, your observations seem to apply to marriages in America where the divorce rates have soared over the past forty years. Some of it, undoubtedly, is attributable to how men treat women, or, more specifically, how husbands treat wives. I suspect a major part of the increase, though, is how couples treat marriage and commitment.

My grandparents and parents remained married until death. My siblings and I have each been divorced at least once. To that end, our divorces cannot be attributed to cultural upbringing. In my case, it was probably more attributable to accepted societal norms that divorce is a solution to problems in marriages. Problems that my grandparents and parents worked through and resolved were too difficult to resolve in a society that allows divorce for no reason better than one person wants divorce.

When I look at how we each are now, we both received that which we wished for. My ex has a really nice house and a new car, and a ton of debt that accompanies getting those things before their times. I have a rather simple life in which I work in a field that helps people at the sacrifice of an exhorbitant income. She wonders why there are so many chains in life, and I wonder why people choose to imprison themselves with debt in order to "live the good life."

I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out had we both been able to compromise. However, I never wonder if I would be happy with what she has, nor do I suspect she wonders if she would be happy with what I have. Whether or not we both could have found happiness somewhere in the middle is doubtful, for we both would not have that which we wanted.

In the end, though, it was not about equality. It was about how we each viewed marriage and commitment, and our inability to work through problems that generations before us were able to work through because of how those generations viewed marriage and commitment.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

I agree! I know the things which were mentioned in the article, do apply to American society as well but as I had mentioned in one of my replies (to a reader's comment, here in above) I did not want to speak about a community of which I have never been a part. Besides, much has already been written and discussed about it. You are right when you say that the 'commitment' factor and holding on to vows like 'till death do us apart' .. are missing these days in a marriage. Couples don't feel it necessary to tolerate each other's shortcomings. They somehow have started hammering on 'move on' principle. This definitely goes a long way in destroying the sanctity of the nuptial bond.

Fran Horvath profile image

Fran Horvath 8 years ago from Universal

anjalichugh, thank you for sharing your experience so openly and bravely. There is a deep hatred of men by women which began shortly after creation and we live with the expression of the memories today.

There is nothing we can do to change others. We do however, have the power and responsibility to change ourselves.

The beautiful thing about taking responsibility for everything in our experience is that it empowers us to change our reality.

Anything in our own experience is in us and therefore within our ability to fix. We fix ourselves and the outward expression, our life experience changes.

Our part is to clear up the memories that reside in us that we experience as problems. When we are clear - our experience changes. I am not saying you are responsible for all women-just yourself.

The problem is pervasive and the more of us doing our own part, cleaning up our own memories of hatred, fear, aggression, anger, whatever, the more the world becomes free of the experience.

You don't have to know what the memories are. In fact you can't possibly know. The purpose of releasing erroneous thoughts and memories is to allow us a clearer view of Divinity. We are perfect and so are the men you are experiencing as oppressive. It is just the memories-manifesting as our experience that are erroneous.

They are what keep us from seeing the Divine in ourselves and others.

Here is a simple prayer, created by Kahuna Morrnah Simeona, you can do to release erroneous memories:

"Divine creator, father, mother, son as one. If I, my family, relatives and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your forgiveness...Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations and transmute these unwanted energies to pure light. And it is done."

May you experience peace beyond all understand.



anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

HI Fran! "Clearing our memories which might be filled with all negative .....". That indeed is the only way out and that eventually makes us peaceful from within. I agree with you..we cannot change anyone except our ownselves. Rightly said. it's better to focus on strengthening ourselves rather than wasting our energies in fretting & fuming over the past. That's what I strongly believe in.

I loved your 'Namaste'. (Kisses & hugs to you)

Have a wonderful year ahead!

pgrundy 8 years ago

This is interesting. In the U.S. most divorces are sought by women--not all, but most. This happened about the same time the women's movement opened up equal rights for women here and women found they could get jobs. Even though women still make about 60 cents for every dollar men make here, many women still felt it worth it to divorce, even knowing they would make only half of what they had while married.

This really happened, and it still causes many people in the U.S. to blame feminists for breaking up families. But what really broke up families was equal opportunity. If you have to imprison a woman to keep her in your household, what kind of marriage is that? No one likes to be treated poorly, and anyone will take a chance at better treatment if they get it, male or female.

Your questions made me remember an uncomfortable incident that happened twenty years ago. I was divorced and had had a car problem, so I took the bus to work. An Indian woman who lived in my apartment building was on the bus and we introduced ourselves and chatted a bit. I was attending night school and had learned in a class there about the tradition of "sutee" (I think that is the name) and how it was now dying out but still happened on rare occasions in remote villages, so I asked her if she knew about that, was it true? Because to us here in the U.S. it seems so horrifying.

She just exploded, saying the only people who get divorced are Americans--Indian women never divorce because all the marriages in India are good. That wasn't even the question I asked her. I think maybe I came off as impertinent, though I didn't mean to--but clearly she was judging me, not the question so much. I thought to myself, my God, no country has ALL good marriages!

I felt bad about it, and yet, I got my answer I think.

All people deserve decent treatment and the right to speak their minds. I don't think marriage is obsolete but I think it is changing--the form is changing. It is changing here in the U.S. too, it's just a different culture so the changes are different. Thank you for your thoughts.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

What a thoughtful analysis! I have to agree with all what you said. The unfortunate part is that, more the women seek 'equality' (in terms of work opportunities or otherwise), more they expose themselves to the risk of losing a happy & comfortable family life. Things change when she steps up and expects to be treated with respect, like her male counterpart. Possibly, that is not tolerated.

pgrundy 8 years ago

It's true--You can't make anyone respect you. You can step up and ask for respect, but if it is denied then you have to decide what next? Live with disrespect and respect yourself though others do not? (Very hard but possible.) Or, leave and live on your own strengths and look for new people who do respect you? (Very hard too, and sometimes possible!) There are just no easy answers.

But everyone deserves to be valued and respected. That much I'm certain of.

Happy New Year Anjali!

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Pgrundy: 'One has a choice to live with disrespect or......' Very true!

Happy New year to you too. (Hugs & kisses)

fangji 8 years ago

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Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

I believe it's very sensitive discussion & I don't know any thing about Indian culture. Also I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings too. I therefore did some research on indian women's rights & I found thousands of links. After reading the first search result I was really shocked to read some of the information at this link. Now I think Angalichugh is very truthful about her situation & the problems she mentioned. Please read the information at this link & write some feedback.


Main search link about indian women's rights.


Sybille Yates profile image

Sybille Yates 8 years ago

Men are about power, women about strength, that's the difference - for me; feel free to be different ;-) SY

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

As far as the UK is concerned, I don't recognise what you see. And I wouldn't tolerate it at home, that's for sure!

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

LondonGirl: Thx for your honest comments. In so many ways, western world has been the blessed one. I sincerely hope that things change in other parts of the world as well.

ejb profile image

ejb 8 years ago from Kent

This was a really interesting read, especially with a feminist point of view on these issues such as my own.

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

I do, too. I think that in far too much of the world, women are second class citizens, both at home and outside it. This must change.

Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

Hi Anjalichugh, You ignored sybille yates and my comments, no feedback for our comments. I hope countrywomen read my comments too.

Psypo profile image

Psypo 8 years ago from India

You said "women are intellectually and spiritually stronger than their male counterparts"

I fully agree with that because telephone was invented by a woman called Alexander Grahambell, Electric dynamo was by another woman Michel Faraday. Albert Einstein is the other famous intelligent woman, so as Stephen Hawkins and V.S.Ramachandran.

Madam Curie is the man who proved to be intelligent in the world history.

About spirituality, first and foremost Jesus Christ, then Sree Budha, mahavira, Mohammed Nabi, everyone where women. Not even a single man in this list.


Dear friend, as far as I know ( I am a medical doctor ), the interconnections in female brain is more established than that of male brain. This peculiar feature give her an ability for multi-tasking, faster problem solving etc. In short, women has more general intelligence than man.

But, the absense of interconnections ( due to androgen induced disconnection during dovelopment ) is very much helpful in classified thought process and this makes certain part of his brain particularly the sterioscopic area of right temporal lobe to overdovelop. This give him more capacity to think in 3D.,..and for logical intelligence he is far better than her.

Man is not woman, and man can never be a woman ( and vice versa ). Both are different, and you can't compare. If you do it, it is same as comparing ipod with bulldozer.


Hope you are dare enough to publish this comment...



RGraf profile image

RGraf 8 years ago from Wisconsin

I don't know about all the different cultures or the physical/mental differences in males and females, but I do feel like we were made to compliment each other. My husband and I know our strengths and weaknesses and we submit to the other when it is their strength. We are partners. We succeed together and we fail together. Some cultures might be stronger in their feelings on this matter, but it is a problem across the globe, just at different levels.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Sybille Yates & Mr. Nice: I owe an aoplogy to both of you. Normally, I try to make sure that I reply to everyones comments but sometimes lapses just take place. Hope I'm pardoned for this. Your comments were encouraging and thx for that. In fact for this hub I got more criticism than applause and I should again thank both of you for not reacting adversely to the contents.

Rgraf: Pretty much right! If only the couples could always compliment each other, the world would have been a better place to live in.

Psypo: It's great to have a feedback supported with medical facts. I'm sorry I would not be able to offer my comments on the 'medical part' as I have no knowledge of actual 'anatomy' and the intricacies (in medical terms) of a human brain. This hub was only meant to highlight the behavioral patterns (to a limited extent though) of men & women in our social set up. Also, I feel there is a difference (although minor yet significant) between 'INTELLECT' & 'INTELLIGENCE'. This article speaks about 'intellect' so I should not even go into the hassle of providing you with the list of women who have excelled in technology, science and spiritualism.

Also, there wasn't anything in your comments which 'I would dare not publish' (as you said). Thx for visiting and giving your articulate comments.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

LondonGirl & Ejb: Thx very much for visiting and giving your comments.

easetravels profile image

easetravels 8 years ago from INDIA,TAMILNADU

The girls are changing and so their mothers inlaw also. Now a days the mothers in law treat their daughters in law as their own daughters.

1) The main reason for the changes are that the girls also work equally,like the boys.

2) They after coming home study like boys to equip themselves for the higher opportunities.

3) The girls allow the mothers in law to use all latest gadgets bought to their home.

4) The olden era mothers in law is feeling very proud of their daughters in law and they never utter a word even.

So much of freedom to the present women especially in south India to some extend spoil the good bondage of family also.

Please read my article "what a wonderful woman" and please comment.

mikeq107 8 years ago

Boy so many comments and as a male I have to Agree with lady That religion has been the prime factor in the degrading of the women. My wife and I are very independent and oringal thinkers and i love it...I was a great fan of Margret Thacther Pm Of GB, because she was bold and did what she said, I belive a healthy women and a healthy man, both stable and well balanced and using their God given talents are the greatest gift to this world and also a great threat to religion as it can not control them...ok thats it ...good night sleep tight :0)

Mike :0)

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

easetravels: This is an open forum and everyone's comments are welcome. People are not the same everywhere and so are not the experiences. Thx for visiting.

mikeq107: I agreed with the lady who said this and I again agree with you. Beyond this I don't want to explain for obvious reasons. It's a pity, however, a human being (man / woman) was created by God to have freedom (of mind and spirit) but we find everywhere that one human is responsible for curbing the freedom (to grow) of the other. It's a pain to see human spirit in bondage. Thx for visiting.

cgull8m profile image

cgull8m 8 years ago from North Carolina

Another great hub Anjali and great comments, divorces are very high in India compared to two or three decades ago, when they hear a divorce then they used to cringe but now it appears common place. And like Gordon Ramsey would say for cooking, "it is not rocket science", they just have to treat each other equal.

I wish there was a mandatory course before a marriage so each other can learn better to handle it.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

cgull8m: I wish there was such a course........ Thx for your kind words.

Elenoa profile image

Elenoa 8 years ago

:-) Well women are different cauz they a more wiser than men

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Elenoa: LOL! You are the first person who has openely said that (except me 'course). I've to agree.

mikeq107 8 years ago

Boy you ladies are a riot...but i have to agree that men have by their own false illusions of grandure have tried to subdue the female race , not all men but a lot, but God gave us all great talents to help and encourage each other and both sides have abused those gifts and freedoms.In other words God gave us free will and we gave him religious mind restricting institutions that have caused so many wars etc.

We are all wise, smart, beautiful and working together are so equal and wonderfuly made.....

Ok have a great Week fellow humans :0)

Mike ;0)

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

mikeq107: I hope your message reaches as many people as possible. There's so much you two can offer to others. Have a wonderful time ahead. Thx

Lgali profile image

Lgali 8 years ago

very nice hub

mikeq107 8 years ago


Thank you for the encouraging comments and it honestly is a true pleasure to meet you :0)

I admire your boldness and humilty and as long as you have these qualities and more you will learn and go to places so many have not even dared too ...life is for living and to have adventure and I am borrowing this from someone else...But when I meet God at the end I want to tell him I have used up all my talents that he gave me....yes I  do :):):):)

Have a great week!!!


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York Author

Lgali: Thx very much.

mikeq107: That's all what is required. Live life to the fullest so that you have no regrets in the end. God bless.

jayb23 profile image

jayb23 7 years ago from India

Hi Anjali, I guess you are being unfair to men, I have 7 cousin sisters and 6 of them are married and all are happy and let me assure you all of them have wonderful husbands. It seems you have had some bad experiences and that is what is hampering your views. Women today are more independent and I appreciate that, my mom is a working lady and the My dad is extremely supportive to her. Just make sure that you dont become prejudiced when you write and it is important to look from both sides. I did like your hub which prompted me to write such a big comment. Cheers

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

jayb23: That was very sweet of you to have mentioned about your sisters.

I know the way this article turned out, made everyone believe that I've had some bad experiences which prompted me to write such stuff. This is one of my old hubs and I stopped writing such articles after this one. I know I shouldn't have generalized the situation as was pointed out by various readers / critics who felt provoked after reading this. I know every man is different as is every woman. I don't want to create a repetition here. I've already said enough...explained enough in my posts to the comments herein above. Thx for stopping by and for sharing your experiences.

jayb23 profile image

jayb23 7 years ago from India

Hi Anjali, I did make out that it was one of your old hubs, and i went through all the comments, but nevertheless, a good hub which made people think and Iam very much eager to read your other hubs and learn the way you approach different topics. Although I have been writing since past 2years, Im new to hubpages. So looking forward to absorb as much I can from seasoned writers like you. Take Care. God Bless

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

jayb23: Thx for coming back. I really appreciate all that you said. Thx again.

wrenfrost56 profile image

wrenfrost56 7 years ago from U.K.

anjalichugh, another great hub and a subject I am very fond of, I love the way you presented your point's and I agree with them. I am not married and am fortunate enough to have a boyfriend that take's on board what I say even if he does not agree. Yet as you mentioned, a lot of women still do not have that privalidge, which is terribly sad. Thank-you for writing on this subject, I really enjoyed this hub.

wrenfrost56 profile image

wrenfrost56 7 years ago from U.K.

Another great hub and a subject very close to my heart. You presented your point's very well and I agree. Thank-you for writing on this subject it is very sad that some women do not have the right to speak their mind and I feel very fortunate that I am able too.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Wrenfrost: You've always been my favorite hubber for being my 300th fan (lol). I had even started a forum thread on this some time back but I guess you missed out on that one. Speaking for this hub, you're being generous and thanks so much for your kind words. Feel free to come back.

James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

I have never been drawn to nor wanted to have a subservient woman. I know this goes on in most of the developing world but I don't see it much here or in Europe. Things will probably evolve over there as the country modernizes further.

Your article is quite interesting and you are clearly a fine writer. I enjoyed this piece and learned from it.

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

James Watkins: I'm not sure how much time would the people over there, take to evolve as 'fine' human beings. Lot of rough edges...would take ages to smoothen out. The less I talk about it the better. Thx for dropping by and bringing this dead hub back to life. :)

neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

anjali anjali anjali my head reels.

i have read what you have to say and know for sure that i some families and with some men it DOES happen.I also agree that in the north the apparent bravado is more intense.YET

this seems to project an entire community and an entire people as wife haters which is not true.

i know for sure that like anywhere else in the world this is changing and the new age man is as much an Indian construct as an American one.If divorce rates are any paramater then the westshas treated its women worse than us.


Many men such as you describe exist who want the goodies the working wife can deliver and yet want to cover their insecurities by lording over them.maybe in your legal practice you came across more such men than the well adjusted ones and hence the bias.

i am in total agreement with yu on and the comments made er on two things.

1)My relatives too are in Bombay and I am aware of Maharashtran (Bombay) culture---totally simple, honest, God-fearing and down to earth people.

2)ou are still so beautiful from head and heart.

and wish to ask whteher everyone who says namaste gets hugs and kisses?

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 5 years ago from New York Author

@ Neelesh: Thank you for sharing your views. As you've noticed, a lot has been said already in the comment section. I guess it does not leave any scope for further explanation from my side. Your opinion is highly appreciated though. :)

VENZKHVAM profile image

VENZKHVAM 5 years ago from Milk way galaxy, trying to find a more adventurous place in another galaxy with my great followers

hi anjhalli different [personalities different opinion but i will in principle agree with you that women should be respected more and loved more and involved in fruitful constructive analysis for the development and improvement of the house hold and office works. but you cannot regularize the things on the basis of that in household chores and all. becoz it is also cool if a husband works sitting in house and wife working and earning. And infact iam lucky many times when she is not well and i try to help my wife making whatever is possible she doesn't like that. she says that is my department i DONT like a man to handle my kitchen. what i wanted to say is that it is upon the individual wish of the peoples involved in what they do. bride and the groom can have this discussion before getting into nuptial ties.no harm in it.that will avoid later clashes. but the underlining point for those women who shows maturity i always give first priority to listen to them.many a places women are my role model. how many sportsperson can come and go i can replace them with p.t.usha, steffi grpah and martina navarotilova. any way i understood one thing any thing relating to men and women attracts lot people good hub i voted up catch you later would like to hear from you in hubs too.

Johnjfernando profile image

Johnjfernando 4 years ago

I'm a guy and I find it completely erroneous for women to having to conforms to the rules that are set by men because any women who that does is insane for doing even though they feel unconfortable with it. I have a little sister who just did her first in university and she asked me recently about a boy she's been dating and the first thing I told her was that 'all men are pigs in this world.' I also explained that if he tries to control you in any way or you feel like that he is, you can back right away.

Anoop 4 years ago

I totally agree with anjali.Even i have that perception.. its the mans job to make things dirty and its the womens job to clean up the mess... Most men dont admit it but from inside women are no more than a maid servant in their mindset.Most men whom i know act like this only. From outside they act sweet but frm inside they think women cannot do much things and supposed to be just an unpaid maid who listens to mens order.. If u look at the world,its a male dominated one. In every are men are in front.. Look at world famous scientists,artists,musicians,composers,businessmen,sportsmen,army, etc... men are leading.. as long as women dont come up in these areas women will be treated as secondary.. I hope no one is hurt by my comments.. its just my views.. thats all.. take it easy and chill!!

anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 4 years ago from New York Author

Johnjfernando & Anoop:

Thank you both for expressing your views on this subject. There's nothing left to say as you can see almost every thing relevant has been discussed in the foregoing comments. :)) Thank you again for reading this hub.

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