When you have time read the following 2 hubs.
You are not paranoid! You are just afraid to start over!
Clearly you know you are not getting back the kind of love you want in a relationship, and yet you mention nothing about walking out. Instead you state you have thoughts of "killing "yourself"!
From what you have written he doesn't sound like someone who is worth dying for! (You do have other options)
You need to start working on "Loving Yourself" first and foremost.
It may help for you to find a therapist, read some books, attend some workshops...or do whatever it takes to reclaim Your Self Esteem.
Afterwards you need to remind yourself that there are over 6 Billion people on this planet and odds are in your favor that there is more than one who will love and appreciate you. You're too close to the forest to see the trees! Put things in their proper perspective.
(Imagine you had a daughter in the same type of relationship. What advice would you give her?)
When we see things in black and white we gain insight.
When we see things in gray it causes us to delay.
It's time for you to move on. Don't waste any more years!
"The world may not owe you anything, but YOU owe yourself the world!"
"When we change, our circumstances change."