I am going through a difficult time in my relationship

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   jessyferari1posted 12 years ago

   I am going through a difficult time in my relationship
   
   I have chosen to stay with my boyfriend, after what he did to me. I say I forgive him, but deep down I still feel betrayed and will never forget the humilation, but then I love him too much to let him go. for a bit I was cold and wasn't my usually happy and talkative self,.. he noticed and was not exactly happy about it. I losened up a bit with him when we talk but its still not the same. How do I forget completely and just move on without having to carry the weight of the past..

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   nycgrlposted 12 years ago

   Unfortunately you can never truly forget what happened. But you have to get to a point where you truly forgive him. And he has to also be truly sorry. If he isn't truly deep down sorry and willing to work his butt off to make it up to you and if you are not truly deep down forgiving of him then I will tell you right now that this relationship will not survive. Because you will resent him and he will hate you for resenting him and possibly repeat his bad ways. Sit down and discuss this openly and honestly and see where each of you is at.  It might not be a bad idea to take a small break from each other for awhile to reevaluate things. Good luck and I hope it all does work out for you.

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   tHErEDpILLposted 12 years ago

   Sounds like he did something to really hurt you, so this is my advice.  You will never forget it, and the relationship is it's over.  You can accept that now or you can hang on like a desperate loser who doesn't think she can find another man.  Relationships are temporary chapters of happiness in a story that has an ending of eventual unhappiness.  Break up, take sometime to figure out what you want to do next and move on.  I'm pretty sure they're other guys that want you.

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   Dr Billy Kiddposted 12 years ago

   There are several issues that you have to deal with when you are betrayed by a lover. The first (1) is that the nature of your love changes. You had selected your boyfriend from all the other possible guys, and now you see, possibly, the he didn’t quite feel the same way. So he did something stupid (went out on you, right?)
   
   What I’m saying is that--whatever he did--he didn’t feel especially loyal to you at the time, or he wouldn’t have done it. So, your crazy-love feeling for him is over, and you can’t get that back.
   
   That leads to the second issue (2): Perhaps you feel like you love your boyfriend but you’re not in love with him. This means that the thrill is gone. But you still care about his future and you still kind of feel like a friend. If this is so, then think about the next issue:
   
   Issue three (3) is that you’re having sex, and trying to get back in the groove of things, but it feels like the relationship is going nowhere. And it won’t unless he is very cooperative in sharing his honest feelings with you. That leads to the next issue:
   
   Issue four (4) is that this is about him as much as it is about you. If he doesn’t treat you like a best friend, and share his feelings, and his eyes wander toward other women, then there is no reward for being in this relationship for him or for you. And that means it’s over.
   
   So … think about these things. Take your time. In fact, give it 30 days. That’s what it takes to sort this kind of thing out.

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   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   There are a few statements you made that need to be addressed first and foremost.
   
   "I have (chosen) to stay with my boyfriend.."
   "I still feel betrayed and (will never forget) the humilation"
   "I (love him too much) to let him go..."
   "How do I forget completely and just move on ...."
   
   Essentially you are saying you're going to stay with this guy no matter what because you love him too much. You want to find a way to "pretend" that something never happened.
   A mature person does not ignore the past but rather they choose to learn from it.
   
   Anyone with a measure of self-esteem has "deal breakrs" or things they will not put up with from anyone. And yet you say, "I love him too much" (to ever leave him)
   What you're really saying is you don't love yourself enough!
   Had things been in reverse do you believe your boyfriend would be looking for a way to stay with you? To forget what you did?
   
   You deserve to be with a man who won't betray or humilate you. In your question you don't mention if your man "asked for forgiveness" or has made efforts to reassure you that it will never happen again. Instead you say (he was unhappy) with you for not being (your usually happy self). At any rate his behavior doesn't exactly indicate serious contrition.
   
   Since you have already decided you're not going to end the relationship I won't bother to tell you to move on. However I think one of my hubs may give you some insight to your "loving him too much."
   As for forgeting what someone has done you first must find a way to trust them again. You do this by (choosing) to see only the good things they do and focusing on your future together.
   
   Note: The reason why people have such a difficult time "forgiving" is because a part of them believes if they do so it's the same thing as giving the person "a free pass". Forgiveness is not about the other person. You forgive for your own sake so that you can move forward with your life.
   Best of luck!
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/Is-it-Possible- … e-Too-Much

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Well said!!! I conquer and totally agree!  You never forget, you simply learn from it and love yourself enough first - you deserve greatness and shouldn't settle simply for loves's sake.  And don't be afraid to be alone.  It's okay.

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   jessyferari1posted 12 years ago

   Theredpill. It isn't about being a loser or being desperate to just keep hanging on. i've dedicated time and energy into my relationship, I've given emotionally as well to make us work and its been doing great until recently.... dating him for a year while he was in another country and still with him, while he his in another state. I love my boyfriend, i still think he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me, but at the moment i feel confused because of all the guys i've ever dated (2) his been my most adult and serious relationship I'm 20. So my advice is how do i get past my scare of maybe ruining something that might be for good in the future by moving on or learning from it.

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   ChristineVianelloposted 12 years ago

   Sorry to hear that your having relationship problems. Some of the statments you made need to be exaimed. Maybe you both should try couples therapy to let out your true feelings with each other.

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   Dalainaposted 12 years ago

   I believe that you don't forget about the past, but rather use it as an experience to help you grow.  Although those experiences don't go away, as you learn to trust again and open up, they will fade a little more.
   
   One of the most uncomfortable things can be having to talk about the unpleasent experience; however, I feel that it is important to have the opportunity to ask the questions that you have and voice your opinion.  Once you have that conversation, you both need to work to move on and leave that behind.  That requires you being willing to trust again and him being truly sorry for what has happened. 
   
   As you try to move forward, be cautious about throwing the topic around during arguements.  Times like this can lead to more damage!  Good luck!

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   Kyle Riversposted 12 years ago

   Jessy,
   
   You mentioned a lot of different statements all in that conundrum. First and foremost, you must have respect for yourself. If you  truly did, then you would know deeply not to settle for what you had. Especially if you really knew how much worth you really are to not only yourself, but to everyone else. Depending on what he's done to you, always remember that you can always forgive, but you can never forget. It's a mental scar that takes time to heal. Trust me time is often the best healer.
   
   Should you move on, do not make the mistake of carrying the burden of the past. It'll deprive on you of something good in the future. Actually I wrote a blog about this particular matter ironically, and I stumbled across this question. I'd really like you to check it out.
   
   Here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Is-it-ok-to-be- … th-your-ex
   
   It's talking about being friends with your ex, but it also mentions releasing the shackles of your past relationship! Remember, acceptance starts with you first. Don't worry about him. If he's doing you wrong, leave him! Like the saying goes "You don't realize how good you had it, until its gone." He'll realize that. Keep your head up!

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    RishiKSposted 12 years ago

    First of all, I hope your issue has been solved.
    
    I can understand your problem. Its normal to to have contradictory feelings in the situation you are.
    
    The solution to your problem lies with no one else but you. See, if your boyfriend has learned from his past mistakes? If you see any changes in him, then you can think of forgetting him.
    
    But if he is still the same person, then i guess you should move on with your life without him. I know it will hurt a lot. You will get someone much better than him. After all, everything looks nice in retrospect, right?
    
    Good luck for your life, and i am sure you will take a very nice decision. We can just show you different ways, you have to choose the one perfect for you. And don't let yourself down.

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    rossrachel2612posted 12 years ago

    Hi. I completely understand your situation considering that it must have been really hard for you to go through it. But let me enlighten you on a fact which says that your boyfriend has enough integrity to come out clean of his mistakes and to do  that completely tells me of his love for you. He may not be perfect (nobody is) and so is his past, but does his present tells you that in spite of him being imperfect he is the only one who can love you perfectly? if the answer to this question is in affirmative then you should completely let go of the past because you are loosing out on the precious present! I know its hard but you are not the only one who has taken back someone who has betrayed you, trust me if it wasnt for your love and respect he wouldn't have returned back. DOnt take it away from yourself and above all him.. Hope this soothes your dilemma!

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    Allen Williamsposted 12 years ago

    @jessyferari1
    Without knowing what he did, everyone answering needs to assume that it was pretty bad or humiliating or both for you to be upset as you are with contradicting emotions. 
    
    Jessy, hundreds of people can give you advise, or flat out tell you what to do but ultimately you will need to decide what you want to do.  Is it something that you believe you can get over?  I mean 100% for the rest of your life forgiving him and never bringing it up again?  If you can honestly say yes to those questions, then it is a matter of either forgiving him and letting it go or get the hell out of that relationship now because it will never get better.  You will always harbor the bad feelings and maybe have lost trust in him.  That takes a long time to rebuild and if he thinks he can get away with what he did to you and you will just forgive him, he will no doubt do it again.  So unless you really want and can put it behind you, don't waste your life with a man that will hurt you now or ever.  You will get over the hurt of breaking up, but that will have time to heal and you can learn from this experience and move on with your life and be happy with someone else.
    
    I hope what ever you decide to do that you have a good life and don't get hurt again.  Good luck to you.

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    SpaceAgeposted 12 years ago

    more detail would help if we knew what he did. Sometimes there comes a time when a woman  knows when it's time 2 move on. ok, call it a woman's intuition. women often ignore those gut feelings when something's just not right. they also know when something about some1's just not right. those gut feelings keep telling women exactly what they keep telling their minds 2 shut up about; Only 2 learn their gut was right all along.

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    Moon Daisyposted 11 years ago

    I don't know the details, but being open with oneanother and talking is the only way.  If he noticed you were being cold and he's done something obviously wrong then maybe he guessed that the insecurity he caused you was the reason why.  But maybe he didn't make that connection.  You won't know if you don't talk to him, and he won't know how you feel, and how difficult you are finding the situation/relationship at the moment, and the reasons for this, if you don't tell him. 
    
    You both need to know exactly how the other feels, and that your hopes for the future and for your relationship, and your expectations for one another are compatible.

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    ReneeDC1979posted 11 years ago

    jesssy,
    
    You’re only 20? What you need to do is re-evaluate your life.  Take him out of the picture.  Picture yourself about to go on a date for the first time.  What would you look for in a guy?  And I’m not just talking about looks.
    Now think about being in a long-term relationship.  What does that look like for you?  What goals do you have?  What goals does he have?  What do you want in a relationship?  What does he want?  Love, sex, trust, communication, friendship, etc. etc. etc.  Look at your list.  And then determine if he meets your standards.  Do you have standards?  From your posts, it seems as if you have only been in a long distance relationship with this person.  Maybe those relationships just don’t work for you.  How long have you been with him?  How many times have you physically seen him (not in a picture, not on camera phone, or video on your computer, not by skype, but standing in front of your face?  If only two in 2 years, then there is the problem.  I’m not saying long distance relationships can’t work, but you have to be willing to put the work into it and so does he.

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