Why Are You Blaming The Other Woman?

Many times over the years I have listened to other women railing about women they believe are trying to tempt their husbands, boyfriends, lovers, or significant others, to cheat on them, or even to leave them. I have seen the resentment and anger and accusatory tones and looks that some women direct towards women they feel are competition or whom they believe are trying to ‘steal’ their man.

I have even felt hatred directed at myself because some women imagined I was a threat simply because of the way I looked! I did not know them or their SOs. I just happened to be in close proximity to them by chance.

While sometimes the ‘other woman’ is known, very often she is not known to the wife, or SO of the man involved. The only thing the ‘other woman’ knows is what the man has told her, and without reason not to, she believes what he tells her.

For the sake of expediency, I will refer to all of these; wife, lover, significant others, husband, etc., as SOs in this hub.

Your SO may tell her -- the other woman, that he is not married, or that he is divorced, separated, having a trial separation, or any number of things in order to deceive her. This is not her fault.

Over the years I have often seen how angry some women get at ‘the other woman,’ and I have heard them threaten bodily harm if she does not leave their SO alone. Sometimes these women have followed through and physically attacked ‘the other woman.’

Questions To Ask Yourself

What I have often wondered is why women do not hold their SOs responsible for their part in an affair or dalliance? Why do women not hold their SOs accountable for their own behavior and actions?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever tell you she loved you? With all her heart and soul and that her love for you would last a lifetime?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever promise to be faithful to you forever?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever make marriage vows to you in front of a judge, a pastor, a priest, a congregation, a park full of guests, or anyone at all?

Does the ‘other woman’ have an interest, other than preventing an attack from you, in protecting your relationship?

Does the ‘other woman’ stand to lose you and your children if you have any, if she fails to cease and desist in her interest in your SO? Will she have to divide all of her worldly goods with you and pay child support if you decide to break it off with her?

If the answer to all of these questions is NO, then who has made these promises to you? Who does have an interest in keeping your family together?

It is your SO who has made these promises, if anyone has, and it is your SO who should have an interest in protecting your relationship and keeping your family together because they are his also.

So why are you blaming the other woman? Did she tie him down and force herself onto him? Does she hold a gun to his head and make him perform? Does she have 2 burly brothers who will beat your SO up badly if he does not do her bidding? Does she even know you exist?

Why Do Women Allow Men To Behave Irresponsibly and Blame ‘The Other Woman’ For What Their Men have Often Instigated and Followed Through On?

One reason may be that women are afraid they will lose their SO if they demand accountability and responsibility from him. Some women would rather spend their lives in a miserable situation than to face the truth and deal with it. If he is a womanizer, where is the real loss if he decides to leave rather than changing his behavior?

Another reason may be that women cannot deal with realizing and accepting that their man lied to them and that in fact he is not happy unless he has a lot of variety in female company. No one likes to be ‘taken,’ in a lie. Knowing that you really are not the most important woman in his life after all can be extremely hurtful. Many women choose denial rather than facing that painful truth.

Even so, blaming the ‘other woman,’ is not fair to her. You could just as easily find yourself in the position of being the ‘other woman’ because a man you were attracted to and wanted to trust lied to you about his real marital, or relationship situation.

Regardless of whether the ‘other woman’ shares blame or not, the fact is that HE made promises to you. She did not. HE is the one who has a lot to lose by messing around – she does not. HE is the person who made a commitment to you, while she did not. HE is the one who is accountable to YOU, she is not.

You may say, but he cannot help himself. Men cannot control themselves the way women can. Yes, if they want to control themselves, if they choose to control themselves, they can indeed do so. To suggest otherwise is to say they are weak and more importantly, inferior, and incapable of disciplining themselves. A mature, responsible man, will honor his commitment to you.

Put The Blame Where It Really Belongs

Stop blaming the other woman and put the blame squarely where it belongs. We are all responsible for our own words, behavior, and deeds. Your husband or SO is responsible for his own behavior, words, and deeds, just as we all are. To let him off the hook and blame someone other than him for what he is doing is to enable more of the same behavior, and your life will be full of ‘other women.’ You will spend your life being angry at ‘other women.’ Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?

The same is true if it is a wife or female SO who is the philanderer. More and more women, sometimes in an effort to achieve equality, are messing around behind their SO’s back. It is rare for women not to be held accountable in a situation like this since women have been blamed for anything and everything that goes awry in any relationship for the last many centuries, whether it was their fault or not.

Time to open our eyes and see things as they are. Time to realize that other women do not necessarily have an interest in looking out for our relationship, even if they do know it exists. Your SO has made a commitment to you. The person who makes the promises, the commitment, etc., is the person who is most responsible for following through on those promises and that commitment. If that person cannot keep their promise, then it may be time to rethink the relationship.

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Comments 42 comments

PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 2 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Especially if you plan to run for any kind of political office, Au fait. No locked diary is safe.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 2 years ago from North Texas Author

PegCole17, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this issue. I, too, have received my share of blame when I did nothing wrong, but it seems it's always the woman's fault.

Men don't always age well either, but it's ok if they turn into surly slobs. Women are expected to be drop dead gorgeous until they literally do drop dead, and even then they must make it to the graveyard or crematorium before they droop a bit.

Oddly, women prefer to blame other women when their husbands stray rather than the person who made them a promise in the first place. I'm guessing they prefer denial rather than dealing with the reality of the situation. Most women do in fact turn their heads the other way, which is why men are shocked when they come up against someone like me who doesn't flinch and doesn't behave like the majority as they expected.

One thing I told my daughter is that there is no such thing as a friend who is so dependable that she won't share your secrets if she imagines it will somehow benefit her -- or because she just can't keep it to herself. There is the odd best friend that will keep your confidence, but you can't always be sure she's your best friend. Anyway, if you don't want to turn on the evening news or pick up the latest edition of the newspaper and read all about your 'secret,' the best way is never to tell it yourself. Never tell it to anyone, and never write it down anywhere, not even in your most private diary with a dozen locks on it. :)


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 2 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Interesting and lively discussion here in the article and in the comments, Au fait. It's refreshing to read that someone else believes we are all accountable for our own actions. "For better or worse" includes relationships where the zing has gone from the bedroom or where the women may have lost a bit of their youthful appearance. There is no excuse for breaking a commitment.

I experienced this sort of blame a number of times while I was single. One occasion was extremely hurtful and resulted in losing someone I had considered to be a true friend. Her husband put the move on me and I confided that to a mutual friend who betrayed my confidence. I learned a valuable lesson that time. Unfortunately, she was my manager at work which complicated things greatly.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for stopping by Verbi. Not everyone has the same values, but I would agree that a best friend or sister, etc., should be held accountable too, if they step over the line.

Keep in mind, that many women aren't even aware that the guy they're seeing is married. Men who travel a lot for their jobs tend to have women in every so-called port.

A woman can't force a man to stray. If he's the straying kind, if isn't one woman it will be another, and more likely both, or all if he has his choice.

We all knowingly hurt people everyday without a thought. It's human nature. The more perfect a person considers themselves to be, the less true it usually is. No one is perfect and no one is without sin.

It's difficult enough to hold people who give you their word to keeping their word. Trying to keep some woman in Maine or France or even in the next city block to a promise she never made is impossible. Plus, it lets the guy off the hook who did in fact make a promise.

Lots of women feel more comfortable blaming the other woman instead of their husband because they can't deal with the reality of the situation. As a result they can look forward to those endless realities for the rest of their relationship. So long as they stay with a man who can't figure out how to keep his zipper up, there will be lines and lines of women to hate, some sharing the responsibility, some as clueless as the wife herself.


Verbi profile image

Verbi 3 years ago from Iowa, USA

People have some obligation to be decent to one another. I don't kick puppies - or grandmas - and for similar reasons I stay out of other people's relationships.

I absolutely do blame other women for their own bad decisions. That doesn't mean the guys get off the hook, but there's a big difference between holding a man responsible for breaking his vows and ignoring the fact that a woman knowingly did something that would hurt another person so much.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject Shyron. Ultimately the decision to cheat or not was your husband's and it sounds like he made the right decision.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago

Most women blame the other woman for tempting their SO. I blamed the other woman for going after my present hubby, but nothing happened between them. She was trying to break us up before we got married, because she wanted him.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for leaving a comment on this hub, Bobby. It does seem fashionable in some places, but I don't think that fashion has much affect on those of us who know who we are. xx


diogenes profile image

diogenes 3 years ago from UK and Mexico

Me again...I'm watching the French Tennis Open...it seems fashionable to be a lesbian these days (appropos of nothing!)

Bob x


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Shannon60, thank you for reading and commenting on this hub! Many people get hurt when people get intimately involved outside of their marriages, and the other woman or man are among them. I do think it makes sense to have high expectations of one's spouse. We generally get what we expect to get and if we expect little or nothing, that is what we get.

Glad if this article is helpful to you.


shannon60 3 years ago

Thank you so, so, soooo much for this article. A year ago, for the first time in my life, I became the other woman. When we met, he told me he was married, but unhappy, blah, blah, blah. I didn't get involved with him until he was separated, and then he went back to her and it started months of torturous confusion and pain. His wife confronted me, threatening not only physical harm, but also threatening to ruin my career and my family (I have two kids). And she DID NOT SAY A SINGLE WORD TO HIM about it. Obviously, that was the end of he and I, and I was DEVASTATED. This hurt me more than anything else I've ever been through, and I was so shocked because I believed he was genuine. It makes me so angry that so many women blame the other woman. As you said, I didn't make any promises to her, he did. And it is so frustrating the level of violence and anger she directed at me, calling me all sorts of names and degrading me in every possible way...something which I have still not quite recovered from. I know that what I did was wrong, I am not proud of it that it took me 4 months after he went back to her to finally cut ties, and believe me, I will NEVER do it again. It is not worth the pain or humiliation. But thank you again for recognizing that the "other woman" is a person, too.... on who has likely been crushed by the actions of the cheating husband.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you Peggy W for reading, commenting, and for sharing your thoughts on this article.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 3 years ago from Houston, Texas

This is a sad subject because it involves hurt and betrayal of a commitment that has gone awry. As to blame...there is plenty to go around.

If the "other woman" did at first not know that he was married, obviously she would sooner or later find out. She could be a victim in that circumstance and then have a moral decision to make regarding continuing the affair.

If she was the pursuer and knew that he was married, as I am sure happens, then she...and he...are at fault. He...because HE KNEW that he was married and should not have participated in the dalliance or affair.

As I stated at the top...sad subject! There are no winners in a situation like this.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you star115 for reading and commenting on this hub, and sharing your thoughts on this subject. I think you might be surprised at how often men hit on other men's wives and take pride in a 'win' just as much as they do when they win at any other sport.


star115 3 years ago

The article is so true ,why have women stooped down so low to allow their pride and dignity go to dogs.They would rather blame another woman for the husbands errors.Normally it is the man who instigates the affair and not another woman.Women just have to accept the fact that their hubbie is not all that into them.If your partner does wrong then it is his fault for hurting you,the other woman does not have any emotional connection to you whatsoever.Although the other woman is also only partly to blame for the hurt caused, but not as much as the partner.A lot of men are big liars and they are selfish.They betray the partner so easily.The reason for this is because the women are stupid.And they deserve it.Men don't usually hit on another mans wife but women don't have a problem sleeping with another womans husband.The entire world ,the men and women support injustice when it comes to affairs.The man is forgiven if he has an affair,even glorified in media and by men and women all over the world and woman is scorned heavily if she does the same thing.If women are just going to go on and pretend that husbands sexual infidelity does not hurt them as much or even more then it hurts a man then they deserve the treatment they get.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment, Shyron! Always appreciate you're taking the time.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago

I should have worded my comment differently. The other woman should not be blamed if she got what the no longer wanted or at least made the man think she no longer wanted him.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you Jennifer, for taking time to leave a comment on this hub!


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago

Why blame the other woman? Especially, if she got what you no longer wanted.


Jennifer 3 years ago

I look at all the stuggles had when was younger and goodness they are personal triumphs today. be kind !love laughter and the best giving life


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Apology4Wolves, thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing your insights!


Apology4Wolves profile image

Apology4Wolves 4 years ago from Kentucky

There are two people that should never be blamed in a cheating situation: You and the other woman.

You aren't to blame because his cheating is all about his issues and has NOTHING to do with you.

Don't blame the other woman because it's all about her issues too and if he hadn't of cheated with her he would have cheated with somebody else. Blaming the other woman is taking the focus away from him. If you want to make the other woman feel like shit, be indifferent and don't give her attention at all.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by regretme.


regretme 4 years ago

Not all cheaters are bad, and both men and women cheat for the same reasons... ie: power, control, money, sex... However, some cheat because they are in a vulnerable state... Two good people can do a bad thing, so we should be careful not to stereotype... Also, the other woman has no contractual obligation to the wife, so blaming her is stupid... I think that wives that blame the other woman are missing out on an opportunity to examine the relationship for what it really is or had become... They are not without some responsibility for the state of their marriage.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Sherry Hewins: Thank you for your comments and for adding to this discussion!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

gmwilliams: Thank you again for your comments. I very much appreciate your addition to the discussion!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Shyron: Thank you for your comments. Again, what you're talking about is fodder for another hub, not this one. This one is about holding a spouse accountable for their promises and behaviors and no one else. Your spouse is ultimately accountable to you because s/he made promises and took oaths before God. No one else did. No one else is responsible for protecting your relationship the way you and your spouse are.

If a close friend or relative is involved, they are accountable to you too, but for different reasons, and that would make a good hub, but that's not what this hub is about.

Thanks again for your input.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Daughter of Maat: Thank you for your comments and for adding to this conversation. They are much appreciated.

Holding a grudge usually hurts the person holding the grudge more than the person they hold a grudge against. For one thing, the person one holds a grudge against neither knows or cares that someone is holding a grudge against them, while the person holding the grudge actually lowers their immune system's ability to work well for them by stressing over something that will never change.

You can't change the past, so learn from it and then put it away. Find a way that you can live with whatever situation life has dealt you, and then move on with as few burdens as possible.

Holding a grudge is a burden and so is fear. Some fears cannot be left behind and some can. Never waste time fearing something if you can find a way to rid yourself of it.


Sherry Hewins profile image

Sherry Hewins 4 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

If you SO cheats on you, and you want him or her back, it's easier to blame the third party, you don't have to try to mend fences with them. But I believe as you stated in your hub that it is the responsibility of the person who is in a relationship to live up to their vows. Plenty of married folks of both genders cheat through no fault of their SO. If the person they are cheating with is single then that person is not cheating on anyone.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you as always, Brett. Yes, I know sometimes men blame the 'other man,' also rather than holding that person accountable who promised them fidelity, or made a commitment to them.

We adults are all responsible for our own behavior and for keeping the promises we make. No one else in the world is responsible for these things except ourselves.


gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

I totally concur with you! I am a woman and a feminist. I don't ondone infidelity. In fact, if a man is unfaithful to me, I would leave him! I refuse to tolerate any form of disrespect regarding relationships! I am single and have been happily single all my life. But I love exploring all facets of relationships either committal, married, and/or noncommittal.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

gmwilliams: Thank you again for your comments, and I really do appreciate hearing your thoughts on this subject.

Do you have any idea how many women you have just given permission to, to mess around? "Wives are covertly responsible for their husband's infidelity because . . . what the husband and/or significant other does not receive from the primary relationship, he often has these needs fulfilled in another relationship."

What's good for the gander is good for the goose. Most of the men I've known/observed, etc., neglect their wives something awful, and they don't keep themselves up physically or maintain a civilized disposition, so if a man not getting what he needs from his primary relationship is an acceptable excuse for infidelity, it should work equally well for women.

Women unite! If he's ignoring you, forgets your birthday and other important dates regularly, has a beer belly, or a nasty disposition, etc., you are entitled to get some comfort on the side! Thank you for making that clear gmwilliams! :)

As it happens, research shows that men 'cheat' because they want 'spicy' relations (trying to stay within hubpages guidelines here) and women 'cheat' because they want love.

Truly appreciate all my readers and everything they have contributed to this conversation. The reason I am slow to respond to comments or anything during the week is that I have to work and am often nowhere near a computer. I apologize for my slowness and try to get back as often and quickly as possible.

Thank you again gmwilliams, and please realize that even though I come across quite assertive so I'm told, I really don't eat puppies and kittens for breakfast. If you are married, I'm quite sure you are one of the few model husbands. I will be reading up on some of your hubs soon!


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 4 years ago

I am back. to finish my comment when my PC crashed. I understand from you hub where you are coming from. (i.e. don't blame the skunk when you husband comes home stinking.)

However from people I have known:

1. Janet who knew the man was married and went to his home and secuced him and began their affair. Ended our friendship, when she told me what she did.

2. "A" also a friend, met a married man, I was with her when they met. He told her he loves his wift. They said they were "just friends". But she got pregnant.

3. "T" saw a man she wanted to meet knowing him to be married. Went to his wife and became friends with her so she could meet him. Eventually started an affair with him, told his wife. The man is the one that told me.

4. Sam and his wife worked for the same company I worked for and another woman flirted with him in front of his wife until an affair started and the two women got into a cat fight and aired their dirty laundry in front of a room full of people. Sam divorced his wife and married the other woman.

6. Lori was a neighbor who kept calling the wife next door and asking if the husband can come over to repair something. The wife asked me "what should she do", I told her I would send him next door and go with him.

None of these men were faultless, but as my husband says "an Er. has no conscious.


Daughter Of Maat profile image

Daughter Of Maat 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

A few years ago, a friend of mine was in a situation where her husband cheated and I often wondered why she chose to forgive him and blame the other woman. She even wrote a letter to the woman telling her to back off. I really felt for her, and supported her decision to stay with her husband because she felt that was the right decision for her. But, to this day, I still wonder why she chose to forgive her husband. He obviously doesn't love her enough to remain faithful. Once a cheater, always a cheater, he's definitely more likely to do it again. It doesn't matter if she's madly in love with him or not, the love isn't reciprocated. Hence, he cheated.

My husband and I both had spouses that cheated. I, easily, forgave my ex simply because holding a grudge only keeps the wounds from healing. (Although, the love between my ex and I had died WAY before the affair.) My husband, on the other hand, holds a grudge and, consequently, constantly in the back of his mind is the fear that I might cheat as well. Cheating can hurt a man just as much as it hurts a woman. Sometimes, even more so because men tend to keep their emotions bottled up.

Great hub! :D


Brett.Tesol profile image

Brett.Tesol 4 years ago from Somewhere in Asia

I agree with Bob on this. I know many women that cheat, but most don't get caught, as they keep it a secret. However, when the men find out, they tend to attack the man, not the woman. At the end of the day, it is normally both are responsible and up to the person involved to decide what works best. Humans are not perfect, but some relationships are not reparable.

Shared, up and interesting.


gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

To Au fait: Of course, the husband is mostly to blame. However, in many such cases, many wives are covertly responsible for their husband's infidelity. Yes, that is no excuse but there is an adage that what the husband and/or significant other does not receive from the primary relationship, he often has these needs fulfilled in another relationship. I was just putting my analysis regarding this hub which is excellent.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Shyron: Thank you for your comments as always.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

gmwilliams: Thank you for taking the time to comment -- I appreciate your addition to the discussion.

Yes, it takes 2 to tango, or "tangle" as you say, but that is not the subject of this hub. Blaming the other woman is the subject. The other woman has in most cases made no promise to the wife who is complaining about her, owes that wife no loyalty, and often doesn't even know that wife exists.

This hub is not about determining which spouse is to blame when one of them strays.

When all is said and done, all adults are responsible for their own behavior. When you make a promise to someone (basically a contract), you are responsible for keeping that promise. No one else is responsible for your promises except you.

It is much more honorable not to make promises in the first place if you think you can't keep them. It is wrong to make promises just to get what you want when you have no intention of keeping those promises once you succeed in obtaining whatever you are seeking.

To cover every contingency mentioned in all of the comments here, not only yours, would require a novel. I have narrowed this hub to one subject -- blaming the 'other woman' when an SO strays.

All I'm talking about in this hub is who should be held responsible when someone makes a promise of fidelity and loyalty and then does not keep it.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you Bob, for reading and commenting.

Yes there are a lot of deceitful women, but I thought I should at least try to hold this hub to 2000 words or less. To cover every contingency mentioned in all of the comments here, not only yours, would require a novel.

This hub is exactly as stated in the first paragraph. It's about women who have come to me angry about 'the other woman.' Not about men who have complained about the other man, not about why infidelity occurs, not about who is at fault, not about anything except women who have complained to me personally, about 'the other woman,' they believe is threatening their relationship.

This is a very emotional issue for a lot of people, as I knew it would be, and I have held onto this hub for at least 2 months because I knew it would be extremely controversial, making it difficult for some people to keep the main subject of the hub in mind.

Totally agree with your observation about life. Hope you have rested well . . . xx


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 4 years ago

The other woman? What about the other man? If he wasn't willing and she wasn't willing, there would not be any other. One does not have more blame than the other.

And sometimes the spouse is the cause of the stray. It is sad under any circumstance.


gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

It usually takes two to tangle most of the time. There are some wives who believe that once they are married, they do not have to do anything to maintain a spicy relationship with their husbands. Many married women become wives and mothers instead of lovers to their husbands. There are some women once they become mothers, completely forget that they were lovers once.

However....yes, there is always a however. There are some husbands who are just aimless and irresponsible. They have the chase and the conquest of a new female. The wife may do all she can do maintain the marriage but the husband is just a Lothario period. The only way to stop this and to just divorce this Lothario, leaving him to slowly decay!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

Hi Au fait...It goes both ways, there are just as many deceitful women.

It's a shame we have to be this way.

I feel so sad at so many things inherent in humans. As if life itself was not bad enough without making one another miserable.

Bob

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