Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?

3 Points to Remember

Yes. Yes, of course you can date the ex-partners of your friends. Of course you can. The question should really be, is it possible to keep your friend in the process.

We've all been there. We've all had friends with failed relationships. And as good as the friendship is, sometimes that ex is just too tasty to resist. We all know there is no cut and dry answer to this dilemma. Sometimes this is do-able. And sometimes it isn't. Some people are highly possessive regarding their ex's. Many years ago I dated the ex of a friend's cousin. It wasn't even my friend's ex. It was her cousin's ex. And the fall out was unbelievable. But in happier news, I had another friend who actually hooked me up with an ex of hers. That worked out fine and fun for all.

I could start with all that sappy obvious stuff, like saying: The first thing you really need to ask yourself is, how important is this friendship? Is this someone you've known through the gym for a year, or is this a long term 3:00 in the morning phone call - knows your favorite vodka as well as your favorite former teen idol - kind of friend? If this is a friendship worth fighting for, than fight for it. Fight the urge, and get over it.

Let's assume you've got 2 brain cells to rub together, and you've already assessed the situation. This is a good friend, a 3 AM friend, and still you find yourself texting The Ex, or casually trying to crash his weekly happy hour at a local bar.

One of the reasons you have a friend who's heard you admit you still kinda dig Matt Dillon over 3 Grey Goose Dirty Martini's, is honesty. You can let your hair down and be frank with her. You can tell her she has broccoli in her teeth. You can tell her you spent the rent money on a massage. Now is not the time to stop.

Remember how it felt to be in her shoes. One of the worst things about being dumped is that stupid feeling. Even if you saw it coming, you didn't really see it coming. Not really. So when he told you he wanted out, you were blindsided. You felt dumb for not having known he was unhappy.

Assume that's how your friend feels. And try to imagine how much more magnified that feeling would be if you make her feel stupid too.

I suggest a pre-emptive strike. Let her know. Immediately. Yeah, it's gonna hurt her, and she will feel open and raw. But when day is done she will still have her dignity, and that goes a long way. Be truthful with yourself: you wouldn't want your so-called friend sneaking around behind your back. The odds are, neither would she. You know how she feels about the ex, you know how she feels about you. Much of the sink-or-swim of this, will rely on how she feels about herself. And that is the hard part of the break-up. If you make her feel bad about herself, she will excommunicate you.

Making her feel good about herself is NOT about idiotic flattery and fake empathy. All you need to do, is keep three goals in mind, for every sentence you speak:

  1. Do not get dragged into a tit for tat about her failed relationship.
  2. Do not compare.
  3. And do not ever imply that you can succeed where she failed.

Do not get dragged into a tit for tat, this for that, he said she said - kind of conversation. If she wants to point out how he never called when he would be late, do not defend him and point out that her version of late is 25 seconds. If she tells you he didn't want to meet her parents, don't remind her about 10 years ago when she faked an appendicitis to get out of having Easter dinner with her then boyfriend's father. You can't make the light bulb over her head suddenly illuminate where she says, "Oh you're right. What was I thinking? I was wrong, and you deserve him."That's not going to happen. So don't argue. Don't combat every point she makes with correction or an attempt at balance.

When she says he was always late, be her friend. Not the potential new girlfriend. Not her teacher. Not the judge. Just be her friend. Just nod. If you feel you have to say something, then sympathize. "That must have been frustrating." If she says he wouldn't meet her family, just nod. "I know how close you are to your family." If you don't give her a reason to fight harder, she won't. She wants to be heard. That's what that whole Venus woman thing is about, right? She wants you to hear her. So, hear her. She wants to feel better. Just let her. And be the friend you have been, not the girlfriend to the ex that you want to be. You don't have to take sides. If she really pushes for you to admit a more sided response, bow out. Shrug. "I wasn't there. I don't know. But I can see how bothered you were by it."

Do not compare. Ever. Do not compare how much better you would handle something with this guy than she did. Do not compare your past relationships to hers. Do not compare her past relationships with this one. Do not compare anything. And don't let her. Dismantle any comparison she attempts. If she starts comparing: "You are such a stickler for punctuality! You'll be even more upset than I was!" Just nod. Shrug. If you point out all the reasons why you won't get upset like she did, you're comparing, and you're making her fight back. Don't do that. Don't make her fight.

If anything, justify her. Justify her feelings, her intentions, even her initial attraction. If she says, straight out: "If you know all the bad things he did to me, then why in the world do you still want to go out with him!?" You have one response only.

"Because I see what you saw in him. I'm where you were when you met him." You understand why she got involved with this guy in the first place. She was attracted, like you are now. Just point that out if you're pushed. And don't go any farther. You aren't better than she is. You aren't going to learn from her mistakes and succeed where she didn't. You're just like her. At least, let her have that much.

And that brings me to my last point. Do not imply that you think you and the ex can have success. If she asks you if you really think you can make this work, don't say yes. Do not say yes! It's practically throwing down a gauntlet. The very best you can do, is put yourself on her level. Put yourself where she is, just in a different spot on the time line. You can say, "Maybe a month from now you'll be the one buying me martini's."

Let her see you as her friend, not as his girlfriend. At least, not yet. When she complains about him, leave it at that I hear ya, sister! feeling.

And the truth is in the beginning stages, you really don't know. She may be 100% right, and you may be exactly where she is in a few months. I do think it's possible to maintain your friendship while you go out with the ex. As long as you do it with care.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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246 comments

Bob 9 years ago

Allow me to address the question from a man's perspective. Can you date a friends ex while keeping your friend? The answer is an unequivocable "no." To do so would infringe on a central, though generally unspoken, aspect of male/female relationships: the tacit male-to-male understanding that women are chattel within a relationship context. Evidence of this understanding can be seen in the popularity of the "money shot" in porn, where men mark their territory much as dogs mark theirs. When your property (which, you grudglingly admit in moments of weakenss, enjoys some degree of free will - and this is difficult to superimpose on the chattel concept that men find so comforting) willingly goes to another owner, this brings about delusions of physical inadequecy that infect the id and spur the previous "owner" to prove his superiority to the new "owner" in other ways, such as beating the ever-living crap out of him. (i.e. comment directed to your former friend lying bloody in the gutter "How's that big weenie doing for you now, asshole?"

All men know that you simply don't steal, especially from a friend. The only way such dating can happen is if it is an unsolicited gift, freely given, - ("Dude, Marla's a total bitch, why don't you jump that grenade for me so I can cut the strings?") but presented as though the grantee is doing the grantor a favor. Even then you should expect a physical fight or three.


Luke 9 years ago

I wanted to comment on this, also as a guy. I completely disagree with Bob. I've had many friends go after my ex's, and I've also bagged a few of my friend's ex's myself. I know from experience it's not an unequivocable "no", and I don't think my corner of the jungle is the exception. I've had a few times where it's happened to me where it really bothered me. Now that I read this and think about it though, I think it had to do more with how I found out then the fact that my ex was dating a buddy of mine. Good article.


Bob 9 years ago

Well, that's a good point, Luke. I'm glad you took my comments so seriously. In retrospect, I should have added the qualifier, "Among real and decent men" prior to my third sentence.


Kamejima 9 years ago

Bob, really? !!!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

I welcome different points of view, and open this forum for all opinions and thoughts. We're allowed to disagree. However, Bob, saying that someone is not real or decent because they don't agree with you is uncalled for. I took your comment seriously too, and ran it by every man within screaming distance this morning, and most disagreed with you, including men that I know are very decent. Stop with the name calling, and you're welcome to share your thoughts here.


Peter 9 years ago

I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. It's been my experience that women are more willing to date each other's exes than men are. However, I think that's because they apply the ex label to too many people. I think women consider a guy to be an ex of hers if she dated him once, looked at him once, told someone she may have liked him. Whereas with guys, I think when we say the ex, we mean the woman we lived with for 8 years and thought we'd marry. In any case I think you're right, be honest about it.


Bob 9 years ago

It was meant totally tounge-in-cheek with no intent to offend, as was the "clarification" - the offense taken indicates I did a poor job at trying to be funny. Apologies all around!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Love-ya Bob.


Tadeusz598 profile image

Tadeusz598 9 years ago from Florianopolis/ London/ Aberdeen

Bob's comment as funny, in my book at least.

I'd say the main thing, if you wish to pursue the ex of a friend is not to act with "unseemly haste" but to allow at least a couple of weeks to elapse before putting on your James Bond suit and leaping into action.


Paul Edmondson profile image

Paul Edmondson 9 years ago from Burlingame, CA

There's another side to this. Think about it this way, do you want to hang out with your girl friend's ex? From a male point of view, I'd rather not. Friend or no friend, I think it's natural to be a bit territorial when it comes to women, and to want to keep her away from anyone that has seen her naked. So before you date a friend's ex, think if you really want to hang out with someone that has been intimate with your new girl.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Paul, EXCELLENT point. Thanks!


sconicho 9 years ago

What if your buddy dumped his ex, and now you want to date her?


Goshin 9 years ago

Well, I have a quick dilehma/question...

My friend (The girl) broke up with friend (The guy) because he was super territorial and treated her like property. He wouldn't give her, her space nor would he let her breathe! It's been a couple months since they broke up. I recently started dating her about a week ago without him knowing. See, we didn't want him to know just yet because he's like really emo and suicical...so in reality, we simply didn't know how to tell him because he thinks she still likes him when she wants nothing to do with him (In the sense of being in another relationship with him). Unfortunately...he found out today that me and her are dating...now, my question is...am I being a bad frined? Me and him have had clashes in the past and we've ended up hating each other and then making up...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Goshini,

By choosing to go out with her, and not tell your friend about it first, you chose this girl over your friendship.

I wouldn't use the term "bad friend". It sounds like you and this guy have a very unique and odd set of parameters to your friendship to begin with. You're still his "friend" even though you think he's suicidal and possibly abusive to women. You've had serious fights but you've worked through them. That could be because you accept each other for who you really are, faults and all.

Your choice was not the choice a good friend would have made. It may have been the choice of a good man, however.

If your friend is capable of inappropriate possessive feelings, and hurting himself, the time to be a friend is now. This is based on what you've said about him, and assuming that you're right. Maybe you can help get that boy the help he needs.


traveler1 9 years ago

I have a question on this topic. My friend's fiance left her a little over a year ago. I subscribe to a couple of online dating websites and one of them matched me up with this friend's ex fiance. So, I "blocked" him so that he could not communicate with me. Then, today I went onto the other website that I belong to and haven't been on for a few months and found two messages from him. The first said he missed me, and that he's sorry for what happened between him and my friend and hoped I didn't think he was completely at fault, and that I was the sweetest, most gentle, sensitive person he ever met in his entire life. And the other message was from today -he saw that I was "online" and wrote 'you are so beautiful.' Normally I would tell a friend's ex to go tell hell if he pulled that, but with him I feel so sad at the thought of letting him go. Maybe it's partly because of my age (34) - it's not easy finding someone these day, partly because I'm really attracted to him and have a lot in common, and the last reason I don't want to let this go is because this happened to me with another friend's ex many years ago. I never persued him out of respect for my friend, but in retrospect I completely regret it. We are not even friends anymore anyway. The dilemna this time is that I do care for both my friend and him, but moreover she is still not over this ex fiancé and has really taken the break up badly enough. I really want to do the right thing and let him go, but then there's the other part of me that's telling me not to let go so easily this time, especially because we have so much in common and already like and know eachother.

I know this friend of mine is not completely rational and is very territorial and will not be the type to still remain friend's with me if I choose to talk to her ex, let alone date him. What should I do, risk the friendship or the potential soulmate? Keep in mind that either relationship may fail in the future.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

traveler1,

I answered your comment in its own HUB: http://hubpages.com/relationships/Can_You_Date_You...

Thanks!

Veronica


KellyLin 9 years ago

ok how about dating your ex-friends ex? I was friends with this girl for a while she treated the both of us poorly. And 2 days after the breakup she started a rumor about me after i let her cry on my shoulder!! She invaded my privacy and I caught her reading my emails from him! The she buys me gifts to make my feel guilty! I still feel bad because she has chosen to deny us as a potentel couple and continues to set me up with awful dates that i insist i do not want. in this case I do not value the "friendship" what to do?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Hmmm. KellyLin, you refer to her as your "ex" friend. You list supporting reasons to that, like her invasion of your privacy and her starting rumors about you.

I don't know the whole situation, or the real situation, but I don't need to. You answered your own question. In your eyes, she isn't your friend. If she isn't your friend, there's no conflict. Go for it.

And stop going on dates you don't want to go on!


Tisha 9 years ago

This Article was great help veronica I have evaluated my situation i guess my girlfriend is NOT the 3 AM type...lol. But now our mutual friends have this idea i'm a "boyfriend thief" calling all kinds of rude things....seriously i thought this highschool junk was through. Since all of us girls WORK together how can i kill the idea that i'm a "boyfriend thief" .....wow that title is something else!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Hiya Tisha.

People that have that much energy to spend time calling other people high school names, obviously don't have enough going on in their own lives to keep themselves occupied. I doubt anyone who calls you "boyfriend theif" is a 3 AM friend, either. Try not to let them get to you.

Look how the whole world forgave Angelina for stealing Brad while he was still married to Jen. Eventually this will pass.

Here's a big tip - your real friends will have your back no matter what, even if you are a boyfriend theif. Honey, I think it's time for you to find some new friends.


KellyLin 9 years ago

But........i still feel a little guilty about doing it.. is that my conscience or paranoia speaking?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Kelly Lin, it could be anything from your conscience to too much caffeine.

Follow your heart.


theo78 9 years ago

been reading all you guys wrote. i personally have a problem here.

i live with her, i am madly in love with her ex. she is a gud friend, i went out with the guy even when she asked me not to. the thing is i fell in love with him, before she even became my pal, in the process she started being friendly n i have a feeling that othere than the probs she ran up to me with, she knew we had a thing going, we however stopped the relationship wen she moved in with me.

we were not happy with wat we did, n kept in n out n decided not to tell her, eventually i was tired of the crap n we moved on with it n told her, she was diverstated, she hates him, she lives with me. its six months now even if i let go it wont change a thing, she is mad already

the problem is i really lkove this guy, had a crash on him since their relationship, n she treated him so bad, i mean so bad, that he used to come running to me...don't think i encouraged him to break off, but he got tired of it n quit.

so we move out they don't talk, she says she will never talk to him.

are my feeling bloking my view, cant drop this...........wat can i do???


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

theo78,

Follow your heart.

Sometimes you heart will tell you that losing your friend isn't worth it. Sometimes your heart tells you that whatever the cost, it is worth it. You said you are "madly in love". That's well passed the dating advice stage. Be honest, with everyone. And accept the fact that in order to get some things, you lose others.


Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris 9 years ago from Around the USA

I really didn't expect to see so many guys putting in their .02 on this one.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Hi Angela, thanks for checking out my HUBS.

I love seeing the guys comment. We have a lot of guys on Hubpages that weigh in, plus I have a strong male readership on my blog www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com that make their way over with the links. It's great, isn't it?


krishnaditya 9 years ago

when she/he is hot enough & u care 4 love only, none in the in this world would stop u 4 everything is coollllllll & correcttttttttt in love & war.who cares to cry 4 life time? ask the ex & listen 2 what she/he says. Its a noble job 2 keep someone happy, may it b 4 a date only.


Marshall 9 years ago

Wow, what an excelelnt article!! You are totally right. Everything comes down to honesty and respect.


Hayley 9 years ago

Thanks Veronica, I appreciate your insight. I have a question though.

I am currently a 7th grader at a small private school. I have this good friend. In 6th grader, she and this guy went out for about a month. They broke up mutually, and I hadn't heard much about it 'til this year. You see, a few weeks ago, she confessed to me she still liked him, and so asked him out again, with him turning her down. Now the truth is, I had liked him since the beginning of 6th grade. I recently found out he liked me too! He's going to ask me out soon, and I really, really like him. Not to mention, this is a situation where I don't know when I''ll find another guy. I don't know how to tell her the truth.

I know this may seem like a silly middle school romance, but it's tearing me up. Please help!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Hayley,

There is nothing silly about it. And here is my advice.

Number one, tell the truth. It comes out in the end, no matter what. There is no way around that. I promise you. As hard as it is to tell the truth, it will be even harder once the truth is out and you're confronted with it. You need to tell your friend the truth.

And number two, and this isn't fair but it's the way it is - If you go out with this boy, you may lose your friend. And, if you stand by your friend, you may lose this boy.

If you've read this HUB and the comments that followed, you'll see this isn't something we outgrow when we leave middle school. This is the way it works, for the rest of our lives.

You need to choose one: your friend or your the boy. Neither is the wrong answer. Only you know which one would rip you up worse if you never saw again. Do this so that you're prepared for when you tell your friend.

If you choose your friend, then when you tell her about your crush on this boy, tell her the truth but tell her that you would never let a boy come between the two of you. Tell her you're sorry, you couldn't help your feelings, but that you won't go out with him.

If you choose the boy, then when you tell your friend about your crush tell her this is the way it is. You like him, he likes you, no one ever meant to hurt her, but this is the way it is. Tell her you care about her friendship, and that this was truly hard for you to do. But you can't help the way you feel. And you wanted her to know the truth. Be prepared. If you do this, you might lose this friend. (Just be sure he's worth it.)

With 3 people involved, you have no way to control the outcome. You just don't know who is going to do what. And I hope that the three of you can all remain friends. And who knows - maybe you can. But no matter what, you will feel better in the long run if you tell the truth. I promise.

Good luck.


Michael 9 years ago

You don't date your friend's ex. That's a no-no regardless of the situation. Unless you want to lose your friend of ten years when there are plenty of other girls out there. It's a simple concept. When I break up with her, everything you had with her is done as well, unless you want to have some problems with your friendship.


krissy 9 years ago

yes i can date my friends EX BOYFRIEND thats great to know thanks


jtboswell profile image

jtboswell 9 years ago

I wrote a similar article. I like your point of view


Dino 9 years ago

Good article. I think you're right about the honesty thing. Being lied to is the worst thing. If you have any chance of salvaging your friendship you have to be totally honest.


Erika 9 years ago

I have a question.

So last year I met a person in my class, and through the course of the semester we became fast friends. At that point was intrested in this guy(One of our friends) and by the end of the year they started going out.

Then in the Spring, he broke up with her for some reason. When this happened she got quite angry and broke up their friendship too. Then she became quite depressed. Now at the start of the new school year she started clinging to him again and generally being quite friendly.

Recently I heard that they were probably going to get back together again.

---

So about last year I too started developing feelings for him. At first it started out as a silly crush, but it's now progressed into something deeper than that. And now whenever I see her with him it kind of hurts..

Currently I am debating whether to confess my feelings to him, her, both, or not at all.

The biggest obsticle for me is that my friend is quite violent. That fact alone holds me back, for I don't exactly wish to offend her, anger her, or lose her friendship.

So, I'm not really sure what to do.

Please help!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Erika

Your friend and this guy do not sound over. I think you should suck it up and not insert youself into the situation. Especially since you didn't say that this guy recprocates your feelings toward him.

Good luck


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 9 years ago from Sydney

Another great hub! My experience with dating a friend's ex is – don’t risk it, whatever the circumstances. You can’t rely on people to act rationally!Many years ago, I had a friend who was Swedish and blonde – and everything you think about when I say those two words. She changed men like she changed clothes, with about as much emotional investment (at the time, I thought she was s-o-o-o-o- empowered and liberated!). She went out with a guy for a couple of weeks, then dumped him. A few months later, I bumped into him and he asked me out. Now, I’d had many conversations with Helene during their relationship and knew she hadn’t been serious about him, and I also knew she hadn’t been at all upset about dumping him (having already found someone better to replace him). So it didn’t occur to me that it would be a problem. As it happened, she was away on holiday at the time, so I didn’t talk to her till a couple of weeks later (this was in the days before mobile phones – yes, I know, the dark ages). Imagine my surprise when she was furious with me. This liberated woman was horrified that I could take up with a former boyfriend. She couldn’t tell me why (she was too busy screaming at me). And that was the end of our friendship.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Marisa Wright - those are words to live by: "You can't rely on people to act rationally!" No truer words have ever been spoken.

I had the same situation. Her name was Robin, and she was exactly like your friend. And I was shocked when she was upset that I had done one of her castaways. I hadn't related that to this hub though. I didn't think of them as true "boyfriend/girlfriend".

In general though, I'd avoid the true ex-boyfriends of friends. So many fish, so few friends... and such a sure way to end that.

Thanks so much for visiting with me tonight!


Camille 9 years ago

Well, I'm in a situation where my friend is not the "3am phone call after coming home from the bar" kind of friend. She and I are more associates than friends, but I still care about her feelings. She has told me on more than one ocassion that she didn't love him, but didn't want to let him go because she was selfish and didn't want to see him with anyone else. Being loyal to her, I never said anything to him about it. He eventually figured out that their relationship was over months ago...and then openly admitted feelings for me. I had feelings for him as well, but tried to ignore them. It didn't work. We have recently been making plans to take it a step further, but I still haven't said anything to my friend about us. I want to tell her, but am having difficulty figuring out how to just come out and say it. I have never dated any of my friends ex'es and vice versa, as far as I know. I know that when he and I move in together, she will definitely know something then, but I want to give her that respect and let her know ahead of time.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

You're right, you should give her that respect and let her know ahead of time. The more time that passes, the harder it gets.


markion 9 years ago from London

its a scary prospect to date a friends ex, some friends will pretend they don't mind when they actually do. personally, i would abstain from it.


Jay 8 years ago

If your friend is ok with it then I guess but keep in mind that the closer she is to your friend (her ex) the more risky it is for you. They already know each other. Also if she wants to date you knowing that you're her exes friend then she has no respect for him ...how much respect is she going to have for you.

Proceed with CAUTION.


Chris201 8 years ago

I think this is similar to what you commented in Can You Be Friends With Your Ex. A lot of times different circles of people tend to experience this more frequently or open mindedly than others. In the music industry I'm kinda used to it. But like you said here, it comes down to honesty. If they weren't honest with me I'd have a problem. great hub as always


Mariana 8 years ago

I live here in the US but i'm from argentina.. this last christmas i went back to my country to spend holidays with my family and friends.. i finally i got to see my high school friends... long story short.. one of my friends told me she broke up with her boyfriend 9 months ago and I was really shocked..then..I met him at a party, we were introduced.. but nothing happened that day.. when I came back he started writing me e-mails and we began seeing each other via skype.. I feel I like him a lot. ans he tells me he likes me too.. sometimes I feel guilty because I haven't tell my friend about this.. eventhough I think she already knows.. :(


Sally 8 years ago

Personally I can see all sides to this debate. Obviously, unless your friend is absolutely fine with you being with her ex and maybe even gives you her blessing, it's a really tricky situation and you probably will have to make the decision of choosing your friend over the boy. However, I don't feel at all that friends ex's are a no-no. It depends a lot on the situation, whether the friend is a 3am friend, or just an aquaintance, how long they've split up, who split up with who, how long they were together etc etc. For examply, going with your best friends ex a week after she splits up with him for cheating on her is a definate no-no in my eyes, but there are so many situations it's impossible to have a straight for answer for each.

My story is that I had a best friend, and we always talked about each other's ex's and told each other everything. (Take into account, she finished with him because he dressed to gangster :S whatever that means, they are good friends to this day, relationship lasted a couple of months and was 4 yrs ago and we're 19 now) She told me in conversation of a few of her exs that she wouldn't mind any of her friends getting with, with this particular lad being one of them. This was one of our typical girly conversations that in all honesty was completely forgotten about. A few months passed and we started talking and became friends, nothing more, nothing less... Until he asked to come round, nothing happened but I had a really nice time and really enjoyed his company. I admit I wasn't even thinking about my friend as her ex was never a serious topic of discussion and i THOUGHT it wouldn't be a problem as I thought I knew her inside out. The next morning, I was thinking about the whole situation because i actually had a really good time and thought I'd tx her and let her know how I felt. I made sure she knew I would never let a boy come between us and that I was completely willing to break it off and not meet him again if she was in the slightest bit upset or felt weird about it. She didn't get back to me so I rang her the next day, and asked again, she wasn't over the moon about it at all, so in my eyes it was simple-she was my best mate and and i would tell Dave that i didn't want to meet him again. So anyway, in the meantime, i get a phone call asking 'whats up with me and my best mate' because she's put stuff on bebo about me saying i wasn't a good friend, deceitful etc etc. Now I feel hurt because I know I'm a good friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt her, yet she's maliciously made my business public so that everyone can have a good gossip.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have met him in the first place as I should have known better, but making harsh comments just shows her true colours in my eyes. On a whole, I can understand why people would be upset if their friend got with an ex, I really can, but I personally feel that if they were good friends themselves, they should be happy for you and stop being so selfish. At the end of the day, don't get me wrong, I would never decide to go with a friends ex if my friend wasn't happy about it, but if a friendship breaks down over you going out with a friends ex, its your friend that has decided to dump you over a boy! Not the other way around! Sometimes, we have to stop being so selfish and see the bigger picture, none of this 'golden rule of thumb'. Yeah, loyalty is a big thing in friendship, but so is compassion and being happy for your friend's, you may feel that your friend has betrayed you but if she's been straight with you and is willing to give him up for you, I think you should appreciate that and do the same!

How things stand now, I'm upset with her for writing about me on the internet- true friends don't do that... and we don't speak... I chose her over him yet still lost her. Its times like these that I think, was SHE worth it? True friends will be happy for you regardless of THEIR feelings.


rach 8 years ago

I have a situation. my friend split up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago, i really like the guy we have always been really close now i think i may have stronger feelings and i think he has to. we have been textin a lot but i am scared i upset her and her family they went out for three years and were living together for a while, so it was serious although they had there problems. i really like him!! my friend and i barely talk just now so would it be such a big thing? i am really confused!!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

rach - yes, it really would be a big thing. If you have to go for it with this guy, you should tell your friend first. Be honest and upfront with her. It's the only chance of you have of maintaining any kind of friendship at all with her. And even at that it may not work. Good luck.


rach 8 years ago

Thanks for your help, i was up all last night thinking about it. i know what i need to do and that is be a friend to both of them nothing more and nothing less. if me and this guy have any chance of a relationship i want it to be with everyones blessing, i don't want anyone to get hurt in this so if it means waiting years just to have that chance i am prepared. i hope he is to?! thanku for your help.


Chad 8 years ago

this is a really good article. I have a really good friend and he treated his girlfriend like garbage. when they broke up I started giving her guitar lessons. through these long sessions we eventually devolped a relationship. Now I stuck with this situation and I know I have no one to blame but myself, but should I tell him before burning man or after burning man (we're going to be in the same camp for a week), or should I just try to see how serious this relationship gets before I say anything?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Chad,

The key words here are "I have a really good friend." If he is your really good friend, no matter what kind of BF he was or anything else. Tell him.


Lonni 8 years ago

Chad, How does she feel about the relationship? You should talk with her about it if you haven't already and make sure she feels the same way. If so, and you plan on developing an actual "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, then you definitely have to tell him. If you aren't going to have a serious relationship, then I think its best not to say anything to your friend, it will just start a conflict. Be prepared to lose your friend though, if infact you do have a serious relationship with this girl. How is that going to work? You hang out with your friend a lot and you would want to hang out with your girlfriend a lot. It would cause a lot of awkwark situations if you ask me. You could also start by feeling him out, let him know you have been spending a lot of time with his ex and you think you may have a little crush. see what he says. Something like that. let us know how it goes!!


James 8 years ago

I've just got out a long relationship with this girl and i've found myself begining to fall for one of her best friends, we've been friends for ages now and I know she used to fancy me too but is it okay to ask her out as i still want to try and stay friends with my ex. Also would it affect our friendship if i asked my ex's best friend out?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

James,

It will affect your friendship with your ex, most definitely, if you ask out one of her best friends.

Personally, I do think it's possible. But I think it's very important that you are honest with your ex about your feelings. Put yourself in her shoes. If she wanted to be with one of your best friends, how would you honestly feel?

Wouldn't you want to know? I would. And I think you would. Your best chance at moving forward and making this work is to be respectful enough to be forthright and honest.

Best to you


James 8 years ago

Okay thanks this has helped a lot


heyyy 8 years ago

thank you so much i am so worried about losing a friend and i wanted you to know that i believe i have a good idea about how to handle the situation


Lauren 8 years ago

ok im in this exact situation right now. my friend laura dated this guy pat...i mean they were in love. but they ended because SHE did not see HIM as more than a friend. so they broke up and whatnot. she got a new boyfriend and things were fine. then her and pat would randomly makeout when they were drunk....not sober just drunk. so me and pat have been great friends for almost a year and we've started talking a lot more and hanging out a lot more. well laura asked me if i liked pat and i answered honestly and said yes. she asked him if he liked me and he said yes. shes so mad. but shes the kind of person thats so selfish and only thinks of herself. she hasn't yet said anything about how me and him feel but only how she feels. i really like him and i think he would treat me FABULOUS. and i would do the same for him. we understand eachother. and i never asked her if i cud date him she simply asked me if i liked him and i answered honestly. part of me thinks i shud pursue him bc she doesn't like him shes just selfish and the other part of me doesn't want to hurt her....what shud i do??


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Lauren,

What you should do is this: choose one them. Just pretend you can only have one or the other one in your life. Would you rather have him as a boyfriend, or would you rather have her aas a friend. If you choose him, then go ahead and date him and understand you do run the risk of her friendship ending. If you choose her, then forget about him all together.


David 8 years ago

HERE'S MY QUESTION:

I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL NAME MELISHA FOR ABOUT 7 YEARS. ME AND THIS GIRL HAVE CONSIDERED EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER FOR ALL THIS TIME AS WELL. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SHE DATED A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE NAME RANDY. I KNEW HIM BEFORE I MET HER. HIS ORIGINAL INTENTION WHEN HE FIRST STARTED TALKIN TO HER WAS TRY TO HOOK ME AND HER UP, HOWEVER, HE WOUND UP DATING MELISHA INSTEAD. THEY DATED FOR ABOUT 8 TO 10 MONTHS AND THROUGHOUT THAT ENTIRE TIME, ME, RANDY, AS WELL AS MELISHA AND HER FAMILY ALL GREW TO BE REAL KOOL AND CLOSE.

WELL, MELISHA EVENTUALLY WOUND UP BREAKIN THE RELATIONSHIP OFF WITH RANDY AFTER 8 TO 10 MONTHS BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE WAS ACTING TOWARDS HER. HE WOULD TELL HER THAT HE WAS GOING TO KILL HIMSELF IF SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM AND EVERYTHING AND THIS STUFF EVENTUALLY DROVE MELISHA AWAY FROM HIM. AFTER THIS INCIDENT, WE HADN'T SPOKEN TO MELISHA IN A GOOD LITTLE WHILE. EVENTUALLY, ME AND MELISHA WOUND UP REGAININ CONTACT AND STARTED HANGIN OUT AND KICKIN IT WITH EACHOTHER. BEFORE WE COULD EVEN GET REAL KOOL ALL OVER AGAIN, I REMEMBER SPEAKING WITH MY FRIEND ABOUT IT AND JUST OUT OF RESPECT, ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH US BEING FRIENDS AND STILL HANGING OUT TOGETHER. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH IT AT ALL, SO, ME AND MELISHA STARTED HANGING OUT TOGETHER LIKE WE USE 2. IT'S BEEN ABOUT 5 YEARS SINCE WE REGAINED CONTACT WITH EACHOTHER AND EVERYTHING. HE'S MOVED ON AND ME AND HER STILL HANG OUT. WE'VE GROWN SO CLOSE THAT WE STARTED CALLING EACHOTHER "BROTHER & SISTER", BUT I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT WHENEVER A MALE AND FEMALE BECOME CLOSE AND START CALLING EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER, IF NOT BOTH OF THEM, AT LEAST ONE WANTS TO BE MORE THAN THAT.

SHE CURRENTLY STAYS OUT OF TOWN AT THE MOMENT, AND SHE CAME TO VISIT JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. AFTER HANGING WITH HER THAT DAY, I STARTED REALIZING THAT I MAY BE GROWING FEELINGS FOR HER. WE SHARES SECRETS WITH EACHOTHER, WE ALWAYS LAUGH AND PLAY WHEN WE'RE AROUND EACHOTHER, WE CONSTANTLY MAKE EACHOTHER LAUGH, WE ALWAYS GIVE EACHOTHER ADVICE AND EVERYTHING. WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTEREST AS WELL. ANYTIME WE TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, WE ALWAYS SEEM TO BE WANTING THE SAME THINGS. ANYTIME SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR JUST A SHOULDER TO CRY ON OR ANYTHING, SHE ALWAYS CALLS ME. SHE TELLS ME EVERYTHING AND I MEAN EVERYTHING. LOL. SOMETIMES I PICK UP VIBES THAT SHE MAY POSSIBLY LIKE ME TOO, BUT I'VE NEVER SPOKEN ON THE SITUATION OUT OF FEAR THAT I MIGHT POSSIBLY RUIN MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HER. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE WE BOTH MAY POSSIBLY BE SHARING SIMILAR FEELINGS, BUT BOTH OF US ARE NERVOUS TO ADMIT IT TO ONE ANOTHER OUT OF FEAR THAT THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT NOT FEEL THE SAME, YA KNOW? ON TOP OF THAT, I THINK THAT I'M AFRAID TO ADMIT MY FEELINGS FOR NOT JUST THE FACT THAT I'M AFRAID IT MIGHT HURT THE FRIENDSHIP, BUT ALSO BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FRIEND'S EX AT ONE POINT IN TIME.

WHAT MAKES ME WONDER ABOUT MY FRIEND IS THAT IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETIMES, FOR NO REASON, HE'LL ENCOURAGE ME TO TALK TO HER, HE'LL TRY TO ANYWAY. HE WAS DOING THIS WAY BEFORE I EVEN STARTED HAVING FEELINGS FOR HER. WHY WOULD A FRIEND ENCOURAGE IS FRIEND TO TALK TO HIS EX? THIS IS A VERY ODD SITUATION FOR ME. LOL. HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE "MAN, YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER" OR "I THINK SHE LIKES YOU" AND NUMEROUS OTHER THINGS. WITH HIM DOING THIS, WOULD IT BE WRONG FOR ME TO ADMIT MY FEELINGS TO HER?

ANOTHER THING I'M WORRIED ABOUT IS THE POSSIBILITY OF HURTING MY FRIENDSHIP WITH MELISHA. WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS ALL THIS TIME AND HAVE BEEN CALLING EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER FOR YEARS NOW. WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I ADMIT MY FEELINGS TO HER?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

David

Whenever you date a friend you run the risk of losing the friendship. Randy threatened her he'd kill himself if she broke up with him? Randy needs to get some help, that isn't the way a healthy normal person behaves. It's not a surprise he's acting "odd."

I think in the long run it's always best to be honest with everyone about your feelings.


David 8 years ago

WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THINGS TRANSPIRED BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. RANDY'S GOT A FAMILY OF HIS OWN NOW AND EVERYTHING. LOL.

SEEING AS THOUGH HE WAS TRYIN TO ENCOURAGE ME TO SPEAK TO HER WAY BEFORE MY FEELINGS FOR HER EVER START COMING, WOULD IT BE WRONG FOR ME TO TRY TALKING TO HER LIKE THAT, YA KNOW, RELATIONSHIP WISE?

OVERALL, SHOULD I JUST TELL MELISHA HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER?


Lis 8 years ago

got a question here..

I liked her ex for some time,, and after they broke up he started making moves on me. I just got out of a relationship with a sweet boy who i cheated on twice. Id like to explain that more but its not about that now. My heart was broken when we broke up and somewhere there is still a piece missing. But then i hooked up with her ex and she really was cool with it,, because she hated his guts. I thought he really liked me, but as it turns out he only liked me for a little pleasure. Again my heart was broken. So some time ago i went out with her and my best friend, and i met a really nice guy. Who happened to be her ex too! I didn't know until a week ago. And we had been texting a lot by then. When i asked her about how she felt about me texting with him so much she told me; yeah see for u self. and i said ur not ok? please tell me. And she said; No i am not okay. when u went with my other ex it was cool, But this guy is my friend and he is so close with me. SO i said to her i never dated him we just texted. and don't even know what he is like. he texted me in 6 days 50 times.. i think that he could like me if we dated, But now i feel like she doenst even give me the change to get to know him. Like she is telling me yes u can date him, but don't expect me to be ur friend then anymore. So my question., what should i do in this position?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Lis,

I think you should not date him. I don't think you're so into him that it's worth the strain your friend is obviously telling you that you will be creating if you do. She was understanding about you and her first ex, and you're still recovering from the guy you cheated on. And you're still burned by her first ex kinda using you. So you're kinda raw right now anyway.  It sounds to me like you've been a good friend to her - you've been honest and upfront. And in return she's been a good friend back. She's been honest, and non-judging. And she was cool with the one situation. And now she's telling you this situation is not so cool. 

I would value that kind of friendship you two seem to have. My advice is to stay away from this guy before you start feeling things and make it complicated. Pick your friend.


ruba 8 years ago

ok so my best friend dated ths guy for a week and then they broke up she didn't even like him that much and then he saw me and liked me and i liked him too. so aywayz my question is what to do if we like each other and he is my best friend's ex and how to tell her that i like him?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Ruba,

If she didn't like him so much to begin with, you probably don't have too much to worry about here. But you still need to tell her first, that's just the right thing to do. Just tell her you like him, you think he likes you, and would she mind if you tried to get to know him better? That's all.


Marcus 8 years ago

My best friend and I both have girls, but sometimes my girl will fight with me irrationally and makes me wonder if she sees a future with me, and my friend doesn't respect his girl enough and it makes me feel as though his girl and I are a better match.

Those kind of situations suck.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Marcus,

Yes they do.

Be a good man, the kind of man your mother would be proud of. And you have nothing to worry about. The sucky situations will work out. And you'll be ok.


G-MONEY 8 years ago

the only reason i dated my best friends ex is because of what bob initialy said....("Dude, Marla's a total bitch, why don't you jump that grenade for me so I can cut the strings?") ......i did t because i essentially thought it was an unattached gift....but as soon as i found out this was not the case and that my friend (who has clearly moved on) actually had serious feelings 4 this girl in the past, i recognized i had betrayed the friendship. Funny enough we have pbably passed through the same girls sometime in the past but it was never an issue....but once it comes to a "ex" or some1 you even remotely cared about I DEFINITELY THINS ITS A NO NO!


TJ 7 years ago

i've read all the comments but i still cant make up my mind...i respect my friend a lot but i also like his 'ex' and she likes me as well...and this friend is the 3.a.m type too...i've also known the his ex for quite a long time now..

the thing is that both of them are close 2 me..so isit better if i just leave things be and keep both?or go after his ex ?

I would feel realy bad if i pursue his ex but i'm afraid i would regret it if i don't...


sbratchild1993 7 years ago from Beaufort

Me and my ex-bff are no longer friends ovisley, that is b/c she dated my ex


wendy 7 years ago

hey, i feel kind of stupid going to a website for this but i think i need the advice from someone who has no bias about the situation. i was in a pretty terrible relationship with a guy that ended more than a year ago. i broke up with him and it was probably the best thing i've ever done. i had no remorse about breaking up with him because i really couldn't stand the guy anymore, and i quickly fell into a relationship that is the complete opposite of the one i had been in, and i could not be happier with him. anyways, this ex-boyfriend was still hanging around because i had unfortunately brought him into my group of friends while we were dating. when i was home for the summer, one of my friends started calling me less, and when i'd call her she was always with him. i had the suspicion something was going on, but i always thought "no, she wouldn't do that." i was still pretty hurt that this friend (whom i have been friends with since i was in grade school) seemed to be putting me on the back burner to hang out with my ex, but i still tried to spend time with her even if it meant seeing him, just because i value our friendship so much. well, i recently found out that she and my ex had been dating for nearly a year, and she had never told me or even tried to tell me. i am really hurt because he spread rumors about me when we were together, spread rumors about her and the rest of my friends, and lied to me about so many things it's hard to keep track. i have been in a great relationship since breaking up with this ex, and things just keep getting better. there are so many good things going on in my life, i don't want to be angry about this silly thing, but sometimes it is hard not to be. i guess "i'm not mad, i'm just disappointed" is a good phrase in this situation. it is just hard to imagine that she could forgive this guy and all the things he did to me. i was already uncomfortable with them being friends, and to find out she was dating the guy the whole time seems like too much. would it be immature of me to step to the side while she's in the relationship and keep her out of my life? i told her i don't want to lose her as a friend and obviously she can do whatever makes her happy, but i have to do what makes me happy too! this is her first boyfriend (and we are in college) so maybe she just can't understand what i am feeling? i am just confused.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Wendy,

I think it's pretty clear your concern is for your friendship with this girl. It's clear you're over this ex, and you've moved on. It's unclear to you though why she hasn't. There is such a sadness and confusion to your Words: How could she forgive this guy, and be with him, after knowing better...

It's not at all immature for you to let her go. It's the opposite. It's insightful and mature. It seems it causes you pain and sadness to be in this frienship. Rather than have a blow up and wind up hating each other, you're considering just walking away right now.

It's not like you're saying you want to burn the bridge. And I'm impressed by that. Letting things drift is a better thing, because eventually she may really need a friend to pick up the pieces when this guy reminds her of his true colors.

Let it go. Don't call, don't text, don't email. If she does, use the 3 to 1 rule: Only reply to one out of every 3 messages. No confrontations, just that simple, - been busy, talk to ya soon.

It's kind of a way to end things for now, and give you your freedom from this disrepsect and non-friend friendship. But it leaves her knowing she can reach you if she really needs to. She was a friend, she's not now. Maybe she will be again.

Good luck with this, Wendy.


Ms. Singapore 7 years ago

hi, I've read all the comments. I hope you can help me guys. Me & my ex bf broke up for 2yrs. and the reason was i think is a long distance affair wont work. We are 4months on going our relationship when he left the country to work abroad. Our relationship at first are ok (i.e. chatting, calls and sending e-mails) but after 6months I felt that there something wrong with us, when I called him his voice is not ok and he always tell me that I will col u but he didn't call me back. I text again and ask what's happening with him, if there is a problem or what, but there is no reply from him. After a month I decided to call him but he always tell me that he will col me, he hang me 4 a few weeks and I was thingking what's happening with him, so I decided to call him again to make it final. I ask him again what's wrong with him, if there is anything problems pls. tell me. I ask him if you find someone over there pls. tel me & after a minute he told me that he has a girl but from the other country. My heart was broken that time and I cried and the next day, he text me " im so sorry to risk you for someone". so, it was the end of our relationship. After a few days, he texted me and said, how I you and his trying to call me but i cancelled his call. I texted him at Im fine w/o him in my life then he texted me back and tell that "it good for you are happy, me i feel homesick & sad". His contract was 2 years & with in two years, we still have communication thru e-mail only. I left the country also going to singapore to work there and that time is the time his contract was finish. I try to focus my self on my work & i met a new and we become lovers. After a year my ex bf also go to singapore to work there also and he send me an e-mail that he's in the Singapore now and he wanted to see me but I refuse to see him, I only give my contact no. I told me that he still love me and he want me to leave my bf & got marry to him but im afraid his telling the truth. I told him that his not serious & its not so easy. I was joking that i told him, i will give him the contact no. of 1 of friend, i just want to try him but it seems that his really interested to my friend and i ask my friend if it is ok with her if i will give her no. to my ex and she's only the 1 of all my friend who says ok. Then my ex started to call her and they meet after 1week, my friend texted me after they meet. That time my ex called me and inform that he meet my friend. On the 1st meet my friend told me that my ex ask her if he can court her but my friend answer is i will ask my friend 1st. I didn't expect that it will be like this. Then they go out every sunday. Im not jelous with them but I feel mad with them especially to my ex because he continue to court my friend and also to my friend i didn't expect her to continue seeing my ex. My friend also invited my ex to have a dinner date for us (i.e. me & my bf, my ex & her) at 1st i don't want to come over there but i don't want them to think that i am affected. That was the 1st again to see my ex after 2yrs. I feel a little bit ackward on that day. After that he never call me again and they are still dating with my friends.


Amber90 profile image

Amber90 7 years ago

Wow! a lot of great comments here. I hope no one calls me anything bad. But I feel that dating a friends ex is completely out of the question?! I am extremely cautious of those I call my friends. I only have a few friends and many, many acquaintances. I know that I personally hold my friends (and family of course - that is another great hub idea!) above anyone else. I am a strong believer in Karma and simply feel that it is indecent - for me to do that.

However, I do know people who have had great, long relationships. I actually have friends who are dating my ex's. They are beautiful people and have discovered their true love. I will also never stand in the way of that. what a great article and interesting opinions.


Becky 7 years ago

I broke up with my bf like a day ago and in the morning he was already going out with my mate. I felt really angry at him and i don't no why and i don't no if i should be. Can anyone help?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Becky

Well that certainly is poor form - not even a day to recoop, and he's with your mate?

One of two things is going on with him. One is that this was a way to get back at you. either, show you that he doesn't care by having a new gf so fast, and one you'd really be upset over. Or a way to stay  close to you, show you what you're missing.

Or, he's always had a thing for this friend of yours and moved right along, proving you were right to end it with him since he's a snake.

Yes, you broke up with him so he is free to do what he wants. But a relationship ending, even if you're the one ending it, has a mourning process to it. You have a right to be angry, and hurt. And it doesn't mean you have any feelings for him.

Also, what the hell is wrong with your mate?? Not a very good mate there, if you ask me. And, you asked me. So there's my take on it Becky. Good riddance to both of them.


KateWest profile image

KateWest 7 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

I think if it's been long enough and your friend is over him/her and you make your intentions known, it might be OK. I wouldn't advise just fooling around, but if there is a possibility of something real, I'd risk it. Just communicate with everyone and respect the decency of healing time. I would think it odd to ban my friends from everyone I've ever dated - that really limits the dating pool, a more and more serious problem the older you get, unfortunately.


Kurious Kitten 7 years ago from One of the best places to live

So even though this post is extremly old. I have to hope someone is still checking and can give me some advice.

I normally wouldn't date my friends ex. Especially if she really liked him and was totally devasted by the break up. In this situation, I am not sure if these 2 people ever really dated, or even if she considers him her ex.

So, I have known my roommate for 3yrs. We've only been roommates for 1 year and "3am" type of friends for about 1 1/2 yrs. Approx 5 yrs. ago she was involved with a guy I'm interested in now. At that time, we weren't friends she was just someone I knew,( because our social scene isnt' that large here) I've always been interested in this guy and everytime I would bring him up to her she would just say, he has a lot of baggage or he has kids (child support). She never mentioned if they were involved or dated.

Now after secretly going on some dates, I am in a strange predicament. I like him and I want to see where it goes. He doesn't want me to say anything to my r-mate because he thinks it would really upset her. (I want to say something to her because , I don't think she cares. Since him she been engaged to another man and dated plenty of other men.

Do I just wait to see what happens or get it all out in the open? I don't want to upset him by telling her and making things awkward. At the same, time I don't want to feel like I'm sneaking around and hiding things.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Kurious Kitten,

I check on all of my HUBS every day, new or older. Like this one, the info is "timeless." I'm so glad you commented.

The guy you're secretly seeing put you in a very curious situation, asking you not to say anything to your roommate. That, to me, should be the focus of your concern. That's a major flag to me, no matter what the circumstances are. Whenever any guy tells you not to tell anyone you're dating, or not to tell a specific someone you're dating... there is a real problem.

I really get the feeling your roommate would be ok with your dating the guy. It certainly sounds like she had moved on, and doesn't even talk about him as an ex.

If I were you, i would tell the roommate immediately. I would want to get to the bottom of why the guy wants you to be secretive and "avoid upsetting someone" which is always kind-of a bullshit line. I would do it as if you're going to her as a 3am friend, more than a confession. I would tell her, you're dating this guy, and he said not to tell her. I'd see how that goes over. I'd tell her, as much as you like him, she's proven to be a 3 am friend, and you have no idea why he wants to be secretive, and it's made you feel very weird.

If she does express upset over it, at least you've gotten things out into the open relatively early. The longer you keep a secret, the worse it gets. Point out that she had never said he was an ex. Had she said he was an ex and she still had feelings for him, you would have handled this differently. But even though that's your outclause, don't put her on the defensive. Let her know the last thing you wanted was for her to be upset, and you're very sorry she feels that way. Be prepared for that, but I really doubt that's the way this will go. I really think if you go to her as a friend, she will be a friend, and let you know why he wants to be on the down low.

I hope you'll check back and let us know what you decide, and how it goes. Good luck to you.

 


HELTERSKELTER 7 years ago

Hi Veronica, I've just read your article and you give some really sound advice. I would really value your opinion on a particular predicament ive found myself in..

I know this girl, we'll call her "Mary" and she has more or less always been in my group of friends since we all grew up together and went to school together in a very small town. I'm now 22. While we were good friends as kids, we really just drifted apart and had a very sketchy friendship in school- i began to really not like her as she used to make little digs at me and put me down a lot. She was friends with all my closest friends and i just couldn't make a deal of it. She was practically bullying me psychologically and i think there was some jealousy there too. Anyways, this went on for some years and we didn't really talk at all. We had one or two very heated fights on nights out when we were both drunk (i don't like confrontation but i just hated her so much at the time).

In the past year or so, we've kind of put our differences aside (i think). At last there seems to be peace in our group of friends. Although i am friendly with her when we meet eachother out at parties etc and we have mutual friends, she still wouldn't be a "3am girl" that you describe. In fact, i would never really ring her.

So, to get to the point! I was out on Saturday night with my best friend and her new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend's friend turns out to be Mary's ex. They've only broken up a couple of months. I would never have talked to Mary about their relationship before as we weren't close enough to share these kind of details. I would have only met them as a couple on maybe 2 or 3 occassions and very briefly. However, the first time i saw her ex i really fancied him. I didn't think anymore about it though. Until last saturday night!...

I ended up back at a house party with my best friend, her boyfriend, and Mary's ex. He had been flirting with me all night and i tried so hard to resist from flirting back. I really clicked with him and we shared some good laughs. It was about 6 in the morning and everyone had gone to bed. He started to cuddle me and i told him i couldn't do this to Mary. He didn't care. I told him id go into another room because i was afraid of what i might do. He convinced me to stay with him and i could feel myself really falling for him. We kissed. The guilt really got to me. So i left the room where he was and went to sleep on the couch.

Ive been feeling so guilty since, and even more guilty because i really think i might like this guy. I told my best friend last night and she told me not to worry about it, that it was just a mistake, i stopped my tracks and if Mary doesn't find out, it'll be ok and forgotten about. However, i couldn't tell my best friend how much i really like him. I don't know what to do. If i meet him out again (which i undoubtedly will) i know ill find it hard to resist his charms. Even though Mary isn't a "3am"friends, we have mutual friends and i don't want to break the peace in the group. So sorry about how long this is!

Would really like some sound advice...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Dearest Helter,

Fuck Mary.

I mean, seriously. She hasn't been a friend, let alone a 3 am friend. Your whole concern is basically keeping the peace of your mutual friends. If none of them are jumping up and saying they're completely uncomfortable and you've put everyone in a terrible position, then why are you worried about that? Even if they were bothered, I would still say fuck Mary. She bullied you, she really isn't a friend you should be concerned about.

Social groups have a tendency toward maintaining the status quo. If you are cool and Mary's ex is cool, they will be cool. If Mary freaks, it will be Mary that makes them uncomfortable, not you. If you really like this guy, go for it.

Mary will find out eventually. And so what. What's she going to do? Make the group feel uncomfortable? That's your opportunity to say - "Why can't she just be mature, it's not like her and I are friends." You're not doing anything wrong, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Thanks for the comment. I hope you'll keep us posted.


HELTERSKELTER 7 years ago

Hi Veronica. I had just written you a big comment back and my computer disconnected so i don't think it sent! I just just want to say thank you so much for your impartial, truthful advice. You've really put my mind at ease. Im studying for really important exams that ill be sitting in a few weeks and this was bothering me as i kept getting distracted by it when studying.

I totally agree with you that Mary has never been a proper friend to me, let alone a 3am friend. She really treated me like shit for a good few years and ill never forget that. I guess i just felt so bad because she had been making a good effort with me in the past year and i had decided to give her a second chance. But ill never forget the hurt she caused me at school. I used to cry to my mum about her. Nobody noticed it because she was so clever in the way she bullied me, so subtle.

Ive decided im going to focus on getting me exams over the next fews weeks and put all this boy trouble out of my mind! If, after my exams i meet him out, we'll see what happens. He's the first guy ive properly liked since i had a bad breakup about 3 years ago. Never thought id find a guy like my ex. But on saturday night i just felt like i clicked with this guy, properly clicked. I'm not going to rush into things though, i reckon he may still have feelings for Mary (god knows why, maybe she bullied him too!) and i certainly don't want to get involved if that's the case. I think he likes me but isn't up for anything serious after his recent breakup. I'm going to give it a bit of time and see what happens.

Thank you again so much Veronica. I have many great friends to talk to but i much prefer an impartial voice, a reasoned voice in these situations. I'll let you know how things go. You're great at helping people with their problems, your friends must be very lucky to have you.

Thank you.


HELTERSKELTER 7 years ago

I've just read through some of your material on your website lonelyroadandpsychopaths. You're a VERY talented writier Veronica. Ever thought about writing a book? You write with such truth.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Helter,

You were concerned about Mary because of several things: you're a nice person, you want to do the right thing, but I think the big reason judging by your Words is that you did not want to upset the dynamic of your group.

I was careful of that as I gave my advice. I would like you to think about this though. While it's admirable to consider your friends' feelings, I hope that you will not allow fear of upsetting the status-quo get in the way of your journey. Trying to fit in, trying to maintain the "approval" of peers can often be subconscious. And sometimes while seeking that acceptance you have to pay too big a price in sacrificing who you are or what you want in life. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. I'm just pointing out that a good deal of the Wording you gave dealt with your friends. It's just something to be aware of.

I would love to write a book. If you know an agent, send the fucker my way.

Thanks for reading www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com. I hope you'll be back.


DAiiSY 7 years ago

Well here is my story.....

- one night my friends ex [Bob] my friend [Sally] her lover [Tommy] and I [daisy] were at a little party we had a water and a food fight ...everybody was having a good time since i had given Bob a ride to the party he came home with me I was tired so in the car i layed my head on his shoulder when we finally got at my house it was like around 10:00pm we went to my backyard on a trampoline ...we layed down...it was quiet...&& since he got some haircut he wouldn't take off his hat so i was trying to take it off him and wen i finally got it ...got to the side...and we kissed

The night went good we were laying down looking up at the stars thing were calm it was jus tha fact that he is my friends ex.

The other thing is that I went out with Bob's friend...Tom so Bob and I are basically in the same position.

Right we are currently friends with benefits but the thing is with me that I don't really like sharing and he does have other friends with benefits.Bob and Sally are the only ones that know about what's going on but u know how that saying goes "Sooner or later people will find out" THHATS WHAT scares me i don't know what to do im really confused I want to be with him but my friend and his friend && people are going to start talking trash


Louise 7 years ago

This article is sooo helpful!!

im still dreading telling my mate about me and her ex though, shes obsessed with him still, and shes gona pull out all the stops i think, the whole "pick me or him" thing

and im dreading it

any advice?


***I***D***K*** 7 years ago

ok,well i have this friend and she told me that she really likes my ex,after i told her i had feelings for him,and she is one of my good friends and everytime i see her all she talks about is him,but we went out for a loooonnnng time like 8 monthes! so is that ok for her to do?


Dee 7 years ago

Im the ex-girlfriend who is bestfriends with my ex, and I could watch him date "anyone" with no issue. I've even be-friended some of his girlfriends since me that have came & went. That was what I thought up until I introduced my female friend to him and she immediately asked me if it was okay for her to get his number? Its very easy as the ex girlfriend to feel obligated to accept the friends feelings for your ex. First, we have confided in each other a lot and I know she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve normally and is usually pretty cynical when it comes to dating! I of course want to see her happy (even tho I know my ex is still quite the player). And on a more selfish note I don't want to sound like I'm not over him or posessive! Especially in my case where we've been broken up for a few years and remained friends while dating others. It's hard enough to get new love interests & old friends that once saw you in love, to understand that you aren't secretly harboring feelings for each other. So I said that I didn't care what she did, they were both adults after all! (secretly thinking: she must be joking!! wat kinda friend are you?) But truthfully... No matter how much closure there may be between us its VERY awkward to have a friend try and date my ex. For me it was more irritating that she compared herself to me, in that physically we're kind of the same so she was more assured that he'd be attracted to her and we have the same ideals so they "should" get along since he & I dated & lived together for so long (3yrs) and still cared enough to remain close friends. It was like she used my relationship and what all I had confided in her about to, sort of try & win him over. She would ask me questions about what he liked or didn't like and how should she approach him etc. Soon it seems the only time she talks to me is to ask about him or to find herself invited to wherever she thought he would be. I was stuck in between my territorial side & wanting to be a good friend to everyone. My ex immediately confided in me about my friends actions & told me he really wasn't interested in her and (secretly glad) I told him how uncomfortable it made me & how I felt she was almost using our friendship to get close to him-- I have no problem being frank with him, after all Ive known him 10yrs. He gave me a a weak attempt to convince me of his disinterest in her but lately I've found that they are hanging out-- without me. Going on little trips with a group of my friends but without including me. I feel totally kicked to the side lines & Im no longer sure where loyalties lie. Im ready to disassociate myself with the both of them, it beats pretending Im oblivious. This "not dating your friends ex" has been an unspoken rule for a long time for good reason!!! Sure there are some situations where its okay, but if it is at all uncomfortable, or you have the slightest bit of doubt that it's going to ruin a friendship that you care about-- back away cautiously!! Its a messy situation if handled improperly & if you're really friends a bit of lust cant be worth the risk!!


Gemma 7 years ago

Hi everyone, just tuned in and read the comments posted 2 years ago about dating an ex. I am really keen on a guy I work with and I think he likes me we have spent time together and really enjoy each other's company. Problem is, his friend is my ex. My ex and I also work together and we were together for 2 years but broke up over a year ago. I broke it up as it just wasn't right and the guy I'm keen on knows that my ex took the break up hard. I guess it's crazy to think the guy I like will ever ask me out, right??


Alpha36 7 years ago

I had it happen to me a few months back. My best bro decided to hook up with my ex-fiancé. Everything would have been cool if me and the ex didn’t have such a crappy break up. After sending letters to my family and friends, my ex tried to basically ruin my life. Then a few months later, my boy stopped talking to me so much and I find out a few months later he’s hooked up with her! She is a vicious person, and he will find out the hard way. By that time though, I’m not sure if we can get back on the same stage of friendship. Me and the ex were together three plus years, after the breakup she moved back to her home state. I hope he’s happy man, I feel like I got a 20 inch blade stabbed into my back! But on a positive note, I hooked up with an old friend from high school and everything is wonderful! She is a dream, and I'm happy the ex got out of my life. I just wish the best friend would wise up!


Ashley V 7 years ago

okay.. so I've read the article and most of the comments and I'm trying to figure out what to do in my situation but i just can't make a decision.

My friend isn't really a friend of my choice... our families are friends.. they have been friends since i was born... she recently dated a guy and they broke up.. about 5 months ago. This boy and I have been speaking quite a bit lately and spending much time together. I am only 16 and i have dated a few guys but have never had this feeliong of wanting to spend all this time with someone. I am head over heels for him. I know its not love but it could possibly be a start. I have attempted to talk to her about it but she wont listen. she said that if i even thought about him in that way.. she would drop me as a friend. Really, i really think that if she was a true friend.. that she would at least listen to what i had to say.. but she didn't.. so really i would rather lose our friendship then him.. but my problem now is that if i do.. the families may be effected. I do not want something that i do to ruin a friendship of my parents. Im just really confused.. and i really like this guy and im scared that im not going to get my chance to be happy with someone. any advice Veronica?? :S i really need it right now???


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Ashley V,

Have you talked to your mom, or whomever it is in your family that has a friendship with these people? Unfortunately you're right: if you date this boy it may cause a major rift in the families.

If you don't get together with this boy I'm positive you will still have your chance to be happy. But if this boy is really that important and you just have to do this, remember that the real source of pain in these situations is often the dishonesty. Keeping it a secret is like lying.

Tell your family, warn them of what's going on. And then tell this girl. At the very least you will have handled the situation with as much respect and dignity as you could.


MaryElena profile image

MaryElena 7 years ago

It definitely can be a challenge when dating a friend's ex from people I know and their experiences. In one case, best friends don't speak anymore but you have to weigh what is going to make you happiest.


Carl 7 years ago

The whole "I'm where you were when you met him" Is inspired.

I'm seeing my mates ex, I'm going to approach the subject with him over drinks tonight, he doesn't have a good word to say about her.

Regardless full disclosure is the only way forward, and im glad found this article to give me a sense of perspective.

Nice one.


Alpha36 7 years ago

That is true Mary, but in my situation things were different. My Ex went out of her way to ruin my life. She sent a letter to my parents, to my close friends, neighbors, and members of my non-profit organization (VFW) She maliciously put itching powder in my clothes, wrote nasty notes all over the house, hid some of my belongings etc. After doing this, I was thankful she was out of my life and I was happy she was back in her home state. I took solace in knowing I could lean on my best friend during those tough times. Me and the best friend grew closer and he supported my decision. Everything was back to normal in my life and then I found out my best friend was going to North Carolina to visit my ex. I didn’t think much of it; they were friends when we were together. I simply thought it was a friendly reunion. Months later, they were visiting each other a lot more frequently and I confronted him about their relationship. He came clean and said he had feelings for her and they were dating. I had to go to him; he didn’t come to me about anything. That’s mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 is he let his relationship with her override our friendship. To date, he has very little contact with me and has a lot of opinionated things to say about my fiancée and her family. He isn’t the friend I used to have and that’s fine, he made that decision.


Alpha36 7 years ago

That is true Mary, but in my situation things were different. My Ex went out of her way to ruin my life. She sent a letter to my parents, to my close friends, neighbors, and members of my non-profit organization (VFW) She maliciously put itching powder in my clothes, wrote nasty notes all over the house, hid some of my belongings etc. After doing this, I was thankful she was out of my life and I was happy she was back in her home state. I took solace in knowing I could lean on my best friend during those tough times. Me and the best friend grew closer and he supported my decision. Everything was back to normal in my life and then I found out my best friend was going to North Carolina to visit my ex. I didn’t think much of it; they were friends when we were together. I simply thought it was a friendly reunion. Months later, they were visiting each other a lot more frequently and I confronted him about their relationship. He came clean and said he had feelings for her and they were dating. I had to go to him; he didn’t come to me about anything. That’s mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 is he let his relationship with her override our friendship. To date, he has very little contact with me and has a lot of opinionated things to say about my fiancée and her family. He isn’t the friend I used to have and that’s fine, he made that decision.


Mary 7 years ago

People don't "OWN" people. If it is someone's ex - who cares! I'm sorry, but if people feel a connection and wish to act on it - they should have the right to go for it. Everyone is responsible for their life - they should do what makes them happy and not worry about everyone else. Life is short - you have to take chances if you feel there is something to take a chance on - regardless of ex's, etc.


Mary 7 years ago

People don't "OWN" people. If it is someone's ex - who cares! I'm sorry, but if people feel a connection and wish to act on it - they should have the right to go for it. Everyone is responsible for their life - they should do what makes them happy and not worry about everyone else. Life is short - you have to take chances if you feel there is something to take a chance on - regardless of ex's, etc.


Katie 7 years ago

What a brilliant article.

I need to tell an old friend (we no longer talk or hang out) i'm seeing her ex. More out of courtesy really, and because i'd expect the same if the roles were reversed.

However, i am absoulutely terrified. They broke up on good terms a couple of years ago so i'm not expecting a backlash of abuse. I am just really, really dreading it.

Please can someone advise me on how not to be a chicken and just tell her!

x


Alpha36 7 years ago

In my situation, it was a bitter break up and she tried to ruin my life by sending letters to my family, friends, etc. You need to tell your friend as soon as possible. My friend never told me and I found out through other means, which made me even more aggravated. My friend wasn’t up front with me, making me question his truthfulness. Coming clean and being upfront is the best way to go, and hurry up before your friend finds out. And understand that your friend will likely never want to hang out with you when her ex is around.


Samantha 7 years ago

I've been curious for a 3rd point of view on my situation.

My ex and I dated for 3 years, I lived with him for a year and a half. I made friendships with his circle of friends. When the breakup came, it was mutual, we both shared our tears and our misses. But it seemed to me that we both needed a change.

2 weeks later I heard from a little birdie that my ex took home some of my friends (on different occasions) and ended up sleeping with them. I in all honesty, didn't care too much. My ex and I agreed on being friends. We continued to chat or talk on the phone, he would ask for advice from me etc on whatever he wanted to talk to me about. As a few more weeks past, he told me he was seeing other girls and that I should start seeing again. He told me he wanted me to be happy even if I may have that chance of encounter with a friend of his.

Well... 5 weeks after my ex and I broke up, I bumped into one of his friends(they weren't close but they hung out to go to the bar and drink or chill sometimes). We started talking and exchanging texts. I never told me ex only because I knew what could possibly come of it. I slowly would ask some questions to my ex about "if" a situation came up like how it did, how would he feel about it? about his friend? ... and he still came out and said he would be fine with it.

I ended up telling him a few days afterwords. I prepared for the worst. He got mad, when he found out who it was. This was all between me and my ex, I didn't tell anyone else. His ex-friend, did talk to him after I did not right away but he did. and things didn't work out with them.

2 months later, the ex was still a little angry (which understand completely)things were quiet amd then blew the whole situation out of proportion, was drama. This one girl, a mutual friend of my ex and his friend, decides to butt into this whole thing, only the man above would know why she such a snoop. She has her own life going on, with a husband and two kids. but by checking out my ex's friend's phone bill( which was at his sisters apartment). and stirs things up by telling everyone how much of a whore I am to be talking to his friend. She ended up manipulating the whole situation and filled my ex up with all this b.s. about me and his ex-friend. My ex and I could tell each other things and we talked about this whole situation maturely. Until her nosy little ass came around the corner.

Super Long! sorry guys and all comments are appreciated. Opinons only


Alpha36 7 years ago

Wow, that is a completely different situation. If you and the ex ended the relationship on good terms and he acted as if you dating his friend was no big deal he should have no problems, especially if you and the ex ended the relationship peacefully. In my opinion, the way the ex acted during the breakup determines the amount of hostility and anger both should have towards each other. If everything ended well, then move on and keep trucking. If it ended like WWIII then bring out the battle axes and let’s go to war.


Samantha 7 years ago

Alpha36

I guess it is a little different situation, after reading my post again. Thank you for your feedback, it was helpful!


Mr.G 7 years ago

Ok someone please help me with this!! First of all before i tell you this i am a 24 yr old male.(I still have a lot to learn!)

A good friend of mine has been on-off with this girl for years. She treats him awful and keeps cheating on him. When my friend is with this girl he completely forgets me and our other mutual friends. When they break up he comes back to me crying and it takes him ages to get over it.

So anyway, the last time she dumped him he came back in a terrible state as usual crying his heart out and i warned him if he got back with ever again i could no longer be friends with him ( i just could not deal with this all the time!)

So that was fine he accepted that and everything was going great they were broken up for about 6 months and we were closer than ever! And then he started dating this new girl(i'll call her miss S)...THIS IS WHERE IT GOT CRAZY!

The new girl he was seeing and I immediately clicked! I got on with her better than any girl ever in my entire life. she's just amazing.

Now my friend didn't like how well we were getting on and asked me not to hang out with her unless he was there, which i agreed to,BUT about a week later this amazing girl stopped dating him because he was still texting his horrible ex telling her he loves her.(I should point out he and miss S dated for 3 months)

So when they stopped dating like a couple of days later he got back with the ex who always breaks his heart. And as per my arrangement with him i have cut all ties (hardest thing i've ever had to do)

He is still with this nasty cheating girl and they are telling anyone who will listen that they're madly in love and this time its gonna work out.

Since then the amazing girl (miss S) he dated has contacted me and told me she really likes me and has since we first met( which i kinda figured). I really like her too, and even though i don't talk to the friend anymore i still feel guilty for liking her does that make sense??

Surely i shouldn't care what he thinks since he thought so little of our friendship and got back with his ex.

I'm so confused by this whole situation i hope someone can help me with this because i could really see myself being happy with this girl but is it the right thing to do??


melissa 7 years ago

Well I still have a hard time with this one. A girl that I THOUGHT was one of my best friends ended up going out with my first love after I had gotten married. Even though I was married it still seemed strange to me and i even felt a bit betrayed, ok well A lot betrayed. I'm over the boyfriend, no doubt, and honestly I just think he did that to get back at me for getting married who knows. All I know is that it hurt that my best friend would do that. I mean, she was the one that I would cry to and tell EVERYTHING to about this guy. I even gotten pregnant over him and cried to her and her mother because my first love and my parents wanted me to have an abortion! I think it's different if someone were in a really really close and loving relationship like me that guy. if it would have been someone else like someone i just dated for lets say a couple of weeks or so, then yea, i probably wouldn't have been upset. But I truly loved this guy at that time and like i said i would cry to her about him so when she layed on the news and told me she was seeing him hell yea i got hurt. I didn't let her know of course I acted like i didn't care. Needless to say, their relationship didn't last long at all - I'm sure I was on the back of their minds the whole time LOL


Devin 7 years ago

Im in a situation where a good friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend for a much younger girl who hes was cheating on her with...now im hanging out with my friends ex on a regular basis and we both are kind of into each other...my friend says he doesn't have a problem with us hanging out as long as we arent messing around....my consern is if he left her and was cheating, why does it matter whether or not i do anything with his ex....i need some insight on whether i should or shouldn't mess with the ex.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Devin,

Exactly. Why should it matter to him, if he was cheating on her, and has moved on to the other woman now anyway.

But the fact is, it does. He's let you know that it does. You need to be aware that if you become romantically involved with her, your friend is going to be upset, and it might be the end of the friendship. It's not that he's right, it's just the way he's making it be.

It's up to you what's more important to you - getting involved with her, or respecting your friend's wishes even though you may feel they are nonsensical or unfair. There is no right or wrong answer to that.

You can of course try reasoning with your friend. But usually that doesn't work. People can be oddly possessive about their ex's, no matter the situation.

If you decide to go for it with her, at least do it with dignity and tell your friend straight out. Don't sneak. There's no honor in that.


Devin 7 years ago

Ok so im back again....my issue this time is that im still hanging out with my friends ex but nothing is happening...she has told me that she is interested in me but it is too soon to do anything, which i totally agree with, but the real issue is that my friend has been ignoring me lately. He wont answer my calls or text messages, and i now found out from a different source that my friend is trying to distance himself from me. what the hell is going on?! any insight on this????


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Perhaps your friend knows she's interested in you, and you're interested in her, and feels you should have come to him and been upfront about those feelings. Maybe he even suspects now through the perceived secrecy that something IS going on.

These emotions can be very toxic. If you want to salvage your relationship with your friend, go see him and tell him how you feel.


festersporling1 profile image

festersporling1 7 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

It really depends on the friend. If you were close to the friend and who you are and the circumstance. So many variables. I have friends who got together a few years after we were apart and it was no biggie. But I know people who have dated right after with a friend of a friend and they became mortal enemies.


Lys 7 years ago

I've got a dilemma.

One of my good girl friends just broke up with her boyfriend, who happens to be the guy I like. Her and i have a fairly good friendship, but at the same time, we don't talk all the time. I have a real problem with telling her that I like him, seeing as i liked him before and while they were dating.

What do I do?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Lys,

liking him and dating him are two different things. I don't think you have to say anything unless there's actually something to tell.

But if things between you and this guy are heading in that direction, then tell her. Honestly is the best policy, and the only way she can possibly respect and accept. It's not about who's right. It never comes to that when you're dealing with people's emotions.


Lisa 7 years ago

A story from "the ex's" position, that I thought I'd share with anyone interested.

A year ago I dumped my boyfriend of two years after our relationship started getting strained and cold and I started developing strong feelings for my best friend who seemed to be there for me when my boyfriend wasn't.

My best friend was also friends with my boyfriend. When I dumped my boyfriend I admitted to him I had feelings for this other guy (at the time I thought it'd help make the break up permanent 'cause I was really sick of the fact that we kept breaking up then getting back together, although now I'm not too sure how wise it was for me to do that). My boyfriend told me he hoped it worked out between us because he didn't want our breakup to come to naught. He told me he had to tell my best friend how I felt about him because he really needed to talk to him about it, I wasn't too happy about that but I said he could if he thought talking with the guy about it would help him get through the breakup.

The boy in question made a move on me within a week, much to my delight.

However, I found out later that my boyfriend had - in his talk with my friend - given him permission to be with me but had requested that he gave him time to get over me first, as he didn't think he could handle it just then. My friend had responded with a fervent "I'm not gonna touch her, I'm not an asshole!"

My friend's popularity within our social circles plummeted, and I wasn't liked too much either. However, I was determined to make it work with him once he'd thrown me a bone, so insisted we stayed together. He refused to be official with me, though, and after the first couple of weeks (and the third time he'd said to my ex "it won't happen again, man, I swear!") he said it had to be kept secret that we were sleeping together so it wouldn't hurt my ex (or make him any less popular). By this point he and my ex had pretty much fallen out.

At the time I was horribly hurt that my friend wouldn't fight for me. That he wouldn't just turn round and go "Screw you lot, I want to be with this girl and I don't care what you think." This went on for months, no strings attached sex, me totally smitten with him while he'd still get off with other girls, him and my ex even made up before he finally just cut me off. And by cut me off I mean he didn't even say it was over, he just avoided me for weeks until I realised that our relationship, our very friendship was over forever.

I mainly think he was weak for constantly breaking his promises to my ex. He could have waited and been with me later when my ex wouldn't have cared so much any more, but instead he totally screwed his head up. And for what? He didn't even want to be with me properly. He was a rubbish friend AND a rubbish man.

Well, a few months after it was over with him I realised I was beginning to like my ex again and thought, a little older and a little wiser we might be able to make it work. After a while I won him back (and trust me, I am grateful for his forgiveness), but I had to admit to him how long it had gone on for between me and my friend. What hurt him most is that the guy had still been sleeping with me when my boyfriend had forgiven him and been friends with him again. Well, now my boyfriend has cut off his friendship with this boy for good, and says he's "scum". I'm not allowed to talk to him, either, which is fine by me to be honest. It's just that it makes things rather awkward as the guy's still good friends with our good friends, so we have to avoid a lot of social events. Which is annoying.

I guess what I want to say is that it will almost definitely make things tough between you and your friend if you go after their ex, you may fall out, they may hate you. And if any of this is likely then for GOD'S SAKE at least bother to get a good girl out of it instead of just a casual shag who ends up feeling like a total tramp and regretting ever liking you.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Lisa,

Thanks for sharing that. Your Ex/Current BF sounds like a good man. He was even a good man when you and he split and you admitted liking his friend. He asked for time but gave his blessing. He's really very mature and understanding. The friend is quite the dirtbag.


Bubbles 6 years ago

I've been reading around looking up all different topics to this question, but I still don't know what to do. My best friend met her boyfriend about a year ago and they started dating. Her boyfriend set me up with his bestfriend about a week later. So, I was dating his best friend, and he was dating mine. Both of our relationships lasted about 4 months, but my best friend's was a bit more..real. What I mean is, she and her boyfriend always spent time together, where as me and my boyfriend spend very little time actually together. So most of the time I was the third wheel. But I didn't care, because he too soon became like a best friend. And she was happy. She's like my sister and if she's happy, I'm happy.

Trouble is as I spent more time hanging out with the both of them, I came to develop more feelings toward him. He was like my buddy, I've honestly never felt more comfortable around a guy as I felt around him. I don't know exactly what happened, but I guess my ex convinced him to break up with my best friend to date someone else. I felt horrible for her, but then I was upset because I knew I was never going to see him again.

About 2 months later I get a text from him asking if he could possibly set my best friend and him back up. She said no, and then he confessed that he just wanted to get back with her to see me. When she found out he wanted to date me she flipped, she called me a backstabber, and a traitor. I felt horrible, and tried to explain that I didn't want to choose sides, and that I can't help who I like. I tried dating him, but I ended it after about 2 weeks because I couldn't take it..

I didn't hear from him for about 5 months, and now yesterday he started texting me again. All the feelings that I thought I pushed away came flooding back. I thought that I could forget him but I was wrong. Even though he really hurt my friend, I still can't help but to have feelings for him. Both of them mean a lot to me, and I really wish there was a way to resolve this without losing either of them. I gave my friend an honest answer when this issue first arouse. That if she wanted to date my ex, it would hurt me at first, but I'd deal with it. Because she'd be happy. It's the opposite with her.. I don't know what to do..


sarah 6 years ago

okay i feel rather ridiculous for having to do this, but i am sort of losing my mind.

i broke up with alex about 2 months ago.

we had been together for two years (we're 25yrs old btw).

i broke up with alex because as it turns out.. not such a faithful guy, that dude..

he confessed to cheating on me several times over the past year, and i just won't stand for that. i was heartbroken, but got over it, and am happy with my decision, because i feel that i deserve far more. (also, even when he wasn't cheating on me, retrospectively, he didn't treat me very well, not a lot of respect/appreciation/consideration, etc.) so yeah, i'm happy and settled in my decision.

now - i have been very close friends with one of alex's friends, sam, for awhile now - i'd say about 8-10 months. he's become one of my best friends, basically, even while alex and i were together we were very tight.

sam and i see each other a few times a week, and talk fairly regularly during the week. seeing him is the highlight of my days. he has always, always been incredibly considerate, genuine and kind toward me. he's been a wonderful friend. (he's been far better to me as a friend, than alex really ever was to me as a boyfriend, quite honestly). we have a rather special relationship, and feel very close to each other.

i would never ever have cheated on alex, but while we were together i did recognize that sam and i had much more in common and much more chemistry, than alex and i ever had. sam and i could sit and talk for hours on end, and we've always had this really freakishly odd sense of being in touch with one another. i know exactly what he's thinking, and vice versa..

recently sam and i have both come to the conclusion that we're basically sort of in love with each other. it's not just a 'you're hot, and nice, let's get together' type thing. it's a really deep feeling of love and respect for one another, and knowing that we each have similar goals and directions in our lives. we want the same things, and i can truly see ourselves being incredibly happy with a fulfilling relationship together.

now, really.. i feel that i personally do not owe alex anything. he cheated on me more times than i'd like to repeat, and so in that respect, i don't feel bad. however i do care about him as an individual and i worry that this will break his heart. since breaking up with him, he has "seen the light" (or you know, so he says for now) and i wants another chance to redeem himself. i have told him that will never happen - but the fact is, i know that's how he feels.. so i feel slightly guilty at the idea of me being happy with one of his friends, just thinking that.

(Note: not BEST friends, but yes, fairly good friends).

sam... i have never met someone who has understood me, and cared for me quite as deeply as he does. i can say nothing, and he understands. it's the type of in-touch ness that astounds me.

but i worry what will happen between sam and alex.. sam has said he doesn't feel that he can stand by and do nothing about his feelings, as they are not going away, and he cares about me too much to not want me in his life. i feel the same.

alex claims now that if i won't take him back, he just wants me to be happy, " no matter what"... although i assume he is not taking into consideration that i could be incredibly happy with his friend.

i feel like this COULD (with lots and lots of time?) be a situation where "never date a friend's ex" may not be the only answer.

(please note that although sam and i have mutually admitted to our feelings with each other, we have decided to not act upon them just yet. i feel that time is important, but will time fix all?)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Sarah,

It's very hard, and very rare, that a cheater changes his ways.

Alex says he has seen the light and wants to prove it to you, and if you won't take him back he wants you to be happy.

Two things come to my mind when I read that. Neither is that he wants you back.

One is that he is finding his redemption in taking this higher better road now. Guilty people tend to do things like that to make themselves appear better to others.

The other, is that he senses something up between you and Sam, and this is the perfect way to fuck with you and make you feel guilty, while he, the cheater, gets to look good and like the victim.

I've thought a lot about these relationship subjects, read a lot of comments and even more emails, and I truly believe that when you're dealing with a cheater, all bets are off.

He obviously didn't respect you if he cheated on you. Why on earth do you really give a shit what he thinks if you have found a potential partner in a friend of his? Fuck that. Sorry, but honestly that's what I think. Alex isn't your friend, no matter how mature and wonderful you are (and you seem like both), he will never be that mature or wonderful. I promise you, if he was really into one of your friends, he wouldn't hesitate.

If you hook up with Sam, Alex will get to play the wounded one, which he will love doing. Any time a cheater gets to pretend he's the victim, they play it to the hilt. So be prepared. Just don't buy into it.

The only variable I can see, is the friendship between Sam and Alex. As sympathetic as Sam probably is to you and what Alex put you through, Sam didn't experience it first person. He may see Alex in a clear light and deal with this well, but he may really have a tight bond with Alex. And guys have friendships that are different than ours, so we don't always understand and anticipate the bond that's there.

If I were you, i would leave this to Sam. I'd let Sam know how I feel and I would say, "Although I do not wish any hurt toward Alex, I really don't focus on his feelings: I focus on yours. Yours are my priority." Let him know you're OK with dealing with the fall out. And say it with a smile. Be supportive of him, and be patient as this will probably take him some time.

That's my advice, and here's my forewarning: when it comes down to it, Sam may choose his loyalty to Alex over his love for you. Just beware, you're worried Alex may be the odd man out. I'm more worried that it's gonna be you.


Marie 6 years ago

I've got a weird scenario. My friend fooled around with this one guy a bit last year. It was nothing serious, she could never figure out if they were dating or not, but it was really obvious that she liked him at the time. I'm not sure how it ended and I know they don't talk much now, but this girl is really REALLY insecure. Anyway, I'm completely smitten with her ex and unsure of what to do. Regardless of what she might actually feel towards him, I know she'd probably never speak to me again if I attempted to pursue my interests. Advice?


Sherie 6 years ago

I've been spending a lot of time with my best friends ex trying to bring them back together but he's made it clear he doesn't want her anymore because she doesn't care enough about him, and now after spending so much time together we've become attracted to each other.

I don't want to lose my best friend because of him, but I don't want to lose him either.. It's not something I can hide but I'm afraid to tell her.

I thought about it and figured since this is going to be out in the open eventually, here's how it should happen:

She is going to notice something going on between me and him and ask me about it. I will deny everything and tell her to forget it. Then she will tell me she is not stupid and it's obvious we like each other, so here I'll tell her that even if that is true I would never go out with him because shes my best friend and I don't want to lose her over any guy.

And here she would either give me the green light to go with this guy or thank me for being a good friend and watch a dramatic love story between two who like each other but cant be together because of her, which should make her feel bad and eventually be a good friend back and let me be with the guy I like.

Am I being too optimistic about this or could it actually work?


Becky 6 years ago

I really wish I had used this advice.

Rather than just coming straight out with the truth, I tried to hide the fact that I was dating my friend's ex-boyfriend. She found out, and things are not going well.

However, in this situation, the friend hadn't been a very good friend for the past few months, and I know that our friendship wouldn't last outside of college, so I am more than willing to take the chance and date her ex.


Ann 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Do you have any advice for the friend who's on the other side of it? I found out a month ago that my good friend has been dating my ex. At the time I found out, it had been going on for at least a month. She said she didn't tell me though she knew she should have, because she was terrified. So I feel like obviously she's made her choice - picked him over our friendship. Which makes me furious and deeply depressed. She and I have been friends for 7 years, roommates for 5 years. She helped me get over this guy (which took me a long time). Our relationship ended about 2 years ago.

So really I don't know what to do and I hate my life right now. It's been a month and the feelings haven't dissipated at all - I still feel terrible, hurt, sad, angry - and also lonely, because this girl is my closest friend and now I can't even stand to look at her, most of the time. She's still seeing him. We're still living together. She hasn't tried to talk to me about it at all. I would try to not to spend time around them, but that would mean being alone every day - we have the same group of mutual friends. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my best friend - but I can't stop feeling sad and upset.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Ann,

You're right, your friend picked him over the friendship.

Your situation demonstrates exactly what I said through this hub, from the other side. The pain is the deceit. The lying. Finding out she had been sneaking around behind your back for a month, after years of friendship with you, much have been horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Had she just been honest with you from the beginning, you wouldn't be in this pain right now.

It really sucks that she hasn't even tried to talk to you about it. Clearly she doesn't care how hurt you are. She wasn't terrified to tell you because she thought it would hurt you, she was terrified of her own ass getting in trouble. She is thinking of only herself. You have every right to feel exactly the way you do, and I'm so sorry.

Ann, it's really time for you to make some new friends. Move on. Ask a coworker what they're doing this weekend, or your sister, or an old friend from school you haven't talked to in a while. Volunteer for a day at an animal shelter or soup kitchen, and meet the other volunteers. You can't sit home feeling isolated, or forced to socialize with people that have treated you so badly. Join an online dating site, or take a night class, or try an open mic night someplace. Get out there and put this chapter behind you. I promise your life will get better, you just have to give it a jumpstart by opening some new doors. You'll be amazed.

xoxo best to you


Anette 6 years ago

My story is that my friend, "Mary", actually cheated on her boyfriend, "Matt", (don't want to use real names) about 2 months ago while he was away for only 2 weeks. She actually left him for the dude from what Matt has told me then came back crying to him. Of course he didn't take her back, and is not very fond of her at all.

I met him once while they were dating at her birthday party not too long before that, which she ignored him and treated him like crap, he actually informed me he was going to break up with her. Then he left for 2 weeks, came back and found her seeing another dude and it ended.

So it was kinda a bad breakup, I started talking to him not too long after that. Well this is the bad part, he came over to my house not too long after we started talking and we ended up "doing it". We continued to talk after that and it got more serious, he did inform me he didn't want to be in a relationship for awhile. He dated a really psycho chick for a year then right after they broke up is when he dated Mary. He doesn't have a good relationship streak, but honestly we all have broken hearts to mend so I don't care for his reasons too much.

So I tried to understand how he felt at the time just getting out of a few bad relationships, it did cause a little bit of problems. Everything has gotten more serious now between me and him, almost nearly 3 months later now since him and Mary have broken up and we've been seeing eachother. We aren't seeing other people, he met my mum and stuff. We've had some rocky spots not gonna lie but we've been working on it and no relationship is perfect.

But now a couple nights ago I get a text from Mary for literally like the first time in 3 months, might I add she's had a boyfriend now for about a month or 2. I guess one night when me and Matt had gone out one of her friends saw us and told her, so she is now mad at me for not telling her and just for dating her ex in general. She's mad at him and even said to him that he'd get "pussy" from me.

I know I should have told her me and him were seeing eachother, but seriously I haven't talked to her or seen her in months. What does she expect me just to text or call and be like, "Oh by the way I'm seeing your ex."

Plus, she has a boyfriend whom on her myspace claims she's "in love" with him. I don't honestly think that Me and Matt's love life is really much of her business, especially since she cheated on him and left him for another guy.

She even said to me, "I knew you guys were hittin it off at my party." Which was DEFINITELY not it considering I had a boyfriend at the time and Matt was dating my friend.

I seriously don't want her stupid drama over this, and I think if she was my real friend she would be happy for us and not say stupid shit to him about it.


joel 6 years ago

i got half way through reading comments & theres so many I had to just post! Like many, i'm here for the same reason.

It's been just over a year now since my good mate broke up with his girlfriend of a year & a half. I'm still working up the courage to ask him how he'd feel if I started seeing her. We've recently ran into each other out & about & got on really well. I never knew her that well when they dated so i'm only just now getting to know her. We haven't done anything yet, we both agreed that for this to happen we'd need to avoid hurting someone we both cared about (myself more so!! since he apparently wasn't too nice to her near the end of their relationship & ever since).

The big question is does he still have feelings for her! He says no, & has been with many new girls over the year, but it bothers me that if he's still not comfortable enough to try & be friends with her is he still harbouring feelings or just wanted to cut all ties?! of course i'll ask, but just something to consider. I'm going to tell him I like her tommorrow & guage how he feels about it.. ugghhh. hard times, but his ex & I are pretty keen on each other so hopefully its all worth it! j


JessaJane 6 years ago

Hi Veronica - I think you have great advice and i really need your help. One of my close friends broke up with this guy over a year ago and me and him have always been really good friends aswell. My Friend now has a new boyfriend and they've been together for a while now. So me and the guy have always been close and since they have broke weve been getting closer, we both really like eachother. My friend found out we were seeing eachother (I now realise i should have told her straight up in the beginning, but didn't)and was quite upset, but i don't understand why she should feel that way when they were together a long time ago and shes happy in a new realtionship. I really like him and want to pursue our realtionship but i don't know if i should end it to make her more comfortable seeing as i am her friend?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

JessaJane,

The bottom line with your friend here is not that you're dating this guy. It's that you lied to her. You didn't tell her the truth. And you admitted that, so you're more than half way to fixing this. You can still date the guy. Really, it has nothing to do with the guy. You need to work on the friendship. Apologize. Send a card. Send another. Leave a note on a windshield. Send a pizza to her workplace at lunch. Send flowers. Leave her favorite bubble gum in her mailbox. Keep trying. Repair the friendship by proving to be a thoughtful, sorry, caring friend. Good friendships are worth fighting for. Believe me. If you really were as close as you think you were, she'll come around when she heals.


sam 6 years ago

hey Veronica! here's a good one for you.

I dated a younger girl (10yrs), Ann, for over 3 years, i was her first long-term relationship. We had a great time together, but I always felt more like her friend or big brother and we decided to end our relationship and remain friends. She is a great girl and the breakup was, while the end of a good relationship, a mutual understanding.

Towards the end of our relationship I really "fell" for one of her friends, Isabella. I didn't act on it and didn't say anything to anyone. We all just continued to hang out as friends. About 4 months after our breakup, Isabella suggested we take a class together for a shared hobby. I immediately asked my ex, Ann, if this was ok. She said it was fine. Her friend asked as well. All was handled with maturity and care. The first day of the class came and Isabella and I had a great time. Isabella then made the mistake of telling my ex that I was precious and if she was sure she was ok with it. My ex was not. This all happened on the anniverary of her dads death and she didn't respond well. Isabella and I immediately cancelled the class and backed away from each other. Ann shortly thereafter apologized and said she overreacted. Isabella and I decided we should still back away from the class.

We have all continued to be friends and hang out, but i still feel something very real for her friend. We have confided in each other about personal issues but never crossed any line. It has been almost 1 year since the breakup. I really feel like telling them both how I feel, but not sure of the ramifications. Your advice from the past seems to suggest I reveal my feelings to them both.

I think it's very possible that her friend and I are a better match. Isabella and I have not shared any romantic feelings with each other, in my case, out of respect for my ex, Ann. Your thoughts are appreciated.

sam


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

You're a good man, Sam.

Every step you've taken so far was the right one.

You and Isabella were honest about the class, and then Isabella was honest about some feelings. Your ex was given respect. That's always the important thing.

It's hard to be "honest" about something that you don't know the full truth to yet. You've been very good about telling the ex what's going on and exemplary in respecting her feelings. The ex did the right thing saying the class was ok, and then reacted badly about the feelings becoming evident. But that's human, and she did own up to that and apologize. And like you said, had some other emotional stuff going on at the time that probably skewed the situation.

A year has gone by since the break up. You've done everything right. You can ask Isabella out now. You should of course continue on your honesty path and tell your ex. Odds are she's already absorbed the idea and will be ok.

And even if she has a momentary freak-out, I think like the last time she will come around. Either way, you are in the clear. Nicely done. Very respectful, very honest.

You're a catch.


sam 6 years ago

thanks Veronica! I really appreciate it. I think Isabella is a bit gun-shy after last years class issue, so I am biding my time and allowing friendships to be primary. In my mind, if the feelings between Isabella and I are real, time will not hurt them and actually nurture them I believe. I would rather be respectful of their long standing friendship and have Ann's blessing. In the long term, it will be better for all involved.

Thanks again. I will keep you updated!

sam


Ranchers 6 years ago

I went out with this guy for about a day and him and my friend are friends.They talk every single day. I'm starting to believe she likes him and I'm pretty mad.She's known to be the type of person to go out with anyone whether its an ex.I still like him and I've told her that but I really think she would go out with him behind my back.Should I still acknowledge her as a friend?


casinocashlover 6 years ago

Ok I have a good one for you guys I so need ur advice. I fell in love with my friends ex. she is totally miserable to everyone shes always right and everyone else is dumb. I really dnt want to be her friend anymore cuz she isn't fun anymore just a big drama queen. anyways we're all co workers. she finally just gave me permission to talk to him AT work. they broke up almost a year ago cuz things just weren't working out. I was not the cause of the break up. anyways we became friends over the months and developed a rel

lationship. and we fell in love. she never knew about us hanging out or texting each other and stuff. but now its starting to come out. which is fine. but all this drama is starting and she is starting it. like im her friend i shouldn't be with him and if i ever was she was gna kick my butt. I am really done with my friendship with her. i have been for awhile. I didn't mean to fall in love with him it just happened. anyways i dnt know what to do. lose the guy i love so his ex aka my so called friend doesn't get pissy that i dnt want her to my life miserable especially at work. and i don't want to lose him. what do i do? Ditch the guy i love? or remain her "friend" to have a civil work environment?


casinocashlover 6 years ago

ranchers- she is no friend! if she does this everyone else why wouldn't she do this to you too? I have had "friends" that did that to me too. I think it was only to make them feel better about themselves, that they could get the guy and i couldn't. it all comes from lack of self esteem that ur "friend" seems to have. I hope it all works out for you!


ranchers 6 years ago

thnx so much


Alex145 6 years ago

Hi everyone. Well a few months ago, I went out with my best friends ex secretley. I lied to her an when I told her what was really going on, she was kind of pissed, but she remained my best friend. Then, I go out with him again and I tell her this time, and she was really pissed at me. Were friends now, but defitntley not like me and her were before. Sometimes, I want to cry....I miss our old friendship so much. I need help...how can I get our friendship to the way it was before? I'm only in sixth grade, and there's already so much drama! Thanks for writing this articale and please respond!!!


Emily D 6 years ago

I am the friend who was left behind when my ex and my friend started dating. I SO wish they had read this article and handled it this way. She promised me prior to this that she would never date him. Then he asked her to dinner and she hid it from me because she didn't know what would come of it but told others. After a couple of weeks they finally told me. What hurt the most is exactly what you say- the dishonesty. And the fact that she wasn't open with me, but openly discussed it with others. It came totally out of the blue and devastated me. Additionally she played the tit for tat game and told me that my relationship with the ex (which lasted over a year) wasn't what I thought it was, tore it apart, and essentially minimized it. Needless to say I am no longer friends with either the ex or my now former friend. I cannot promise that we would have remained friends if they had done as suggested above but I certainly know I would still respect them.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Emily D,

I'm so sorry you have gone through what you have. Thanks so much for the comment. Your take on the article is especially validating as it is based in experience. Even saying you don't know that you'd still be friends but you're sure you'd at least respect them - wow, that is very strong and well put. Thanks so much for sharing that.

Best to you.


Sharon 6 years ago

Can I get some opinions here on an issue?

So, my sisters good friend of many years just broke up with her boyfriend. They are in the early 20's and dated for about several years. Several times a week my sister and her friends all get together and chat all night. I have recently joined because I'm around their age so I'm feeling like a friend but not completely. Anyways, I have always had a crush on her boyfriend and thought we would make a much better couple... (my sisters friend is a bit ummmm crazy at times). He was like a fantasy and I understood he was nothing more than that, so thats fine. But after they broke up, I find out he likes me. We are just 2 nice laid back people who get along. But when I do talk to him, I never tell the friend because I know she would be furious. He is the type of guy that is marriage material though and thats the issue I'm having. What do you think? Is this something that time will help with (like, would it be easier for my friend if I waited a bit?) Would love to hear what everyone thinks.


Confused girl 6 years ago

If my friend id going out with my best guy friend and that guy friend told me he loved me while he was going out with my friend and said he was going to ask me out in a couple of weeks what should i do? i don't want to break my friends heart! HELP ME!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

confused girl,

Your guy friend told you he loves you even though he was going out with your friend. What a game playing jerk.

Don't break your friend's heart by telling her, she probably won't believe you. Just keep your distance from this situation. This guy is actually trying to come between friends. He has no respect for you, your friend, or the friendship you think you have with him.


Tygalilly 6 years ago

I found this article because I was looking for ways to handle my own situation.

My ex and I had a very serious relationship. He moved away to study and I had to stay because of personal obligations. Our relationship did not end on a bad note and we have remained very good friends, up until now.

We have a friend in common and sometime back she started asking me questions about me and my ex's relationship. I was honest, but I didn't go into detail because as close as my friendship was with her I thought my relationship with him was still a private matter.

The plot thickens because my friend is the kind of person who starts a new relationship without even ending her previous one – something I've always told her will come back and bite her in the arse.

My ex told me she that told him of her attraction to him and asked him to fly home so they could hook up. She said nothing to me. All this time, she was involved with someone. He admitted his curiosity and the possibility of pursuing it, and still she said nothing. I started to drift away from the friendship with her because I didn't feel she was honest enough.

Suffice it to say, my ex came home recently and my friend, who is still involved otherwise, had sex with him. All of this, was after he came to see me and tell me that he still had feelings for me.

I feel betrayed by them both even though I knew it would come to this.

Of him: Even though he has for the most part been honest and begged to get our friendship back, all I think of is the fact that he slept with her even though she was still involved. Risking our friendship over something that might not last and over someone who doesn't seem to have any real feeling for anyone but herself.

Of her: She didn't even care enough about our friendship to say anything to me. Our friendship can't have meant that much because it's not like she can say she loves him, he seems to be just a space filler.

Of it all: People can do whatever they want. Nobody has to ask anybody else's permission to date someone. But manners maketh man and respect is due to the dog. I guess it all matters what is more important to you.


casinocashlover 6 years ago

hmmm that is very interesting!


loveofnight profile image

loveofnight 6 years ago from Baltimore, Maryland

thumbs up for you, this is a very interesting read......thx 4 share


Manesti336 6 years ago

Am amazed at that a lot of people are faced with this tough decision.

I had a relation ship of over 5 years, well most of it I tried to compromise a lot and thats the reason things stayed this long. We broke up because I got a lot closer to another girl who was really nice to me, the first time I told her it was nothing wrong and we moved on, but on the next occasion when she saw her txts in my phone she called it off. Its been 3 months now.

Now, her best friend from high school, who we used to all hang together then, became closer to me, she herself just came through a rlly hard break up, which obviously I supported through that time because her friend really was not in town. so she is always with me. out of the blues I have fallen for her, because she is kind and not jst good to me but a good person. She obviously feels the same surprising. We txt, we hang out and all, but she keeps talking of how bad she feels.

Now the friend is back in town, and she feels sick to her stomach. she says she would deny if her friend ever confronts her. As for me, am sure of what I want so my opinion in this is that she tells her friend, or she lets me tell her friend. I said let me because I don't want to spoil any friendship. but it seems like she does not have the mind to do that.

What should I do, leave the whole thing and still be friends with them both, because it seems that she is not ready to go through the trouble or even try, or do I just hang around and wait until she is ready to say something to her friend. I dont know what exactly to do, because if I am to take this risk, it has to be with someone that is ready to take it with me.

Fianlly, why is it difficult for people to accept that you can actually genuinely have true feelings for the best friend of an ex?


Unsure One 6 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I am in desperate need of help, in relation to this article. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for one year, we were very serious about eachother, and I thought things would last much longer than they did. About one month ago, he broke up with me because he "lost the magic in our relationship". I was devastated, just like any other girlfriend would be. I know that there is no way we will date again in the near future. We broke up on good terms, and wanted to remain friends no matter what.

However, recently he has expressed feelings for my close friend. I am extremely hurt by this, and also the fact that she is somewhat for it, and leading him on. I have found out that they kissed, which is completely tearing me to pieces. I thought she was my friend, but now I don't really want anything to do with either one of them, but I see them every single day at school. She has told me, even before all of this happend, that she doesn't like him like that, and that she likes her other guy friend who is in a relationship - and that she would wait for the other friend. I supported her in that decision, but to find out that her and my ex had somewhat of a little fling going on really upsets me to no end.

I want to try and put this all behind us, and all three of us still want to be friends. However, currently my ex boyfriend is ignoring me and having my friend speak his thoughts to me.

I am utterly confused on what to do and I hope that someone would be able to help me. If you need more information, I would be happy to respond.

Thank you so much!


Avitalwar 6 years ago

Hey Veronica! I have been reading a couple of your articles and you seem very knowledgable, patient, and kind (:

I am in need of help! Can you help me out?

Here is the deal.

I dated a girl for about a year in which we had our ups and downs... She liked me the entire time and was completely faithful. I on the other hand cheated on her twice and lied to her about it when she heard from other people about it. I convinced her that I was telling the truth and got away with it. I really really liked her the entire time tho, and was just confused if she liked me back too... One night, she was with her frends and when she was alone with one of her frends who doesnt know me, but knew about me being her girlfrend kissed her...

She didnt tell me, i found out. I didnt take it too well and made her feel really bad about it.

We were fine then i guess but then she had to leave for good.

So she moved countries but I really miss her now.

I am really protective of her and cant stand to see her with someone else.

We are supposed to be doing a long distance relationship but its not working out. I want to break up with her but I dont want to lose her at the same time. I am really confused. I want to move on but I cant stand to see her with someone else! I am sooo confused. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am going to explode. Help!


2n8t 6 years ago

hey veronica,

i was wondering if you can help me out with a problem of mine, maybe give me some tips on how to deal with the situation?

Okay so its a long and confusing story, but here's a little bit of wats going on,

i'm like totally falling for a friend of mine and we both know how we feel towards each other, BUT the problem is he's an ex of BOTH of my friends. n its the one thing that's holding us back. its like a thin line that's between the both of us, BUt its been over like 5 years now . well i dont really talk to both my friends much anymore cuz we're all busy with life. we just see each other once in a while , but i still feel unsure if i should go for it or not and if they would be cool with it?

these questions keep popping into my head like wat if they feel uncomfortable, or wat if they dont want to be friends anymore, or if i should tell them first and know wat they think or etc etc etc

i noe i don't need permission from anyone on who i should be dating or goin out with, but even though we aren't as close as we use to be i still want us to stay friends.

THis is just a little of wats goin on, but i just dont knoe wat to do anymore. HELP!!??


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Avitalwar,

Honestly the feelings you're expressing don't sound healthy. You cheated and lied, but when she kissed someone else you were very judging and mean. You express serious possessive jealousy and control issues that concern me. Perhaps some of it is part of the learning curve; you sound very young and this is maybe your first real taste of caring for someone, and seeing how your irresponsible actions can really damage other people and your own happiness. I think you should let this go, try to learn from it, and move on. Good luck to you.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

2n8t,

You sound very sweet and nice, and it's admirable that you are concerned about how your actions will affect others, Please never lose that, it is a fine quality that will serve you well in life.

These friends that you don't see or talk to much anymore, that were involved with this guy 5 years ago, have most likely moved on with their lives. You're probably ok to go ahead and explore your feelings with this guy. But like I said in this article, I'll say it again. It would be best if you let them know first. The thing that really bothers people in situations like this is the feeling that they were disrespected by secrecy and lies. If you eliminate that, and give them the courtesy and respect of letting them know you have an interest in this guy, nothing has happened yet, but you would like to explore your interest and wanted them to know about it first.

Good luck with this, I think you'll be ok.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Unsure One,

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. It is exactly what I wrote about in this article. Your friend lied to you about the fling and her feelings, and kept the whole thing secret from you. That's blatant disrespect and I can see why it hurt you. As for your ex ignoring you and sending his thoughts to you through your friend is ridiculously immature. You're very wise to want to put this all behind you, and you're very generous and mature to want to try to maintain some kind of friendship. It would very nice if you can do that, but the two other people involved haven't been conducive to there being a wise and mature outcome here. I'd say, let it go. If time helps them to come around and make an effort at some kind of friendship or acquaintanceship with you, so be it.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

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Host adsl-70-253-167-157.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net

Location US, United States

City Arnold, MO 63010

Organization SBC Internet Services

AT&T Services, Richardson, TX


KimGarland 6 years ago

I am in a similar situation. My best friend dated someone 11 years ago "online" and spent about a week with him in person. We became friends around that time. I don't recall her ever speaking of still loving him or anything like that, it was 11 years ago and she was only 17. She is now in a serious relationship talking kids and marriage. I am a divorced, single parent and have been dating but not finding anything serious for 2 years now. The ex from 11 years ago also has been thru a divorce and advised my friend he had interest in me. On his end she encouraged it, told him she didnt care if he pursued me and gave him my new last name to find me online (he lives out of state). So, he continued to email me for months and eventually after having some long conversations with him, I realized he is a great guy and we have a lot in common and I have developed feelings for him. He wanted to get a plane ticket to see me for a weekend, so I was honest and told my friend I have developed feelings and he is coming to see me. She got very upset, told me it is uncomfortable for her and weird but that she will not tell me what to do and will always be my friend. She just says she cannot come around when he is here. I figure I will respect that and follow my heart, we are all adults here. I don't expect her to come around when he is here to visit and I would hope that if something big came of it she would eventually get over it especially if I who have been thru so much were happy. I would have never pursued a friends ex, but with 11 years time and her in a relationship of her own and being alone myself for so long, not to mention she encouraged him to contact me, I don't think it is wrong to follow my heart. He has since come and we had a great time and plan to do it again very soon. My friend has not really spoke to me about it but is being very strange to me. I out of respect for her am not going to try to talk to her about details and am just speaking to her about other things, but I keep seeing snide comments on facebook or in emails between all of our friends. I think it was she didnt care and pushed him to me, didnt expect anything to happen, and now that it has she's trying "take-backs" and ill always be your friend but now acting strange, so once again "take-backs". I've been honest and kept nothing secret, what more can I do? What if he is the one? I don't want to lose my friend however.


Frank 6 years ago

My ex and I broke up during spring break. Now it's summer, and two days ago I was eating at FuddRuckers when I received a text from her asking for one of my friend's numbers.... what should I do?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Frank,

Her texting you asking for your friend's number is not very cool. It's one thing if she and one of your friends discover they are hitting it off and might like to date. It's entirely something different for her to ask you for a guy's number. It's just not a very classy move. I'd completely ignore it if I were you. Clearly, she isn't done playing with you.


Mina 6 years ago

Thanks for this blog - obviously very useful to many, including me.


Louise 6 years ago

Hi Veronica, you seem fairly wise so maybe you can offer me some advice ...

I broke up with my ex about a year ago, we were together for about a year. We had previously been in a relationship about 5 years before this for 2 years, however we broke up and remained friends for the 5 years before deciding to get back together again. This is now well and truely over and we both agreed this was for the best and it was all very amicable. We are not as good a friends as we were but still friends. He said that he hopes I meet someone nice and that he will always care about me but that we are better off as just friends. Anyway I have recently been spending a lot of time with a mutual friend of ours whom my ex and I have both known for about 8 years. We are starting to become more than just friends however he is unsure about whether he is being unfair to my ex. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me but that there is an 'unwritten' law that you don't touch your mates ex and he doesn't want to loose his friend. I told him that is fine and I'm not going to push him into anything he doesn't want and we can just be friends but the more we try to do this the more we are definitely not just friends. He is a really decent guy who would never hurt anyone so I can understand why he is so concerned about his friendship with my ex. I really like this guy and I think we could have a really great future together. We spend hours talking and laughing together and I know he feels the same way but is torn. What should I do? Should I speak to my ex and tell him how I feel about our friend? I'm not sure he he would take it but I think in time he would be ok with it. Or should he tell him what is going on and keep it as a 'man to man' chat? I just really want this to work out and I don't want to mess up anyone's friendships.


Beccccaaaaa 6 years ago

Hi veronica

ok my problem is my bff broke up with her bf about a year ago, she had too, because her mom made her. Anyway throughout there 8 month relationship her bf would call and text me alll the time, and i started developing feelings for him, and another thing is that her ex is my brothers bff so i dont really know what to do! and the guy(Justin) has still been telling me how he cant stand my bff(leslie) but she keeps telling me how much she still loves him! And i recently found out that Justin likes me! but leslie said if i ever dated him she would never talk to me again!!! so what shud i do?


Ro'Ann 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

This is always such a touchy topic. I never thought i'd find my self in one of these situations. But here goes....

I'v been with this guy for 3yrs n days,,,,I loved him,,,still do too....but not the same as when i was with him, but just as a friend. He has this friend that i'v liked since the start of our relationship. The friend likes me too.

But the friend and i never made any advances on each other, until the break-up. The friend and i have always been into each other,,,,and it is still now that way....his feeling never changed for me even tho he knew i was with his friend. Basically he was waiting for me.

I told my ex how i felt about him, and he knew how his friend felt about me. But he says i can't have them both. And that if i start dealing with his friend, then him and I can't be friends.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place!! I don't want to lose wither of them and i don't want to tarnish the friendship he and his friend has. Both myself and the friend have spoken to him about the situation. But he still remains firm on what he said.

He (the ex), said he's accepted the fact that his friend and i may become an item. But yet he still won't have us as friends anymore.

I dunno what to do. I really like this friend (it feel like its turning to Love), and i really don't want to lose the friendship with my ex.

I just want him (ex) to be understanding. He's even moved on.

What should i do??


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Ro'Ann,

You and your ex's friend were admirable, speaking honestly and openly with your ex about your feelings, and doing so before anything actually happened between you. You both handled this very well.

Your ex is being selfish. If he's already moved on, why begrudge you and his friend the happiness you're seeking?

And that is what this hub was about: sometimes even if you do everything right, this is still one of those subjects some people can't be OK about.

Your ex has every right to feel the way he feels. The thing is, when you force someone to make a choice, they will. For me, anyone that puts any kind of condition on our friendship, isn't a friend.

A real friend should be your friend, no matter what. If I were you I would tell your ex you respect his feelings and you wish him the best in life. And I would go out with his friend.

If that "feels" wrong to you, you need to consider just how close or unresolved your feelings are for your ex.

Good luck.


jonafern 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Just wondering if I could get your thoughts on a situation of mine. My best friend recently just started dating one of our friends (call her X). X and I hooked up and kind of saw each other for about a month about 9 months ago, my best friend not knowing this ever happened. Over several months before they acknowledged they were dating, us three became pretty close, and X became pretty much a notch below my best friend (we were good friends before but our friendship increased).

I moved out of state in February, when I came back up in April to visit, I noticed my best friend and X started to have something for each other. They seemed to not know this themselves, but my intuition picked it up. I felt really weird when they started hugging each other one night, and when I went back to my new state, I spoke to my best friend and asked him if anything was going on between them. I told him I felt really weird about them dating/romantic with each other.

His response was pretty much a smack in the face. He pretty much laughed at my face for suggesting something was 'happening' between them. Anyway about 1.5 months after that conversation, they ended up telling me they were dating/seeing each other. And I felt very very betrayed. More from my BF and some from my 'close to best friend' X. I spoke to them both on skype nearly every day, so I felt like they were lying to me the whole time.

On top of this, my best friend teases me about X ALL the time, we have this inside joke about her being my 'wife' and over time I just played along with it. And he was still teasing me about her even when they started romantically. Is that not sly? Also, when he finally decided to tell me about it. He tells it to me in the most slyest way, he rings me up 7am in the morning and says, 'hey buddy, is it ok if I date your wife?'? Half asleep, and not knowing if he was joking or not, I said yeah thats fine and went back to sleep.

Over the next few days and month now, the more I think about it, the more I want to not talk to him or both of them and punch him in the face.

My question to you is, are my feelings towards this justified? Because when I tell them both my story, they pretty much make me sound like a complete ****ing idiot. I don't know. Your thoughts?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jonafern,

Your feelings are justified.

First of all, it's pretty much ok to feel the way you feel no matter what. Acting on those feelings is what you have to be careful about.

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. Laughing in your face when you were brave enough to bridge this conversation and even offer your feelings of uncomfortableness, makes him the ass. And afterward you spoke all the time. He had plenty of opportunities to apologize to you for being so immature and ignorant.

Basically this is what the article is about: being honest and showing respect to your friends.

Your wording is very clear throughout your comment. The problem is the way they went about it, not the fact that they discovered they had feelings for each other. As you so bravely admitted to your friend initially, seeing them together made you uncomfortable. But what has you feeling betrayed and thinking about punching, are the acts of selfishness and betrayal. Your "best friend" clearly does not give a shit about your feelings, or in showing you even the slightest bit of respect. That sly phone call (great word for it btw) was his way of doing what he may have been pushed to do by X, but twisting so that he serves only himself.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It could have gone alot differently than this. My thoughts - you don't need a best friend like him. Nobody does. Laughing at you when you asked?? And then that sly phone call?? Nope, I wouldn't be friends with anyone that asinine. As for X, I don't know enough about her, other than that she let this happen, and that says alot about her.

Good luck to you.


jonafern 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Thanks Veronica. I've been feeling very weary about this whole situation. It feels really good to be able to get some good advice from someone who knows this topic inside out.

I can't thank you enough. You've really cleared things for me.

Thanks

Jonathan


Kim 6 years ago

Veronica I'm in desperate need for help! I have this friend (girl) who is very very sweet and a lot of guys like her, but it rarely goes further than a few dates, blowing them off and making out with them when later when she's drunk.

About 5 months ago she started 'dating' this guy, I mean they went out but since they were never boyfrend and girlfriend they never even kissed. And since he is a really good guy I know for a fact that she hasn't kissed him drunk, to this day.

To make this short, she told him he wasn't really what she was looking for or something like that and they 'broke up'. They went out for about two months in total. She wasn't upset about it and i think she got over it in a healthy way (I mean she doesn't call him when she's drunk like she does with the other guys.

OK everything is great.. up to a few weeks ago when i saw him on a bar, we only exchanged looks because we have never been formally introduced, but we both know who the other one is. The next day we began chatting on messenger and we have almost everyday since then. I had always looked at him as a friend and nothing more and I thought he did too, until last week when he started asking me for my number, I freaked out and changed subject he didn't insist. Anyways, he has been very flirty this past week and he has asked me out several times, and I would like to go out with him, but i feel guilty just by talking to him.

The thing is, I think I actually like him more than I allow myself to admit, we have a lot in common and I really enjoy talking to him. But I feel really bad for my friend because I love her and would never want to hurt her. I don't know whether to tell her or wait to see if there is even a need of telling her, I mean, if there is even a reason to be worried (only reason being that he likes me as much as I think). Should I tell her what I suspect? Or should I go out with him once and see how I feel about it?

Well I really hope you answer Veronica, I know it's an old post but I really need some advice. Just for the record we (me and my friend) are both fresh out of high school, he's 4 years older than both of us.

Ps. LOVED! absolutely LOVED the hub!


Tygalilly 6 years ago

Dear Veronica:

I posted here about two months ago and thought it was only fitting that I added an update so people who find themselves in this situation can see one of the myriad ways it could develop.

My own situation has spiralled into the stuff of soap operas – becoming a tornado that has sucked at least two other friendships into the vortex of confusion.

*Sigh* where do I begin? 'The her' and I share a couple friends, and there are two she confided in - albeit telling them only parts of the truth, making it seem like nothing was going on. She even went on to tell them that I was 'obsessed' with 'the him' and didn't want anyone to have him since I couldn't.

Their friendships remained intact and mine whithered because they believed what 'the her' said until things came to the first head and I showed them the email that 'the him/the ex' sent, begging me to talk to him and for our friendship back.

After that 'the her', prompted by 'the him' called to apologise. But because the situation was by now so dirty and muddled, I emailed them both and told them I wanted nothing more to do with it or them.

The friends 'the her' and I shared saw a glimpse of who was obsessed when she hastily packed her bags and took off for 'the him's' country of residence for a visit. She tells them she's still involved with her BF, while she's told 'the him' that she's single.

The plot continues to thicken. All the while, I feel like I've been treated by the 'friends' we shared like I'm the one that did something wrong.

I guess I missed the memo where I was supposed to jump for joy at all the confusion. I guess I'll keep you guys posted on what happens next.

But my question is: Will it ever go away?


Confusedx593483 6 years ago

Alright, my story is pretty crazy but now I just have no idea what to do. It all started last year when I was dating a guy, and he had a friend (we'll call him K) and I ended up hooking him up with my friend (we'll call her S). The two of them ended up being "f buddies" and three months later I broke up with my guy and I hated his friend K because of some shit that happened. S and K continued for a bit, but then stopped seeing eachother as well. She also cheated on him a bunch of times, and said she had no feelings for him by the end of it. My ex ended up passing away this year, and me and K got closer because of this. S told me that she would be mad if we started to create feelings for eachother. Unfortunately and unexpectedly, me and K did. I told S that K liked me, and I didn't know what to do. S told me to just be careful. So I was, but it didn't stop me and K from being together alot. I actually started to like him so much. S found out from one of K's friend that I was seeing him without her knowing, and she FREAKED. She was a biotch about it and made my business public to a bunch of other people. She was acting selfish and just down right nasty towards me. I apologized and told her I would stop seeing him. She also told me that they slept together before I brought it up to her the first time. So is he the bad guy for not telling me this or should I just shrug it off cause they ARE exes, he was hurt from my ex passing, and we didn't even like eachother THAT much in the beginning?

She hasn't been the best of friend though lately, she's just starting to get on my nerves because of how NOT of a good friend she is. I've always been there for her, and she's tried to be there for me too but I don't see her being grateful for all that Ive done (minus sneaking behind her back, okay I'll give her that but trust me, I've done enough for that girl).

Unfortunately, I kept talking to K as a friend, but now my feelings are probably stronger than ever for him (also mutual for K) and she doesnt know again. Yes, I should tell her but really, I don't even know if I want to be friends with her. It'll just be like breaking up with a loved one though, so now I'm honestly confused and don't know who's more worth it. Help, give me some insight, somehow!


Lola 6 years ago

I need your advice...

My boyfriend recently broke up with me.. I was upset for a few days. During the break up, HIS friend would text me as a friend, asking how I was doing so we began talking that way. Well 2 weeks ago, my ex's friend told me he had a crush on me. I admitted I had a crush on him as well. He asked me out on a date and everything was great. We clicked and I can't seem to get him out of my head.

This situation has been difficult for him because he is friend's with my ex but they aren't GREAT friends. He feels closer to me. He wants us to date, but feels like he can't betray his friend.

I have strong feelings for him but he keeps going back and forth whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with me.

I told him we have to tell my ex soon, we can't hide it. And he has to know that if we were to tell my ex, he would risk not being friends with him.

I want him to choose me, but right now I am just waiting for him to decide if he wants to tell my ex the truth or just end things with me. If he chooses his friend, I told him we can't even talk anymore. I need to guard myself and try to get over him.

My question is, if he decides to choose his friend, should I respect his wishes and stop talking to him? Or should I fight for my happiness? I've never felt this way about anyone and I don't want to regret not fighting for him and wondering what if.

What should I do?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Lola,

Any one, under any circumstances, if he doesn't choose you, should be considered as exactly that: someone who did not choose you. I don't think I would fight to get someone who wasn't willing to fight for me.

In your situation, all the wounds are still very fresh. Why not just give this some time and see what happens with this friend of your ex.


Luke 6 years ago

I'm in this situation where I'm starting to get feelings for one of my bestfriends ex's, they went out for 5/6 months or so and broke up many months ago, as well. And I was her friend a while ago but we drifted apart because of my friend and her breaking up, and before they did there was a big group of friends (Like me, my friends, and their girlfriends) and after the two couples of the group broke up the group split apart and I stopped talking to the girls.

Well recently this group has gotten back together and it's just like old times, it's great, everyone's having fun, but like I said I'm getting feelings for my friends ex and I think she's the same toward me, we both really flirt with each other and we had a small peck on the lips, too, which was great, but we were also both a little drunk, and later on she asked if I would kiss her sober(and I would), but I stupidly said maybe as her friend was there and of course because of my friend.

And what ticked me off even more the day we kissed she and my friend had drunken sex, for the first time since breaking up and that royally pissed me off because my friend has a girlfriend and is obviously only using her for sex. The girl also has a sort-of boyfriend(if that makes sense), but they've only been going out for a week or so and she's said openly she doesn't have feelings for him. I'm also not sure if she still has feelings for my friends, so this situation is so messed up.

Please help :(


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Luke,

This group sounds quite casual, and young, and I wouldn't stress the fact that she's you're friend's ex. She has a bf sort of, your friend has a gf but just drunk-sexed her again... Really I don't think you have to worry. The one thing you should do is just let your friend know. Just tell him you kind of like her. You don't have to have a whole conversation, you don't have to have a conclusion. Just let him know for the sake of the friendship, and then move on in the conversation. You don't even know if she really does like you, or is still way into the ex since she drink fucked him while having a bf.

It's an interesting group there. Give your friend just a small heads up. and then follow your heart.


Courtney 6 years ago

Okay so I am in highschool, and my friend dated this boy for about a month and a bit... She broke it off with him because she thought she didn't like him. Pretty much right after she broke it off she realized that maybe she did like him still and sort of ended up breaking her own heart. Me and her ex have been really close friends for a long while as well, I've remained neutral in their situation. But her ex and I have gotten even closer recently and I've just realized that I feel for him in a "more than friends" manner... And I know he's liked me in that way for quite some time now. And about a month ago I reassured my (girl) friend that I didn't see her ex in that way and that me and him were just really good friends, which was true, but then a week or so after that I started feeling more. So it's been almost 6 months since they broke up... And I don't know how to go about this situation. Like, him and I are probably going to date. Do I ask her first if she's okay with it?? Or do I tell her how I feel for him? I know she was even upset with the fact that him and I are bestfriends, but I think it was because she was never as close with him as I am, And the fact that she broke up with him should make things a little easier... But I am just stuck!!!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Courtney,

"..(she) ended up breaking her own heart." - is a great line. Well written.

I don't think you should ask permission, but I believe you should tell her how you feel before anything happens. The sooner the better. Just be honest like you were here. Tell her, you've never lied to her, but as time has gone on your feelings have changed toward this boy. Tell her, nothing has happened, but you wanted her to know how you felt.

If she asks if he feels the same about you, tell her yes he does. But again, nothing has happened.

If you ask, you're giving her the power to decide for both of you what you will do. If she says no, and you two get together anyway, that's going to make it even harder on her. But by just telling her that you have feelings for him, you're letting her know you want to be honest and you respect her.

You may be surprised at how she takes the news that you have feelings for him. She may say she already knew, and thought this was coming. She may be shocked and get mad at you. Whatever her reaction, you can reinforce that you can't help how you feel, and these feelings are new for you too, you had no idea you would wind up feeling this way.

One day at a time.

Good luck to you all.


Sam 6 years ago

right i was with her ex for 3days about a month ago, she still really likes me but i've been with her friend for about 2weeks in secret, she's getting really stressed because she doesn't want to lose her friend but she cant stp thinking she will, she wont bring it out to her friend because she is too scared to hurt her but she really doesn't want to lose me and nor me to her, i feel towards her like nothing i've ever felt towards anyone before and i really want it to work and i think she's getting towards a point of ending us and i really don't wnat this to happen and i don't know what we can do to get out of this, she's upset her friend before with things like this and being forgiven but she recons this time will be the last straw :/


Patty 6 years ago

So im a 9th grader in high school. one of my close friends just got dumped by her boyfriend on friday (today is thursday)and she already had a new boyfriend by saturday. Well last yr when i moved to the town i live in now i really liked this guy(her ex) well i just pushed him aside cuz they ended going out and were off and on all 8th grade yr. well me and him started talking alot and he likes me and i like him, but my friend says she still likes him. i have an equal amount of friends telling me diffrent things. but i think if she still really liked the guy i like she wouldnt have a boyfriend. i really like this guy and she now knows that but shes still sitting between us. idk what to do. ive loved this guy for a little over a yr. Help pleezz!


Patty 6 years ago

Hey Sam, I kinda had the same problem that i just solved. I liked this guy for a little over a year but he was dating one of my closest friends. He broke up with her on a Friday and she had another boyfriend by Saturday. Since she moved on, and he told me how he feels about me and i finally got to tell him after a long long year, he asked me out. I told him to wait a litte while because I didnt want to lose her as a friend. When i talked to her and told her how we liked eachother she asked me not to go out with him or anything. Then after like two days i relized if she was really my friend she would want me to be happy too, and she has a boyfriend. I have been going out with this guy for a little over a week now and im sooo happy with him, i lost her as a friend, and belive me we were really close, but i belive if she was my friend she would put everything aside and want me to be happy to. Maybe some day she will forgive me, but i dont know.

So i think you should tell your gf that if her friend really was a friend she would want her to be happy.

Hope i helped!


stephanie 6 years ago

Ok So I need help! Like ASAP...I was with this boy Chase and we realy liked eachother then I broke up with him because I thought I was losing intrest in him . I realized that I made a mistake so I told him I was sorry and that I messed up.he said it was ok and to stop bringing myself down that he hates seeing me cry. Then later my best friend texted me and said I told Chase I like him ... she wanted to call him and ask him who he liked better me or her I told her not to call him she said ok. The next day I texted him and said hey (no reply) so I asked alyssa to call him and ask him a question she said do u like steph he said not realy why she said no reason .then she toldme and I said that's wired cause it seemed like he liked me again .? Then I texted him again and what's up?(no reply again) then I asked my friend haley to text him he replied right away . This seemed weird that he is talking to everyone else but me I think my friend sam said something to him to not text me but Idk tell me what you think. -stephanie


stephanie 6 years ago

Ok So I need help! Like ASAP...I was with this boy Chase and we realy liked eachother then I broke up with him because I thought I was losing intrest in him . I realized that I made a mistake so I told him I was sorry and that I messed up.he said it was ok and to stop bringing myself down that he hates seeing me cry. Then later my best friend texted me and said I told Chase I like him ... she wanted to call him and ask him who he liked better me or her I told her not to call him she said ok. The next day I texted him and said hey (no reply) so I asked alyssa to call him and ask him a question she said do u like steph he said not realy why she said no reason .then she toldme and I said that's wired cause it seemed like he liked me again .? Then I texted him again and what's up?(no reply again) then I asked my friend haley to text him he replied right away . This seemed weird that he is talking to everyone else but me I think my friend sam said something to him to not text me but Idk tell me what you think. -stephanie


Pat 6 years ago

Okay, Stepanie. I think that you should confount him. He is obviously being weird and secretive about something. If you really like this guy then I think that you should go for him, (or adleast try your best to get him to talk to you) maybe hes nervous. And if your friend Sam (who likes him??) is really a friend they wouldnt have told him to not talk to you. But that is my opinion, you never know what runs through a guys head. I think you need to maaybe call or talk to in person to this boy. And i think you should confrount your friend Sam. But dont asume things right away. Do alittle CSI and investigate. Maybe it doesnt have anything to do with Sam. But maybe it does. Asking always helps I have come to learn. If that doesnt work then maybe you can try and have your other friends help to get him to talk, they all seem willing to help, and they are good friends.


laura 6 years ago

im in a slightly different situation then most people. I'm the 'friend' whose friend decided to go out with my ex. I'll tell the whole story from the beginning. ok so me and my friend haley both started at the same school last year, and i started crushing on a guy named ben and she started crushing on a guy named sam. so then after christmas ben asks me out and i said yes and haley went out with sam. me and sam started having feelings for eachother and we decided to tell haley and ben because we felt guilty. I broke up with ben because it just wasn't working and haley and sam continued to go out. so later on sam and haley brokeup because they kept on arguing and sam asked me out and i said yes. I said yes because haley literally had no feelings wat so ever for sam anymore. We dated for 4 months but we brokeup. It was one of the most devastating things i have ever gone through. It actually happened during exam week and i was crying throughout an exam. so we just started a new year at school and sam asked haley out again and she said yes. she rang me up on the phone and told me and asked me if i was ok with it and i said i was fine. But i lied. I am not fine. In fact I still really like him. So wat do i do? Like i could try getting over sam but i've been trying that for 3 months. I'm also afraid that sam might hurt haley the way he did to me and i don't want to see that happen


bobby 6 years ago

Can you help me..me and ex had been going out for just over two years. We split up but have met a couple times since without friends knowing. It was only last time I found out my best friend has been constantly texting her. I know he likes her but he wont admit it to me and she wont get my logic either. Its tearing me apart I duno what to do


Pat 6 years ago

Laura,

I think that you should tell your friend Haley. You dont want her to get hurt and you still have feelings for this guy. I also think that you should tell her how you still have feelings for this guy, maybe she will understand, and if she doesnt then tell her how you still have feelings for him. Maybe she will understand. And if she doesnt than you warned her. You cant save everyone but you can try. I dated a guy that broke up with me and when I say broke up..I mean he used the DUMBEST line..he used.."Its not you, its me."

Well now he is dating my friend and i told her how he broke my heart and how once he got done with her he would break her heart.

She told me that she appreciated my concern but she could handle herself. Then he dumped her and she is a huge WRECK. but i worned her and she didnt belive me...


o_jr 6 years ago

Hi Veronica, I'v liked this girl since our 1st yr in college but didn't ask her out bcos we

are friends n i didn't want 2 mess things up, plus i wasn't ready 4 a relationship .A mutual

friend of ours asked her out, n they started dating; i was devastated.I somehow buried my

feelings, so i wouldn't mess up their relationship-seriously, it was hard. I couldn't help

thinking: what if i'd asked her out... I recently found out they'd split-don't know how

long, but i think it's been a while. I n this girl still keep in touch; she's about d only

girl i'm free with.I don't know if she likes me enough 2 go out with me, but there was this

1 time in our 1st yr she sent me a card where she wrote:'i'd like 2 know u better.' i want 2

ask her out, but i keep havin this weird feeling about what pple might think since she is my

friend's ex. I also hv not asked a girl out b4, so i was wondering if you could help. I need

some advice, ps. It will be difficult to see her in person, so i'm thinking of calling and

letting her know how i feel. Thanx.


tr_7 6 years ago

ok i need some advice.

I have been with my bf for 3 years, we live together and work together.

but i have recently developed feeling for his friend.

we're really good friends, but he says that he could never date me coz my bf has.

We did flirt for abit until recently when we said we should stop as it wasnt fare on my bf, which it isnt.

I do love my bf, his my best friend but i'm so confused.

I dont want to fall for his friend completely coz i dont want to hurt anymore than i do, but im scared im going to and i dont want to lose my bf, and i defiantly dont want to hurt him. please help


katelyn 6 years ago

ok so my bff diana ex is so hot she still has feelings for him and me and my other bff shay like him too. diana jokes with us and tells us to ask him out but one time in PE shay flirted with him and diana would not talk to her till i asked her if she was flirting shay was and they didnt talk for 2 weeks my other bff melany told me he was flirting with me so i was happy.so we all went to class and she got mad at me for talking to him more then her.so do i go for it or not. PS.im kind of scared to go for it because our friendship is already falling apart as it is. HELP ME!


jessica 6 years ago

wow! it's such a sensitive topic and I guess nobody expected himself to get involved in such situations. Veronica, your comments are great and really wise. I have my story to tell and will really appreciate if you give me some advice. So I have my 3 am friend and I guess this is a key phrase. I'd say she is my #1 friend, who I talk to over the phone like 5 times a day. She was dating a guy and even living with him for 2 years. However, she knew that she was the one working on their relationship, he didn't love her. Anyways, he is handsome, smart and, as someone put here, "marriage package". And yet after sometimes she got tired of him being cold to her,and realized that he doesn't already love him either. So she broke up with him, there was no drama at ll.And they remained friends. That was in May and right after that she tried to date like 5 or 6 guys already but it didn't work out. As you may see, now I'm gonna tell that somehow it turned that me and her ex found out that we have crazy crush on each other. The problem is...though I know she was the one who decided to split, it was still the relationship for 2 years and she loved him..and also I was listening all her stories, complaints and details...so now I'm so frustrated. I know and completely agree that I need to be honest with her and maybe try to ask whether she doesn't mind me seeing him. He told me,in his turn, that he can talk to her himself and let her know that he likes me. But that doesn't change anything cause that is only between me and her. Now, I know she'd tell me that she doesn't care, she's just surprised and totally doesn't understand how I can be interested in him knowing so many bad things about him and what happened to me for start liking him . Anyways, what I do know she'd just be upset and keep the distance from me. And I love her so much and it's the last thing I want. For the guy, I didn't date anyone seriously for a long time,I don't fall in love easily. And I have strong feeling for him. mutual...Help me, please!!!


Amanda 6 years ago

HELP! I know there's a certain moral code that all girls are supposed to uphold when it comes to their friends, especially their 3 am friends. And believe me when I say that it's there for a reason. Dating a guy your best friend loved for years might be wrong, but what if the situation is different.

My 3 am friend talked to this guy for a few weeks, they hung out a few times and kissed only once or twice. She was head over heels and he just wasn't interested. He and I clicked the day we met. We're both witty and funny and laid back and it just works.

I told her we talked, and she lost it. I thought I was doing the right thing by coming clean. Nothing had happened with us, we hadn't even hung out. She hates me and I don't know what to do.

I know I'm a bad friend for breaking the code, but what about her? Isn't it wrong to not step out of the way for someone who could potentially really have something?

HELP!


Melissa 6 years ago

So I'm actually on the other side of this! My ex and I broke up 2 years ago (I know, ages ago) and we only dated for about 6 months. I became really good friends with this other guy, who later on, I found out was actually really good friends with my ex. We have now started to date and I just am not sure if it's okay. I know that I wouldn't be comfortable if my ex boyfriend started dating one of my close friends...

Any advice would be great!!


Mischa 6 years ago

I was with my ex for about 3yrs. We lived together for some of that time. We broke up about 6 months ago (mutual decision), which was amicable. We're still in contact every now and then. I've always got on well with his friend and we've been going out as mates for the last couple months. Really recently we kissed and now have started to kind of date. My ex doesn't know what's happened and I think he'd be angry/hurt if he found out even though he's also moved on and is dating someone else. I don't whether we should tell him or what to even tell him because its only been a kiss and I don't know where it's going yet. I don't want to hurt my ex or mess up their friendship but I like this guy. But they are pretty close mates. So confused...any advice?


the friend that was dumped 6 years ago

I think it all depends on the break up, and the timing. 3 years later and you bump into him and your friend has clearly moved on and is happy why not? 6 months later and all of you still see each other on a regular basis I would have to say no. Especially when he or she are using the exact same words or shall I say lines on you that he or she used on your friend.


wes 6 years ago

Just got dumped becouse she found numbers that where saved in my phne to my sim card i got the numbers when we were on a split for 3 months. and i did earse them when we got back together. did not know they wnere on my sim card.4 years we were together and my ex's best friends cousin likes me and i kinda like her it could be something but i still love my x but she is with someone already but she still wants to call and talk to me and text some times.i have talked to the best friends cuz a once on phone and afew text. what should i do is it ok for me to date her or should i sit around and wait while my x is with this new guy


cnn~ 6 years ago

I have a problem. A good friend of mine (or at least i considered her one)was dating this guy for the incorrect reasons. She basically was with him beacuse he offered her stability and care for her, however was very selfish and talks behing him. They finally broke up. She actually was pleased that happened and many times told me how happy and relieved she was of having broken up with him. This guy starts calling me a couple of months after, initially I avoided him, but then i started feeling attracted to him and found things in common. As soon as I started noticing my feeling for him were changing talked to her. initailly she reacted very well, stating it was fine with her if I tried something with him, but shortly after that she told me we couldn't be friends anymore since I ahd acyed incorrectly. Now she does not talk to me. The guy and I are doing great. Sometimes I still wonder if I did the right thing. Any advice....?


Eishmaille:) 6 years ago

Hey Veronica your advice sounds excellent and i believe it will work its just that im worried. My friend isnt a very very close one, but she is one of my teamates, and we are in a school organization together. Plus her ex boyfriend aka my new crush, have been off and on for years. And when they are together its for a pretty good while,and when they arent they still are close and hang out. I guess what im trying to say is, since they are this close, is it worth me trying to date him?


Jonas 6 years ago

Great article. I can only say this for myself, but men(like me) are really territorial. When I see my ex sitting with her boyfriend, I'll get a feeling that i've lost something important.


5 years ago

i've had a long, tumultuous, but wonderful relationship with my boyfriend (my first real relationship, too). we'll call him dan. we've been on and off, but have always been extremely passionate and very in love. we've both cheated on each other and gotten over it. however, about a month and a half ago, we broke up with me out of nowhere because he wanted to "find himself." we have grown together to such an extent that it's hard to imagine being apart, and we both feel very weak and dependent on one another. he broke my heart (again) and i was left confused and lost. however, about three weeks ago, i stared feeling better - liberated, even. i missed him, but i started considering the good things about being apart. one night at a friend's house, i was with a good friend (we'll call him nick) and i ended up making the first move, which soon enough turned into heated sex on the sofa. we had been good friends for a while, and were very comfortable. we started talking more, and realized we had feelings for each other, and he admitted that he had been in love with me since he met me four years ago. i was happy, and ready to go for it, because the more time we spent together, the more i was sure i wanted to try something new.

then it got complicated. a week later, dan suddenly wants to get back together. he claims he can't be without me, and i believe him, because we truly were "crazy in love" haha. but i also feel like he's just lonely. still, i agreed, because i do still love him. i have always told nick everything about our relationship, so i let him know, but we continued to talk. a week later, after spending the evening with both of them (we're all in the same group of friends), i realized i wasn't as happy to be with dan as with nick, but i had already agreed to stay the night at dan's. i felt uncomfortable, and we didn't have sex. i missed nick.

a few days after, nick came to my place. we had wonderful sex and realized more and more our feelings. i don't know if it's my thirst for something new and liberating, or if it's genuine, but either way it seems to be making me happy. we've been spending more and more time together.

more complications. nick's ex girlfriend is still in love with him, and we are good friends who confide in each other. she still talks to me about nick, and i feel terrible letting her confide in me when i'm sleeping with him. i don't want to lose her as a friend, but i realize news about nick and i will probably get out eventually and hurt her anyway. on top of that, another good friend of mine has liked nick for a long time. he liked her for some time also, but he ultimately rejected her, and she has been depressed about it. i know this will hurt her too. finally, there's dan, whom i still love. in my heart, i feel like we can still make it work and be happy in the future, but my mind tells me its time to let go and stop trying to patch up what's been broken for so long.

WHAT DO I DO?!


Lauren 5 years ago

Ok the post 2 weeks a go ill just call you kate ok and just because you have sex with some one doesnt mean they are the best ok and i think dan here is willing to help u out but chose whatever makes u happy kate ok


Anthony  5 years ago

So, I have a question... I am best friend's/roommates at college with a guy... He dated a girl 2 years ago for a couple of months but it wasn't that serious...

She and I have been friends for about as long as my roommate knew her.. We are starting to become very close and starting to really click/like each other... However, although the relationship wasn't long or serious, he still seems to not be over her, regardless of how many times she says she only sees him as a friend and always will....

What do you think I should do? I really want to be with her and think she's an amazing person , and of course at the same time I don't wanna hurt my friend's feelings.


sadie 5 years ago

I am debating on if I should date my friends and ex husbands best friend.

Right now we are all friends. My girlfriend has asked me not to date her ex, but she is in a passionate love affair right now and doesnt want him back.......what do you think?

We have lots in common and he knows my history.


Rojido 5 years ago

Agree with Bob... no no, guys don't date each others ex's and they don't even ask, unless the conversation has come up before and you have made prior agreements. Otherwise, don't even mention it, just forget about it. There are billions of other girls...


KK 5 years ago

I was sleeping with a girl casually for about a month whilst at university, we stopped seeing each other before the xmas break, ive come back and now my flat mate and close friend is now seeing her. I dont want to fall out with him or her, but i am annoyed at him for going behind my back, i know me and her were not in a relationship but i feel he was betrayed me! i agree with bob!! stay away from friends ex's! it is only going to end bad....


KK 5 years ago

I was sleeping with a girl casually for about a month whilst at university, we stopped seeing each other before the xmas break, ive come back and now my flat mate and close friend is now seeing her. I dont want to fall out with him or her, but i am annoyed at him for going behind my back, i know me and her were not in a relationship but i feel he was betrayed me! i agree with bob!! stay away from friends ex's! it is only going to end bad....


Alexx Quattrone 5 years ago

I dont think you should. I think its just wrong.


Legend16 5 years ago

I think you cant. I think its wrong cause then your best friends gf or bf will come in the middle of your friendship and then its all bad. Thats my opinion but i like to hear everyones opinion.


belladonna 5 years ago

so my situation is that the guy i sort of like is the guy who my friend dated for a year and a half. shes one of my best friends, and she has moved on and is dating someone else, and doesnt really mind but the problem is that most of the time i feel so guilty about liking him (and almost hooking up with him) that i dont tell her about it and shes furious about that. he really likes me alot, and i like him a bit, but now hes gone to study and we're doing long distance - and before he started liking me i never even considered him. my friend knows we almost hooked up but ive never been able to tell her clearly whats been happening with him and now hes going around telling everyone we're dating.....i sound completely confused, and trust me i am!!! i love my friend, i sort of like this guy but i keep remembering them as a couple and i feel even worse about it....and im not being able to tell him anything about how im feeling either.

i love talking to him and chilling with him and im attracted to him as well...but not enough to lose my friend over it.


DeeDee 5 years ago

Ok, So I could really use some help here... I have a huuuge dilemma and it goes way beyond attration.

So, My best friend Chloe used to date this guy Matt for like a year. Well, they had kinda a Love / Hate relationship.. and honestly I didn't really like him when they were together because she told me such horrible things about him. She told me how controlling his was and I rarely saw her happy. Well finally toward the end.. She ended up sleeping with someone else.. And Matt.. was done. They had a huge falling out.. and as soon as She saw that he was not at her beckon call anymore, she went insane and was like " I love matt I love matt.. " So It was just really hard to watch. I knew Matt was always a great guy because he was always respectful, but I just didn't think that those two were good for each other because she is such a free spirit and he is much more reserved.

Ok, That is beside the point. So Chloe, ended up leaving (were in the military) to London. She said she was FORCED To go.. which Is hard for me to believe because that is just an unlikely set of orders.. however, I though deep down that maybe she just wanted to rid herself of matt once and for all. So she has been gone now for a little over a year. She has had TWO serious BF since than, and seems to be fine with it.. but every once in a while she will tell me that she Loves matt so much and just misses him and wants to be with him still. AND it is SOOO dramatic every time.

Well, about three months ago, matt and I found each other on Facebook and just started casually talking.. We really get along well and he always makes me smile. I have been through so much with relationships.. and he is slmost "perfect" for me. I love everything about him. I told Chloe that we were talkin as friends.. and she didn't mind.. to me. But, she emailed matt and was totally dramatic about it and said all kinds of mean things. It was like a different Chloe than I have ever known.. This girl is my best friend, and she is referring to me as "that bitch" to him. I couldn't believe it. Well, I hadn't talked to her in a little over a month but I continued to keep in touch with matt. We starting talking more and more.. and we hung out.. and We fell in love. I am so head over heels for him and vice versa its just unbelievable and so hard to explain. However, I just recently cut him off because I can't bear telling her the truth. I don't want to hurt her like that.. I am afraid of what she will say or do.. but part of me feels like if she were really as great of friend as she is supposed to be that she would want me to be happy, right? I dont know. I am completely heart broken because I feel like I have given up one of the very few things that bring me complete happiness. :( I feel horrible for loving him... and I never meant for this to happen. I know that, "the damage is done".. but I am just so scared to tell her. Someone please help.. I need objective opinions.. becasue our mutual friends and people who know us just arent cutting it..

Thanks


Peter Nguyen 5 years ago

Seen a lot of Comments and replies due to this subject.

I'm just about going off topic right now.

Just gotten home from the Marine Corp.

Spent my last 2 years in Okinawa, Japan.

Came across a lot Marines & Sailors with Girlfriends

& Wives.

That just end up broken due to lack of Communication,

Passion, or just being apart.

Of course it goes both ways on the non military end.

As well as those that are in it.

Cheating with family, a friend, or another while your

far far away.

I had a girl that was soon to be my Fiance, after 2 years being together. (Gotten together a little before I left home for boot camp)

Been about a year since I been home. (That Time)

Long Story short.

She had went off with another guy.

Someone her mother introduced to.

For about 1-2 months.

She would still tell me she loved me.

and wishing for me to come home.

After that, out of the blue.

we lose all communication.

Finishing my time.

Doing what I could for my Marines & my Unit.

Chose not to contract her because I feel as though I'd

be too much.

When shes the one that cut me off.

Why should I be the one sitting in despair & desperation,

Wanting her back.

Though it did took me a couple weeks or so of drinking & being with my boys, and being Marines.

I'm home now.

I look at females so differently now.

Course not all are the same.

Just a lot more secure with my heart.

Point I'm getting to.

Past year I haven't thought of her.

But today I came across a picture of her I kept with me

Where ever I went during my time in service.

(used Clear Tape to protect it) T.T

I have this feeling of anger or rage.

Though I don't know this guy.

Who he is, or what he do.

Just his name is ... Well frankly I forgotten his name,

Only remember that it starts with a D. and He's from Connecticut. (I'm from Philadelphia, as well as she is)

But I just have this erg.

To just beat this guy down.

To just break every bone he has.

If he hurts her.

But I still haven't spoken to her since then.

Just hard to think of being with someone right now.

To understand what I been though.

How I became Cpl Nguyen of United State of Marine Corp.

Though of course.

Its part of my past now.

And I'm home,

and home for good.

Question is,

Should I just call her?

Or leave it be til she decide to contract me. (leave it be and carry on)


lost01 5 years ago

So i met a girl in one of my classes and we became friends. At the time she was dating this guy. She broke up with him a month or so later because she needed space. She then started dating a new guy and me and her ex started talking. He was upset and I was trying to help him out, and make him feel better. She got upset about us talking so for a few months we didn't talk much at all. We recently started talking and hanging out here and there.. but she only knows we talk. She was a little upset about it and I don't want to make her mad... but me and her ex like each other and I don't want to go behind her back anymore.. but I know she will go off on me and she is pretty verbal and not afraid to well... bite my head off i guess you could say..

What do I do?!


DrumsAcousticMuse profile image

DrumsAcousticMuse 5 years ago from Los Angeles

extremely well written, and this has got to be the most comment text ever

like your style


aperson? 5 years ago

Ok, so this is a somewhat odd dilema. My ex and I dated on and off for about a year, after awhile i barely saw him, and my friend's ex told me that my boyfriend didn't want to date me anymore. I totally believed him, but my ex was still talking to me, eventually i felt like I was being played with, and i stopped talking to him. Now, Im starting to see him around again, and hes talking to my best friend! whats worse is that her locker is right beside mine. After a week of them talking, they started dating! and Id never say anything about me feeling hurt to her, because, im a very softspoken, drama free character, but I really did like him and it hurts. She also told me that he thought I hated him so he stopped talking to me. What makes this drama worse, is that her ex (my ex's best friend) and I have been hanging out alot recently. we've gotten to know eachother for the past 3 months now, and people are starting to tell me that hes interested! and I like him alittle as well, butim afraid to tell him, because ive recently became close friends with another one of his ex's. She told me that if any of her friends touched hr ex's she'd go biserc! its just a tough situation for me because i knew him first, but i dont want to break up my new friendship, and im still slightly down since my best friend is dating my ex. Can anyone help? :p


5 years ago

I really, really need some advice. Glad I found this article and hope an unbiased person can help.

First off, I am in my 30's. I have been best friends with someone for 10 years, known each other since high school. We shared basically everything.

I recently ended a relationship with a man I genuinely cared for. We dated about 3 months. It was long enough for me to realize that he did not feel the same for me. Being recently divorced, he wanted to date people. I have been divorced for 3 years and am looking for more than a casual partner. Knowing things were not moving in the right direction, we ended things.

I was really upset. Granted, it was not a long relationship with him, but it was the first time I truly cared for someone since my divorce. My best friend was there to talk and support me through it.

It's been two months since I ended things with this man, and last week my best friend told me she met him out for a drink about 3 weeks after we split. I feel completely betrayed. She said it was innocent but I can't help but feel like the entire time I was working to get over him, she was communicating with him behind my back. And it actually got to a point where she met him out.

Feeling completely betrayed, I said some things to her which were awful and nasty and I now regret. I went to apologize and she told me I was obsessed with this man and she never needs to tell me anything anymore. Not even wanting to accept my apology makes me believe there is something going on with them.

Am I being crazy? Should I just give it time? I am seriously starting to think this friendship is over and I am heartbroken over it.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.


Nova 5 years ago

There was this girl who was a good friend of mine from sixth to 12th grade. This girl was a hopeless romantic who would choose a crush and obsess about him for years. She had even broken off friendships with girls who dared to say something negative about the guy of her dreams. In 9th grade, I met my own dream guy. It was pretty obvious to everyone that I liked him by the way I talked about him constantly although I refused to admit it because as a senior who was very popular with the girls and already had a girlfriend I felt like he was out of my league. Well, my talking about this guy rubbed off and she started liking him when we were 16. She pestered the crap out of him until he agreed to date her. I was jealous but I didn't say anything because I never directly told how I felt about him and I was dating someone else at the time. Well, their relationship ran its course for about a year. Then they broke up. A few months later, he and I started hanging out late nights at his house. Dumb 17 year old me thought it was totally just a platonic thing until one night he tried to kiss me. He confessed that he liked me and I resisted at first because I was seeing someone and I didn't want his ex to be mad at me but he continued to pursue me for several weeks and finally I gave in. I broke it off with the guy I was dating immediately but I didn't tell my friend right away. When I finally did tell her, she said she understood but a few days later I tried to instant message her and she responded saying she never wanted to hear from me again. At first, I felt guilty because they he was her ex, but once I thought about it, I realized that she started dating him knowing that I liked him already. Well, 5 years later, we still haven't made up but I am still with the guy. We are married now and have a kid, so I think I made the right choice.


sorry i cant tell you 5 years ago

my friend is dating my ex im am pissed she didnt even ask me if it was ok i hate her now so on are way back to my house (we were in the bus) i slaped her realll hard i bet that well teach her i will smack her every day if i have too


kate 5 years ago

I really wished some of my 'friends' read this before dating my ex's behind my back.


kate 5 years ago

I really wished some of my 'friends' read this before dating my ex's behind my back.


Morigan 5 years ago

I dont know how much help I can get with this one...but here goes...

I've been in a 5 month relationship with a guy who i know i care alot about. we have been alot closer than i have ever been with any of my previous exes...he makes me feel good to be with him, and at the initial stage of our union i felt safe with him...unfortunately, there have been issues with regard to him having half naked pictures of a chick on his computer, pictures that cannot seem to be deleted (i came across these by accident, we were both at his computer and he didnt remebember he had left them out in the open...) after much debate he confessed that she sent them to him and he apologized for lying and so on. After that..i saw the pics again in a fold er marked "forbidden pics"...in his movie folder! again, wasnt searching for anything of the sort...of course, long story short, he "deleted" them. We've had issues after, it reached the stage i like to refer to as "cyaah badda" which is jamaican creole for "i cant be bothered"...so things started slipping between us...cemented by the fact that he was obviously cheating as far as im concerned...

then something happened...i met someone else. A guy i met at a meeting, a friend of a friend..i had always heard about him but paid it no mind because i was seeing someone. But when i saw him in person i was totally caught up! the dude is so hot! i told our mutual friend how i felt and i kept goin on about him. Now, and i spoke online after realising that we had alot in common...he expressed to me that he liked me alot- for over a year...because our mutual friend would talk about me and he became fascinated with me through our various conversations since we met face to face...one night i was looking at his profile on fb and my bf says to me that he knows him. then i checked his friend list and realised that he and my bf are fb friends! now my dilemma was simple...i had to let him know that i have a bf...and that they are friend....we became close and it erked me that he didnt really know of my situation...but everytime i made an attempt to let him know what was goin on...he kept saying that he doesnt want to know..not yet.

we went on a weekend trip with our mutual friend and another friend and ended up getting even closer, kissing and messing around...on the final night i decided i had to let him know...when i told him that i had a boyfriend he tells me that he knew all along. AND not only does he know but my boyfriend is his friend...they were BEST FRIENDS in high school! I was shocked! he knew all along and he didnt say anything to me...it all made sense why he didnt want to hear what i wanted t tell him!! he quickly tried to make me understand that he wasnt just trying to hook up with me but he wants to be with me...he knew that if i told him id expect that he would back offf...so he didnt want me to tell him..he said he knows he was selfish...but he felt like he should have gotten a chance to be with me first..

now here is the sitaution..he and i spent an entire night takign about this...neither one of us wants to end it...but both of us dont know how to handle the situation because of the fact that he is friends with my bf...they are not close anymore but they are still friends...

i still havent broken up with my bf as yet...and he is totally clueless about me seeing someone else...

I dont want to let go off this guy because i really do like him....we simply click...in a way i never thought i could with someone else...but how do i deal with this?

im even wondering if i should let this new guy go and just simply end my relationhip and be single for a while because being with this new guy will add even more stress to the situation...


tialuv 5 years ago

I met this guy whom i had several conversation with, we spoke a lot on the phone and thought we share a lot of common interest, after two months of texting n late nights conversations he decide to take me out, when he got to my house, he says "is this where you live?" i told him yes, then he told me tht the girl that lives there he had dated for four yrs when he was younger, i was shock, i spoke to my room-mate of one year about it, myself and her is not friends, but we do talk and she told me they both had a mutual breakup and that he was a good guy, i dont feel comfortable with that kind of life so as hard as it is, i told him i cannot see or talk to him again, it hurts cause i really like this guy, and he likes me, but growing up, some things are off limits and a room-mate ex is one of them, i am really sad though, but i feel it was the right thing to do.


Mariana 5 years ago

i'm doing a debate about " is it alright to date your bestfriend or friend ex?" My opinion is that it's alright if they broke up for over a month and you and the ex have strong feelings for each other. I mean, your friend had her/his chance but it didn't work, know it's your turn and it seems that you have many in common, you like each others company why not?


Zoe 5 years ago

Ok so I have these two friends. One of them is one of my best friends who I have known for almost 10 years, we've been through all sorts of things together, she's completely nuts and can be obsessive and manipulative to people but has generally been a good friend to me. Over the past 2 years we have sort of drifted apart, especially as she has now moved away to another state. 

2 years ago she started dating this guy who I was friends with. He was always the guy in the background, sweet and kind and always knew he'd be there if I needed him. They started dating and became really serious. Their relationship was a bit messed up, she ended up cheating on him 7 times with different people over the 2 years. He kept believing her when she would say it was the last time and because all his friends were friends with her as well they just tried to stay out of their problems. They decided that when she would move to another state for uni he would move with her. 

So a month before he was due to move there he went to a concert out of town that 5 of us were going to as well, his girlfriend had already moved a few weeks before so she could start school. The night before the concert we all went out drinking and me and him spent the whole night talking and dancing with each other. By the end of if we were very drunk and ended up kissing. 

The next day we felt horrible, went to the concert very hung over and told no one. That night we spent the whole time talking again and then his girlfriend called. Turned out she cheated on him again. 

Anyway he ended up telling her he won't move there but he didn't dump her. We spent the next month Talking and emailing each other every day about absolutely everything but didn't do anything physical. We became extremely close and confessed that we both had a crush on each other. 

As he wasn't moving there anymore she planned to come up for a week to see him (she gets here on Sunday). He told me 2 weeks ago that he is planning on dumping her when she comes to town because he wants to do it in person.... Except she could kind of tell he wasn't acting the same anymore and so she asked if he wanted to break up...he said yes. 

So now there broken up and we have fallen for each other... And she gets here on Sunday. She is still coming up as her friends are here and she wants to say goodbye to his family. 

Now me and him have decided to wait for a couple or months until we become "official" because I still am her friend and because he still cares for her. I honestly think his worth it...even if she never forgives me. 

My question is: how do we tell her? I know we have to but how do I tell my oldest friend that I'm in love with the guy who just broke her heart, and that he loves me back? And when do I tell her? 

Also how long should we wait?

Please help!!!!


Christelle 5 years ago

my ex boyfriend keeps dating other girls but he says he still likes me we wnt out for five years and then broke up. because he cheated on me he said he didnt cheat he said he forgot we were dating(we dated for 5 years how could he forget?) i want to ask him out because i dont think he has a girlfriend right now but i dont know if i can trust him or not im soooooo scared he will cheat on me again. what should i do my firnds say forget about him and move on but i cant seem to do that i try and try and try but just cant forget about him. i like him a lot next year we will be in 9th grade and i want to ask him before anybody else. please help


janellelk 5 years ago

What a hard question to answer. I feel like there is so much gray area to cover, it's impossible. I do have to say that I really enjoyed how you articulated your opinion. Thanks yet again! Another fantastic hub!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Thanks janellelk! I really appreciate your readership and all the inspiring and helpful comments you've left. Best to you!


KateWest profile image

KateWest 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

I think when it's over, it's over and anyone is fair game. But if the guy has been a ratweasel to your friend, why would you even consider him? In that case, you'd be fairly warned.


Kari 5 years ago

I agree with KateWest, but at the same time it doesn't hurt any less. I was with my ex for a year and a half. He was very critical, judgemental and a narcissist to say the least. I ended up clinically depressed because of all I endured with him and at that time I was friends with another one of our mutual coworkers who I used to tell almost everything to. She was even the one who went with me to the hospital when I was so messed up and called my family. She used to say to forget him and move one. Well five years later I find out through him that they have been dating for 7 months. Apparently she is so happy with him (even though he says he will never get married and she really does) but she's willing to stick it out because he made her feel great, while he made me feel like a piece of crap. I'm sure that I don' want to be with a person like him anymore, even though at the time we were dating he was my entire world. But to have her do that, I feel betrayed after all she knew about us. I feel she is living my life because she has so many similarities to me and my way of life when I was her age (I'm 30, she's 27) It's just painful and I'm having a hard time moving on from this. I'd like to get opinions as to why this might be. If'm even going to therapy all over again for this!


Chad 5 years ago

So I read the article, and I gotta say I really agree with what's been said.

I'm currently stuck in this twist as well. My friend whom I've known mutually through gym class for around 3 months has recently broken up with this girl. I've known his (now) ex from the same time through a different class, and have recently developed a strong friendship with her.

I've started wondering what it would be like if his ex and I went out, and I use to never feel this way, I think it's because we've really gotten to know one-another.

I hardly know the guy, he's nice, respectable, and overall I feel like we share a "Guy-bond".

This being said, I doubt I'll take this anywhere with his ex, because I just have too much respect for the guy, and though I barely know him I do consider him a Bro.

Just damn, why are the good one's always taken, and why do they have to be taken by people you know.


roxySquestions 5 years ago

Been there done that, if you dont fall out with your friend straight away then always be awear they probably hate you behind your back and dont be supprised if some nasty rumors go around about you.


JP 5 years ago

I have done the unthinkable, my best friend of 16 years dated this girl for 4 years. she dumped him. about a year later, me and the ex fell for each other. I asked for his blessing (maybe closer to bugged him for it) he sad yes. but once he realized she had feelings for me, he went off his rocker...its been a week and all he has said to me was I was dead to him and I'm lucky he doesn't beat the ever-loving-christ out of me. I feel like I've lost my best friend, but I love this girl so much. But to anybody who's done this, how do i initiate contact with my buddy without angering him? should I wait for him to contact me, or just accept the fact I did the most horrible thing a person can do to a friend, and just move on? This is so messed up...but she means enough to me that I wont break it off.


Beautifulbitch 5 years ago

I think that if they were really your friend that they would not want to date anyone you were with whether it was sexual or not Your friend is suppose to know how it would make you feel


Mfundo 5 years ago

I want to ask my ex friend's ex want me and i love him too should i date him?


Mfundo 5 years ago

I want to ask my ex friend's ex want me and i love him too should i date him?


X-factor 5 years ago

To JP, you may just have to leave it for a while. Situations like these force you to make a choice – the best friend, or the girl. Since you won't break it off, you have, whether you realised it or not, chosen her over him.

Maybe one day you may be able to salvage something of the friendship, but bear in mind it may not happen any time soon, or that it will ever be the same as it was before.

Such is the risk you take in these situations.


WhatToDo 5 years ago

So I broke up with my gf of 9 months a while ago as it just wasn't the same, before we hooked up I was also close to a new girl to my school but eventually chose who is now my ex.

This other girl went out with one of my mates for about a month and they split about the same time as I did, it's been a while of summer holidays and I'm starting to get feelings for my mates ex, i've been single for a while so it's not rebound material at all. Me and this girl have been great friends for some time and I feel like I want more. She keeps asking if I want to go places with her "just as friends" but c'mon cinema/ice skating? As friends?

Anyway what I want to know is:

1) Will my friend get hurt, they were never that close anyway

2) Does the girl even like me?

3) If I'm going to uni next year shouldn't I just risk it, I mean you only live once right?

Some grounded advice would be great.

T.


Rebecca 5 years ago

So I liked this guy slot and the feelings were mutual. Then he decides one day he just doesn't like me and the next thing I know my bestfriend tell me she likes him. I was so upset with this but I eventually got over it. They ended up dating and broke up about 3 moths ago. Lately he has been really flirty with me and I think I'm developing feelings for him again. Should I go after him or no ? Is it worth it ?


i dont know help! 5 years ago

well here is my promblem me and my bestfriend (girl)im a girl as well... we have been bestfriends for aleast 5 years well her and my friend (girl) became close to were they dated...she would always say that she hated how me and my bestfriend hang out so much and blah blah blah that if we didnt stop being friends she would break up with my bestfriend well as time pass my friend got over it and we were all cool until the girl started likeing me well im young and who hasnt done something like this so i dated her come to find out she only dated me bc she wanted to get back at my bestfriend to say this girl brove a wag between me and my bestfriend we fight all the time now but on a side note me and my bestfriend develpoed feelings for each other after we talk about it we besided we could not be more then friends but latey all we do is fifhgt we dont take jokes like we did and know we are getting to the point were we dont talk in school only at home i dont know what happen help!!!!!!!!


Maria Gabriela 5 years ago

Hi, well i really do need help, advice, light, guidence, a friken miracle. This is my problem:

I was at school and i had a little crush on this guy, lets call him Alex, and he had a little crush on me but never mentioned not to anyone or oneanother. me and Alex had many classes together, and he at the time was with this girl, then they broke up.Then we told me that he had feelings for me and i started to notice that so did i. But at the same time we both had feelings for other people. So in the end he chose this other girl and i chose this other boy. Me and Alex became best friends (because it was all we could be). He was happy and so was i with our relationships, but the attraction was still there and very strongly and everyone could see, but because we never acted on it everyone just ignored it. Me and his girlfriend started to become really really close, to the point where us too were best friends, lets call her Beth. So Alex, me and Beth were all in the same group of friends always hanging out etc. my relationsip with the other guy didn"t work out.

Me and Beth went to Asia together for a few months, and had the best time, in that time she cheated on him with many many guys, and he broke up with her. A month went by and he says that he realises that wat he wanted and needed was in front of him all along, and that he loves me and yeah. I love him, and that is why this is such a tough decision. they had a good realtionship, but yeah, she has in the past been hyprocrite and lied to me, and sometimes a really bad friend to me, but she i still one of my bestest friends, i know her family and i've known her for years...

I wouldn"t mind losing her i don"t think, but at the same time i know people are gonna eat me alive if me and Alex become public. :(

But he is the best thing that has happened to me, he is like noone i"ve ever met, and the only one i ever want to be with.

Please i would love to hear wat you think


assman 5 years ago

can i comment


assman 5 years ago

So here is my situation.

My friend dated a girl. They never kissed, had sex, held hands or anything. Maybe they dated 4-5 times and broke up. I met her at a meetup, got her number and know I want to date her but I can't because my friend is still obsessed with her and he is suicidal. I hate him. HATE HIM. I am denied happiness and he never even sealed the deal with her.

Its really annoying. I don't think its fair. She is beautiful, she likes me and i like her. I hate having to give her up


ShakinmyheadinSeattle 5 years ago

Ok. So one of my co-worker's ex's asked me out for drinks. I told him "no" because I was actually unavailable and we've scheduled a couple of things a couple of times (with others so as not to be alone). I think he's pretty awesome and I know they broke up because they were just too different. I've heard her side and that's what she confirmed. I get along just fine with his ex at work. We even have really deep conversations sometimes. I think she respects me and I her. But the truth is I really want to jump his bones. I read many of these posts and I hear everything everyone is saying. The one thing I really took from this was to just be honest. If it's something you want to save. save it. If not, leave it. So I think I've decided to just take it easy and see what happens. If things progress, I will let her know out of respect. If not, I'll just have a new guy friend. nothing more, nothing less. I know it's hard out there, in regards to finding suitable dates, but she's not my friend and I don't think she needs to know until she needs to know. We may not even work out. And then what? I will say she has brought him up to me many many times. Just alluding to instances in her relationship with him that were relevant to whatever conversation we were currently having. I appreciate the post above about how people are gonna eat her up if they go out in public. I am concerned about that too. I don't want to have to defend he and I at all. One other person knows about it. The one that hooked us up.

Any suggestions?


allicia765 5 years ago

hi ok so my now boy friend is the ex of one of my friends who is happy for the two of us is starting to turn on us she says when she sees us hanging together even when shes there she feels like bursting out in to tears its really worring me because she says it wont work out everyone hates the realationship theres no point in carring it on and then the next minute she says how happy i should be it does not make sense we have been dating for 1 and a 1/2 months and it started 10 days ago


sarah 5 years ago

My ex gf is now in a relationship with my best friend (EX BEST FRIEND) now 2 months after we broke up and it has been pretty much the hardest thing iv ever been through. Dont ever do it to someone unless you want to absolutely ruin somebodys life that's my advice.


lolrose 5 years ago

I once had a best friend. We were friends for a really long time. My best friend had known the guy a long time ago and she talked about him in a really bad way and at the same time said they were friends.

After I had met him, I started to develop feelings for him and he for me. He asked my friend if she was okay with us and she said it was fine. My best friend said some really harsh things about him and she did mean them at the time.

I broke the relationship with the guy while we both still had feelings for each other and we both knew how we felt about each other. My best friend thought it was okay if she went out with him after the things she'd said about him. She never mentioned any of this to me and i'd found out of something she wrote on the internet. I was really upset about what she'd done, not only had she gone behind my back, she never thought to tell me when she knew i was still mourning over him, she also told all our other mutual friends that i was okay with the two of them and apparently felt it was okay because i was 'out of the way'. Our friendship didn't survive and i didn't want to attempt to make it work when she had betrayed me. She was claiming to be madly in love with another of my ex boyfriends a long time before i started dating the guy who she is currently with. I encouraged her with the other guy and i surely would have done the same with the more recent ex if she had mentioned how she felt even if it hurt me. I was the 3.00am phone call friend and was honest about everything. We'd never really even had an altercation about anything before. She never even attempted to talk to me after she started dating my ex and it showed she had chosen a boy over our many years of friendship.

I always knew he'd more on, but i assumed it would be some person who i didn't know. After everything she'd done i find it hard to trust people. even after the long time its been, it still hurts.


sunshiney712 5 years ago

I have a dilemma, if you could, could you maybe help? :)

My best friend is trying to get over a breakup with her boyfriend...the guy that I have had a crush on for the longest time. Many, many times, I have tried to STOP liking this boy, because of course, he's my best friends ex. But you know that feeling, where you just can't stop liking someone, no matter how hard you try? That's how I feel.

I've been by my best friend's side since this breakup, but she hasn't returned the friendship. For some reason, she's been really mean toward me, and it's making me sad. One day I actually went home and cried because of her. She even betrayed my trust and told the guy that I like that I like him. So nothing makes me want to be a good friend to her. But considering we've been friends since we were three, I don't want to ruin our friendship either.

The guy that just broke up with her likes me now, and I like him, and I really want to date him. It's not like I'd date him right away, while my best friend is still torn, but I was going to wait until she got over it, because she usually gets over things fast. What do you think I should do?

Oh and your article helped a lot, thank you :)


lolbubbly 5 years ago

Ok, my friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. It was hard for her but she wasnt too close to him. This guy is super cute and he told me he liked me. The truth is that I have like him since 4th grade. Im not that close to my friend but i still dont want to lose her. But this guy makes me feel so happy and appreciated and I really want to date him. I dont know what to do! I think hes gonna ask me out soon but I dont know if I should say yes, no, not now maybe later, its soo confusing its tearing my heart apart! If you have any advice please let me know! :)


ma-ched 4 years ago

I 've been out of my relationship for nearly 6 months now, and it was the first relationship I have been in. This was with a girl from my work which has made things harder. I was under the impression that we broke it off mutually as niether of us were getting on that well and we are very different people. This was very hard for me as I have very low self esteem and she's that only girl that has ever really liked me. So a few weeks ago we kissed at the pub and I explained that I had missed her and I thought we really connected again, but we ended up leaving it like that. Then 5 days later we all got very drunk at our xmas party and I see her kissing one of my best friends at work and someone that I work very closely with. This has completely destroyed me and it has brought up all sorts of feelings as lately I had been questioning the reason that we broke up. Part of me wants to get back together with her now but part of me is also saying that it is a bad idea. I think we need some space first if we are going to get back together but I don't know how I should be with him or her, I am still angry and the idea of forgiving them both makes me feel like I am being walked all over, but then again he is a really good mate and she is a really great girl. Am I just a dick for not going out with her for 6 months then saying that I do after seeing her with someone else? Is it me being territorial? Do I even deserve a chance with this girl for messing her about for so long? And how do I act towards him if we do get back together or even if we dont?

Your article helped a lot and any brutally harsh advice you can give me would be amazing!


john1989 4 years ago

my gf dumped me three months ago saying that he is not happy in the relation anymore. I asked her the reasons and she said cute things were missing, she has to do my stuff and she also think I am not honest. i love her alot and still do. we were in a relation for almost 2 years. I am trying to win her back. I talked to one of my friend about the relatiion (almost everything). everything I mean why she broke up, and i want her back and i will try for her. He aso aske me personal question about relation and I told him everything honestly as I thought He is try to understand my situation. Today I found out accidentally few pics of them together after 10 days of my break up. other thing is he was dumped by his gf 2 months ago and I asked him to hangout with me and my ex so that he wont feel lonely. they dont know yet that i found out. I callled him today after finding out and asked if he heard from her. he said we just talked causal twice. he lied on my face.

is that right? what should I do? I love that girl alot.


john1989 4 years ago

Hi Veronica, I read all comments in this hub. i am in a bad position and really need help here. any help would be appreciated.

I am 26 year old.my gf dumped me three months ago saying that he is not happy in the relation anymore. I asked her the reasons and she said cute things were missing, she has to do my stuff and she also think I am not honest. i love her alot and still do. we were in a relation for almost 2 years. I am trying to win her back. I talked to one of my friend about the relatiion (almost everything). everything I mean why she broke up, and i want her back and i will try for her. He aso aske me personal question about relation and I told him everything honestly as I thought He is try to understand my situation. Today I found out accidentally few pics of them together after 10 days of my break up. other thing is he was dumped by his gf 2 months ago and I asked him to hangout with me and my ex so that he wont feel lonely. they dont know yet that i found out. I callled him today after finding out and asked if he heard from her. he said we just talked causal twice. he lied on my face.

is that right? what should I do? I love that girl alot.


EJayne12 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

your article is so helpful but i still feel torn.

My best girl mate and best lad mate decided to go out June last year. The problem I had was that I liked the lad at the time but I let he go out with him cause I knew he liked her and I just accepted that I would move on, and I did. But about a month ago they broke up and I felt for the both of them cause they are both me mates,and due to the way our timetables work Ive been spending time with the lad alot more than the lass, but this has begun to cause rumours that me and the lad like each other. Me and this lad have been texting alot over the month and I feel like my old feelings for him are coming back, stronger than they were before. So last week i decided to tell him that I used to like him (which I havent told me lass mate) and when I asked him what he though about me he just changed the subject so I just assumed he didn't and wed just carry on as mates and pretend it never happened. But yesterday me, him and some of our other mates were at the cinema and then when he offered me a sweet the next thing I know i missed half the film cause he decided to snog me. I liked it I admit and im glad none of the others could see us cause that would make all these rumours worse.

Now the problem is that he likes me and I like him but I dont want to hurt me best lass mate or for other people to think im a bitch for stealing her ex. I asked him where we should go from here but he says its up to me and I just dont know what to do. I think I should talk to me best lass mate but I wouldnt know where to start and a month feels too soon to go into anything with her ex but I really like him and he makes me feel special.

Both of them are 3am friends and I have never had a real boyfriend before which is quite sad but I just have no idea what to do or where me and the lad should take what happened in the cinema.

Help! (sorry its so long im just so god damn confused)

x


lalagirl45 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

This article really helped me out, but here's my situation.

So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. Me and this guy really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!

Thanks!


lalagirl45 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

This article really helped me out, but here's my situation.

So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. Me and this guy really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!

Thanks!


lalagirl45 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. This guy and I really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!


TheCurlz 4 years ago

Hey guys, I'm in a dilemma!! Ok so I like my friend's ex.... Um let's call him "Joe". So let's call my friend "Sally". Alright. So Sally's parents made her break up with Joe because she is moving. Sally is now moved out of our school and our city. But now I kind of like Joe. What do you guys think I should do?? I respect Sally and want to keep her as my friend,but since she's gone, should I date Joe? Btw: I still talk to Sally...we txt sometimes

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