Can Your Girlfriend Forbid You From Watching Porn?

Who has the right to judge you?

Veronica,

Me and my friends talk about this a lot. I want to ask you for advice on this because you are so sexual and comfortable with sex.

I am with my girl for 4 years. I love her and I would marry her tomorrow except for one simple fact. She is not willing to try things sexual. She will not watch porn with me. She is mad if she catches me with any and I am in trouble. She will only do maybe 2 positions. (omitted) I can not spend the rest of my life trapped in her tiny world of sex. What should I do? And I don't want the politcal correct answer. I want the Veronica three martini answer please.

Alvin

Dear Alvin,

Thanks for reading me. And thanks for your question. And now here's my three martini answer.

I applaud you! I'm standing on my chair clapping my hands above my head! You are completely right. You should not enter into a lifetime commitment where you can not be yourself. That marriage would be doomed.

Whenever anyone tells me they can't do something like watch porn or go to a bar, or they will be in trouble with their partner, I cringe. Marriage/partnership is not a contract of ownership. Well, not unless you're agreeing to a power exchange situation, but I digress. A partnership is not supposed to mean you're in trouble for doing something you choose to do as long as no one is hurt. Why the hell should you have to give up things you like for fear of your partner's disapproval?

Some couples need to find compromise on some things. But no one has the right to forbid you from doing things you like. And how dare anyone be holier-than-thou and try to make you feel guilty for enjoying your sexuality. That's just wrong.

If this is the kind of girl who thinks she has the right to punish you if she catches you with harmless porn, something you've let her know you enjoy, then this situation is only a precursor of things to come. You want a wife, not a nun. You want a partner, not a parole officer. And you certainly don't want anyone that thinks they can judge you and control you.

That being said, let me see if I need to wave a finger at you too. Did you agree to her limits and then break them behind her back? If you did, than you set the stage for failure. She had no right to place that limit on you. But in turn, you have no right to lie. I know so many men that are guilty of this. They want to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, so they lie. They flat out lie, thinking the situation will just go away. If this is the case then you made a vital mistake agreeing to her face that you would abide by her unreasonable demands. Therefore she had every reason to believe this was a closed issue. So now, you aren't just dealing with porn, you're dealing with her mistrust and her having to defend her false sense of security. And that's all your fault.

So what now. What do you do to rectify this situation. My advice usually comes around to this: Honesty.

You need to sit this chick down pronto. You need to tell her like you told me. You need to be honest and open here. You need to tell her, you want to marry her, but you will not spend the rest of your life being judged, or limited, or punished for things that you believe are not wrong. You want to enjoy a broader sexual and intimate relationship with her. It's one thing if she's tried something and doesn't like it. It's totally another that she hasn't been open at all to your ideas. Why should you be the only one making sacrifices? You need to tell her you enjoy watching porn, and you'd like to share that with her. It could be intimate and fun. You need to TELL, not ask, but TELL her that she has no right to expect you to be someone you're not. And if that is what she wants, than she should go out and find this person that you are not.

You also need to apologize, if applicable, for having gone along with the limits she set. You need to acknowledge that this situation has gone as far as it has because you were afraid to stand up to her about this. You were afraid of confrontation, and you handled it wrong. You need to validate that there are more feelings involved now with this because of your avoidance. You need to let her know you own that part of the problem and you are sorry for having lied or omitted anything.

Tell her you want to build a relationship. A real one. An honest one. Different from before. And you'd love to be married to her. But things have to be different. She has to accept you the way you accept her. And you will be honest, the way she has.

I hope that she sees this crossroad as an opportunity to fix past transgressions and build something real and lasting.

Alvin, you have to go into that conversation realizing that there is a very good chance of the relationship ending. There is a problem with a person that thinks they can judge you and punish you if you don't behave how they want you to behave. I hope you find the courage and self respect to handle whatever comes from this. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be with YOU, not what they can change you into.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

Videos are courtesy of YouTube.

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23 comments

Alvin 9 years ago

Veronica, I can't believe you answered my question! Thank you! I knew deep down this was the answer. But I didn't want to face it. You put it in perspective in many ways. I'm not the one that has anything to feel guilty about. I'm taking your advice. TY!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Alvin, I hoped it was ok that I emailed you the link to the post. Watching an occasional porno is nothing to feel guilty about. Good luck to you. I hope you'll keep us posted as to how this plays out.


Helen 9 years ago

I want to be a more accepting person.


Jesus 9 years ago

Nonsense, leave the boring lifeless freak and find a real woman.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Real Women watch porn ;)


AL 9 years ago

Okay, Veronica, I've got a related question for you. When (at 21) I discovered that the guy I had recently lost my virginity to was into porn, and apparently slightly kinky porn, I was terribly insecure, and I wanted to know more about it. I told him that I was really uncomfortable with the idea of him fantasizing about other girls, particularly if he had kinks he wasn't sharing with me, BUT despite the fact that it made me incredibly insecure, I respected his right to look at the porn . . . provided he was completely open and honest with me about it. In other words, he'd show me around the sites he subscribed to, show me the things he really liked, tell me how much time he really spent on them, etc.

I had had some pretty skewed influences on my sexual development, so given that I think I did incredibly well to not be a screaming banshee trying to forbid her boyfriend from watching porn. But even now, years later and with a lot of effort put into developing a healthier sexual outlook than I had then, I still think it was a pretty reasonable proposition. If he loved me enough to have a relationship with me, he should be willing to talk to me about the things that really get him going, even if they're normally not things he'd associate with doing with a girlfriend. What do you think? (Sorry this got long; it's 3 am and I'm losing coherency. :) )


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

I think you're right. It's all about honesty and communication. BRAVO to you for saying to him to just be honest with you. It was very open minded and strong of you to be open enough to want to check out the things that turn him on. Believe me, that goes a long way. Not judging others in their interests is important in life. Yes, anyone having a relationship should be able to talk and share and respect each other. Thanks for your comment, I love it!


Katie Muchmore profile image

Katie Muchmore 9 years ago

I agree 100%! I'll never understand women who expect their husbands/boyfriends *never* look at porn or *never* masturbate again. If it bothers you then reach a compromise, he can cut back or not do it when you're around. But NEVER lie about it. hiding bad habits is just asking for trouble. You have to love each other for who you are and if you don't, decide if you can live with the differences or not. Plus, she probably doesn't know what she's missing -- she needs to try some porn and some new sexual positions! They might just make her the happiest girlfriend on the planet.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Katie!! Well said!


Leia Swift 9 years ago

Its a lot better when you can just enjoy porn and make porn together


Leia Swift 9 years ago

Its a lot better when you can just enjoy porn and make porn together


Carlo 9 years ago

Great article. I would never be with a woman that is that judgmental. Why would any one put up with being told what they can and can't do like that? A guy that takes that kind of abuse shouldn't leave his mommy.


Alvin 9 years ago

I wanted to update you that well my girlfriend and I broke up. I am doing great. You were right when you said it was a precurser for other things. Now that we are broken up I realize how much so! She judged me about everything from my work to my friends. I am starting my own business now. I reconnected with friends that she judged. I feel so much happier. I also wanted to say I read all these comments and liked them! Thanks everyone!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Alvin -

I am glad you are happy. The things you said, like starting your own business and reconnecting with friends sound very positive. Good for you!


chris201 9 years ago

I'm so glad you were so honest with Alvin. Good for you Alvin!


elinorrigby9 profile image

elinorrigby9 8 years ago

Good for you Alvin!!:)


docjim505 profile image

docjim505 8 years ago from No. Carolina

I'm obviously very late to this party, but I'm glad I came, anyway. I've always felt - or, more precisely, been "taught" - that a man should NOT look at porn at all if he's in a serious relationship, that this is not only degrading to the woman he's with but also a sign that there's something wrong with him. Perhaps what I've been "taught" is wrong?

Much food for thought...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thanks docjim505.

In my opinion, yes, you were taught wrong. I can't figure out why looking at porn is degrading to your gf, or why showing a healthy sexual appetite means there is something wrong with you. If you saw that your GF had a copy of playgirl would you feel she's degraded you, and there's something wrong with her? Of course you wouldn't. You'd probably giggle, and plan a sexy evening.

I like in your profile that you've said you're an erotica fan.

Thanks for stopping by.

And thanks everybody for encouraging and congratulating our Alvin. Way to go Alvin!


JS 8 years ago

This topic bothers me for a couple reasons. First off, if you are providing all the sexual satisfaction for your man, why should he have to look at porn? Not ALL guys are pervs for porn. My ex never looked at porn, he just wasn't that type, he wanted to the real thing, ME. and was constantly jumping my bones, which was great. Now I'm with a guy who I have found out watches porn, which I'm not going to crucify him for, BUT we went from having sex everytime we saw eachother, to maybe twice a week now and I'm NOT happy about it. I feel like he's replacing me with porn and masterbating which I think is terribly detrimental to a relationship. I don't mind it if I'm out of town or if it happens because we don't see eachother. But when we're having less sex and I find out he's watching porn I start to get a little pissed off! I'm entirely confident in myself, I know I'm hotter and sexier than any porno chick, so what is he really looking for? I'm annoyed with him and am thinking about dumping him.


Mike Paahana 8 years ago

she can try but i no going stop


Nudevibes profile image

Nudevibes 7 years ago from http://www.nudevibes.com

Seriously. Watching porn is a very good education to learn the body of a man or women. The words "Making love" is soo prehistoric and gliche. If she isn't willing to learn how to reach that orgasmic feeling in any means necessary then you need to move on. Love is experiencing new things together in or out of the bedroom.

Angela, http://www.nudevibes.com


septembergurl 6 years ago

I love porn.... porn shops... the ONLY time porn sucks is when it crashes your computer and you have to keep restoring it...


lchenjr 5 years ago

Hi Veronica, can I ask you a personal question as well? My current situation is very similar to Alvin, but just slightly different. Is it possible to email you?

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