Choices to make

Choose right.

Take a left turn.

Get strangled in the middle by both chains.

Escape to the beginning, shed a tear looking at where you've been.

Feel dead tired. Then feel dead. Then can't feel at all.

Take the risk to go back.

But you can't find a way.

And hell with it.

So, intersection. You have no idea about traffic lights, just hear the engines. But you can control which light turns green and when. And you know you have to make a choice soon. Think about it - you're in the middle of a busy road. You let the traffic one way - you'll get hit by them. Let it go the other way - you'll get hit by others. Don't do anything - and you suddenly have a chaos with no rules and the only predictable outcome is that you get hit.

Your mind tells you the rational way to go. Your feelings and emotions do the work of some little devil sitting on your shoulder. Question: should you kill him or not? Choices are very simple:

1) You could do nothing - just leave it as it is. Stand in the middle of intersection.

2) You could shoot him and have a planned calm life afterwards...safe option?

3) You could confide in him and make him your God. Murdering the rational part of yourself.

Make the choice. Tick one answer. Your life depends on it, by the way.

First option, A, is also a default answer - just in case you don't do anything. Or you might choose it consciously - again, your CHOICE. And the choice will be made, regardless of your wishes.

 

Let's say you take that path, choose the option 1. You wait. Patiently, though getting more and more nervous with every minute. Because you don't KNOW what is going to happen, you can't plan it or understand it. Like jumping off the cliff without looking what's down there.

Any situation tends to solve itself as time passes by. You hope for that. Your rational part tells you that it's ok, you just have to wait long enough, you just have to wait a little longer, you just have to do nothing and await your fate - it will be the right way to go. You have to hold another part, your feelings, just in case that part wants to get you into trouble. You must cage it for a while, but not kill it. Because it's common sense, people do it that way and they get away with it, they win. But you start realizing that you lose.

A rollercoaster.

Then there is another part, feelings. Everything from innocence to meanest and deepest. What they tell you? GO for it. DO it. Push any button, let the traffic go. Just let it go and you'll see where you wake up the next morning. Right here right now is ALL that matters. Let the traffic go and enjoy the moment of being hit, live it to the full. Look at that car approaching at huge speed, hear the engine, see the smoke coming from under it's tyres... and feel how seconds of time pass by, one by one. Long ones. Feel that you are still alive and cherish them. Every second.

Tightrope walking on a blade.

Wait or go for it? What's the best for you, what happens if you finally make that decision? How would you feel? Would you be happy, or would it lead to misery? Would you want to turn time back and take another decision? You have your finger on a green button, and there's a red one. Which one you should press? Turn around, look around, look at the traffic, look at the buttons, repeat it all hundreds of times, turn around, step back, go forward with the determination to finally press one of them, look around, turn around, look at the traffic, look at the buttons, turn around, look back, put your finger on the green one, close your eyes, open your eyes, look around, step back, gather your strength, look at the traffic, repeat it all, put your finger on the red one, look around, put your finger on a green one, red one, green, red, green, red...

You're hit.

 

Choose option 2 and you'll never have those problems. You will always know what you do and why, where are you going and what you are doing. You'll know that pressing the red button would have the consequences a,b,c and d. Pressing the green one would result in x,y,z. Make a thorough cost-benefit analysis, think about all possible outcomes and calculate the percentages. Whichever gets the higher score is your choice, no questions asked. That's the rules.

You'll always know why you prefer the particular brand of tissues. You'll always check your car brakes and fluids before setting off to work. You'll know where you'll celebrate New Year for 5 years ahead. You'll call your relatives at a certain time. You'll have a set reminder in your mobile - call your wife/husband. No headache - you will know everything and plan everything, no last minute rush. World belongs to you, it's under your feet, because you control it.

Oh God, how much I'd like to have such a life...

 

Choose option 3. And take the risk. Love, passion, all those moments you can barely breathe, overwhelmed by emotions...dizzy...no feeling of time... So tempting - the best option possible, let's open the door...

...and what if you truly account for your words and give in to your feelings? Do you really know what's inside of you? Open the door and risk not being able to close it. Do you REALLY know there's a beautiful meadow with butterflies flying around? I don't. And maybe that's the reason I fear opening those doors.

Feelings. The highest point of love and altruism versus an intelligent animal relying on instincts. Anything is possible, there are no limits. Insanity. You can do anything - feel the pain of the other or cause that pain with no mercy. Take the gun, shoot everyone within your eyesight or sacrifice yourself saving the puppy out of the flood. Take a knife and start cutting yourself to pieces, slice by slice, or beat yourself to unconsciousness with the hope of religious salvation. Take the same knife and start slicing someone's child in front of them - enjoy watching their pain. Try to heal victims of AIDS or cancer, enlighten their last days. Start talking to your own soul. Create enemies and go to war. Fall in love.

If you open those doors, would you not regret it later? Or should you just take the risk and accept whatever comes your way? Or should you shield them in a thick layer of concrete and pretend it never existed in the first place? Should you smash them and burn everything what's inside so that it won't bother you anymore? WHAT would you do?

Middle of the crossroad. Left, righ or continue straight. Left - rational you. Right - hell knows what, but still you. Straight - you know that path too well already, you will not be able to continue that way for long. You must choose the road, NOW.

 

You can also get off road, into the woods. Dark woods. But there are no roads there, no paths, no directions. If you wander far enough into these woods, you'll lose sight of the crossroad. You might get lost.

Just woods, everywhere around. And you. You have to survive.

Where would you go?

Comments 6 comments

zampano 6 years ago

I'd go home and drawn my despair.


Michael Achilles 6 years ago

turn right and go straight....who knows it may end badly!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

The choice we make are to come from integrated thinking, so as to prevent harm to oneself or others. I enjoyed your article and found it to be an interesting read. Thank you for sharing your view/perspective. :)


Bovine Currency profile image

Bovine Currency 6 years ago

Thank you. I can relate very strongly to the words. Of course, I will never know what it means to you at heart but I gather a certain feeling. You have a way with words, you are a writer but what is that, I ask myself all the time. Self-doubt or self-deluded, arrogant or proud, god fearing or self sabotaging. You know how to write, I can imagine what it might be for you to write this sort of work, and I mean that, it is work. I have written with a similar voice, I have struggled to have any sense of worth. Maybe that is not you. I am just sitting with how you make me feel with those words and I remember times I sat to my desk and I wanted to write but I wanted to enjoy it and I didn't always but there was a particular pleasure. We can go through those decisions each day, a different crossroads every hour, or perhaps we could just dodge the traffic at one intersection all day, or all week. Nobody has the answers, only I or you or anyone else has the answers but we wouldn't know, if we felt the need to feel understood, if that was a requirement of self acceptance, we would always be alone, fubbling for our own eyes in some other. We are alone but this need not be a terrible thing. I thoroughly enjoyed this, sorry if I was a litle indulgent with my reply. I hope you understand it is my sign of appreciation. Yes, I am insecure! :D


Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

Thanks guys ;)

Bovine, sometimes I think you know too much :D


Disturbia profile image

Disturbia 6 years ago

Ah choices, choices...

Robert Fritz says that "If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

I choose to relax in my sunroom with a glass of merlot and watch my little grandson trash all his toys. ;)

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