Confused Love Life

Where do i begin?

He.

A story just like carrie & big (''sex in the city")

The first time i met him he interviewed me, goodness was i nervous..sitting there gazing into this mans mysterious eyes, he was not exactly my type but there was distinctly something there.

A couple weeks later i got the job! I started asap. Thats where this heart of mine started to beat. A year goes by and he "The Manager" made it worth the while, of course all the co workers knew, yes i had a thing for "Mr. Guitar" (we'll get to that later). Me being shy and sharp to everything he demanded haha. I found Happiness in his presence, that smile, that energy that he brought into the room each day. I loved my job.

Another year goes by and my best friend needed a job so i helped her get into mine. BTW working with friends will forever be a nono…. She's a Flirt with a funny sense of humor had her history of lets say liking the guys i did… mmmhmmm. She knew i had a thing for Mr. Guitar and so she seized her opportunity to go in for the kill. Of my heart

Meanwhile while me and Mr. Guitar maintained a friend to friend relationship, we grew to trust each other, confide in his problems as he did mine, he was legally separated from his wife who had cheated. So i found a place in my heart for his broken one. We'd talk all night, late nights after work and socially. I was engaged in him and only to him, he just did not know it yet.

Going out with all the co-workers for a pau hana (finished work) we all drank and sang and laughed basically had the best times and memories i could have ever asked for. That time when it was last call everyone said their goodbyes & see ya tomorrows… i asked my best friend if she wanted a ride home, she denied it which was so against out girl code and she knew it, she always had a way to rub things in my face and control me. So i seen her leave with my heart, my ever so needing Mr. Guitar.

The Next day at work i had already knew what happened. She glancing at him & him to her. I was to say the least PISSED. He did not hear any kind words from me the rest of the month. He figured i was mad so i took into consideration not to give a shit, thats when my heart went cold...

Being the passive aggressive self that i am i pretended not to be mad at my best friend and continued to work with the two loves of my life, simple as that. I knew the whole routine of going out with the co workers having the time of our lives and she going home with him, there was always an empty passenger seat on the drive home and always a dark saddened feeling i carried for another long year...

Being at work after hours counting tips it was just me and him and his strangely separated wife. Im guessing they had unfinished business to take care of , She was sweet and looked happy to see him, did i used to have that look of all feelings being told with just one look ? Not anymore i hadn't . My feelings towards him was negative. But i always had a feeling i couldn't describe.

Knowing he was Both doing my best friend and his wife and another co worker of ours and some random… He made me sick, so being the sweet ana that i am I told my best friend everything about him that i knew, she didn't care nor stop seeing him.

Things were fine for a while work was just work and my dating life was alright… and i was content with the things going on. He'd confide in me, we and a couple of other would always go to his house and drink and laugh all the things that we did. Then he played his guitar...

I was touched by his music that came from his own two hands, i came out of my shell and sang… everyone was surprised, that voice coming from shy little ana. I always had it in me but never could break my shell until then. So it became a routine of our and the crew to sing and play instruments and we all loved each others company. We were a strangely dysfunctional family to say the least. The night always ended with Mr. Guitar and my best friend going to "bed" (she says).

She had always told me her and MR. Guitar were only doing each other and that he talked about going away and taking trips to the outer islands.. I didn't want to hear it but i took it as is. You see She was the kind of girl who had her guard up (not her panties) but for her heart and did not take his invitation seriously, she said he's too old and not her type but yet still fooling around and flirting at work.

She then found Her man of her dreams someone who she could trust and confide in and feel comfortable with and i was so happy for her. So she then cut Mr. Guitars line and stop seeing him for his man parts. I've never talked to her since.

THANK YOU!! Now heres where it starts...

Months later.. Another night at Mr. Guitars humble abode we sat in a room where his guitar had the best surround soundings and i sang and we drank and laughed like always… it was time to depart and i found there was so much i needed to know and want to talk about with him so playfully i sat on the edge of his bed and he talked for hours on end until i started to fall asleep, he then pulled me closer and we kissed, the kiss i dreamed of and my heart had the most unexplainable feeling , we then shared the night together comfortably naked and… (you know)

Months and months go by we hid it from everyone we knew, we did a lot of laughing and sharing stories pouring each others heart into a mess. We went to the beach, he took me out , sometimes introduced me as his "girl" . We shared dreams and goals and i was soon falling in desirably love with him and his ways and his tempting self. He was all that mattered to me and he was all i cared about…

As i noticed he didn't treat me differently at work and that was understandable but my best friend had no idea we were seeing each other . So she would flirt and blow kisses all the things that a horrible person would do. Then i started to hate her, i didn't not affiliate with her outside of work because i was always with Mr. Guitar, he was all i needed, and all i wanted, my family loved him, he treated me great but there were the few hidden details we didn't do. He never wanted to meet my family, never wanting to post pictures on social media and when i did he told me to take it down, he never wanted us to be seriously involved, and he would hide a lot, txt messages from his separated wife, txt messages rom god knows who, i knew everything but being so naive i brushed it all of and ignored it. i knew i was doing a bad thing being with him but i wanted to believe everything he told me, and i played along and held it all in, while he played his guitar and i listened. He told me he loved me only when he felt like it but i knew when he said it, it was pure. What he showed me and not the public.

I finally gave him an ultimatum "why can't we just be official" is all i wanted, His marriage was "just a piece of paper" to him. Then "why not get a divorce" i asked… i never got the answer i wanted so during those times of romance in bed and him serenading me to sleep, back scratches, and having out usual night caps, cuddling up, falling asleep in each others arms, i couldn't do it anymore, my heart so broken i didn't care the least about life.

We haven't talked for a couple weeks hard to ignore him, he was my manager, i went for a annual visit to the gynocologist and she came in the room with a face that wasn't familiar to me, simply sat down and told me "Briana you are pregnant" . My heart stopped. What am i going to tell my mom is the first thing that came to mind. And what am i going to do…. the love of my life telling me he's not ready to commit, being in a relationship undercover, what will i do? I went back as told and she told me i was 4 weeks pregnant, i looked in the monitor at seen a little peanut with a pulsating rhythm and the sounds of his guitar came to mind and made me sick, i was sick.. simply love sick. I made a choice with no one knowing, i didn't want to be judged, i didn't want a lecture on how our relationship was open ending, i didn't want anything to do with him, i made a choice that burns me still to this day. To think there could be a little me and a little him running around crying and laughing kills me. It was a very selfish choice on my part.

A couple weeks after that still not talking or knowing what he was doing, i unleashed. I partied at all the places i knew he would be i made it very known that i was hanging out with men that i didn't care about, i rebelled just like any women would just to see if i could hurt him like he hurt me and how hurt i was inside of everything. It worked he finally called

So i ran back into his arms forgetting about the past and trying to move on i learned to live with his ways and terms of "being together" it was just a routine that i got used to.

Happy as can be and numerous break off's and on's i was finally seen his man being the love of my life, we can be golden together and disastrous apart. He never could make up his mind but his next move couldn't be anymore serious.

He and his/our two close friends planned on moving to vegas… i wasn't so surprised as i thought , i thought he would turn back cause i knew he loved the ocean too much, but him being 32 i could see why he would want a change. It was a three month notice and i knew my heart was going to break yet again, i never got a "come with" so i swallowed my sadness and accepted it. Those three months he opened up, he didn't care about who knew about us and were holding hands and i heard the word love the most in those three months.

Us being experimental with each other we went out with all of my friends and became royally intoxicated we were dancing the night away and then a thing called "molly" came along, why not?! i was invincible with him and i knew if i had a bad trip he would be there to comfort me so we halved one and it "didn't work" but found the both of us with a little more energy than usual we walked to the beach park and got tired and sat on a bench and started to talk… i knew i had to tell him what I've been keeping from everyone and the thought that maybe he would stay if i did so i told him about the abortion … the silence was screaming i don't even think he could believe it or me for that matter, i broke his heart but ill never know how he truly felt about that talk… we never could really talk about that

We had a goodbye party, last hurrah for him with all the friends and co workers and had a blast in the back of my head i was dying inside dreading the fact that he was leaving…

the last day at his house i remember falling asleep on a lazy boy on his boney bod, and could actually catch a picture of that moment i knew i would miss for god knows how long… Watching him packing up the last of his thing i couldn't watch it because my eyes were flooding and i could feel the food coming back up . so i watched tv trying to avoid taking him to the airport in an hour… him in his room i checked and he was writing, i knew it was a letter to me….

Time go to we loaded up my car and carried on to the airport avoiding all the love songs sad songs and happy song on the radio, the car was silent, i held his hand and held back my tears knowing his touch would soon be extinct, finally get to the airport my anxiety increasing i say goodbye to my two other friends he was traveling with, and then finally HIM; my love my heart my soul my everything i was just about to let go… as soon as i looked in his eyes i crumbled sobbed for a minutes on his warm shoulder not wanting to let go, he assuring me we will see each other soon, thats not what i wanted to hear… then watching him walk away with his guitar full of memories on his back.. he was gone. Driving home was painful i took as many of my anxiety meds i could and smoked a joint on the way, still crying and sobbing not even the weed was working, i cried for weeks no one could stop me all the memories i thought sang me to sleep and it hurts me to this day.

to be continued this story doesn't end