Infidelity in Relationships

Infidelity by choice or by chance?

In an attempt to answer a request from my friend (hub pages) ‘sixtyorso’, I am, once again, showing the audacity to step into one of the most controversial domains of human relationships. For ages, this has been an arena, in which almost every individual finds himself trapped, at least once in a lifetime, by choice or by chance. Although, literally speaking, the term ‘infidelity’ (absence of ‘fidelity’) can also be extended to relationships involving business partnerships but here I have confined myself to personal and emotional relationships only. Interestingly, ‘infidelity’ has always been condemned by those who do not indulge in it and justified as being reasonable, by those who show such behavioral patterns. The reasons for such indulgence can be varied, ranging from, emotional disturbances, a loveless life, short term infatuation, simple desire to experiment, insatiably high sexual urges, passive aggression, a perverse pleasure, to a simple a hormonal imbalance. It may even occur due to a natural magnetic aura of a person drawing the opposite sex closer, no matter how much one resists. Considering how complex human psyche has become in the process of keeping pace with fast moving society, the list can be endless.

Curbing the animal instinct.

Knowing very well that no one on this planet is infallible and that, things, often times, just happen and are not planned or intended that way, it still becomes almost impossible to deem such actions pardonable, especially by those who have never set foot in this ‘land of temptations’. Speaking for the partners (lovers or spouses) of such people (showing infidelity)... they feel completely cheated, betrayed and heartbroken. When I dug deep into the roots of these socially overrated concepts like ‘morality’ and ‘fidelity’, it dawned on me that such terms were, most likely, coined to bind an individual within the parameters of a socially accepted and an orderly society. Considering the basic (animal) instincts of a human being, it might have seemed quite logical to institutionalize him in a way that he gets all the freedom to roam around in his small world, subject to a proviso, that if he breaks the ‘rules’ he would have to suffer consequences. From one aspect these ‘rules’ seem to be legitimate as they prevent the formation of a disorderly and a chaotic society to a certain extent; imagine a society where one wouldn’t have to think twice before sleeping with anyone. No matter how tempting that sounds, it would have placed humans in the same category as the animals.

Returning the favor?

As I had earlier discussed this subject, briefly though, in my earlier hub (What makes a person cheat…) I had made an honest attempt to lay down some commonly found reasons which compel a person to become disloyal to his / her partner. Some readers found those reasons justified whereas others discarded them as unreasonable. Speaking for myself, I feel that describing something as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is only an offshoot of one’s perception and perception changes with time; it also differs from one individual to the other. Trust me I have seen couples who extend to each other, the favor of having multiple partners and they seem to be alright with it. For them ‘infidelity’ does not exist. Where does the problem come up then? Obviously, it arises in a situation where only one of the partners tends to break the vows of commitment and loyalty. Does it mean that we have a tendency to condone only those mistakes which we might have committed ourselves? Wow! That explains why a parent (who had been on Marijuana in high school) does not make a big deal out of his teenage child smoking Pot. Possibly he keeps repeating in his mind, “its ok. I did the same thing when I was young.” 

Is it time to amend the ‘rules’?

Like we all know, the statutes keep getting amended and the old laws keep getting repealed, only for ensuring their applicability in the modern times. Society changes and so does its needs. Challenges (in our daily lives) have increased and tolerance has decreased proportionately. We tend to find the easier way out. The entire concept about loyalty and relationship has changed in the present world.

“Life is too short to cry over spilt milk…why not buy a new bottle!” That has been the attitude of most people nowadays. If a person is not happy in a relationship, he tries to open new doors for happiness instead of subjecting his spirit to unnecessary ‘bondage’ (present day synonym for unhappy relationships). Whether or not, he finds happiness that way, is not a subject of consideration here. Cutting the long story, ‘fidelity’ is an issue on which volumes can be said and written but no conclusive judgment can be ever drawn. It has been a grey area and will, probably, remain like that, till we keep sharing our lives with people who tightly hold on to virtues like ‘Morality’ and ‘Fidelity’. In the words of Oscar Wilde—

What a fuss people make about fidelity! Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say." - Oscar Wilde

"People, who love only once in their lives, are shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect -- simply a confession of failures." - Oscar Wilde

Please don’t get me wrong. I am only sharing the thoughts of a renowned author with you. Lol.

Should you confess your infidelity

Reasons behind Infidelity

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Comments 53 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I like this follow up hub. I often try not to judge either way, who knows what surprises life has in store or what life has taught them.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Goldentoad: You're right. Life is full of surprises. I stopped judging and making tall claims long time ago. Thx for visiting. BTW my request (regarding pic profile) has been partially accepted, it seems. LOL


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Great Hub. Oscar wild saw the truth (again, my opinion). This is very sensitive topic, but you reached the points: we cannot judge (or condemn) anybody because of so called "infidelity". People would never change their behaviour or instincts just because of moral rules, which are too high for the most of people. When people become mature enough, emotionally, then they start to think BEFORE acting, and make more wise decisions. Loyalty and fidelity in relationship come with maturation, but hm, life is full of surprises,,,and is possible to love more then one person at the same time....very possible.

Majority of societies have too high moral standards, too high expectations, and life is very often something completely different then rules. people are not weak, actually, people should be more honest towards themselves, life on this planet would be more relayed on that way, with less problems. "The sweatest is forbidden fruits", he, he, he.

Thumbs up!

Love&Light


sandra rinck 7 years ago

Good subject. I am like Clinton, I don't know what is right for you but only myself.

Sh*t happens, are you going to hold a grudge to something that was never there to begin with, or move to understand what was always there but briefly neglected.

or

How much did you want to know about your partner if he/she had become disloyal...?

and

Humans are animals, we are driven by forces more powerful than ourselves, which is not a creator, but by desire or lack thereof. -sandra rinck

Great Hub Anglicanhue! I wish I had more to comment.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Sandra Rinck: "Humans are most certainly animals, driven by forces....." There can be no bigger truth than this. Thx for visiting.

Tatjana-Mihaela : Absolutely right! In today's world it sometimes does become difficult to hold on to moral values. To err is human...that's why it is said. Life is full of surprises, my dear. Who knows what the next moment holds for us! God bless.


TheMoneyGuy profile image

TheMoneyGuy 7 years ago from Pyote, TX

Very Good Hub,'

I defer to Darwin on this, I believe my offspring are my immortality, therefore I want to have lots of chances to preserve the genes I think so highly of.

Again, great approach to a sensitive topic.

TMG


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

TheMoneyGuy: Thx very much for appreciating. I did try to handle this topic in a balanced manner and I am glad you liked it. Thx for reading.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

I see you know a lot about this subject, which leads me to ask.... is there any thing in your closet? hmmmm :)


Laila Rajaratnam profile image

Laila Rajaratnam 7 years ago from India

Anjali,as usual your hubs have so much balance and depth!I liked Hilary's video in which she advocates,'Be true to yourself'! Yes,its true in life,we have no idea..in what absurd situation we might land up!Thanks for a very balanced hub!


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith Comal: In my closet? A lot more than anyone can handle! LOL

Laila Rajaratnam: I value your comments. It's a pleasure to have you visiting my hubs. Thx


cgull8m profile image

cgull8m 7 years ago from North Carolina

Anjali, another great hub that matters. I have seen both males and females break this rule, it is just not one sided any more. But if one is committed to marriage they should be committed to their partner as well, if they can't then they shouldn't get married at all. It affects the partner and mostly it affects the kids, not a good example to set for your kids.


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

I will quietly step back and say, "the heart wants what the heart wants" Sometimes attraction is to strong...and there are times where the partner fullfills all needs, but one.

Should anyone just settle for being unfullfilled in this lifetime?


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

cgull8m: I agree. It affects the kids; they are the worst hit. As I mentioned in my hub, the partners of such people suffer miserably and that's not right. Thx for visiting.

St.James: I better not answer your question. Situations differ and so do the choices which are made. The point, however, which you mentioned, is not far from being true. Things just happen sometimes, no matter how hard you try to stop yourself. Humans are not infallible. Thx for reading this.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Anjeli Great hub extremely well handled. Personally I am a bit like an ostrich. If my partner strays and it is simply "one of those things - once off". Idont wan't to know about it. I don't want it to ruin my relationship (selfish maybe). However once it becomes continuous or serial then I think it becomes a problem. "Let him without sin cast the first stone" I think this can play both ways. absolute honesty can be absolutely destructive!

I think sometimes the temptations of infidelity are just a part of life and it comes down to how you play it.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

What people do with their personal lives is none of my business. However I am a single woman for life at this point as I see it, so maybe it is easy for me to say that.


hot dorkage profile image

hot dorkage 7 years ago from Oregon, USA

What other people do is really between them. But as for me and my household, infidelity doesn't cut the mustard. Like 60orso said, a onesie would probably just be best let slide. But if you suspect something is going on... There is disease to consider, not to mention the subtle harm of robbing your partner of the attention you promised them and the energy spent in sneaking and covering, and somehow the truth mor often than not does out anyway, then there is the pain, and the children even grown ones are harmed. It's so much easier to go and despoil new territory rather than to do the work of true love, Oscar Wilde be damned.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

sixtyorso: You have given a matured and sensible conclusion to this hub. I personally agree with you on .....'not wanting to know about it if it's one time'. It does not make sense putting at stake a long term relationship which you might have nurtured for years. Thx for reading. This would have been incomplete if you hadn't read it.

SweetiePie: Being single, you don't have to worry about this aspect at least. LOL

Hot Dorkage: Certainly it leaves scars which never heal. As I said earlier, one time thing can be overlooked but not if it gets consistent. No one can tolerate that. I mentioned in my hub also that children are the worst hit in such situations. There goes an old saying...'Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches'.


pgrundy 7 years ago

Oh I love Oscar Wilde. What a wonderful wit and writer he was! I know as I grow older I seem to care less about fidelity. It means something different now. Oddly, when I was young and still had my looks working for me I was more sensitive and insecure. Now, I know how men are, and I know my own mind and my own desires, and I do not take offense so easily or worry so much.

However, I was once married to a man who could not be faithful, just could not do it, and he was also quite unpleasant to live with, and I eventually left him, because at some point it really isn't safe to be sleeping with a chronic philanderer. You could die for your misplaced loyalty--get some disease and die from it. So I left. Good hub!


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

pgrundy: I perfectly understand your predicament. There may be many reasons to justify 'fidelity' but it, undeniably, kills the spouse of a person showing such indulgence. You did the right thing Pam. As I said one timers can be pardoned but the chronic ones...never. Thx for visiting.


Mike Kage profile image

Mike Kage 7 years ago from New Hampshire, New England, USA, North America

Hmm... Oscar and his 'lack of imagination' quote.  Try keeping a marriage going (without infidelity) for over 20 years. THAT takes imagination of the highest order!  Good Hub on a sensitive topic.  Well done.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Mike Kage: People often say that I'm a brave woman and right now ,I feel like showing that attribute once again by admitting that you are absolutely right. My friends might not like me for making such a statement but ...fact is a fact. Thx for being honest and also for appreciating.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Your crazy lol! but that makes a good writer. Such fun don't you think? :)


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith Comal: I sure am and I enjoy that. LOL


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Angeli I was married the first time for over 32 years. Infidelity (on my ex's part) finally killed that marriage and to add insult tio injury she left me. None the less I no doubt had my faults too. But it was sad to break up after so many years.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

sixtyorso: It is sad indeed. 32 year long relationship is a pretty long one. Must have been very hard. No matter how difficult things are, we still got to live on leaving behind the past. It needs a lot of courage to divulge such personal things. I'm glad you did it. Thx for coming back.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

well since you are a guru on this subject, you just looked over my hub. My wife seems to forgot my strong supportive past. so what do you do when someone takes you for granted? I don't have another question. Do you have experience in marriage about these subjects? hmmm?


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith Comal: First of all thanks for calling me a guru on this subject. I am reminded of a well known saying here.

'Experience is like a comb in a bald man's hand; he cannot use it for himself but, can lend it to others.' (That bald person is me) LOL

Well, you can absolutely do nothing if your partner takes you for granted (as you see it) just as you cannot drum beat your good qualities in public. It won't fetch you any results; people might even call you a freak. The best way is to talk it out and get to the bottom of the matter. What I mean is that she might be emitting wrong signals (which happens often times with both men and women) in difficult times. A person, at times, hates to admit that he is not able to cope with a situation. It is quite possible that she finds herself laboring under the pressure of earning money for the household, but at the same time, is too proud to confess that she is not able to do it any more. I have seen so many times that women, no matter how strong they might be, always feel secure when they are not the sole bread winners for the family. They seem to like the idea of only supplementing the family income rather than facing the brunt of running the expenses all on their own. In the effort of putting up a face in tough times, they tend to offend their partners by their abusive words. Believe me they never intend to do that but it just happens.

For me, giving you advice without talking to her, is just like groping in the dark. So I expect a certain amount of leverage here. What I feel is that she needs to be reassured that you will not be out of job for a long time and that things would be better soon. There's no point in reminding her what you did for the family in the past. May be you can get some consolation by telling yourself that what you did was your duty. May be that makes you feel better and helps you to hold her hand with love and compassion. In such hard times (which you are facing now) love and understanding are the only vehicles which can get you out of the woods. It's a testing time but be careful to prevent your relationship from becoming fragile. If your relationship survives this dark phase, you won't have to worry for the rest of your life. You might even change the tenor and content of your hubs. (LOL)

Hope that serves some purpose. You can come back any time and as many times as you like. All the best.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

There is a tear in my eye lol. ;)


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: what does that exactly mean?


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Nothing just joking around. It always seems that a person looking in can see what a person on the inside can not. It's just men and women see things differently. Women are more motherly, and men are more brute...just rushing in. I just liked how you put things that's all.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: Thx. I wish I could help.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

No your doing fine. Like you I love when people respond. You are helping...your cool. So excuse me for being nosy about you.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: You're welcome always.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

always a pleasure.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Wow What a change!! I'm in pressed lol. The day never seems to surprise me ;). I am curious about something thou...being that none of my questions were answered.......


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: What questions?


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Nevermind. it seems to have slip'd my mind....not important...good pic thou. sorry to have bothered you. I had a thought which seems to have escaped me.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

I remember now.. I asked in your situation(if you we married) have you ever did things that you write about? The experience is what I am interested in, and your source of knowledge, besife law. I assume you are a little older then I, so in other words you have a lot to tell. I am always interested in people that have a brain. I am more of a PI when it comes to solid info...you always check your sources. Besides I love the work. its been a while since someone has sparked my brain. I might need a lawyer as a " thug" as well.....just joking. I am a little to old for that sort of thing now. convo is good as well ;p


Wedding Reception Centerpieces 7 years ago

Really good hub page !


sukkran profile image

sukkran 7 years ago from TRICHY, TAMIL NADU, INDIA.

it is really interesting...


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Wedding Reception and Sukkran:

Thanks very much for visiting.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

I realized....this is a strange world. Don't you think? there is always some mischef going on...it amazes me. anyway hi


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: Welcome back. There is always something going on around us. Is it in reference to anything in particular?


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Well you know me, my life is really never a dull moment...it seems my life is always in some state of drama. Even my friends are like wow. I would just like to be "normal" for once. OOO and sorry for being so nosy about you. I just feel like I can be doing better......kinda stuck ya know?


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: LOL. What can I do for you?


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

Nothing really....I just want to do something different. Kinda bored. My life needs some sort of change. Looking for new avenues....maybe different career....Not wanting to move anymore I have already done enough of that. But I guess the key word is "change".


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

My post on your comment: (open until 17:44 PST)

I think everyone is missing the point...(like my friend who first responded). The point I was making its not about self. Just because of our differenes, does not mean we should "go for self". It is a unified effort to make change, I do agree that each person has to comply, but it can never be about self. That's the problem. People are concerned about just their own well being. That's not how God works.....do you realize that? It is a collective effort.


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Jykeith: I believe in 'education begins at home' theory. Each one of us is the smallest unit of a larger society and any change whatsoever has to begin at the lowest level. You cannot expect the entire society to change overnight. We are definitely on a verge of a major change. Things are not as bad as they used to be. I hope you can appreciate that at least. It will get even better. You just do your bit. That's what is required.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

To reply... Ms lady, if you've looked at my life and have seen what I've seen. You would question as well about the human soul. You would also look at our human kindness. I assume that your country has beautiful culture, but you have no idea the evil that men do.....even the ones that are incharge over all of us. Can change be made? Of course. But is it likely? NO. Sorry to play devils av, but lets be really. And as smart as I think you are.....what are really the possiblities?

I guess its offical...were debating friends. ;)


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

You know what...I forgot your a lawyer, plus your in NYC.....so you do know the evil that men do. my bad.


Jykeith Comal profile image

Jykeith Comal 7 years ago from Cincinnati OH

hey hi you. i have been going through marriage drama! I need your adivce. I think wifey is having guys come ups to her job.....You really don't want to hear the shit I went through yesterday. I didn't know me being off work would have such a "scheduled affect". Long story short, the guy speeded off when I dropped her off. Advice please.


Kebennett1 profile image

Kebennett1 7 years ago from San Bernardino County, California

Just because many people choose to jump off a cliff, it doesn't mean we all should! I still believe in fidelity and always will. Yes, there are a lot of changes in this world but that does not mean we have to follow the ones that are unhealthy for us, bad for us, lead to immorality, disrespect, heartbreak, loss of values and truth. A lot of people use illegal drugs, does that mean we all should, a lot of people abuse alcohol does that mean we should, should we all kill babies by abortion just because some do? Should we all rob, kill, vandalize, euthanize, be nudists, be homosexuals, just because others do? The spread of sexually transmitted diseases, and unwanted pregnancies, alone should be a strong deterrent to people. Do we really want a society like Sodom and Gomorrah?


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York Author

Kebenett!: My dear this hub did not draw any conclusions. As you might have noticed, I only highlighted the perspective of different people placed in different situations, in relation to their views on 'infidelity'. This hub was only meant to discuss (openly) the reasons which contribute to pushing someone into adultery. I didn't say if this was wrong or right. Rather, it was an open ended question left for the readers to answer. As such I'm taking your comment as your view on fidelity which is fair enough. I appreciate. Thx for sharing your strong views on this subject. feel free to come back. :)

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